SHAKINGTHETREE's SparkPeople Blog SHAKINGTHETREE's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Tonight! Tonight is my first band gig! So excited! And definitely nervous. I was really fighting my lip last night at rehearsal, but my fellow tuba peeps are really cool and supportive, and while the band is focused on musical excellence, they also have a philosophy of a true volunteer musical group: "we do it because it's fun." So... I'm just going to try to relax a little... and maybe I'll go through my music this afternoon and make some extra notations at some trouble spots I had last night. <... Fri, 2 Dec 2016 10:10:07 EST Deep breath... So, I think we can all agree that 2016 has been a rough year, yes? <BR> <BR> On pretty much every level of my life, I am in the process of restructuring... in some cases, taking it down to the ground and starting all over again. <BR> <BR> As far as my health goes, I'm doing... just okay. <BR> <BR> I miss the days when I felt amazing. <BR> <BR> Right now, I feel gross. I don't hate myself or anything, but I *know* I can do better and feel better and that it will help me with everythin... Thu, 1 Dec 2016 10:26:26 EST Quickie blog I need to rein it in, folks. <BR> <BR> I feel gross, and I've finally had enough. <BR> <BR> So - I'm back on the wagon. I am exercising again, and I'm watching what I eat... and I do believe I will be giving up booze, as well. <BR> <BR> I just feel blegh and ick and ew and yuck, and I think I need to jettison the garbage stuff out of my body. Wed, 2 Nov 2016 12:24:39 EST Well well well well well well... As it turns out, this was actually a pretty good week. I've lost four pounds. <BR> <BR> And I know it's not a B.S., water-weight-related loss. Check out my stats: <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I'm losing actual body fat, gaining actual muscle mass, and even though my water weight went up, I still lost actual weight. All good things, and it is compelling evidence that I am on the right track. So... yay for... Fri, 12 Aug 2016 10:45:17 EST HOLY HOT BATMAN Bleggghh. It's hot as a crotch here in the northeast... when I woke up at 5am, it was already 80 degrees and humid enough to make me sprout gills. Yuck. I wanted to start running again in earnest this week (encouraged by having a good, pain-free run last week), but this is the kind of weather that can actually be dangerous to run in. No thanks! <BR> <BR> So things are good. I've put on some weight. <BR> <BR> Considering that I had been losing weight due to depression/no appetite, I'm n... Thu, 11 Aug 2016 10:24:51 EST Sometimes darkness can show you the light The lyrics to the song "The Light" by Disturbd are kiiiiiiind of really resonating with me right now. I'm still wrestling with the demons, with varying degrees of success... but I still have fight in me, and that's something to hold onto. And believe me, I'm holding onto it for dear life - and I'm seeking out inspiration for the fight in so many good places. It's so weird - even though life as I know it is kind of crumbling around me, I'm actually doing okay. I feel like I'm on good footi... Thu, 4 Aug 2016 10:30:51 EST Days 22 and 23 Going to my therapist may be the best decision I've ever made. I'm not out of the woods, by any means, but I really like my therapist and I feel like I'm going to get good help. <BR> <BR> I don't have the energy to type much at the moment, but I did want to check in with myself. Eating and exercise, even in spite of it all, have been pretty good. As it turns out, developing a routine that's healthy is helping me, I think. They say that when you're depressed, if you stick to a daily routi... Thu, 23 Jun 2016 14:33:44 EST Day 21 Today: work, therapy, workout. <BR> <BR> So glad I get in to see the therapist today. <BR> <BR> *~*~*~* <BR> <BR> Public Service Announcement: I had a few people yesterday respond to my mention of depression by alluding to life being a roller coaster ride. Here's the thing: telling someone who suffers from depression to "enjoy the roller coaster ride" is like telling someone to enjoy their chronic illness and take pleasure in their suicidal ideations. "Hey, cheer up! Enjoy the thrill... Tue, 21 Jun 2016 09:57:51 EST Days 18, 19, 20 The weekend was a little hairy... I was emotionally pretty distraught and so