THEMANOR2011's SparkPeople Blog THEMANOR2011's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community The motivation has struck...... well landed in my lap! Day 1 Previous blogs have ranted, complained and moaned about not having enough motivation to get off my lazy backside and get this weight off- after all i have a graduation to go to this year, a graduation ball and venice and paris! eeek! a while ago i decided to do something i have been talking about for years, a famous half marathon! sent paper work off for a charity place and forgot about it. Yesterday i had the place confirmed so i now need to work up to running 13 miles! i know i have plenty ... Sat, 16 Feb 2013 04:11:09 EST To Do...To Be I just struggle to see anything changing and don't know how to, what is the motivation? I am scared if I do I will get tired and worn out again. I have become the one thing that I never wanted to become - lazy. But ultimately coming down to the fact that everything made me believe that life is tough and I don't matter. I know this is not a depression been there but this is apathy. I am so inspired by the people on this website, and wish that i could be like just one of you, but then i get sca... Fri, 11 Jan 2013 16:26:27 EST What is wrong with me? answers on a postcard This is a very quick blog to get these thoughts out of my head! which are circling around and if anyone can answer then I will get you a prize (afraid would only be my gratitude) <BR> <BR> Why am I not motivated? I have put some weight back on, clothes are tight, posture poor, energy ok, breathless a tad when going up multiple flights of stairs at work, hate taking stairs now for some odd reason! Mindless eating. Also stomach pains I can't seem to eat much at times just feel full - but I sti... Thu, 10 Jan 2013 05:26:18 EST Self Destruct Button - I can't stop hitting it! So sad to be writing this type of blog, but partly doing it as a confession. It is strange in life when one part of your life improves, i.e. my work the other side i.e. goes down. Lately I have been working in the speciality that I want as my full time career and loving it lots of theatre time. Apart from one female consultant I am the only woman usually there, feel I have a lot to prove and want to impress. I am working long hours, but i have bad habit of when i do that i shut me down. <BR>... Sat, 30 Jun 2012 08:19:18 EST Obscure rambling blog Following my last blog, what has been going on? Well started with a new trainer and it is a challenge! he is not one for talking, i.e. to gauge my base level. but I have had the confidence to tell him what I want! so that is something. First week lost a pound! was being really careful with my eating but back end of last week and beginning of this one has not been brilliant I haven't really binged but been working extra and translated to irregular eating patterns. I was all excited about food ... Mon, 14 May 2012 14:24:32 EST Waking up!!!! I have woken up!!! not superficially but in a more deep sense. i have gone through a rough couple of years and the core problem, sounds rather hippy, but I forgot who i was. I listened to others, try to be others and finally when that didn't work i gave up! didn't see the point of things was waiting for someone else to come along and show me the way, begging god for a tutor or someone to guide me. Actually the whole time the only person i needed was me! <BR> <BR> All I want is to reach my p... Sun, 6 May 2012 14:15:24 EST Rant of an invisible woman! Motivation is still not at full whack yet. I know this sounds awful but deep down think I have just given up. What is the point? so long I have been stuck on plateau etc going up slightly then back down. Just sick of hitting my head off a brick wall! Seem to be invisible as well, on placement at mo and full of male registrars and they are very keen to help the pretty thin girls. Just feel like a whale next to them and overlooked. Plus they are younger than me as well. So feel crappy about mys... Sun, 22 Apr 2012 13:08:42 EST Does standing class as exercise? Started new rotation in surgery, seem to spend my time between loving it and being terrified. Pressure is really from within the people have actually nice!( but don't tell them I said that they already have god egos anyway) but I want to do well at it as I really want to be a surgeon. <BR> <BR> But it has thrown out my health plans a bit. Firstly eating, I am better at eating little and often - not possible. We don't even get strict protected lunch time just get it when you can or work thro... Tue, 17 Apr 2012 16:33:06 EST Fat Googles! Yesterday I was walking past the mirror and for the first time in awhile the fat goggles were off and I saw the real me- no dysmorphia either way i.e. seeing myself more skinny or more fat just realistic. It was nasty. I looked at that woman and I didn't recognise her. Finally could see what all my binging has done to me and the denial. Just feel sadden. Is this another gun-ho pledging blog???? NO that is where I have gone wrong so much in the past. This is going to take time to deal with. I ... Mon, 16 Apr 2012 14:03:13 EST Fed up! Been awhile since I blogged, partly due to lack of anything to say and usual reason of work. Feeling rather deflated of