TREA241's SparkPeople Blog TREA241's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Manically Spinning Back Into Depression. Help Me :( I have been suffering from depression for about 7 years now. I have been on numerous medications and I have been on Prozac for about 4 years now. I finally got to the right dose for me and I have been doing better. <BR> <BR> However, recently, I have been having money problems. My fiance is supporting me while I try and finish school. I am negative in my bank account. However, I just recently got my refund for my student loan. It was about $3,000. I have never really had that kind of money b... Wed, 19 Sep 2012 12:09:17 EST A&I BSG Poinsettia Week 2 Blog: Dear Santa “DEAR SANTA” – Write a letter to Santa and include what would you like for Christmas. Not exclusive to just gifts; this can be anything you think Santa could help you with if he could. <BR> <BR> Dear Santa- <BR> <BR> I want happiness for Christmas this year. 2011 has not been the easiest for me. Actually, it sucked. I need that happiness in my life. I want to look at a baby and smile and not feel a hallow emptiness inside. I want to feel again, Santa. I want to know that I will be okay. Tha... Tue, 13 Dec 2011 09:35:33 EST A&I BSG Poinsettia Week 1 Blog: December Goals My December Goals: <BR> <BR> - Lose 5 pounds <BR> - Run at least 12 miles a week (Good thing I got a new gym membership!) <BR> - 270 Fitness Minutes per week = 1,080 for the month! <BR> <BR> My main goal this month is to stay accountable to my workouts. I have them all planned out, now I just need to actually do them. There is no excuse this month. They are non-negotiable and written in pen on my calendar! Sun, 4 Dec 2011 10:31:54 EST A&I BSG Autum Leaves Week 4 Blog: Thankful It took me a while to actually sit down and write this blog. I have been having an extremely hard month as many of you know. So, the number one thing I am thankful for is my health and loving family. <BR> <BR> I am only 24 and I have been through quite a bit, but I am thankful that some higher spirit (I apologize if that offends anyone, but I am still on my own spiritual journey) has given me the strength to endure all the evil things the world has sent my way. <BR> <BR> Other things I am ... Mon, 28 Nov 2011 10:00:49 EST A&I BSG Autumn Leaves Week 2 Blog: Holiday Stress Family holidays can be extremely stressful. Talk about how you handle stress and what you do to keep your cool when things get hot. <BR> <BR> My family gatherings revolve around alcohol. That is how it always has been and I have always despised going to to family gatherings. Now that I am older and I also have my BF's family to visit, I can use that as an excuse to not stay. When I was younger, I had to stay because I didn't have anywhere else to go. Now, I can go and be with everyone before... Wed, 9 Nov 2011 10:25:58 EST November Goals I thought it would be a good idea to write (or type) my goals up so that I can look at them every day when I log in!! <BR> <BR> - 1,080 minutes of fitness activity (including strength and running) <BR> - at least 18 miles of running a week <BR> - find a new activity that I can do on my cross training days <BR> - get more calcium!!! <BR> - stay within my calorie range 1,220-1,550 every day <BR> - Lose at least 4 lbs <BR> <BR> Wed, 2 Nov 2011 11:33:39 EST A&I BSG Autumn Leaves Week 1 Blog: Motivation “MOTIVATING ADVICE and TIPS” – I'm sure, at one time or another, we’ve all lost our motivation and gotten off track. What advice would you give for someone who has lost their motivation to workout and/or eat healthy? What did YOU personally do to get yourself back on track? <BR> <BR> My advice would be to take a step back and be truly honest with yourself about WHY you got off track. There have been many times that I have just stopped exercising and eating healthy and it turned out the only ... Tue, 1 Nov 2011 10:19:18 EST A&I BSG Weel 4 Blog: Favorite Quote "You can't build that all important stairway to heaven by just standing around with a hammer." <BR> <BR> - Stephen King <BR> <BR> I was reading one of Stephen King's books when he said this quote about his writing and writing in general. However, I think that it works for just about everything I do in my life. I can't just sit around and expect good things to happen. I can dream, that's for sure, but I can't achieve those dreams if I just wish for them. I need to take those small, attainabl... Tue, 25 Oct 2011 10:23:39 EST A&I BSG Week 3 Challenge: First Day of the Rest of My Life I truly think that you have to