TLEVENTER's SparkPeople Blog

Finding Motivation in the oddest places

Fri, 8 Mar 2013 11:24:06 EST

I'll be the first to admit that my motivation comes and goes. It's a large part of why I've been stuck in this 180-185 range for over a year. Intellectually, I know what to do. But then I slip... and a small slip becomes a "why not"... and a "why not" becomes "who cares" and the cycle starts all over.

I see myself differently in my mind's eye than what is shown to me in mirrors and pictures. I have for quite a few years. I know I'm getting older and I can't fight that. But ...

Next up... March

Fri, 1 Mar 2013 11:24:34 EST

February wasn't bad, for February. The weather sucked... but we were able to get Shirley over to Jen's a couple times and she's progressing beautifully. Spider was hurt... but the vet liked her progress. I lost 2 pounds through the month... not great, but I'll certainly take the loss! I started my online Equine Nutrition course and though I'm a week behind, it's going wonderfully. I haven't been using my "Good Things" jar at home as much as I should be... but going to make an effort to re...

The Perks of Being A Wallflower

Mon, 18 Feb 2013 12:33:27 EST

Rented this movie this weekend -- it was cheaper than driving to town and going to a movie. It was good. I enjoyed it and thought the cast was quite good, especially Emma Watson. This morning, I find myself remembering a line from it -- "We settle for the love we think we deserve." I think I understand what it means, but at the moment I'm having trouble figuring out how it applies. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe it does and my brain is just to frazzled to understand... or my heart to hurt to p...

How to deal with a wedding??

Wed, 6 Feb 2013 10:27:26 EST

The blog title? Yeah.. it's a real question that I don't have the answer for.

Had a rough night last night. Talking to a very good friend online. We’ve grown apart in the last few years, but still good friends. She lives 2 hrs from me. Things are going great for her and I’m really really happy about that. She deserves it. Over the holidays, her BF proposed. They’ve decided to rush the actual wedding by doing a very small (family and close friends only) ceremony on March 16t...

Playing Games

Mon, 4 Feb 2013 21:34:03 EST

Just a blog post to add some points to the Board Games Week challenge:

Battleship:
CI 1586
Base 1565
CO 439

334

Scrabble:
Had a good ride on Noble tonight and Spi is looking pretty good. Got her out and lunged her a bit before changing the wrap on her foot. Hopefully it will all work itself out.

Had a rough weekend. Old memories. 2 years now since all hell arrived at my doorstep... or rather, hell moved in when h...

No Spend January – Week 4 and Final Results & Lessons

Thu, 31 Jan 2013 16:06:54 EST

Week 4 spending included:
Snacks/Dining Out -- $7.20
Gas - $88.82
Groceries – $37.46
Personal/Health/Entertainment -- $2.13

Total spent = $135.61

Yeah, that’s a “little” over the $40 I had to spend this week… even with the added $2 I “found”. I know. Obviously through this whole exercise, I WAY underestimated what I needed for gas. If I take the gas cost out of the equation completely, it’s a little better at a total of $46.79… which then only puts...

Week 3 recap - No Spend January

Tue, 22 Jan 2013 10:01:45 EST

Amount started: $40.85

Spent: $39.82*

$0.45 on another stamp (which in the end I didn’t need as they had included a prepaid envelope… oops)
$1.25 on snacks/drink at work
$3.65 on Starbucks
$34.47 on groceries at Kroger

Week end total: + $1.03*

The week didn’t go too hateful. I said no to 2 requests for going out to eat. Both were just “hey, do you wanna…” spur of the moment kinds of things. Thanks but I’m really trying to do this. ...

No Spend January - Week 2 Recap

Tue, 15 Jan 2013 12:09:46 EST

Amount started: $50.39

Spent:
$0.45 – stamp for a letter
$42.11 – gas
$6.98 – food

“leftover”: $0.85

This week was a challenge, mostly in terms of gas money. I ended up finding some money in a pocket and I did add that to the gas I put in on Saturday as I headed to a meeting on the other side of town (expenses for the meeting were not to be included in No Spend... an additional $27.89 in gas). As a result I start Week 3 with just shy of ½ tank...

