SLSALKIL's SparkPeople Blog SLSALKIL's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Feel like I am starting over... AGAIN Once again I have let stress knock me off the wagon. WHY CAN'T I GET MY BUTT IN GEAR?!?!? I hate the way I feel when I make unhealthy choices, but I continue to do it. I hate the way I look. I hate feeling like a failure over and over and over again. I keep thinking this time is different. And it feels different for a couple of weeks. Then something happens and I get knocked off my stance. Then it takes a couple of weeks to get back in the groove. I really want to find the inner strength to k... Mon, 18 Mar 2013 09:54:11 EST Moving along Last time I blogged, I blogged about the Advocare 24 day challenge. I completed the Cleanse portion (days 1- 10). I did very well staying off coffee, added sugars and simple carbs. I only had 1 cheat night, and my stomach didn't like me much at all! I only lost 2 pounds during the cleanse phase, but I did feel better, so I am considering that a NSV. I just hope the weightloss kicks it up a notch for all of the supplements I have been swallowing and all of the money it costs to get them. <BR> ... Mon, 4 Mar 2013 09:58:13 EST 3 recent achievements... Spark Coach gave me the assignment to list 3 recent accomplishments to give me more motivation. It's easy to get so focused on the negative and the mess-ups... Especially for this glass half empty girl! So here goes... <BR> <BR> 1.) did major organizing and cleaning around the house. Feels so good! <BR> 2.) Declined dessert at church dinner today and there was a huge table of delicious looking desserts. Out of character for me for sure. <BR> 3.) I'm on day 4 of the Advocare 24 day challenge ... Sun, 24 Feb 2013 19:15:06 EST Having a tough time and feeling cynical Dealing with the miscarriage has been like a roller coaster. I thought I was doing really well. So well in fact I tapered off my antidepressants without talking to my doctor. I think it gave me kind of a false sense of stability. I have plummeted into a pit of emotional despair and anxiety. <BR> <BR> I've been trying to listen to only Christian music and have been reading the Bible plan on God's promises. And I've been reading the Shack which is about a man having a personal confrontation ... Sat, 9 Feb 2013 14:23:49 EST Epic fail Today was an epic fail! Awful!! Lots of stress at work, 2 panic attacks from miscarriage related emotions, lied to by an employee, and on and on. And how did I deal with it? Crying, anxiety attacks and self soothing with food. Do I feel better because I ate? Of course not! Now I have guilt on top of everything else. Ugh. Glad today is over. Starting again in the morning. Tue, 5 Feb 2013 23:32:19 EST Meal planning My spark coach consistency program action step for the day is to plan my meals for at least tomorrow, if not all week. <BR> <BR> Let me say first, I am a huge planner and list maker EXCEPT in this area. Why? I think it's mainly because I have always wanted to see what I "feel like eating." Not a good idea, especially when trying to eat healthy. So this action step is a good one for me, and I'm excited to get better at doing this. <BR> <BR> For tomorrow - <BR> <BR> Breakfast <BR> Blueberr... Mon, 4 Feb 2013 19:47:46 EST How can I love it? This picture was on the celebrate page of my SparkCoach lesson today... <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I read it, and felt a twinge of guilt. <BR> <BR> "I don't feel that way! I hate exercise. I like the satisfying feeling after I'm finished, but I dread it every time, and I can't wait until its over every time. Sigh..." <BR> <BR> And I've always been this way. I hated PE, and in middle school I got out of it by excelling at music and dr... Sun, 3 Feb 2013 10:16:54 EST Too much of a good thing... In my quest to try healthy, natural foods I purchased cocao nibs and chia seeds. I have used both separately, but today I came up with what I thought was a wonderfully healthy breakfast - quick oats, pb2, 2 Tbsp cocao nibs, 1 tablespoon chia seeds and almond milk. Turns out this breakfast had 21 grams of fiber. Ouch! It reminds me of the first time I tried Fiber One bars. I liked them so much I ate 2... And ended up with horrible stomach cramps for 2 days.