SUEBRAVERMAN's SparkPeople Blog SUEBRAVERMAN's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Back to it. After a very nasty week, here I am again. I can't look forward to this week. I'm already exhausted, disheartened and depressed. Ignorance is bliss...I understand that now. I can't be ignorant...I tried. <BR> <BR> My two year old is acting up and destroying everything he can get his hands on. ( I know "terrible twos" but this is just awful Alex) My partner lost his job and my employer is considering writing me up...for a minor mistake. Terrible week and this week will be better only by not ... Mon, 29 Jul 2013 13:02:17 EST No more Ms Nice Girl. I read a book about how we deal with others and its impact on us as people and our lives on the whole. Nice Girls let people run all over them...borrow money, do their dirty work, do their jobs...impose on them. My problem is that I'm too nice. I let myself go last, make time for everyone else, take abuse (not in a physical way) from others and let people be mean to me. I'm not Christian so turn the other cheek doesn't apply to me. Yet, the lessons I was taught about femininity are programm... Wed, 29 May 2013 12:02:17 EST I can do it! These are the things within my power: <BR> <BR> Getting rid of negative, self-destructive, self-loathing talk. <BR> Making good food choices. <BR> Getting up and working out. <BR> Finding something to love about me...EVERY DAY! <BR> Drinking my water. <BR> Eating my fruits and veggies. <BR> Resisting punishing myself when I fall short of goal. <BR> Letting myself be human. <BR> <BR> Things NOT within my power. <BR> <BR> Magically losing 100 lbs. <BR> Being perfect in every way. <BR> Time t... Wed, 15 May 2013 12:09:41 EST Back on the wagon! Back in the saddle...not giving up. I am back on track. Not going to stop, not ever! <em>224</em> Tue, 14 May 2013 13:44:48 EST Super tired of losing the same five pounds. I see the scale creep down...slowly and then back up again. This isn't a surrender as much as it is a statement of renewed commitment. It's time to get serious. It's time to write it down, work it out, and hold myself accountable. Fri, 3 May 2013 12:21:28 EST It's about me! No matter's about me. It's about health. My can't be about anything else. Not my kids...not my spouse...not my family as a whole...because if they all left tomorrow it would leave only me. Self-pity replaced with self-kindness...hating myself forgotten and loving myself as the theme of the rest of my life. I am just as important as anyone else. I accept myself as an imperfect being but still worthy of love. Paying attention to my health ... Thu, 2 May 2013 13:01:13 EST April was a rough month. Death, illness, oppressive heat, setbacks and exhaustion that goes to the core. Here's to May! Let's pray for a better month. I will get ahead in May. I hope the same for all of you. Bless you! <BR> <em>403</em> Tue, 30 Apr 2013 12:17:13 EST Not lazy. Never lazy. I always have a (metaphorical) full plate. I work, have children, a loving relationship and a house to manage. I constantly do more than is required of me and often more than my job description. When people call me lax I tend to take it personally. Just because of my size would this happen...outward appearance. Nothing more than that. I'm fat so obviously a slacker at work, a layabout at home or a curiosity to see walking about instead of riding a motorized scooter. For the record...I work... Thu, 25 Apr 2013 11:14:04 EST I gave blood. Feeling better than I thought. The momentary pain was inconsequential. If I can help people then it was worth it. <em>282</em> Thu, 18 Apr 2013 15:19:44 EST Thoughts on Yesterday... I can't think on the horror of yesterday without feeling sick to my stomach. It could have happened anywhere...or here. A group of people had the worst day of their lives because of some a-hole's bombs. Some innocents died...on what should have been a good day. Life is too precious to squander on sloth and laziness...too precious and too short to live a life not worth living. Too short to give to yourself make time for yourself after everyone else has taken their piece out of you.... Tue, 16 Apr 2013 11:49:12 EST I don't get it. I didn't eat like a prize hog...I did six miles on Friday and six miles on Sunday and didn't lose an ounce. I should be really pissed....but I can't. I think that my medication is to blame but my doctor said that it shouldn't be an issue. Plateau...I don't know. Will I be kicking my