No Spend January – Week 1 Recap:

Tue, 8 Jan 2013 11:09:00 EST

Overall, I think the week went well. There are a couple things I could have done better and a couple issues I see on the horizon that may cause a problem. Here’s the recap of the week.

Overall, I spent $30.42. $16.17 was on groceries – bananas, 2 cans of pumpkin that were on sale (25 cents each), orange juice, cheese, frozen strawberries (on sale, used for my morning smoothies), and 2 pie crusts that I plan to use to make quiche in the next couple days (something that uses the e...

No Spend January

Wed, 2 Jan 2013 14:03:12 EST

It's a new year. I'm doing pretty well on my budgetting and paying off my debts (Dave Ramsey's Baby Step #2). I have 4 non-mortgage debts left:

* My parents. They loaned me some money a long time ago to help consolidate bills but before I finished paying them off, they re-loaned me some money to help make the downpayment on the farm. Technically I guess this is mortgage debt, but I'm not treating it like that. This also the smallest balance... so it's the next to go. However,...

12-12-12

Wed, 12 Dec 2012 11:33:32 EST

for Tuesday:
CI: 2001 (yucky late snacks... should have just gone to bed)
BMR: 1565
CO: 208 -- walked 2 miles at work plus 15 wall pushups in the AM

Total: +228

I know exactly what I need to work on... staying busy and NOT snacking!

In other news, somehow despite the icky food choices, I lose weight this week. Less than a pound, but a loss is a loss and I'll take it. Makes me wonder how much I could lose if I kept up the consistent exercise AN...

New Week

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 14:02:32 EST

CICO for Monday:
CI: 2024
BMR: 1565
CO: 188 – 2 miles of walking at work
Total: +271

I was only 100 calories over my range after dinner – which BTW was delicious! Emotional/boredom eating reared up at night. I had actually thought “I need to make some tea”… and instead ended up munching on essentially peanut butter chocolate rice krispies. When I get home, the remaining rice krispies are going in the trash. Have I mentioned I have an issue with “wasting” fo...

Impending Changes?

Fri, 7 Dec 2012 09:52:51 EST

CICO for yesterday:
CI: 1605
BMR: 1565
CO: 92
Total: -52

Didn't get much intentional exercise in yesterday. Did a mile walk at lunch but that was it. Ended up doing some house cleaning when I got home, but I didn't count that. At least the day wasn't AS horrible as it could have been... although looking at WHAT I ate, even if the calories didn't go completely overboard, the content was less than desireable. (donut holes? really?? Did I HAVE to eat them jus...

End of BLC

Thu, 6 Dec 2012 13:59:01 EST

First, I tried to do this last night but my laptop wouldn't let me in to make the post:

For Wed:
CI - 1838
BMR - 1565
CO - 534 (a mile walk at lunch and riding 2 horses)
Total: -261

BLC has ended. I am not thrilled with my results. I feel like I'm constantly making excuses. I tried Advocare during this round. The 24 day challenge would have ended 3 days before the end of BLC. Perfect timing right? Well, I stopped early with a HORRIBLE case of hi...

1/3 done

Tue, 9 Oct 2012 12:02:56 EST

Seems that some of my BLC beginning resolutions and plans have stuck... and some... not so much. Blogging hasn't happened. And I feel most of the time like I've barely been keeping up with my team. Thankfully the weight has been coming off for the most part so I guess I'm not a complete failure. 211

Been keeping busy. Jen is still letting me work with Noble and between Anita and I, we're having a lot of fun and he's improving by leaps and bounds! He did well at hi...

