SECRET_SWITCH's SparkPeople Blog SECRET_SWITCH's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community I don't know what to think? This morning I stood on the scale (first time in days) and it said 221.1!!! I had to stand on it twice to believe it!!! I wasn't trying, honestly, I have been too stressed to think about my weight!!! Money issues, kid issues, and husband issues have been making me crazy!!! Money sucks right now, and trying to rob peter to pay paul sucks even more!!! Oh well, I know that is temporary!!! <BR> <BR> We had a major blow up at our house regarding my step son this week, my husband actually sto... Fri, 2 Aug 2013 09:55:24 EST Confused, sad, broken............**graphic** Well, I am struggling with this all week. My husband signed up while drunk to a "dating website" that is all about sex. I try to make myself believe it is not about me, but how am I not supposed to think that way. In his profile he says "i only have sex once a week"!! That is not because I am not willing, wanting, or able. I understand that this is wayyyyy TMI!!! It has not been me that has had a problem, it's him. I understand that he had cancer last year, and it is getting better. ... Fri, 26 Jul 2013 11:24:20 EST Kinda happy, kinda sad... not sure! Last night I found out when my baby girl wants to go home, it makes her vacation only 3 weeks long. She has had a busy summer and so have I!! I am just tired, falling at work and all the dental work, oh and moving as all but taken it out of me. I was sad when she said it but in another sense I was happy!! <BR> <BR> Like I said she has had a busy summer, Bieber, driver's ed, coming to see me and races with her dad! She wants a little time to "chill" before school starts. She has to psy... Thu, 18 Jul 2013 10:35:17 EST Another Dentist Day!!! Yeee hawww!!!! I really do not like going to the dentist, but I have another tooth that needs pulled!! Also, he said he can fill the gap in my front teeth that I have recently over the last few years acquired!!! YUCK!! It doesn't look bad, just not what I had before!!! So, Kids out there, take care of your teeth and gums!!! My problem is more gums, and I think that is genetic or at least part of it!! Any way!!! <BR> I really do like my dentist, as a person, and as a dentist, he doesn... Mon, 15 Jul 2013 10:50:42 EST Nothing says "Stop Eating".... like .... a filling that decides to come out in the middle of dinner!!! GRRR Not just any tooth, but the front tooth!!! Positive note, the filling was in the back, and only just a slight edge and corner can be seen if you know it is there! I have an appointment with the dentist tomorrow! I hate the dentist, I would rather have a kidney stone than to go!! Oh well, I don't want to have snaggle teeth either, by self esteem can't handle another blow like that. <BR> <BR> On a different note, Th... Wed, 10 Jul 2013 11:12:36 EST why can't it be easy.... ... just for one day! I am feeling defeated, beaten down, and every other thing you can think of! I am tired of feeling like life is a chore, something to be dreaded instead of being celebrated! I feel more alone everyday! My husband does not get it, ok in his defense most people don't get it! I feel myself shutting down, not caring and just letting what it is be what it is! <BR> <BR> The last couple of years while I was away from SP: <BR> 1. My hubby got hodgkins lymphoma.... he's ha... Mon, 8 Jul 2013 10:48:14 EST I feel like........ I am totally going to hell today!!!! OMG!! Work is making me crazy!! I am trying so hard to get motivated to get back on track with weight loss and not sure how to find the way! <BR> <BR> The reason I feel like I am going to hell is because of the thoughts about people and situations that run through my head! <BR> <BR> Later when I actually have time I will post what my last year and half has been like! <BR> <BR> Have a safe holiday!! Wed, 3 Jul 2013 15:59:28 EST DUDE!!! I look at the picture on here and I don't look anything like this!!! But that being said, I haven't lost that much weight, It is just different!! We finally moved back to the city, I am trying to find someone I can go walk with or do the couch to 5k with. I want someone who will encourage me and not tear me down, or say, "how long are you going to keep that up!?" Anyway, I have been gone for a long time, and seeing that picture made me step back! I am in a completely new job as the last... Tue, 2 Jul 2013 14:34:19 EST Trying to get used to ............ this night shift thing again....... OMG. I will post my Larry update next week. I don't usually get on too much on the weekend. I have a date playing uno and sorry with my husband and stepsons on Saturday! Also, I am working on getting a day job! that is what I really want. I never really wanted that before, but I actually enjoy my husband and would like to be around him. LOL Saturday night is Date night with my husband so here we go. I will also post a new picture or two. My husband... Fri, 28 Jan 2011 05:50:40 EST What a difference a month makes!....Really long .... Sorry! First I want to thank everyone for your support! I also want to say that I was so very sorry to hear that we lost a member of the SP community while I was wallowing in self pity. <BR> Second, my DH and I are getting along much, much better. We both were frustrated and scared and a number of things. <BR> Well, my family and I went to go see my youngest daughter and my inlaws which I love. My DH asked his mother to talk to my youngest step son about his grades and what ever other bug wa... Wed, 26 Jan 2011 02:30:02 EST Thinking........... I want to thank you all for your wonderful comments..... but I think I need to take a break from blogging on here cuz I have very little positive to talk about. Right now my life is in the shambles and I am fighting with my DH everyday (mostly over HIS kids), my anniversary is like 2 weeks away if we make it.... so I am going to take a break for now. <em>247</em> to all. I will still keep coming here and reading and trying to get more inspiration. I will be here, just more invisible! ... Wed, 15 Dec 2010 01:05:21 EST SURGERY date!!!! <em>244</em> Well, last week I went to see the head and neck guy and he was like we are not sure but we can watch it or cut it out...... i said cut it out... so i am having surgery 12/28. getting it over with.... i am just done with lots of stuff... i am tired of my husband crying about the fact that i am having surgery during HIS vacation....... and it is cutting into his time..... and omg heaven forbid he has to do something during that other than getting HIS kids from their mother's hou... Mon, 13 Dec 2010 23:28:56 EST the DRAMA continues............LOL <em>198</em> Ok so they called me and set an appt. That was nice of them. BAD thing is I work Thursday night and the appt is at 1:30pm in godforsaken Overland Park AGAIN! Anyone who works nights or has worked nights knows that this is prime sleeping time! THat is like .25 to .5 tanks of gas..... grrr anyway... so I will be be firm yet try to be nice. I will ask him that if it is just an infection or inflammation ummmmmm why not some anti-inflammatories and/or some antibiotics???? LOL I ... Thu, 9 Dec 2010 01:57:30 EST Had the appt. <em>101</em> still really don't know anything. Ok that is a lie. I know that it is not a tumahhhh lol (sorry had to throw the arnold in there)! The doctor said it was edematous fat. That he would not surgically remove it, because it is not a tumor and that is what he does. He also said it could have been caused by an inflammation (infection somewhere) even from the tattoo behind my ear. As soon as he said something about my tattoo I knew he was going to be judgemental. Whatever. I am... Tue, 7 Dec 2010 23:34:41 EST What a week! <em>198</em> It has been a very emotional week for me. One because I am a freak. I don't mean that in a bad way. This waiting to go to the surgeon is making me crazy. Of course being a nurse is bad enough but having been an oncology nurse for 5 years is even worse. I am worrying about what we don't even know yet. It is making my DH crazy also. I have been very tearful during this week. <BR> <em>224</em> I did go to see my primary office. The nurse practioner was out and I had to s... Fri, 3 Dec 2010 03:00:31 EST Today <em>102</em> I hope I can sleep. Even though I just took all 4 of my days off without overtime I am exhausted. "Larry the Lipoma" is making me crazy. I hurt more often, more headaches, today I am so tired I think I have an ear ache, who knows. Also, I have more numbness sooner, grrr I just want to be able to sleep! GRRRRRR The boys are home with NO SCHOOL! GRRRRRR Wed, 24 Nov 2010 07:05:24 EST Finally have an appt. <em>198</em> Well, after almost another week of waiting and messing around I finally have an appt. with