THECRAZYMANGO's SparkPeople Blog THECRAZYMANGO's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community 2017 Goals It's the first day of the month, end of one year and start of a new one. With fresh beginnings, I like to share some upcoming goals and plans for 2017. Somehow I have misplaced my dedication to a healthy lifestyle where I was eating fruits and vegetables and working out daily. This year I would like to be able to re-commit myself and at the end of the year I've succeeded. Yes, I've gained weight but it's more than that. I feel I miss me. Essentially, my main goal is to not feel tempted by... Thu, 1 Dec 2016 08:12:04 EST Overwhelmed with Stress My stress is seriously out of hand which means my eating is out of hand. I am eating foods that I KNOW I shouldn't have... like half my box of swiss roll cakes. Often my anxiety is so high after everything calms down that I feel like I am suffocating. I am taking one anti-depression and I have PRN anxiety. I should take the PRN more often. I know working out would help alot but honestly I don't WHEN to do it. I am not a morning person but I need to make supper when I get home. <BR> <BR> I h... Tue, 21 Jun 2016 19:29:41 EST Hurts to MOVE In my last blog, I think I mentioned how I wasn't motivated to work out. I don't think I gave you guys my full story. In the last year, my legs have been hurting alot. It tends to bounce around. One day it's my hip flexors. Another day it will be my ankles. Or calves. It comes down to that I need to stretch. The PT that I work for has told me that. He has also told me something is weak but didn't tell me what that "something" would be. It is so frustrating. I wake up with my hips hurting and ... Thu, 16 Jun 2016 19:13:27 EST Feeling Dirty Today I was all excited to get home and finally try out the Luluroe that came in the mail! I've heard so much about it and finally I got to try it. It was thick and tight. And, I feel like a moose and pregnant. I know that is my securities coming out. Lately, I feel disgusting as I keep gaining weight. <BR> <BR> I know I have been stress eating. Who wouldn't be? My procedure came back as a CIN 3 which is high grade of precanerous cells. There is no higher grade than this before cancer. I wi... Mon, 13 Jun 2016 19:22:05 EST Colposcopy This morning I went to my colposcopy. Basically, the Obgyn magnifies my cervix to see if there are any abnormal cells or areas. Sometimes they take a biopsy if they can't see as well or if there are some abnormal cells. Unfortunately for me she took one because of abnormal cells. I will find out in 4-5 days if it is mild or moderate. *sigh* If it's moderate, I will go back for a LEEP. <BR> <BR> I know she said even if it is moderate it won't turn into cancer overnight. It'd take 5-7 years. W... Tue, 7 Jun 2016 11:05:29 EST Reminders I have been every size between 10 and 24 and have seen how people treat women in each of these sizes. Some good, some bad. Today I was reminded how people are overweight are treated. I realize I am the biggest person in our department. Ironically, I am the most active at the job and out of the job. Anyhow, I walked through the occupational therapy side to get a cupcake and our knee patient was like, "Don't eat too many." [Ironically, I brought a salad to work.] He doesn't know me, my past or ... Mon, 6 Jun 2016 18:36:18 EST Annual Physical Results I am trying to do testing for my cholesterol and diabetes every year. My family has a history of these and I want to keep an eye on them. It comes down to that I am healthy. YAY! <BR> <BR> Cholesterol 167 <BR> Tris 52 <BR> Non HDL 90 <BR> LDL 80 <BR> HDL 77 <BR> A1C 4.9 <BR> TSH 3.12 <BR> <BR> Honestly, it feels good that my numbers got better despite still having this extra weight. Guess that means I am living healthy - just eating too much of it. Gonna try to hone in on that. My bf and I ... Mon, 2 May 2016 19:35:32 EST I Can Do Better So yesterday I woke a lovely blog with the app than it wasn't there. It was basically about how I moved to a new apartment with my boyfriend and how I am adjusting. I cannot wait to get back to normal schedule. I'd love to get back to five times a week with working out. Something I have really struggled with since moving here to this town. <BR> <BR> Since moving to this area and gained 50 pounds, I have struggled being happy with me. I think part of it is I feel I failed because I gained som... Fri, 22 Apr 2016 20:01:57 EST Going Sans Gym Membership I have been thinking about cancelling my gym membership. In the last few months I have