SHEILA9488's SparkPeople Blog

Decisions, Decisions

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 13:17:29 EST

Not much has really happened in the past few months. I decided after a lot of soul searching that I'm straight, with maybe a little curve somewhere in there. I' m with someone, but I'm not quite sure if I'm happy with him. We've been together on and off for a year now. I just don't know. When we're happy, we're really happy; but when we're bad, our fights are really nasty. I'm back working at Dunkin Donuts, which really isn't the greatest idea for me, but it will work with my school schedule...

Am I Gay?

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 10:16:29 EST

i've struggled with this topic for a really long time. i find myself constantly attracted to women, but i never act on it. my family isn't accepting or open to the fact of homosexuality. i've always felt as though i was in the least bisexual. can you know something without ever acting on it? i tried telling my mother i was attracted to girls when i was in middle school. she just yelled at me and said i wasn't. i've clung to that throughout my adult life, but i can't push these feelings aside....

Week 2 UGH

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 10:05:51 EST

Week 2 was way more difficult. the week started off on the wrong foot by it raining for the first part. i would have done some workout videos, but of course, my tv broke! it took over a week to replace it. i was going to have it repaired, and i even brought it to a repairman. it took almost the whole week to get back to me about it and then the answer was that the part costs $225 but it was on back order and he had no idea ho...

Week 1 done

Wed, 14 Mar 2012 12:09:10 EST

Week 1 went pretty well. i definitely had some slip ups but i'm ok with that. i did 2 miles twice this week and now i'm addicted. i can't wait to get out there and do it today. i'm going to try and incorporate some running into the walks. i might start out with 15 second spurts once every minute or couple of minutes. i want to make sure that i get extra calories burned from it. yesterday, i was able to do the 2 miles in 33 minutes with no running. i'm hoping that i can get it down to 32 minut...

Finding a Friend

Wed, 7 Mar 2012 08:57:36 EST

So i live a pretty solitude life. i don't hang out with many people, and the people that i do hang out with don't practice healthy eating habits. i never though to discuss my issues with my friends from far away. i have two really great friends that live in Georgia; Rebecca and Taco, well, Tacario, but since we were teenagers it's always been Taco. we all know what it's like to struggle with our weight. i've already talked to taco last night, and he's going to hold me accountable as someone i...

Emailing My Dad

Mon, 5 Mar 2012 11:28:41 EST

So my last blog, i posted about wanting to find out who i am and loving myself for me and not my future me. yesterday i made a bold move to try and make myself happier. i finally emailed my dad about how i feel. i told him that i was tired of him not calling me or returning my texts or emails. i told him that i needed to be a priority and it hurts me that i feel unimportant to him. he told me at one point that he wanted to come out to see me and my son but he wanted to be able to have enough ...

Inner Peace

Mon, 6 Feb 2012 11:45:01 EST

One thing that I greatly struggle with, is finding inner peace. Accepting who I am as a person and trying to constantly be who I'm not. I know that I'll never be in the 130s, and I know that I'll probably never stop being a procrastinator. But what I need to do, is find a way to work around it and improve upon myself.
I greatly fell off the wagon in January. I stepped on the scale and saw that I gained 10 pounds this month. Completely ridiculous and unacceptable. I started a challenge o...

Any Moment

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 09:26:04 EST

Any moment, I will begin. Any moment, I will find where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to do. 2012 hasn't treated me well thus far. I've gotten out of a relationship, dealt with a sick child, picked up an extra job, decided to move, cancelled the move, been completely lost within myself.....good Lord, it's not even February yet! How did this happen to me? Why does my life turn upside down every time i find the will to change my habits? Being an emotional eater and dealing with all o...

Allowing Leniency

Sat, 14 Jan 2012 13:13:40 EST

So, I've done very well so far with being consistent with eating in control. I haven't gotten so full that it hurts, and I'm learning to stop eating when I'm satisfied. Yesterday did not go so well, but I was traveling. I traveled 4 hours with my brother and his band to watch them play in Battle of the Bands. I ended up having Burger King for lunch, because that's where Ben (my brother's friend) happened to stop. i ate at about 1pm and then was not able to eat again until about 1am. We stopp...

