VANILLAMAMA's SparkPeople Blog VANILLAMAMA's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Depression and anxiety Good evening ladies and gents. I have battled with depression my whole life. It usually revolves around my weight. Many of you know I got the gastric sleeve done in November. I have dropped quite a bit of weight and I still am fighting to get to a healthy weight. Last week I drew the Line with my mental health. I have been on antidepressants since 2015 after my aunt passed. I took control and have gotten off of them. I feel clear again. I know everyone has ups and downs and life is not ea... Mon, 1 May 2017 18:07:56 EST 2 months progress <img src=""> <BR> I know this is a little late but I was sick this last week. Here is two month progress after my sleeve . Sun, 22 Jan 2017 10:39:36 EST 212 This number is haunting me. I've been this weight since the 1st. I have been swimming a half hr to a 45 mins a few days a week. I get my steps in (usually 10,000) daily. I stay within my calorie range per my surgeon. I would love to be down under 210 any day now! I'm started to feel mentally drained. I know I can do this! Ugh silly plateau!! Fri, 13 Jan 2017 07:03:23 EST New year, new attitude So I got the gastric sleeve on 11/14/2016. I feel good. I have only had a few bad days since the surgery. I also weaned off of pain killers early due to a rash. I made it back to work two weeks after surgery. Thank heavens for where I work and them working with lifting restrictions. I am proud to say I am down 41 pounds since I've started this journey. My goals this year is building strength and endurance so I can feel good and be healthier. Happy New Year, Jennifer Sat, 31 Dec 2016 12:22:00 EST 10 days, suggestions? 10 days until my surgery. I am three days into my pre-op liquid protein diet. All is well I have found a few things I really like. Premiere protein is not really one of them. It is okay to get by for now but in the long term I think not. Anyone have suggestions on good protein shakes that do not taste chalky? Thu, 3 Nov 2016 21:54:56 EST Strength Today I need strength to get through this rough patch. Some days you feel on top of the world like no one or nothing can stop the permagrin on your face. Then other days one simple little thing someone does can aggravate the sleeping bear and your head starts spinning. Spinning so fast you can not think or catch your breath. Your heart beats faster, you get a little taste of how it feels to be safe and it is ripped out from under you. Smile. Realize that not everyone can be happy. Nothing... Sun, 30 Oct 2016 08:06:46 EST 20 days Hello dearest readers! I now have twenty days until surgery. Today is my presurgical class. I'm a little nervous to start the liquid stage of my journey. I start that on the 1st of November. I have my boyfriend by my side. He is going to go to my class with me tonight to see what I have to do and to be there to support me. It makes me happy that he is willing to sit though a two hour educational class. So as far as food goes I'm kinda cheating this week to get my favorite foods in. It will... Tue, 25 Oct 2016 07:29:49 EST H pylori infection Wednesday I found out my EGD biopsy came back positive for H pylori. It causes stomach problems. I never thought I had a issue just cramps once in a while and some GERD going on. Well now I am on 10 days of antibiotics before I get my surgery. Antibiotics In general give me stomach issues but two different ones for 10 days Woo I'm going to be queezy. I got my surgery clearance. The only thing left to do is at my appointment today. I have a EKG scheduled and some lab work to complete. Cou... Thu, 13 Oct 2016 08:04:19 EST Gastric sleeve Good morning ladies and gents. I wanted to update you on my progress. As of Monday I decided to have a gastric sleeve done. My surgery date is set for 11/14/16. I know I can do this and do it well. The smaller stomach will keep me on track better. I have been tracking my calories and I put new goals in place. I gained a lot of weight due to depression and not wanting to get out of bed. The only thing I would do is go to work. I know I am good at what I do. People love me and I just have to l... Sat, 8 Oct 2016 10:11:00 EST dream <img src=""> Tue, 24 Mar 2015 14:29:12 EST happy St. patties day So tomorrow marks 6 weeks of eating right and working out. I've dropped a total of 20 pounds so far. (I won't change my weight until Thursday) I've found satisfaction in reaching my calories and tracking everything I eat. Some days are good and some days are not so good but you have to take the good with the bad. My favorite part is swimming with my boys 3 days a week. Along with my water aerobics it is really helping the weight loss. Just checking in with everyone. Have a good week Jenn... Tue, 17 Mar 2015 18:33:34 EST Gym membership So I've been wanting to do this for