struggled to want to go to this gym in which I found out today I have used it for a total of 28 times for three months. Part of it is me but the other part is the weight equipment I want is almost never available and the staff, I feel, has an ego. It was better when the owner was there but he isn't there as much and I just don't like going in. I cannot tell you how many times I have drove to the gym, saw ho... Sat, 5 Mar 2016 14:55:51 EST Class Today As I have mentioned before I am attending a tech college to become a Physical Therapy Assistant which is an associate's degree. The last two semesters I have really struggled with these classes. I suspected I was bored by them. <BR> <BR> Tonight I decided I was right. My professor was sick so we got a sub which happens to be the dean of the department. I actually really enjoyed the class (despite two girls talking next to me the whole time). My brain was given challenging, new information th... Wed, 2 Mar 2016 21:12:14 EST Depression & Anxiety I don't talk about this very often anymore but today I will. My depression and anxiety. <BR> <BR> In the last two weeks, it has increased and I suspect it has to do with my new co-worker. Besides being insubordinate, she is really negative. I really struggle with protecting myself from negativity. This negativity gets bottled in me until the end of the day. <BR> <BR> At that point, it comes down to three things which I am not keen on any of them. The three things are breaking down in tea... Tue, 1 Mar 2016 15:32:26 EST Carbs... When Did They Become the Enemy? This has been on my mind for the last month. When did carbs become the enemy? <BR> <BR> Last month I felt my eating got out of hand and thought I'd work with a nutritionist. I clearly said in our first meeting, "I want to learn how to eat normal." He promptly put me on the Paleo diet. Hear me loud and clear there is nothing wrong with Paleo if it works for you. I told him how much I walk and run. I literally need fuel. We parted ways. <BR> <BR> Unfortunately, I still eat that way and stil... Mon, 29 Feb 2016 20:41:00 EST Self Care It can be so hard to do self care. I am proud that I decided to work less and take a loan out so I can do these classes. I didn't even see it before... Today was the first day for getting off at noon. I made have not been super productive but I did some self care like getting most the dishes done, getting a massage, and going to the group run. I'm so calm and relaxed. I haven't been like this for nearly two weeks so I'm glad I made those changes. I also realize I can strength train in Tue... Thu, 25 Feb 2016 23:06:43 EST Exercise Required (Not Optional) As I seek out advice through different avenues, people asked about decreasing my amount of exercise and many have referred to it as recreation or optional. It is not optional but a requirement. Even through I DO enjoy it, it is a daily requirement. We live in such a world that it is okay to take a pill for depression rather than mental self care. I CAN maintain my depression with running and exercise. That is the other thing that people seem to forget. I DO have depression. It is no joke. It ... Sun, 21 Feb 2016 16:00:02 EST Overwhelmed with Life I really don't know where to start. I am so overwhelmed with negative emotions - stress, anger, and sadness. Because I struggle with accepting to feel these emotions, I have emotionally ate so much this week, particularly yesterday. I cannot believe I actually ate all the junk I did yesterday. <BR> <BR> One thing I am dealing with is trying to work full time and attend school part time. I have asked how they did it and they are just like "I just did." I have met with an academic adviser and... Sat, 20 Feb 2016 12:19:51 EST I like mornings? It has come to my attention that I DO like working out in the morning. Last week I worked out twice in the morning and I really liked it. I felt proud for getting it done before work and it was nice to just go home and relax. In a few weeks, I will be juggling working full time and school part time. <BR> <BR> Not only because it will make it easier, I realized I like going in the morning. I tried going tonight after my nutritionist's meeting but just did not feel it. I was tired and just wa... Wed, 30 Dec 2015 21:20:06 EST Do people ever really understand? Do people ever really understand how it means to lose weight and to keep it off? So often good meaning friends and family will say "Just have one, it won't hurt anything" or "Have a rest day". I get what they are saying it is okay to have a break. But for