SONGBUDDHA's SparkPeople Blog SONGBUDDHA's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community bravery I'm not sure what to write, but I want to blog, so let's see what comes. <BR> <BR> My motivation and energy around Sparking has been lower for the past week than when I started being on the website again. I haven't found a good way to be on SP when I'm not feeling motivated or successful. I'm not sure how to do that. <BR> <BR> There are a lot of other places taking my energy these days, neither good nor bad, just present for me. I am still reading Daring Greatly (slowly) and loving it. ... Mon, 14 Apr 2014 20:58:40 EST A Perfect Day outside the arena! Most of the time this day would not count for my perfect day, but after a busy 2 weeks, it is just what I needed! The skies have been pouring down rain all day, it is SO dark outside. I walked the dogs (all 3!) early before the weather got too bad. I also got to and from the library before the downpour. But since then, I've been chilling, doing little things around the house, watching Brene Brown TED videos (I'm a bit obsessed), and reading. In a bit we're going to have some popcorn, wat... Wed, 2 Apr 2014 17:02:17 EST "Pain!" A Mantra I am reading a great book called, 'Daring Greatly' by Brene Brown. It is really, really good. It discussed what the author has learned in her years of research on shame and vulnerability. At one point, she describes a tactic of what to do when shame hits. Or when you realize that your negative voice is speaking in your ear. She says to repeat the word, PAIN, over and over again until there is some measure of being able to confront the voice or shame instead of letting it take root. <BR> ... Wed, 26 Mar 2014 18:57:23 EST Here you come again Hi There. <BR> <BR> 191 days since I last blogged. Way more than that since I last tracked. <BR> One way to look at my life the past 2 years is that it has not gone how I wanted it to. That I became one of 'those people' who I swore I would not become---someone who GAINED WEIGHT BACK after losing it. And now I'm coming back with my head hung low, ashamed, and embarrassed; ready to make a big proclamation about coming back and starting over. <BR> <BR> But f*!k that. For real. <BR> <BR> ... Sun, 23 Mar 2014 11:03:10 EST Keeping On I was here in June and tracked for the first time in months. And the demons over tracking my 2300 calorie day were too hard to suppress after. So I decided that, for then, I wasn't going to consider tracking. I had enough on my plate and was having too hard a time not feeling bad about myself to add that. Denial? Maybe. But it was too hard and too soon. <BR> <BR> So I try again now. It is made easier by the fact that my calories yesterday were in range. I want to see if I can, gentl... Thu, 12 Sep 2013 10:12:05 EST howdy stranger! (grief and ending my MIA status) Hi There, <BR> It's been 4 months since I've been on SP; by far the longest break in my 5 years here. <BR> <BR> There is a lot I would love to tell you (that isn't true), but I'm not going to write it all, because I think writing about what I haven't been able to do would be self defeating. Self defeating has become my specialty! But not tonight. <BR> <BR> So I am going to try to tell you briefly about my months with compassion toward myself and leave judgment at bay. Not easy. <BR> <... Thu, 20 Jun 2013 20:10:12 EST The calm before the 5 week storm. The news last week was kind of worst case scenario. My Dad 's bone marrow cancer worsened and he now also has Leukemia. The prognosis is not good, but there is some hope. I am trying not to focus on statistics too much and just stay positive. <BR> As of Tuesday he comes to Siteman Cancer Center to begin a 5 week intensive chemo treatment. It's going to be really rough on him. Mom is moving in with us to be with him (we live 10 minutes from Siteman). There is more of a mortality risk tha... Sat, 16 Feb 2013 11:47:10 EST staying strong with bad news I am currently managing to do something that eluded me most of the year 2012--keep taking care of myself and making good choices through stress! My Dad (who has been sick with bone cancer for the past 4 years and spent a good chunk of last year in the hospital and very ill) had his blood counts on Thursday. They showed that his cancer is either suddenly very aggressive or has moved on to Leukemia (what this type of cancer does). He had a bone marrow biopsy that day, and we will get all the... Sat, 9 Feb 2013 13:41:17 EST 2 blogs in 2 days! Rock Climbing, Ramadan, Negativity, and Alcohol <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Hi There, <BR> <BR> Here