believe in yourself in order to change your everyday habits. There have been many times that I said I would start over "today" and I never really did it because I didn't really want to; I didn't have the drive or motivation to change. However, I made the decision a month ago to change my life because I wasn't happy. That was my motivation, that was my deciding moment that I had to do something to make myself happy. No one else can always make me happy. <BR> <BR... Sun, 16 Oct 2011 14:51:05 EST A&I BSG Week 2 Blog: 10 Things I Love About Myself 1. I have a huge heart. <BR> 2. I would take in any animal and take care of them if they needed me. <BR> 3. I am a good listener. <BR> 4. I like my hair (some days :D) <BR> 5. I love my family: faults and all <BR> 6. I do not apologize for my faults. <BR> 7. I give people multiple changes. <BR> 8. I like my smile. <BR> 9. My calves are nice haha. :D <BR> 10. I am aspiring to be a better person every day. Mon, 10 Oct 2011 10:11:13 EST Uh-uh I am feeling down this morning. There is no particular reason. I am just not in the mood to be at work or really do anything today. However, I do want to do a distance run after work just to work off some frustration. <BR> <BR> I guess that is what it is. I am frustrated with where I am in my life. I am in a 2-year Court Reporting program at a local community college and I am going on my 4th year of the program. It is extremely hard, but I have no self-confidence. Once things get hard, I wan... Tue, 4 Oct 2011 10:42:39 EST A&I SPOOK-tacular October Goals My main goal this month is to stick to my fitness schedule. I know how much better I feel after I have gone for a run or done a workout, so I need to eliminate the excuses. <BR> <BR> Here is my weekly schedule: <BR> <BR> Monday: Run and Strength <BR> Tuesday: Run <BR> Wednesday: Run and Strength <BR> Thursday: Run <BR> Friday: Yoga/ Rest <BR> Saturday: Long Run <BR> Sunday: Bike Ride <BR> <BR> If I can stick to this schedule for a month, at least 30 minutes, a day. I know that I will becom... Sat, 1 Oct 2011 10:50:02 EST Day 3: Mental Fatigue QUOTE OF THE DAY: <BR> <BR> Fatigue makes cowards of us all. <BR> Vince Lombardi <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I am feeling quite a bit of mental and physical fatigue today. However, my instinct is to quit, I know that I have the ability to keep going. I believe that when you are most exhausted is when you truly learn how much more you really can do! <BR> <BR> WEIGHT-LOSS TOPIC OF THE DAY: STRENGTH TRAINING <BR> <BR> I despise s... Wed, 24 Aug 2011 11:02:40 EST Day 2: The Storm So- a severe thunderstorm threw a wrench into my 100 days of blogging! We lost power for most of the night and by the time it came back on, I was already fast asleep! But, since that was mother nature, I am not going to let it derail me! I will just make 2 blog entries today!!! <BR> <BR> QUOTE OF THE DAY: <BR> <BR> “In our lives there is bound to come some pain, surely as there are storms and falling rain; just believe that the one who holds the storms will bring the sun.” <BR> <BR> <img ... Wed, 24 Aug 2011 10:47:34 EST Day 1: The Beginning! This is the first day of my self-challenge to blog for 100 days straight. It is going to be fun! <BR> <BR> QUOTE OF THE DAY: <BR> <BR> "There are risks and costs to a program of action, but they are far less than the long-range risks and costs of comfortable inaction." -John F. Kennedy <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I have come to realize that I am hurting myself more and more each day with my inactivity. Not just not exercise and no... Mon, 22 Aug 2011 10:51:59 EST 100 Days of Blogging (Thank you, AMYBELLES :D) Inspiration from AMYBELLES, I am going to set myself a goal of blogging for 100 days straight. It is not just going to be me ranting, but 6 different categories that I have copied from AMYBELLES and also some that I have made up myself. This will be a test of my commitment to getting healthy and losing the weight. I am working on my accountability. I certainly haven't been in the past, but I am working toward it in the future. <BR> <BR> Categories: <BR> <BR> 1. Quote of the Day <BR> 2. Wei... Mon, 22 Aug 2011 10:19:18 EST Step by step I read a quote today that really resonated with me. <em>224</em> <BR> <BR> <BR> "We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." <BR> <BR> It is amazingly true how much work goes into being miserable. It sucks up all the energy you could be using to accomplish other things. Last night as I was watching Robin Hood with my wonderful