Determination

Fri, 6 Jan 2012 10:12:58 EST

I am determined to make this work.

I don't think that I have ever actually said that statement to myself. Maybe that's why I can't seem to get ahold of my weight issue. I was reading a few articles in the Fitness magazine yesterday as my car was getting inspected. A 148 pound woman was talking about how astonished she was to find out that she was composecd of 40% fat. It made me think about how much fat I was made out of. I'm considered obese, I've gained plenty of weight these las...

What Motivates Me

Mon, 21 Nov 2011 10:03:14 EST

A lot of different things motivate me to become healthier. i wasn't raised with much knowledge of how to be healthy, whether it was eating or exercising. Since I became a mom myself, i really want Tristan to grow up with the knowledge of health. I want him to have every opportunity to live a long life with none of the challenges my family faces. My family isn't the healthiest. We have diabetes, heart problems, cancer, etc. I realize that you can't stop cancer no matter the precautions you tak...

Giving "The Talk"

Mon, 14 Nov 2011 09:29:26 EST

So, the good news first. I started working out yesterday. i played Just Dance on my Wii. I think it gave me the workout bug, because now all I can think about is working out. I'm going to take full advantage of it and do a couple of workouts today. i'm barely down half a pound this week, but i think it's a good start. i've decided to take pride in my small achievements because at least the scale is moving in the right direction. i'm going to really spend this week trying to work on my food. i...

Grasping at straws

Fri, 11 Nov 2011 09:37:54 EST

I'm trying to hold on to healthy eating. i need to learn the difference between want and need. I need to learn the difference between a good craving and a bad one and make healthy swaps so that the craving is still satisfied.
I had a horrible realization that I am no closer to fixing my food issue than I was a few weeks ago. I have to begin forcing myself to exercise, also. I know that exercise should be fun, but I'm just not having any fun at all. So to fix this problem and kick off my...

fixing my food

Thu, 3 Nov 2011 10:45:22 EST

so things have been going a little better in the food department. i've been making myself eat breakfast so that i don't gorge during lunch. i've been having oatmeal and a cup of coffee. i refuse to make instant oatmeal, so i've been doing oats. i add in a little brown sugar and maple syrup for flavoring. i'm going to try and wean myself off the syrup to save calories. i've also switched out my half and half for non-dairy powdered cream. it saves a ton of calories, i don't use as much and surp...

POAs

Mon, 17 Oct 2011 09:31:45 EST

ok, so i stepped on the scale this morning to a horrifying realization. i am officially back to where i started two years ago. that means, i have regained 30 pounds in two short years. 15 per year, and a little over a pound per month. ugh. so now, i'm going to pick the leftover pieces up from the ground and start new....again. i'm going to have action plans for myself so that i know what the do. POA, or "plan of action" is my new mantra. what will my POA be today? well, I'm subbing today in a...

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

Sun, 16 Oct 2011 13:12:35 EST

why do i always feel as though i'm starting over? i'm not quite sure why i can't gain the motivation to get my butt moving. i need to figure out what is going on in my head and make it go away!
i recently decided to start dating again. but after two months, i gave up. it was two months full of guys who were shallow and didn't want a relationship; they merely wanted to try and get in my pants. while i probably shouldn't be complaining that i'm good enough to sleep with, it's kind of a sl...

Regrouping

Sat, 25 Jun 2011 08:28:05 EST

ok. i so i gave up with jillian. it ended up being boring after a while. by the time i got to the third day i was dreading our workout because it was just too....blah. the repetitions were boring, she had almost no personality through the whole thing. i'm pretty sure my niche is energy and liveliness. so i started zumba on my wii. i love working out to it. i look forward to my "workout" with it everyday. i sweat more and harder in 20 minutes than with jillian. i know it sounds horrible that i...