own ass this week? You can bet your butt I will. <BR> <BR> <em>85</em> <em>198</em> Mon, 15 Apr 2013 13:12:05 EST Stress, Food and Me. Food pretends to be my friend...just like that friend you had in school who was secretly planning to steal your boyfriend. I am not your friend, Food! You are no comfort to me. When the chips are down...they won't be going down my throat. I mean it! Food is fuel and sometimes it's tasty but ultimately it's not my friend. Especially the chips... <em>473</em> Thu, 11 Apr 2013 11:54:26 EST No Workout today. At least not an official I will be running myself ragged, putting out fires and holding hands of those less able than myself. Wed, 10 Apr 2013 14:08:12 EST Goddess Workout. Snakes and undulations are hard. I will master them! I like to belly dance. I want to be the mistress of my own body! I want to be coordinated and graceful again. I used to dance frequently...I would dance around my room by body loves to move...and I love to move it. Work at it! Nothing comes from wishing but everything comes from doing. <BR> <BR> Today's psych-out brought to you by the Goddess Workout and Coffee! <BR> <BR> <em>106</em> <em>344</em> Tue, 9 Apr 2013 12:16:06 EST Things will change. It's inevitable. It's the way of all things...change. My change starts from within. I'm eating a lot better...better quality food, smaller portions, mindfully eating. I got my fitbit zip and will work with it when I have more time. I'm wearing it now but since I have training today I will probably be sedentary all day...yuck! I packed some treats but no lunch. Luna bars and 100 cal packs of treats. Tomorrow I am in a better position to work out since I am back to my normal schedule. <BR>... Mon, 8 Apr 2013 10:53:25 EST Tired to the core... I'm tired to the core of me. In every possible way. I know that if I keep my food intake the same...Nuts before meals, more veg than fatty foods and keep drinking my won't make up for lack of exercise but at least I won't gain anything. I fully intended to work out, I got my exercise bra on and everything but it's as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Doesn't that count? I'm not going to be a Negative Nancy today but neither am I going to be a Chirpy Cheerleader. Is... Thu, 4 Apr 2013 14:00:32 EST It's Okay. Just okay. Gigi passed on this morning. I'm not sad for her because she was ready to go. She made that very clear. I know that I am sad for those who are left and those who will miss her...that includes me. She always made sure to ask me how my work one ever asks me about work. I loved that about her...I loved her. My son loved her so I'm sad for my little son who cried because he couldn't see his Gigi and was mad because we couldn't take him to her. I'm sad for my sweetheart because his las... Tue, 2 Apr 2013 14:28:27 EST Happy Birthday to me. No cake this 39th birthday, no dinner, no romantic table for two. Just grief and reflection. I'm going to try to make it a better year than the last one. Self acceptance and love....healthy choices and moving forward. That's all I can do. When the chips are down you have to be the one to pick yourself up first and then take whatever help is offered you. That's my plan of action. I have a great family, a man that loves me fat or thin. I have my health for the most part and I have my beautif... Mon, 1 Apr 2013 14:30:16 EST Emotional Eating and Me. I'm a terrible Emotional Eater. I really tried to stick to my healthy eating plan..I really did, including asking for WW soup and salad for my birthday lunch with two-bite cupcakes instead of a bakery cake...but then we found out our beloved Gigi is going to be leaving us soon. I had three cupcakes and four pieces of bread and cheese. I know I will feel yucky for it later. I'M NOT GOING TO BEAT MYSELF UP FOR THIS. On the same vein I also won't be repeating it or eating my feelings. Bless y... Sat, 30 Mar 2013 18:47:53 EST I saw a meme that said something that makes sense, for once. "If life is getting harder, you must have leveled up. "I think I leveled up. Yay me? Work was Terrible yesterday, I got some bad news and some subordinate co-workers argued with me. I got in half of my scheduled work out but was well under my calorie allotment. I really wanted to give in and get the worst possible thing for me...the cheese danish from the vending machine...I didn't get it. I instead came up with a plan to try to mitigate the issue and keep it from happening again. Since I ... Fri, 29 Mar 2013 