I am again! managing to do a little more than just track. <BR> <BR> I had a great workout and a 2 great realizations today (not bad, right?): <BR> <BR> workout = all my PT strength exercises (all core stuff for my back and hip, my core is getting stronger than ever!) <BR> <BR> Realization #1: I was reading about 2 local Spark friends who went rock climbing last weekend. This is some... Wed, 6 Feb 2013 19:18:14 EST well hello there! It's been a while, but lots of things have been happening--positive things even! <BR> Despite this, I have been very unmotivated to blog or track. I'm not sure what's going on, but it's been a while now. I feel motivated until I actually get onto the SP website and then I get suddenly tired. But I'm also continuing to get my feet under me. I went on a retreat in the woods 2 weeks ago, and it was really, really helpful. I do love lists, so let's just update everyone with a list of things ... Tue, 5 Feb 2013 15:42:11 EST OK, let's try some goals for this week Time to act as if, even though I am so not feeling it. But I am not going to get anywhere waiting to feel it, so here we go. <BR> <BR> The good news is my time for interior work is increasing. I have struggled with this for a while (finding the time, investing the energy, etc). That is going well. The eating is still what I call octopus eating--because it seems like I have 8 arms for as much as I'm picking at food and putting it in my mouth. And still drinking a bit too much. <BR> I ... Mon, 10 Dec 2012 15:05:34 EST What's the opposite of sparking? Not sure what the opposite is, and I'm not at the opposite of sparking my way along. But I would say my Spark motivation is and has been low for a while. I am still trying (with some success) to eat well everyday. The long time of not being able to exercise has taken its toll. I just haven't felt like tracking or being on SP while my motivation is a little lower. It's not terrible-- to quote one of my favorite songs by Girlyman, "I'm not on fire, not burned out, just somewhere different... Sat, 8 Dec 2012 12:00:50 EST it's getting better all the time The good news about not being able to work out for 2 full weeks is that I am finally out of the phase of not working out where it kills me every morning. It doesn't bother me that I'm getting used to not working out b/c I know how forward I am looking to restarting. But the kind of depressive fog that happens when I don't work out for a few days, that has lifted. <BR> <BR> As has my back pain. It's not nearly normal or perfect, but I've been in some serious pain for the past 2 weeks, and ... Wed, 7 Nov 2012 11:56:57 EST A letter to my future self who doesn't feel like working out As I wrote yesterday in my blog, I am redefining what daily health looks like through the scope of the injuries I currently have. As part of that, I have written a letter to myself for those days in the (hopefully not too distant) future when I don't feel like working out. Right now, I can't imagine ever feeling that way again, but we all know I will at some point. I want to remember the feeling I have today when I don't feel like working out. Enjoy: <BR> --------------------------------... Sun, 4 Nov 2012 12:31:52 EST TIme to get it together The problem is inflexibility. And I don't mean yoga poses, I mean my own internal ability to accept change and realign my priorities and self. Through my foot injury since May I have been adapting pretty well. I've been handling the new set backs with my attitude of acting like the person I want to be: positive despite setbacks, encountering each difficulty with a feeling of enthusiastic, OK, time to change the game plan, what will it be? <BR> <BR> My last blog described that whole attit... Sat, 3 Nov 2012 16:19:14 EST The Straw that Broke my Back If you've read my blogs before, you know that staying positive is a big deal for me. And I've really been able to channel that positivity through some challenging things in the past months. But it is getting ridiculous, and my positivity, while not gone, is not around. <BR> <BR> June 27th: I recommit to making SP and my health my #1 priority. I decide to deal with the negative voice and my plateau and really get into it. <BR> <BR> July: Diagnosed with a stress fracture, have to give u... Wed, 31 Oct 2012 14:09:53 EST Successful Stay-Cation! The bad news is, real life begins again tomorrow. <BR> The good news is, my stay-cation was AWESOME. And it was not without challenges. My foot is hurting pretty much every day (11 days and counting until my specialist appointment). And I need a root canal, which I'm getting in 2 days, but