boyfriend, I realized that I do have many goals in my life that I want to achieve. I am about to turn 24 (I k... Tue, 16 Aug 2011 10:31:19 EST 50 pounds is extremely daunting... Seeing my weight tracker and the fact that I need to lose 50 pounds is extremely daunting. However, it is motivating at the same time. I am a "need results now" type of person and that is something that I need to work on. <BR> <BR> I have not been on Spark in months and I can name every excuse in the world, but the truth is that I have been lazy. I have not been good to myself. I can say that I am ready to change, and I truly am, but I also give in to the temptations to quit. I need to quit ... Sat, 13 Aug 2011 12:47:08 EST Half Marathon Training So, I am now striving to run a half marathon (the Madison Mini-Marathon) on August 20th. I have been training for a little while, but I haven't been very strict and regimented. However, I think that if I am ever going to be able to run 13.1 miles and not stop that I am going to have to actually stick to my training schedule. I was hoping that my dear Spark friend could help me hold accountable to this training schedule. This is what is planned for the coming week. <BR> <BR> Monday, May 16th:... Mon, 16 May 2011 18:25:35 EST When Friends Attack I was recently told that my so called "best friend" was saying snide/nasty comments about my weight gain. She commented that it must be really hard for me to watch her lose so much weight while I am gaining so much weight. <BR> <BR> 1. She stole appetite suppressant pills from where she works as a pharmacy tech in order to lose weight. <BR> 2. She takes a pill whenever she gets hungry. <BR> 3. She is starving herself. <BR> 4. A true friend does not comment on ones weight gain as it is a bad ... Fri, 1 Apr 2011 15:14:02 EST When Weight Loss Becomes an Obsession I think that my weight loss journey is completely taking over my life and slowly turning into an obsession. I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore because I completely despise what I see in the mirror. I compare myself to almost every person I see: my friends, people on tv, random people on the street. <BR> <BR> I am starting to think that it is not healthy how much I think and obsess over my weight and my appearance. I know that eating right and exercise is the way to go, but at the ... Sun, 6 Mar 2011 11:42:09 EST Turbofire- Acutally DAY 1- I HAVE ENERGY! So, I decided to stop the 5-day Inferno for the Turbofire program. I could feel my perfectionism starting to kick in. If I didn't follow a day exactly as it was planned out, I would derail and just eat whatever I wanted. As much as I like pre-planned menus, I know what I like and don't like and I know the types of nutrition I need. <BR> <BR> Figuring that out last night, I decided to just go ahead and actually start the program as it was intended. So today was my first day with Turbofire! I ... Thu, 24 Feb 2011 12:34:25 EST TurboFire Day 2- On Fire! Well, today was my second day of my TurboFire workouts. It was pretty difficult, but I started to catch on toward the end. I feel like I need to put a sticker on my leg so I know which side I have already worked out! <BR> <BR> Chalene Johnson is extremely motivating. I have bought other Beachbody workouts and this is by far my favorite at the moment. I also have P90X and Insanity. I feel like after Turbofire I may be at the fitness level to attempt those workouts, but right now, I am having ... Tue, 22 Feb 2011 19:02:08 EST Lost on this winding road... It's a vicious cycle... weight loss that is. I am back at 190. My heaviest. It is disappointing to be at this weight and have none of my clothes fit. I had to go buy new jeans today. It is depressing. <BR> <BR> I know, I am having a pity party. But, I am disappointed in myself. I know that I can work hard than I have been, but I keep making excuses. I think I am the excuse queen. Debbie Downer for sure! <BR> <BR> I got TurboFire today because I watched the infomercial at least 30 times and... Thu, 17 Feb 2011 13:06:27 EST Frustrating Workout Today I was up bright and early today (well 9 am is early for me <em>20</em> ) but anyway I got on the treadmill and started out pretty good. I am a little rusty because I haven't actually worked out in a while. I was planning on getting in a good 4 miles today. After mile 1, my body was completely resisting the workout. I felt extremely tired and my heart was beating rapidly. I had to stop which frustrated me even more. <BR> <BR> I know that I had to listen to my body which was telling