12:38:20 EST Trying to keep a woman down, huh? No one is going to keep me down. My workout was abbreviated...cause, two year old boy. Work isn't going well...cause, stupidity at levels other than mine. My first instinct was to grab something chocolaty and call it a day. I didn't...I wanted to...but I didn't. I wanted to bring something bad for me for lunch today, I won't. I slept in but it was sleep I needed. I was more tired than I would admit...the last time I powered through it I went to the hospital. I am trying to live and be my ow... Thu, 28 Mar 2013 14:23:32 EST I just read something from O magazine. It made a lot of sense. In order for anything to get better (life, love, body image, work...etc.)you need to apply SALVE. <BR> Self <BR> Acceptance <BR> Love <BR> Value <BR> Esteem. <BR> Treat yourself like you are your own best friend, don't say negative things about cursing your fat thighs, calling yourself stupid or beating yourself up in general. No one would treat their best friend like that...and treating yourself like that is self-destructive. I love me today...I accom... Wed, 27 Mar 2013 11:55:16 EST Underestimate me, if you will. People always seem to think that fat people are lazy, unintelligent or unable to resist the slightest temptation. I'm here to tell you that it's poppycock! Poppycock , I tell you! There's nothing wrong with me that can't be fixed. I have no impulse control problem, I'm not unintelligent and I do more work than my peers. Spare tire aside, they just don't see through it to the real me. The me who loves to dance, imagines fanciful other worlds, is always two steps ahead of them mentally and ... Tue, 26 Mar 2013 13:23:42 EST Enough Already!!! We're told that being fat is ugly, unhealthy, it's rampant and it's going to kill us. We're discriminated against both behind our backs and in front of our faces. We're made figures of fun both publicly and privately. No one sees us as a person of worth, at least no one worth mentioning. I realize that this is coming off as a rant, forgive my indulgence for a millisecond. I'm mad and I simply can't control the words being typed. <BR> <BR> I was walking back to my hotel room after approx... Sun, 24 Mar 2013 21:49:37 EST Another wake up call. 1:30 this time. I love my boy but this is becoming a that is derailing my morning efforts. I have to find a way to get him involved in the morning or set an alarm before his accustomed rising time. It's frustrating. I'm tired and grouchy. Translation: I'm not motivated to do anything. Maybe after this coffee I'll get something powerful done. Maybe more dancing with my boy...or sit-ups during Dora the Explorer. No set back is insurmountable when you use creative thinking. Thu, 21 Mar 2013 13:14:32 EST Sleep and toddlers. My boy , Goddess love him, woke up at the unreasonable hour of 2 a.m. I woke up twice to little elbows and knees in uncomfortable places, then woke up to the gardeners with their weed whackers and leaf blowers. Not feeling it today. Tired, achy and I have an important test today. I did have a good breakfast of an egg and some potatoes O'Brian. I just need to pull the bootstraps and put on my big girl panties and power through it. <em>344</em> Wed, 20 Mar 2013 13:42:35 EST It's been a long time. I know that I need to get better for myself first and everyone else second. I'm committed this time. I see the bingo wings, the dunlap, the chunky thighs and all I can do is tell myself "it's going to be better!" I've made an inspiration board with quotes and 100 beads to represent the pounds I want to lose. I cheat occasionally but it's nothing that is life-shattering. When my two year old son interrupts my workout I find something we can do chasing him around the living ro... Tue, 19 Mar 2013 14:31:42 EST I hurt myself again...fml. I strained my knee yesterday and hip last week. These setbacks are almost too much to bear. I'm back to where I started weight wise. It's really easy to be discouraged. I'm not going to let it happen to me this feeling sorry for myself, no slacking...there are things I can do to keep myself going. I just need to be creative. Mon, 23 Apr 2012 14:16:15 EST I lost every pound I gained last weekend. Plus some fraction of a pound. I know, it was another hedonist, food weekend. I was mostly good all week. I spent most of my time cleaning and walking to and fro to the parking lot and not much else in terms of workouts. I sat down less at work an I think that was a good thing. I was