VALKYRIA-'s SparkPeople Blog VALKYRIA-'s Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Fall Challenge Today I am committing to this challenge -- tracking my calories every day no matter what, and sticking to my fitness schedule: <BR> <BR> Fri: 9:30 AM - Morning walk <BR> Sat: 9:30 AM - Morning walk <BR> Sun: Morning stretching 10:00 PM - Evening Workout - Strength Training and Swimming <BR> Mon: 9:30 AM - Morning walk <BR> Tue: 9:30 AM - Morning walk <BR> Wed: Morning stretching 10:00 PM - Evening Workout - Strength Training and Swimming <BR> Thu: Morning stretching <BR> <BR> ... Sat, 10 Sep 2016 19:06:42 EST Down 5 Well I was sick yesterday but it helped push me down a few more lbs and now I am at 397.8! <BR> <BR> I WILL NEVER see 400+ on a scale EVER AGAIN. This is a promise I'm making to myself and a vow I intend to keep. <BR> <BR> Right now I'm attending training for my new job on site... this is the second week. It's going well... after next week, we will start working from home (YAY!) <BR> <BR> I REALLY need to clean up my apartment, and set up my work-from-home desk / computer setup, but I wil... Tue, 16 Aug 2016 17:17:39 EST I'm back I guess the new sparkpage just didn't suit me lol... I decided to come back to this one :) <BR> <BR> I got a new job working from home which is absolutely perfect for me because I suck so much at dealing with social anxiety~! <BR> <BR> I've been walking in the park and swimming at night at my apartment's gym, and trying to work on my healthy eating. It's been going well so far. <BR> <BR> Long story short, I am back up to 403 lb and I really really don't want to be here. I'm setting a mini... Fri, 29 Jul 2016 14:59:58 EST new Sparkname Hi guys!!! <BR> <BR> Please add me on my new Sparkpage .. JamieKFM. <BR> <BR> life has been crazy (and good), and it was just time to make a new Sparkpage. Looking forward to talking to you all~ <BR> <BR> Best wishes to all! <BR> Mon, 8 Feb 2016 15:58:36 EST today <img src=""> One day at a time. One choice at a time. Today I faced physical fatigue and mental ickiness and got my butt to the gym despite not feeling it -- and by the end of the workout I was most definitely feeling it. I had unlocked hidden reserves of energy which got me through work. I struggled a bit with breakfast, but had healthy lunch and dinner and stayed in my cal range for the day. I actually bought a salad and yogurt from m... Fri, 8 May 2015 13:35:06 EST Shame <img src=""> Just a quick blog for now. I have been meaning to catch up on here for a while but work work work and stuff. Honestly, I am still getting used to it, but it is going well. I have been hitting the gym although not as often as I'd like -- working on increasing the frequency. I think going in the morning instead of at night will help. I've got a ton of changes going on in my personal life and I am still looking to settle into a ... Fri, 8 May 2015 13:06:20 EST Blog Entry Title: <img src=""> <BR> "Tend to your vital heart, and all you worry about will be solved." <BR> by Rumi | Painting by Karol Bąk <BR> <BR> I've decided to make my weigh-in day tomorrow, Wednesday morning. Every week. Again, my goal is 1 lb each week... but if I exceed that goal, all the better ;) <BR> <BR> The past few days I've been doing well. Right now I'm just relaxing and cleaning up before doing my meditation. <BR> <BR> Someone ment... Tue, 21 Apr 2015 17:10:35 EST Schedulizing <img src=""> <BR> Hi Spark <em>26</em> <BR> <BR> I wanted to thank everyone who commented on my last blog :) gave me some good ideas for my cooking adventures. It's definitely not bad to be cooking for one.. I guess I'm just a little bit lonely, but I'm dealing with it, ya know! It's not like I don't have any friends I could invite to visit for dinner / fun...I do, and I should. <BR> <BR> I've decided I'm going to focus on my sle... Sun, 19 Apr 2015 23:59:52 EST Cooking for one Guys I'm doing really well!!!!!!! <BR> <BR> I went to the store and bought a bunch of healthy food, and got my kitchen all cleaned up, and am cooking :) I've resisted several not-so-good food choices over the past few days, and I've been drinking more