a different surgeon. Did get some bad news about it though. I have to go to the special surgeon not because it is "BY" the brachial plexus it is wrapped "AROUND" the brachial plexus. NOT GOOD! <em>33</em> What and where the brachial plexus is is below the collarbone, and is bundle of nerves that work your arm and fingers. Not to mention it is also close to actual organs like the lung.... Tue, 16 Nov 2010 23:42:47 EST Guess what??? MORE WAITING!!!!! <em>101</em> Ok this is getting on my VERY last nerve. The doctor's office called, which I was surprised they actually followed through with what they said. Not good news. The thing I hoped didn't happen did. "Larry" my lipoma IS down in my brachial plexus!!! <em>198</em> That means this surgeon is going to call my primary care and ask if it is ok that I go to an Orthopedic doctor. WHATTTT??? <em>234</em> I questioned the nurse because that is what I do. I believe you have the righ... Fri, 12 Nov 2010 02:44:41 EST C'mon people let's WAIT some MORE! <em>198</em> Well, I called first thing in the morning. The nurse said, "Oh the doctor hasn't looked at the results yet!" I am thinking WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTT!!! I gave her my info and she said she would call me later. Surprisingly, she called me back within the hour. I was shocked. Not good news though, well, not really any news. She said the doctor thought it was a lipoma ... DUH <em>101</em> We knew that already. She also said that he would be going to review the film with the radiolo... Thu, 11 Nov 2010 03:22:00 EST Waiting.... <em>198</em> There are a few things in this world I know about myself. The biggest thing is I absolutely DESPISE waiting! I am not good at it, I don't want to be good at it, and I need a support group for it ( lol not really)! I am still waiting to hear from the doctor's office regarding my neck. The tech told me on Thursday that the doctor would have the written report 2-3 days! OK I will give them that, even though I am impatient. Today, Wednesday, is now 4, count the FOUR, business... Wed, 10 Nov 2010 03:11:13 EST Had an AWESOME weekend! My husband and I had an awesome weekend together! I miss him though when I am working, <em>46</em> overtime that is. I mean miss him everyday but, I have been working lots of ot lately. I need to get the brakes on the car fixed and buy 2 tires for the blazer. Good times! <BR> I need to get back to going to the gym. I have been so tired lately, and by the time I get off of work I have a headache, that swelling on my neck hurts and I just want to sleep. I think the swelling area is cau... Mon, 8 Nov 2010 02:29:34 EST Thank you all so much! ;o) <em>101</em> I want to thank you all for your support. I don't meltdown that badly frequently, but it does happen. Today is a better day. I went to my MRI, which by the way is a terrible thing. LOL <em>198</em> <BR> <BR> I have never been claustriphobic EVER and I have had MRI's before! But, lemme tell you today was TERRIBLE! First because it is by my neck they have me in a head brace thing. THEN ... LOL they put this bracket over my face and my neck. GRRRR I also got contrast, wh... Fri, 5 Nov 2010 00:19:06 EST Really feeling, helpless and hopeless........ Well, I no longer love halloween..... hopefully someday that will change. I am so tired of people who are supposed to love me making me feel like crap. I had started to feel good about myself for once. I got my hair colored, and I started tanning, I actually treated myself. I bought myself a laptop. I now have no self confidence, and I regret doing my hair and regret getting my laptop. I am at the point now where I don't care, I dont' want to see anyone, do anything or talk on the phone... Wed, 3 Nov 2010 00:54:23 EST Another day in the life..... <em>100</em> Well, I decided to listen to my body for once. Thanks for all the advice guys I really do appreciate it! So, I stayed in bed most of the day, up and down to go to the bathroom and such. Anyway, my leg feels a little better but I think I need one more day off from the gym. Which breaks my streak but I must do what I must do! I also realized this evening why my hips hurt so bad. TOM!!! You would think that I would know this after having the same exact symptoms for the last... Thu, 28 Oct 2010 00:59:26 EST Not feelin' it today! Yesterday was nice, but tiring. My ankle/shin still hurt from trying to run on