TWAYGOH's SparkPeople Blog TWAYGOH's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community My journey in review I was looking over my past blogs earlier. I've been fighting this battle to lose weight since I was in high school. So, about 10-12 years. <BR> <BR> I don't get why this is so hard. I mean, really? 10-12 years and I've bounced between the same 20 lbs this whole time? I'm at the higher end, though not the highest right now. Back in November I decided to just do it and get from 160 to at least 145 before my wedding. Two weeks later, after successfully starting P90X and eating real food, ... Tue, 25 Feb 2014 15:40:11 EST Paleo poo pooers I don't understand it. I don't understand why it's so hard to believe that humans are meant to eat meat. I CAN understand not eating meat for moral reasons. That's fine. It's not the same for me because real food is to me food that I respect on a pretty deep level, but I can respect that someone else has a different mentality than I do about taking meat. <BR> <BR> But there is so much biological evidence that humans have eaten meat, since, like, forever. There is evidence that those hominids... Mon, 24 Feb 2014 20:04:36 EST Streaking Okay. I'm going to try a streak of something. <BR> <BR> Maybe streaking naked down the road. Sprinting is good for you right? <BR> <BR> But no. More seriously. Maybe making it a competition with myself, topping my best efforts. I used to be very competitive with myself, when I had a goal in mind. I remember back, 2nd? 3rd? grade I was the first kid to memorize the times tables and that was awesome. Not because I beat the other kids but because I kept getting faster and faster.... Thu, 20 Feb 2014 20:49:55 EST Reboot. It is again time for me to get restarted. I'm currently at a weight higher than I've seen in years. I'm having a really hard time getting restarted for some reason. It's been months. I was doing well until I let myself get derailed by the negative feelings I had for my housemate, but I never got myself back on track. <BR> <BR> I feel gross. Like, physically gross. I squish everywhere. Maybe I'm just more aware of it, but I feel like I squish in places that didn't used to be as squishy. Ma... Mon, 17 Feb 2014 04:08:26 EST Slump Been in a bad slump. Feeling hopeless, dragged down, not believing it's possible to meet my goals. I've been trying off and on for so long, but have lacked whatever it is to make it work. Don't know if I lack courage, discipline, energy, or what else. But whatever, I'm not doing it. <BR> <BR> I WAS doing well. Until Leonard moved into my house. Leonard is my male progenitor. My mom finished divorce proceedings with him while she was still pregnant with me, and we didn't have a lot to do wit... Sat, 18 Jan 2014 20:00:40 EST Feeling Frantic So I realized a few days ago that I hadn't reported a rather life altering event. Given the way I gush in past blogs, it may not be surprising to hear that: <BR> <BR> I AM GETTING MARRIED!!!! <BR> <BR> I've actually been engaged since last January, so about 6 months now. We are likely to be married next May or June, I haven't quite decided. Geez that's a long way off. Hate going to visit my honey, or vice versa, and having to go home after a couple of days. Ready for that to be done. <... Thu, 18 Jul 2013 13:38:39 EST 160-157 I posted a few weeks ago about how I'd go from 160 to 157 by the end of the month. <BR> <BR> Yeah. That was a lie. I'm now 161.2. Le sigh. But, this is what happens when you eat junk and don't exercise. <BR> <BR> Been eating right AGAIN for about four days. As usual, I feel great. Much more energy, not feeling naggy munchy urges. <BR> <BR> Thinking about Aaron coming this weekend, and I can already see myself sabotaging. I don't want to cook. When it's just me, I can graze on quick (mos... Fri, 5 Apr 2013 13:38:07 EST Happy I gave up TV for Lent. It was so good for me, and I got so much more done. I picked it up again after Easter. I already feel less productive and less happy. <BR> <BR> No more TV! Or at least, only on weekends. Which seems reasonable. I'm not one who has to unwind after work these days, and when I do, it works to be unwinding by doing house or yardwork. <BR> <BR> I'm so glad my body doesn't yet react to my abuses of it too negatively. Just getting off