BLC 20 Beginning

Tue, 11 Sep 2012 22:09:50 EST

BLC 20 starts tomorrow. I'm once again a Warrior. It's a good team. I was tasked to come up with some "out of my comfort zone" commitments for this round. Decided it was time to update my blog anyway so here they are. And considering one of them is to keep my blog updated, it makes sense too.

Today I saw a Jillian Michaels video online. She was asked what makes a difference in motivation. It came down to figuring out WHY you want this and to keep that in mind. I think that ...

A Foggy Update

Tue, 12 Jun 2012 15:34:24 EST

I’ve been wanting to blog an update to my life for a few days now… maybe a week. In some ways things are clearer. In others, they’re just as foggy as ever. It’s hard to write out exactly where I am and describe it when it feels utterly indescribable most of the time. Then of course there’s the part that doesn’t WANT to describe it because I don’t particularly like it.

Almost 2 weeks ago I emailed both Thom & Chris, separately. As described, the emails weren’t “rainbows and uni...

Bad night

Thu, 31 May 2012 22:12:48 EST

Bad night. Started out ok, but after Jen left (taking Map, one of the horses, to florida) I logged onto FB and immediately it felt like all the air was taken out of my world. I can't imagine cutting off FB... cutting myself off from people even more than I physically am at the farm. But at the same time I'm beginning to loathe it. And no, I can't block Thom and Chris because I wouldn't know ANYTHING that's going on with the kids. Maybe that's an excuse... I dunno.

What did I s...

Just to get it out

Mon, 14 May 2012 12:24:22 EST

fair warning -- this blog has to do with Thom.

"for my dear, powerful wife..." That's how a recent FB link (to an article that really is relevant to her) started. Like being hit with a sledgehammer. The same one that wants to pound back with "oh, you mean the wife who isn't sure she wants you in her life?... the one that isn't sure she wants to live with you or be with you or even loves you anymore?... the one who I think is using you like a security blanket that she intends to...

Not a Positive

Tue, 1 May 2012 15:58:21 EST

So just yesterday I blogged my plan for the next few weeks (and beyond) and one of the goals was to Stay Positive. yeah... if you're expecting that right now... you may want to skip this entry.

After talking about it last spring. After hemming and hawing for months. Back in February, after the last big conversation with Thom, I finally made an appointment with a counselor. I logged onto my insurance website (BCBS), got all logged in with my plan number, and found an in-network ...

The Big Plan

Mon, 30 Apr 2012 12:53:32 EST

Goals for BLC 19

Fact is that I know what I should be doing to lose the weight, but I let life get in the way. I let procrastination get in the way. I let “well, I messed that up so I’m not going to do anything anymore today” get in the way. Life is what it is and it sure as H#LL isn’t perfect. It’s not what I wanted it to be right now. And even when things are good, there are still things that pop up that I let ruin a streak and break a newly forming habit so those good habit...

because its the only place I can vent

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 18:42:38 EST

... plus... I can keep a record of this for my next counseling appointment. This is "good stuff"...

Got home late. Was on auto pilot and forgot I was going to stop by Jen's barn and chat as well as pick up some hay for the boys. Oh well. Still debating on the audition tomorrow so maybe I'll do it then. Quickly looked at FB and saw Thom's update from an hour ago:

Going to the Dublin Pub for dinner at 6 if anyone is looking for something to do tonight.

UGH!...

How to smile

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 14:17:38 EST

1. Find out that one of your teen crush bands is playing locally this summer.

2. Buy 2 "lawn" tickets

3. Send email to 11yo step daughter that you got hooked on the band when she was 6. Email should contain a picture of the ticket and ask if she would help you use them.

4. See reaction...

Followed by....

I honestly don't know. It hurt when Thom liked an update after our last talk (when he said there was no maybe,someday for us anymore... that he was choosing Chris to the exclusion of everything else, no matter what he f...

Productive!

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 14:12:09 EST

So yesterday's plans were...
Tonight -- clean my kitchen and mud room, take the dog for a walk around the pasture (if not raining when I get home), FINISH TAXES!! (I'm so close, but for some reason haven't finished), do some stretches/yoga, finish Catching Fire, get to bed before 11

I feel really good about yesterday.