water. <BR> <BR> My goal tonight is go be asleep by 11 pm.. I'm going to take melatonin and valerian root to make sure this is accomplished. Sleep is so, so important, and I need to make it my #1 priority right now. <BR> <BR> SO PROUD OF MY... Fri, 17 Apr 2015 18:01:57 EST Day 2 Day off! Today I am being proactive, but realistic. Lots of scattered thoughts and emotions, but I'm not letting them distract me from the task at hand: My apartment is a MESS that I have neglected for far too long... and I am going to focus on doing partial cleaning, not worrying about getting the whole thing done today. I'm just going through and tossing out trash, cleaning the kitchen and fridge, and doing my laundry... that will be enough to get some good energy flowing in here, and I ca... Tue, 14 Apr 2015 16:23:14 EST Evening #1 April 13 Admittedly, I can't count how many times I've, "started over," with numbering these blogs, but I'm never forgetting the past, it's just another new birth after a cycle of reinventing myself (it happens... phoenix spirit). Sometimes it's easier to just use numbers instead of coming up with a blog title, ok :P <BR> <BR> I went for a walk this evening instead of ordering food (I think this was a pretty amazing plan, tbh). I am feeling a lot of tension and emotional stuff right now, so I'm tryi... Tue, 14 Apr 2015 00:00:31 EST New Job New Plan New Life ;) <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <BR> Hello lovelies! <BR> <BR> I started working a few weeks ago at executive services at Safelite. I am the person who takes all of the escalated calls about warranty and legal. Hahaha. It sounds a lot worse than it is.... it basically consists of calming people down, fixing problems, and spending money on the company's behalf -- Things I am good at! It's an honest company, not looking to rip anyone off, so al... Mon, 13 Apr 2015 16:47:47 EST Rebirth of a Phoenix <img src=""> <BR> <BR> "It’s marvelous to grow bored of a pattern, because it means you’re ready to let go of an old scenario and envision something that’s more in alignment with who you are in present time. Likewise, when you’re feeling disappointed and let down by life – I believe what you’re really being given is an invitation to Create. <BR> <BR> A good friend once told me that we should never make decisions based on fear of the al... Thu, 19 Mar 2015 15:01:09 EST Hmm.. <img src=""> <BR> Thank you all for your support. <BR> Unfortunately, some people in my family are the least supportive and are actually pretty controlling and emotionally abusive if I let them be, so I have to find support outside of my family. I've been doing really well, seeing my therapist, finishing my degree, getting this job, just trying to be more autonomous and independent, having a lot of confidence in myself, so apparently that... Thu, 19 Mar 2015 13:22:29 EST The undead has come back to life! <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Happy Drink-Alcohol-til-you-pass-out-Day. <BR> I didn't participate.. but my roommate did. He is so hungover he had to call off of work (yikes) and is now worried about the security of his job (double yikes). <BR> <BR> My interview is in less than 7 hours and I'm nervous!!! <BR> <BR> I did extremely well today -- First I took a 2 hour bath, complete with epsom salts, lavender oil, bubbles, and baking soda... did... Wed, 18 Mar 2015 03:01:11 EST Cross-Fit <img src=""> <BR> "When the tide goes out, you can see who has been swimming with no clothes on" <BR> <BR> Hello Sparkrfiends!!!! <BR> <BR> So everyone I know has been going through a rough time lately. I could go into my analyses, but this is not the place for it. It's okay. A little destruction is necessary for better ways of being to manifest themselves, right? <BR> <BR> I am definitely included in that list of people dealing wit... Mon, 16 Mar 2015 15:20:37 EST Binge Eating / Honesty <img src=""> <BR> artwork by Rose Bousamra <BR> <BR> "Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have." —Robert Holden <BR> <BR> "Other people are not medicine." —Amy Poehler <BR> <BR> <BR> Hi, I'm Jamie, and I have binge eating disorder. It's worse