SUNSHINE65's SparkPeople Blog SUNSHINE65's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community The other half a laugh The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. <BR> The personnel office sent this reply... <BR> "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics." <BR> <BR> A man entered a bank with a rather large dog on a leash. He asked if it was okay to bring his pet into the building. <BR> The teller said, "Yes, providing he doesn't make a deposit." <BR> <BR> Mr.... Sun, 24 Aug 2014 03:52:39 EST Half a laugh My mother is a cleaning fanatic. One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up. We had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess. <BR> As she watched us work, it was clear that Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it. Finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked Mom, "Can I use this, or were you planning to go somewhere?" <BR> <... Sun, 24 Aug 2014 03:51:50 EST Some jokes... Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. <BR> The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" <BR> To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?" <BR... Sun, 17 Aug 2014 00:36:34 EST Never ask a Georgia grandma a question if you aren't prepared for the answer Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. <BR> <BR> In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and... Wed, 13 Aug 2014 01:05:24 EST LATE NITE JOKES Pope Francis is calling on young people to get off the Internet and start doing something productive with their lives. Teens were like, "Uh, how do you think we saw you say that? We watched it on YouTube, dude!" -Jimmy Fallon <BR> <BR> A bear was attacking a Russian man, and he was able to repel the attack by playing his Justin Bieber ringtone. The man is OK, and no, the bear is NOT a Belieber. -Conan O'Brien <BR> <BR> You know that button on your cable remote that gives you information abo... Tue, 12 Aug 2014 02:04:03 EST Retirement Options You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where... <BR> <BR> 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. <BR> <BR> 2. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town. <BR> <BR> 3. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. <BR> <BR> 4. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door. <BR> <BR> 5. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! <BR> <BR> OR <BR> <BR> You can retire... Mon, 4 Aug 2014 00:07:25 EST Maxine <img src=""> Sat, 2 Aug 2014 03:04:15 EST Some funny late nite... I saw that Hillary Clinton visited the headquarters of Twitter and Facebook yesterday. Hillary would also have visited LinkedIn, but she already knows what job she wants. -Jimmy Fallon <BR> <BR> Netflix is testing a new feature that will allow you to hide what you've been watching. You just click the button and it says, I want to stay married. -Conan O'Brien <BR> <BR> Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. ... Sun, 27 Jul 2014 23:41:47 EST 2012 Darwin Awards This award is given to some person who eliminates himself effectively from the human gene pool through an outstanding if not original display of uniqueness in his thinking process. <BR> <BR> Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: <BR> An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girl friend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. <BR> <BR> Nominee No. 2: [Kalam... Sat, 26 Jul 2014 21:24:11 EST It's all relative! A little humor for today: <BR> This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. <BR> He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he sh... Sat, 26 Jul 2014 17:56:35 EST You know it's July in Florida when: - Hot water comes out of both taps. <BR> - You find out that a seatbelt buckle makes a pretty nice branding iron. <BR> - The trees are whistling for the dogs. <BR> - You find out that you can get sunburned through your car window. <BR> - The birds need to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. <BR> - You burn your hand opening the car door. <BR> - The temperature drops below 95 and you put on a sweater. <BR> - You can make instant sun tea. <BR> - Shade determines the best par... Sat, 26 Jul 2014 16:50:26 EST Late Nite funnees While he was in Cuba this weekend, Vladimir Putin met with Fidel Castro and promised to revive Cuba's oil industry. Not to be confused with the other thing Cuba's always having to revive: Fidel Castro. -Jimmy Fallon <BR> <BR> Germany won, but they're still mad at us for spying on them. So they're considering going back to using typewriters to avoid being spied on. It's never good news when Germany says they're going to go back to their old ways. -Conan O'Brien <BR> <BR> People are going to ... Thu, 17 Jul 2014 02:20:07 EST Senile Moment <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <img src="" <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <img src="http://phot... Mon, 14 Jul 2014 00:39:23 EST Laughs A Dreadful Fight <BR> <BR> Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!" <BR> "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" <BR> "I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?" <BR> <BR> Double Decker Bus <BR> <BR> There's a double decker bus driving down the street full of passengers. On the lower level of the ... Wed, 9 Jul 2014 