a while. I've thought and thought about it but never put the pedal to the metal. I did it though! I keep successfully eating right and now I am going to be swimming regularly. On top of doing weight training. This is awesome! I have a goal and I can and will do it! Hope everything is well with my friends out there. Jennifer Tue, 24 Feb 2015 08:49:11 EST Successfully dropped 7 pounds Good afternoon ladies and gents! I am stopping in to celebrate a milestone. I'm down 7 pounds and I can honestly say I fought myself to earn it! Tracking and keeping the faith in myself is what I am doing. Just wanted to say if you are having a rough day. Remember you can do this! Drop the m&ms and your go to junk! Eat a natural banana or strawberries. Sprinkle it with splenda or your no calorie sugar of choice. You CAN without a doubt do this. Have a good week :) Jennifer Mon, 23 Feb 2015 15:39:06 EST binge eating I will be the first person to admit it. I binge eat. I have since I was very little. I look at myself in the mirrors lately and I don't see myself anymore. What happened and how can I change this? How did I get back up to 230? Oh man this is hard! So slow steps I am going to put in place. I will drink a full cup of water before I eat. I will chew slowly and enjoy my meal. I will log and count my calories. Making sure to eat a high protein diet to help the weight loss. I have to have... Wed, 11 Feb 2015 19:48:27 EST struggle Today I stepped on the scale after I realized my scrubs are getting tighter and tighter. I haven't weighed this much since 2011. I'm disapointed in myself so many diffrent ways I feel angry and depressed. <BR> I go visit my mothernin Florida in 6 weeks. <BR> I've gained 41 pounds since I've moved from there. I can't believe all my hard work has went to waste. <BR> Here is to my starting point. My scale saying 219 pounds again. <BR> Ugh. <BR> Balance work, family, my boyfriend and working o... Wed, 26 Feb 2014 01:04:44 EST dating Today I feel accomplished. <BR> I work midnights and it is pretty hard to get into a routine enough and not be tired. <BR> I have worked my schedule out where I can work out everyday. <BR> I can feed my children and myself healthy dinners and I will have a clean house doing it. <BR> The last week I have went from only doing a mile and a half to getting to six miles today. <BR> 6!!!!! <BR> <BR> Well i'm starting to date again. Generally when I go out with a guy I order something that i... Tue, 19 Mar 2013 19:13:26 EST Addicted To food I know it is hard to come out and say this and I have said it many times. I get addicted to food. To the point where I can't even taste it anymore. <BR> Keep on track working out and controling what I eat is my best combact for this. <BR> <BR> I watched a film on netflix while I did my mile and a half today about the food industry making everything taste and look better for us to get addicted to it. <BR> I've said this time and again about McDonalds. <BR> <BR> We are a brainwashed natio... Mon, 18 Mar 2013 19:28:16 EST 2013 I've been MIA because I have no way of getting on the site site. I wish Sparkpeople was more of a ap like facebook or other aps so we could blog and see eachothers stuff from our phones. <BR> Anyhow. I dropped weight during the holidays!! I am so proud of myself. I am on a good path again. I am truley happy with my life. <BR> I know everything happens for a reason and I will stive to work toward every goal I have. <BR> <BR> Pretty simple <BR> Jennifer <em>335</em> Tue, 8 Jan 2013 17:58:22 EST New day So I missed yesterday with a blog. Oh well. I did a little christmas shopping and had lunch with a friend for her birthday. <BR> I was up for 30 hours straight so I didn't work out. I did a hour on my work out bike today. <BR> Pumping the water though me and eating right. Fri, 30 Nov 2012 15:47:23 EST Sleep and working out Today I slept for almost 7 hours that is a record for my overnight job. I only did a mile on the treadmill though. I wanted to push myself but I do not have enough time in the day to fold 4 loads of laundry and do a hour today. Tomorrow is my first day off of work for my weekend. I will do two hours tomorrow night. I plan on getting a movie to watch and staying on there. <BR> <BR> Best wishes to all. Wed, 28 Nov 2012 20:55:11 EST In a state of bliss There isn't anything like the endorphin rush you feel after being on the treadmill for a hour. I am seriously in a state of bliss. <BR> I am forcing water down my throat like nothing else. I CAN and WILL do this. <BR> I have battled my whole life with my weight. I seriously feel trapped in a body that isn't mine. You know what though? It is mine I did this to myself. <BR> So here are my goals for the next 6 weeks until new years. <BR> I will BLOG! I need to hold myself accountable. <BR> ... Tue, 27 Nov 2012 15:07:31 EST i feel trapped Ive put on so much weight. I'm working overnights and I feel trapped. i started drinkong more water and working out again. my food intake is insane. I hate the fact that I can't remember a time in my life since I was 8 that I haven't. Been on some sort of diet. I know I need to change my lifestyle. i know how to eat right and workout. i want to scream right now. <BR> go back a few months and slap myself. fourty pounds ive gained!! 