THE_COUNTESS's SparkPeople Blog THE_COUNTESS's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Thank You to My Peeps! I just spent a good 30 minutes browsing some of my Sparkpeeps' pages and I must say, I am so thoroughly inspired and encouraged! I can't even tell you how pumped I feel right now! The storm may not be entirely over, but the rain is just a sprinkle right now, the wind is more of a breeze and the clouds are beginning to part... <BR> Thank you, my peeps! <BR> I'm recharged and so ready, y'all. <BR> <img src=""> Thu, 13 Sep 2012 10:59:01 EST Today I've been feeling a little depressed lately. I try to put on a good front, "fake it till you make it" type of stuff, but today, I just don't feel like it. Today I feel like being sad, because I am. I'm sad about a lot of things. I'm trying to hope, but my hope is tired. Like me. I'm tired. <BR> I'm trying to be driven, but I'm out of gas. <BR> I feel like staying in my room, in my bed, with my cat and my Netflix... <BR> But I'm also mad. Angry. At my sister. Gas prices. My life. Myself. I a... Wed, 5 Sep 2012 11:37:51 EST Happy SparkDay To Me! Today marks one year since I first joined Spark People, and I haven’t lost a single pound. Well, I did, but I gained them back so I’m the same exact weight I was when I joined. But that’s not really what I’m focusing on right now; I joined this site to lose something, and even though, to this point, I haven’t lost any weight, I never expected the things that I gained. <BR> <BR> I may look the same on the outside, but I feel like a different person. <BR> <BR> I lost weight before, and I th... Fri, 31 Aug 2012 12:01:40 EST That's All There Is To It So, if you've been an SP peep of mine for awhile, you likely already know this first part, but for anyone who doesn't, I'll say it again. My dream has always been to be a singer, first it was a famous pop singer, but now, I want to sing opera. And, I've got potential, but, potential only takes you so far. I wanted to get the proper training, so I applied to Texas State Music School, and, I got in, but, I don't have a way to pay for it. And as the economy is right now, it's just not a smart ga... Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:32:15 EST Patience is a Virture, Apparently.... So, I failed my first test on controlling my reactions. My sister woke me up this morning to yell at me and I yelled back. :/ <BR> The chain on our toilet was broken when I got home from work yesterday and she woke me up this morning with "go fix the toilet that you broke!" To flush now you have to take the lid on the water tank off and pull the chain manually. Well when I went to use the loo in the middle of the night I pulled it but didn't stick around and the chain got stuck in a way that ... Tue, 14 Aug 2012 11:22:36 EST I Control Me I'll keep it short, but I just had something to say today. <BR> About a month ago I moved back in with my sister. At first things were fine, but it wasn't long before I started feeling some animosity coming from her. I'm not really going to go into it because every time I think of it, it pisses me off, and I don't really want this to turn into some sort of tangent. Suffice it to say that things were getting to the point that I was packing my things and looking for a room to rent somewhere. My... Mon, 13 Aug 2012 09:25:21 EST My Clean "Green" Campaign Over the past months I have been more and more intrigued with the idea of going back to nature. <BR> I've been researching eating clean, the Paleo diet and mulling over the thought of eating things as Yahueh has created them. Chemicals don’t have any benefit in the food we eat; they change the taste to keep us wanting more, to get us addicted so we –have- to have more (eg. caffeine) but they don’t give us nutrition, they don’t help our bodies. <BR> So I did some research into the stuff that... Wed, 1 Aug 2012 10:42:32 EST August Challenge If you don't know, I'm the co-leader of an awesome team "Quitting - You Can't Start Until You Stop". We're all about quitting the bad stuff so we can embrace the good. <BR> We did a June challenge, but because of certain events, I kinda dropped the ball on one for July. But since the addition of my stupenderiffic co-leaders, we have an August challenge. It was actually a suggestion of another team member (thanks Momarow!) <BR> I think it's a really great challenge, so