VALKYRIA-'s SparkPeople Blog VALKYRIA-'s Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Day 32 - idek <img src=""> <BR> <BR> "The yardstick for a human being is: how long and to what degree he can bear to be alone, devoid of understanding with others. <BR> <BR> A man who can bear being alone during a whole life-time, and alone in decisions of eternal significance, is farthest removed from the infant and the society-person who represent the animal-definition of being human." <BR> -Kierkegaard <BR> <BR> <BR> Welllllllllll <BR> <BR> I'... Sun, 1 Feb 2015 14:16:13 EST Day 28 - Weigh in <img src=""> <BR> Lost 4 lb this week :D Yeah!!!! <BR> <BR> Um, I missed a week. Anyway. I am feeling really, really great right now. <BR> Sleep is on track. Moods are high. Energy levels high. <BR> <BR> <BR> I'm ready to take on the week! Going to keep up this momentum ^_^ <BR> Basically the same goals as last week, but also trying to be more flexible with them and spending the energy when I have it instead of waiting around for a sc... Wed, 28 Jan 2015 20:21:14 EST Day 21 - Weigh in <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I lost about 1.5 lb. Woohoo. That is great, and although I want to lose more on a weekly basis, I am going to celebrate this success as a stepping stone to where I want to be -- the timeframe is not as important as the fact that I'm making progress and becoming healthier. I am really trying to lose 1 lb 100 times, so I just have to keep it up and I will get where I want to be. I'm still feeling blue, but I'm takin... Wed, 21 Jan 2015 23:55:39 EST A Hopeful Thought Experiment <img src=""> <BR> <BR> My anxiety was bad today. I forgot to take my medication before class, and I was still feeling down on myself for dropping one of them -- but I'm trying really hard to follow my friend Nikki's suggestion and to think positively... I will never live up to my impossible expectations of myself, but I am building forward momentum and learning to accept and love myself as I am now, and I really need to give myself a br... Tue, 20 Jan 2015 20:24:16 EST Day 20 - Last Chance workout <img src=""> <BR> "Joy is permanent, happiness is temporary. Joy depends upon what happens inside of you. Happiness depends upon what happens outside of you. Happiness requires changing circumstances, including people. Joy requires changing yourself." - Gary Zukav <BR> <BR> Tomorrow = Weigh-in Day. I'm going to the gym (for the second night in a row!) for some serious cardio. I did end up dropping that class, which I feel was a good de... Tue, 20 Jan 2015 10:20:49 EST Day 19 - Easy Does It <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I'm just trying to take it easy~ I'm thinking about putting off this one class to make my schedule less hectic and to lower my stress levels, but I will need to meet with my advisor tomorrow to see if he thinks that is a good idea. I think I did overload my courses this semester, and it's not very good for my mental health. If I can put it off until my last semester next academic year, that will take some stress of... Mon, 19 Jan 2015 11:50:36 EST Day 18 - Calm Waters <img src=""> <BR> <BR> “In this world, there are things you can only do alone, and things you can only do with somebody else. It's important to combine the two in just the right amount.” <BR> &#8213; Haruki Murakami, After Dark <BR> <BR> I'm finally feeling on an even keel emotionally. In fact, I feel kind of spectacular, compared to recent events -- energy levels are high; anxiety and mental tension are nowhere to be seen. Physically... Sun, 18 Jan 2015 18:06:45 EST ... Have you ever felt you had to do something you knew was right, but your heart cried out how wrong it was the whole time? <BR> <BR> How deeply this ache is felt. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Maybe in another life, darling... Sun, 18 Jan 2015 12:20:41 EST Day 17 - Calmer and Grounded <img src=""> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Last night I had an epic workout :) Today I am studying, but also just taking care of myself. Eating all the best things (yes, those avocados), doing some yoga, cleaning, just taking care of myself and letting myself experience <BR> <BR> Grace <BR> <BR> Love <BR> <BR> Gratitude <BR> <BR> Authenticity <BR> <BR> Pleasure <BR> <BR> Joy <B... Sat, 17 Jan 2015 14:40:21 EST Day 16 - Buspar and Slaying the Anxiety Dragon <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I'm listening to Brene Brown's "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" audiobook. It's really great. :) <BR> <BR> <BR> I have generalized anxiety disorder. No matter how much I want to wish this diagnosis away with positive thinking, there are sometimes that I am NOT in control of it. This week, with the first week of classes, it was really one of those... Fri, 16 Jan 2015 14:09:20 EST Day 15 - Oh where oh where have my eating habits gone? "Mindfulness helps us get better at seeing the difference between what’s happening and the stories we tell ourselves about what’s happening, stories that get in the way of direct experience. Often such stories treat a fleeting state of mind as if it were our entire and permanent self.” <BR> &#8213; Sharon Salzberg <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Last night I went to the gym and it was GLORIOUS! I am going to go again tomorrow and do anothe... Thu, 15 Jan 2015 19:19:10 EST Day 14.5 Theanine to the rescue! <img src=""> <BR> (An L-Theanine amino acid molecule) <BR> <BR> Well, my mind was teetering back and forth between complete fatigue and complete anxiety / inability to focus.... so I tried my old friend, L-Theanine, along with some coffee. GREAT SUCCESS. Usually coffee just makes me jittery and nuts, but the theanine slows absorption and relaxes the mind while the caffeine increases focus and energy. I feel relaxed, but alert. Now I can... Wed, 14 Jan 2015 09:57:08 EST Day 14 Adventures in sleeping forever <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I am definitely not used to this hectic schedule. I slept poorly the last few nights (because I was anxious about school starting), so I thought i'd take a "nap" yesterday because I was exhausted.. that was at about 4 pm. Then I woke up around... 4 am. o_O Okay... I guess I will do my studying now before class, hit the gym after, then therapy at 1, cook a bit of dinner, maybe study.. in bed again by 7 or 8. Weird? ... Wed, 14 Jan 2015 04:57:56 EST Day 13 “Listen to me, your body is not a temple. Temples can be destroyed and desecrated. Your body is a forest—thick canopies of maple trees and sweet scented wildflowers sprouting in the under wood. You will grow back, over and over, no matter how badly you are devastated.” <BR> <BR> by Beau Taplin/ <BR> art by Duy Huynh Studio <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> TOMORROW IS WEIGH-IN DAY! <BR> <BR> I am feeling a lot better emotionally than I was t... Tue, 13 Jan 2015 11:30:15 EST Day 12 <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <BR> First day of class. I'm anxious as heck and tempted to skip it, but I won't. <BR> I had a very strange weekend full of inner tension, anxiety, and emotional lability. <BR> I understand the triggers, but not the magnitude of these emotions. I think it may be wise to look into a mood stabilizing medication to help me function better under stress; this morning I called a psychiatrist, so I'll see how long it ... Mon, 12 Jan 2015 07:57:18 EST Day 11 (early) "You don’t have to 'earn' the right to eat. <BR> If you’re going out for dinner tonight, <BR> you don’t have to save up calories by restricting all day. <BR> Eat. Every time you're hungry. <BR> Eat. Eat what you love. <BR> Listen to & Trust your body. <BR> Don't postpone nourishment. Enjoy it all. <BR> And remember: <BR> Good friends and a calm mind <BR> are excellent for your digestion." <BR> ~ s.w. berry <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> ... Sat, 10 Jan 2015 16:52:23 EST Day 10 “The art of living... is neither careless drifting on the one hand nor fearful clinging to the past on the other. It consists in being sensitive to each moment, in regarding it as utterly new and unique, in having the mind open and wholly receptive.” <BR> <img src=""> <BR> &#8213; Alan W. Watts (happy 100th birthday.) <BR> <BR> <BR> Just studying. All day. Boo. <BR> <BR> Do you think a trip to the gym later will help me de-stress and ... Sat, 10 Jan 2015 16:34:10 EST Day 9 "The moment we override