working out was difficult (shoot, even just getting out of bed was difficult), but I did okay. I'm only missing two workouts at this point, and I'm catching up on that this afternoon (worked out this morning, and am going to do legs/back tonight when I get home). I'm going to do Wednesday's workout (Core) tomorrow, and I'm going to do tomorrow's workout (yoga) on Wednesday. Then I'll be more or less caught up on e... Mon, 20 Jun 2016 13:28:44 EST Days 16 and 17 I bagged out of yesterday's workout because I simply couldn't find the mental energy to do it. Depression is like that... it can rob you of all of your will to do the things you normally enjoy. I decided rather than force myself to do it to instead get a good night's sleep and then get up early and do yesterday's workout this morning, which is exactly what I did. Tonight, I'm supposed to go see a show (I really don't want to go, but I have friends in it and I want t be supportive of them),... Fri, 17 Jun 2016 10:01:28 EST Day 15 My old scale was not functioning properly, so I bought a new one. It's fancy, and tells me my weight, body fat %, muscle mass %, water weight %, and bone density. It also connects to my phone via Bluetooth, so I have an easy way to track my stats. <BR> <BR> Since June 3: <BR> <BR> - I've lost 5.2 lbs (I am now 151.4 lbs) <BR> - went from 32.8% body fat to 31.8% body fat <BR> - went from 27.6% muscle mass to 28.1% muscle mass <BR> - water weight has averaged about 49.1% <BR> <BR> Seeing t... Wed, 15 Jun 2016 10:47:15 EST Day 14 So I bolted upright in bed around 1:30 am, and I was not able to get to sleep afterward. Pretty common for depression. <BR> <BR> Tried staying in bed, meditating, reading, etc. - and around 5am, I figured it was pointless and got up. I worked out. <BR> <BR> I'm sure I'll crash later, but I'm going to try to force myself to stay awake for as long as possible so I don't have the same problem tonight. <BR> <BR> The upshot is that waking up so early (too, too early) allowed me time to pack... Tue, 14 Jun 2016 10:04:59 EST Days 11 & 12, and 13 Did yoga, as scheduled, on Saturday. <BR> <BR> Bagged leg day yesterday, but it was only because I was busy doing other things. I got up early and did yardwork, and for some reason I felt motivated to go on a cleaning jag and so I began moving my bedroom furniture around, vacuuming, throwing stuff away, etc. I did that literally all day long, and it felt good to do. Will it snap me out of depression? I really don't know, but it certainly didn't hurt. I have more I'd like to do this week... Mon, 13 Jun 2016 09:30:05 EST hey, here's a good link to describe what I am going through. This is literally everything that is happening to me right now. It sums up pretty darn perfectly what depression is. I hope you read it - not to understand me, but to understand what everyone who suffers with depression goes through. <BR> <BR> <link><BR>05/depression-part-two.html </link> Fri, 10 Jun 2016 14:09:41 EST Days 9 and 10 Yesterday, I found my brain so full of angst and static that - against my better judgment - I went outside and ran. I figured I could do a half hour of running and then do P90X plyo, but only half (each exercise once). I ran well, even in spite of everything; my foot is giving me a little pain today, but nothing terrible. The plan to do a half hour of plyo after, however, did not materialize. I was far too tired and only ended up doing about 18 minutes of it. Mission accomplished, though... Fri, 10 Jun 2016 10:48:32 EST Day 8 Still on the exercise wagon. <BR> <BR> Still depressed. <BR> <BR> Still hanging in there. Wed, 8 Jun 2016 20:32:54 EST Days 6 and 7 I had to bag my workout yesterday - first day of my period is always rough. No matter - I brought my workout clothes to work today. My boss leaves at about 1:30pm, and so I will have the office to myself for the remainder of the afternoon. <BR> <BR> Tonight, I will mow the lawn, practice, and try to straighten up my room a little. Being depressed means that stuff piles up... and I think that looking at all those piles of stuff is not helping matters any. <BR> <BR> *~*~*~* <BR> <BR> I ... Tue, 7 Jun 2016 09:54:15 EST Days 4 and 5 Sticking with my workouts is proving to be very grounding. I was shocked at how good yoga felt yesterday. Usually I fuss and complain