SUNSHINE65's SparkPeople Blog SUNSHINE65's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Burial Plans A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" <BR> <BR> Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afra... Mon, 20 Oct 2014 21:13:18 EST Haloween Therapy Group <img src=""> Sun, 12 Oct 2014 04:08:31 EST Just For Laughs <img src=""> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <img src=" Sat, 11 Oct 2014 22:02:15 EST Tailgating A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten The red light by accelerating through the intersection. <BR> <BR> The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. <BR> <BR> As she was still in mid-rant, she ... Mon, 6 Oct 2014 02:43:17 EST 6 Lessons in management that everyone should know. LESSON 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel... Sat, 4 Oct 2014 22:18:06 EST Morals... <img src=""> Sat, 4 Oct 2014 21:45:36 EST Breat cancer awareness month <img src=""> Fri, 3 Oct 2014 01:10:43 EST The "Change" <img src=""> Tue, 30 Sep 2014 09:36:04 EST The Most Caring Child Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. <BR> <BR> <BR> The winner was: <BR> <BR> <BR> 1. A four-year-old child, whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old Gentleman's' yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the littl... Thu, 25 Sep 2014 01:22:44 EST SUM FUNEES The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. <BR> The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ... Mon, 15 Sep 2014 04:21:02 EST The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. <BR> The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. <BR> <BR> The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. <BR... Mon, 8 Sep 2014 02:19:57 EST Jasper and the Unbaked Yeast Rolls Those of you who have/had animals will probably appreciate this more. It is a story that is hilarious in itself and the person that wrote it is a good writer and made the story even better. ~ <BR> <BR> We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you, who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10-year-old child about whom you know nothing and committing to doing your best to be a ... Sun, 7 Sep 2014 21:31:10 EST 10 Jokes Only Engineers Will Understand. Who Says Engineers Don’t Have A Sense Of Humor? 1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. <BR> <BR> 2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full. <BR> To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. <BR> To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. <BR> <BR> 3. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been w... Sat, 6 Sep 2014 23:26:11 EST How The Internet Got Started - According To The Bible. In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. <BR> <BR> Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. <BR> <BR> Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. <BR> <BR> And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" <BR> <BR> Abraham did look at her a... Sat, 6 Sep 2014 22:21:28 EST Just some funnees - 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie. (Wait, what about Sleeping Beauty, which also has both parents surviving in the film?) <BR> <BR> - 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. <BR> <BR> - The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth. <BR> <BR> - Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are alw... Wed, 3 Sep 2014 23:51:32 EST The Buffet Rule We must support this...pass it on and let’s see if these idiots understand what people pressure is all about. <BR> <BR> Salary of retired US Presidents . . . .. . . . . . .. . $180,000 FOR LIFE <BR> <BR> Salary of House/Senate members . . . .. . . . . $174,000 FOR LIFE This is stupid <BR> <BR> Salary of Speaker of the House . . . .. . . . . . . $223,500 FOR LIFE This is really stupid <BR> <BR> Salary of Majority/Minority Leaders . .. . . . . . . $193,400 FOR LIFE Ditto last line <BR> ... Sat, 30 Aug 2014 17:43:48 EST The other half a laugh The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. <BR> The personnel office sent this reply... <BR> "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics." <BR> <BR> A man entered a bank with a rather large dog on a leash. He asked if it was okay to bring his pet into the building. <BR> The teller said, "Yes, providing he doesn't make a deposit." <BR> <BR> Mr.... Sun, 24 Aug 2014 03:52:39 EST Half a laugh My mother is a cleaning fanatic. One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up. We had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess. <BR> As she watched us work, it was clear that Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it. Finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked Mom, "Can I use this, or were you planning to go somewhere?" <BR> <... Sun, 24 Aug 2014 03:51:50 EST Some jokes... Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. <BR> The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" <BR> To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?" <BR... Sun, 17 Aug 2014 00:36:34 EST Never ask a Georgia grandma a question if you aren't prepared for the answer Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. <BR> <BR> In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and... Wed, 13 Aug 2014 01:05:24 EST LATE NITE JOKES Pope Francis is calling on young people to get off the Internet and start doing something productive with their lives. Teens were like, "Uh, how do you think we saw you say that? We watched it on YouTube, dude!" -Jimmy Fallon <BR> <BR> A bear was attacking a Russian man, and he was able to repel the attack by playing his Justin Bieber ringtone. The man is OK, and no, the bear is NOT a Belieber. -Conan O'Brien <BR> <BR> You know that button on your cable remote that gives you information abo... Tue, 12 Aug 2014 02:04:03 EST Retirement Options You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where... <BR> <BR> 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. <BR> <BR> 2. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town. <BR> <BR> 3. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. <BR> <BR> 4. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door. <BR> <BR> 5. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! <BR> <BR> OR <BR> <BR> You can retire... Mon, 4 Aug 2014 00:07:25 EST Maxine <img src=""> Sat, 2 Aug 2014 03:04:15 EST Some funny late nite... I saw that Hillary Clinton visited the headquarters of Twitter and Facebook yesterday. Hillary would also have visited LinkedIn, but she already knows what job she wants. -Jimmy Fallon <BR> <BR> Netflix is testing a new feature that will allow you to hide what you've been watching. You just click the button and it says, I want to stay married. -Conan O'Brien <BR> <BR> Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. ... Sun, 27 Jul 2014 23:41:47 EST 2012 Darwin Awards This award is given to some person who eliminates himself effectively from the human gene pool through an outstanding if not original display of uniqueness in his thinking process. <BR> <BR> Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: <BR> An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girl friend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. <BR> <BR> Nominee No. 2: [Kalam... Sat, 26 Jul 2014 21:24:11 EST It's all relative! A little humor for today: <BR> This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. <BR> He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he sh... Sat, 26 Jul 2014 17:56:35 EST You know it's July in Florida when: - Hot water comes out of both taps. <BR> - You find out that a seatbelt buckle makes a pretty nice branding iron. <BR> - The trees are whistling for the dogs. <BR> - You find out that you can get sunburned through your car window. <BR> - The birds need to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. <BR> - You burn your hand opening the car door. <BR> - The temperature drops below 95 and you put on a sweater. <BR> - You can make instant sun tea. <BR> - Shade determines the best par... Sat, 26 Jul 2014 16:50:26 EST Late Nite funnees While he was in Cuba this weekend, Vladimir Putin met with Fidel Castro and promised to revive Cuba's oil industry. Not to be confused with the other thing Cuba's always having to revive: Fidel Castro. -Jimmy Fallon <BR> <BR> Germany won, but they're still mad at us for spying on them. So they're considering going back to using typewriters to avoid being spied on. It's never good news when Germany says they're going to go back to their old ways. -Conan O'Brien <BR> <BR> People are going to ... Thu, 17 Jul 2014 02:20:07 EST Senile Moment <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <img src="" <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <img src="http://phot... Mon, 14 Jul 2014 00:39:23 EST Laughs A Dreadful Fight <BR> <BR> Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!" <BR> "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" <BR> "I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?" <BR> <BR> Double Decker Bus <BR> <BR> There's a double decker bus driving down the street full of passengers. On the lower level of the ... Wed, 9 Jul 2014 11:17:10 EST Late Nite Funniest I'm trying to figure out what to make for the Fourth of July. Hamburgers and hot dogs get a lot of attention, but the Fourth is really the blueberry's day to shine. When you need a blue food to round out your red, white, and blue items, there's nowhere else to turn but the blueberry. -Jimmy Kimmel <BR> <BR> Every year, the blueberry has it right where it wants us. I say good for the blueberry. It deserves it. -Jimmy Kimmel <BR> <BR> In Iran there's a TV show, a sitcom — it's weird that they... Sun, 6 Jul 2014 21:45:54 EST Hello -- I have questions! <img src=""> <BR> Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one? <BR> <img src=""> <BR> If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it? <BR> <img src=""> <BR> Why do croutons come in airtight packages? <BR> Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? <BR> <img