(I affectionately call those fiber on... Sat, 2 Feb 2013 00:26:10 EST Oops! I did it again... Or in this case- CRAP! I did it again!!! I was feeling overly exhausted this afternoon and evening and ended up going on a comfort binge. I was so proud of myself for the week I had, and then this!! <BR> <BR> WAIT! Stop it! (I said to myself.) <BR> <em>227</em> <BR> <BR> I STILL did great this week. Plus my binges have gone from several times a week (practically daily) to about one a week. I want to get to less or none at all, but I think I can still be proud of the progress I've made ... Sat, 26 Jan 2013 22:04:14 EST Plugging along I have had a better week eating wise, but not emotionally. I did great this weekend until my Mom headed home and then I binged a little. Stopped myself before it got too out of control. Then I did very well Monday and Tuesday with food and got some activity in as well. But Monday evening and all day Tuesday I had A LOT of anxiety and flashbacks from the miscarriage. It was really rough. I cried nonstop Monday night and then again last night. BUT... I did NOT let it cause me to binge. I though... Wed, 23 Jan 2013 11:22:24 EST South beach? I am an addict. More specifically - I am addicted to carbs. I crave sweets, pasta, French fries, potatoes, crackers, chips... All things carbolicious!! Ugh. I tried low to no carb in the past, but I couldn't hack it. I have moved toward whole grains and better carbs, but I still crave the bad stuff, and I eat way too much sugar. So I have been looking at South Beach Supercharged. It seems to be a very healthy and balanced plan, especially after the initial phase. I'm doing my research and mak... Sat, 19 Jan 2013 01:45:39 EST All or nothing My Spark Coach session was about getting out of the "all or nothing" attitude, which happens to be one of my biggest obstacles. I tend to be a perfectionist, so messing up throws me for a loop. Since eating healthy and fitness are both struggles for me, it seems so easy to throw in the towel and say, "might as well give up for today and start again tomorrow... Monday... Next week... Next month... Next year." Small mistakes turning into major setbacks. Not a good plan, and not what I do in any... Thu, 17 Jan 2013 22:46:05 EST I've always wanted... I've always wanted to be "one of those people" who could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight. I've always wanted to be "one of those people" who is naturally thin without exercising. I've always wanted to be "one of those" sexy people. I've always wanted... The list could go on. <BR> <BR> But what have all of the rants of "But its not fair" and wishes for a faster metabolism gotten me?!?! It has gotten me years of making excuses and whining. it has caused me to spend most of my life y... Tue, 15 Jan 2013 21:45:23 EST Definitely a BEFORE picture I was in my best friend's wedding in November. She emailed a link to the pictures today. It was a beautiful ceremony; however, I did not feel beautiful. The dress was very unflattering so even though my hair and makeup looked amazing, all I look at when I see the pictures is how huge I look!! I was the biggest I've ever been, which is only 6 pounds from where I am now. When I look at the picture I can't believe I let myself get to this point. I don't even look like me. I'm a swollen, uncomfo... Mon, 14 Jan 2013 23:30:56 EST Funny but true! I saw this today, and it made me smile. It is funny, but true too! <BR> <BR> STRENGTH / streNGTH' / n. : <BR> The capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands ... and then just eat one of those pieces. <BR> <BR> WISDOM / WIS'dom / n. : <BR> Knowing better than to purchase a chocolate bar. <em>334</em> Fri, 11 Jan 2013 11:57:55 EST Can I get a woo hoo?!?! Normally I gain weight over the holidays and don't lose it after the holidays. This year we did a holiday weightloss challenge at work. I made my goal a realistic one, which was to lose 5 lbs from Halloween to New Years. We had biweekly weigh-ins, supportive emails, biweekly healthy lunches and openly sharing struggles and celebrations via email. <BR> <BR> Well... We had our final weigh-in yesterday and (drumroll please...) <BR> <BR> I won 2nd place for losing 3.02% of my body weight over ... Thu, 10 Jan 2013 14:12:29 EST Depressed but not defeated Today I laid in bed all day. I have been battling severe anxiety and depression. I just didn't feel like doing anything. Normally this would