that tooth is pretty painful as well. It's making my whole face hurt, and the pressure when I swim makes it a little worse. And you may recall that I was pretty anxious about this stay-cation in terms... Mon, 22 Oct 2012 15:47:50 EST Here we go--a week of stay-cation! I have been a little anxious about this stay-cation that starts NOW. Worried that I have been having a much easier time choosing healthy behaviors when I am in my work schedule, not so much on the weekends. So now I have a 6 day weekend. Makes a girl nervous. <BR> <BR> So I started it with a great swim at the Y, and a breakfast of egg whites and kale. I don't normally eat that for breakfast, but we are also celebrating our stay-cation by going out to brunch later. I already picked out ... Wed, 17 Oct 2012 10:21:59 EST Motivation Behind the Desire to lose weight On SparkCoach today, I was challenged to think about the reason why I have been doing this for almost 5 years now. Why do I want to be fit? Why do I want to keep working toward this goal weight. <BR> <BR> I was on my way to blog about my injury (still there and still very frustrating), my purchase of a swimsuit for 'serious swimming' yesterday (I know that the swim suit store workers are not there to help me with my emotional needs but throw a not-emaciated girl a bone here! I did finally... Sun, 14 Oct 2012 15:27:43 EST Work Out Rage Has it ever happened to you? Doing cardio and the rage just builds until you feel like you're going to blow? <BR> It's only happened to me twice. Once was this morning. <BR> <BR> I am just so frustrated at my foot, my lack of being able to do anything but seated cardio, and blah, blah, blah. <BR> <BR> So this AM I'm trying to do my seated cardio. I do it like interval training: 5 min. of seated cardio, 5 minutes of ST, etc, etc. But this AM it just got to be too much. I feel SILLY... Tue, 9 Oct 2012 20:34:09 EST And the experts' answer to my question is.... (plus I don't have a stress fracture) Well, predictably, there was not definitive answer. Why do I keep looking for them! <BR> But here are some of the highlights of the coach's response (they don't tell you which coach is answering. I'm sure someone else could figure it out by writing style, but it's not me!) <BR> <BR> --They can't get into my logs (food or exercise) due to privacy issues, so they can't give that kind of personal response <BR> <BR> --food should be varied, just like exercise <BR> <BR> --at least 9 servings ... Sat, 6 Oct 2012 12:34:19 EST My long question to the Spark Coaches I just wrote this long possibly convoluted question to the SparkCoaches (as part of being on the SparkCoach team). Thought I would share it here as well. We'll see what they say. <BR> ----------------------------------------<BR>-------------- <BR> <BR> This is a long question, but I’ve never asked one, so maybe I can use up some unused weeks! <BR> <BR> I have a question that is probably one of your most frequently asked—why am I not seeing any progress on the scale? I read Coach Nicole... Wed, 3 Oct 2012 17:59:51 EST My best excuses for not working out This is the assignment for Spark Coach today--to blog about what my best excuses are when I decide not to work out, and how I counter them. <BR> This is a tricky one right now, because I have, as of yesterday, given up biking for 2 weeks. <BR> Biking was my last bastion of hard core cardio left while my foot is fractured (stress fracture). I obviously gave up running, and then tried the elliptical (not pounding at least, right). When my foot was not getting better, my PT friend urged me to ... Mon, 24 Sep 2012 20:31:31 EST It's not my fault!!! blame my mother! Eating most of your calories at one meal--NOT helpful. <BR> I know this, but yesterday it wasn't my fault! Truly! So I probably could have made a few better decisions, but I did pretty well under the circumstances. <BR> <BR> All of my mom's sisters are in town, and we had planned for them to come into the city (where I live) around noon, show them my house, the shelter where I work, etc, then go to lunch. I had it all planned. I scouted the possible menus that Mom had mentioned. I plann... Sat, 22 Sep 2012 09:48:14 EST Defying Gravity <img src=""> <BR> <BR> On SparkCoach, SparkGuy posed the following question (paraphrased): <BR> if gravity did not exist, and scales had not been invented, how would you rate your fitness or health? How would you know how you're doing? <BR> <BR> When I went into that particular coaching session, the title about maintaining motivation despite the scale made me a little ho hum. For those of us who have been on SP a while (going