me to st... Fri, 17 Dec 2010 10:27:55 EST Random Word Mondays I have decided to get back to my poem writing. I use a random word generator to find 10 words, then write a poem using those words. Let me know what you think! <BR> <BR> 1. middlebrow <BR> 2. motorcycle <BR> 3. technician <BR> 4. mythologer <BR> 5. nudibranch (a shell-less marine snail having external respiratory appendages) <BR> 6. jabberwocky (playful imitation of language consisting of invented, meaningless words; gibberish) <BR> 7. rottweiler <BR> 8. bedazzle <BR> 9. pawnbroker <BR> 10. ... Mon, 20 Sep 2010 11:13:48 EST Getting Sexified- Day 9 (I hate dress shopping!) Oh I have totally have a case of the Mondays and yet I was out of bed at 7:30 and off to the gym by 8. I have decided that I am going to do Insanity every other day and get some type of other activity in on the opposite days. Insanity is pretty intense and my knees can't take all the jumping around every single day. I am learning to listen to my body and I think toning down the intense workouts, but still moving is the direction I need to go. <BR> <BR> Yesterday I had to go dress shopping. M... Mon, 20 Sep 2010 10:23:32 EST Back to Getting Sexified with Insanity- Day 1 & 2 <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <BR> Well- that's me after my second day of Insanity! I didn't think I would be able to get through it considering the first day really kicked my butt. But, I knew that I had to. I knew that the only way I am going to get the body I am longing for is to put in the sweat and hard work. There are no magic pills that are going to make me lose the weight. I have to have enough faith in myself to get through this. I kn... Mon, 13 Sep 2010 15:39:20 EST Getting Sexified with Insanity- Day 3 Holy smokes Batman!! Insanity is.... well, insane! I just did the Fit Test today. This is basically to test where you are at. You take the test every 15 days. Now, this isn't just like do a crunch and then a push-up. These are some crazy moves. I did the first move and I wad already dying! <BR> <BR> I LOVE IT! If the fit test is a challenge, I know that Insanity is going to work. I know that it is going to at least give me a challenge and change my body in the process. The infomercial even m... Mon, 21 Jun 2010 19:26:28 EST Getting Sexified with Insanity: Day 2 I am feeling a whole lot better today! It is amazing how different you actually feel when you change your diet. For lunch today, I had some chicken, rice, and a small salad. It filled me up more than my usual pizza and breadsticks. Well, it filled me up in a different way. I feel more satisfied that I actually put healthy food into my body rather than processed and fattening food. <BR> <BR> I am also actually looking forward to my workout later. If I wasn't at work until 9, I would be outsid... Sun, 20 Jun 2010 13:42:21 EST Back to Getting Sexified with Insanity: Day 1 Hey Hey! I can't believe it has almost been two months since I have logged on. I have missed my Spark friends and family, but I was taking some much needed "me" time to work on my mental and emotional states. <BR> <BR> But, I feel that I am in a place now to get back to my weight loss and getting sexified! In 58 days, I am heading to Las Vegas with my best friend in the entire world. I want to be thinner, lighter, and more confident when I step on that plane. I want to be able to have fun an... Sat, 19 Jun 2010 20:36:02 EST Sexified Update Hey everyone- <BR> <BR> I have been extremely under the weather lately. I am lethargic, massive headache, really bad nausea, and stomach aches. I have just been trying to rest because I believe my body is telling me to slow down a little bit. (I don't sleep too much.) <BR> <BR> So, I am going to focus on finishing this semester and then I will get back to getting sexified! I just need a little rest and relaxation! Thu, 29 Apr 2010 12:24:17 EST Day 6, 7, and 8- Getting Sexified Day 6- Horrible Horrible nutrition day, but I talked to my boyfriend and he promised that we would go to the grocery store and get some better food. (He eats absolute crap!! <BR> <BR> Day 7- We headed to the grocery store and we each had our separate lists. I got the things that I had planned out for the week and he got what he wanted. Then we gave each other separate cabinets in the kitchen so I know what is mine and he knows what is his. I know that is temptation for me, but he promised to... Thu, 22 Apr 2010 20:09:05 EST Day 4 and Day 5- Getting Sexified I didn't have a great weekend, nutrition-wise, but I am actually okay with that. I spent