30 day shred: day 1

Wed, 15 Jun 2011 16:20:48 EST

dear jillian,

i love that you made a workout to kick my ass an get me "shredded" in 30 days. but did you have to give me a reminder of how out of shape i was? just remember that i love you more, even though i hate you.

love

sheila

i was able to get through the level 1 workout. i ended up doing alot of the modified versions she put up, because i'm just not that much of a machine to do some of those advanced workouts yet. i'm hoping that by the...

Beginning the 30 day shred and my new life

Tue, 14 Jun 2011 18:19:18 EST

so i finally decided that i just needed to do something for myself. i was going to start jillian michaels 30 day shred today, but i was really sore from Bob Harper yesterday. so i'm officially starting tomorrow and will hopefully be posting daily how it went. i don't really want to, but i think it's important for me to put up before pic so at the end of the 30 days, i can see if i've seen a difference. although i didn't do jillian today, i did do a 20 minute zumba routine. i'm not sure how ef...

It's Tiring Being Afraid

Mon, 13 Jun 2011 16:01:53 EST

I'm not quite sure what's going on with me, lately. i desperately want to become healthier, but i don't know what's holding me back. i started working overnights, and that's hard to begin with. i do good by packing a healthy lunch (carbonated flavored water, a fruit, yogurt, and usually a pb&j) but when i get there, they have these horrible things there just waiting for me to eat them. Wednesday, they had a big party and left cakes, cupcakes, donuts, pies, etc there for the overnight nurses, ...

The Weight-Loss God

Thu, 28 Apr 2011 17:54:46 EST

so i'm just starting to get back on track with my diet. i'm keeping a food journal, in which for the past four days, i have devoted myself to writing down everything that has entered my mouth.
i became weak about 15 minutes ago, and decided i really wanted a nice, refreshing large sweet tea with two lemons from McDonalds. i beat myself up as i was pulling up to the drive thru, as i was ordering and then pulling around. "Bad Sheila!" "Why are you doing this?" "EEEP!!!"
but by some ...

minor problem at the gym

Thu, 7 Oct 2010 16:52:22 EST

so i started my personal training this week at my gym. i love it. it's awesome. it makes me feel good about myself. i don't think i've felt this strong in a long time. but i hurt myself this morning. i was busting out 50 burpees, when i came back in wrong and hurt my calf. my muscle pulled wicked bad. it feels like i have a constant charlie horse. hopefully i can get it all taken care of by the next session. i haven't lost any weight weight, but i didn't know that i was this strong.
sess...

The time is near...

Wed, 29 Sep 2010 17:58:59 EST

so, i'm pretty excited to be starting my personal training on monday. i just started working out this past monday. either i was stronger than i thought i was, due to my todder, or i didn't work out hard enough. i wasn't that sore when i woke up yesterday, which was kind of a big disappointment for me. i was really lookig forward to it. i don't understand why i wasn't, though. i did strength training with the machines for about 45 minutes on different ones. then i biked five miles in 30 minute...

i now loathe dunkin donuts

Thu, 23 Sep 2010 16:31:42 EST

from my previous blogs, you can tell that i am now employed at dunkin donuts while i'm in school for nursing. i've recently been having problems with keeping my hands away from the beautifully cased donuts and the sandwhiches that i have become so sick of. so i just decided to go look up the nutritional facts of my place of employment. i could not believe what i was seeing! i had the multigrain bagels, because i actually thought that they were the best for you! oh my, was i wrong! here's the ...

going the right way

Thu, 16 Sep 2010 16:14:49 EST

so my membership at the gym starts on the 27th. i'm really excited. i've decided to get the cutie personal trainer once a week. hopefully it doesn't break the bank too much. it's relatively inexpensive, considering what he's going to do for me. it's 10, one hour sessions for only $300. i think that i can trust him and his judgment when it comes to fitness. i went on to his facebook and saw him doing squats with 365lbs bar bells on his back he's really into jujitsu (which is pretty freaking ho...

me and that damn wagon

Tue, 14 Sep 2010 11:42:12 EST

for some reason i have an on and off again relationship with the wagon. i get motivated, and then for some reason, i just stop. there's no reason for it, but it happens. i now work at dunkin donuts, and we all know that this is a nightmare for any lifestyle change. i look at that beautiful case of donuts and cry. luckily, i haven't had too many donuts. maybe 16 since in six weeks i've been there. yet, apparantly, that's all it takes. i've gained four pounds since i've started. of course it do...

