SNOWJESTER's SparkPeople Blog SNOWJESTER's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community I literally have no strength... Uh oh. I know my seventy pound weight loss, while great, could have been better if I'd actually been exercising. As far as excuses go, I think living and working in the Amazon rain forest will suffice for why I wasn't doing a zumba routine. But when I go back this time, I'm going to have to make something up. I can jog. Yes it's hard in the rainy season with the thigh high mud but I want to keep up my cardio. And I'm very happy that I'm now entering week six of my runners world program and s... Sat, 2 May 2015 20:37:05 EST Fell of the spark wagon, but lost 70 lbs. LOL. What a difference a year makes. I kind of gave up there. But I followed through on my plans to go travelling and spent four months working and living in the Amazon rain forest. No mirrors, no scales, no processed food. <BR> <BR> I came back to the states feeling sane, happy and peaceful. I decided to weigh myself, figuring I had probably lost ten or twenty lbs. Turns out it was fifty. And two months later, I'm now at 70 lbs lost. I was 230 when I left in october. I now weigh 160. <BR> <BR... Wed, 29 Apr 2015 11:54:10 EST Why is the third day so hard? Day 3 med free and on my vlcd. For some reason the third day of reducing calories is usually when disaster strikes and I binge. I'm just going to take it easy, drink tons of water and go to bed early. Which means I should probably put down my coffee... Fri, 23 May 2014 10:10:40 EST Center for Medical Weight Loss? Meh Well the weight loss doctor was triggering but all around unhelpful. If anyone is thinking of trying "center for medical weight loss, CMWL" here's my opinion. They charge $49 for the first visit and during that visit they try to convince you to buy their food for $600 a month. I told the doctor I was vegan and he said no problem, you can eat the oatmeal and tomato soup. I gave him the side eye and he stopped talking, realizing he'd lost me when he had the nerve to suggest I buy $600 worth of ... Thu, 22 May 2014 10:39:28 EST Day 1 med free I know the meds are still in my system and will be for a while. I think the half life are two weeks for one and a month for the other, so I guess I won't feel too bad yet. I actually feel pretty hopeful today. Instead of my morning shot of pills and a huge breakfast, I had some coffee and almond milk and don't feel hungry yet. I've also drank almost 8 oz of water and it's not even 10am. That's probably why I'm not feeling hungry. <BR> <BR> Now I'm trying to find the motivation to exercise. T... Wed, 21 May 2014 09:39:44 EST Going of meds...again I've gone back and forth with anti depressants and abilify and I think it's that time again to step back. The effects are minuscule yet the weight gain is astronomical. So if I weigh the benefits, I have to conclude that it's time to let them go. I'm on three different happy pills yet spent the better part of the day curled up in bed, crying and fighting pill induced food cravings. <BR> <BR> So I need an alternative. I'll try upping my cardio from just relaxed walks and dust of my zumba dvd... Tue, 20 May 2014 10:17:07 EST Subconsciously staying fat? I don't even know if I can call it subconscious anymore. I'm all too conscious of the fact that staying fat has given me an excuse not to live my life. I get to hide away and not participate because if I'm honest, the depression makes me not want to do anything. So is the depression the cause and eating the action? I'm too depressed to go out, have friends, travel, so I'll use being fat as an excuse? And it's an excuse that has served me well. I'm excused from things because my family only wa... Sat, 17 May 2014 07:47:12 EST strength training I went to the gym yesterday and I'm about to go now again. I did a free personal training session. I wish I had the money to hire one all the time. It was informative and surprisingly fun. My trainer has a great personality and was very motivating. I actually enjoyed the gym. And I feel it in my muscles today, so I know I worked hard. <BR> <BR> I think I love strength training. I only did ten minutes of cardio as a warm up, then when right into strength. I'll do an hour cardio today though a... Tue, 1 Oct 2013 12:42:38 EST The gym I've been letting myself slack off on my exercise by telling myself that it's diet that's most important. I modified