THECRAZYMANGO's SparkPeople Blog THECRAZYMANGO's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Finding My Way Back to My Goal Weight Tonight I decided I would ask the trainer to take a photo of me to see if I made progress from when the other trainer took a photo of me in April. Honestly, I don't really see a difference. I am not saying that to get compliments. I just don't really see the difference. Actually, I do. I am happier. I am stronger. I can deadlift 160#. I can run 8-10 miles on a whim. I run half marathons. That is nothing to sneeze at. <BR> <BR> Here are the two photos. The first one is in April and the secon... Mon, 23 Nov 2015 22:55:09 EST Goal: Strength and Speed Whenever I think of goals it seems that I question the goals. <BR> <BR> Is this too lofty? <BR> Is this achievable? <BR> Are you sure we can do this? <BR> <BR> Recently, I ran a half marathon and I was just sooooooooo slooow. Frankly, I am tired of being slow. People walk faster than I RUN. I know it is important that I am moving but geez I hate telling people my pace. I shouldn't be embarrassed of my pace. <BR> <BR> A few days before the half marathon, I got a heavy lifting program fr... Fri, 13 Nov 2015 20:19:10 EST Circle of Inspiration I have struggled with inspiring others as a positive thing. It always seems to be said in a way of "Well, if you can do it, so can I!" To me, I hear an insult. <BR> <BR> Putting that aside, I have been hearing how I am inspiring and am remembering how it feel TO INSPIRE. It feels good that I am doing my thing and they think I am doing an awesome job that they want to do it as well. It is typically when I am doing it because I, no one else, wants to. <BR> <BR> In the past, it was my weight... Thu, 24 Sep 2015 21:23:00 EST My Day Today was an interesting day! <BR> <BR> I got mopey sometime in the afternoon. It is always hard to tell if it is real feelings or depression episode rearing it's ugly head. It might be a bit of both as I start to process that the break up is real. <BR> <BR> I went to the gym prior to meeting up with my friend. At first, it was really hard to get out of the sad funk but slowly it happened. I even got more energy. Before she got there, I did a hour of exercise than did another 30 minutes o... Wed, 23 Sep 2015 22:17:23 EST A New Sparker Today I had an amazing day - than again every day I run is amazing - and ran 11 miles on a trail with a friend. It would have been hard either way as it was hilly. But, I ran 3 miles and lifted yesterday. Wowsa! But, we got it done. Afterwards we ate in the small town we visited and they had amazing homemade food. Seriously, the pie was like my own Grandma made it. Just amazing! <BR> <BR> My friend and I talk about exercise, food and weight loss. She inspired me to get refocused with Sparkp... Sun, 20 Sep 2015 20:07:09 EST Finding Mr. Right Since breaking up with my boyfriend, I have given it alot of thought of want I really want. I learned there are just some things I cannot compromise on and I was doing more compromising with my ex than I realized. <BR> <BR> It was never bad but I no longer wanted to try to be someone I just wasn't. He wanted me to have long hair because short hair according him looked like boys. He told me that my tattoos were white trash. He hated my running. <BR> <BR> Maybe he started to suffocate me. B... Sat, 19 Sep 2015 00:55:40 EST A New Week I am so glad it is a new week. A new week means new beginnings. <BR> <BR> With still working the Y until Friday, I worked Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday from 8:30-4 than 6:00-10:00 pm. I didn't really have alot of time to myself so come Friday night, I was stressed to the max. I was going to go to my Grandma's memorial at her church (she passed a few years ago) but I had to miss it. I needed to stay here to do homework. It was not a fun decision but I had to do what is best for me. <BR> <B... Sun, 13 Sep 2015 23:07:01 EST God's Rewards A month ago, I felt God was testing me by the comments by my than bf was saying. Simply put, they just weren't very nice. It took me a few weeks but I finally broke it off. <BR> <BR> Not only am I happier but I feel rewarded by God. The first day back to work from the Ragnar all the co-workers and even some of the patients were asking me about it. Than, I got a hair cut and I swear I got like 50 compliments that day and that's not even an exaggeration. <BR> <BR> It feel like God was showe... Mon, 24 Aug 2015 17:54:49 EST Motivated to Lift I am just so excited! I am 201.4 today so I am hoping to get back