about it because it makes me feel creaky and old, but - maybe because I have so little energy to put any kind of emotion into anything - I had literally no ego going into it and I just went through the routine as best I could without thinking of whether what I was doing was "good enough" or not. I actually felt great afterwards. <BR> <BR> I nearly skipped l... Sun, 5 Jun 2016 13:51:38 EST Day 3 Got up. Worked out. Pushing through. I have decided that working out and practicing music are going to be my constants and my daily "me time." <BR> <BR> *~*~*~* <BR> <BR> I thought I was getting better... but I backslid last night and I feel pretty bad again today. I thought I was feeling good enough to go out and meet a friend at a theatre fundraiser, but that was a mistake... because of the people and the noise and the alcohol, I completely shut down. I cried during my entire drive h... Fri, 3 Jun 2016 09:36:24 EST Day 2 Upon waking up today, I nearly bailed. Didn't, though, because when I go home tonight, all I want to do is practice, read for a bit, and maybe put away laundry. That's it. <BR> <BR> I got MOST of the way through plyo today, but stopped because my heel started to do funny things. I desperately do NOT want to re-injure, so I erred on the side of extreme caution and stopped after 53 minutes. Seeing that I'd promised myself I was going to do at least a half-hour, this is far from failure. <B... Thu, 2 Jun 2016 13:05:01 EST Short update I got up early and exercised this morning... so there's something to be a little happy about. I hope that with regularity, it will help improve my mood. It wasn't the prettiest workout ever, but that's not the point. The point is to move and do something. Anything. <BR> <BR> I also got my meals squared away for the day - all but dinner, which I'll figure out when I get home. <BR> <BR> *~*~*~* <BR> <BR> I need to think very hard and very carefully about my life - where it's going, whe... Wed, 1 Jun 2016 09:50:11 EST So much for intuition As it turns out, my friend Neil was NOT a good choice to open up to. Turns out he was copying and pasting my messages, verbatim, to show to a girl... a girl into whose pants he is trying to get. Desperately. So desperately, in fact, that he was using my problems as a way to make conversation with her, saying he was so saaaaad. I found out because he coped/pasted my messages and accidentally sent them to me instead of her... probably because he was drunk. Isn't that awesome? I'm pouring ... Tue, 31 May 2016 11:52:06 EST I've had too much to think. Still hanging in. <BR> <BR> I'm in the process of gathering my thoughts because my friend Neil took notice that I've not been myself and asked me what's wrong. <BR> <BR> The fact that he noticed this is remarkable, because - for better or worse - I am a very skilled actress who is extremely adept at convincing the world that I'm great and everything is fine while on the inside, my spirit is flatlining. It's also remarkable because he lives just outside of London, and I live here in Del... Fri, 27 May 2016 10:24:29 EST Treading water So I've been taking some time to myself lately. <BR> <BR> I still check in every day just to give myself a semblance of routine and not go completely off the rails... but I am having an extremely difficult time of late. I think I'm battling a bout of depression - not just a case of the blues. I'm having some ideas that, to a rational brain, would probably be a bit scary. Not to worry, I'm not going to act on them and I am in the process of seeking help. <BR> <BR> The upshot of feeling th... Mon, 23 May 2016 17:06:54 EST Crazy past two weeks... Well - I'm officially 40. :) So far, so good! <BR> <BR> My schedule has been off the rails lately. I've been on vacation... back and forth to NYC - twice! - and also took a little jaunt to the beach, as well. Crazy! I need a vacation from my vacation, and the pile of stuff waiting for me on my desk isn't helping matters. <BR> <BR> The good news is that even though exercise has been almost completely absent, I managed to not lose control of how I ate. Fortunately, in the city, there's ... Thu, 28 Apr 2016 15:19:29 EST R.I.P., bluetooth headphones My trusty bluetooth headphones - the ones I did several rounds of P90X with, the ones I wore during my entire summer training for a