my diet and lost 8 lbs this week. I know it's water weight, but it's encouraging. But I might have lost 10 if I added in some exercise. <BR> <BR> So I found an awesome groupon and joined a gym for three months, as well as enrolled in something called "the wellness challenge" which sounds awesome. It's a 21 day challenge and you get a nutritionist and personal trainer and are p... Sat, 28 Sep 2013 11:13:14 EST Punishment I can't believe I haven't been on in three months. Well, the abilify experiment failed. I didn't lose weight and my depression got as bad as it gets. So I'm back on it. I can no longer blame this on medicine, I can only blame myself. But I'd rather forgive myself and move on. <BR> <BR> I started reading this book "From Bagels to Buddha". It's like Eat, Pray, Love without the "Eat". She mentions that she was confusing food as nurturing when she was really using it to punish herself. I had an ... Wed, 25 Sep 2013 16:54:19 EST Goodbye Abilify It's been I think three or four days since I stopped taking the abilify. I lost 4 lbs overnight, and then 1 lb today so 5 lbs. It was definitely contributing to my weight gain. My appetite has decreased and so far that's the only withdrawal symptom I'm having. I'm still taking the celexa and deplin which have no effect on weight. I see a new dr on tues and I'm going to hammer in the point that I refuse to take drugs that make you gain weight. <BR> <BR> Seeing 200 lbs at the start of the week... Sat, 8 Jun 2013 11:29:01 EST The better of two evils? I've decided to stop taking one of my anti depressants. Abilify. I didn't realize how many people gained weight on it. I can't say for sure that it's the reason I steadily gained 20 lbs but I think it's a factor. I've quit cold turkey. So far the withdrawl is weird. I feel odd and nauseus and surprise, I have no appetite. It's been three days since I went off of it and today is the first time in months that I didn't overeat, so I think there's a correlation. <BR> <BR> It's a vicious circle. ... Tue, 4 Jun 2013 22:54:12 EST Starting over Well the depression hit and it hit big time. I gained 20 lbs and am just now coming out of it and joining the world again. Today I said I'd just track my food to get an idea of how much I've been eating. It's barely 4pm and I'm over 2000 calories. And I'm probably going to eat dinner. <BR> <BR> So I have to try very hard not to eat after 7.Get back on track by drinking tea and exercising. I could barely manage 5 minutes on the bike today.I'm not going to beat myself up. This is a setback but... Fri, 24 May 2013 16:02:08 EST Day 3 again I made it five days fasting. Then pms hit and I threw it out the window. But I rebounded pretty quickly, only wasted a day. So now it's day 3. Again. Feeling ok. Had some coffee. But later might be a bit of a challenge because I have to start preparing for sat and all the guests. So I'm going grocery shopping today. Not really the best idea when your fasting, but I'm actually not having any cravings. I think the fear of not fitting into a nice dress is suppressing my cravings. <BR> <BR> Mon, 4 Mar 2013 10:11:31 EST Day 4 170. That's better. I've been hanging out in the 170s for far to long. Hopefully tomorrow I'll enter 160 ville. Feeling ok. Day 3 is usually the worst for me during a fast. But to be honest day 4 and 5 aren't much better. I'm not thinking about food as much but it's still ever present in my mind. I don't think there's any easy day on a water fast. But I'm almost halfway there, so that's something to keep in mind. <BR> <BR> I ordered a few...and when I say a few I mean a lot...dresses online.... Thu, 28 Feb 2013 16:29:48 EST Day 3 Day 3 of my fast. I'm down from 174.8 to 173.2. A little shy of two pounds. A little disappointed that that's it to be honest. I hoped that the pay off for my suffering would be more. I'm not one of those people who enjoys fasting. I see youtube videos of people saying how great and light they feel and I wonder if they're lying. Day 3 is definitely the worst for me. I've been staring at food porn and working on recipes for my nephews dedication next week, which is the event I'm fasting for. <... Wed, 27 Feb 2013 13:20:39 EST Knowingly doing the wrong thing I have an event in a little under two weeks so I'm crash dieting. I know perfectly well that I'll more than likely gain the weight back, but I just want to fit into a nice dress. So I'm fasting. Does anyone else