into onerland this week or next! I swear I broke up my ex and it released so much weight. <BR> <BR> SOOO excited! <BR> <BR> I have also noticed I have an energy I haven't had for a looooong time. It's MY energy and makes me feel like ME. <BR> <BR> Today I am going to lift something heavy. <em>344</em> I haven't really done strength training except for wtih my trainer for a long time. Tomorrow I'll run long - I think my... Sat, 22 Aug 2015 11:56:28 EST Eating Better Single This past weekend was life changing for me as I had Ragnar (coming back this weekend to tell you about it) and broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. We had our troubles but it wasn't terrible in the end. I just couldn't do it anymore. There's alot to it. <BR> <BR> One thing I tried to compromise with how to be healthy with him. It just did not work... like ever. I could work out and stuff but I don't know if he truly supported me. Also, we'd eat burgers and steaks on the weekends. I think ... Thu, 20 Aug 2015 23:48:03 EST Trying out the app... I've tried the app off and on but love the newest update. I can blog from it in my phone. Pretty awesome! In other news, my boyfriend is being odd. He told me to track which he doesnt ever. As he says he doesn't care. Tonight I can't be willy nilly and track whenever I want. There is a truth to that. Oddly today I was thinking I need to do something different, try a new program. Maybe I need to just keep with this and be strict with myself. Sat, 8 Aug 2015 22:27:20 EST Keep At It Yesterday I worked at the Y and one of the past workers came in. He is now a personal trainer at a different gym. I am really envious of him. He loves his job. I want that. I yearn for that. <BR> <BR> I am not sure if being a Physical Therapy Assistant will give me that sasification at the end of the day. Right now I really don't like going to work but I think that's because there's not a moment of rest (basically walking all day) and the other Rehab Clerk makes everything a contest. My stre... Wed, 5 Aug 2015 09:11:42 EST Try Again Another Day Last night I set the alarm across the room to get up at 6 am. My phone's alarm went off but not across the room. Basically, I reset it and went back to bed, lol. <BR> <BR> I am actually okay with this. I was sore from yesterday's run and today I work 8:30-5:00 at one job and than 6:00-10:00 at another job. Tuesdays and Fridays I give myself freebies for not working out. I know in September I will need to get more strict. <BR> <BR> Tomorrow I might try again in the morning. Even if I get u... Tue, 4 Aug 2015 08:52:46 EST Onto the Next Adventure... In just two short weeks, I will doing my next adventure and running a Ragnar Relay. A Ragnar Relay is a race where 12 people run 200 miles between Friday and Saturday. Each runner has three legs. My legs are 8, 5, and 3, I think. <BR> <BR> Since April I have been leading my 5K running group on Mondays and it's been hot in June and July. I feel it has been really conditioning me and getting me ready for the hotness of the race. I actually can kinda run in the heat. Some of my teammates are s... Mon, 3 Aug 2015 22:03:41 EST August Goals My boyfriend's part in my goal to strive for a healthy lifestyle is very interesting. It's like he doesn't want to admit to being healthy or even wanting to be healthy. But, it seems like he does. <BR> <BR> He will let me decide what we eat. If I choose to be healthy, than we eat healthy. If fruits and veggies are available (i.e. in his refrigerator) than he will eat it. He even likes to bike. Someday I'd like to learn so we can go together on the weekends. He'd be in heaven and I'd be, too... Sun, 2 Aug 2015 21:35:01 EST I went skydiving! When I reached losing 100#, I promised myself I would go skydiving. If I can lose 100#, I can go skydiving. One year passed than two and still didn't go. Than, I moved, gained some weight, and an opportunity to go skydiving for cancer presented it's self. <BR> <BR> I saw a flyer in the gas station about Jumps for Hope. Jumps for Hope is a local non-profit organization where you raise money for cancer research and families fighting cancer. Some of it goes to helping them pay off their cancer... Sat, 25 Jul 2015 22:51:51 EST Half Marathon #4 Well, this weekend I ran half marathon #4 and already am looking to run #5 and #6 at the end of summer or beginning of fall. The last time I ran a half was two years ago. <BR> <BR> It was my slowest time of all my halfs but I just got back into running six months ago and am 40 pounds heavier. I took