40!!!! Tue, 27 Nov 2012 01:01:28 EST Food making me sick? I have been sick the last four days. I am starting to wonder if it is what I am eating. Could food be making me sick? <BR> <BR> At first I thought it was just fast food because everytime I ate that I go into a coma state of sickness. I feel flu like symptoms. Then I need to sleep for hours to even feel close to normal again. <BR> <BR> Now I am sarting to think my body is trying to tell me something. Even when I stay away from fast food I still feel sick. <BR> <BR> Process of elimination... Sun, 12 Aug 2012 13:38:00 EST logging on and getting fitness in So I started fresh about a week ago. I was so scared of the scale I didn't dare weigh myself. <BR> I did it today after lunch and I am so ashamed that I am over 200 again. I CAN do this. <BR> <BR> My issue is getting the fitness in during my work week. I am so tired because I already get up at 5 am. I am just tired. <BR> <BR> I need to get it in no matter what. I am making excuses again. <BR> <BR> anyone want to be my buddy and check in with me about my fitness goals? I need help on th... Sat, 4 Aug 2012 12:40:09 EST Being punished Sometimes I feel what we go through is a form of punishment. <BR> <BR> I seen my ex and his gf at the store today. <BR> I felt so sick to my stomach. <BR> Everything came rushing back. The hurt and the pain that I thought I was through with. <BR> I know I am never going to quit loving this man. I spent 8 years with him. I get that. <BR> I just feel like running into him like that is a form of punishment. He lives 20 minutes away from that store and should of been at work. <BR> I don't ... Thu, 26 Jul 2012 17:45:12 EST Starting Fresh I've realized I use food for comfort. <BR> Food hasn't ever left me. It hasn't ever let me down. <BR> <BR> I need to start fresh TODAY and eat healthy. <BR> <BR> My goals: <BR> <BR> Workout atleast 3 hours a week. I am working part time at the moment. This will not be hard to do. <BR> <BR> PLAN PLAN PLAN <BR> <BR> Plan my meals so I am not hungry coming home from work in a daze. <BR> <BR> Support: <BR> <BR> I will log in EVERYDAY to spark. I will blog. I will ask for support an... Sun, 22 Jul 2012 11:18:38 EST being addicted to food I am addicted to food. the look. the smell. how it tastes. i don't think people realize they are addicted. i do and i am. i have been going strong eating healthy for three days. it is so hard to stay on track. one sight and smell can trigger it. I know i am not alone in this. This addiction is harder than being addicted to drugs or ciggs. you can't stop eating. you HAVE to eat. i like how they made the tabacco companies take down all their ads. then if the movie is rated pg13 and under you ca... Wed, 18 Apr 2012 17:05:36 EST 6 months I haven't really been on here much. I am have been trying to keep my weight on a steady downward spiral. It is not working very well. I am going through school and I have 12 weeks left until I graduate. <BR> <BR> It has now been 6 months since my ex left. I am so greatful for everyone and everything in my life. I am such a better person from this whole journey. <BR> <BR> Time to start another chapter. <BR> <BR> Mon, 9 Apr 2012 18:48:52 EST Down two pounds and sick Oh man I feel like death has warmed me over. <BR> atleast I slept good last night. I passed out early and woke up at 6am on the dot. <BR> <BR> I am down 2 pounds that is good. I did NOT get any workouts in last week. <BR> This week I am going to consintrate on getting my workouts in and tracking my food. Maybe I will drop the weight faster. <BR> <BR> I hope I feel better later. I was going to go on a lunch date. We shall see how I feel. <BR> <BR> <BR> Jennifer Sun, 20 Nov 2011 09:02:18 EST What is to be expected. I guess I am finding out that a lot of men out there just want sex. Although I do agree sex is a big part of a relationship it isn't everything and I am no where near ready yet. <BR> <BR> Three days ago my ex got mad at me for something I did and told me he cheated on me for two years before he left. His excuse for cheating is that he wasn't in love with me anymore. <BR> <BR> There is never a reason to cheat. Just get out. For heavens sake. <BR> <BR> Anyhow I am stuggling emotionally fr... Fri, 11 Nov 2011 09:37:16 EST moving on and dating I have decided to move on and start dating. Well I was just looking and talking to guys untiI got the most amazing response from a guy. I got instant giggles. I just felt