do this? Crash diet just for events? It's so ridiculous, and don't worry, I know that fasts don't actually detox the body or any of the other nonsensical claims made by the master cleanse advocates. But it does let you drop weight fast. <BR> <BR> So it's day 2. And I'm feeling surpr... Tue, 26 Feb 2013 09:29:26 EST The Valentine's Birthday :-/ I think it sucks. I'm a year older. If that's not bad enough, I'm reminded at every turn that I'm also alone. lol. I get non vegan chocolates that I can't eat in heart shaped boxes as gifts because they're everywhere, that is, if anyone remembers. Facebook is full of my friends wishing each other happy valentines day. No b-day love for me. <BR> <BR> But I ordered myself some vegan goodies which should hopefully arrive today. So that cheers me up. And I'm down another lbs! 172.6. Not the grea... Thu, 14 Feb 2013 10:36:34 EST Oatmeal obsession All I've eaten today is 2 bowls of oatmeal and I'm about to have a 3rd for dinner. It's my tom and for some reason I'm craving sweet when I usually crave salty. And the only sweet thing I have are raisins and canned pumpkin so I've been making oatmeal with them. Not a nutritiously balanced day, but not bad. <BR> <BR> I haven't exercised in days. I also haven't really been on spark in days. The two seem to go hand. It really is motivating to log in and blog. I'll do better this week. Down ano... Sun, 10 Feb 2013 16:22:09 EST How many should I take? Question. When your best friend is throwing a temper tantrum, how many insults are you supposed to take before you say STOP! <BR> <BR> I took four, before I told her to stop snapping at me. I was almost in tears by that point. Her response was "huh, I'm not snapping at you". Completely clueless. She's mad at someone else and I became the punching bag. It didn't help that I think she's the one whose behaving childishly, not the other friend. I tried to get her to see reason, but she's to piss... Sun, 3 Feb 2013 12:08:42 EST Do or do not Yes I'm starting off the day with yoda quotes. I've had my coffee and oatmeal, now I need to make some time with Jillian Michaels. I did well yesterday. No overeating. I weighed myself today to get an accurate startling point for feb. I was expecting 180 after my past few days of bingeing. 178 instead. Not bad, not good, it's just a fact. So my goal for February is simply to get out of the 170s. Possible. I tend to get stuck in the 170s for some reason. But I'm going to do this. End of feb, ... Sat, 2 Feb 2013 12:02:23 EST February reboot I finally exercised. I'm restarting ripped in 30 since I only made it 5 days before a week long hiatus. Man, I almost forgot how hard it is. I also almost forgot how good I feel after a workout. I had enough energy to untangle and wash my hair...if you saw how huge my afro was you'd understand why I need the energy to tackle untangling. <BR> <BR> I overate yesterday but I'm back on track today. I just have this feeling that I'll be in calorie range today. Willpower. This is day 1. Again. Wh... Fri, 1 Feb 2013 12:52:23 EST Easier said than done... That's the story of my life. I know what to do but I just won't do it. I know not exercising has me in a funk, yet I haven't seriously worked out all week. Ten minutes here and there...I'm not impressed. I know my skin breaks out if I don't drink 100 oz of water, yet I've only been drinking coffee. <BR> <BR> And then yesterday I binged. Not a fake binge where I only hit 933 calories, but a real binge that had to have been at least 1500. Ok, it's still in my range but damn it, I'm so unhappy... Thu, 31 Jan 2013 15:25:54 EST Feeling sad? "When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead!" <BR> <BR> lol. Simplistic, but Barney Stinson has to be the happiest person ever. So maybe I need to live by that philosophy too. <BR> <BR> Feel good video of the day. <link> </link> Wed, 30 Jan 2013 11:42:38 EST 933 calories is not a binge... And repeat, 933 cals does not a binge make! I think I have a problem. I freaked...and I'm not using that word loosely, I really did freak out last night. I was reading a thread about pb&j and I had the worst craving for pb. So I ate two slices of low cal bread, 80 cals, 1 tbs of peanut butter 90 cals and a glass of soy milk 100 cals. Which put me at 933 calories for the day when I've been averaging 650. I almost cried. <BR> <BR> Then I started plotting how to undo the damage. Water fast tomo... Tue, 29 