I wanted to extend it t... Tue, 31 Jul 2012 09:41:59 EST So Amazing I Should Wear A Cape Drama is apparently no match for the unique awesomeness that is me! <BR> I was pretty low for a bit, but, thanks be to YAHUEH, I’m getting back to it. Last night, I attempted to do some Zumba, but I was so drained (and just so completely out of shape) I couldn’t even do 5 minutes. <BR> I decided that starting slow would be a better idea; less discouraging too. I found some 10 minute work out DVDs so I thought I’d give them a try. <BR> <BR> Today is a busy one, so keeping it short, but with... Mon, 30 Jul 2012 10:32:23 EST 25 Ways My sister had this magazine, “Childcare & Preschool Finder”. It was opened to “Tips for Nurturing Your Child’s Self-Esteem” and there were “25 Ways to Help Children Like Themselves”. I was reading it and thought how apropos some of these tips would be for the mothers, for adults in general. <BR> I thought, it’s crazy how much effort we put into other people but we aren’t willing to do for ourselves. Sometimes even feeling guilty at the mere thought of it; laughing at the idea of even liking ... Thu, 26 Jul 2012 11:28:18 EST I'm Still Alive... Bonjour, good SparkPeople! <BR> <BR> I was going to fill y'all in on the stuff that's been happening, but when I started trying to type I just... I just can't yet I guess. I'm doing better though. Yahueh has got it under control and He's using it for His glory, so as far as I'm concerned everything is under control. Just going to keep relying on Him. <BR> <BR> - <BR> <BR> In a more SparkPeople related direction, I think I'm loosing some inches! And my arms are loosing their puffiness! Ho... Thu, 5 Jul 2012 10:18:51 EST Update from Friday I'm not going to spend a lot of time on this right now, but I just wanted to fill you in a bit. <BR> My family is going through a hard time right now; there was some other stuff happening that was putting a strain on things, but Friday I got some really bad news concerning my sister, and it's really hitting me rather hard. I'm really trying to deal with it, but it's confusing, so much that I don't even know how. Maybe I'm taking it even too hard, I don't know... <BR> <BR> I also wanted to sa... Mon, 25 Jun 2012 14:10:30 EST Request I just got some news; I just wanted to ask for some prayer for my family right now. I don't even know what to say other than that. <BR> <img src=""> Fri, 22 Jun 2012 21:58:24 EST Motivation I was looking online for some motivational pictures, and I found so many awesome ones, I just had to share them! So, without any further ado *drum roll*..... <BR> <BR> Love this one! I want the shirt!: <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Ya damn right...: <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I love Maya. Such wisdom!: <... Fri, 22 Jun 2012 11:29:57 EST Burn Baby, Burn! I don't know why, because I still feel a bit like seven shades of crap, but, I feel empowered today! I feel, ferocious! I feel, kinda like Rocky, running up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art! *hums 'Gonna Fly Now'* <BR> I have so much coming up within the next couple of weeks and months, and normally I would put myself, my health, on the back burner, but, something will always manage to come up. Something always happens, and if I wait till there's a lull, nice comfortable space of ... Thu, 21 Jun 2012 11:20:59 EST Walk Across Texas Maybe it’s because I’m feeling a bit benched with this sciatica business, but I’ve been thinking of a serious “kick my own butt” challenge. After trashing a few ideas I came up with the idea to “walk across Texas” (not literally, of course). It is 895 miles, east to west, across the state of Texas so at three miles an hour (I’m a slow walker), if I started in July to be done by the end of the year, I would have to walk 5 miles a day. Problem is, I…don’t like walking that much, so after some m... Wed, 20 Jun 2012 14:27:42 EST Health Confusion I don't know what the heck is up with my body. First it was my "time" then in the middle of that, the sciatica pain started. Then the week was up and just the sciatica, then just as the sciatica pain was beginning to subside, a chest cold moved in, and now the sciatica pain is worsening again :( I've been doing the aspirin, ice and stretching, but it's really hurting again. I can still stand up straight though, which is nice. I