SUNSHINE65's SparkPeople Blog SUNSHINE65's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community LATE NITE FUNNIES Macy's has severed ties with Donald Trump and no longer will carry his men's wear collection. From now on, men who want to look like Donald Trump will have to hunt and kill their own hair piece. -Conan O'Brien <BR> <BR> Last night for the first time in 24 years Jupiter and Venus appeared almost on top of each other. So the gay marriage ruling is having more of an impact than we thought. -Conan O'Brien <BR> <BR> The state of Oregon today became the fourth state to legalize recreational marij... Sat, 4 Jul 2015 03:04:24 EST Happy Fathers Day... Water Beds <BR> <BR> Since I had been selling water beds for almost four years, I thought I had heard every question imaginable. But then a customer asked me, "Can you deliver it filled with water?" <BR> <BR> Stunned, I replied, "Are you kidding? It would weigh over twelve hundred pounds!" <BR> <BR> After a short pause, she said, "Could you do it if I helped you carry it in?" <BR> <BR> Lost <BR> <BR> A man is lost in the desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he's ... Sun, 21 Jun 2015 17:57:35 EST Some Political Quotes "I resent your insinuendoes." <BR> <BR> "If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same." <BR> <BR> "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." <BR> <BR> "I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate." -- Dan Quayle <BR> <BR> "If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave." <BR> <BR> "We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspa... Thu, 14 May 2015 01:40:04 EST DUI - Wisconsin Style From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport because there is a bar on every corner, comes this true story. <BR> Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Rhinelander, WI . After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar apparently so intoxicated that he could barely walk. <BR> The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. <BR> After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five differen... Sun, 10 May 2015 03:44:24 EST Daffynitions 1. ARBITRAITOR <BR> A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s <BR> <BR> 2. BERNADETTE <BR> The act of torching a mortgage. <BR> <BR> 3. BURGLARIZE <BR> What a crook sees through <BR> <BR> 4. AVOIDABLE <BR> What a bullfighter tries to do <BR> <BR> 5. EYEDROPPER <BR> Clumsy ophthalmologist <BR> <BR> 6. CONTROL <BR> A short, ugly inmate. <BR> <BR> 7. COUNTERFEITER <BR> Workers who put together kitche... Sat, 9 May 2015 00:15:42 EST Cat Facts A cat has 32 muscles in each ear that control their outer ear, whereas a human has only 6. <BR> <BR> Cats cannot taste sweet things. <BR> <BR> Adult cats never meow to each other but only to communicate with humans. <BR> <BR> Cats have three eyelids. The third eyelid is a tiny triangle of pinkish or whitish tissue which is usually visible in the corner of the eye. <BR> <BR> Cats have the ability to make over 100 different sounds, whereas dogs can make only 10. <BR> <BR> Cats use their wh... Thu, 7 May 2015 23:53:22 EST Punography I tried to catch some fog. I mist. <BR> A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. <BR> I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. <BR> I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. <BR> They told me I had type A blood, but it was a typo. <BR> What do you call a dinosaur with a huge vocabulary? A thesaurus. <BR> England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.. <BR> I dropped out of communism class because of l... Sun, 3 May 2015 18:49:04 EST JOKES GALORE Serious Golf... <BR> <BR> The minister drove into a sand trap. He picked up his golf club, broke it but didn't say a word. <BR> <BR> Then he picked up the golf bag and tore it to shreds but didn't say a word. <BR> <BR> He then took out all the golf balls and flung them into the woods but did not say one word. <BR> <BR> Finally he muttered, "I'm going have to give it up." <BR> <BR> "Golf?" asked the caddie. <BR> <BR> "No" he replied. "The ministry." <BR> Tweet It - Facebook It <BR> ... Thu, 23 Apr 2015 00:37:54 EST Buncha jokes Lawyer Humor <BR> <BR> You Know You Need A New Lawyer When: <BR> <BR> - The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other. <BR> <BR> - During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. <BR> <BR> - He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser." <BR> <BR> - He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose." <BR> <BR> - During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy. <BR> <BR> - Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to t... Sun, 19 Apr 2015 01:37:34 EST Late Late Yesterday presidential candidate Ted Cruz said that he will in fact be signing up for