Jan 2013 09:25:16 EST Broccoli breakfast? I had broccoli with some sirracha and 3 cups of coffee for breakfast. So it's going to be one of those days... <BR> <BR> Ok, plan for the week. Tomorrow move on to week 2 of Ripped in 30. Terrified as week 1 is still kicking my butt. But excited to do something new. I like that Jillian's dvds move on and break up the monotony. No eating after 6pm. I pulled it off yesterday, so hopefully I can repeat. Drink 120 oz of water. I wonder if that's to much, but I have a 32 oz bottle and I've been d... Mon, 28 Jan 2013 10:31:01 EST Well hells bells I'm at 770 calories already. That's the highest I've been all week. Ok, I know, it's probably good that I'm upping my calories, and lets be honest, 770 isn't anything to write home about and I think I'm done eating for the day. But I can't help feeling like I pigged out. I'm scared of seeing a gain on the scale. <BR> <BR> Why am I such a mess? It's either I'm binging or I'm starving. Ok, positives. I met my protein requirement, took my vitamin. Haven't worked out yet but I'm about to drink c... Sun, 27 Jan 2013 15:35:56 EST Wine, my beloved I just realized today is my 60 day anniversary. I've been sober for 2 months. Not a drop of wine has crossed my lips. And what do you know, I'm down 13 lbs since then. I think I was this close to going to a point of no return. I was tossing back a bottle a night waaaay to easily. And I was doing it to self medicate my sadness. Danger! Danger! Right? <BR> <BR> Go me! Sat, 26 Jan 2013 17:10:53 EST Anti this, anti that Not dizzy today. I think taking vitamins helps. I HATE swallowing pills, yet I'm a doped up mess. Anti seizures, anti depressants, anti histamines, and now a vegan multi vitamin that looks like it was made for a horse. Oh well. All are necessary. <BR> <BR> Ran out of juice halfway through day 5 of ripped in 30, and then faked my way through the rest. Still worked up a sweat and I'm glad I accomplished something. I also danced around the apt to Fun, my new favorite band, and walked the dog. S... Sat, 26 Jan 2013 15:35:00 EST Atheist blues I feel crappy. I skipped my morning workout today. And now that it's night I have no motivation to do it. I guess I'm a morning workout person. I danced around the apt for a few minutes, but then I didn't have enough energy to do that. I also skipped breakfast because I was running late. Is that why I'm so...bla? <BR> <BR> It's only 5pm but I'm tempted to go to sleep so this day will be over and I can restart tomorrow. Actually I want to sleep for the next three months and wake up 30lbs l... Fri, 25 Jan 2013 17:35:14 EST Trichotillomania and me I pulled out about a third of my eyelashes on each eye last night. Why? Who knows? Science doesn't seem to have a good explanation for why 0.6% of people have this disorder. It's classified as an impulse control disorder. The compulsion to pull out hair. I'm lucky its just my eyelashes and not my hair on my head. <BR> <BR> I've been very good for a few months, and had a full set of lashes. Now they're bald. Sigh. Why is my mind so defective? Thu, 24 Jan 2013 11:31:49 EST Down another 2 lbs overnight So that's now 6 lbs in 5 days. I discovered there's a name for what I'm doing. VLCD. Very low cal diet. Although I'm sure you're thinking there's another name for it... <BR> <BR> I ate exactly 500 calories yesterday. Smh. I had half a pack of oatmeal for breakfast, the other half for lunch, and a box of frozen spinach for dinner with a tbs of quinoa. <BR> <BR> I don't understand why I either eat 3000 calories, or 500. One of my sparkfriends said I might have an eating disorder. She's prob... Wed, 23 Jan 2013 09:11:22 EST Confession: Triggered Confession, I've lost 4.8 lbs in 4 days. I think I've triggered an old demon. I post about how it's healthy to lose 1-2 lbs, and I know that some weeks you might not lose anything. But I got frustrated about 4 days ago and drastically cut my calories. My food tracker is like, sat-1000 cals, sun-900, mon-650. I'm progressively cutting them lower and lower. <BR> <BR> I never considered myself anorexic, but I did do this before and weighed about 120 at 5'7. I was still in the healthy bmi range... Tue, 22 Jan 2013 09:37:02 EST Gym vs home...surprised Woke up feeling nice and sore! Jillian Michaels and I are going to develop a long term relationship. I don't feel sore after hours at the gym and lifting with heavy machines. With Jillian, 