when I'm stressed out, when I'm not sleeping, when I'm depressed. I have a lot of guilt and shame around this condition, and I used to try to cover ... Sat, 28 Feb 2015 23:18:04 EST Day 59 <img src=""> <BR> "If we have awareness of something, we can change it. If we do not have awareness, then we cannot. Each time we come back to the here and now, we let go of our conditioning. A space for grace enters." <BR> <BR> I woke up at 8 am today :) It was sort of magic, because I went to bed rather late, but woke up still feeling refreshed and good. I made some low-sodium breakfast sausage (sparkrecipe!) and some eggs, buckwheat p... Sat, 28 Feb 2015 09:27:40 EST Crossfit <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I've decided to do crossfit :) I emailed my local gym (it just opened last year), and they said they'd love to have all 375 lb of me, and that as long as I am willing to commit they are willing to support and train me at whatever level I'm at physically. <BR> <BR> :) I'm excited! It's going to be a lot of work, but I am so very ready. I LOVE strength training, and HIIT, and running, and they are going to help me d... Fri, 27 Feb 2015 12:24:05 EST Day 57 - Hope <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I met with one of my professors today. I was completely overwhelmed by her graciousness and support. She has known that I've been struggling with mental health and dropping classes for years now... she knows about my experience last year and how much I've been struggling to glue the pieces back together since then. She has always been super duper supportive of me no matter how many times I mess up. <BR> <BR> Toda... Thu, 26 Feb 2015 18:02:43 EST Day 56 - The Garden <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Being outside and walking in the sunlight makes such a huge difference for mental health. Note to self: DO IT EVERY DAY :) <BR> <BR> Therapy went well. I'm eating well. I cleaned my apartment. I also sang today! <BR> <BR> All the good things. <BR> <BR> Now, I just need to repeat the good day again tomorrow. <BR> <BR> Baby steps :) <BR> <BR> Positive, self-esteem-building self-talk: I can do this. I am worth ... Wed, 25 Feb 2015 18:18:13 EST Day 55 - We won't live too long, so let's love for one song <img src=""> <BR> <BR> "If you want to kill yourself, kill what you don’t like. I had an old self that I killed. You can kill yourself too, but that doesn’t mean you got to stop living." —Archie’s Final Project <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <BR> I have been selfish and running away and hiding from... Tue, 24 Feb 2015 20:10:47 EST Day 50 <img src=""> <BR> "Your handwriting. The way you walk. Which china pattern you choose. It’s all giving you away. Everything you do shows your hand. Everything is a self portrait. Everything is a diary." —Chuck Palahniuk <BR> <BR> <BR> Before every decision you make, ask yourself, "what would someone who loves themself do?" <BR> <BR> <BR> I'm singing today. It makes my soul happy :) Thu, 19 Feb 2015 21:05:13 EST Day 49 <img src=""> <BR> Okay. <BR> I didn't get that job I interviewed for. And I sort of fell into a mini depression over that and a personal thing and binged and fell off the wagon and generally let myself slide into no-no land for a few weeks. Blargh. To be honest though, it might not all be my fault... I think this prozac is making my anxiety worse, which might be leading to the binge eating. I have an appointment Fri, and I'm going to as... Wed, 18 Feb 2015 15:23:56 EST Day 33.5 WISH ME LUCK!!! <img src=""> <BR> THIS JUST IN: A MUCH BETTER JOB INTERVIEW TOMORROW! <BR> <BR> WISH ME LUCK! <BR> <BR> It kind of just fell out of the sky! It's an amazing opportunity and I am so excited and nervous. <BR> <BR> PLEASE WISH ME LUCK, <BR> <BR> ARIGATOU GOZAIMASU!