half-marathon - finally died this week. They just refuse to hold a charge. :( <BR> <BR> I've had them for 2.5 years. I guess I can't really complain about that, especially since I sweated all over them, wore them in all kinds of conditions (blistering heat... sheeting rain...), mashed them up all kinds of ways in various bags, and generally just abused the he... Sat, 16 Apr 2016 13:24:49 EST Do YOU, boo! So I went for a run last night - nothing insane, just Couch to 5k, week 1 - and I wore my old shoes. <BR> <BR> And by old shoes, I mean OLD. They're Adidas Supernova Cushion 6... and Adidas is currently on version 8 or 9 of this shoe, I think. So, yeah - they're old. I also sort of buck conventional thinking in that I don't like to wear socks with my running shoes. Can't tell you how I've been hollered at over the years to wear socks when I run. AND, get this - I did NOT put my orthot... Thu, 14 Apr 2016 09:41:56 EST Regrouping. Okay, so... today, my foot feels better. A tad bit stiff, maybe, but not the pain I was dealing with in the morning yesterday. <BR> <BR> Last night, I had a lot of time to myself to do some thinking. I was at the theatre, sewing more costumes for a show... and sewing is a great "passive activity" for me in that it doesn't require a lot of brain power but is something good to do when I have heavy thinking to do. Working with my spinning wheel is the same way... it's repetitive and relati... Wed, 13 Apr 2016 09:59:49 EST Maybe this is a test of character. Well, last night, I took my first run in a very long time. <BR> <BR> The run itself went great. It felt SO DAGGONE GOOD to be back out and running again, even though most of it was walking. I did Couch to 5k, Week 1, Day 1. <BR> <BR> Today, however, is a different story. Friends, I am really, really hurting. I lay in bed this morning and fantasized about cutting off my foot. <BR> <BR> I don't know why. I've been walking with no problems... did three miles with zero pain on Friday. ... Tue, 12 Apr 2016 10:35:11 EST Recap This weekend... not the greatest. Right on schedule, my period started, and it took all the energy out of me - and I mean ALL OF IT. No workouts, and although I didn't go completely off the rails with eating, it wasn't as great as it could have been. <BR> <BR> It wasn't a complete wash, however. I got taxes done, and I am very pleased at the amount of the return - so much so that I'm going to turn a lot of that money around and put it back into the house. Unbelievably, it'll be seven y... Mon, 11 Apr 2016 10:34:49 EST Not bad - not bad at all :) So yesterday, I attempted plyo. It's the first time since last year... I have been, up until recently, under strict orders for no leapy-jumpy stuff while my foot does its thing. My foot felt good yesterday, so I attempted plyo - sometimes modified, but mostly real-deal . <BR> <BR> It went well. It went REALLY well. And although my foot was a little sore this morning, it wasn't the same kind of soreness AND a little stretching resolved it almost immediately. <BR> <BR> Friends... <BR> <B... Fri, 8 Apr 2016 11:16:20 EST Unexpected treasures Wilmington gets a bad rap. And not all of it is underserved - violence is at an all-time high with no end in sight. (Though I do take issue with Newsweek dubbing it "Murdertown, USA" - that's not helping matters.) The city government is in chaos, with its idiot mayor at the head of the issues. It's not a political thing - this man is truly DUMB. <BR> <BR> Still, most months of the year, I like working in Wilmington. It's crappy and gross in the winter months, but during the spring, summ... Thu, 7 Apr 2016 10:38:19 EST Hanging in! So I promised myself yesterday that even though I was in a poopy mood, I would do at least fifteen minutes of my planned kickboxing workout - and I ended up doing the whole hour, and feeling pretty good about it. I guess I know myself pretty well. :) <BR> <BR> I didn't do the strength training - but here's the deal: I have a 2 mile walk and shoulders/arms scheduled for today. I will do the walk at lunch - no problem there. It's cold and a little breezy but sunny and definitely won't be ... Wed, 6 Apr 2016 10:15:29 EST THE COLD Cold weather really robs me of my mojo. We're having a bit of a cold snap - March felt more like April, and April - at least at first - seems