on 4.5 y... Wed, 19 Sep 2012 09:58:55 EST 2 moments of realizations, brought to you by biking I should preface by saying that yesterday was a little bit of a hard day. It was a hard day that turned into not measuring and thus drinking too much wine. It was a hard day that turned into me being unable to refocus my energy towards the positive (something I've been doing pretty consistently since June 27the and this whole new 5% philosophy came into play). So there I was, drinking too much wine and being negative. It made for a bit of a difficult evening. But I know where it's all co... Thu, 13 Sep 2012 10:34:46 EST Stress Fracture Blues (elliptical was not a good idea) :( Well, I was riding pretty high--despite my stress fracture in my right foot (5th metatarsal), I have been riding my bike a ton and working out really hard on the elliptical (the podiatrist said neither would probably hurt me). I have also been STing like crazy. I have really been keeping a positive sense, congratulating myself on staying positive and working so hard despite my injury. <BR> <BR> Looks like I'm going to have to dig a little more deeply. I have to admit to myself that my foot... Sun, 9 Sep 2012 13:43:39 EST Nachos and the Scale How is the 5% going? Thanks for asking! <BR> If you look at the scale...well it is not moving very well. I had gotten down to 188, but this morning weighed in at 189 or 190 depending on the angle! I have a digital scale coming from Amazon, but am currently using a non-digital. It leaves a little room for interpretation (dangerous!). I am nervous about getting the new scale. We bough a cheap digital from BBandB, and instead of 189 I suddenly weighed 197! But the scale proved to not work very ... Thu, 6 Sep 2012 14:05:05 EST Scales and Nachos How is the 5% going? Thanks for asking! <BR> If you look at the scale...well it is not moving very well. I had gotten down to 188, but this morning weighed in at 189 or 190 depending on the angle! I have a digital scale coming from Amazon, but am currently using a non-digital. It leaves a little room for interpretation (dangerous!). I am nervous about getting the new scale. We bough a cheap digital from BBandB, and instead of 189 I suddenly weighed 197! But the scale proved to not work... Wed, 5 Sep 2012 09:41:04 EST Keeping the Spark and Living the 5% when it doesn't come naturally I've been really on track for a long time now. <BR> Since a few months ago (June 27th to be exact), a switch turned on in my head thanks to a blog I read. I realized that I have a lot more power in me than I had previously known. I realized I was the driver, and that it was within me to chose positive thinking and motivation every day, that these were not gifts handed down from the Gods and bestowed on deserving people. I realized that I could, and will be one of the 5% who gets there and ... Tue, 28 Aug 2012 20:27:55 EST This whole daily inventory thing from Sparkcoach is awesome. <BR> I have renamed in awesomeness and challenges. <BR> I realized the other day that I am getting better at countering my negative voice, but not giving enough credence to singing my own praises when I do things that are awesome. <BR> This occurred to me as I was riding my bike to work, lamenting the fact (blasting myself) that I had not been doing much cardio. <BR> Then I realized that was ONE way to look at it, the other way is: <BR> WOW! you are biking! With a stress fract... Fri, 17 Aug 2012 15:37:47 EST Post Vacation Blog I've actually been back from vacation for over a week now, but just sitting down to recap everything. <BR> What a GREAT vacation! <BR> The only negative was that my foot is in a boot for my stress fracture, and it really inhibited my mobility, but aside from that, it was really, really wonderful. <BR> <BR> Here were my lofty goals. The goals which I really didn't think I could possibly attain: <BR> <BR> I will: <BR> do strength training 5 out of every 7 days! <BR> --We ST'd 9 out of 14... Fri, 10 Aug 2012 16:00:20 EST Vacation Update. I am DOING IT!!! We're back at the coffee shop for a quick check in. Blogging a few days ago really set my mind and spirit in the right place, so I wanted to do it again! Thanks for all the positive messages! <BR> <BR> It is going GREAT!!! Better than great. I am amazed at my strength and my tenacity at putting that negativity away. <BR> <BR> Here's what I said I was gonna do and how I'm doing: <BR> <BR> I will: <BR> do strength training 5 out of every 7 days! WE HAVE ST'd EVERY DAY WE'VE BEEN HERE. ... Mon, 23 Jul 2012 11:44:31 EST vacation (not quite all i ever wanted, but still) I'm checking in very