~ <BR> <BR> Haha I'm off to the store to find something business professional and sassy :D Mon, 2 Feb 2015 18:30:58 EST Day 33 - <img src=""> <BR> <BR> As I write this I am enjoying a carton of strawberries with the tiniest bit of dark chocolate syrup. Nom. <BR> <BR> Today I am being strong. I am living consciously and in the moment, and I am not running from my emotions - with food, TV, or anything else. I did some yoga :) and then I cleaned. Cleaning = emotional self care. It's a good day. I'm alive, and everything is possible. <BR> <BR> "leaving is not enou... Mon, 2 Feb 2015 13:37:06 EST Day 32 - idek <img src=""> <BR> <BR> "The yardstick for a human being is: how long and to what degree he can bear to be alone, devoid of understanding with others. <BR> <BR> A man who can bear being alone during a whole life-time, and alone in decisions of eternal significance, is farthest removed from the infant and the society-person who represent the animal-definition of being human." <BR> -Kierkegaard <BR> <BR> <BR> Welllllllllll <BR> <BR> I'... Sun, 1 Feb 2015 14:16:13 EST Day 28 - Weigh in <img src=""> <BR> Lost 4 lb this week :D Yeah!!!! <BR> <BR> Um, I missed a week. Anyway. I am feeling really, really great right now. <BR> Sleep is on track. Moods are high. Energy levels high. <BR> <BR> <BR> I'm ready to take on the week! Going to keep up this momentum ^_^ <BR> Basically the same goals as last week, but also trying to be more flexible with them and spending the energy when I have it instead of waiting around for a sc... Wed, 28 Jan 2015 20:21:14 EST Day 21 - Weigh in <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I lost about 1.5 lb. Woohoo. That is great, and although I want to lose more on a weekly basis, I am going to celebrate this success as a stepping stone to where I want to be -- the timeframe is not as important as the fact that I'm making progress and becoming healthier. I am really trying to lose 1 lb 100 times, so I just have to keep it up and I will get where I want to be. I'm still feeling blue, but I'm takin... Wed, 21 Jan 2015 23:55:39 EST A Hopeful Thought Experiment <img src=""> <BR> <BR> My anxiety was bad today. I forgot to take my medication before class, and I was still feeling down on myself for dropping one of them -- but I'm trying really hard to follow my friend Nikki's suggestion and to think positively... I will never live up to my impossible expectations of myself, but I am building forward momentum and learning to accept and love myself as I am now, and I really need to give myself a br... Tue, 20 Jan 2015 20:24:16 EST Day 20 - Last Chance workout <img src=""> <BR> "Joy is permanent, happiness is temporary. Joy depends upon what happens inside of you. Happiness depends upon what happens outside of you. Happiness requires changing circumstances, including people. Joy requires changing yourself." - Gary Zukav <BR> <BR> Tomorrow = Weigh-in Day. I'm going to the gym (for the second night in a row!) for some serious cardio. I did end up dropping that class, which I feel was a good de... Tue, 20 Jan 2015 10:20:49 EST Day 19 - Easy Does It <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I'm just trying to take it easy~ I'm thinking about putting off this one class to make my schedule less hectic and to lower my stress levels, but I will need to meet with my advisor tomorrow to see if he thinks that is a good idea. I think I did overload my courses this semester, and it's not very good for my mental health. If I can put it off until my last semester next academic year, that will take some stress of... Mon, 19 Jan 2015 11:50:36 EST Day 18 - Calm Waters <img src=""> <BR> <BR> “In this world, there are things you can only do alone, and things you can only do with somebody else. It's important to combine the two in just the right amount.” <BR> &#8213; Haruki Murakami, After Dark <BR> <BR> I'm finally feeling on an even keel emotionally. In fact, I feel kind of spectacular, compared to recent events -- energy levels are high; anxiety and mental tension are nowhere to be seen. Physically... Sun, 18 Jan 2015 18:06:45 EST ... Have you ever felt you had to do something you knew was right, but your heart cried out how wrong it was the whole time? <BR> <BR> How deeply this ache is felt. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Maybe in another life, darling... Sun, 18 Jan 2015 12:20:41 EST Day 17 - Calmer and Grounded <img src=""> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Last night I had an epic workout :) Today I am studying, but also just taking care of myself. Eating all the best things (yes, those avocados), doing some yoga, cleaning, just taking care of myself and letting myself experience <BR> <BR> Grace <BR> <BR> Love <BR> <BR> Gratitude <BR> <BR> Authenticity <BR> <BR> Pleasure <BR> <BR> Joy <B... Sat, 17 Jan 2015 14:40:21 EST Day 16 - Buspar and Slaying the Anxiety Dragon <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I'm listening to Brene Brown's "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" audiobook. It's really great. :) <BR> <BR> <BR> I have generalized anxiety disorder. No matter how much I want to wish this diagnosis away with positive thinking, there are sometimes that I am NOT in control of it. This week, with the first week of classes, it was really one of those... Fri, 16 Jan 2015 14:09:20 EST Day 15 - Oh where oh where have my eating habits gone? "Mindfulness helps us get better at seeing the difference between what’s happening and the stories we tell ourselves about what’s happening, stories that get in the way of direct experience. Often such stories treat a fleeting state of mind as if it were our entire and permanent self.” <BR> &#8213; Sharon Salzberg <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Last night I went to the gym and it was GLORIOUS! I am going to go again tomorrow and do anothe... Thu, 15 Jan 2015 19:19:10 EST Day 14.5 Theanine to the rescue! <img src=""> <BR> (An L-Theanine amino acid molecule) <BR> <BR> Well, my mind was teetering back and forth between complete fatigue and complete anxiety / inability to focus.... so I tried my old friend, L-Theanine, along with some coffee. GREAT SUCCESS. Usually coffee just makes me jittery and nuts, but the theanine slows absorption and relaxes the mind while the caffeine increases focus and energy. I feel relaxed, but alert. Now I can... Wed, 14 Jan 2015 09:57:08 EST Day 14 Adventures in sleeping forever <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I am definitely not used to this hectic schedule. I slept poorly the last few nights (because I was anxious about school starting), so I thought i'd take a "nap" yesterday because I was exhausted.. that was at about 4 pm. Then I woke up around... 4 am. o_O Okay... I guess I will do my studying now before class, hit the gym after, then therapy at 1, cook a bit of dinner, maybe study.. in bed again by 7 or 8. Weird? ... Wed, 14 Jan 2015 04:57:56 EST Day 13 “Listen to me, your body is not a temple. Temples can be destroyed and desecrated. Your body is a forest—thick canopies of maple trees and sweet scented wildflowers sprouting in the under wood. You will grow back, over and over, no matter how badly you are devastated.” <BR> <BR> by Beau Taplin/ <BR> art by Duy Huynh Studio <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> TOMORROW IS WEIGH-IN DAY! <BR> <BR> I am feeling a lot better emotionally than I was t... Tue, 13 Jan 2015 11:30:15 EST Day 12 <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <BR> First day of class. I'm anxious as heck and tempted to skip it, but I won't. <BR> I had a very strange weekend full of inner tension, anxiety, and emotional lability. <BR> I understand the triggers, but not the magnitude of these emotions. I think it may be wise to look into a mood stabilizing medication to help me function better under stress; this morning I called a psychiatrist, so I'll see how long it ... Mon, 12 Jan 2015 07:57:18 EST Day 11 (early) "You don’t have to 'earn' the right to eat. <BR> If you’re going out for dinner tonight, <BR> you don’t have to save up calories by restricting all day. <BR> Eat. Every time you're hungry. <BR> Eat. Eat what you love. <BR> Listen to & Trust your body. <BR> Don't postpone nourishment. Enjoy it all. <BR> And remember: <BR> Good friends and a calm mind <BR> are excellent for your digestion." <BR> ~ s.w. berry <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> ... Sat, 10 Jan 2015 16:52:23 EST Day 10 “The art of living... is neither careless drifting on the one hand nor fearful clinging to the past on the other. It consists in being sensitive to each