our hunger for substance, settling for whatever's handy, we are choosing our own unconsciousness. Whether with relationships, pastimes, or the food and media we consume, if what we are taking 'on-board' lacks real nutrition, we will pay for it with a feeling of disconnection. Seductive as it may be to fit in, the magic is in holding out for what brings you alive. Anything less is a decision to relinquish your power and creative potency." <BR> <BR> <img src="http://ph... Fri, 9 Jan 2015 12:09:58 EST Day 7 Freakout~ AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <BR> <BR> that is all, really. So many feels. So much stress. But I am not collapsing under it, I'm going to stay strong and push through. <BR> <BR> Let's just say today was my cheat meal and the rest of the week needs to be better ;) It's okay, I'm going to pull through. Never in my life has so much been going on and yet I've held my sh!t together through all of it. I am stronger than I've ever been. <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=" Wed, 7 Jan 2015 23:55:17 EST Day 6 - Dem Moods I'm just tired today. I didn't sleep well last night. So many thoughts. Silly brain. I was incredibly happy yesterday and it felt great. I can't remember the last time I'd been so happy. <BR> <BR> I have a lot to do and no motivation to do any of it. Maybe I should hit the hay and try again tomorrow. <BR> <BR> I guess I spent too much happy brain chemicals yesterday, this is my inevitable crash. <BR> <BR> I might be the only person I know who has never tried the drug ecstasy, but who has ... Tue, 6 Jan 2015 16:46:36 EST Long-Term Goal Weight / Maintenance Range Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! <BR> <BR> I just realized there is a "Lost 200+ lb with Sparkpeople" Icon. I AM GOING TO GET THAT ICON ON MY PAGE. <BR> <BR> I started out years and years ago at 419 lb, when I first found SP and first began my journey towards health, and if I can make it to 219 lb, I can actually use that icon, which is the highest one in the success gallery. <BR> <BR> It's going to take me YEARS to do this, but that's okay! I will get there :) HEHEHE! <BR> <BR> I'm 6'1, so I t... Mon, 5 Jan 2015 13:06:48 EST Day 5 Sleep is on schedule and so much better. Apartment clean. Now, my gym membership has been recently renewed and I am thinking I need to really take advantage of it this month so I am working on a workout schedule (thinking of maybe doing my walk/runs on the elliptical and doing a lot more strength training than I have been, maybe adding some swimming in there). Also it's COLD outside so this was definitely the month to renew it. I'm going to try to make it at least 5 days a week to get my mone... Mon, 5 Jan 2015 12:31:51 EST Day 2 I did not sleep well last night. I'm going to need to take some melatonin tonight or something to make sure it goes better. I always get neck and shoulder pain when I don't sleep right :/ Oh, I might try making my mattress firmer (it's a sleep number) if I can find the remote today... <BR> <BR> I need to clean my apartment today. My goal is to finish the kitchen and living room and at least get my room to be presentable even if it's not spotlessly clean (and to find my bed remote lol). <BR>... Fri, 2 Jan 2015 11:10:23 EST Happy New Year~! I am full of hope and gratitude. I just know 2015 is going to be a good year for me. <BR> <BR> I made buffalo chicken in the slow cooker (yum) and then turned it into buffalo chicken dip with veggies (triple yum!). SO FAR SO GOOD :D I've also been enjoying fruit smoothies with some frozen berries and hemp hearts I picked up at the store. <BR> <BR> Okayyyy No resolutions, just a commitment to myself and an intention to feel grounded, peaceful, joyous, accepting, loving, and strong as often ... Thu, 1 Jan 2015 18:20:10 EST Toxic Parents I just listened to this book on audible called "Toxic Parents" ... my therapist recommended it. <BR> <BR> SIGH. <BR> <BR> So much of it resonates, and it makes me look at my weight and mental/emotional struggles differently. <BR> <BR> It's also helping me grow. <BR> <BR> :) <BR> <BR> Many of my opinions of myself, I now realize, come directly from things I've internalized from my parents' viewpoints. I've spent a lot of