another bout of eating whatever I wan... Wed, 3 Apr 2013 14:50:40 EST Me! I actually did this a couple years ago, and was going through old blogs. Thought I'd do it again. <BR> <BR> Whats a fact about the last person you were in love with? <BR> He's a major trekkie and a total nerd. It's, adorable. <BR> <BR> Who was the last perso&#8203;n you gave up on? <BR> I was going to say Samir, but I still think it's my ex-friend Seth. Samir I pray and have hopes for still. Seth, I just don't give a damn about. <BR> <BR> Have you talke&#8203;d to a compl&#8203;ete jerk... Fri, 15 Mar 2013 21:32:21 EST I will be... I currently weight 160 lbs. By the end of the month, I will weigh 157. <BR> <BR> True story. <BR> <BR> <BR> Fri, 15 Mar 2013 20:29:09 EST Healthiness = discomfort? That's a bit how I feel today. That to be healthy I have to either be uncomfortable, or lacking in comforts. <BR> <BR> Exhibit A.) Sitting on the pilates ball again, because my spine is crooked and this straightens it. Makes my back ache. <BR> Exhibit B.) Not turning on my little space heater here, and being mildly chilly, because I want to conserve electrical energy and burn more biological energy, e.g. calories. Related, not using my electric blanket last night. Even though I was warm EN... Tue, 5 Mar 2013 19:49:19 EST TV! Gave up TV for Lent, because I was becoming a slothful slug and getting nothing done, living in spiritual dullness. <BR> <BR> Just fyi, IT'S FREAKING AMAZING! <BR> <BR> That is all. Tue, 26 Feb 2013 20:56:04 EST Don't bother reading this, just needed to vent I feel like crap. I feel like a worthless human being. I feel like a waste of oxygen, with no benefit to this world. And all because I can't manage what I eat. <BR> <BR> I know I'm not a waste just because I'm fat. I mean, for goodness sake that's probably the most absurd thing ever. I hate it when people are pitiful for no reason, like I'm being now. Total chorus of "Nobody likes me, everybody hatese me" going through my head. I'm no good company. I want to go home from Aaron's just beca... Sun, 27 Jan 2013 19:47:52 EST Commitment I lack commitment. I think I must like being fat. Every time I hit a certain point I start sabotaging myself. <BR> <BR> Going to go drown my sorrows. Aka, drink some water. I'm thirsty. Sun, 27 Jan 2013 02:32:05 EST Well, I'm up In weight that is. Not even remotely surprised. This is what happens when you eat and eat and eat and eat bad food. You gain weight. I was talking to my mom last night as we grocery shopped, and I asked, "Why is it so easy one day and so hard the next?" <BR> <BR> There was no way I was going to start eating right at the first part of last week. All I wanted was to stuff my face with muffins, pasta, potato chips, breads. And that's exactly what I did. When I DID make a good choice, I fe... Thu, 10 Jan 2013 16:51:24 EST Twisted Connection Dieting! DIETING! That's what I was going to write about. Except wait, diet is a swear around here. Which always strikes me as silly, since I'm pretty sure diet means "lifestyle" if translated literally. Anyway. Aaron says, "Dieting does not work when you have a boyfriend who can eat whatever the F he wants." True story. <BR> <BR> Was talking to my counselor today. I'm pretty recovered, not entirely, but fairly, from the issues that took me to a counselor in the first place. It'll take ... Tue, 8 Jan 2013 03:02:29 EST Distracted Aaron is very distracting. I keep trying to Sparkpeople, and I keep not. He's sitting next to me on the couch playing Kingdom of Amular. A minute a go he chuckled and said I was cute, kissed me on the top of the head. I'm like, well, I won't disagree, but why? He said "Because you just sighed, and laid your head on my shoulder." I hadn't even noticed either event until he pointed out that my head was on his shoulder. And the sigh was blissed out one. My head keeps getting drawn to his sh... Tue, 8 Jan 2013 01:28:32 EST Reasonable Goals As a part of my BLC challenge of LAST week (yes, I'm behind the times) I was advised to make a list of reasonable, attainable, small goals. For example, not, I'm going to lose 30 lbs this year but rather, I'm going to lose 3 lbs per month. I am supposed to fine it down to three, attainable goals. <BR> <BR> I have to admit, it sounds boring. Saying I'm going to lose a