these things in account. I still had alot of fun and was just happy to be running it. It is kind of funny because volunteers and spectators were surprised I was so chipper. Why would I run a rac... Mon, 4 May 2015 21:57:03 EST Easy Button Today was one of those days that was hard on my self esteem. I tend to feel not liked by some of my co-workers because I am not super fit and sexy where my co-worker is like a size 2. It doesn't seem to matter that she's ditzy. <BR> <BR> Today one of the guys I work with implied that I was not smart. It hurt. He is one of them that dotes on this girl and I swear it is because she is pretty. <BR> <BR> Maybe I am envious. Or maybe I see it how it is. That pretty girls and boys get the easy ... Fri, 17 Apr 2015 22:51:42 EST God's Lesson: My Destiny is to Inspire When I moved three hours away from my home, I had alot of doubts about the job. Something about the job didn't feel right. As time went on, I knew my doubts were right but was sticking it out for the bonus award. I never made friends or really explored the town. The co-worker was very negative about this area and it's activities. In that time, I paid a price of gaining weight and losing some of my self esteem. I now know I should have listened to intuition. <BR> <BR> In the last year, I hav... Thu, 9 Apr 2015 21:10:13 EST Low Sugar Levels Whenever I struggle with this journey, people say "Don't worry you got this. You did this before. You can do it again." The thing is sometimes I have no idea how I ever did it the first time. Like today. I don't know how I lost weight with this sugar issue. It seems there is a fine line between staying in calorie range and my sugar is crashing. <BR> <BR> Today was one of those days. I was going to try to be healthy today at lunch. I was so proud but it didn't work out for me. I went to DQ a... Wed, 11 Mar 2015 22:09:15 EST Beast Mode Exercise is oil for the body and my body is humming happiness tonight. I know it's the endorphins coursing through my body and I love it, haha! Tonight I broke into beast mode. I got off work early tonight and worked out it was time to meet with the trainer. This means I went for a hour walk outside (it was beautiful!), did 25 minutes on the spin bike and than met with my trainer for 30 minutes. <BR> <BR> I love that I have energy after work to work out. And, more energy everyday. I used to... Mon, 9 Mar 2015 20:54:46 EST Size Judgements As you all pretty have learned by now, I struggle with the extra weight. Today was the perfect example of exactly why. Basically, it comes with that people don't understand I was small once and I feel like my fellow co-workers don't believe I was small, that I run, lift or even exercise or eat healthy. <BR> <BR> It kinda came up today. I mentioned to a patient she looked like she was doing yoga (well, because it did look that way) which than I was asked if I do yoga. I said I do and all tha... Sat, 7 Mar 2015 00:06:51 EST Figuring Out the Struggles This week I have been writing down my food in a journal and have done it for the last seven days. This is usually where I start to skip and falter. Most days I have stayed between 1600-1800 with a a few days around 2300. Over the weekend I was upset with myself being around 2400 because I forgot what range I should be at. I now realize it wasn't that bad. Especially since I have been working out on both Saturday and Sunday with a long run on Sundays. Long runs these days are 6 miles or more. ... Wed, 4 Mar 2015 21:19:36 EST Hired a Trainer! It's so weird to not go over to my boyfriend's like I do every weekend. He's not feeling well and he doesn't like company when that is the case. It's a challenge for me to understand because 1) I want cuddles when I don't feel good 2) I feel insecure that he's pushing me away (from past experiences) even through I know that is not the case. <BR> <BR> This does mean my day is wide open! For the last six or so Saturdays, I clean up my place (how does it get so messy during the week?), run my ... Sat, 28 Feb 2015 13:03:52 EST New Girl I always knew that this second journey would be harder and different. Yet at the same time, I thought I'd be doing it much like before but now how it's different. Before I seemed to seek solitude with my workouts after being around people in classes and working at the Y. <BR> <BR> But now that I work full time, I seek group exercise and even like it. Most likely because I seek people like me that love exercise and can shop talk exercise with. I find I love yoga after a stressful day is not ... Mon, 