those have been quite large they know just one can turn into many. The only time it has turned into something great is when I lost 100 lbs. <BR> <BR> Today my boyfriend told me well you can have a rest day after I told him how I struggled ... Sat, 12 Dec 2015 13:00:59 EST Weight Loss Thoughts... Today I had Thanksgiving with my boyfriend's family - parents and brother and sister-in-law. His dad has lost 130 pounds and he likes to talk about what he has learned in his journey. Even through I lost my weight here and he lost his through the VA MOVE program, we have similar lessons. <BR> <BR> One thing that the father has said is how there is no where way around losing weight without counting calories. There is such a truth to this. I know this deep down. Tonight I changed my nutrition... Sun, 29 Nov 2015 20:03:48 EST Finding My Way Back to My Goal Weight Tonight I decided I would ask the trainer to take a photo of me to see if I made progress from when the other trainer took a photo of me in April. Honestly, I don't really see a difference. I am not saying that to get compliments. I just don't really see the difference. Actually, I do. I am happier. I am stronger. I can deadlift 160#. I can run 8-10 miles on a whim. I run half marathons. That is nothing to sneeze at. <BR> <BR> Here are the two photos. The first one is in April and the secon... Mon, 23 Nov 2015 22:55:09 EST Goal: Strength and Speed Whenever I think of goals it seems that I question the goals. <BR> <BR> Is this too lofty? <BR> Is this achievable? <BR> Are you sure we can do this? <BR> <BR> Recently, I ran a half marathon and I was just sooooooooo slooow. Frankly, I am tired of being slow. People walk faster than I RUN. I know it is important that I am moving but geez I hate telling people my pace. I shouldn't be embarrassed of my pace. <BR> <BR> A few days before the half marathon, I got a heavy lifting program fr... Fri, 13 Nov 2015 20:19:10 EST Circle of Inspiration I have struggled with inspiring others as a positive thing. It always seems to be said in a way of "Well, if you can do it, so can I!" To me, I hear an insult. <BR> <BR> Putting that aside, I have been hearing how I am inspiring and am remembering how it feel TO INSPIRE. It feels good that I am doing my thing and they think I am doing an awesome job that they want to do it as well. It is typically when I am doing it because I, no one else, wants to. <BR> <BR> In the past, it was my weight... Thu, 24 Sep 2015 21:23:00 EST My Day Today was an interesting day! <BR> <BR> I got mopey sometime in the afternoon. It is always hard to tell if it is real feelings or depression episode rearing it's ugly head. It might be a bit of both as I start to process that the break up is real. <BR> <BR> I went to the gym prior to meeting up with my friend. At first, it was really hard to get out of the sad funk but slowly it happened. I even got more energy. Before she got there, I did a hour of exercise than did another 30 minutes o... Wed, 23 Sep 2015 22:17:23 EST A New Sparker Today I had an amazing day - than again every day I run is amazing - and ran 11 miles on a trail with a friend. It would have been hard either way as it was hilly. But, I ran 3 miles and lifted yesterday. Wowsa! But, we got it done. Afterwards we ate in the small town we visited and they had amazing homemade food. Seriously, the pie was like my own Grandma made it. Just amazing! <BR> <BR> My friend and I talk about exercise, food and weight loss. She inspired me to get refocused with Sparkp... Sun, 20 Sep 2015 20:07:09 EST Finding Mr. Right Since breaking up with my boyfriend, I have given it alot of thought of want I really want. I learned there are just some things I cannot compromise on and I was doing more compromising with my ex than I realized. <BR> <BR> It was never bad but I no longer wanted to try to be someone I just wasn't. He wanted me to have long hair because short hair according him looked like boys. He told me that my tattoos were white trash. He hated my running. <BR> <BR> Maybe he started to suffocate me. B... Sat, 19 Sep 2015 00:55:40 EST A New Week I am so glad it is a new week. A new week means new beginnings. <BR> <BR> With still working the Y until Friday, I worked Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday from 8:30-4 than 6:00-10:00 pm. I didn't really have alot of time to myself so come Friday night, I was stressed to the max. I was going to go to my Grandma's memorial at her church (she passed a few years ago) but I had to miss it. I needed to stay here to do homework. It was not