Obamacare despite saying earlier that he wants to repeal every word of it. It's a good thing he's signing up, because Cruz just went to the hospital in hypocritical condition. -Jimmy Fallon <BR> <BR> Obamacare, tea party candidate Ted Cruz just signed up for it. And next week he plans to get gay married at Planned Parenthood. -Conan O'Brien <BR> <BR> We have Donald Trump and Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham al... Sun, 29 Mar 2015 03:43:40 EST Some quotes... If God wanted us to vote, he would have <BR> given us candidates. <BR> ~Jay Leno~ <BR> <BR> The problem with political jokes is they <BR> get elected. <BR> ~Henry Cate, VII~ <BR> <BR> We hang the petty thieves <BR> and appoint the great ones to public office. <BR> ~Aesop~ <BR> <BR> If we got one-tenth of what was promised <BR> to us in these State of the Union speeches, <BR> there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. <BR> ~Will Rogers~ <BR> <BR> Politicians are the same all ove... Sat, 28 Mar 2015 22:06:23 EST Actual Newspaper Headlines (we can only assume!) 1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says <BR> 2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers <BR> 3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted <BR> 4. Farmer Bill Dies in House <BR> 5. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? <BR> 6. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands <BR> 7. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms <BR> 8. Eye Drops off Shelf <BR> 9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids <BR> 10. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead <BR> 11. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim... Tue, 17 Mar 2015 12:04:25 EST Late nite revisited, because you slept through it They found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the '90s, and they're studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes. -David Letterman <BR> <BR> There is controversy surrounding Obama's appearance on the show. Monday we announced the president would be here. This morning I got a letter from 47 Republicans telling me not to sign any deals with him. -Jimmy Kimmel <BR> <BR> A bomb-sniffing dog came into my office toda... Mon, 16 Mar 2015 20:03:16 EST Some late night funniees... Leonard Nimoy passed away last week. In Canada, where he's not even from, they're paying him an unusual tribute called "Spocking." They draw Spock ears, hair, and eyebrows on the guy on their $5 bills. Spocking is not illegal in Canada, although it could incur the wrath of Khan. -Jimmy Kimmel <BR> <BR> Archaeologists in Nazareth believe they may have found the house that Jesus grew up in. And in the backyard they found the pool where he learned to walk. -Seth Meyers <BR> <BR> During the C... Sat, 7 Mar 2015 23:23:15 EST Have a laugh... One-liners <BR> <BR> The plumber can't put in the bathroom fixtures until next month. That's a shower stall if I've ever heard one. <BR> <BR> When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. <BR> <BR> When it comes to telling her age, she's shy.....about ten years shy. <BR> <BR> I didn't believe my wife when she said she had lost one of her fingernails while making dessert. I guess the proof will be in the pudding. <BR> <BR> Several carniverous animals were eating the carcass but th... Wed, 18 Feb 2015 09:27:02 EST Over A Century Ago... Maybe this will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1905, just over one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes! <BR> <BR> Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1905: <BR> <BR> - The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years. <BR> <BR> - Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub. <BR> <BR> - Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. <BR> <BR> - A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars. <BR> <BR> - The... Mon, 16 Feb 2015 00:50:09 EST Here're some sayings you can get on T shirts! Karma takes way too long, I'd rather just smack you right now. <BR> <BR> I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you. <BR> <BR> Jesus loves you but I'm his favorite. <BR> <BR> Askhole a person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the exact opposite. <BR> <BR> I will see your sarcasm and raise you some sass. <BR> <BR> I'm not short I'm fun sized. <BR> <BR> Politicians and diapers need to be changed often . . . for the same reason. <BR> <BR> I am who I ... Fri, 13 Feb 2015 01:57:06 EST Some Late Nite Funnees... According to a recent survey, 12 percent of Americans say that it's fine to cheat a little on your taxes. While the other 88 percent know not to talk to a guy with a clipboard asking them if they cheat on their taxes. -Jimmy Fallon <BR> <BR> The inventor of the soy sauce dispenser bottle has passed away. He