23 Feb 2015 21:34:03 EST Even the lab tests says I am healthy! My Valentine's Day started off with some self love by getting my blood drawn for a cholesterol check and than running five miles for my half marathon training. It feels good that I have been putting myself first and it just makes me more relaxed for the time my boyfriend and I do spend together. <BR> <BR> On top of that NSV, my labs came back and it shows my cholesterol was EXCELLENT. It makes me wonder what it was at previous weights of 260 and than 160. <BR> <BR> See for yourself... <BR... Mon, 16 Feb 2015 20:21:58 EST Sugar Hangover The last two weeks I feel I have done pretty well and the scale even reflected it. Even through some of it is probably water retention, I went from 209 to 205. I felt really good about it and like I am getting back to who I was. <BR> <BR> Than, the last two days have been bad with eating <BR> <BR> I have been eating over my calorie range which I have been able to stay in for the last two weeks. Yesterday I ate SIX cupcakes. I don't think I have ate processed sugar for two weeks. Just have ... Tue, 10 Feb 2015 20:30:31 EST A Different Lifestyle This week I am realizing I am going through a different lifestyle change. I thought this time I was redoing my journey but I am not. In fact, I was pretty down on myself about it. But, I am realizing it IS different. It has different challenges. <BR> <BR> The first time around I was learning what it means to exercise and eat healthy while I was in college. Now I feel like I am going through new challenges. I am no longer in college and now work full time with regular hours. This means I no l... Tue, 3 Feb 2015 21:26:50 EST Identity Two years ago, I moved to a different town, four hours away from where I was keeping residence. I was excited to make a new start and to meet new people that didn't see me as inspiration. I didn't want to be an inspiration to anyone. I did it for myself - not for the praise or to inspire others. What does that even mean to inspire someone? <BR> <BR> Now two years later and fifty pounds later, I feel so lost and unhappy. Most days I just go to work, wish it was over, go home, watch TV until i... Tue, 27 Jan 2015 20:40:44 EST Second Chance Today I am proud of myself. I went to Gentle Yoga with much less anxiety about group exercise than there has been in the past. So, even through much of this feels like I am starting over, I still am me and still have my lessons. It was the first of many group exercise classes in January as I signed up for unlimited classes for $30. It was kinda nice to have a sorta appointment to work out as you have to register you will be at the group exercise class. <BR> <BR> I have been kinda on the fen... Mon, 29 Dec 2014 21:23:08 EST Christmas 2014 and 2015 Goals Here I sit, watching for my body to get energy to go for a run. Not sure why I am so tired but I am excited to play with my new toys. It was my boyfriend's Christmas with his family and I got alot of fun gift like clothes, picture frames, and a subscription for a box of snacks to get mailed to me. <BR> <BR> I must say my boyfriend's gift topped all the other generous gifts. He got me a Garmin watch. For those non-runners, it's a watch that tells me my pace, distance, calories burned and wha... Sun, 21 Dec 2014 16:10:50 EST Need to Get Strict with Myself Even through I juggled two jobs while going to college, it was so much easier to fit working out in. Most times I'd do it in between classes. Now that I am an adult, it is so much harder. I get two choices - before or after work. Either way, I am tired when I do it. The last couple weeks, I have been going through a daily cycle of procrastination. It goes like this. <BR> <BR> 10:00 pm: Sets alarms for 5:45 am. <BR> 5:45 am: Reset alarm for 7:00 am and get up at 7:00 am for work. <BR> 7:00 a... Tue, 9 Dec 2014 21:28:55 EST Pivotable Point? Nothing like coming home to a note to call your landlord to get your anxiety up and running. Basically, he was wondering if I was going to renew my lease in June. Apparently, he's has alot of people asking about availability. It'd be my third year in my apartment if I renewed. <BR> <BR> Ironically, this weekend I brought up (again) to my boyfriend about moving in together. On one hand, I understand some of his reasons such as he can't afford to move because rent is lower by himself than us ... Mon, 8 Dec 2014 18:53:02 EST Spicy Hamburger Soup I really struggle with food. I truly love it - good or bad food. I love it all. This week I decided to make spicy hamburger