24 minutes and 5 lb weights and I got such a good workout. I love ripped in 30. Much more than shred. I don't know why. Well I'm only on week 1 so we'll see if I still love it in week 2, or if I'm crying. But I highly recommend Ripped in 30. <BR> <BR> So I won't feel to bad if I don't hit the gym every day... Mon, 21 Jan 2013 17:08:08 EST Ripped in 30-day 1 I'm staring at the dvd. It's still in it's packaging. I'm scared...Ok, I'm going to go try. It can't be worse than Insanity right??? <BR> <BR> Ok did it. That was a long 24 minutes. I had to take a few breaks but I stuck with it. I think I like it better than Shred. The cardio didn't feel as bad. I'll mix it up. I need to get some lighter weighs though. Using 5lbs gets exhausting. <BR> <BR> So I've discovered a new vegetable. An oldie but a goodie. Spinach. I just steamed a box of frozen sp... Sun, 20 Jan 2013 12:11:35 EST Debbie downers :( I know it's best to lose weight slow, but in the beginning a lot of people lose a lot of weight the first week or so. Can't we just say awesome job! Not comment after comment of "well that's to fast" and "it's not going to happen again". This is such a long journey. A little pat on the back is ok. <BR> <BR> I've gotten back on track this week, gone to the gym, done my 30 day shred, went to yoga class, and I'm down 3 lbs. I KNOW it's not always going to be 3 lbs in a week. I don't need it rub... Sat, 19 Jan 2013 13:56:32 EST Enjoying exercise? Went to the gym this morning to avoid my niece and nephew. They're two years and four months. My brother keeps dropping them off at my house for free babysitting. So I'm going to correct his behavior by no longer being at home. It's good. I wouldn't have gone to the gym without that extra motivation and I had a good workout. <BR> <BR> It's just so very boring. Are people serious when they say they like exercise. I've tried a variety of workouts. The best I can say is that I don't HATE swimmi... Fri, 18 Jan 2013 11:56:08 EST Scale is moving again! And moving in the right direction. I'm down two lbs. And it's my TOM so I'm impressed. Made it through the night again without any snacking. Hopefully my streak will last a while. Doing well so far today. I pre entered my meals. I like doing that. No surprises. <BR> <BR> I need to go grocery shopping. I'm out of brussel sprouts. I don't know how people hate them, they're so delicious, especially roasted. Yummy. <BR> <BR> So I think I'm over my fear of the scale. It's a tool, not the plague.... Thu, 17 Jan 2013 16:27:18 EST Ah ha moment Two blogs in one day. I just had an ah ha moment. I used to fast. 7 day water fasts, 28 day juice fasts, random 3 day broth diets...I had an all or nothing approach to food. So I just realized that if I can starve my body for 7 days having nothing but water, I definitely have a lot of will power. So I just need to put that will power towards this. <BR> <BR> I suddenly feel inspired. I kinda thought that I could do this but now I KNOW I can. I'm allowed to eat on this plan! If I can starve t... Wed, 16 Jan 2013 15:55:08 EST Water really helps! I made it through the night! No bowl of oatmeal, no almonds. I remained in calorie range. I did wake up at 2am and I had some water, which really did help! But I think it's time to go back on my sleeping pills. I can't keep waking up in the middle of the night like this. It takes me hours to get back to sleep, and those hours are usually filled with snacking. <BR> <BR> It's finally my TOM. I swear I had the longest pms. Now that it's come, hopefully some weight will come off. I'm considerin... Wed, 16 Jan 2013 09:29:58 EST Shut up and stop eating! Ahhhhhh! There's a thread on the message boards about rejected titles for a wight loss bestseller and one of the titles that cracked me up was called "Shut up and stop eating". lol. I need to make that my motto. That's as positive as I'm gonna get today, sorry. <BR> <BR> I had a good streak going and now I'm falling back into my night time eating habits. Yesterday was a 3am bowl of oatmeal. And with that bowl, healthy as it may be, I went over my calorie range. I'm so annoyed. Should I eat l... Tue, 15 Jan 2013 15:31:09 EST 30 day shred-day 2 Still tough but I got through it, even though I needed to take a break in between circuits. But a break is better than turning the whole thing off, which I was tempted to do but just when I was about to quit, Jillian Michaels snapped at me, "don't