able to sleep more but I am still exhausted. I drank mostly water and had mostly unsweetened or non-caloric sweetner in my tea. The only time I felt starved was when I didn't get a chance to make my dinner and... Thu, 19 Apr 2012 19:59:11 EST Small Victories I know that for me to get this thing done I need to make small changes in how I live. Walk instead of ride, stairs instead of elevator, water instead of juice, milk or soda...when these things change and the change sticks, success isn't far behind. I want the change to stick...desperately. If i can stick to the small changes the big ones won't seem so hard. I want to be a better role model for my children. I want to see them grow and thrive and kiss their babies before I leave this world. ... Mon, 16 Apr 2012 15:27:52 EST I used to think I was lazy. I've been beaten down by life. Had people make fun of me for simply being me. Now people make fun of me for being fat me. I've come to the realization that life may have beat me down but I keep myself down. I need to overcome that. I need to rise above it and learn from it. It's not psycobabble to say that self-love is the much can be overcome by love? Simply loving myself will keep the inner critic from ruining my impetus. Simply loving myself is the way, the only way this is... Wed, 11 Apr 2012 14:37:57 EST I know I'm not unique in this. Had some rough patches and dealt with them by self-soothing with food. I've had setbacks, trials and tragedies and used bad coping skills. Now I'm superheavy and kicking myself for becoming what I used to secretly judge and make fun of. I've turned the glass inward and don't like what I see inward or outward. I know that I only have myself to blame. I also know that it isn't too late...I can start right now. I can change my life for the better. I need a life overhaul. I've let that Negati... Wed, 28 Mar 2012 14:24:13 EST I did 20 minutes of exercise today! Which included 12 minutes of low intensity Yoga. I know that I didn't burn too many calories but it is a baby step in the right direction. Tomorrow I will try to do some belly dancing or my Carmen Electra Striptease DVD. I know if I keep moving, drink lots of water and stay out of restaurants the pounds should melt off. <em>198</em> Tue, 27 Mar 2012 14:32:04 EST I'm not going to slide backwards. I lost my grandpa yesterday. He was 90 years old. After he passed at 1:30 yesterday afternoon I was can be expected when you lose someone you love very much. I could have gorged myself and I thought about it...all I really wanted was grandpa back. He never made me feel bad about my weight and always accepted me and loved me. Even with the acceptance and love he gave me, he wouldn't want me to self-destruct by overeating. Before I went back to his house to comfort and support my f... Mon, 12 Mar 2012 14:34:51 EST Another "naughty" weekend My weekends are always damaging. I eat whenever and usually whatever the kids are eating, I work my butt off doing everything but exercising, I go out to eat because I'm usually too tired to cook, I don't spend the time to make dinners for the week because I am so busy with everthing I didn't get to last week. I know I don't make time for myself and that's bad. I can almost console myself that I only gained back two pounds instead of the five I gained last weekend and lost during the week la... Mon, 5 Mar 2012 12:12:53 EST Happy Leap Day... I finally saw some downward movement with the scale...the pounds I gained from emotional eating and generally being a lazy butt are gone. I can't reward myself just yet but I can celebrate what efforts I have put forward thus far and that those efforts produced results. It's all about loving myself and allowing good things in my life. I've punished myself too long and that never got me anywhere...except sadder and fatter. I just hope I can accomplish everthing else on my "To Do" list. Wait ... Wed, 29 Feb 2012 13:07:05 EST Starting off the day right! I made flat bread pizza this morning, got out the crock pot for Jerry's dinner...a sensible can of black beans, reduced sodium taco seasoning, a can of stewed tomatoes, six cups of water which should reduce after a while, two boneless, skinless chicken breasts a cup of frozen corn and extra chili powder for oomph. I played the Biggest Loser Kinect game...for 15 minutes (baby steps), did a "little" extra core workout (wood chops and child's pose), shared a tangelo with Alex and ate half a flat... Mon, 27 Feb 2012 14:42:15 EST