late, I keep thinking what is the point? yes I want to be healthy etc but I am getting a bit sick of being careful with what I eat and exercise and not getting the results. I have tried changing the programme etc but I look at others on spark and the amazing results people have got, and think why can't that be me? I am still so squidgy! I need clothes and went shopping and l... Mon, 19 Mar 2012 16:30:41 EST Rollercoaster Ride Continues & Pretty Shoes ( photo included) It appears I am still on my roller coast of control. So the ups, well this weekend we had to hold a small tea party/buffet for a family member. The rest of the people who came (not to sound nasty or anything like that) but prefer very traditional food, unhealthy food, then again was meant to be a party so whats wrong with a treat. I made quite a bit of the food, and brought out the old classics, but once it was made instead of thinking yum lets have loads, like I used to, I actually thought ... Sun, 11 Mar 2012 04:30:38 EST Tummy Fat!!! Argh Anyone out there who could help me?!?!?!? Quick Update: <BR> <BR> This week has been mental! My work has meant I have travelled a lot this week and one day was in a 11 hour operation, which was very tiring! What has this meant well things have gone off track slightly, not completely with eating which is a good thing! but with the exercise which really makes the difference for me. <BR> <BR> Plus have a house guest this weekend and last night went out for a pub meal and I gave in at dessert did i enjoy it, yes it was nice but I ate ... Sat, 3 Mar 2012 03:22:12 EST HUNTING FOR BUDDY and Slip ups! Blogging time! <BR> <BR> I have had such a chaotic week and with awful habits! Since friday I finished my placement on admissions, had to move back home, then start next placement in surgery on monday. Rather looking forward to this placement as I know the people better and also it is the field of surgery i am interested in. But the major problem has been food! and the amount and what it has been! plus despite saying I will give up alcohol I have had some this week and so disappointed in mys... Sat, 18 Feb 2012 03:28:27 EST Good and Bad Points It has been awhile since I have blogged and that is due to work as normal and partly my focus has been more outward than inward. Luckily though I have passed my end of rotation assignment! so now back at home for the next rotation with staff that I am more familiar with sensible working hours (unless there is a problem patient!). So there is some positives - but I am feeling rather rubbishy! <BR> <BR> I tried going clothes shopping yesterday and good news I was a size similar in trousers! b... Sun, 12 Feb 2012 13:51:34 EST Update and Well done me! Well after a mad blogging time I went to no blogging, why....... work mainly and nothing to say! <BR> <BR> Back because i have a small achievement, only a small one but better than nothing! (might use a lot of exclamation marks in this blog please excuse!) This week has been an odd one, feeling slightly more confident at work, dealing with my own patients and presenting straight to consultant. Although tough time with the co worker student, he creeps me out! He constantly trying to one up o... Fri, 27 Jan 2012 14:54:39 EST Weight On -- ---- Gutted! Well after three weeks of running around, constantly up and down flights of stairs, Pilates and getting to the gym when I can. Plus not eating a lot I have managed to put weight on! Gutted to say the least. Wasn't even hoping for a massive loss, just a small one one maybe two pounds. I haven't put mounds on it is only a pound but it is going in the wrong direction. <BR> <BR> Spoke to my partner and he thinks I might not be eating enough so I am going to try one week of tracking (normally no... Sun, 22 Jan 2012 12:02:23 EST Realisation and Advice Wanted Do you ever get that realisation moment when you see what everyone else sees? For that moment the rose tinted glasses are off! Your mind is unable to make excuses or sugar coat the situation. Well I had one of those moments at 1am the other morning while on night shift at the hospital. <BR> <BR> It had been a busy night as usual, patients waiting and jobs to be done, but for a brief moment my body let me know to take five! So I went to the locker room, I was just washing my hands before retu... Sat, 21 Jan 2012 12:45:04 EST Fat Amnesia Wow another blog! Gosh check me out getting all wordy! <BR> <BR> Just about to head out for next night shift, REALLY nervous, not sure what to expect if it is like last night I can cope! Nerves slightly got the better of me last night, but we shake it off and get back to it the next day people to help and save! well more like my role paperwork to complete and results to pod! <BR> <BR> Anyway didn't just want to blog about work, although slightly connected. Weight motivation right now is sl... Wed, 18 Jan 2012 15:15:21 EST Listening ----- or Not Only a quick one today as I should really be getting some rest before my first night shift tonight. Actually started work at 8am for morning rounds then agreed to go in tonight to do nights for the rest of the week. So classic example of mad working hours, 8-11am then it will be 9pm till 11/12 next day. Had a little rest and feel not too bad, will get some