think it's my chair at work. It's supposed to be ergonomic (and ... Wed, 20 Jun 2012 10:07:27 EST Must Haz Protein... I just ate my lunch in about 7 minutes. It wasn't a small lunch either; half a corn on the cob, baked beans, roasted potatoes, polish sausage and a wheat roll. I. Was. Starving! Holy crimeny! Ravenous! The thing is, I usually have some protein for breakfast; most days two sausage and egg tacos (what? I live in San Antonio, that's how we roll...) but this morning I had two pancakes. My sister made them for my Dad yesterday, but he didn't finish them all so I swiped them. They were okay for whe... Tue, 19 Jun 2012 13:40:17 EST Dad Wrap-up & Etc... Just dropped my Dad off at his hotel and said goodbye. He has to leave for the airport at the time I have to get ready for work, so my sister is going to see him off. <BR> I didn't realize how much I missed him until he got here; I was used to him not being around. But I don't want him to go now. I realize that I sound like a little child, but I feel a bit like one right now. Because of the bro-fail yesterday my sister and I celebrated Fathers Day and his birthday (which was the 11th) today. ... Mon, 18 Jun 2012 23:08:37 EST Mini Update on the Mini Update I didn't binge today! YAY! That probably has to do with the fact that I FINALLY got some sleep! Oh, and that my back feels sooooooooooooooooooo much better. Thank YAHUEH! Huffing and puffing while getting -in- my car and crying over putting socks on was getting old, real fast! I found some awesome stretches on YouTube, did the ice and aspirin thing. It's not 100%; still hurts some, but it feels 73.567% better! HOORAY! *does a happy dance* <BR> I think I have a bit of a chest cold now. (I'm aw... Sun, 17 Jun 2012 21:30:26 EST Mini Update I'm going to make this a short one: <BR> The verdict is in, it's......sciatica! Again :/ *sigh* <BR> I'm feeling bummed because it's making me stay home instead of being out with my Dad, but, I'm doing ice and aspirin as prescribed for it, so hopefully it will help. <BR> Say a pray for me, s'il vous plait. <BR> <img src=""> Sat, 16 Jun 2012 16:09:13 EST What Goes Up I'm not depressed or anything, but my smile seems to have worn a bit thin. <BR> Maybe it's that my back feels like an elephant did a tap dance on it? It still hurts soooo much :( I've been trying to behave as though everything is fine, especially at work, but it's starting to drain me. I think I even cried when I put my socks on because it hurt. Yes, it hurt to put socks on. Doesn't that sound stupid? And every time I stand up I look like the Hunchback of Notre Dam for about five minutes bec... Fri, 15 Jun 2012 10:59:25 EST Can't Give Up I was just talking to a co-worker and she asked me how my school stuff was coming along... <BR> <BR> Time out: let me update those who don't know. <BR> I was going to school for awhile, but a series of events led to me having to drop out and I haven't gotten to return to finish my degree. In January of this year a friend kinda challenged me to audition for the Texas State School of Music (I want my degree in vocal performance - opera) so I did. And I got in! I'm pretty good (if I can say tha... Thu, 14 Jun 2012 10:50:03 EST My Dad, Boys & Back Pain My dad flew in last night; my sister and I went to the airport to pick him up. We took him to get something to eat and then we took him to his hotel. I didn't get home until almost midnight and didn't get to sleep until about one. Needless to day I feel a little bit like the tinman before he got oiled; creaky and stiff. Of course, the fact that my back has been in a full revolt since Monday doesn't help matters in the least. It feels like someone beat me on my back with a two by four; it feel... Wed, 13 Jun 2012 11:29:30 EST The Pledge I Make to Myself - The Body Warrior Pledge I found this online and I thought it was great. I only changed a few parts here and there... <BR> <BR> - <BR> <BR> Because I understand that loving and respecting body are crucial to being able to love and respect my self and soul, I pledge to do the following: <BR> <BR> To stop berating my body and to begin celebrating the vessel that I have been given. I will remember the amazing things my body has given me: the ability to experience the world with a breadth of senses, the ability to per... Tue, 12 Jun 2012 11:24:50 EST Ready to Fly! I believe that everything