Stopped by Walmart on the way home to pick up a couple things, including a foam roller (hoping to help some body parts iwth it) and a pedometer (wh...

Plans

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 15:05:22 EST

Upcoming plans:

Tonight -- clean my kitchen and mud room, take the dog for a walk around the pasture (if not raining when I get home), FINISH TAXES!! (I'm so close, but for some reason haven't finished), do some stretches/yoga, finish Catching Fire, get to bed before 11

Friday -- work (duh), clean up the barn a little, figure out what I need to do the fencing for the new boarders, relax and maybe watch a Vudu movie, start MockingJay, get to bed by 10

Saturday...

Just for Now

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 10:08:44 EST

Part of my homework from my last session was to come up with 2 lists: Needs and "Just for Now". The needs list was definitely the hardest. The only thing I could come up with was "I need to matter"... because it's been a while since I felt like I have. I can pull a lot of examples, going all the way back in my life, where this has been, as she put it, a running theme.

As for the Just for Now list, she liked what I had written and wants me to focus on them:

1- Continu...

Back Home

Sun, 11 Mar 2012 10:37:40 EST

It was a good trip. Mom was excited and dad was happy. Seems before I got there, mom wasn't as active as she probably should be. Hopefully she'll keep moving, as she needs to. I think it helped to have all the staples out of her belly (which she got removed on Thursday).

I wish I hadn't checked my luggage yesterday. It was a FULL flight, I was in one of the last zones to board again (even though I was in the back of the plane), and they offered to check them for no fee. There...

Florida Thoughts

Thu, 8 Mar 2012 23:26:29 EST

Today was an ok day. Didn't do much of anything this morning, but mom had a doc appointment in Ocala this afternoon, so I hit the pool. Pretty proud of myself for being at the pool about 2.5 hours and ONLY got a bit of color. No really... this is REALLY good for me because I burn REALLY easily. And parts of me that were exposed today haven't seen the sun in a REALLY long time. I was not only the youngest at the pool (remember this is a retirement community) but definitely the palest too!...

Welcome to sunny Florida

Wed, 7 Mar 2012 21:57:19 EST

Well, I made it. The flight down was uneventful... although I didn't like getting up at 4:30 in the morning. The surprise on mom was perfect. She had no idea til she and dad drove up to the shuttle area to pick me up.

Since then... a bit of this, a bit of that. Went to a movie yesterday afternoon -- Act of Valor. Incredible movie and I highly recommend it. A bit of a Blackhawk Down feeling to it, but really liked it.

Today I got up at a reasonable hour to take a ru...

How to get up

Sun, 4 Mar 2012 00:32:25 EST

I would love for this blog to be a how to... an inspirational story of fighting adversity and bouncing back against struggle.

It's not.

Instead, it's full of question and self-doubt. I don't know how to get up again. Go on... I can do. But going on isn't the same as getting up again, just as surviving isn't the same as living.

I still miss my husband. I don't know how to not miss him. I don't know how to want to not miss him... unless of course I don't ...

Homework

Fri, 2 Mar 2012 20:45:32 EST

I haven't even started my homework. Well, maybe that's not true. I've been avoiding doing my homework. I think about it... but not really, ya know?

1) come up with a "for now" plan. Much better than just "come up with a plan" because that's what I've been trying to do and it hasn't worked. It is so overwhelming and hasn't gotten me anywhere. "For now"? Maybe that's doable. What am I going to do, for now, to take care of me? If nothing else, it's a good question.