the weekend with my family and there is not a better place to be. They make me laugh and that is what I needed at this time in my life, so I am just going to let go of the fact that I didn't eat healthy all weekend and get back on track on this gorgeous Monday! <BR> <BR> I have a presentation to give on disabilities this afternoon, so I am looking forward to that (even though I have extreme stage fright)... Mon, 19 Apr 2010 12:52:34 EST Day 2 and Day 3- Getting Sexified I have never felt better! Getting sexified has me ready and raring to go! I did Jillian Michael's yesterday. Man, she kicked my butt! I did Level 1 thinking that it was going to be easy, NO WAY! I will be doing level 1 for a while before I have the strength to move on! Then I headed to the gym and ran 2 miles. I felt SO good. <BR> <BR> Today is my workout rest day, but I still did good with my nutrition and got in PLENTY of water. I sat on my exercise ball while I was watching TV, so that wa... Fri, 16 Apr 2010 22:28:18 EST Day 1- Getting Sexified RUN2MYDREAMS has really inspired me to get back to my blogging and get serious about getting a healthy lifestyle. (Thanks Girl!) So today is my first day of what I am going to call "Getting Sexified!" Sexy to me is not just physical. I think confidence is sexy and that I truly what I am going for. Lately, when I get home from work (I work third shift) I eat whatever we have in the cupoboards, read a book, sleep for 3 hours, get up, go to school, come home, eat whatever I can find, and then go... Wed, 14 Apr 2010 15:53:48 EST Down and Out Ever since my 10k, I haven't been on the right track. I have let the trivial things take a hold of my life and get me down. I have gained a few pounds back and just feel lethargic and unenergetic all the time. I was about ready to give up on Sparking altogether because I just felt like I was letting myself and every one of my Spark Family down. But then I read this article:<BR>ring_cleaning_your_life <BR> <BR> It makes a lot of sense to actually tak... Sun, 28 Mar 2010 07:13:23 EST I am a runner. Starting line: <BR> <BR> Thoughts: "Oh god. Am I really going to do this? I think I have to pee. Am I stretched enough? Oh he is cute. Ok, I will be fine. I just need to finish. It doesn't matter the time. Ok, they are starting. Here goes nothing." <BR> <BR> Mile 1: "A hill?! A hill? A BIG HILL?! No one said there would be hills. I guess I never looked at the course. Ok, I can run up a hill. (Half way up the hill)- IT JUST KEEPS GOING! Man, all these people are passing me. They must be pre... Sun, 14 Mar 2010 13:05:31 EST Getting Pretty Nervous! I am going to run my first 10k on Sunday here in Madison. I am actually really nervous because I have never actually ran 6.3 miles before. The most I have done is about 5.5. I have talked to a lot of marathon runners and they say that you will finish on pure adrenaline or just because you are so close to the finish line. I guess I am just afraid of like if my clothes are uncomfortable, I get a blister, I have to pee.... As you can tell, I'm a worrier. <BR> <BR> Also, I haven't had the greate... Fri, 12 Mar 2010 00:45:40 EST 5 Motivators to Be Healthy 1. Family- I have an amazing family, but they all have some sort of addiction, an unhealthy addiction. I stay away from those hazards, but at the same time, my family motivating me to be a healthier person. They are showing me what not to do. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> 2. Self-confidence- I have never been able to look at myself and say something nice or positive. It is not just my physical appearance, but I truly believed for a long... Mon, 1 Mar 2010 01:19:50 EST Offended By Remark I don't think this person meant to be malicious in anyway, but on the previous blog that I had written, someone commented that I should stop being so "friend hungry." I was extremely offended by this comment. <BR> <BR> I have trust issues because of certain things that have happened in my past. I struggle every single day with the fact that something horrific happened to me when I was 9 years old and I think that having trust issues does not in any way shape or form = being friend hungry. Y... Sat, 27 Feb 2010 22:25:28 EST Friendships So I need to vent. I have this friend, we will call her Jane. Jane and I haven't been friends for long, but we got close, fast. We understand each other on the level that friends should. Well, we ran into each other at the gym and she asked if I wanted to come out with some of her friends on Thursday (yesterday!) My boyfriend was leaving