my life feeling overly responsible for their emotions and tryin... Wed, 31 Dec 2014 14:36:55 EST Doctor Visit It's always a good time when everything at the doctor checks out normal and healthy~!! I haven't always had such good test results, so I'm proud of maintaining healthy blood pressure, cholesterol, triglycerides, blood sugar, etc. . . Everything was good! <BR> <BR> In my early teens I was diagnosed with insulin resistance, and my HA1C was always elevated to pre-diabetic levels. Over the years my endocrinologist had me on medications like Byetta, glucophage, and Victoza to try to lower it. I... Fri, 26 Dec 2014 14:10:32 EST Temporarily blocking all romantic attention I have a tendency to lose myself in romantic relationships, focusing on the other's needs over my own. I obsess over guys I have a crush on. Worse yet is feeling abandoned (either by emotionally unavailable men or at the end of a relationship); it triggers all kinds of horrible things from childhood. I am still healing from a very long and not-healthy relationship. Furthermore, I have a horrible tendency to gravitate toward negative, narcissistic, and mentally unstable men (working that sh!t ... Thu, 25 Dec 2014 15:35:10 EST End of Year Report, Serious Goal Setting Happy Solstice/Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Festiv<BR>us/Whatever, everyone! <BR> <BR> As we enter the darkest time of the year, I find my reflection and introspection reaching a peak. I'm starting to think about my goals, and allowing myself to set really ambitious ones, unapologetically. <BR> <BR> Well this has been a crazy year, but I've made quite a bit of progress in my life. Unfortunately, not too much weight progress BUT, I did gain and lose the same 20 lb about a billion times -- thi... Wed, 24 Dec 2014 19:44:43 EST 2 more lbs down :D Annnnnd I'm back in the 360's. Getting closer to my goal of 359 by Jan 1. <BR> <BR> I am really doing this. <BR> <BR> :) Fri, 5 Dec 2014 13:05:50 EST Day 1 = lose 2 lb Awwww yeah! The Thanksgiving gain is officially gone :) <BR> <BR> This is my second day of waking up at 8 A.M.... it's honestly not so bad! I was sore when I woke up, but some warm lemon water and Tai Chi fixed all of that and got me ready for the day. I don't think I am a morning person, but I feel a lot healthier and more productive when I wake up early. Maybe I'll get used to it?! Today I'm doing a bunch of laundry and trying to make a dent in my room... Did my second couch to 5k run yes... Tue, 2 Dec 2014 09:25:04 EST I'm Back! So I finally have internet access on a device other than my phone for the first time in months; <BR> <BR> I'm also super motivated this December! My Sparkfriend Liz and I signed up for a 5k next year, and I am restarting the couch to 5k running program to kick off my training. <BR> <BR> I managed to only gain 2 lb over Thanksgiving.. for me, that is pretty fantastic -- my first goal is to lose it this week. <BR> <BR> my schedule looks like this: <BR> <BR> Run - M, Th, Sat <BR> ST - T... Mon, 1 Dec 2014 17:34:01 EST The happy hormone :) This blog is hilarious, informative, scientific, and insightful. <BR> <BR> Sage words on relieving stress and feeling connected with others. <BR> <BR> Had to share :) so relevant to my life. I'm pretty sure interracting on Sparkpeople raises my oxytocin :D love you guys. <BR> <BR> <link><BR>/10-unusual-ways-to-release-oxytocin-i<BR>nto-your-life/ </link> <BR> <BR> Also I lost 2.5 lb this week?! Yay! Semi-ambitious goal for next week to get back into... Wed, 24 Sep 2014 22:40:42 EST Blc 26 Goals Sept 17 - Dec 10 <BR> <BR> -To make every decision from a place of mindfulness and with the intention of feeling good/increasing health and fitness <BR> -To lose 25 lb <BR> -To stay consistent with exercise and nutrition goals (staying in calorie and carb range, avoiding sugar, eating 5 servings of freggies and a probiotic daily... Exercise goals TBA*) <BR> -To be asleep by 11 pm each night and to develop a set schedule for mealtimes <BR> -To do something every day to manage stress and to la... Mon, 22 Sep 2014 10:41:30 EST Initial Weigh In / self pep talk I was so sure I'd gained weight over the past month (since last time I weighed in)... I was bracing for a nasty gain