11:17:10 EST Late Nite Funniest I'm trying to figure out what to make for the Fourth of July. Hamburgers and hot dogs get a lot of attention, but the Fourth is really the blueberry's day to shine. When you need a blue food to round out your red, white, and blue items, there's nowhere else to turn but the blueberry. -Jimmy Kimmel <BR> <BR> Every year, the blueberry has it right where it wants us. I say good for the blueberry. It deserves it. -Jimmy Kimmel <BR> <BR> In Iran there's a TV show, a sitcom — it's weird that they... Sun, 6 Jul 2014 21:45:54 EST Hello -- I have questions! <img src=""> <BR> Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one? <BR> <img src=""> <BR> If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it? <BR> <img src=""> <BR> Why do croutons come in airtight packages? <BR> Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? <BR> <img src=" Sat, 5 Jul 2014 23:52:57 EST Contemplating Cats There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Anonymous <BR> <BR> "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous <BR> <BR> "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez <BR> <BR> "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb <BR> <BR> "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley <BR> <BR> "One cat just leads to another." --Er... Thu, 3 Jul 2014 01:02:06 EST Laughs At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls. <BR> After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?" <BR> Without looking up from his paper my husband replied, "About 10 years." <BR> <BR> A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to... Tue, 1 Jul 2014 21:46:42 EST Late Nite Funnies A man walked into McDonald's with a knife in his back. Yeah, with a knife in his back. His heart wasn't in danger until he ordered the food, said doctors. -Conan O'Brien <BR> <BR> NBC is making a movie about the Beatles. However, they will not be allowed to use the Beatles music and they will not be allowed to use the Beatles likenesses. Other than that it's a green light all the way. -David Letterman <BR> <BR> The American men's soccer team advanced to the knockout round in the World Cup a... Mon, 30 Jun 2014 23:56:57 EST If Abraham had tweeted: The Gettysburg Address <BR> 87 yrs ago, our fathers did stuff. Now big war. Govt by people good. <BR> <BR> On the south's firing upon Fort Sumter <BR> Oh No you Di'int <BR> <BR> The Emanipation Proclamation <BR> Slaves free! (if living in Confed.) rest of you--not so much. <BR> <BR> Ford's Theater <BR> Play s'posed 2 B good. Am dying to see. <BR> <BR> <BR> Sun, 29 Jun 2014 21:33:53 EST Oh, those doctor bills! <img src=""> Sun, 29 Jun 2014 15:53:39 EST Soccer <img src=""> Mon, 23 Jun 2014 17:52:05 EST Maxine's wit <img src=""> Mon, 23 Jun 2014 17:50:20 EST IT WAS A REFERENCE TO A GEOMETRY RULE "There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides." <BR> <BR> You probably had geometry too long ago to remember this rule: "the square of the hypotenuse (the side opposite the right a... Mon, 23 Jun 2014 15:59:29 EST Laugh till your sides ache Biggest Sign <BR> <BR> Shopkeeper Smith was alarmed when a new business, much like his own, opened in the storefront to the left of him. A huge sign was installed, reading BEST DEALS. <BR> Mr. Smith was troubled a second time when another competitor leased the building on his right, and erected a much larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES. <BR> At this point Smith was really depressed, however, he came up with an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own read MAIN ENTRANCE. ... Mon, 23 Jun 2014 02:36:03 EST What won't they think of next! <img src=""> Fri, 20 Jun 2014 23:20:42 EST Late Nite Jokes Lawmakers in Jamaica are now considering a bill that would legalize marijuana. Let me repeat myself: Lawmakers in Jamaica are considering a bill to legalize marijuana. In related news, lawmakers in Italy are considering a bill to legalize spaghetti, and lawmakers in Ireland are considering a bill to legalize whiskey. -Jimmy Fallon <BR> <BR> A Whole Foods store in New York will start offering customers cocktails while they shop. It's part of Whole Foods' new slogan, "You'd have to be drunk to... Fri, 13 Jun 2014 01:09:51 EST 3200 YEAR OLD TREE Took 126 photos stitched together to show the whole tree! <BR> That's a man standing down at the bottom! <BR> <BR> <img src=""> Fri, 13 Jun 2014 00:55:55 EST Bullying rap These kids blew me away! <BR> <BR> <link> </link> Wed, 4 Jun 2014 01:24:49 EST Translation Help, I'm in trouble (treble clef). I ran over something sharp (#), and now my tire is flat (b). I need a quarter (quarter note) for the phone. Do I need to repeat (:||) any of that? <BR> <BR> I couldn't do the quarter note or treble clef on my keyboard... Tue, 3 Jun 2014 22:00:41 EST Can you translate this? <img src=""> Mon, 2 Jun 2014 22:03:03 EST Late Nite funnees The L.A. Clippers have been sold. Yes, I also don't really care. Everyone is like, "Oh, OK." The Clippers have been sold for $2 billion. That got your attention. -Craig Ferguson <BR> <BR> Donald Sterling paid only $12 million to buy the Clippers. This deal is very uncomfortable for the former owner because it puts him in the black. -Craig Ferguson <BR> <BR> President Obama had lunch today with Hillary Clinton. Hillary told the