lead me to binge for comfort, but this time I didn't do that! I ate healthy meals and stayed within my calorie range. I am even going to do my coach nicole toning video for the January challenge. This change in behavior is HUGE for me. So even though I've been depressed today, I was not defeated! I am grateful for these small victories which I know will ... Sun, 6 Jan 2013 21:07:04 EST Knocked the breath out of me Tonight I had one of those "knocked the breath out of me" moments when thoughts about my miscarriage flooded me like a tidal wave. I hate it when it hits me so fast and hard. It completely takes me by surprise. It's so overwhelming and I feel so helpless when it happens. <BR> <BR> I am thankful I didn't run to food for comfort. I journaled and blogged to get my feelings out. Then I put on my comfy Jammies and curled up in bed. I just wish I knew how to keep it from happening. I'm tired of be... Sat, 5 Jan 2013 23:31:59 EST Snack Attack My snacking is sabotaging my weightloss efforts. I do great at meals and even snacks until about 2:30 or 3. Then I get the munchies and even when I choose healthy snacks I eat too many / too much. I also have a bad cereal before bed habit. This goes all the way back to childhood. A small bowl doesn't do it. I love a huge, heaping bowl of cereal. I need to find a better solution. I need to learn to be satisfied with a small snack and either cut out the cereal or learn to be satisfied with a sm... Sat, 5 Jan 2013 10:44:04 EST Yay me! Today I got a last minute invite to lunch at a restaurant with these delicious smoked pork tacos. I usually inhale the entire plate of food within minutes. Today I concentrated on conversation, ate slowly, took drinks between bites and was conscious of my hunger level. I ended up eating half of my food and taking the rest home! I've never done this when I've eaten there. Woo hoo! So proud of my positive choice and action today!! <BR> <BR> Today I am thankful for my wellness group at work. W... Fri, 4 Jan 2013 22:34:23 EST Gratitude entry 1/2/12 Today I am grateful for time off to recharge. I've been on PTO and holiday time off since December 22. <em>224</em> I am blessed with a generous leave program at work, and I am able to take time off when I need it. I enjoyed my time off immensely!! <em>334</em> I got to spend quality time with my husband and son, as well as my parents, sister and her family, my extended family, my oldest and dearest friend and my inlaws. Plus I got some time to get things done around the house as well... Wed, 2 Jan 2013 21:12:00 EST Out of the mouth of babes... First of all, I am grateful for my son today and everyday! We adopted him from Russia when he was 14 months old, and he is the light of our lives. He is such a joyful boy. His smile lights up even my darkest days!! <BR> <em>334</em> <BR> He is 8 1/2 years old and very perceptive. I try not to complain about my weight or use the f word ( fat, of course!) in front of him. But he has seen me try to eat healthy and exercise on and off his entire he came in the kitchen where I was g... Tue, 1 Jan 2013 21:55:27 EST Adios 2012 Last Day of 2012 - this year has included the highest of highs and the lowest of lows- more so than any year I can remember. I am still battling to get my joy and faith back completely, but I'm definitely pushing forward. <BR> <BR> One thing I've learned for sure is that my incredible family and friends are even more important than I realized. I pledge to never take them or one day with them for granted. <BR> <BR> I also pledge to do what it takes to heal my heart and mind and stop punish... Mon, 31 Dec 2012 11:36:53 EST Gratitude Entry - 12/28/2012 <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I am so grateful for my mom. She is my hero and best friend. She has always been there for me, no matter what. I got to spend a wonderful, fun day with her today, and I am looking forward to several more during the holidays. I will quote what my son said about her last night... He said, "Grandma rocks! Mom, you have a pretty incredible Mom." Amen to that!! Fri, 28 Dec 2012 20:18:09 EST Gratitude Entry 12/27/2012 Today I am thankful for the inspiration I got from watching a "coming from behind" win for the OKC Thunder. Watching their hardwork and tenacity even when they were behind and struggling inspires me to keep pushing ahead