happens for a reason. I often don't know what the reason is till much later, and sometimes I never know what the reason is, but I believe that everything happens for a specific purpose. This has led me to wonder why I gained so much weight, and then lost it only to gain it back plus some with a vengeance. <BR> It's only been in the last few days that I realized what this fat has been for me. It's been my cocoon; where my metamorphosis takes place. Unlike a butterfly... Mon, 11 Jun 2012 10:09:08 EST This is Going to Be Awkward... If you've been a Spark peep of mine for awhile, you've probably heard me talk about my dad; if you haven't, you will now. <BR> A little background: I was a daddys' girl from the get, so when he divorced my mom and left when I was 12, that really killed me. Broke my heart really, my confidence, everything almost. Like anyone else, he has his problems, but his problems kept him from being around for us, for me. They didn't have to keep him away, but, as he told my mom when they got divorced, he... Fri, 8 Jun 2012 10:01:36 EST Get Out of My Way or Get Run Over Yesterday around lunch time I started to feel really depressed and overwhelmed. As the day wore on, my melancholy grew to where I just wanted to be in bed and not move. I know that feeling. I HATE that feeling. I just let it sit there though, because I was too tired to fight it at that moment. But right now, I have had enough. So listen up, you feelings of depression, stress and melancholy! I have been working too hard and too long for you to just pop around, uninvited, whenever you feel like... Tue, 5 Jun 2012 09:06:05 EST Cathartic Ramble I feel like I should apologize; I haven't been very active lately and I feel like I should be because I have a team now, and I really want to be the best team leader I can be. I think they deserve it. <BR> My life seems to be pulling at me in every direction all at once right now. There's a lot of stuff happening with my family right now, and I'm conveniently in the mix even though, until I was put into it, it really didn't have much to do with me. There's the stuff with my friends (...I...d... Mon, 4 Jun 2012 15:19:36 EST Operation 'Listening to Myself' You may or may not know this, but I started a Sparkteam (Qutting - You Can't Staut Until You Stop<BR>individual.asp?gid=56687 <BR> - Join us!) I'm new at this team leader thing, but I wanted to make a June challenge. Since our team is geared toward inner stuff and not outer I wanted to focus our challenges to that; it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be to come up with a challenge, but I managed (I think). <BR> I decided to extend the challenge ... Wed, 30 May 2012 13:55:01 EST You Know How I Roll I don't really know how to begin this, so I'm just going to start writing and see what happens.... <BR> <BR> As you may have known, I was away for a few days to do, what I like to call, root pulling; I had to do some internal work, to get out all of the bad stuff that I've ingrained in myself. If you've never pulled a root before, let me tell you, it's hard! Holy crap! Darn things are more stubborn than I am! And that's saying something! It's ridiculous. <BR> After much prayer and research I... Tue, 29 May 2012 09:53:40 EST Signing Out, For Now I write this blog for two reasons; one, to explain my absence and two, to preface the inevitable blogs that will follow. <BR> I will be away for a few days, at most a week, starting, well, now, because I have some root pulling to do. If you're a praying person, please send some prayers my way, if you're not, send me some good thoughts/vibes as I can use what I much as I can get. Trust me. <BR> <BR> Anyway, that's all from me. <BR> <BR> <BR> The_Countess, signing out. <BR> <img src="http... Thu, 24 May 2012 21:09:30 EST Shame: My Confession (Caution: Read At Your Own Risk) I think that shame is a nasty habit. I have been ashamed of who I am, how I am, what I am, my past, my mistakes, my foolishness and just myself in general for a very, very long time. I have been hiding in plain sight for years; hiding my heart, my thoughts, my words because I was ashamed. I was scared of what people would think, scared that they would think me a freak, disgusting, weak; scared that they wouldn't accept me, want me or love me. Scared of what they'd say, scared of what they'd d... Tue, 22 May 2012 22:17:01 EST