src=" Sat, 5 Jul 2014 23:52:57 EST Contemplating Cats There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Anonymous <BR> <BR> "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous <BR> <BR> "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez <BR> <BR> "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb <BR> <BR> "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley <BR> <BR> "One cat just leads to another." --Er... Thu, 3 Jul 2014 01:02:06 EST Laughs At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls. <BR> After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?" <BR> Without looking up from his paper my husband replied, "About 10 years." <BR> <BR> A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to... Tue, 1 Jul 2014 21:46:42 EST Late Nite Funnies A man walked into McDonald's with a knife in his back. Yeah, with a knife in his back. His heart wasn't in danger until he ordered the food, said doctors. -Conan O'Brien <BR> <BR> NBC is making a movie about the Beatles. However, they will not be allowed to use the Beatles music and they will not be allowed to use the Beatles likenesses. Other than that it's a green light all the way. -David Letterman <BR> <BR> The American men's soccer team advanced to the knockout round in the World Cup a... Mon, 30 Jun 2014 23:56:57 EST If Abraham had tweeted: The Gettysburg Address <BR> 87 yrs ago, our fathers did stuff. Now big war. Govt by people good. <BR> <BR> On the south's firing upon Fort Sumter <BR> Oh No you Di'int <BR> <BR> The Emanipation Proclamation <BR> Slaves free! (if living in Confed.) rest of you--not so much. <BR> <BR> Ford's Theater <BR> Play s'posed 2 B good. Am dying to see. <BR> <BR> <BR> Sun, 29 Jun 2014 21:33:53 EST Oh, those doctor bills! <img src=""> Sun, 29 Jun 2014 15:53:39 EST Soccer <img src=""> Mon, 23 Jun 2014 17:52:05 EST Maxine's wit <img src=""> Mon, 23 Jun 2014 17:50:20 EST IT WAS A REFERENCE TO A GEOMETRY RULE "There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides." <BR> <BR> You probably had geometry too long ago to remember this rule: "the square of the hypotenuse (the side opposite the right a... Mon, 23 Jun 2014 15:59:29 EST Laugh till your sides ache Biggest Sign <BR> <BR> Shopkeeper Smith was alarmed when a new business, much like his own, opened in the storefront to the left of him. A huge sign was installed, reading BEST DEALS. <BR> Mr. Smith was troubled a second time when another competitor leased the building on his right, and erected a much larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES. <BR> At this point Smith was really depressed, however, he came up with an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own read MAIN ENTRANCE. ... Mon, 23 Jun 2014 02:36:03 EST What won't they think of next! <img src=""> Fri, 20 Jun 2014 23:20:42 EST Late Nite Jokes Lawmakers in Jamaica are now considering a bill that would legalize marijuana. Let me repeat myself: Lawmakers in Jamaica are considering a bill to legalize marijuana. In related news, lawmakers in Italy are considering a bill to legalize spaghetti, and lawmakers in Ireland are considering a bill to legalize whiskey. -Jimmy Fallon <BR> <BR> A Whole Foods store in New York will start offering customers cocktails while they shop. It's part of Whole Foods' new slogan, "You'd have to be drunk to... Fri, 13 Jun 2014 01:09:51 EST 3200 YEAR OLD TREE Took 126 photos stitched together to show the whole tree! <BR> That's a man standing down at the bottom! <BR> <BR> <img src=""> Fri, 13 Jun 2014 00:55:55 EST Bullying rap These kids blew me away! <BR> <BR> <link> </link> Wed, 4 Jun 2014 01:24:49 EST Translation Help, I'm in trouble (treble clef). I ran over something sharp (#), and now my tire is flat (b). I need a quarter (quarter note) for the phone. Do I need to repeat (:||) any of that? <BR> <BR> I couldn't do the quarter note or treble clef on my keyboard... Tue, 3 Jun 2014 22:00:41 EST Can you translate this? <img src=""> Mon, 2 Jun 2014 22:03:03 EST Late Nite funnees The L.A. Clippers have been sold. Yes, I also don't really care. Everyone is like, "Oh, OK." The Clippers have been sold for $2 billion. That got your attention. -Craig Ferguson <BR> <BR> Donald Sterling paid only $12 million to buy the Clippers. This deal is very uncomfortable for the former owner because it puts him in the black. -Craig Ferguson <BR> <BR> President Obama had lunch today with Hillary Clinton. Hillary told the president, "After phoning my top advisers, I think I'll run for ... Mon, 2 Jun 2014 21:51:54 EST For all the ladies who drive alone... I had a flat tire on I-205 yesterday; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk. <BR> <BR> I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! <BR> <BR> Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men which made it much safer for me to work on the side of the road. <BR> <BR> People honked and waved, and it wasn't long before a police car pulled up ... Sun, 1 Jun 2014 17:54:35 EST Liar, Liar... <img src=""> Sat, 31 May 2014 21:50:32 EST