and to never give up!!! <BR> <em>104</em> <img src=""> Thu, 27 Dec 2012 23:09:56 EST Gratitude journal - 12/26/12 Tonight I am grateful for my wonderful and supportive extended family. I enjoyed having Christmas with them tonight. I see so many families with drama or certain people who don't speak to each other, and it always makes me sad for them. my family doesn't have any of that, and I am so thankful. Wed, 26 Dec 2012 23:58:24 EST Gratitude entry - 12/25/12 Today I am thankful for a very calm, peaceful and stress free Christmas. We didn't have company... No places we had to be... No schedule to follow. I have NEVER experienced a Christmas that was this relaxed. With all of the anxiety I've had the last few months I think it was just what I needed. We head to OKC tomorrow for some family gatherings, but today was just about the 3 of us and I loved it! My son even told me this was his favorite Christmas ever. Lesson learned. <BR> <BR> Tue, 25 Dec 2012 23:22:21 EST Sparkpeople Christmas Santa must know I love Sparkpeople and that I need some motivation, because I got quite a few Sparkgoodies (real not virtual)! <em>389</em> <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> 2 new Coach Nicole DVD's- I lover her friendly training style <BR> A Sparkpeople cup - inspired by the hilarious "Sparkpeople cup" song <BR> Sparkpeople magnet - great reminder for my fridge <BR> "Fitness in Progress" Sparkpeople T-Shirt - bright pink and... Tue, 25 Dec 2012 14:33:35 EST Have the best year yet - 10 minutes at a time I was reading SELF this evening, and I loved the editor's letter titled "Make your 10 minute resolution." Sounds like "The Spark'" huh?!?! I'm not going to quote the entire letter, but this particular quote reinforces everything SparkPeople tries to get through to us, as well as what I've been aiming for... <BR> <BR> "...This year, let's try something different. Instead of a sweeping 12-month plan, simply make the healthiest, smartest, kindest, most optimistic choice you can in the next 10 m... Sun, 23 Dec 2012 23:49:27 EST No more all or nothing My husband's family came in town for the holidays. They came yesterday and will be here until Monday. Every time they come I get stressed. My family is very different from my inlaws, so it just causes me anxiety. Which usually leads to over-eating. Put on top of that the fact that my MIL brought the yummiest homemade treats, and you have a perfect environment for a binge. A 24 hour long binge. Nonstop munching, eating, stuffing my face. Ugh!!! <em>15</em> <BR> <BR> So tonight I decided t... Sun, 23 Dec 2012 00:44:01 EST Gratitude journal I am trying to focus more on my blessings and what is right with my life rather than the shortcomings and areas of lack. I decided to blog my areas of gratitude rather than write it in my journal. This way hopefully my gratitude will inspire others who need to exercise their gratitude muscle. <em>104</em> <BR> <BR> <em>304</em> Today I am thankful for a warm home to keep me safe and warm even when the cold wind blows outside. Others aren't so fortunate. Thu, 20 Dec 2012 23:15:41 EST Fruits and veggies I've struggled to get my fruits and veggies in this week. <em>39</em> It's been tight money wise waiting for pay day, so I couldn't replace the fruits and veggies I ran out of or went bad <em>42</em> . I need to keep a stash of canned and frozen options on hand for times like this- especially in the winter. Lesson learned. <em>224</em> Thank goodness payday is tomorrow! <em>244</em> Thu, 20 Dec 2012 20:54:32 EST Not just overeating... I have discovered that I am not just a stress eater, but I am also a stress spender. I am normally quite good with money, but since the miscarriage I have bought things I would normally never spend money on. LOTS of online shopping while I was home recovering and then more shopping for the holidays than I would normally do. Also, I almost never buy anything for myself, but during this time I have bought myself much more than usual. It didn't come to me until I was getting super stressed about... Wed, 19 Dec 2012 14:24:43 EST STRESS! I am a stress eater. Like a major stress eater! I find food is the first thing I run to when I am stressed. And I have been under a lot of stress the past few months - the miscarriage and surgery, dealing with the emotions of that, helping my son grieve as