a fun decision but I had to do what is best for me. <BR> <B... Sun, 13 Sep 2015 23:07:01 EST God's Rewards A month ago, I felt God was testing me by the comments by my than bf was saying. Simply put, they just weren't very nice. It took me a few weeks but I finally broke it off. <BR> <BR> Not only am I happier but I feel rewarded by God. The first day back to work from the Ragnar all the co-workers and even some of the patients were asking me about it. Than, I got a hair cut and I swear I got like 50 compliments that day and that's not even an exaggeration. <BR> <BR> It feel like God was showe... Mon, 24 Aug 2015 17:54:49 EST Motivated to Lift I am just so excited! I am 201.4 today so I am hoping to get back into onerland this week or next! I swear I broke up my ex and it released so much weight. <BR> <BR> SOOO excited! <BR> <BR> I have also noticed I have an energy I haven't had for a looooong time. It's MY energy and makes me feel like ME. <BR> <BR> Today I am going to lift something heavy. <em>344</em> I haven't really done strength training except for wtih my trainer for a long time. Tomorrow I'll run long - I think my... Sat, 22 Aug 2015 11:56:28 EST Eating Better Single This past weekend was life changing for me as I had Ragnar (coming back this weekend to tell you about it) and broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. We had our troubles but it wasn't terrible in the end. I just couldn't do it anymore. There's alot to it. <BR> <BR> One thing I tried to compromise with how to be healthy with him. It just did not work... like ever. I could work out and stuff but I don't know if he truly supported me. Also, we'd eat burgers and steaks on the weekends. I think ... Thu, 20 Aug 2015 23:48:03 EST Trying out the app... I've tried the app off and on but love the newest update. I can blog from it in my phone. Pretty awesome! In other news, my boyfriend is being odd. He told me to track which he doesnt ever. As he says he doesn't care. Tonight I can't be willy nilly and track whenever I want. There is a truth to that. Oddly today I was thinking I need to do something different, try a new program. Maybe I need to just keep with this and be strict with myself. Sat, 8 Aug 2015 22:27:20 EST Keep At It Yesterday I worked at the Y and one of the past workers came in. He is now a personal trainer at a different gym. I am really envious of him. He loves his job. I want that. I yearn for that. <BR> <BR> I am not sure if being a Physical Therapy Assistant will give me that sasification at the end of the day. Right now I really don't like going to work but I think that's because there's not a moment of rest (basically walking all day) and the other Rehab Clerk makes everything a contest. My stre... Wed, 5 Aug 2015 09:11:42 EST Try Again Another Day Last night I set the alarm across the room to get up at 6 am. My phone's alarm went off but not across the room. Basically, I reset it and went back to bed, lol. <BR> <BR> I am actually okay with this. I was sore from yesterday's run and today I work 8:30-5:00 at one job and than 6:00-10:00 at another job. Tuesdays and Fridays I give myself freebies for not working out. I know in September I will need to get more strict. <BR> <BR> Tomorrow I might try again in the morning. Even if I get u... Tue, 4 Aug 2015 08:52:46 EST Onto the Next Adventure... In just two short weeks, I will doing my next adventure and running a Ragnar Relay. A Ragnar Relay is a race where 12 people run 200 miles between Friday and Saturday. Each runner has three legs. My legs are 8, 5, and 3, I think. <BR> <BR> Since April I have been leading my 5K running group on Mondays and it's been hot in June and July. I feel it has been really conditioning me and getting me ready for the hotness of the race. I actually can kinda run in the heat. Some of my teammates are s... Mon, 3 Aug 2015 22:03:41 EST August Goals My boyfriend's part in my goal to strive for a healthy lifestyle is very interesting. It's like he doesn't want to admit to being healthy or even wanting to be healthy. But, it seems like he does. <BR> <BR> He will let me decide what we eat. If I choose to be healthy, than we eat healthy. If fruits and veggies are available (i.e. in his refrigerator) than he will eat it. He even likes to bike. Someday I'd like to learn so we can go together on the weekends. He'd be in heaven and I'd be, too... Sun, 2 Aug 2015 21:35:01 EST I went skydiving! When I reached losing 100#, I promised myself I would go skydiving. If I can lose 100#, I can go skydiving. One year passed than two and still