SIRENSONGS's SparkPeople Blog SIRENSONGS's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community The Eeyore in Me Will Never Die! I'm going a little bit crazy today. I can't really say why. I'd love to blame my TOM, but it's way too early for that. I'm in a very similar mental place though. I'm in a foul mood, and nothing seems to be able to make it go away. Something will make me smile for a minute, and then before I know it the pall of gloomy darkness has settled upon me once again. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, but I'm definitely anxious and cranky and feeling slightly fatalistic. I'm waiting for something bad to hap... Tue, 19 Nov 2013 15:45:07 EST Progress, of sorts Has it really been almost a month since I last wrote? Really? Well, okay, time really does fly regardless of whether one is having fun or not. Actually, time really does seem to pass by more quickly the older I get. Strange. I remember the days when I was a kid and waiting for an upcoming birthday or vacation and just how slowly time seemed to drag on. And now, I never seem to have enough time for anything, whether it be a pleasant activity or the drudgery of work. But I digress, mainly, I th... Sun, 17 Nov 2013 11:45:05 EST I did it to myself, and that's what really hurts... I've just skimmed over my last blog, written nearly a month ago, and I've realized that I really learned very little from my experiences. Shortly after posting my previous blog entry, the same thing happened again. I went on an eating spree, every day. It's like I was trying to catch up on all the junk food that I didn't eat the previous year when I was being "good", or something. In any case, I just ate and ate and ate and ate. And then I ate some more. Did I mention that I ate? I don't reme... Sun, 20 Oct 2013 11:38:23 EST Update It has been so long since I last posted a blog here I almost don't know what to write. I feel a little bit overwhelmed. Not that a lot has happened, but I'm really not in a blogging mindset anymore. I'm going to try and force myself to do this, though, because I find that blogging has been therapeutic for me in the past, so hopefully it will continue to help me out as long as I persevere. <BR> <BR> So first off I need to apologize if I seem to have been neglecting my friends here. I'm sorry.... Sun, 22 Sep 2013 14:40:19 EST Re-Evaluating My Goals First off, thank you to all who commented on my last blog, or who sent me goodies or other forms of encouragement. Your words gave me a lot to think about, and were also very comforting in my time of spark related distress. For now, I think I have things under control. I'm making some changes which I think will allow me to maintain this weight loss, and not fall into my old patterns which will just cause me to balloon again. <BR> <BR> Since Tuesday, I've felt much more in control again. I g... Sun, 11 Aug 2013 11:52:36 EST No More Excuses I have been such a whiny little girl lately. Enough is enough. I cannot continue down this path any longer. It is self-destructive in the extreme, and I am tired of my inner voices getting all confused about what they should be telling me. Should I feel guilty about indulging? Am I being too hard on myself? Too easy? Do I need to go back to my strict regime ASAP, or do I need to formulate a brand new plan? Am I as disgusting and gross and weak as I feel, or am I only a typical damaged human? ... Tue, 6 Aug 2013 13:11:11 EST Weekend of Death It is strange how the unexpected can occur at the most fitting of times. This past week has been a rough one, and has made me realize that I am not nearly as strong as I thought I was. Bad things keep happening, and I succumb to weakness. I make myself ill. I hate myself, and resolve to do better. I do better for awhile until another bad thing happens, and the whole cycle starts over again. Rinse. Repeat. Over and over again. <BR> <BR> The last week couple of weeks of July are always depress... Sun, 28 Jul 2013 11:55:32 EST Bleakness and Despair I'm an emotional wreck today. And I don't know what to do about it. Unfortunately it is because of things that are completely out of my control. I feel so helpless, and full of despair. I know this will pass, but right now, things seem pretty bleak. So many of the problems in my life are caused by other people, at least 75%, if not more. And I am not failing to take responsibility for my own actions here. Because of the delicacy of the situation, I cannot say more in order to respect other pe... Thu, 18 Jul 2013 13:42:55 EST And I thought I had nothing to say... Before lunch I had all these things I wanted to write about