and then.... Lost 1.2 lb :) yay! Obviously I plan to lose at a faster pace over the next 12 weeks but any loss is a success, especially considering how stressed and disorganized I was (and the crap I was eating fairly regularly). <BR> <BR> Oh!!!!! The best part: I did my inch measurements and I lost about 1.5 inches everywhere :D yay swimming and st!!! <BR> <BR> It's funny, ... Wed, 17 Sep 2014 12:43:57 EST Where I've been, Where I'm going First of all I am in a MUCH better place than I was earlier this year (thank you again to those who supported me back then). My new job starts soon, I'm in classes and have a projected end date to my degree as July 31, 2015. I'm going to do it. I'm going to finish it :) I'm also looking for a new therapist closer to my apartment, will update about that when I find one -- I'm sure the investment into my emotional/mental health will be worth it. The work I've done on my own (reading psychology ... Wed, 17 Sep 2014 00:29:05 EST Weekly Tracking Sun <BR> ----- <BR> <img src=""> <BR> Did a short walk at the gym, had a particularly good stretch and tried to get my sleep on schedule according to my goals (woke up in the middle of the night and slept in a few extra hours, but I'm getting closer!). <BR> <BR> Mon <BR> ----- <BR> <img src=""> <BR> Walked to the grocery store! Probably should have paused the tracker while I was sh... Mon, 28 Jul 2014 20:13:45 EST Plans/Goals! I do better when I'm organized so here we go <BR> :) <BR> <BR> CW: 379 <BR> ST Goal: 360 (my 5%) <BR> LT Goal: 225 by my 30th birthday (Nov 7 2016) <BR> <BR> Game plan(at least for the next few months): <BR> <BR> -Lose about 2 lb per week <BR> <BR> -Sleep by 10 pm, 8+ hours each night <BR> -Cultivating mindfulness and self-love <BR> -Reconnecting with nature/getting some sun each day <BR> -Decompressing emotions and staying focused through art, music, and daily blogs <BR> -Seeking out mo... Sun, 27 Jul 2014 22:44:29 EST Positive affirmations I just want to remind myself (in case I need to look back at this blog any time this week) of the following: <BR> <BR> 1. I AM STRONG. <BR> No matter how many times in my life I thought I couldn't get through something, I have always made it through. Even through facing death and suicidal depression and mania and hopelessness, It has all given me deeper insight into life and my mind and humanity and what's important, it has led to my creative reawakening, it has all made me stronger. Even ... Sun, 20 Jul 2014 21:17:20 EST Mindfulness! "Our Appointment with Life" with Thich Nhat Hanh: <BR> <link><BR>ppointment-with-life/ </link> <BR> <BR> I am so grateful for this man and his teachings! <BR> <BR> “Breath is the bridge which connects life to consciousness, which unites your body to your thoughts. Whenever your mind becomes scattered, use your breath as the means to take hold of your mind again.” <BR> <BR> “Your breathing should flow gracefully, <BR> like a river, like a watersnake c... Sat, 12 Jul 2014 13:27:56 EST Law of Attraction Well you know what? I'm done focusing on fears and negative thoughts. I'm going to act as though it is impossible to fail, to focus on positivity and to replace all negative thoughts with a clear vision of my goals. I'm going to make my life and my reality what I want it to be... <BR> <BR> ..and this includes my weight and health goals :) <BR> <BR> This sounds pretty strange, yeah, but I feel that mastering my mind will help me master everything else in my life. I mean, it's what I have be... Fri, 11 Jul 2014 22:24:25 EST Week 1 weigh in Loss: 6 lb <BR> <BR> yayyyyy! <BR> <BR> Aiming for another 2-3lb by next weekend. :) I haven't had fast food or anything not-home-cooked all week and my body thanks me for it. I've been avoiding junk and snacking on anti-inflammatory fruits and teas instead. I know one fast food meal every now and then isn't going to kill me, but all the same I think I am sensitive to the crappy ingredients and it makes me feel bad, so I am going to keep trying to avoid it whenever possible BUT ... Fri, 11 Jul 2014 15:22:20 EST Day 6 Just a quick blog. Had a good time visiting family! I'm cooking a bunch of delicious food tonight :) Weigh in tomorrow, so nothing too salty. <BR> <BR> I cleaned the HECK