Leap Day/Hump Day update

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 10:03:40 EST

Somehow my body (and the scale) cooperated despite my best efforts at emotional eating weight gain... I dropped 1.5# at home (what I consider "real") and .75# at work. when I got on the Wii at home, I actually closed my eyes as the weight was revealed (you know... when the line climbs up the BMI scale and the Mi grows fat). When it still said "that's overweight" instead of "that's obese" I finally opened my eyes. I was right on the line so what it said gave me a clue. HUGE sigh of relief....

brain dump

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 14:00:32 EST

Been staring at this screen for a while now... not sure what to write, but wanting to write something. I feel like a bottle of coke that someone has shaken... all jittery and anxious that something big is going to happen (or wanting something to happen) and yet not knowing which way to explode. I know... horrible analogy. I tried.

People often, in passing sometimes, just ask "hey, what's up?" I usualyl just say "not much". But in truth... a lot and nothing all at the same time...

I'm Still Hurting (or again... or something)

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 13:05:54 EST

Not going to blog specifics... it's TMI. Which I know, from what I've blogged over the last year, that sounds a little weird. But I also know this blog isn't secured to just SparkPeople because I like feedback from other sparkers that I haven't yet friended. I like friending new people but I guess this is my way of saying "this is me... like it or not" and then letting them choose. but the details of what happened yesterday need to stay at least a little private. So... what can I say? W...

Busy Weekend

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 10:34:41 EST

Probably a good thing, right? I think it was. I didn't eat very well, but I think I more than made up for it in the exercise department.

Friday evening I stopped by my old barn to drop off a couple dozen eggs and chat with Jen about what's going on. it was good, except that it meant going home late and having nothign planned for dinner, i hit Cassano's and picked up a small pizza and cheesy garlic bread ont he way home. Funny... it wasn't even all that great. Jen had informe...

Moving On

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 15:41:23 EST

I was tempted to title this post "Letting Go" but I'm really not there yet. I'm not even sure I'm "Moving On" yet, but I think I'm closer to that than the other.

Thom and the kids came over last night. I asked to sit down and talk and knew he had the kids, so I offered dinner. After all, I have a freezer full of beef. So Thom cooked the steaks. After dinner we talked. If I'm honest, while I knew what I wanted to happen (him to hug me, maybe give one of his smiles and tell me ...

pain

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 21:47:10 EST

so I already blogged about what tonight means to me.

Just a couple minutes ago, I was on facebook and saw a status update from Thom. He stopped using FB almost 2 years ago. It was just TMI and the possibility of people making connections that none of us wanted to be made... among other things. So he's back on FB. Some comment about "after therapeutic intervention". Who knows what that means. But what really hit me... a ton of bricks... a stomp on my heart... he still lists ...

Date Geek strikes again

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 14:56:33 EST

Almost as bad as that jerk Murphy.

I remember dates. Not historically important ones... just ones that mark milestones for me. Tonight is a biggie and it definitely has me down. 5 years ago tonight, Thom asked me to marry him. Said he couldn't imagine life's adventures without me. 39

Haven't really talked to him in a week. Trying to give space if space is what's needed, but it's not easy. Hamsters ran amok all weekend as well. Feeling pretty overlooked....

Choices

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 11:49:36 EST

Went to the big farmer's market in town this morning. Wanted to pick up a couple things ... some greek chicken patties and flowers. I also picked up breakfast -- and instead of the biscuits and sausage gravy that I really wanted, I had a yummy Italian Bake quiche. OTOH, I did pick up a small chai latte on my way out.

So I was eating my breakfast and reading the City Paper (no, really... that's the name) and saw the horoscopes. I'm not sure where I stand on astrology. I've had ...

An Update: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly?

Thu, 9 Feb 2012 16:33:23 EST

The Good:

1 - As of yesterday's BLC weigh-in, I'm officially down 10 pounds since January 1st! That's a bit over 5 weeks. i'm really happy with that progress and hope to continue it. At this rate, I'll reach my "I'm ok" weight before the end of May! SQUEE!!!

2- I'm running a Biggest Loser Challenge at work. We start next Wednesday. It's a weigh-in only (based on percent weight lost) as I thougth getting into nutrition or physical challenges would potentially open a ...