in a blog entry. Now that I'm back from lunch, during which I immersed myself in a tribute anthology (The Grimscribe's Puppets) to one of my favourite authors, Thomas Ligotti, I find that I am no longer in a writing mood as my brain is filled up with the dark and nightmarish imagery that I found within the book's pages. However, as I'm back at work, and can't continue on with my reading (even though it's deathly quiet here this after... Sun, 14 Jul 2013 15:21:53 EST That Elusive 100 Pounds Lost Goal Finally Reached My body is insane. My body has a mind of its own. My body is unpredictable and crazy and messed up. My body is flawed, and has been through so much, mostly inflicted on me by myself. I am learning to love my body, despite its weaknesses and uglinesses. My body is MINE. <BR> <BR> As is made evident by the title of this blog post, I have finally achieved one of my much desired weight loss goals: to finally be able to say that yes, I have lost one hundred pounds. I didn't think it would happen ... Sun, 7 Jul 2013 11:20:05 EST The Many Shades of Sadness My pet sadness is a strange beast, unpredictable in its visitations. I woke up this morning, feeling fine, in fairly good spirits, if a little tired. And then, a few hours ago, I don't know what happened, my mood just changed, in almost imperceptible degrees, until before I knew it, I was feeling quietly melancholy. Nothing specific happened to trigger this change in mood, nothing that I am aware of consciously, anyhow. And I don't even think I can blame hormones, as my TOM has just passed by... Thu, 4 Jul 2013 11:49:52 EST Dreamy Weekends Fly By Too Quickly So where did the weekend go? I feel like I was just here at work yesterday, with no three days of bliss in between. It's strange how being at work can almost erase three days of rest and relaxation, how draining the very atmosphere can be. Really, right now, it's dealing with the people that I find draining. My co-workers, the faculty and especially the students are just rubbing me the wrong way. And they're not really doing anything out of the ordinary. It's just that I feel so dreamy and de... Tue, 2 Jul 2013 12:21:49 EST Mindful Eating I'm at work, but I really don't feel like working. Yes, there are things I could be doing, but I can't seem to focus. I don't usually work on Fridays, so this is my sixth day in a row being here, and I'm really feeling a bit drained at the moment as far as the library is concerned. It's rather unfair, really: my normal shifts run from Sun.-Thurs. In the summer months we are closed for the long weekends, which means I am supposed to make up the Sunday we are closed. And the only way I can do t... Fri, 28 Jun 2013 15:08:58 EST After Effects of a Food Free for All Things are better today. My body is still recovering from the massive four night binge fest I put it through (when I binge, it tends to be mostly at night), but I have been okay with food since yesterday, and I think I will be okay today. I forced myself to exercise last night, even though I really didn't want to, and was happy that I did. I'll try to do the same tonight, although I have really low energy. I know I need to, though, because along with all the water I've been drinking, I know t... Tue, 25 Jun 2013 16:39:41 EST The Battle of the Binge I'm writing this to hold myself accountable. I am writing this and sharing it with the world so that I can't hide and lie to myself and tell myself that what I am doing is okay. Because it is NOT okay. The occasional treat, or day of overeating is okay. Four days of binging straight, starting on the very night of my one year Sparkversary is NOT. <BR> <BR> I can't even begin to list all that I ate. I consumed thousands of calories, several thousand. I ate until I felt ill, and then I ate som... Mon, 24 Jun 2013 15:07:18 EST One Year Sparkversary and 99 Pounds Gone! I think that I'm one of those annoying people who focuses too much on dates. You know, like those couples who have an anniversary for the day they met, the first time they went out, the first time they kissed, the first time they said I love you, the first time they...Well, I'm sure you get the picture! So this is my second one year anniversary post in a month (as I actually actively started to try and lose weight on June 1 2012, but didn't join SP until the 20th) . But this will be it, I swe... Thu, 20 Jun 2013 11:25:50 EST Synchronicity One of my favourite writers in the universe is the marvellously talented Catherynne M. Valente: <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Her work is drenched with poetry and folklore and darkness and light and beauty and