to feel more like March. We had snow flurries this morning, and it made me want to punch the sky. <BR> <BR> I got my walk in yesterday before the change in the weather - yay! - but I came home and basically passed out instead of doing the weight training I had scheduled. I'm thinking it must be PMS; I fell asleep sometime between 8:30-9pm yesterday,... Tue, 5 Apr 2016 09:46:54 EST Apple Watch! Well, my beloved, trusty heart rate monitor - the one I wore during P90X, the one I trained with for 5ks and the Beat the Blerch half marathon - finally crapped out. Replacing batteries did nothing, resetting it did nothing - it will just NOT pick up my heartbeat anymore. <BR> <BR> The timing was kind of good, however, because I've been kicking around the idea of getting an Apple Watch, anyway - and I just got a nice bonus at work, too, so it really worked out great. I've been wanting some... Mon, 4 Apr 2016 11:28:32 EST WELL HELLO APRIL AND THUS BEGINS THE MONTH-LONG 40TH BIRTHDAYPALOOZA JUBILEE EXTRAVAGANZA!!! <BR> <BR> I'm having an amazing day, and I've really got nothing to add. :) <BR> <BR> Happy Friday, everyone! Fri, 1 Apr 2016 10:41:05 EST Oh hormones... I know that I must be entering the PMS Zone because just about everything is making me cry. <BR> <BR> I got my performance appraisals from my boss and my supervisor, and I'm happy to report that I got pretty great marks all around - so I expect my review this afternoon to go well. Tomorrow is April 1 - my last remaining days in my 30s begin tomorrow, and I'm ridiculously excited about turning 40. I'm happy with the progress I am making on an internal level. I'm finally healing from injuri... Thu, 31 Mar 2016 10:03:20 EST Coasting for the rest of the week :) Boss is GONE until next week!! WOO HOO!!! <BR> <BR> This means I can get away from my desk a little more and walk. My foot is feeling pretty good, even after putting it through the paces yesterday with kickboxing - even so, I'm going to be conservative with my walk today and only go 1.75 miles. I also have weight training scheduled for tonight - so my plan is to come home, throw laundry in, get my workout done while my laundry goes, have myself a nice little protein shake for dinner, and ... Wed, 30 Mar 2016 09:40:01 EST Well, that explains a lot I felt so crappy yesterday because it appears that I'm fighting something - and I'm thinking it's just a cold. I went to bed last night with aches, chills, and a sore throat, and I slept like a ROCK for a solid nine hours - which is very, very unlike me. Seven hours is my standard. <BR> <BR> Today, I've brought my workout clothes to work with me, and I plan to get a little kickboxing done during lunch. Boss missed his morning doc appointment, and so he rescheduled it for 11:30... so I'm g... Tue, 29 Mar 2016 09:32:23 EST Good advice I'm not what you'd call a religious person, by any means. I'm extremely spiritual, but for my own spiritual practices, I don't adhere to organized religions. I feel it is a very personalized experience, different for each one of us, and once human beings get involved with it and try to make/enforce rules, claiming it is the "will of (insert deity here)," things get awfully dangerous. This is why the earth and nature based faiths/philosophies appeal to me. They are well-suited to the solo ... Mon, 28 Mar 2016 13:17:48 EST Little by little The weather right now is very mild, so I took another walk last night, and I took my dog, Hannah, with me. My dog is truly my bestie - and generally speaking, if you don't like my dog (or my dog doesn't like you!), chances are, you and I are not going to get along. Thankfully, Hannah gets along with just about everyone. She's so goofy and affable. <BR> <BR> Last night, we took a walk through North East, Maryland. (Yes, the town is called North East.) It's a cute little town that has so... Fri, 25 Mar 2016 09:51:28 EST Any step towards success will give you success So, lately, I've been listening to Shaun T's "Trust & Believe" podcasts. This may sound weird, but it's seriously one of the most positive things in my life right now. Of course, he addresses things like physical fitness and nutrition... but more importantly (maybe most importantly), he addresses the psychological and emotional components of what it means to live a healthy, positive