I See You I see you. <BR> Walking past me everyday. <BR> Giving me that look. <BR> Like, I don't deserve to breathe the same air as you. <BR> Like, I'm not good enough to be in your mere presence. <BR> I see you. <BR> I see you. <BR> <BR> I see you, and I don't care. <BR> You can't hurt me anymore. <BR> Not now. <BR> Not ever again. <BR> You think I'm jealous of you, but I'm not. <BR> Not anymore. <BR> You have nothing I want. <BR> After all I've gone through. <BR> Been through. <BR> A... Mon, 21 May 2012 09:18:32 EST Why? The word why is a great word, isn’t it? I love “why”? When I was a child my mother would say to do something (or –not- do something) and I’d always say “but…why?”. Not to be disobedient (okay, maybe sometimes) but, I really just wanted to know why. “Don’t touch the stove” – “Okay…but why?” I –hated- (and still hate) “because I said so”. Because I said so tells me nothing. Because I said so basically means “I don’t really have a reason.” And that’s not good enough for me, there is –always- a ... Thu, 17 May 2012 10:38:40 EST Go Ahead, Make My Day.... On Monday, I quit. On Tuesday, I quit again. This morning, I started quitting and I won't stop until I fall asleep, and then, I'll be quitting in my dreams. Some people may think I've gone crazy, the demons and liars in my head say that I'm going a little overboard with this "quitting thing", but they fail to realize is that this is not a fad. <BR> I know why they say that, I know why they want me to just "take a break..", "take a step back and calm down...". They know that if they can get m... Wed, 16 May 2012 09:57:07 EST I Quit I quit judging my self-worth on my weight or the size of my waist. <BR> <BR> I quit reading magazine and internet articles like "How to Blast Your Blubber and Get a Flat Tummy in 4 Weeks" or "The Amazing New South Amazonian Fish Fin That Can Make You Lose 20 pounds in 2 Weeks!" <BR> <BR> I quit tormenting myself by going into stores I -know- don't have my size and fantasizing about "oh, the day I can fit into this..." <BR> <BR> I quit obsessing over calories, carbs, fats and sugars and wei... Mon, 14 May 2012 15:35:39 EST To Food Dear Food, <BR> <BR> I don't need you to comfort me anymore, I have someOne else. Just do your job fueling my body from now on. Kthanksbye. <BR> <BR> Love, <BR> Me <BR> <BR> <img src=""> Fri, 11 May 2012 15:44:45 EST :/ So, I went to the movies last night and I, could barely fit in the seat. *sad sigh* Granted, it was the dollar movies, so the seats are smaller, but not THAT much smaller! Talk about feeling discouraged... It simultaneously made me want to give up and ready to crack the whip on myself! So mad, and sad... <BR> <img src=""> Tue, 17 Apr 2012 16:44:27 EST New News So, I got accepted into Texas State University!! I got my acceptance to the music school a few weeks ago, but today I found out that I'm accepted by admissions! YAYAYAYAYAYYAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!! I am so happy, you don't even know. At the beginning of the year I had no idea it would be going this way, but I'm so glad it is. It changes things, but in a good way. I have to get financial aid so I can pay for this, need to find an apartment, find a part time job and get my happy trasero (I'm working on... Mon, 9 Apr 2012 15:04:56 EST Plus Sizes: A Thought ~So, I looked it up and size 14 is the size of the average American woman, it is also (according to what I've read) where the plus sizes start. And that got me to thinking, since when was plus a bad thing? <BR> An A+ was always better than just an A. The word plus is actually a positive, so why is a plus size a negative? <BR> I personally believe I will always be "plus size" (just to a greater or lesser degree) and I think as long and I'm happy and healthy, that should never be an issue. In f... Thu, 5 Apr 2012 09:23:43 EST Advice Pls? I've been doing Atkins for a month now and I've been in induction the whole time, but I don't think I'm in ketosis yet. I haven't cheated on my carbs at all. However, I haven't been counting my diet sodas and I just stopped the caffeine yesterday. Diet soda is a weak spot for me; I drink TONS of water (between 1.5-2 gallons a day) and the diet soda helps me to not get -as- tired of water-water-water all the time. Anyway, so yesterday I cut the caffeine. I'm still drinking some caffeine free d... Mon, 12 Mar 2012 