ugliness and the most poignant and bittersweet agonies and ecstasies. The worlds she creates resonate deeply within my soul. When I first encountered her writings through the wondrous puzzle box of a book, IN THE NIGHT GARDEN, I felt like I had met with a kind... Tue, 18 Jun 2013 11:47:22 EST Progress? My attitude towards weight loss has been rather mercurial over the past few weeks. I'm not sure if it has gotten healthier or if I have started to tread a dangerous path towards inevitable weight gain, hence the question mark after the title of my blog. I noticed this change in my attitude just after I hit the high end of the 120s. I was euphoric for a little while, and then I just felt HUNGRY, and not only in a physical way. My very soul itself seemed to crave food that was higher in calorie... Sun, 16 Jun 2013 15:54:54 EST One Year and Still Going Strong I only had about four hours of sleep last night, so I don't know how coherent I'll be throughout the writing of this blog entry. Bear with me, if you decide to continue reading, that is... <BR> <BR> Although I am super tired today, I am relieved that it is the dawning of a new week. Last week was horrible for me, simply horrible. I won't go into details, but I will say that a few of my closest relationships were strained to the max. I was in the middle of so much animosity between people who... Sun, 2 Jun 2013 12:05:27 EST The Calm Before the Storm Today is my favourite kind of day at work. It's rainy and grey outside, so there is a nice soft light in the library, nothing too harsh or glaring. I'm alone at the desk, so I don't have to listen to the inane chatter of my co-workers. And, it's not too busy with students. So, when you add all this up together, it equals bliss, or at least as much bliss as you can get from work. Which is good, because I need a break from the rest of my life. Most people need a break from their job, but oftent... Tue, 28 May 2013 10:37:47 EST Hungry, Tired and Irritable :( Work is dragging today. I have many tasks that I should be working towards accomplishing, but feel unable to do anything productive. Apart from helping a few students, I have done very little. And my work just keeps piling up. Also, I am so cranky! Every time a student comes to the counter, I feel like grimacing at them and telling them to leave me alone because I don't want to get up from my desk. I am just so tired! I haven't been sleeping enough, I don't think, but if I get more sleep then... Thu, 16 May 2013 13:01:56 EST Alive and Kicking I don't have much time to blog today, but it's been so gosh darn long that I felt I had to write something to remind myself that I'm still alive, I'm still around, and I'm still persevering in this crazy weight loss journey. This past little while has been such a whirlwind of goings on that it exhausts me just to think about everything, and I don't feel like writing about it all, but I think things have calmed down for awhile so I should have some more time to devote to SP in the very near fu... Wed, 8 May 2013 16:40:51 EST Spring Fever There is something in the air today that is making me restless, and I'm blaming it on spring, for lack of anything better to blame it on. Even though it's still cold and a bit snowy where I am, the quality of the light has taken on a distinct springlike feeling, and I am anxious to start spending more time outside and just getting out more in general. I must confess that I've been way too much of a homebody lately. Of course, some of it has to do with the fact that so much yuckiness has been ... Sun, 24 Mar 2013 12:05:30 EST On Optimism, and a Lack Thereof I've always found it hard to be an optimist. I don't think I'll ever actually be one of those blessed (cursed?) individuals who tends to see the glass as half full as opposed to half empty. Perhaps somewhat unfortunately, I have conditioned myself over the years to expect the worst as much as possible, to try and minimize the effects of the inevitable disappointments that life will throw at me. It is a defense mechanism that has stood me in good stead, for the most part. I suppose I might be ... Mon, 11 Mar 2013 16:55:46 EST Vanquishing Vanishment Well, it feels like it's been a really long time since I've posted anything here, but really it's only been about a month. Not too long, really, but so much has happened that it seems to have been much longer. I have missed it here, but at the same time realized that I was spending way too much time on the site also. So I think the trick now is to practice more moderation in the amount of time I spend here, but I really do need to come back. Thank you so much to