actually died months ago but was just found in the back of the fridge. -Conan O'Brien <BR> <BR> At the White House today was Angela Merkel from Germany. She showed up riding on a huge ... Thu, 12 Feb 2015 03:11:10 EST Let he who is without sin cast... I'm reminded of the old joke about Jesus telling the crowd who is stoning the adulteress, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." <BR> <BR> Suddenly a woman throws a rock at the adulturess. <BR> <BR> Jesus looks up, and says, "Oh for Pete's sake, Mother." Mon, 9 Feb 2015 21:35:43 EST Church Hymns A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." <BR> <BR> The pastor shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS " <BR> <BR> The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."... Sun, 25 Jan 2015 00:59:10 EST More Late Nite Funnies Fifteen states across the country have gas prices that have dipped below $2. That means it’s now cheaper to buy a gallon of liquefied dinosaurs than one cup of coffee at Starbucks. -Jimmy Fallon <BR> <BR> An NFL player was arrested in Florida on gun charges. The news was shocking to anyone who knows nothing about the NFL or Florida. -Conan O'Brien <BR> <BR> Fifteen years ago tomorrow I had open heart surgery, a quintuple bypass surgery. Thanks to all of my doctors. Because of them, in 15 y... Thu, 15 Jan 2015 20:08:49 EST Late night funnies Mitt Romney says he is considering a third campaign for the presidency. He made the announcement during a private meeting with donors. It’s pretty shocking, you know, that Mitt Romney needs donors. I mean, what are these guys, trillionaires? -Jimmy Fallon <BR> <BR> Nike announced that this year it will sell self-lacing tennis shoes. By the way, if you're too lazy to lace up your tennis shoes you're really going to hate tennis. -Conan O'Brien <BR> <BR> A guy had a job and it turned out he ... Wed, 14 Jan 2015 19:24:03 EST How to get info about your own situation... A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. <BR> She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone Who can tell me how a patient is doing?" <BR> The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?" <BR> The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302." <BR> The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room." <BR> After a few minutes, the operator returned t... Wed, 14 Jan 2015 00:15:59 EST Here's the actual vid<BR>669698452447&set=vb.1554114298&type=2&<BR>theater&notif_t=video_comment Sun, 11 Jan 2015 22:43:34 EST A Few Laughs Babies <BR> <BR> Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions of Ireland with no running water, no electricity, none of the creature comforts. One night, Mikes' wife goes into labor. The local doctor is there in attendance. <BR> "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" <BR> "Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!" The doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. "Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." <BR> "Saints be praised,... Sun, 4 Jan 2015 07:26:42 EST Late Night Funnies Time magazine has named “Ebola Fighters” the 2014 Person of the Year. The Ebola fighters said they were honored to be chosen and look forward to the ceremony. Then Time said, "Oh no, we'll just mail them to you." -Jimmy Fallon <BR> <BR> The General Mills cereal Cheerios will soon come out in new flavors like quinoa. The CEO of General Mills said the new flavor is in response to an overwhelming demand by no one, absolutely no one. -Conan O'Brien <BR> <BR> Meryl Streep is on the program tonig... Thu, 1 Jan 2015 21:51:13 EST Classic Late Night Funnies My parents were kind of over protective people. Me and my sister had to play in the backyard all the time. They bought us bikes for Christmas but wouldn't let us ride in the street, we had to ride in the backyard. Another Christmas, my dad got me a basketball hoop and put it in the middle of the lawn! You can't dribble on grass. -Jimmy Fallon <BR> <BR> Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. -Johnny Carson <BR> <BR> Yeah, I started when I was 6 year... Thu, 25 Dec 2014 19:28:23 EST Thoughts to Ponder Do not eat natural foods. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. <BR> <BR> --- <BR> <BR> Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. <BR> <BR> --- <BR> <BR> The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. <BR> <BR> --- <BR> <BR> Never take life seriously. N... Thu, 25 Dec 2014 01:48:31 EST The Perks of Being Over 50 -- Kidnappers are not very interested in you. <BR> <BR> -- In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first. <BR> <BR> -- No one expects you to run into a burning building. <BR> <BR> -- People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" <BR> <BR> -- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. <BR> <BR> -- There is nothing left to learn the hard way. <BR> <BR> -- Things you buy now won't wear out. <BR> <BR> -- You can eat dinner at 4 PM. <BR> <BR> -- You enjoy hearing ... Mon, 15 Dec 2014 03:16:53 EST Tracking the Weather It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. <BR> <BR> But being a practi... Sun, 14 Dec 2014 00:36:45 EST Weather Stone <img src=""> Thu, 11 Dec 2014 22:08:52 EST Oh Yah... <img src=""> Thu, 11 Dec 2014 21:51:46 EST A few laffs In Court <BR> <BR> My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story. <BR> <BR> We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?" <BR> <BR> My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor." <BR> <BR> <BR> The Manager <BR> <BR> Our manager at the restaurant where I worked wa... Wed, 10 Dec 2014 00:28:16 EST Late Nite Funnies It was a great week for Jimmy Fallon. He welcomed a baby girl. Congratulations, Fallons! In this modern society, your little girl can grow up to be anything she wants. Except of course a late-night talk-show host. -Craig Ferguson <BR> <BR> A marine biologist in California discovered a very rare 12-pound lobster. He said he planned to return the lobster to the ocean. But today he was seen buying 12 pounds of butter. -Craig Ferguson <BR> <BR> According to a survey, the most popular Christmas ... Wed, 10 Dec 2014 00:06:19 EST Retired Husband After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,from the local Target: <BR> <BR> Dear Mrs. Harris: <BR> Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. <BR> We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced... Mon, 8 Dec 2014 01:24:05 EST Season's Greetings! <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Sun, 7 Dec 2014 02:29:05 EST Holiday to do list <img src=""> Thu, 4 Dec 2014 00:15:54 EST If brains were gasoline... <img src=""> Wed, 3 Dec 2014 23:41:27 EST What Santa's bringing you! <img src=""> Wed, 3 Dec 2014 23:40:34 EST Republican Agenda <img src=""> Wed, 3 Dec 2014 21:28:45 EST Remove a curse... An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 50 years. The wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the course on you.” The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.” Sat, 29 Nov 2014 19:17:41 EST Some pertinent what I don't know! A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'... She fooled them all .... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile. Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. To 20 oz. <BR> <BR> She replied , "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not... Thu, 27 Nov 2014 20:22:54 EST Ohhhh! The pot at the end of the rainbow! <img src=""> Thu, 20 Nov 2014 02:09:37 EST Ohhhh! The pot at the end of the rainbow! <img src=""> Thu, 20 Nov 2014 02:09:25 EST Warren Buffett, "I could end the deficit in 5 minutes!" Warren Buffett, "I could end the deficit in 5 minutes," he told CNBC. "You just pass a law that says that anytime there is a deficit of more than 3% of GDP, all sitting members of Congress are ineligible for re-election. The 26th amendment (granting the right to vote for 18 year-olds) took only 3 months & 8 days to be ratified! Why? Simple! The people demanded it. That was in 1971...before computers, e-mail, cell phones, etc. Of the 27 amendments to the Constitution, seven (7) took 1 year or ... Thu, 20 Nov 2014 02:05:37 EST I must confess... I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. <BR> <BR> Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. <BR> <BR> On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. <BR> <BR> On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. <BR> <BR> Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit tha... Tue, 18 Nov 2014 23:02:43 EST Everything I Learned from a Cow 1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d. <BR> <BR> 2. Don't cry over spilled milk. <BR> <BR> 3. When chewing your cud, remember: there's no fat, no calories, no cholesterol and no taste! <BR> <BR> 4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence <BR> <BR> 5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on. <BR> <BR> 6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all it's worth. <BR> <BR> 7. It's better to be seen and not herd. <BR> <BR> 8. Honor thy fodder and they mother and all your udder relative... Mon, 17 Nov 2014 17:16:07 EST Obit What with all the trauma and sadness going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. <BR> Larry LaPrise, the ma who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93. <BR> The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. <BR> They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started. Mon, 17 Nov 2014 02:39:49 EST Breakfast in bed... <img src=""> Fri, 7 Nov 2014 01:16:09 EST Not the end... <img src=""> Thu, 6 Nov 2014 22:24:14 EST