SUNSHINE65's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=SUNSHINE65 SUNSHINE65's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ late nite funnees http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6170224 "There was a brief security scare yesterday when some party balloons drifted over the White House fence. The White House staff were pretty worried, especially when they saw Obama tying those balloons to a lawn chair." -Jimmy Fallon <BR> <BR> *** <BR> <BR> "A new study has found that beautiful people have totally different life experiences from the rest of you. I'm sorry, I meant the rest of us." -Conan O'Brien <BR> <BR> *** <BR> <BR> "Papa John's salads were among several hundred product... Wed, 25 May 2016 15:15:59 EST "Federal Benefit Payment!" http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6128759 The Social Security check is now (or soon will be) referred to as a "Federal Benefit Payment!" <BR> <BR> I'll be part of the one percent to forward this. I am forwarding it because it touches a nerve in me, and I hope it will in you. <BR> <BR> Please keep passing it on until everyone in our country has read it. <BR> <BR> The government is now referring to our Social Security checks as a "Federal Benefit Payment." This isn't a benefit. It is our money paid out ... Sun, 27 Mar 2016 16:30:53 EST Still feeling the effects of the time change? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6120907 "Every appliance with a clock should have a Daylight Savings button to push. You'd only use it twice a year, but that's more than I use the 'Potato' button on my microwave." -Jimmy Kimmel <BR> <BR> *** <BR> <BR> "It's Daylight Savings Time. Why does it have to happen on the weekend? Why can't they do it on a Wednesday at 4:00? 'Hey look, now it's 5:00. Time to go home!'"-Stephen Colbert Wed, 16 Mar 2016 20:03:34 EST How to wash a cat http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6112781 1 Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. <BR> 2 Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom. <BR> 3 In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid. <BR> 4 At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet: the cat is actually enjoying this! <BR> 5 Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-... Sun, 6 Mar 2016 17:34:57 EST Best Thing Ever To Happen To A Racist Man In A Bar. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6112313 A racist walks into a crowded bar. He looks around and sees a black man sitting in a corner. <BR> <BR> The racist walks up to the bar, turns around and announces, "I'm going to buy everyone in this bar a free drink, except for that black guy over there!" Everybody is clapping and cheering for the racist and when he buys the last pint, the black man turns around, puts his thumb up and says, "Thanks mate!" <BR> <BR> The racist is slightly puzzled by his reaction but doesn't pay too much atten... Sun, 6 Mar 2016 01:11:06 EST Irishman Says Something He Shouldn’t Have About His Wife At The Pub. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6105076 John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!' That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! <BR> <BR> He went home and told his wife, 'Mary, I won the prize for the Best toast of the night!' <BR> <BR> She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?' <BR> <BR> John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.' <BR> <BR> 'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Ma... Fri, 26 Feb 2016 01:27:19 EST A letter from the Post Office...this is absolutely the best!! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6095883 <img src="http://photosaws.sparkpeople.com/guid/18e3389b-3986-4c3b-843d-ed7e7e0906b5.jpg"> <BR> Our 14-year-old dog Abbey died last month. <BR> The day after she passed away my 4-year-old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. <BR> She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. <BR> I told her that I thought we could so, and she dictated these words: <BR> <BR> Dear God, <BR> Will you please... Sun, 14 Feb 2016 18:14:16 EST What it's like to have cataracts http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6095350 <img src="http://photosaws.sparkpeople.com/guid/1273f1cf-325e-4f63-acbc-57bffcc22219.jpg"> Sat, 13 Feb 2016 22:51:53 EST Perks of Old Age http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6091687 <img src="http://photosaws.sparkpeople.com/guid/d87da545-04f0-4bb8-bcd8-184cfc2c7fb9.jpg"> Tue, 9 Feb 2016 09:58:03 EST Mom Is Shocked When This Naked Woman Waved At Her Three Young Children. But Her Son’s Reply Is Hyste http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6090413 1) NUDITY <BR> <BR> My kids have always been observant of their surroundings, but they tend to pick out details no one else would notice. I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!" <BR> <BR> 2) OPINIONS <BR> <BR> On the first day of school, a first-grader hand... Sun, 7 Feb 2016 21:23:21 EST Life is Short... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6079561 <img src="http://photosaws.sparkpeople.com/guid/2ddeb6cb-15dc-4710-9d4c-0261af2350f4.jpg"> Tue, 26 Jan 2016 10:03:09 EST Late Night Jokes for January 22 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6076639 Late Night Funny #1 <BR> <BR> Yesterday in Iowa, Sarah Palin gave a 20-minute speech to endorse Donald Trump for president, while Trump stood off to the side. Palin described Trump as a great leader, while Trump described being quiet for 20 minutes as the most painful experience of his life. -Jimmy Fallon <BR> <BR> Late Night Funny #2 <BR> <BR> Critics are calling Sarah Palin’s endorsement speech of Donald Trump "bizarre," "meandering," and "mystifying." In other words, she’s still got it.... Fri, 22 Jan 2016 22:31:12 EST The Sandpiper by Robert Peterson http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6076465 She was six years old when I first met her on the beach near where I live. I drive to this beach, a distance of three or four miles, whenever the world begins to close in on me. She was building a sand castle or something and looked up, her eyes as blue as the sea. <BR> "Hello," she said. <BR> I answered with a nod, not really in the mood to bother with a small child. <BR> "I'm building," she said. <BR> "I see that. What is it?" I asked, not really caring. <BR> "Oh, I d... Fri, 22 Jan 2016 17:45:15 EST That sneeze http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6076459 <img src="http://photosaws.sparkpeople.com/guid/bfe69b2d-56c3-47c6-94cf-d4d2b64a902f.jpg"> Fri, 22 Jan 2016 17:30:06 EST The Lone Ranger http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6074636 In honor of Black History month: Check out this website: <BR> <BR> <link>politicalblindspot.com/the-real-lone<BR>-ranger-was-an-african-american-lawman<BR>-who-lived-with-native-american-indians/ </link> <BR> <BR> Or copy and paste: <BR> <BR> http://politicalblindspot.com/the-real-l<BR>one-ranger-was-an-african-american-law<BR>man-who-lived-with-native-american-indians/ Wed, 20 Jan 2016 14:47:43 EST She Just Wanted To Protect Her House. But This Cab Driver Is Now Terrified http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6069900 My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. <BR> <BR> Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. <BR> <BR> When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrie... Fri, 15 Jan 2016 05:34:39 EST The Most Embarrassing Taco Bell Visit Ever. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6068707 This Kid Is Priceless. <BR> <BR> My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. <BR> <BR> While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said, "No." <BR> <BR> I kept thinki... Wed, 13 Jan 2016 18:15:27 EST Little Girl Shocks Her School Teacher. This Is Perfect. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6064575 I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. <BR> <BR> When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on the... Sat, 9 Jan 2016 04:28:34 EST Three Women Challenged Him To A Bet. He Might Regret This. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6064569 Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. <BR> <BR> About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.' <BR> <BR> The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.' <BR> <BR> One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.' <BR> <BR> Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they cou... Sat, 9 Jan 2016 04:16:01 EST Handyman Husband http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6063575 Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: <BR> <BR> WINDOWS FROZEN ~ WON'T OPEN <BR> <BR> <BR> Husband texts back: <BR> <BR> GENTLY POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER OVER IT <BR> & GENTLY TAP EDGES WITH HAMMER <BR> <BR> <BR> Wife texts back 5 minutes later: <BR> <BR> COMPUTER REALLY MESSED UP NOW Thu, 7 Jan 2016 22:17:30 EST HOW THE INTERNET STARTED .... ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE REALLY http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6060462 [Please do not Google or check this with Snopes. They will lie to you. Trust me!] <BR> <BR> In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. <BR> <BR> And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou ca... Mon, 4 Jan 2016 20:52:35 EST Nun Gets The Shock Of Her Life While Waiting For Her Flight. So Embarrassing. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6057740 A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago. <BR> <BR> She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, "I'll give it a try and see what it tells me." <BR> <BR> She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to Chicago." <BR> <BR> The Nun sat back down and told herself that the machine probab... Sat, 2 Jan 2016 08:41:19 EST Girl Gets A Shocking Letter From Her Grandmother. This Is Perfect. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6052721 Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: <BR> <BR> Dear Grand-daughter, <BR> <BR> The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .. <BR> <BR> I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. <BR> <BR> So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. <BR> <BR> Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifti... Sat, 26 Dec 2015 02:46:27 EST Why people go to Arizona for the winter http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6051869 <link>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKy2<BR>lLNQYrI </link> <BR> <BR> <BR> Better copy and past this into your browser...Enjoy! Wed, 23 Dec 2015 22:22:26 EST Don't mess with a nun, they are wicked smart!! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6051866 According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. <BR> <BR> That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral <BR> skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would <BR> press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip <BR> prints. <BR> <BR> Every night the maintenance man would remove them; <BR> and the next da... Wed, 23 Dec 2015 22:15:41 EST A Little Girl Helps Deliver Her Baby Brother And Her Reaction Is Hilarious http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6050058 As that old familiar saying goes, "Kids say the darnedest things!" And considering how wild their imaginations are, it's really no wonder why! <BR> <BR> Kids' imaginations are so active that they truly believe in the existence of invisible friends, monsters beneath their beds, and fairies who exchange their teeth for cash. <BR> <BR> It's pretty bizarre, but also undeniably cute and hilarious - especially when their innocent perspective offers a fresh take on some pretty adult themes, like m... Sun, 20 Dec 2015 03:43:09 EST Man Tries To Get On Wife’s Nerves. But How He Did It Is Priceless. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6046682 My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. <BR> I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have Sex?" <BR> "No," she answered. <BR> I then said, "Is that your final answer?" ... <BR> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes.." <BR> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." <BR> And that's when the fight started... <BR> <BR> I took my wife to a French restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. <BR> "I'll have the rump... Sun, 13 Dec 2015 04:47:02 EST 21 Best One-Liner Jokes. #15 Is Just Evil http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6043026 1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves. <BR> <BR> 2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain. <BR> <BR> 3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant. <BR> <BR> 4. I, for one, like Roman numerals. <BR> <BR> 5. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her. <BR> <BR> 6. People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now. <BR> <BR> 7.... Sun, 6 Dec 2015 02:09:37 EST Couple Gets A Shock When Their Son Runs In Panicked. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6043015 If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! <BR> <BR> Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. <BR> <BR> "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, dad, can you help?" <BR> <BR> I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him ... Sun, 6 Dec 2015 01:07:50 EST Evil Woman Doesn't Let A Soldier Sit Down. What Happens Next Is Priceless. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6039312 Evil Woman Doesn't Let A Soldier Sit Down. What Happens Next Is Priceless. <BR> <BR> An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her litt... Sun, 29 Nov 2015 04:13:24 EST Indigenous America Unite http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6038433 <img src="http://photosaws.sparkpeople.com/guid/f2e9bc20-a907-4bb0-8dfc-fda2bb984cc7.jpg"> <BR> The idea of the American Thanksgiving feast is a fairly recent fiction. The idyllic partnership of 17th Century European Pilgrims and New England Indians sharing a celebratory meal appears to be less than 120 years-old. And it was only after the First World War that a version of such a Puritan-Indian partnership took hold in elementary schools across the American landscape. We can thank the inven... Fri, 27 Nov 2015 04:29:42 EST A List of Praises http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6038340 Give praise with psalms that tell the trees to sing, <BR> Give praise with Gospel choirs in storefront churches, <BR> Mad with the joy of the Sabbath, <BR> Give praise with the babble of infants, who wake with the sun, <BR> Give praise with children chanting their skip-rope rhymes, <BR> A poetry not in books, a vagrant mischievous poetry <BR> living wild on the Streets through generations of children. <BR> <BR> Give praise with the sound of the milk-train far away <BR> With its mutter of whe... Thu, 26 Nov 2015 21:54:04 EST Dad Makes a Mistake! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6035930 It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. <BR> <BR> When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. <BR> <BR> "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks. <BR> <BR> "That's cool," says Bobby. <BR> <BR> Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. <BR> <BR> Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. <BR> <BR> Carrie's father respo... Sat, 21 Nov 2015 23:13:33 EST Dunkin Donuts CEO http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6035929 <img src="http://photosaws.sparkpeople.com/guid/6857eab8-8cee-440b-a17a-b1beb36c4fe0.png"> Sat, 21 Nov 2015 23:11:02 EST The Best Diagnosis Ever. Who Said Doctors Don't Have A Sense Of Humor? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6035506 A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. James, what's the problem?" <BR> <BR> The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." <BR> <BR> The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-about 4 months, would be my guess." <BR> <BR> The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be... Sat, 21 Nov 2015 01:50:14 EST Farmer Gets Pulled Over By Cop. Then Says This To Him. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6034384 A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. <BR> <BR> The farmer said, "having some problems with circle flies there, are ya" <BR> <BR> The trooper stopped writing the ticket and s... Wed, 18 Nov 2015 19:12:13 EST The Wooden Bowl http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6032664 I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now. <BR> <BR> A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year - old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, m... Sun, 15 Nov 2015 17:56:03 EST 50 years of marriage http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6030709 After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk arm, slept on a sofa-bed and watched TV on a 10-inch black and white TV. But hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman." So I said to my wife, "It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." My wife is a ver... Wed, 11 Nov 2015 23:58:35 EST Choir Positions Open http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6028608 Found in an actual church bulletin <BR> <BR> Positions open in soprano, alto, tenor and bass. No others need apply. <BR> <BR> PHYSICAL QUALIFICATIONS: Must be able to carry light musical notes part way across the sanctuary. Must have sufficient vision to see the director. <BR> <BR> EXPERIENCE: No applications will be accepted from persons who have not sung, hummed, or whistled in the bathtub or shower at some time. <BR> <BR> BEGINNING WAGE: Increased satisfaction and joy in the servic... Sun, 8 Nov 2015 09:04:53 EST The Most Surprising Response Ever. This Woman Is A Genius. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6016252 A man asks an old lady why she's alone on a cruise ship. Her response shocks him... <BR> <BR> About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. <BR> <BR> I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. <BR> <BR> I asked our waiter who the lady was, expe... Fri, 16 Oct 2015 21:59:15 EST Daughter Accidentally Finds Her Mother Having An Affair. This Is Priceless. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6016134 "Hello?", "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" <BR> <BR> "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." <BR> <BR> After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." <BR> <BR> "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." <BR> <BR> Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled int... Fri, 16 Oct 2015 16:54:29 EST A woman just gets stopped by a policeman. But he wasn't expecting her to say this! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6015745 A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." <BR> <BR> "Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer." <BR> <BR> "Well now, not so fast" said the cop. "Where did you get ... Thu, 15 Oct 2015 23:01:49 EST Yogi Berra-isms http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6004185 1. “It ain’t over till it’s over.” <BR> 2. “It’s deja vu all over again.” <BR> 3. “I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4.” <BR> 4. “Never answer an anonymous letter.” <BR> 5. “We made too many wrong mistakes.” <BR> 6. “You can observe a lot by watching.” <BR> 7. “The future ain’t what it used to be.” <BR> 8. “If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.” <BR> 9. “It gets late early out here.” <BR> 10. “If the peop... Sat, 26 Sep 2015 00:21:24 EST Child Rearing FAQ http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5990649 Q: Should I have a baby after 35? <BR> A: No, 35 children is enough. <BR> <BR> Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? <BR> A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. <BR> <BR> Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? <BR> A: If it's the flu, you'll get better. <BR> <BR> Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? <BR> A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant. <BR> <BR> Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?... Fri, 4 Sep 2015 00:26:22 EST Engaging the Established Presbyterian Church of Scotland http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5986136 “Resurrection-Denying Preacher to Return to Scotland.” That was the headline of a story published in the Glasgow Herald about a week before I was scheduled to lecture in the Cairns Church in Milngavie, a constituent member of the established Presbyterian Church of Scotland. The Senior Pastor of that church, the Rev. Andrew Frater, together with his colleague, the Rev, Chris Vermeulen, a pastor in nearby Largs, had invited me to speak in Scotland on two previous occasions in recent years. ... Fri, 28 Aug 2015 05:20:08 EST Computer Age Battle of the Sexes http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5986129 A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine - "la maison" - "pencil", however, is masculine - "le crayon." <BR> <BR> A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" <BR> <BR> Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each g... Fri, 28 Aug 2015 04:54:28 EST Late Night Funnies http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5984124 The Cadillac Escalade EXT is the most popular car driven in New York. Partly because they're stylish, but mostly because New Yorkers like to have a place to stretch out when they leave their apartments. -Jimmy Fallon <BR> <BR> A study found that many types of head lice have mutated and now have become resistant to over-the-counter treatments. The problem has scientists scratching their heads. -Conan O'Brien <BR> <BR> Josh Duggar was outed for signing up on Ashley Madison using the screen na... Mon, 24 Aug 2015 21:25:34 EST North vs. South http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5983538 The North has coffee houses, <BR> The South has Waffle Houses <BR> <BR> The North has dating services, <BR> The South has family reunions. <BR> <BR> The North has switchblade knives, <BR> The South has Lee Press-on Nails <BR> <BR> The North has double last names, <BR> The South has double first names. <BR> <BR> The North has Indy car races, <BR> The South has stock car races. <BR> <BR> The North has Cream of Wheat, <BR> The South has grits. <BR> <BR> The North has green salads, <B... Mon, 24 Aug 2015 00:28:11 EST laughs http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5980584 Army of the Lord <BR> <BR> A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. <BR> <BR> The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" <BR> <BR> My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." <BR> <BR> Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" <BR> <BR> He whispered back, "I'm i... Wed, 19 Aug 2015 00:19:11 EST LATE NITE FUNNIES http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5955209 Macy's has severed ties with Donald Trump and no longer will carry his men's wear collection. From now on, men who want to look like Donald Trump will have to hunt and kill their own hair piece. -Conan O'Brien <BR> <BR> Last night for the first time in 24 years Jupiter and Venus appeared almost on top of each other. So the gay marriage ruling is having more of an impact than we thought. -Conan O'Brien <BR> <BR> The state of Oregon today became the fourth state to legalize recreational marij... Sat, 4 Jul 2015 03:04:24 EST