president, "After phoning my top advisers, I think I'll run for ... Mon, 2 Jun 2014 21:51:54 EST For all the ladies who drive alone... I had a flat tire on I-205 yesterday; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk. <BR> <BR> I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! <BR> <BR> Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men which made it much safer for me to work on the side of the road. <BR> <BR> People honked and waved, and it wasn't long before a police car pulled up ... Sun, 1 Jun 2014 17:54:35 EST Liar, Liar... <img src=""> Sat, 31 May 2014 21:50:32 EST The Black Telephone When I was a young boy, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the Wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it. <BR> Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing she did not know. Information Please could supply an... Sun, 25 May 2014 20:28:46 EST You'll understand this if you haven't worked for 35 years <link><BR>l=0 </link> <BR> <BR> <BR> copy and paste <BR> <BR><BR>?rel=0 Sat, 24 May 2014 18:39:34 EST Visual Joke If you understand this you might be older than 50! <BR> <BR> <link><BR>l=0 </link> Sat, 24 May 2014 18:37:43 EST Photo Bomb <img src=""> Sat, 24 May 2014 17:54:34 EST Fun Things To Do In An Elevator: 1. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" <BR> <BR> 2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!" <BR> <BR> 3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. <BR> <BR> 4. Sell Girl Scout cookies. <BR> <BR> 5. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. <BR> <BR> 6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake ... Tue, 20 May 2014 01:45:32 EST 35 Top Excuses for What Happened to the 29,999,000 People Who Didn’t Show Up for Operation American This is sooooo funny! <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <BR> <link><BR>uses-happened-29999000-people-didnt-sh<BR>ow-operation-american-spring/ </link> Sat, 17 May 2014 18:39:51 EST How Football Sounds To People That Don't Care Firstly, imagine every time within a day that football is mentioned by someone else. Secondly, replace it with something that you don't want to hear about every day. Say... Archaeology. Then, think carefully about how an average day would pan out. <BR> <BR> So, you awaken to the clock radio. It's 7AM. Just as you awaken, it's time for the news and archaeology already. Not news and other historical investigations, like library restorations or museum openings (unless there's another event hap... Fri, 16 May 2014 00:34:00 EST A cat... A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil. <BR> <BR> “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. <BR> <BR> “You did WHAT?! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. <BR> <BR> “You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.” Fri, 16 May 2014 00:29:15 EST Mother's Wedding Dress... Mother's Wedding Dress <BR> <BR> A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. "Mom," she says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding." <BR> <BR> The bride's mother thinks for a minute. "Don't worry," she tells her daughter. "I'll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony." <BR> <BR> "But mother," says the bride, "that dress cost a fo... Wed, 14 May 2014 02:28:21 EST Mother's Day <img src=""> Tue, 13 May 2014 00:46:53 EST All the food groups... <img src=""> Sat, 10 May 2014 07:44:26 EST The Most Striking Climate Change Sculpture You'll Ever See The image below is of a sculpture by street artist Isaac Cordal, which has been dubbed "Politicians Debating Global Warming." <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> The first time I saw this image, my visceral reaction was immediate and profound, gazing upon politicians debating our planet's global crisis with the waters lapping at their lapels, filling their mouths and covering them completely. <BR> And then I learned more about this image,... Wed, 7 May 2014 22:35:15 EST That should do it! <img src=""> Wed, 7 May 2014 00:18:04 EST late nite funnies Donald Sterling's girlfriend said she's “going to be president of the United States” one day. Yeah, like we’re going to elect someone who secretly records people’s private phone calls and conversations. -Jimmy Fallon <BR> <BR> After rumors surfaced of another video of him smoking crack, Rob Ford said he's taking a leave of absence, and of course he's earned it. The guy's been up since 2004. -Conan O'Brien <BR> <BR> Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is apparently back smoking the crack. There is a p... Tue, 6 May 2014 00:35:48 EST Here's some church ticklers from RHOOK20047 <link><BR>sageboard_thread.asp?board=0x61237x577<BR>61946 </link> <BR> <BR> <em>246</em> <em>334</em> Mon, 5 May 2014 16:07:33 EST Some of our older folks couldn't read the puns... So here they are: <BR> <BR> I tried to catch some Fog. I mist. <BR> <BR> When chemists die, they barium. <BR> <BR> Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. <BR> <BR> A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. <BR> <BR> I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. <BR> <BR> How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. <BR> <BR> I stayed up all night to see where the Sun went. Then it dawned on me. <BR> <BR> This girl said sh... Mon, 5 May 2014 16:02:06 EST