Old Habits I Want to Stab Until They Stop Twitching

Wed, 2 Jun 2010 10:14:06 EST

i'm doing a better job with learning when i am emotionally hungry and physically hungry. emotional hunger for me is cravings, mouth watering during commercials, and munching in front of the tv. physical hunger for me is stomach growling, minor stomach cramps, feeling a little bit of pressure at the top of my stomach, and the all famous empty feeling. i'm soing alot better with it, but even though i know it's emotional eating, i sometimes still indulge. so i compliled a list of eating and exer...

finding the initial trigger for low self esteem

Sun, 9 May 2010 15:00:13 EST

lately, i've been struggling with why i'm heavy. it's more than eating habits that is making me this way. i've been watching Ruby on the Style channel, and recently saw an episode where everyone is discovering their trigger for making them overweight and having a hard time losing it. it's made me think of the reasons why i may be going through the same things.
not only have i been overweight for most of my life, but i've been picked on about the way i look throughout my entire school car...

losing control

Thu, 6 May 2010 21:14:18 EST

so i thought that i was doing really well with food. i was making good choices last week. very proud of myself, of course, because i was starting to lose weight again. not alot, but a little. then classes ended yesterday. i was so happy, that i decided to relax...a little too much. me relaxing and reading, has exteded to relaxing from exercising and good food choices also. for breakfast, i had those pilsbury toaster pastries, because i was running a little late this morning. lunch...cheesy c...

Confidence Might Be A Bust

Mon, 26 Apr 2010 16:31:52 EST

So, i started dating this guy. i'm really happy about it because i thought this would be a great motivational tool. he needs to lose a lot of weight also, so i was really happy when we decided to lose it together. i thought it would be the perfect thing: new guy, new life, new body, new me. but it turns out, it may not be the best thing. i started showing him my spark book, and i'm letting him borrow it so he can read it. i showed him the before and after pics and my goal. my goal is to look ...

bahama mama goals

Sun, 21 Mar 2010 19:08:19 EST

i just took my before picture, and oh my gosh. i didn't think that i looked this bad. all i could do is cry. i knew that i had work to do, but this is crazy! so these pictures are the reason for my goals. my two goals for the bahama mama challenges are:

1. lose twenty inches. i don't think that this is unreasonable, but i'm definately going to have to work at it.

2. fit comfortably in my size 16s, if not, make it into 14s. i have NEVER seen a size 14 on me. i would be ve...

Afraid to Lose the Weight

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 16:16:28 EST

I've been trying to figure out why i'm having a problem with motivation lately. i do want to lose the weight. i do like exercising, and i do like eating healthy. in fact, my favorite things to eat is fruits. but, i'm lacking motivation to do it, which is causing me to plateau. i really think that i'm afraid of losing the weight. i've been heavy all of my life. it's the only thing i know how to be. losing that, is kind of losing a part of myself. but i know that i'll be gaining a lot more by l...

small changes leading to a big achievement

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 10:12:20 EST

now that i've decided to get back on track, i've noticed a change in myself. even amongst the stress of school, i've given myself time to be healthy. i can say that i'm two weeks in with no chinese food. probably not the best goal, but i looooove it so much. besides carl buying some of those fancy hazelnut chocolates, i've been without. i'm trying to have at least one fruit a day. i know that i need more, but sometimes, it's hard to just get one in with my time. quickfiring has made the diffe...

back in the game!

Sat, 6 Feb 2010 18:56:11 EST

i'm officially trying again! yay! i'm very excited with myself. the winter season in new hampshire makes things very hard, but i'm working on it.
yesterday, i did some exercises, but i don't know what i did to make my butt sore! lol. today, i reorganized my house for two hours, just to do something with my body. and then i ran in place for ten minutes while watching the bad girls club on demand. for some reason, that show makes me feel alot better about my somewhat drama free life. lol....