for the weekend, I didn't have to work, and I figured why not! I told her to text me when she was leaving and I would meet her out. <BR> <BR> Well, I waite... Fri, 26 Feb 2010 17:39:19 EST Being Proud of Progress So, I have been feeling down lately. Just part of the depression, but I have still been trying to keep up with my eating and exercising. I realized yesterday after working out for 60 minutes and burning over 800 calories that I have already come a long way. I started out at 190 pounds and I am now down to 170. I should be proud of those 20 lbs that I have lost and not be so hard on myself when I do indulge in that cookie or some doritos. <BR> <BR> I know that I have the capacity, hard will, ... Wed, 24 Feb 2010 18:43:08 EST Taking Some Positive Steps Forward I have been kind of a downer lately. I know that I am just going through a grieving process, plus I just started my anti-depressants again after a couple months and that never makes me feel good. <BR> <BR> But, I did sign up for my first 10k today. It is the Shamrock Shuffle here in Madison, WI on March 14th. The training has been good for me. Not just the exercise, but keeping a steady schedule has helped me look forward to something. I am really excited for this race. My boyfriend doesn't... Tue, 9 Feb 2010 22:47:29 EST Death of a Close Friend I found out yesterday that a very close and dear friend of my family passed away. She was only 37 and had brain cancer. At these points in my life, I ask why? It really isn't fair that people who truly love their lives are diagnosed with cancer and taken at such an early age. <BR> <BR> It made me realize that things in my life are not that bad. I have a good life and I aspire to make it better. I have an abled body to do the things that I wish to do. I should utilize that. I need to remember... Wed, 3 Feb 2010 19:38:37 EST Time to Re-Motivate I got this idea from the ladies on the 50-pound challenge team. I thought it might be a good idea to see what I come up with when I answer these questions... <BR> <BR> <BR> 1. Write all the things you love about yourself (these reasons should apply at your current weight or at your goal weight) And you know what, if you have trouble bragging about yourself, just ask us Spark buddies and we will tell you some of the things we love about you! <BR> <BR> Hm..... this is hard for me. Everythin... Sun, 31 Jan 2010 11:30:12 EST Chapter 2- Focus (The Spark) The second chapter of The Spark really resonated with me after I read it. Someone once told me that the two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why. It really got me thinking about what my purpose is in life and also my deep values. <BR> <BR> These were the questions Chris asked: <BR> <BR> What truly drives you? <BR> <BR> Is there a clash between what you really believe and what you're trying to accomplish? <BR> <BR> Are you working each day... Mon, 25 Jan 2010 14:04:54 EST EA Active- 30 Day Challenge My boyfriend bought me the EA Active two days ago. I started it yesterday and decided to do the 30 Day Challenge that they offer. So far, I absolutely love it! In general, I hate strength training. My ADD is too bad to actually go to the gym and take the time out to work out each muscles of my body. The good thing about the EA Active is it tells me what to do! I don't have to plan what I need to workout, I am just going to follow the program and see what it says! <BR> <BR> Today, I did some ... Sat, 23 Jan 2010 21:54:41 EST + 5 pounds! What?!?!?! I went to the gym today, feeling good that I actually got my butt there, but when I stepped on the scale, it had said I gained 5 pounds! 5 pounds!!! I knew that I had at least gained 1 or 2 because I had not been working out and really was not doing well with my eating plan. But 5 pounds?! I am not sure if that is right, but I have to be accountable to myself and say that I now weigh 173 and not 168 like I thought. That is the scale that I always use, so I suppose I will just stick to it. <BR... Thu, 21 Jan 2010 15:57:36 EST Sleep Deprived I don't even have an excuse as to why I have not been sleeping. I get home from work at 9:00 in the morning and then I lay down, but I never actually fall into a deep sleep. Rather, a thrash around and have crazy dreams. Now these are not pleasant dreams, but rather horrific nightmares that get me all up in a bundle. I wake up sweating and terrified that my nightmare actually happened. <BR> <BR> This is new. I have always been a good sleeper, ever since I was a baby (as my mom tells me! So m... Mon, 18 Jan 2010 23:19:08 EST