well, work responsiblities and extra stuff going on there, holiday responsibilities at church, work and Jaxon's school... But I know I am not unlike so many of you. Life is just hard! But I have to find a way to cope without sabotaging myse... Tue, 18 Dec 2012 10:31:05 EST My birthday Yesterday I turned 38 years old. I didn't feel much like celebrating. I am blessed in so many ways, and I need to focus on that, but I just am not where I want to be in so many areas of my life at this point and time. <BR> <BR> Two years ago my husband agreed to trying to adopt again. Two years ago... The first year and a half we heard nothing... No progress. Then this April we had a call about a sibling placement that they said would happen in 2 weeks. Then there were complications and it... Sun, 16 Dec 2012 22:02:24 EST So frustrated with myself On again, off again. That's me for the last 3 weeks. Every time I think I back on, I make a bad decision again. I am determined to make this a lifestyle change, but I have to get my butt in gear!!!! Thu, 13 Dec 2012 23:09:36 EST Oops! I did it again... AHHHH!!!! I let the stress of the day beat me again!!! I had a horribly stressful day at work, and I "made it all better" by eating a medium candy cane chill blizzard. Then I looked it up to track it. Whoa! I knew it wasnt good for me, but yikes!!! 800 calories... 22 grams of fat... 133 carbs... 104 grams of sugar. Good Lord! I was so mad at myself. BUT, I made myself get off the couch and walk on the treadmill. It didn't take away the blizzard calories, but it got my mind back in focus. Next... Mon, 10 Dec 2012 20:19:55 EST Awesome choices today I am so proud of myself today! From the minute I got up my attitude was better today. I started with a big glass of cold water and a healthy breakfast. Then other choices built on those choices which built on other choices. More water. No diet pop today. More fruits and veggies. No sugary snacks. Balanced meals. Treadmill for 40 minutes plus great arm workout. I feel motivated and ready to have another good day tomorrow! Wed, 5 Dec 2012 20:38:14 EST So tired of this slump The past week and a half has been so stressful, and I have failed miserably at not running to food when I'm stressed. I've had employees argue with each other and walk off the job. I was physically threatened by the parent of an employee. I had to get a protective order against this woman for her threats against me. My son has been dealing with being made fun of at school. I have gotten baby related mail or emails every day which has put me in an emotional tailspin. So what did I do? I ate i... Tue, 4 Dec 2012 23:41:00 EST Hard to get in holiday mood I am struggling so bad to get into the holiday mood, but I just feel so blah. I keep being sad about the miscarriage. I think about how far along I'd be and how happy and excited we'd be now. I wonder if it was a boy or a girl. I keep getting things by email and mail about my pregnancy and baby stuff, no matter how many things I unsubscribe from. There's always more! And this is going to sound horrible, but all of the focus on baby Jesus even makes me sad. How as religious is that?!?! I am t... Mon, 3 Dec 2012 21:51:14 EST Food pusher!! My Sparkcoach session was about food pushers. The biggest one in my life is my Executive Assistant. I love her!! She is the hardest worker you will ever find, she constantly goes above and beyond, and she has my back in any situation. BUT... She is the definition if a food pusher. When I'm stressed, she brings candy and puts it on my desk. When I have a bad day, she bakes for me and brings it to me the next day. I know she does it because she cares about me and wants me to feel better, but it... Sun, 2 Dec 2012 22:07:37 EST Stop it!! I have had one of the most stressful work weeks I've had in a long time. This seemed to magnify the anxiety I've been having since the miscarriage. I have made horrible choices all week. I have eaten to soothe my emotions instead of dealing with them. I have to get myself out of this pattern. I've done it my entire life and I HAVE to break the dangerous cycle!!!! My SparkCoach session today was about emotional eating, so I take that as another sign- I CAN do this, but I have to CHOOSE to beha... Sat, 1 Dec 2012 20:50:06 EST Why do I want this? My SparkCoach session today encouraged me to look at and