Losing motivation, need advice plz

Thu, 4 Feb 2010 17:38:18 EST

lately, it seems to be a chore to work out. maybe it's because i'm without a scale. maybe i'm someone who needs a scale in order to be successful with getting healthy. i feel as though my appetite has increased ten-fold. i'm ALWAYS hungry. it may be in part because of stress from school, but it may not be. i'm reading the Spark, and it's a fantastic book. it's really weird, i feel the spark in me, but it's not strong. i feel great, because i went from 215 to 188. i was so proud of myself. bu...

Hope Among Exhaustion

Tue, 26 Jan 2010 09:33:24 EST

So, I'm back up in New Hampshire. It's been a very tiring move. I don't think that I have been this exhausted since Tristan was a newborn. I packed the Uhaul on friday, drove ALL day Saturday. It equaled to almost 12 hours. Sunday, we unloaded the truck, all day. Monday, we returned the truck at 8am, got back into town at 10 am. i then left to go get my school books at 11am. drove an hour and a half to get my books. back in the car at 130. had lunch at 130 with tristan at KFC (not the best ch...

off, but soon to be back

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 20:10:15 EST

so, since i moved to pennsylvania a lot has happened. it wasn't the great move my mother promised me. in three months i gained back almost 20 of the 30 pounds i lost. i'm still tring to get it off. the stress has been unbelievable. luckily, i'll be moving back home soon. i've decided to get back together with my ex. i do care about him, and we want to try again. he showed me over christmas that he has changed.
i'm moving back up there on the 22ndish. hopefully the move back up will go sm...

Reason For Hard Weight Loss

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 10:40:18 EST

so i've been wondering why i've had such a hard time losing weight. i've been working my a** off, and barely seeing results. they come slow, but they come. i was talking to my very knowledgable science teacher friend. she's like the smartest person i know. lol. i told her about my weight loss troubles, and she proceeded to ask me a few questions. one of which was cystic fibrosis. when i was pregnant i found out that i was a carrier for it. i told her about this, and a little light when on in ...

Great Money Saving Tip

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 22:42:10 EST

we all do it. we buy magazines just for the workouts. we use it for a month, and then we put it aside. we don't throw it away, because of the workout, but we don't look at it. and then we feel guilty for spending 5 bucks on a magazine we only bought for the workout. but...i've figured out how i can save money and be eco friendly. if you go onto the website of the magazine, such as women's health, shape, or self, they have those workouts on there for free! the whole entire routine. i have prin...

I Don't Know What to do

Sat, 8 Aug 2009 15:13:55 EST

i thought that when i moved to pennsylvania, things would be different. i could start my life with my son and go to school. but now things are beginning to change. the girl that lives there is being really nasty. she's my mom's boyfriend's daughter. she's 18 and a mom to a 4 year old. she doesn't work and lives off of her dad and expects him to support her. not only her, but he also has two other kids; 13 and 14 year old boys. i was fine moving in there, because i knew it would be better ther...

My Breakup and the Effect on My Weight

Tue, 4 Aug 2009 15:32:26 EST

so, this breakup really has me messed up. i haven't exercised in close to two or three weeks. i haven't really be watching what i eat (chinese for lunch), and i just really feel like i'm being pulled down and out of the wagon. is this kind of thing normal when this happens? i never thought that i was an emotional eater. i still don't know if i am or not. but i definitely don't push the plate away. i have been making sure that i eat breakfast, even if i just eat some of tristan's. but my day s...

evaluating my weight and my mental health.

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 18:14:32 EST

for the past two weeks, i've been stuck at 190. it was dropping off of me like a sack of potatoes, but then it just stopped. it's time that i need to evaluate what's happening and why.
1. i haven't really watched what i ate. but i never really did. the only major difference is that i began to drink soda again. bad sheila. i'm trying to cut back down.
2. i haven't been as faithful to exercise. although when i saw one week of stabilization for weight, i began to get serious again abou...