Sunday! Grrrr I just keep plugging away at it though. I saw my brother and he looked way different than I remembered. I cooked for him and poor thing said, "I don't really eat vegetables except corn." I was making the california medley with broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots. He did enjoy them. He is an over the road truck driver. <BR> Today I am just not feeling it at all, I am tired, my hips hurt, my l... Wed, 27 Oct 2010 00:55:29 EST Appt with Surgeon! <em>198</em> Well, my doctor's office called and the set up the appt with the surgeon. It's on November 1st so it is happening pretty quickly! Which is good! But have you ever had a healthcare professional with a "crazy" last name that makes you kinda scared? Well, I have had a few in my day! And this one has one of those names too! LOL <em>246</em> Oh well! I just can't wait to figure it out and get it gone!. <BR> <BR> On a different note! I AM AWESOME! <em>104</em> I have b... Mon, 25 Oct 2010 01:23:32 EST Neck Update! <em>101</em> Well, I went for my U/S today. I was impressed the office called me this afternoon with the results. I think I need a second opinion. Anyway, they said it is "just a fatty deposit". I asked if it will go away...... answer....... probably not. I told them we need to figure something out. If it is just a fatty deposit why would it grow so much in like 3 weeks? I also told them anytime I turn my head at all to the left I can feel it in my throat, and when I lay on my side it... Fri, 22 Oct 2010 03:23:52 EST Confused <em>198</em> .... Ok... when I went to the doctor's office Friday we did talk about weight loss. I am confused because I have looked at a bunch of different calorie calculator sites.... an they give me a different answer than the nurse practioner did. She told me to not eat more than 1200 cal in a day to lose weight and the other sites tell me between 1700-1900 ish a day.... help Mon, 18 Oct 2010 23:43:09 EST updates..... Well, went to the doctor, the nurse practioner didn't know what it could be on my neck. We have decided to have it ultrasounded on Thursday. She had labs drawn, I won't know what they are of course for days. Hopefully it is not too bad. We also changed my antidepressants. Hopefully that helps too. <BR> I am "killing" myself this week due to I am working five 12hr shifts in a row. Gotta get caught up on bills! wooohooooo! Mon, 18 Oct 2010 01:43:25 EST Today is the day........... I go to the doctor. I am hoping that they can figure it out and get this thing on my neck fixed. I know it is not easy, hense the reason I am a nurse and not a doctor. Though I don't have any urge to be a doc. I like getting to spend time with my patients and laughing and stuff ya know? Anyway, I am scared, I am sure there are a number of things that it could be. So wish me luck and I will keep you posted. <em>148</em> Fri, 15 Oct 2010 02:06:21 EST Truly Disgusted with the state of Health Care!!!! I know this sounds really strange to hear a nurse say this but it is true! First, I try very hard to go to the doctor office and not the ER. Yesterday (Wednesday) I did call the doctor office that my husband has started to go to. We just moved north of KCMO and I need a new primary that is not in Lees Summit, that is just too freakin long a way to drive. I really liked my other doctor. OK enough of that. I called the office and they were more than happy to tell me to come right in after... Thu, 14 Oct 2010 04:34:31 EST Stuff 'N' Things Well, I am here at work again, FUN TIMES! I am thankful I have a job! <BR> Updates first I suppose! My neck area is not any better, in fact it is starting to hurt and is more swollen now. Since Monday I have noticed that if I lay on my left side or turn my head to the left I can feel it "pushing" on my throat, not cool. The good thing is that it is not impaing my ability to breathe! So, sometime today (Wednesday) I will be finding a new primary care physician. Good times!!! I totally ... Wed, 13 Oct 2010 03:20:16 EST Lot's of Stuff! First, I found out that my oldest did get kicked out of Job Corps like a big dumbhead. She went back to Sioux City because I told her she could NOT live with me. She also tried to get her dad to let her move back in and him and his gf both said UMMM NOPE! It is hard to let your kid fall on their face, but she had every opportunity to make this work and didn't. <BR> The class I had on