out of my apartment today and it looks and feels amazing! So glad I am having all of this energy all of a sudden ^_^ I know I will sleep well tonight, and hopefully I'll feel just as good tomorrow. Annnnnd hopefully I will have a few lbs to show for my first week back in the swing of things. Wish me luck! <BR> <BR> <img... Tue, 8 Jul 2014 17:54:12 EST Day 2 Good day~ I did some grocery shopping and cooking. Made curried tuna salad, pesto cavatappi, and grass-fed beef/bean enchiladas. So much yum! The roommate approves; we've made an arrangement whereby he will pay for half the grocery budget in exchange for yummy food throughout the week :D <BR> <BR> OH! I got my hair cut today. I was nervous about it (I mean I'm always a bit socially anxious but especially when it comes to someone I don't know touching my hair!) My regular stylist moved away,... Thu, 3 Jul 2014 23:00:29 EST Day 1 all over again :) I am ready. <BR> <BR> I've been going through a very tough time in my life, but I'm through the worst of it and I've learned valuable lessons from it. I'm ready to focus my energy on my health and fitness goals. <BR> <BR> So I did a weigh-in, again, did measurements, set my goals, and am preparing to track every bite and every bit of fitness. Going back to basics and back to the lifestyle that makes me feel GOOD, inside and out, and the habits that made me feel good about myself. I will b... Wed, 2 Jul 2014 14:13:28 EST Roommate situation solved! YAY! I got a roommate !!! And we share a ton of interests and he is really nice and our personalities match well. And we are gonna be friends as well as roommates :) <BR> <BR> YAY!!!!!!! <BR> <BR> I've been focusing on raising my positive energy and focusing on pouring love into my life and accepting my circumstances and looking at the bright side and facing my fears.. and all of my soul searching is paying off. Everything seems to be just falling into place. <BR> <BR> This is a huge weig... Thu, 29 May 2014 18:31:15 EST Going with the flow I'm really bad at telling time recently. Erratic sleep schedule, but trying to sleep enough. I am aiming to get it all sorted out by the end of this weekend so that my sleep/wake cycle is consistent each day (11 pm - 7 or 8 am). This goal really needs to be my focus. It's crazy how difficult it is to get it back on track once it's off. <BR> <BR> Other than that! I am still pushing forward and doing well with diet. <BR> <BR> I have a lead on a roommate! He's into healthy living and yoga and ... Wed, 21 May 2014 14:29:08 EST Positive choices despite the stress!!! I've been eating more wholesome / raw fruits and veggies and tempeh, soba noodles, more water. All around better choices! <BR> <BR> Last night I almost got fast food, but then I took a few deep breaths, and made a deal with myself. I told myself if, after I drank a 32 oz bottle of water and ate an apple, I still wanted it, I could have it. Well... I didn't. The apple and water gave me the energy boost I needed to cook a more nutritious meal at home, and it was delicious, too. <BR> <BR> Toda... Mon, 19 May 2014 00:09:39 EST Home cooking and positive momentum I got a gluten free pizza the other day and it made me feel awful. I'm not sure if it was contaminated by gluten, if it's the refined carbs, the omega-6 oils, the chemicals/toxins, the cheese, the FODMAPs, whatever, the heck, I don't know what it is that made me feel so ill, but.. <BR> <BR> Ya know what I DO know? I NEVER feel sick or regret a meal that I cook at home. Never ever ever. Because I use good ingredients, and I cook everything with love and positive intention for nourishing my bo... Thu, 15 May 2014 19:27:36 EST Loving your body unconditionally I really needed to read this today :) <BR> <BR> <link><BR>/how-to-love-accept-your-body-uncondit<BR>ionally.html </link> <BR> <BR> And I am choosing to be happy now, not 5 lbs from now. Tue, 13 May 2014 00:21:59 EST Woah! I woke up today and everyone needed me. Every one of my friends was having a terrible day. <BR> <BR> I think I helped a lot of them. I hope so. It made me feel really good, actually, to be able to be there for them. <BR> <BR> I'm exercising again today! Woo! Positive choices! <BR> <BR> <img src=""> Tue, 13 May 2014 00:00:04 EST