potato soup. It was very fulfilling but I don't think it's a healthy item at all. I came to that conclusion at work today when I heated it up and all the fat was coming to the top. Than, I promptly I got a tummy ache (probably from all the fat). I think this is one recipe I will limit myself on. Soups are always so hard for me. They either aren't filling or are too many... Wed, 3 Dec 2014 18:32:01 EST Fit Camp Yesterday, I went to the first day of Fit Camp. <BR> <BR> Everyone was really nice and welcoming. For whatever reason, I didn't feel out of place or like everyone was watching me fail at my exercises. Maybe it helped that the two body builders in the class were whining out loud what I thinking inside my head somewhat. However, when they did it, it was humorous and I knew I wasn't alone. <BR> <BR> We did however many reps we could do in a set time of 30, 60, or 90 seconds. Maybe this is wh... Tue, 2 Dec 2014 23:31:19 EST Starting December Right! Today I decided to track and will try to continue this. I am pretty excited. It's 5:30 pm and I am at 1450ish with my range of 1400-1700. I think I might be might be stay in range. This morning I skipped the banana in the cereal than stopping somewhere for morning coffee. Who knows how many calories are in a cup of coffee these days? It's not like I just drink it black. <em>40</em> <BR> <BR> Right now I am trying to resist my craving for chocolate. In fact, I popped a piece of gum to get... Mon, 1 Dec 2014 18:47:15 EST A New Ending I am not sure if everyone can understand this. <BR> <BR> I have been a success story. <BR> I have lost 100 pounds. <BR> Maintained for two years. <BR> <BR> And, sometimes I know don't if I want it back. Than, sometimes I do want it all back. This is a mental struggle I have fought in the last couple months. <BR> <BR> I realize I don't want to feel guilty about eating cake. I don't want the saggy skin on my tummy. I do want my solid legs from hours of running. I want to run half marath... Sun, 30 Nov 2014 22:19:50 EST Touching Base Thank you everyone for making my last blog post a top blog for Sparkpeople. I did read all the comments and it's a great reminder how supportive everyone is here. <em>304</em> <BR> <BR> This weekend has been emotional. <BR> <BR> We found out that someone I knew when I was in 4-H as a kid lost her cancer battle. Just a week ago, she found out her breast cancer moved to her brain. She decided not to go on chemo again. She passed this weekend. <BR> <BR> Than, yesterday I found out a fri... Sun, 30 Nov 2014 18:24:37 EST When It Ain't Broke, Don't Try Fixin' It So, for the last week, I have been cheating on Sparkpeople and been tracking on My Fitness Pal. I know how to cheat on Sparkpeople with my calories but I guess I am really cheating myself. Anyhow, I gained THREE pounds in the last week. I think it's sufficient to say My Fitness Pal is not working. <BR> <BR> I know what works. Sparkpeople. I did lose 100 pounds and I need to stick with it. <BR> <BR> Also, I know it's the support I really need as my self esteem has really taken a hit in the... Mon, 24 Nov 2014 19:54:43 EST Doing It Differently One of my qualities, good or bad, is that I am a deep thinker. I think about a lot of things and lately, I have been thinking about my journey. For most of my journey, I was focused on the number on the scale or compliments from friends and family. These are considered extrinsic motivators. They were much like the junk food I was liking to wean myself off. I would feel good for a moment or two but it never stuck. When I got to my maintenance weight, I realized I still wasn't happy. <BR> <BR... Sat, 22 Nov 2014 16:48:20 EST New Job and November Goals Recently I accepted a new job and I am really excited for this new opportunity. I am not even sure where to start with the positive things about the position. There is just so many things that it just feels good. <BR> <BR> - Positive working environment from the sounds of it <BR> - No more working overnights <BR> - Resume skill builder <BR> - Experience with physical therapist to see if I really want to do it <BR> - About $1-2 dollar higher pay per hour which means I can afford health insu... Wed, 29 Oct 2014 10:07:07 EST A Lesson in Loving Yourself I give love unconditionally to everyone I meet but to myself. For whatever reason, I struggle to love myself. I thought it would happen after losing weight and becoming the perfect body media promised me. As I got to my goal weight, it seems the hatred for my stomach grew. <BR> <BR> Every morning, I would wake