pound a week (which is what actually sounds reasonable to me) sounds boring. Thirty pounds this year sounds exciting, espec... Fri, 4 Jan 2013 02:04:22 EST A wall in my head I feel in this journey that there's some sort of wall in my head, blocking me from making right choices. I can almost feel it. For example. Today I have energy, which is not a given every day. I really should get some exercise in. But every time I think about it, my mind...stops. It runs into this wall, and just says "uh uh." I'm on vacation this week at my honey's house. I had planned to go home yesterday, because he had to go back to work today, but he asked me pretty please with a che... Thu, 3 Jan 2013 15:39:22 EST Long comment turned blog I had originally written this as a response on my BLC chatroom, but it got way long, so I made it a blog instead. <BR> <BR> I am a huge fan of low carb/low glycemic eating. My mom got me started when she started following Atkins for her diabetes, which it controls well (admittedly, she only has mild diabetes). My idea of healthy eating is "Primal" basically. Meats, veggies, fruits, roots, nuts, some legumes, mushrooms, etc. Dairy seems up for debate, but I LOVE milk, so it's going to be ... Sat, 29 Dec 2012 23:09:07 EST Reflections on goals for next year I've had a hard time for almost two years now. I've put my needs off and let myself get physically, emotionally, and psychologically damaged to a significant degree. Things changed around the first of this month, and the improvement in my emotional health was immediate. Psychological, took/is taking a little bit longer. Physical has NOT been a priority. <BR> <BR> Once I started having time to myself again, and no longer had to cope with extreme negativity that had been in my house, I bounc... Wed, 26 Dec 2012 17:53:47 EST Red Team Challenge ITC for week 2 The ITC for the BLC this week is to give the gift of health. They offer a list of ways that you can give health to yourself, or even to someone else, and you get points if you try to meet them. So, below is a list of ways that I am giving myself health, and how, if I did, that I met them. <BR> <BR> 1. The gift of pampering without adding pounds- do something that makes you feel good <BR> Already met, incidentally. Spent the day with my mom Christmas shopping, and laughing, and just having ... Sun, 23 Dec 2012 14:06:14 EST Proactiveness? I was sitting here, and I realized that I felt like I was in stasis, just waiting. Just waiting to get paid so I can do all these things I want to, just waiting for the weight to come off as I plod through eating right and don't get to go out and eat all these new exciting foods. I felt stuck in a rut after, like, one day. <BR> <BR> But so I'm not off buying the rest of my Christmas presents? So I'm not working towards saving, but rather working to pay off debt? So what if I don't get to g... Sun, 9 Dec 2012 14:36:01 EST Day two of good food Food slays me. I've been looking over past blogs from AGES ago, and seeing my ups and downs with food and stress and food and moodiness, and feeling sick and getting back on the wagon, and feeling great, but yielding to temptation. <BR> <BR> I went through this again after last week. Because there was so much going on in my home life, both good and bad, I let my emotional state completely subsume my physical state, and just let be what would be when it came to eating. Thanks goodness I onl... Sun, 9 Dec 2012 14:08:59 EST Past anger... So I took a week off. Both to avoid the situation at home, by escaping to an entirely different state (Oregon, vs. California), and to let myself grieve, and separate myself. <BR> <BR> My love and my family are an incredible blessing to me. When I first moved out, my Grams let me move in with her for a few days, and let my boyfriend stay there too so that he could still visit. Since he lives an hour and a half away, and I needed to be in my hometown to discuss moving Samir out with his fat... Wed, 5 Dec 2012 22:57:06 EST Big changes in my life. Starting over. Starting over. Not so much with health and fitness, which is a given, but with the rest of my life. <BR> <BR> I keep trying to draft this, and I keep finding myself getting angry. Basically, my roommate Samir will be leaving my house, after about a year and a half since his