define the reason behind my wanting to lose weight. There are more shallow reasons of wanting to look better in my clothes (and naked too for that matter), nit wanting to be the biggest among my friends, wanting to be comfortable with myself and enjoy shopping, swimming and other activities where I can't be hidden and cover up. <BR> <BR> But the deep, under-lying reasons are more substantial and give more motivation. I want to be healt... Thu, 29 Nov 2012 23:23:49 EST Anxiety and sadness but plowing through It's been almost 2.5 months since my miscarriage. Some days I barely think about it, but other days I can't seem to think about anything else. I just started my period (sorry if TMI) which totally messes with my head. Besides my normal hormonal stuff, this is a HUGE reminder of the actual miscarriage. Plus I can't help but think, "I shouldn't even be having a period! I SHOUKD be 22 weeks pregnant, planning the nursery and looking at baby stuff 24/." But instead, I avoid pregnant people and ba... Sat, 24 Nov 2012 22:30:52 EST Soooo quiet My husband and son have been on a father son hunting trip since last Thursday afternoon. I have gotten to have a couple of girls' nights and my mom came in town Saturday and Sunday. I also got a lot of Christmas shopping (in store and online) done. But it os so crazy how quiet my house gets when I'm by myself. A few times it has caused me to go deeper into my depression and my grief. But I've been very proud of myself in that I've made myself do something active everyday!!! I haven't just sat... Tue, 20 Nov 2012 21:58:01 EST Moving through the grief As I mentioned in some of my page info, I had a miscarriage almost 2 months ago after 12 years of marriage and 10 years of infertility. It was a horrific experience that broke me apart to the core. Not to be gross, but I am getting ready to have my second period since I miscarried. Last month is was very debilitating- physically, but more emotionally this month is here and I started feeling the grief and sadness so strong yesterday. I did what I always did... I ate to numb the pain and to fee... Mon, 12 Nov 2012 22:43:18 EST Good choices... Bad choices... The choice is mine. I have to own it. The last 24 hours have been a choice roller coaster. <BR> <BR> Yesterday, I made some awesome choices - like... waking up early and instead of trying to fall back asleep i got up and did a longer workout than usual... going to a church dinner last night and not eating ONE SINGLE baked good (homemade pies, brownies, cookies...)! I was so proud. I stayed within my calorie range AND went over my step and fitness minute goal for the day. <em>104</em> <BR> Then I went to bed with great inten... Thu, 8 Nov 2012 23:44:28 EST Wedding woes I was in my best friend's wedding this weekend. I was so happy for her, and we had a lot of fun. But there was a cloud over the whole occasion... My weight, as usual! The dress was pretty, but it made me look even fatter! Bare arms are not my thing. So even though I had my hair and makeup professionally done, and I looked pretty, I felt so self conscious instead of beautiful. I'm tired of my weight holding me back on what I will do or how I feel. My healthy choices and lifestyle changes WILL ... Sun, 4 Nov 2012 22:41:47 EST Halloween was SCARY!!! So... you can probably tell from my title, but I didn't do so great on Halloween. I ate way too much candy, and I didn't plan ahead so I ate the hot dog and nachos at the Trunk or Treat I worked at. Sigh. BUT... I did get up early and exercise, had a healthy breakfast and lunch and got in lots of extra steps setting up things for the Trunk or Treat and running around making sure everyone had what they needed. So all in all I would say it was a draw. Not that I actually burned as many calories... Thu, 1 Nov 2012 14:23:57 EST I'm ba-ack... I am back again. A lot has happened since I was last on SparkPeople. I did the Couch 2 5k and actually participated in a 5K at the end of it. I lost about 20 pounds and was feeling good. Then I stopped running and gained all of the weight back and more. Then, miracle of miracles, after 12 years of marriage I found out I was pregnant for the first time - with no help of infertility meds, schedules, etc. It was a miracle! I gained a little weight from celebrating too much, but I figured I would... Mon, 29 Oct 2012 15:50:00 EST