Small Goals Become Big Accomplishments

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 23:28:16 EST

over the course of exercising, i have learned many things. the most important would have to be not to aim too high. i'm trying to take one small goal at a time, and working towards the bigger picture. didn't really realize that i was doing this until i bought my "skinny" jeans a few days ago. i have always flucuated between a 16 and 18 pant size. instead of going out and buying size 10 jeans, i bought size 14. it's one pant size down, and it's a reachable goal. i'm very happy to say that i t...

Becoming a Single Parent, But on the Flip Side

Tue, 7 Jul 2009 19:13:09 EST

so, i've decided that it's time to end it with carl. it's not worth me being miserable just to be with someone. i also figured out that....sigh....he's gay. at least i can stop blaming myself, thinking that it was something i did. i'm hurting. i'm dying inside. i'll always love him. he's the father of my child. and i hate that my gaydar is broken. i'm mad that he didn't tell me. i'm mad that he decided to have a child with me. i'm mad that he's treated me like crap. i'm mostly angry that he d...

Forcing Myself to Eat. (need advice)

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 17:02:27 EST

i know it sounds a little odd. when i first started sparkpeople, i had to try and slow down on the eating. i made sure that i had breakfast every morning. now, i feel like i have to force myself to eat. i don't want to have too fattening foods. and anything that's over 200 calories, i don't like to eat. that's all fine and dandy, but then i realized that my average calorie intake a few weeks ago was 1,410. i almost flipped out. it seemed so high to me. so now, i find myself not eating very mu...

Holding on to the Wagon!!!!

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 22:45:58 EST

oh geez, here i go again. i think i have it down, and then i slip. i hold on with both hands, then one lets go. now i'm slipping finger by finger, and i'm dying here! argh! i think i do well, and then i screw it up. why do i have to love sour gummy worms? WHY? that is my one weakness when it comes to food! i'm going to have to go running tomorrow. i can't take it anymore! i'm so mad at myself! that was 450 empty calories that i just consumed. i haven't been eating much this week. it's period ...

He'll Be Sorry

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 13:13:53 EST

one day, he'll be sorry he didn't want me. one day, he'll be sorry that he told me i was unattractive and not his type. one day, i'll be beautiful, and be everything he wants. and that will be the day that i pack my things, take our son and leave.
one day, he'll be sorry about all the things he's done to me. the porn and the flirting. one day, he'll be sorry he treated me like crap. he'll be sorry that he drove my self-esteem into the ground and made it nothing. i hae no confidence, and ...

Trying Yoga

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 21:58:36 EST

so today i tried yoga out for the first time. not really, but it was the first time i did it on my own without the tv for guidance. i have to say that i really enjoyed it! i liked it so much that i did the sequence twice today for about 20 minutes each. i've always been pretty flexible, but i was very excited to learn just how much so. i think that i'm definately going to be sticking with this. i put in for the yoga card giveaway, so maybe i'll actually win. doubtful, but maybe.
40...

My Problem With BMI (rant)

Mon, 8 Jun 2009 18:15:49 EST
I absolutely do not like BMI calculators. I don't believe them to be accurate enough for every person. I am 5' 2", and 198 pounds. it is telling me that i'm super obese. i know that i'm overweight, but seriously obese? i don't even see where that can be true! Do you know what is considered a healthy weight for my height? 110 pounds!!! Really? i don't even know anyone who is 110 pounds!
i have heard somewhere, so long ago that i can't remember the source. but i agree with them. "Calculati...

Below 200!!!

Fri, 5 Jun 2009 08:31:17 EST
I can't believe i actually did it! i thought i would never see it again! not only did i lose close to 3 pounds this week, but i'm under 200! i'm so proud of myself! i slipped on pants this morning that i couldn't get on a month ago! this is the first time i'm actually seeing the results! oooh, i'm soooo excited! 198.2! that's the first time i've been able to actually say my weight and not be ashamed! yay! the baby weight is going!!!