more in a mo - flipping heck I go off topic too easily. <BR> <BR> I have been thinking about what happened yesterday with bumping into s... Tue, 17 Jan 2012 11:15:21 EST Crappy Day Quick Update: <BR> <BR> Complete contrast from yesterday having a low day today! Where to begin well work was hectic and I ended up doing loads of work and the other guy on my placement did not a lot, well apart from the nice jobs he wanted to do! Then I seen some people from the year above, especially one girl who i have never really got on with. Typical the dayI feel and look an utter mess! Tried to avoid the situation but ended up in the thick of it. <BR> <BR> Main thing that is bugging ... Mon, 16 Jan 2012 15:31:38 EST A size 10!!!!!! Quick Update: <BR> <BR> Today has been slightly rocky, felt a bit low but then picked up slightly! I needed a new coat and I thought I would treat myself to a very nice one, to my delight I got and fitted properly into a size 10!!!! wohooo!!!! bear in mind when I started this journey I was a size 24 / 26! I loved the feeling, and this has really gave me some motivation to make sure that i am that size consistently! <BR> <BR> Another bonus is I done my Pilates again and I am really enjoying... Sun, 15 Jan 2012 13:34:39 EST Food and Shoulds Posted last blog but then realised I had another thought! this time relating to food and why do I binge so much. <BR> <BR> When I was younger we had very careful parents, gave us healthy foods etc but we had treats with food. I love my parents dearly and not blaming them for anything. I think now I have grown up to be a big girl, I can now access those foods as much as I want. Those treats I can get when I want. But it feels I have to grab them quick incase that privilege goes, and I can't g... Sat, 14 Jan 2012 14:33:11 EST Battle with Myself! <BR> For some reason I feel rather inspired to write this weekend as this is my second blog in as many days! One issue I am trying to work out in my con fuddled mind is motivation issues. Initially when I started out I was so careful and had a defined goal. It used to be what ever I put my mind to, I did! and always to the best of my ability. But can't say the same of late! <BR> <BR> I have studied the human body in depth for nearly 10 years now, so I know a thing or two about it. I know t... Sat, 14 Jan 2012 14:21:08 EST Is the final result possible? It has been so long since I have been on spark or even stopped! <BR> <BR> Quick Update: <BR> Through Nov 2011 till mid Dec 2011, I have been in the land of revision! I call it a land as it is all consuming and becomes your life and it is right to do so. But tried to get out as much as I could, but due to them being the most weighted exams they had to take priority. Good News though I passed!!!! Wohoo, even though I was out for a year I somehow pulled it out of the bag. So no more major exa... Fri, 13 Jan 2012 14:57:40 EST The rollercoaster I want to get off! Have not been on spark for weeks! And don't know where to start! Uni is demanding as ever, just as I remember and work life balance has tipped the wrong way AGAIN. I love my work and partly been doing ok even got accepted for another presentation and publication. Great you may think ? To get to that, just like anything good in life it requires hard work on top of my scheduled work. But that means other things get out of control like looking after me usually after a very long day I feel exhaus... Thu, 29 Sep 2011 15:45:31 EST The Comeback!!! Well the first day at uni has been and gone! It wasn't as scary as I thought quite dull actually as mainly admin talks. But didnt know anyone which was daunting but thought I am there to get my degree first and fore most,plus because of what happened to me I am wary of people. <BR> <BR> As for weight and appearance I did feel good and of course the whole I could have lost more went through my mind, but I am in control of my own thoughts and remembered the song"I am what I am" but I did retur... Tue, 6 Sep 2011 02:48:26 EST Part Two as Promised!!! I said yesterday that I would write more so here I am clicking away ! Or should I say confessing away!!! <BR> I have gone off track that's in the past no point dwelling or going over it too much. Think partly on that point I am hyper critical of myself due to my return to uni tomorrow!! Won't go into to it all but I was bullied at uni and had some unwanted hassle. So part of me thinks if I could go back skinny that would show them and be invisible so it wont happen again!! Even though I know ... Sun, 4 Sep 2011 10:22:06 EST Way way off track!!! Things have been so hectic again and last prep for Monday the big comeback!!! <BR> Anyway been eating crap and not been able to get to exercise as I have been away. Finally today my awful cramps hit so no wonder I have been craving carbs!! Anyway will write more tomorrow just wanted to confess . Worried I have in done all my hard work --- why do I do this to myself <BR> Cx Sat, 3 Sep 2011 13:40:17 EST Still Alive and Certainly Kicking! Been awhile since I have been on spark, the run up to my big return to university is rapidly approaching - as in less than 2 weeks time! Terrfied to say the least! So things have been rather hectic and also had some personal issues to sort out. <BR> <BR> But