up, stand in front of the mirror and just hate myself. I would look at that flaw and never appreciate the rest of me. I knew I needed to accept my stomach but just couldn't. Maybe it w... Sun, 5 Oct 2014 11:13:12 EST Some days you just have to tell your inner voice to be quiet! Some days you just have to tell your inner voice to be quiet. This morning I did that exact thing! <BR> <BR> Work was very stressful. I don't really want to go more into that on a public blog. Let's just say I was so stressed and felt like puking, lol. <BR> <BR> I know what I needed... the gym! I needed to run, hop, lift... whatever I had to do. I knew if I didn't go, I'd be craving carbs and sweets later and that's just dangerous cycle. So, I worked out after being on my feet, walking, a... Sun, 24 Aug 2014 09:46:45 EST Quick Update Time seems so elusive these days. I've been wanting/needing to write a blog but I seem to be always running out of time. So, I am going to try to make this short and sweet! <BR> <BR> Today, I weighed in at 205.8. Thanks to my new job as an overnight CNA where I walk and lift people alot, I have lost almost 10 pounds. It really helps that besides the negative nelly co worker, it hasn't been as stressful as Americorp VISTA was for me! <em>244</em> <BR> <BR> So, basically, I am not cravin... Wed, 20 Aug 2014 19:33:36 EST Pensive I have been doing alot of thinking this week. <BR> <BR> It started with rethinking my choice to work as a CNA as an Assisted Living Residence and entertained the idea to go back to school for Physical Therapist Assistant. I found I was really unhappy. After some reflection, I realized I am not happy at all with the job. In fact, I like it. I am unhappy with the co-worker I will be mainly working with. Basically, every time we would work with a resident or about to enter their room, she'd be... Thu, 31 Jul 2014 09:03:22 EST Today's Mission Since my hips were still sore from yesterday's run, I decided I would try to put up my curtains myself. It was a work out by itself! It would have been nicer to have an extra hand. I don't really know anyone and my boyfriend lives 30 minutes away. Besides it is like pulling teeth getting him to leave his place... so I did it myself, lol. <BR> <BR> The mission... <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> The curtains to turn my home into a cave... <BR... Sat, 19 Jul 2014 21:10:31 EST First Day Last night was my first night working as a CNA. I will be working NOCs. Pretty much as soon as I heard I got the job and knew I'd have to change my sleeping schedule, I started to work on my sleeping schedule. This means I wasn't tired. Tonight will be night two so we will see if I get tired tonight. Last night, I invested in some curtains. Sometime this week I will have to figure out how to get them up. <BR> <BR> Tonight, I was thinking I might want to try tracking calories again. But, sin... Sat, 19 Jul 2014 08:16:26 EST Frustrated Just yesterday I posted a blog about being down two pounds and weighing in at 213.8. Today, I weighed in at 216. There is no way, Jose, that I gained THREE pounds over night. I know it was too much mac and cheese and salted pretzels. <BR> <BR> I am so frustrated and mad. Frustrated at myself for weighing in. I am now measuring my tummy measures the same so I don't know what that dumb scale is talking about. Mad at society for making women feel less worthy because they are overweight. <BR> ... Wed, 16 Jul 2014 17:14:30 EST Two Pounds Down It has been two weeks since my committed ending as an Americorp and it feels <em>345</em> ! Not only am I happier overall, I am starting to lose weight. With this morning's weigh in, I am down TWO pounds. SP shows one because they round up. Don't they know there is no rounding up in this weight business, lol. <BR> <BR> If I can just keep up with losing one pound a week, I could drop this week by next summer! That would be awesome if I could fit into my summer dresses by than! And, maybe e... Tue, 15 Jul 2014 20:03:16 EST I love feeling happy again! I am really happy to announce that for the first time in like year, I am feeling like myself - happy and not stressed. It is wonderful. It is like, "Ahh, here I am." For the last year, I have been in such a stressful situation that it has bogged me down. I knew stress is bad but this work stress has felt like a handicap in it's self. <BR> <BR> I am so happy that I do not work in that environment anymore and am starting to feel happy and like I have the ability to get healthy. I am no longer... Thu, 10 Jul 2014 00:06:28 EST