everybody who sent me goodies ... Wed, 13 Feb 2013 16:15:15 EST My Biggest NSV to Date So this past week has been quite the whirlwind for me. I only had a one day weekend, and I have had so much to do in the way of pesky chores and errands that I've barely had time to breathe. Work has been super intense as well. I am so worn out, and don't know when I'll get the chance to rest properly. I really need a good night's sleep but I don't think I'm going to get one any time soon. I've still been keeping up the healthier, low-cal diet and pretty intense exercise schedule, however, so... Sun, 13 Jan 2013 10:11:18 EST 80 Pounds Down, 23 to Go! It's been over seven months that I've been trying to lose weight and live healthier overall, and I STILL haven't come much closer to understanding the mystery that is my body. I somehow miraculously lost two pounds last week and this is after two days of SERIOUS binging on Dec. 31st and Jan. 1st. I don't know how I did it, and I'm not complaining, but I just wish I understood better how my metabolism worked so I could maximize my weight loss, while still continuing to enjoy more of my old fav... Tue, 8 Jan 2013 16:55:09 EST First Blog of 2013 (and a "before" photo I found) Well, here we are, in 2013. Unfortunately, the work did not end as so many people were expecting it to in December of 2012, so the show must go on. We have to continue the struggle, continue the fight, continue to find the things that make life great amidst all the chaos and darkness that surrounds us daily. No, this will not be a pessimistic blog, but hopefully it will be a realistic one. <BR> <BR> My holidays were a busy time filled with both joy and heartache. I got a lot done, saw frien... Wed, 2 Jan 2013 10:52:46 EST Six Month Sparkversary Well today is my six month Sparkversary, and I am happy to say I've come a long way, baby! In the six month I've been here, I've lost 60 pounds. That's ten pounds a month, so I'd say I've been pretty successful. Overall, I've lost 78 pounds. That's more weight than I've ever lost before. And using Sparkpeople as a tool, I am confident that I can keep it off this time. I have decided to lower my goal weight to 125, so I have 25 more pounds to lose now, as opposed to 15. However, at least I'm o... Thu, 20 Dec 2012 09:05:58 EST One Day at a Time My head is aching, and I don't feel like writing much, but I do want to get some things down. It's a grey and gloomy day outside, and it looks like it's going to snow. I usually like this sort of weather, but today I think the pressure is contributing to my headache, and I don't want it to snow because I have a long way to travel tomorrow. We have our divisional Christmas meeting for work tomorrow, and it's at a different campus. I hate these meetings! There are corporate type workshops and "... Mon, 17 Dec 2012 16:45:24 EST Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining I am so relieved that last week is over! I never want to have a repeat of it again. Along with my not very pleasant mood, I had to deal with illness (my own and my mother's), family emergencies, more problems with my boyfriend, and it all culminated in my spending the day in the emergency ward at the hospital on Friday. Everything's okay, but boy, was it ever a draining way to finish off one of the most draining of weeks I have ever lived through. Seriously. Ugh. I know it's a cliche, but it ... Sun, 9 Dec 2012 15:01:55 EST A Quiet Melancholy <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Sometimes sadness is big and red and raging, more like despair than anything else. And at other times, it is almost a calming, all pervasive blue, gentle yet lingering. This is the breed of sadness that has latched onto my spirit today. Earlier, I couldn't quite figure out how I was feeling, but as the day progressed, I succumbed to the gloom that was following me around like Eeyore's cloud. It's not a horrible fee... Mon, 3 Dec 2012 16:19:16 EST Cyclical Moods As this work week comes to an end, I have finally been granted a little bit of breathing space to reflect upon things. I cannot believe how crazy busy it has been here this week! It seems like the week has flown by in a whirlwind flurry of activity, as students are getting more and more desperate to get their last minute assignments done and prepare for exams. I am afraid it has worn me out, and I am really looking forward to the holiday break which is coming up for me in just over three week... Thu, 29 Nov 2012 16:54:12 EST Mrs. Self-Destruct WARNING: This blog will be whiny. This blog will be depressing. This blog will be negative. This blog will be dark. This blog