So tired of backsliding. I really need to get on the ball. Cooking healthfully is not a problem. Getting sufficient exercise is always a problem. Fri, 24 Feb 2012 12:00:51 EST Had a great food day yesterday. I ate protein and grain for breakfast, had protein and grains for lunch and fruit and veg for dinner. For desert I had a blood orange and later a stick of apple pie-flavored gum. I wasn't starving or crabby and had a good attitude. I can have the things I crave but I have to be better about it...more creative. Even when time is short and I'm busy there are always shortcuts. Nothing is beyond my's attainable. Even if the scale shows change so slowly, I have to keep going...modif... Wed, 22 Feb 2012 11:40:24 EST Decisions. I decided some important things lately. No more letting time vampires suck the life out of me. I need a new job. I need to get the weight off. No more excuses. I will find something to love about myself. Today I love my body's ability to have beautiful babies...I am truly blessed to have my son and daughter. I will take time for myself even if it's only that hour of combined break time. That time is mine and mine alone. I need to live the life I want. I know that as women we keep ourse... Mon, 20 Feb 2012 15:01:14 EST Stress Journal day 3. I guess I am a 10 today. I don't usually get upset by work like this but it's looking like I'm going to have to rearrange my whole life again. This every six months rebidding is getting old. <em>28</em> Wed, 15 Feb 2012 15:15:03 EST Stress Journal day 2. I'm A level 9 out of 10...bad. The kids run the house and all I can do is cry and hope that somehow things will get better. Since they aren't "technically" my kids and we see them six nights a month, tops...any rule making is largely for show since they break the rules as soon as we make them. Every week we fight about how the kids make the house unlivable and unsafe for my 16 month old boy...every week I cry. I can't let this de-rail any of my progress...slow going as it may be. Plus I sa... Sun, 12 Feb 2012 12:59:53 EST Stress Journal On a scale from one to ten my stress level is 9=bad. I have several mountains of laundry to do with a messy kitchen and there's only one of me...It's overwhelming. <em>198</em> Fri, 10 Feb 2012 17:25:22 EST How do you keep yourself on track without using Guilt? I don't like guilt. Never been a fan. It sends me into the emotional eating spiral. That spiral never goes anywhere fun...unless you think undoing your hard work is fun. <BR> <BR> Reward systems can work only if you have a viable reward to get yourself. I can't promise myself a trip to Hawaii for losing 10 pounds. I don't pay for pedicures and I don't like expensive purses. When I do lose weight I'm going to need a new wardrobe anyway so promising myself new clothes is a given...either... Fri, 10 Feb 2012 11:53:44 EST I had a hard week. Gained all the pounds I lost. Sure, I was an emotional wreck but that's just an excuse. No more excuses. I can't let myself slide even if I got bad news. I know that anyone who loves me wouldn't want their tragedy to be compounded by me killing myself with food and bad habits. There are days when I am going to be sad and days where I feel good and neither one should be days when I over eat or comfort eat. There are things that my body won't let me do until I lose this weight that has been h... Thu, 9 Feb 2012 11:33:03 EST As I sit here... I think about my children and what example I am setting for them. My daughter especially because I am her number 1 role model. She's learning how to be a woman from me. Some of it IS positive...I'm a feminist and don't compromise my belief system because someone may not like it. I want so much more for her than I ever had for myself. I grew up with parents with screwed up eating habits...corn and green beans were the only things that dared call themselves vegetables in my house...meat an... Thu, 26 Jan 2012 12:11:47 EST It didn't take me long... I had a kind of bad day yesterday. I fell, lost an earring and was late to work. I know I am an emotional eater so it wasn't surprising to me that I ate chocolate, potato chips and had a soda (diet but still bad for me). I didn't like the guilt I heaped on myself...I should know better than that...I do know better than that. Guilt is a useless emotion that sends you into a spiral...guilt...blame...self-pity...more eating...guilt...blame...self-pity...more eating. NO! I'm not doing to ... Tue, 24 Jan 2012 15:02:13 EST