didn't go. Than, I moved, gained some weight, and an opportunity to go skydiving for cancer presented it's self. <BR> <BR> I saw a flyer in the gas station about Jumps for Hope. Jumps for Hope is a local non-profit organization where you raise money for cancer research and families fighting cancer. Some of it goes to helping them pay off their cancer... Sat, 25 Jul 2015 22:51:51 EST Half Marathon #4 Well, this weekend I ran half marathon #4 and already am looking to run #5 and #6 at the end of summer or beginning of fall. The last time I ran a half was two years ago. <BR> <BR> It was my slowest time of all my halfs but I just got back into running six months ago and am 40 pounds heavier. I took these things in account. I still had alot of fun and was just happy to be running it. It is kind of funny because volunteers and spectators were surprised I was so chipper. Why would I run a rac... Mon, 4 May 2015 21:57:03 EST Easy Button Today was one of those days that was hard on my self esteem. I tend to feel not liked by some of my co-workers because I am not super fit and sexy where my co-worker is like a size 2. It doesn't seem to matter that she's ditzy. <BR> <BR> Today one of the guys I work with implied that I was not smart. It hurt. He is one of them that dotes on this girl and I swear it is because she is pretty. <BR> <BR> Maybe I am envious. Or maybe I see it how it is. That pretty girls and boys get the easy ... Fri, 17 Apr 2015 22:51:42 EST God's Lesson: My Destiny is to Inspire When I moved three hours away from my home, I had alot of doubts about the job. Something about the job didn't feel right. As time went on, I knew my doubts were right but was sticking it out for the bonus award. I never made friends or really explored the town. The co-worker was very negative about this area and it's activities. In that time, I paid a price of gaining weight and losing some of my self esteem. I now know I should have listened to intuition. <BR> <BR> In the last year, I hav... Thu, 9 Apr 2015 21:10:13 EST Low Sugar Levels Whenever I struggle with this journey, people say "Don't worry you got this. You did this before. You can do it again." The thing is sometimes I have no idea how I ever did it the first time. Like today. I don't know how I lost weight with this sugar issue. It seems there is a fine line between staying in calorie range and my sugar is crashing. <BR> <BR> Today was one of those days. I was going to try to be healthy today at lunch. I was so proud but it didn't work out for me. I went to DQ a... Wed, 11 Mar 2015 22:09:15 EST Beast Mode Exercise is oil for the body and my body is humming happiness tonight. I know it's the endorphins coursing through my body and I love it, haha! Tonight I broke into beast mode. I got off work early tonight and worked out it was time to meet with the trainer. This means I went for a hour walk outside (it was beautiful!), did 25 minutes on the spin bike and than met with my trainer for 30 minutes. <BR> <BR> I love that I have energy after work to work out. And, more energy everyday. I used to... Mon, 9 Mar 2015 20:54:46 EST Size Judgements As you all pretty have learned by now, I struggle with the extra weight. Today was the perfect example of exactly why. Basically, it comes with that people don't understand I was small once and I feel like my fellow co-workers don't believe I was small, that I run, lift or even exercise or eat healthy. <BR> <BR> It kinda came up today. I mentioned to a patient she looked like she was doing yoga (well, because it did look that way) which than I was asked if I do yoga. I said I do and all tha... Sat, 7 Mar 2015 00:06:51 EST Figuring Out the Struggles This week I have been writing down my food in a journal and have done it for the last seven days. This is usually where I start to skip and falter. Most days I have stayed between 1600-1800 with a a few days around 2300. Over the weekend I was upset with myself being around 2400 because I forgot what range I should be at. I now realize it wasn't that bad. Especially since I have been working out on both Saturday and Sunday with a long run on Sundays. Long runs these days are 6 miles or more. ... Wed, 4 Mar 2015 21:19:36 EST Hired a Trainer! It's so weird to not go over to my boyfriend's like I do every weekend. He's not feeling well and he doesn't like company when that is the case. It's a challenge for me to understand because 1) I want cuddles when I don't feel good 2) I feel insecure that he's pushing me away (from past experiences) even through I know that is not the