something. <BR> <BR> I am going out tomorrow with adults. Hoping getting to see the guy that I like. We shall see. <BR> <BR> Just wanted to let everyone know I am doing good. I am taking all of this better than excepted. I guess that is what happens after you go through so much over a year. <BR> <BR> Everything happens... Fri, 21 Oct 2011 11:10:20 EST up and down I created a online membership to a dating site to get my mind off of Aaron. At first it worked. The men are nice and tell me I am all kinds of beauitful. <BR> <BR> I just realized that I am so messed up. I miss him so much. I would choose having our family together over a million dollars. <BR> <BR> I can't decribe how much I love this man. I am being strong. I just want the attention. To take my mind off of thigs. Its starting to feel all sorts of wrong. :/ Mon, 17 Oct 2011 00:46:52 EST He left me Aaron and I have been through a lot together. Ups and downs. Fighting. Being homeless. <BR> <BR> Yesterday at 9:21 pm he showed up. Dropped off our van (that is in my name) took his bag with some clothing and his PS3 and left. <BR> <BR> He is tired of my drama. Until he figures things out.... <BR> <BR> I am so insecure that when I seen his new manger at work I freaked out. Seriously went into depression mode and started being horrible to him. She is so beautiful. <BR> <BR> On top of ... Fri, 14 Oct 2011 04:35:23 EST Scale and blame First off let me start off by staying the scale has went the wrong way yet again. It is all my fault though. I haven't been good yet again. <em>46</em> <em>198</em> I take full responsibility for not eating right or really working out till I break a sweat. Why do I expect my body to lose or even maintain when I have not been feeding it right? I honestly don't. I am responsible for what I feed myself and the level of exercise I do. <BR> <BR> Mini goals for this week: <BR> <BR> STAY ON TR... Mon, 3 Oct 2011 09:39:52 EST Breaking down Alright I am a stong person. I am aways here doing the right thing and encouraging others. I have let my eating slip up and I put some weight back on. Now this week I have been good. I have eat really good and stayed under my calories. Today I went to put my size ten pants on and it took me five minutes wrestling with them to get them on. <BR> <BR> I just want to break down and cry. Things like this make me want to give up. I hate my weight and I feel worthless when I am like this. Like I j... Sat, 24 Sep 2011 15:25:35 EST Tomorrow is the new Today You read that right. Tomorrow is the new today. Quit telling yourself oh I do that tomorrow. I will try a spark recipe tomorrow. I will work out tomorrow. Tomorrow I will eat better. Today we can do all them things. Today I will try a new sparkrecipe. Today I will work out. Today I will eat better. <BR> <BR> I don't care if you had dunkin donuts for breakfast and binged on Mcdonalds for lunch. Starting fresh doesn't have to wait till tomorrow. Start fresh right now. Make yourself a healthy ... Sun, 11 Sep 2011 15:52:59 EST Goals My goals for this next week: <BR> <BR> Get in 500 mins of fitness. <BR> Start my EA2 account back up. <BR> Get some Resistant/ weight training done atleast 3 times <BR> Run. <BR> <BR> Get back on track with my fitness. Both of the boys will be at school starting Wednesday, WOO HOO! <BR> <BR> I CAN drop this last little bit of weight. I WILL look amazing. <BR> <BR> Jennifer Thu, 8 Sep 2011 19:47:06 EST my friends are all in my computer I guess there is a point when you realize all the people around dont matter as much as yourself. The people I hang out with do not get that I am trying to get healthy. I am a mom and I have to take care of my children. I am not single and do not get to drop everything to go do something with my friends. <BR> <BR> I workout, take care of my children, house and my man. That is all that matters to me. Besides my friends in my computer. You guys have stuck by me in the ups and downs. No matter ... Thu, 28 Jul 2011 15:26:53 EST I'mmmm Bacccckkkkk Well I have not fallen off the wagon. I am doing really well. Except for a burger here and there on the trip I did amazing. (I like wopper jrs without mayo from burger king, 290 calories).. As for the trip we broke down. UGH we got about 20 mins from GA in Jax, Fl and a seal burst on the transmission. Then we found out a part inside of it needed to be replaced as well. 1,470 (on credit) dollars and a night spent in Jax later it was ready to go. The rest of the trip went great. It was hot and ... Mon, 25 Jul 2011 09:16:37 EST Moving across the country So I dont know if you have picked this up from my posts but I am moving across the country on July 20th. I will be out of commision and off of sparkpeople for 3-4 days. I will try to catch up on all my wonderful friends when I return. I love and will miss you all. <BR> <BR> Keep on keeping on and make sure you