moment, in regarding it as utterly new and unique, in having the mind open and wholly receptive.” <BR> <img src=""> <BR> &#8213; Alan W. Watts (happy 100th birthday.) <BR> <BR> <BR> Just studying. All day. Boo. <BR> <BR> Do you think a trip to the gym later will help me de-stress and ... Sat, 10 Jan 2015 16:34:10 EST Day 9 "The moment we override our hunger for substance, settling for whatever's handy, we are choosing our own unconsciousness. Whether with relationships, pastimes, or the food and media we consume, if what we are taking 'on-board' lacks real nutrition, we will pay for it with a feeling of disconnection. Seductive as it may be to fit in, the magic is in holding out for what brings you alive. Anything less is a decision to relinquish your power and creative potency." <BR> <BR> <img src="http://ph... Fri, 9 Jan 2015 12:09:58 EST Day 7 Freakout~ AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <BR> <BR> that is all, really. So many feels. So much stress. But I am not collapsing under it, I'm going to stay strong and push through. <BR> <BR> Let's just say today was my cheat meal and the rest of the week needs to be better ;) It's okay, I'm going to pull through. Never in my life has so much been going on and yet I've held my sh!t together through all of it. I am stronger than I've ever been. <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=" Wed, 7 Jan 2015 23:55:17 EST Day 6 - Dem Moods I'm just tired today. I didn't sleep well last night. So many thoughts. Silly brain. I was incredibly happy yesterday and it felt great. I can't remember the last time I'd been so happy. <BR> <BR> I have a lot to do and no motivation to do any of it. Maybe I should hit the hay and try again tomorrow. <BR> <BR> I guess I spent too much happy brain chemicals yesterday, this is my inevitable crash. <BR> <BR> I might be the only person I know who has never tried the drug ecstasy, but who has ... Tue, 6 Jan 2015 16:46:36 EST Long-Term Goal Weight / Maintenance Range Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! <BR> <BR> I just realized there is a "Lost 200+ lb with Sparkpeople" Icon. I AM GOING TO GET THAT ICON ON MY PAGE. <BR> <BR> I started out years and years ago at 419 lb, when I first found SP and first began my journey towards health, and if I can make it to 219 lb, I can actually use that icon, which is the highest one in the success gallery. <BR> <BR> It's going to take me YEARS to do this, but that's okay! I will get there :) HEHEHE! <BR> <BR> I'm 6'1, so I t... Mon, 5 Jan 2015 13:06:48 EST Day 5 Sleep is on schedule and so much better. Apartment clean. Now, my gym membership has been recently renewed and I am thinking I need to really take advantage of it this month so I am working on a workout schedule (thinking of maybe doing my walk/runs on the elliptical and doing a lot more strength training than I have been, maybe adding some swimming in there). Also it's COLD outside so this was definitely the month to renew it. I'm going to try to make it at least 5 days a week to get my mone... Mon, 5 Jan 2015 12:31:51 EST Day 2 I did not sleep well last night. I'm going to need to take some melatonin tonight or something to make sure it goes better. I always get neck and shoulder pain when I don't sleep right :/ Oh, I might try making my mattress firmer (it's a sleep number) if I can find the remote today... <BR> <BR> I need to clean my apartment today. My goal is to finish the kitchen and living room and at least get my room to be presentable even if it's not spotlessly clean (and to find my bed remote lol). <BR>... Fri, 2 Jan 2015 11:10:23 EST Happy New Year~! I am full of hope and gratitude. I just know 2015 is going to be a good year for me. <BR> <BR> I made buffalo chicken in the slow cooker (yum) and then turned it into buffalo chicken dip with veggies (triple yum!). SO FAR SO GOOD :D I've also been enjoying fruit smoothies with some frozen berries and hemp hearts I picked up at the store. <BR> <BR> Okayyyy No resolutions, just a commitment to myself and an intention to feel grounded, peaceful, joyous, accepting, loving, and strong as often ... Thu, 1 Jan 2015 18:20:10 EST