lets start with the positive first, I have continued with bootcamp! and really enjoying it. But also on sunday went to my first kickboxing lesson! the lady who runs the bootcamp also teaches kickboxing and invited me to go along after w... Wed, 24 Aug 2011 11:31:49 EST Call to Arms - DO TODAY! QUICK BLOG - THOUGHT <BR> <BR> Was reading an article today on yahoo, (rather than working!) about an actress who lost loads of weight for the film black swan (sorry cant find the link now!) Anyway in it she discussed how she never thought her body would drop to such a low weight, that her body was capable of doing something like that and it made her realise how amazing the human body is. This got me thinking..... <BR> <BR> I work with the human body every day, see inside and out of it in d... Thu, 11 Aug 2011 11:29:54 EST The Masked Blogger! I have now discovered that carry a medicine ball up a very steep hill is actually hell on earth! But strangely gave me the biggest smile in the world that I managed it. What am I talking about? Bootcamp! <BR> <BR> I returned last night and enjoyed myself (but no one tell the instructor! otherwise she will think I didnt work hard enough!) I thought having a week off I would be dying and back to square one but I think I done okay. I tried to stay as much as I could at the front with the faste... Wed, 10 Aug 2011 12:24:52 EST To highlight or not to highlight! Feeling like I am on an upwards trend, nervous as dont want to count my chickens before they hatch, but things are getting more positive! <BR> <BR> Listening to the old body of what it wants, resisted temptation last night and didnt give into emotions last night either! Think it helps as cramps etc have improved. Plus got a very good write up from a doctor I have been working with and my letter of confirmation for my return in sept! So have only a few weeks to get the last little bit off! ... Tue, 9 Aug 2011 11:07:32 EST Confession! Hope I am not too late! Havent been on spark for awhile, really no excuse just been working alot. Trying to get a paper published which has meant a re write and preparing some other work. Means I do alot on the computer so to spend more time on the computer for leisure isnt something I want to do- as usually eyes are quite tired! Reason for my high work load is linked to my partner working alot. He has been in everyday this week and just left for work. <BR> <BR> Right confession time, I was so determined to loose ... Sun, 7 Aug 2011 13:05:12 EST Just a boring waffling blog! My body feels sore! although not as sore as the day after my first bootcamp session, so perhaps some progress is being made. Got to the end of my first week and my exercise level is up but eating is still not completely under control. Dont mean to make excuses but my partners shifts really dont help me, I am a routine girl and like to eat regulary but his shifts throw that. We have taken the opportunity when we can to eat properly together but this has more been the exception than the rule th... Fri, 29 Jul 2011 13:20:36 EST Pretty Woman well.......perhaps more Bridget Jones! I am still on going with my last push to loose abit more weight so I can make my stunning entrance in sept! (kinda of like pretty women when she has all the shopping bags-looking all get me! , reality probably more like bridget in bridget jones 2 when she turns up to the law society dinner , with ill placed make up and a dress too tight- oh darcy!-hey im a realist!) <BR> <BR> Food side has not been great, the more I try and be good the worse I am it seems. Went fruit picking today great but... Thu, 28 Jul 2011 15:36:46 EST The Pain ohhhh the Pain! Where to begin oh where! <BR> <BR> Didnt blog yesterday as I was having a rather odd day, spent the whole day trying to motivate myself and then ended up doing nothing. Feeling like I should be working but i hindsight beforeI know it I will be back at uni and not have the time to sit and watch tv, play on spark do the gardening and do nothing! I sometimes feel that I should always be working probably due to a lack of confidence in my work and brain! Also what threw me yesterday was my partn... Wed, 27 Jul 2011 11:52:28 EST Day 1 of come back After my weight loss and new targets set yesterday I was thinking of tackling this one day at a time and see how that goes, short goals i.e. get through today! <BR> <BR> So day 1 was not too bad, although had a cupcake as it was someones leaving day at work and my consultant was very persistant that I should partake! But I didnt beat myself up about it just thought I would control the rest of the day! I even walked to Waitrose and got something from their healthy range for lunch, whereas no... Mon, 25 Jul 2011 13:43:20 EST Back Again! I was quite shocked yesterday I was feeling huge and fat, and thought I had put weight on with my house move and work demands being stupid lately and a trip away. So I decided to get out to the gym and do the dreaded weigh in so I could see the damage and to my surprise I had lost weight! Not stones but gone down around 2kgs! Not bad for not trying - well been out for a few runs but that was more for stress relief. <BR> <BR> My return to university is Sept 5th and I am terrified I really wa... Sun, 24 Jul 2011 12:52:47 EST