case. <BR> <BR> This does mean my day is wide open! For the last six or so Saturdays, I clean up my place (how does it get so messy during the week?), run my ... Sat, 28 Feb 2015 13:03:52 EST New Girl I always knew that this second journey would be harder and different. Yet at the same time, I thought I'd be doing it much like before but now how it's different. Before I seemed to seek solitude with my workouts after being around people in classes and working at the Y. <BR> <BR> But now that I work full time, I seek group exercise and even like it. Most likely because I seek people like me that love exercise and can shop talk exercise with. I find I love yoga after a stressful day is not ... Mon, 23 Feb 2015 21:34:03 EST Even the lab tests says I am healthy! My Valentine's Day started off with some self love by getting my blood drawn for a cholesterol check and than running five miles for my half marathon training. It feels good that I have been putting myself first and it just makes me more relaxed for the time my boyfriend and I do spend together. <BR> <BR> On top of that NSV, my labs came back and it shows my cholesterol was EXCELLENT. It makes me wonder what it was at previous weights of 260 and than 160. <BR> <BR> See for yourself... <BR... Mon, 16 Feb 2015 20:21:58 EST Sugar Hangover The last two weeks I feel I have done pretty well and the scale even reflected it. Even through some of it is probably water retention, I went from 209 to 205. I felt really good about it and like I am getting back to who I was. <BR> <BR> Than, the last two days have been bad with eating <BR> <BR> I have been eating over my calorie range which I have been able to stay in for the last two weeks. Yesterday I ate SIX cupcakes. I don't think I have ate processed sugar for two weeks. Just have ... Tue, 10 Feb 2015 20:30:31 EST A Different Lifestyle This week I am realizing I am going through a different lifestyle change. I thought this time I was redoing my journey but I am not. In fact, I was pretty down on myself about it. But, I am realizing it IS different. It has different challenges. <BR> <BR> The first time around I was learning what it means to exercise and eat healthy while I was in college. Now I feel like I am going through new challenges. I am no longer in college and now work full time with regular hours. This means I no l... Tue, 3 Feb 2015 21:26:50 EST Identity Two years ago, I moved to a different town, four hours away from where I was keeping residence. I was excited to make a new start and to meet new people that didn't see me as inspiration. I didn't want to be an inspiration to anyone. I did it for myself - not for the praise or to inspire others. What does that even mean to inspire someone? <BR> <BR> Now two years later and fifty pounds later, I feel so lost and unhappy. Most days I just go to work, wish it was over, go home, watch TV until i... Tue, 27 Jan 2015 20:40:44 EST Second Chance Today I am proud of myself. I went to Gentle Yoga with much less anxiety about group exercise than there has been in the past. So, even through much of this feels like I am starting over, I still am me and still have my lessons. It was the first of many group exercise classes in January as I signed up for unlimited classes for $30. It was kinda nice to have a sorta appointment to work out as you have to register you will be at the group exercise class. <BR> <BR> I have been kinda on the fen... Mon, 29 Dec 2014 21:23:08 EST Christmas 2014 and 2015 Goals Here I sit, watching for my body to get energy to go for a run. Not sure why I am so tired but I am excited to play with my new toys. It was my boyfriend's Christmas with his family and I got alot of fun gift like clothes, picture frames, and a subscription for a box of snacks to get mailed to me. <BR> <BR> I must say my boyfriend's gift topped all the other generous gifts. He got me a Garmin watch. For those non-runners, it's a watch that tells me my pace, distance, calories burned and wha... Sun, 21 Dec 2014 16:10:50 EST Need to Get Strict with Myself Even through I juggled two jobs while going to college, it was so much easier to fit working out in. Most times I'd do it in between classes. Now that I am an adult, it is so much harder. I get two choices - before or after work. Either way, I am tired when I do it. The last couple weeks, I have been going through a daily cycle of procrastination. It goes like this. <BR> <BR> 10:00 pm: Sets alarms for 5:45 am. <BR> 5:45 am: Reset alarm for 7:00 am and get up at 7:00 am for work. <BR> 7:00 a... Tue, 9 Dec 2014 21:28:55 EST