quickly at a coffee shop here in Saugatuck, MI where we will spend 2 glorious weeks on vacation. It's our 4th time here, and this year we brought the 2 dogs (we left the sweet foster dog in someone else's care for 2 weeks), and we are RIGHT on the beach. So it is pretty delightful. <BR> <BR> We have been really talking a lot about making this a 5% vacation. That is, making this be an active, positive, on track, living the 5% of people who will lose weight and maintain... Thu, 19 Jul 2012 13:31:19 EST A rare night blog OK, so it's only 9pm, but my brain mostly shuts down at 8pm or so. I am not a night owl. I wake up mostly raring to go every morning. <BR> But I'll attempt a blog anyway. <BR> I don't have anything deep to say, but I want to be writing more, and I missed my normal Wednesday blog date with myself. <BR> <BR> Things are going very well. My motivation is not as perfect as it was the last several weeks, but this new voice inside of me speaks calmly and lovingly to me and reminds me I can d... Thu, 12 Jul 2012 22:22:47 EST Continuing the dream! It's been a week and a half since putting myself in the driver's seat again, and I am still feeling very good. The past 2 days were a little tricky, those first days of want being a little stronger than it had been. It is always so true that I will feel better about an INTENTIONAL 1900 calorie day than a SNEAKY, WANTING 1500 calorie day. Yesterday I stayed on track, ate what I had planned and stayed on track. But there was the extra sip or 2 of wine, the extra lick of goat cheese after me... Sun, 1 Jul 2012 12:41:32 EST Living the 5%! I read a great blog the other day, the timing of which was perfect for me: <BR> <BR><BR>_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=492911<BR>8#comments <BR> <BR> In the blog, TINASWEEP talks about how the process of regaining lost weight creeps up on you. None of us would stand for suddenly regaining 50% of our weight back. But it doesn't happen suddenly, and 1 or 2 pounds at a time is a lot easier to deal with than 50. But the 1 to 2 get to 50 SO quickly, r... Wed, 27 Jun 2012 10:52:32 EST Goals and Dark Corners A quick check in. <BR> Things have been pretty calm around here, which is GREAT! We had a community retreat over the weekend. It was nice to get away and have some time for thought and prayer. <BR> What came to me again this weekend was that at this point in my life it is really time to continue digging into my negative voice / esteem issues and have them get my attention in a positive way. I've been taking about this for a while now. I think the way to start doing it is to take more qu... Wed, 13 Jun 2012 17:36:59 EST Mixed Drinks, French Open, negative voices and long weekends <img src=""> <BR> <BR> The French Open is on, so we've been starting to spend some time watching. I LOVE tennis. We haven't played yet this year b/c of my partner's ankle injury, but I can't wait. I'm not sure how to adapt the 5 fingers to play, so that should be interesting! I am so sad Serena Williams already lost, but my boy Roger Federer is looking good! <BR> <BR> I had a little bit of a slow 4 day weekend. We had a wedding, a ... Wed, 30 May 2012 12:50:40 EST The Brown Basmati Debacle! <img src=""> <BR> Things are going a lot better this week. <BR> Nothing like 7 days of being mostly on track with food and exercise to kick motivation in gear a bit. <BR> I tracked every day! <BR> I ate within range 5 out of 7 days (and the other 2 were not too far out). <BR> I worked out 6 days! 5 cardio and 2 ST! <BR> <BR> I feel good. A little more centered. I'm not fooling myself into thinking I'm 'there'. Where is 'there' any... Sun, 20 May 2012 18:41:13 EST Unsure how to proceed, a frazzled blog 4 days ago I sat here in this very chair and wrote out a bunch of goals and felt all good and excited. Then I ate over my range for 3 days while not exercising due to a back injury. <BR> <BR> I feel a little like I am at a crossroads and am unsure how to proceed. I reread some of my initial blogs. How full of life I was! How energized I was even though the going was rough! I have now been at about the same weight for the past year and a half (plus a few pounds added in the past stressf... Sun, 13 May 2012 17:51:44 EST Move It May!! goals and ramblings It has been a long time since I have had the energy to think about goals. Since the end of last year, it has been enough to get by. <BR> But, for right now, I feel done with that. I knew the time would come when I would feel the energy to revitalize begin to flow into my veins again, and I think it's here. For the first weeks of April I was really on