accident. <BR> <BR> Basically, he used me. It sounds harsh, but I gave way too much to him to be healthy, between my time, my money, my care, my peace of mind. And he was never satisfied, always demanding more. I put m... Sun, 2 Dec 2012 01:04:50 EST Exercised this morning I exercised this morning, and it left me feeling pretty good with the endorphin rush. I had a hard, hard, hard time doing it though. I set my alarm for 6:30, but I don't think I got up until almost 7:15. But, eventually I did. Got up, did my morning stuff, ate breakfast (Greek yogurt and huckleberries.) I have been house sitting for my aunt, so had planned to go home and exercise when I took care of my cat. <BR> <BR> But, I locked my keys in the car. In the time it took for mom to come save ... Fri, 19 Oct 2012 18:17:02 EST Chillaxin' One of my challenges this week from BLC was to relax. I was thinking, easier said than done. But then I started remembering, I actually did pretty good on that front. <BR> <BR> First off I went berry picking with my mama, snipping huckleberry twigs off on a sunny day. Then my honey came so we packed up and I spent the rest of Sunday with him. We watched a movie, and I picked huckleberries off the twig. We made homemade macaroni and cheese (yes, I know, bad food and probably part of why I g... Thu, 11 Oct 2012 19:51:44 EST Strength training blog Little bit late for the Red Team Challenge...but I'm gonna count it anyway. Tasked with blogging about strength training and how I have noticed it benefitting me. <BR> <BR> Honestly, I have NEVER strength trained consistantly enough to see benefit. I've never really exercised consistantly enough in anyw ay that it benefitted me, except during sports in school. Mostly if I lose weight it's by diet. <BR> <BR> But, everybody knows, muscle burns fat. And it gives you a better shape. So even ... Thu, 27 Sep 2012 14:50:41 EST BL Interteam Challenge Week 1 Maybe I should have done this first, and then responded with my five goals, which I feel would be more proactive. Anyway. The BL INTERTEAM Challenge is to blog about 5 things that might be holding me back, and one thing to work on this fall. <BR> <BR> 1.) Lack of nutrients, including water. <BR> I'm anemic in two ways, low on Vitamin D, low on one B vitamin or another, and NEVER drink enough water. I don't think water is really generally considered a nutrient, but your body uses it, wholesal... Thu, 6 Sep 2012 20:22:38 EST Red Team Challenge Week 1 Blog I am starting a Biggest Loser challenge, on the red team. Which is neat. It's been a long time since I was on a BL challenge, so hopefully this will do me good. My group last time was great, but I couldn't remember what team I used to be on when I went to sign up for it, though I remembed later. Anyway. Red's gonna be awesome I'm sure. But, back to the first week's Red Team Challenge. I'm go journal or blog about my five goals. <BR> <BR> Here goes. Not terribly exciting, as they are pretty ... Thu, 6 Sep 2012 19:41:31 EST Thinking of myself thin I can't seem to do it. Think of myself as thin. I can picture a body, but no face. It has my hair, my skin tone, body wears my clothes, but I can't put them together. And when I do think of the body, it is too slender for my bone structure, so it's not mine. <BR> <BR> In thinking about it, I think part of the problem is I'm trying to think of myself as awesome. Which is not to say that I can't lose weight, but...awesome? Awesome requires serious dedication. And honestly, I think I have the ... Wed, 5 Sep 2012 22:00:30 EST Sleepy... My cat has gotten into the habit of screaming all night. I hate to lock her up, cuz SOMETHING is making her unhappy, but I can't figure what it is. Clean box, fresh food, fresh water, and as much cuddling as she wants so long as she's QUIET next to me. Still, every night she starts yelling around 2 am, and keeps going until 5ish. Went to bed at 12:30 last night, woke up at 7, so already short sleep, and she woke me up at least 4 times. <BR> <BR> I really don't want to be a slacker and not e... Tue, 4 Sep 2012 20:55:27 EST Eating too little Under 1300 Cal for day 5. I'm always a little bit hungry, so am perpetually fearful that I'll make a stupid mistake. Like eating three cookies today. But, even with that, still about 1300. <BR> <BR> Need