will be a sorry mess of me making confessions and trying to sort things out. This blog will show many of the more unpleasant aspects of who I am. You many just stop liking me at all if you continue reading (if you ever did in the first place, that is). Reader discretion is advised. <BR> <BR> Yesterday was a complete write off of a day. Yesterday was me as I was just ... Sun, 25 Nov 2012 11:48:58 EST Update First off, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented on my last blog, or sent me notes of support and encouragement. I'm afraid I don't have it in me to thank you all individually, but I just want you to know that I truly appreciate all your support. It really helps a lot in dark times like these. Sadly, I don't really have anything new to report on the whole relationship front. Our "talk" kind of fizzled out before it even happened. My boyfriend apologized for acting weird, an... Tue, 20 Nov 2012 12:58:51 EST The Beginning of the End? I cannot believe how sore my hamstring muscles are today. Every time I move or sit down I have to suppress a yelp of pain. They feel completely and utterly bruised. And it is totally my fault! On Friday, I spent a good two hours raking and bagging leaves, as well as trimming a lot of dead foliage. This involved lots of bending and squatting, which I am not very used to. I soaked for a long time in the tub after, but still, on Saturday, my hamstrings were very sore. And then I had to go and ma... Sun, 18 Nov 2012 10:45:37 EST A Quick Blog Before the Weekend Officially Begins I have less than half an hour left before my weekend starts and my brain is just fried. I am worn out, and cannot wait to get a decent night's sleep tonight! My muscles are sore from yesterday's workout, so I don't think I'll manage to exercise tonight, but I will try and go out for a nice long walk this evening at least, I think. <BR> <BR> This week has been a good one for me health wise overall. I have kept my food under control and have exercised every day. But I haven't been getting enou... Thu, 15 Nov 2012 16:52:29 EST Back on Track, But I Still Have a Ways to Go... Last week was terrible when it came to my food choices and portions. I am pleased to report that this past week went much more smoothly for me, and I can safely say that I am back on track. I have been able to curb my cravings and not overindulge in anything that I regretted (even when stoned - a remarkable feat!). I have exercised like crazy, even when I was not in the mood for it at ALL. I have been rewarded for my efforts with more weight loss, and I am now down to 158 lbs, just 0.5 lbs aw... Sun, 11 Nov 2012 10:38:13 EST I Need to Regain Control - FAST! Some weeks are just not good. NOT GOOD. And this past week was just such a not good week for me. I suppose I should specify here that really, it wasn't the week itself that was bad for me, per se, but the food I ate WAS bad, both in substance and in quantity. I just don't know what was wrong with me. I had next to no self control on several occasions. I just couldn't manage to get back into the swing of things after coming back from my vacation. And it's not like I overate on my vacation. I d... Sun, 4 Nov 2012 11:19:49 EST Of Vacations and How to Get Over Their Endings Okay, well it's high time I posted another blog entry! I have so much to say, that I don't know if I'll be able to get it all out in one blogging session, but I'll do my best. I'm sure I'll be constantly interrupted as I try and write this, but it's a lot quieter here today than it was yesterday, so I'll try and get down as much as possible before the next rush of students comes in. <BR> <BR> So first off, I had a complete and utter blast on my trip. Everything went so smoothly that it seems... Tue, 30 Oct 2012 16:48:43 EST Providence Bound to Frolic with Cthulhu! <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Work has been crazy for me today, as I have rushed to get a bunch of little things done before I head out on vacation. I thought I never would, as for some strange reason, my co-workers seemed extra chatty today. I've finally got all my work done, so am hoping to get in one last blog here before I leave, if people leave me in peace long enough to do so! I don't think I'll blog at all while I'm away, so this is it f... Wed, 17 Oct 2012 16:36:40 EST Catching Up I haven't been blogging as much as I would like to as of late, but I guess I've just been too busy. There are a lot of last minute things to take care of when you are planning a trip, especially when you will be crossing international borders, so I suppose I've just been focusing on that lately. I am