track, but in a kind of white knuckle way. I felt deprived, and it was hard. Granted it's never easy, but for a long time there it felt na... Mon, 7 May 2012 16:14:35 EST 5 fingers, avoiding negativity, and Lady Gaga 3 weeks back in to tracking. My goal was to track, not even to be within my calorie range (which is newer and more restrictive since I reset my goals). But 3 weeks in and I have been very consistent. More so during the week then on the weekends, but still. I didn't expect to come out of the gate so strongly. I'm pleased. After one week I lost 4 pounds. Not a surprise--I had probably been eating 2200 to 2500 calories a day and exercising somewhat inconsistently. The 2nd week I stayed ... Wed, 4 Apr 2012 17:22:38 EST Reclaiming Life 2012 (or, wow, have things been rough for a while) It’s been a while. I’m not even sure what to write, so I’ll keep it simple. The last 8 months have been rough. My Dad continues to struggle with illness, and Jenny and I struggling with having him and Mom live with us a good deal of the time as we help care for them. In February we had 5 days between the homeless family moving out (who stayed with us for 4 1/2 years) and my folks moving in. It has been a difficult time. <BR> <BR> And I wish SO much that I could tell you about how I mana... Wed, 21 Mar 2012 15:54:05 EST I'm still here! Hi friends. <BR> It is always so nice to have people checking in on me even when I'm not really participating. Thanks! <BR> <BR> Things here are moving along. It has still been rough. My dad is now entering an experimental study in hopes that it will cause some difference in his prognosis. <BR> <BR> We have asked the family who has lived with us for 4+ years to move on. It was such a hard decision, but a healthy one for us; a necessary one for us to be sure. <BR> <BR> These things are ... Tue, 1 Nov 2011 20:46:02 EST Rough Times It's been a while again. And there have been some rough times. <BR> And frankly, I'm tired of having rough times. If you will permit me to whine just a little bit--- <BR> this house I live in is hard. It has been harder and harder for 4 years (offering hospitality to a homeless family). They turned out not to be the family we probably should have asked to live with us, but because the 3 kids' lives are being transformed, we keep doing it even though there are many indicators that we shoul... Wed, 5 Oct 2011 08:42:36 EST Post vacation and on track!! Life after vacation is never really very easy. But things are going well. We didn’t return to our ‘normal’ life. Jenny has been at a permaculture class 9 hours a day 6 days a week since our return. It has made us feel busier than normal, but it’s been very invigorating to continue to dream our little city lot and all of the things we can do with it. <BR> <BR> On vacation I decided (kind of) to go easier on the alcohol to see if that made a difference in my SP goals. Since we got back, ... Wed, 24 Aug 2011 18:14:37 EST So here is the basic problem....thoughts on negative thinking while on vacation. Here's the problem--- I decided to write a blog update to my last blog. A few days ago I wrote the trauma that we have been living through. I wrote about how my eating had followed down the dark path, followed (or preceded?) quickly by self-loathing and negative thinking. <BR> <BR> I wrote about being frustrated this far along in the game with how much my self-esteem from day to day is tied in to how well my eating and exercising are (ie, can I feel good about myself today or not? let's... Thu, 28 Jul 2011 15:16:48 EST Time to Act as If My last blog entry---seems like so long ago. I had made goals for Memphis and met them all. I was feeling so good and on. <BR> Until last week anyway. We have been fostering Robert (a 16 year old) for the past 6 months, and had planned to keep him until his high school graduation. We felt great having him. It made all of the suffering of our house for the past 3 and a half years seem worth something--we were finally getting life from it (Robert's Mom and 2 siblings live upstairs in our... Sun, 24 Jul 2011 17:21:27 EST I rocked Memphis! I am so happy to report that I met all my goals in Memphis! <BR> <BR> I ate within range every day, and worked out every day! The hotel had a really nice work out room. I ran on the treadmill 2 days and did the elliptical one day. AND I did some strength training one of the days. <BR> <BR> The manager's reception (free food and drinks) was OK. I took a diet soda and popcorn every day, and had a few sips of Jenny's mixed drink to not feel sorry for myself. Somehow it all worked. It usu... Wed, 6 Jul 2011 17:32:51 EST