to eat more of the good stuff, because I'm feeling deprived. Ate badly today because I went to Aaron's parent's house and they eat in a very carb-laden fashion. Cereal for breakfast, sandwich for lunch, potato and dessert for dinner. Trying to stay under 100 carbs, which is pretty easy an... Tue, 4 Sep 2012 03:09:52 EST Organizational paradigm shift I can't quite decide how to reorganize my time. Samir's live-in caregiver will be leaving at the end of the month. The work is too difficult for long term commitment, which is understandable though unfortunate. Without a live-in, that means I expect, even if I telll myself I won't give up me time, that I'll actually in fact be giving up me time to help out more. <BR> <BR> So...back to needing discipline. But I can't decide how best to organize my time. It makes sense to me to exercise in mo... Sun, 2 Sep 2012 01:29:00 EST Atkinsing My mom has got us both on Atkins. She has bought me most of my food for two weeks of induction. This is an effort to keep us both on track, as we're doing this together. It seems she's doing pretty good, or at least hasn't reported otherwise, and so am I. <BR> <BR> So far I've lost 6 lbs in about 7 days. Of course a portion of this is water weight, as always. My ring was falling off the ring finger on my right hand and I had to move it to the middle finger of my left. <BR> <BR> I feel good... Tue, 3 Jul 2012 20:18:26 EST Biological needs Don't like 'em. My evening has, as usual, escaped me. Spent my time blogging before dinner, then wrote a Facebook note about Native Americans and Obama, and then FB messaged with my dad for 30 min after dinner, since I never pay him enough attention, then talked to Samir on the phone for over an hour (I'm off on business), then talked to my mom for 20. By the time I was done, it was 10:30 and I was tired. Too tired to do much of what I had planned on tonight, which includes a run and working ... Wed, 6 Jun 2012 23:12:59 EST Discipline Okay. Nothing we haven't heard a thousand times on this website, but it's time to start over. I'm getting back up to where I was pre-sparkpeople. I started at 186, having acquired that weight rapidly after leaving collee, super quick rapidly dropped to 174 once I started focusing because my body hated that, plateaued forever, dropped to 164, plateaued forever, worked my way down to 153 then bounced up to 155 and stayed. <BR> <BR> But, after Samir's accident and treating myself like crap beca... Wed, 6 Jun 2012 13:17:24 EST Ick Between milk and chips, I just ate like 1120 Calories. Gross. Guess I'm done eating for the day. <BR> Thu, 19 Jan 2012 19:32:10 EST FAT!!!! I don't like it. It's tasty, but clingy. I want to have my fling with it, and then be done. <BR> <BR> Of course, I keep telling it to go away, and then I keep bringing it back in the house. I can see why it's getting mixed messages. <BR> <BR> I keep saying tomorrow is a new day. Put today behind you. But my syntax keeps getting mixed up or something and today keeps going to my behind :-P <BR> <BR> No real point to this blog other than to say I'm back to my original weight, 175ish. Up from... Sat, 24 Dec 2011 00:39:10 EST Societal impressions of beauty I was just skimming through Yoovie's blogs and ran across one where she posted the following link:<BR>men-and-men-who-make-them.html. I always appreciate her blogs, and the link she posted, while I can't agree with it entirely, certainly served to make me think about some thing. <BR> <BR> The basic premise of the blog is a man, imploring other men, to appreciate the real and natural beauty of the women around them, and to quit verbally validating t... Mon, 7 Nov 2011 20:09:48 EST Trackless Wilderness Yeah, that would be the description of pretty much every aspect of my life that I have the capacity to monitor and manage. I have not been tracking, anything. Not my calories, not my exercise, or fluid intake, not my money. Nothing. And it shows. I'm fat and broke. A truly sad way to be. <BR> <BR> What's got me thinking about it is a.) talking to a new guy, and I need to get cute and b.) Samir is getting rightly concerned about his weight, and I've been trying to teach him the basics of nutr... Sat, 15 Oct 2011 09:25:34 EST Interesting review of myself... I took a break in the afternoon at work today. Am