so excited, as I have not been on a proper vacation in over two years. I also have not seen the friend I am visiting (one of my closest) since March, so it will be amazing to see her. She has no ... Sun, 14 Oct 2012 11:40:22 EST I Am Grateful For... Warning: for those of you who don't like cheesy, sappy, or sentimental blogs, please stop reading now! For those of you with a stronger stomach for saccharine sweetness, read on! :) <BR> <BR> Yesterday was Thanksgiving Day in Canada. I was so busy all weekend worrying about what I could and couldn't eat, and how to deal with my somewhat overbearing family, that I didn't actually stop and think about all that I am thankful for in my own life. Better late than never, right? So instead of indul... Tue, 9 Oct 2012 16:15:16 EST Adventures in Shopping This past Friday was a major shopping day for me. For the first time since I've started losing weight, I decided that I was going to go clothes shopping in exclusively non plus size clothing stores. It was somewhat of an experiment, as I thought myself to be in that no-man's land between plus and regular size clothing. In some areas I was pleasantly surprised. In others, still a bit disappointed. But overall, it was a good shopping day. Between the hours of 2:00-9:00 I visited about 20 stores... Sun, 7 Oct 2012 12:05:38 EST Insert Clever Title Here Another work week is close to being past, thank goodness! I know it's not the best thing to constantly be looking forward to later, as you don't always get the chance to appreciate the smaller niceties of life, but when you're in a bad place emotionally, sometimes the hopefully more pleasant future is all you have to look forward to. I've been in a serious funk all week, and I think I just might starting to get out of it. More accurately, I suppose I should say that I have been on more of an... Thu, 4 Oct 2012 16:33:36 EST Blah... <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Some days you just don't want to get out of bed. Today is one of those days for me. Everything just seems difficult to me today, and I have been pushing myself since 5:30 this morning just to accomplish the littlest things. Like actually getting out of bed. Getting ready for work. Packing my lunch. Making it to the bus stop on time. Waking myself up and getting off the bus when I reached work. Opening up the librar... Tue, 2 Oct 2012 09:59:15 EST Weekend Wanderings Alas, the weekend has passed again! They sure do fly by, don't they? It was a good one for me, however. On Friday I was very productive. I was on the go all day. I got a really good workout in. I packed up several of my read books for storage in the basement. I'm not the type to get rid of books after I have read them, but I'm out of space to shelve them until I move into my new place, so into the basement they went, sadly. I also spent several hours going through my closet and drawers to pac... Sun, 30 Sep 2012 11:28:01 EST A Blog a Day Keeps the Bad Feelings at Bay I can't believe how much I am enjoying this whole blogging business. Whether or not people actually read them (although I'm more than happy when people do), it is just so liberating and cathartic to get my feelings out there. I find that by releasing any negativity I may be feeling through my words, I am able to banish those bad feelings ever so much more quickly. When I was younger I was an avid diary keeper. I would spend hours just listening to music, daydreaming, and filling page after pa... Wed, 26 Sep 2012 16:16:58 EST The Musical Orgasm and Exercise, or The Short Life History of a Misfit Told in Song Music has always been one of my biggest passions in life. I cannot get by without it. I never leave the house without my iPod. I always have my headphones in when I am alone, and sometimes even when I am not. I constantly have music on as a soundtrack to my life. I am always looking out for new artists/groups I might like, but try to make time for all my old favourites as well. Basically, I am a music junkie, and I must say, it is one of my healthier addictions! <BR> <BR> Although I had my s... Tue, 25 Sep 2012 13:24:08 EST Plus Sized Models? <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Normally, I'm not one to follow any sort of entertainment or celebrity gossip. I don't care who's dating who, how much weight so and so lost, or who got charged with reckless driving last night. It is a completely different world to the one I live in, and I could care less. I also am not one for following fashion trends and designer labels. I don't care what colours are "in" and labels mean next to nothing to me. H... Sun, 23 Sep 2012 11:50:36 EST