you dare!". Snort. It was perfect timing. I can't wait till I can complete the whole thing without stopping. It's sad how out of shape I am. I can walk for hours but high intensity stuff...I'm dead in a matter of minutes. <BR> <BR> I slept A LOT t... Sat, 12 Jan 2013 19:50:47 EST Future reward idea Getting a second wind. A burst of energy. Unfortunately it's happening at 2:45am. I just really thought about the future and all the things I'll be able to accomplish when I'm at my goal weight and I have this feeling like it's possible. And I finally thought of a reward that makes me want to succeed. A new hairstyle and headshots. I'm going to lose weight in my face, clear up my skin thanks to the buckets of water I've been drinking, and take fabulous pictures. My friend even recommended a ... Fri, 11 Jan 2013 02:59:39 EST Jazzing up exercise I'm doing the january jump start challenge. The Pilates video today was rough, but I got through it doing the modified easy version. Tomorrow my spark buddy and I start 30 day shred. I ordered a few Jillian Michaels dvds so I have something to look forward to next week in the mail. The treadmill is just to boring. It's hard to work out in my studio because the floor is so hard. The pilates and yoga I did last night were painful on the knees. <BR> <BR> But I'm sticking with it. And I'm going... Thu, 10 Jan 2013 12:05:39 EST Bad past few days...pms I get bad pms sometimes and this has been the WORST. I've either been exhausted or starving. So no exercise and I over ate for the first time since I restarted with spark. It's been two days of this and the fog is finally lifting. <BR> <BR> I woke up this morning after sleeping for about 12 hrs and I didn't feel the need to eat three bowls of oatmeal and I drank water. I'm seriously dehydrated. I just didn't feel like drinking water or doing anything healthy. <BR> <BR> Why is it so easy to... Wed, 9 Jan 2013 11:27:28 EST The binge that could have been I've been weaning myself off sleeping pills. Unfortunatly that means I wake up in the middle of the night. Last night I woke up starving. I had another food dream. (Even in sleep I'm a good vegan. I dreamed about cheeseless pizza) So my mind was on food. And I was prepared to say, screw it, and eat everything in sit. Except... <BR> <BR> there wasn't anything to eat except salad, veggies, fruit and beans. So I ate salad. It's so important not to have your trigger foods in the house. I would h... Sun, 6 Jan 2013 11:06:39 EST First world problems... Ok, I just wrote a blog about how bored I was. And then remembered that internet meme "first world problems," and cracked up. If the worst problem I have today is that I'm bored, life's not that bad. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> Sat, 5 Jan 2013 15:16:23 EST So bored with everything I'm just so bored with life. My year is going to be an exciting one, but unfortunately it doesn't start till April. That's when I go on my travel adventures. Then in may I start at the NY Film Academy. But for now, nothing. I have no motivation to look for a part time job, and my Asperger's makes it hard to do something if I don't love it to the point of obsession. <BR> <BR> So what can I do in the next 3 1/2 months? I guess focus on weight loss... <BR> <BR> Even my blog is boring, lol. Oh ... Sat, 5 Jan 2013 14:15:36 EST Poor me. Literally. I'm so poor. I just wrote a huge check and now my checking account is a joke, my savings account, non existent. Oh dear, I can't blog about this. I'll start to cry. Think about something else... <BR> <BR> Discovered pumpkin spice oatmeal. Yummy. Also bad, I don't want a new food addiction. Every time I want something sweet I open up a packet of pumpkinny goodness. <BR> <BR> Feeling lazy and slightly nauseous today but I'm about to get on the treadmill. That will be a distraction from my fi... Fri, 4 Jan 2013 15:19:57 EST 1000 cals a day Is it really so bad? I've done it a few times by accident during the past few weeks and the scale dropped. So that whole, "you need to eat more to lose weight" mantra is definitely NOT true for me. When I eat 1500 I stay the same or gain. When I eat 1200 I stay the same or lose...slowly. When I eat 1000 I just lose. I'm hitting all my nutrient requirements as well. So is it really that bad to be 200 calories off if you're getting all your protein and fat and carbs? I'm leaning toward resettin... Thu, 3 Jan 2013 08:53:21 EST