on it now. But went back and reviewed some of my old blogs. <BR> <BR> It's amazing how much time I used to waste, in reflection. My life is in perpetual flux as I try and balance a heavy work load and taking care of Samir. He's moved out on his own, and he's set things up that in a pinch he can survive mostly on his own with his nurses if he has to. He gets 9.4 hours of care from In Home Supportive Services, but obviously that means he stil... Fri, 7 Oct 2011 20:17:42 EST MY journey So, got side tracked with the Samir situation last blog. This one is about me. <BR> <BR> Obviously, if you read my last blog, you know that life has been seriously impacted by Samir coming home. Which is not unexpected. But things are getting into enough of a routine with him, that I could be fitting in time to execise, if it wasn't for my work, which is heinously hardcore right now. Way too many hours, not enough time. Last Tuesday I worked a 22 hour day, and I had to work Saturday as well ... Wed, 15 Jun 2011 23:33:42 EST Wow, been a while. Mostly Samir. I guess it's been almost three months since I last blogged. Unfortunately, personal fitness has not been a big priority for me these days. Luckily I seem to be at a comfortable point for my body, so though I've been fluctuating between the same three pounds, (156-159) I haven't as of yet regained much weight. <BR> <BR> A lot has happened in the last three months. One of the most impactful is that Samir came home. He moved in with his father. It didn't work. They've always had a strained rel... Wed, 15 Jun 2011 13:43:23 EST He speaks! Samir has a voice :) <BR> <BR> Due to the trache he's had in his throat, helping him with his breathing and such, he hasn't had a voice because it blocks his vocal chords. I'm not sure why he needs it anymore, because he's breathing on his own, but...whatever. At this point he's got a sort of valve, or so they call it, that allows air through the vocal chords. <BR> <BR> So, I get a couple of picture messages from his dad, showing that he's eating solid food, which is apparently a new thin... Fri, 25 Mar 2011 01:42:15 EST Sleep deprived again It is again past 11. I'm doing better tonight, because I am done with dinner, exercise, and my shower, which means I finish this blog, let my hair dry a bit more, and I'm to bed. Have to get up a half hour early tomorrow, but that's not too bad. I'm still really tired, was jittery with it this evening, and this won't catch me up, but at least I shouldn't fall too much farther behind. <BR> <BR> Did P90X plyometrics tonight, which should be good calorie burn. Needed it. Went out to prime rib ... Thu, 24 Mar 2011 02:31:02 EST Pushed, but was sissy Totally exhausted today. First off, went to bed late two days ago, due to foolishness. And again yesterday, due to a late start at work, necessitating a late end to work, followed by a good run, followed by a shower, followed by actually feeding myself real food, and thus not getting to bed until almost midnight and having to get up at 5:15 to get to work on time. <BR> <BR> I am not one who does well on less than 7 hours of sleep. At all. <BR> <BR> But, made it. Rehearsed for a presentati... Wed, 23 Mar 2011 02:18:37 EST Drill sergeanted myself Totally had to deliberately tick myself off to go running today, haha. <BR> <BR> The day was icky. Cold and damp. But I knew that I had to do SOMETHING. I was texting with Todd about it, since he said he was gearing up to go to the gym, despite being tired. I was tired too, didn't sleep well, and the thought of dragging myself out to exercise exhausted, in the cold, in the wet, was insupportable. <BR> <BR> Basically I ended up drill sergeanting myself out to the track. Thought about how ... Tue, 22 Mar 2011 01:23:49 EST My restart and more Samir RESTART! Yeah, I went running yesterday to get myself started back en route. Just got home after a long day out and about visiting (it's about 9:30 pm) so debating what I can do to keep the one day "streak" going. Definitely overate today so I need to do something. Todd took me out to a french creperie, which, while delicious, was hardly low cal, haha. A huge part of weight loss is diet, so I need to take that next step again. <BR> <BR> No increased movement for Samir as of yet, though oth... Mon, 21 Mar 2011 01:34:03 EST