life. <BR> <BR> If you do not already listen to this podcast, I highly recommend it. It comes out weekly,... Thu, 24 Mar 2016 10:42:13 EST Getting real So... pull up a chair and get comfy, because this is going to be a long one. <BR> <BR> I have a history of disordered eating. <BR> <BR> It's mostly binge/purge behavior, but I have also had bouts where I have actually been afraid to eat food. My relationship with food has been fraught since high school. <BR> <BR> I know I am not alone and that many of us have issues with food (or we wouldn't be here, right?). My complicated relationship with food has manifested itself in different wa... Tue, 22 Mar 2016 11:34:22 EST Ushering in the new Well... we had our last show yesterday, and it went extremely well. <BR> <BR> Here's a picture of me in the show. (For reference, the show is _Sunday in the Park with George_ by James Lapine/Stephen Sondheim. It explains the cut-out people/objects. It's a weird show.) <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Anyway, we had to take the whole set apart yesterday after the show... and since there were only fourteen peop... Mon, 21 Mar 2016 09:52:22 EST Oh, for CRYING OUT LOUD. Snow in the forecast? Are you f'ing serious?!?! <BR> <BR> HHHHHHH. <BR> <BR> I know it's spring and everything, but come ON already...!! <BR> <BR> *~*~*~*~* <BR> <BR> Everything is kicking my posterior at the moment. The end is in sight; after Sunday afternoon, life is going to get SO much easier on me as far as time is concerned. This is good; I've been far too busy for my own liking, and I have housekeeping to do, both in the literal sense and in the figurative sense. <BR> <BR> Ye... Fri, 18 Mar 2016 15:54:18 EST Weather... Characteristic for March, the weather is unpredictable - nobody knows from day to day how exactly to dress for it. You might freeze in the morning, but you might also get too hot that same afternoon. Layering is the order of the moment. <BR> <BR> Today is rather bleak, and my mood is kind of reflecting that, I think. It's been damp and dreary and cool these past few days, and it's sapping me of my energy and will. Not helping is the fact that it is tech week and we're in rehearsals every... Tue, 15 Mar 2016 10:20:46 EST Not such a great weekend... ...I totally bailed on my workouts and my eating was not wonderful, either. I wasn't feeling well at all. But at least I got some housework done - I started work on the kitchen, which is sorely in need of a declutter and a deep-clean. Made a good dent in that. <BR> <BR> Still feeling kind of blah and ick today, but I'm going to try to make the best of things and at least get my eating under control. I think I went off the rails over the weekend because I was tired and just not feeling gr... Mon, 14 Mar 2016 11:37:42 EST Being tested like CRAZY this week I was awoken at about 3am by a migraine, and I'm still trying to shake it. I have my office as dark as I can get it, but even staring at the computer monitor is painful. This will be a short blog. <BR> <BR> I haven't had a migraine in a very long time. I'm wondering if this came about by some combination of my period and also not eating enough yesterday. I hydrated a lot and I got my workout in yesterday afternoon, but almost immediately after, my period began in earnest. I tried to mak... Fri, 11 Mar 2016 09:15:12 EST The best-laid plans... ...occasionally get derailed. But that's okay, because Plan B is in effect!! <BR> <BR> I was going to wake up STUPIDLY early today (like, 4am) to work out before my EPAT treatment today, but I instead opted to sleep... because: (a) sleep is important; and (b) I forgot that my boss is going to be in NYC for the entire afternoon, and so I can grab a workout at work! I have P90X Kenpo loaded on my iPad, so I'm going to do that workout this afternoon and just switch my Monday workout to barre... Thu, 10 Mar 2016 10:26:15 EST Please weigh in on standing desks! One more quick note... I am in the market for a standing desk (or, more appropriately, a converter for my work desk). <BR> <BR> Does anyone out there have a standing desk? What do you think of it? How did you adapt to it (I assume it takes time)? <BR> <BR> Please leave me your comments below! I'd love to hear your opinions and solutions. <BR> <BR> <em>304</em> Wed, 9 Mar 2016 10:27:22 EST