12:49:54 EST The audition is over..... So, my audition is finally over. I may blog about it later, but I just wanted to inform the people who keep up with me that I finally did it! I auditioned on the third and they said that it would take 4 to 6 weeks to find out, but Saturday I got a letter in the mail and... <BR> I GOT IN!!!! Apparently, they loved me... *does the Groucho eyebrows" <BR> Now, I still have to be accepted into the actual college (this acceptance was just to the Music school part of it) which is being held up only... Mon, 12 Mar 2012 09:27:02 EST Updates 'n' Schtuff... Okay, so I'm still having a hard time getting my calories up, but yesterday I got to around 1600ish, so that's only 200ish off! I promise I'm not starving myself, I just don't feel all that hungry... I don't know if it's doing anything for me yet, I'm only 10 days in without having cheated on my carbs and I wanted to wait until I successfully completed two whole weeks without cheating before I weighed and measured. so I don't know. My clothes feel a teeeeeeeeny bit looser, but today they feel... Wed, 22 Feb 2012 11:22:53 EST Too Little? I've been tracking my food intake and I've been realizing that I haven't been meeting my daily calorie intake requirement. One day I went as low as 1280ish and the highest has been 1860ish, which is still (though only slightly) under my calorie recommendation according to SP. I realize that my number is so high just because my weight is so high, but I also know that too little calories for your body can switch it to starvation mode, which I do NOT want (I'm trying to burn this fat, not keep ... Fri, 17 Feb 2012 09:37:10 EST The Evil in Dress Shopping So, guess what! I finally have an audition date for the music school at Texas State: March 3rd! I'm so excited! I've been practicing and immersing myself into my music to prepare. They gave me a little over a month to prepare, so I'm putting the stick on it - to the max. It's good in that it's a challenge, but I'm hoping I can get the dust off these pipes by then and wow the judges, or at least do well enough that they accept me. I finally picked my two pieces and was feeling home free when I... Thu, 2 Feb 2012 15:46:21 EST Review & Other Stuff It's DAY THREE! YAY! I am so excited! I did Atkins before and lost 40 pounds in 2 months (I stayed in induction the whole time) but got off of it. I tried to go back to it many times but could never get past day one, and I always felt like a big hot bowl of death with cravings that just made me feel crazy, but this time, it's almost...effortless. My cravings are nearly nonexistent, I have only sporadically felt nauseous, which went away within 20 minutes. The only thing I have to complain abo... Tue, 31 Jan 2012 10:05:35 EST The Letter So, I finally finished the letter to my dad, and it was hard, just like I thought it'd be. I told him that it hurt me when he left, and how I tried so many different ways to fill the hole that he left. I told him that I never really understood why he didn't stay. I told him that I was so angry at him for leaving and that I had so much hurt, but I told that I love him and I forgive him, even though my heart still aches. I also told him that I want my father back and that I think I deserve it. ... Thu, 26 Jan 2012 16:35:52 EST Rambling I just finished eating -way- too many peanut M&M's. I know why - I'm feeling really stressed today. Exceedingly so. I'm not sure why I'm feeling so stressed out though. I only know I've been working really hard lately. I trying to mentally prepare myself to begin Atkins, weaning myself off of caffeine, trying to work on my voice; it's really out of shape and that's not acceptable, working on deepening my spiritual relationship, trying to practice mindfulness and working through some money is... Tue, 24 Jan 2012 15:21:38 EST Fail. I was fully intending on going to the San Antonio Spark People rally today, but I confess that I didn't go. I don't know why, but I had a massive panic attack over it. It's worrisome because I'm not usually this bad. Sure, I'm nervous and anxious, but this was full on freak-outage. I couldn't sleep, my heart was palpitating and I was hyperventilating. I don't understand what made me so scared about it, I mean, they're nice people and a lot of them have been very supportive. I don't know what ... Sat, 21 Jan 2012 13:15:32 EST