take them steps toward a healthier you. Remember you deserve this! <BR> <BR> <BR> Much love <BR> <BR> Jennifer Mon, 18 Jul 2011 15:17:27 EST confession: Trust, confidence, and Abuse WARNING this blog is graphic. I am telling the truth after coming to terms in therapy a few years ago..... <BR> <BR> <BR> The fist time I ever remember being abused by a man is when I was five years old. I was trusting and he was older. I didn't know it wasn't right. I trusted him. I was his girlfriend and we were going to get married when I was older. I thought I had to do things to him to make him happy. At the time that is how he explained it to me. This is what wives do. They make thei... Sat, 16 Jul 2011 00:04:21 EST I got it <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Something that I have been working toward since 2008.... I finally got sparkpeople motivator. It means a lot to me. I got my nails done to celebrate. <BR> <BR> Thank you for being there. Thank you for voting for me. <BR> <BR> You people are amazing and you mean more to me than you will ever know. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Fri, 15 Jul 2011 19:02:36 EST songs that make me want to move <link> </link> <BR> <BR> feel free to post yours... Thu, 14 Jul 2011 08:10:07 EST Wii accessories <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Yesterday I got new workout toys... lol I got some wii calorie burn kit that includes 4" Fitness Step, pair of 1 lb. gloves and medium resistance band. The step for the bottom of the wii is amazing... A picture of the box... <img src=""> <BR> <BR> It was only 15! Without a doubt the best thing I have gotten next to the ea sports active 2... I love the Wii and ... Wed, 6 Jul 2011 10:12:05 EST Summer Reading Ok friends. I know a lot of you are big readers like me. What is on your summer reading list this year? What are you currently reading? What is your all time favorite book or series? <BR> <BR> I am currently reading: <BR> <BR> The Seer, it is about a teen age girl that can see into the future as well as see other things. She just wants to be normal though. So far the first book is good. I think there are 8 books in the series, each book is about 300 pages.. they will take me around a day ... Fri, 1 Jul 2011 08:42:06 EST UGH I want to make cookies and eat the whole batch I hate that I want junk food. It gives me this intense sugar rush only to have a crash and want more junk. Today I ate a 100 calorie cookie that I let my son get for helping my parents move. Well In the package there are about 10 of them. I ate one and a half after lunch not thinking much of it. 150 calories not too bad right. Well It is my time of the month which sent me into a down fall of wanting candy. Now I didnt buy any candy but as soon as I seen the cookies and started to unload the s... Wed, 29 Jun 2011 17:12:22 EST Rewards Sometimes we feel we need a reward for doing the right things or following our plan for a period of time. Well today I have decided that I will not reward myself with what I like to do unless I follow my plan for the next three weeks to a T. Staying in my calorie range and working out. My reward for doing so every three weeks I will keep getting my nails done. If I dont follow it and if I go out of my calorie range I do not get to do what I like to do. Get my nails/ toes done. This in fact wi... Fri, 24 Jun 2011 09:41:34 EST Water I have never been a water drinker. For four months last summer I drank nothing but water and tea. I started drinking pop again and went down hill with the water. Well I have found a way I love water... In a insulated straw cup with tons of ice. It is so amazing I drank 10 cups of water yesterday. I am flushing my system... WOO HOO. Hope everyone is having a wonderful week. Tue, 21 Jun 2011 12:51:22 EST Resolutions This year I am not waiting till the new year to make resolutions. I am starting NOW. <BR> <BR> Here are my Resolutions.... <BR> <BR> 1.) Be happier. Smile more. See the silly side of things. <BR> <BR> 2.) Don't take life for granted. Go... see... do. everything is replaceable except human life <BR> <BR> 3.)Stay clear of all the gossip. Not falling into talking about people. People who talk about other people are just trying to make their life seem better. In return making them feel bet... Sat, 11 Jun 2011 08:36:51 EST On top of the world I feel amazing today. Smaller than I have felt in a long time. I went out yesterday and got my nails and toes done for our Vacation. We are going to Michigan for two weeks. We have funeral and a memorial to go to. I just feel really good like I can do anything. I have been eating healthy. I havent felt like over eating at all. Tonight I am going to my moms house for my dads birthday dinner. I am going to have chicken and salad. I just thought I would tell everyone I feel good. So many of my b... Sun, 22 May 2011 11:52:59 EST