Monday morning for 4 hours totally through me off. I of course am taking responsibility for MY actions o... Sat, 9 Oct 2010 06:29:44 EST A little scared............. I may have noticed over the last week or so that the left side of my neck (by my clavicle) looked different. But tonight it is noticeably swollen, not really painful unless someone is pushing on it, but being a nurse I get freaked out. I will watch it for a bit and then go to the doctor if it doesn't get better. <BR> On a better note..... I did go to the gym today and do my circut. My husband's feet hurt so he didn't go but the boys and I went and did our thing. WOOOHOOO Fri, 1 Oct 2010 01:28:41 EST Renewed Motivation!!! ;o) I don't know what happened, but on Tuesday something clicked in me and I found my motivation again!!! YAYYYYYY! Of course I couldn't sleep all stinkin' day and I had to go to work that night! But I stepped up my circut just a little (ok more than a little I added a set) now it is 2 sets! I went to work thought I was going to die because I was soooooooooooooo tired! Then about 0500 the energy hit. GRRRR! <BR> So, I went home couldn't sleep until about 10am. Woke up at 1530, and thought... Thu, 30 Sep 2010 02:45:44 EST UPDATE to Somedays............ (some explicit language) OMFGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG my daughter did exactly what I thought she was going to do........ BOOOHOOOOO.. I wll copy and paste the email from her <BR> <BR> im glad im such a problem good to see where u put me in you life ur to rapped up with you fav kids and ur presious husbad sorry to intrued in you live so when im complete i will just get my stuff and be outa your life. <BR> <BR> I am not backing down.... she can be mad at me for the rest of her life I am at the point I don't care...... Thu, 23 Sep 2010 13:21:18 EST Somedays............. (some explicit language) Well, first I still have not gone to the gym. But to help make me more accountable, I told my husband tell the boys we ARE going to the gym tomorrow after school! I started taking my cymbalta again and it is makin me sick to my stomach and no energy... I just have to do it and being accountable to someone else helps! <BR> <BR> I am eating better, YAYYY ME I didn't eat before I went to bed 2 days in a row! That is a big deal for me. Everyday is progress! <BR> <BR> My major stress fa... Wed, 22 Sep 2010 22:25:48 EST Today is another day! I have been feeling less than motivated to get to the gym, I don't know why either because I really do love to go. I have been so tired these past couple days. We shall see, today my plan is get up when the boys come home from school and we are going to go. Sounds like a plan. LOL I hope you all have a wonderful day! Wed, 22 Sep 2010 04:52:39 EST what to say............ I have had some ups and downs this weekend. First up was I got an email from the chick that I talked about in my previous blogs!! Well, he of course tried to put alot of the blame on my husband because of the past. Well, he gave my hubby his phone number, and of course tried to tell me to kick my hubby to the curb or keep him on a leash. LOL Well, my hubby gave me the number, he also left a message because her husband told my husband to "man up" whatever. Well of course he didn't answ... Wed, 15 Sep 2010 23:50:35 EST Better today/yesterday Well yesterday (Thursday) ended up being better with my "issues" I was able to get my hubby to talk to me. We actually talked somethings out. Though my one dream that has been with me forever will never come true. I am ok with that. The issues with my stepsons treating me like crap is a work in progress. I am glad that my husband stands behind me when it comes to that, though he does not understand what it is like to get the constant barrage of negativity from the kids, as my kids don't... Fri, 10 Sep 2010 04:48:18 EST so tired.............. last night i think i completely realize that life sucks........ nothing really ever comes out of it or stays that is good.... <BR> i am tired of........ <BR> being there for everyone else <BR> feeling like i am not good for anything but sex and a paycheck <BR> not having my daughter live with me <BR> having my hopes raised and then dashed <BR> EVERYTHING <BR> <BR> I know that lately i have been sounding off and on negative.... my workouts are fine.... still working on my food..... whatever... Thu, 9 Sep 2010 06:10:28 EST BWAHAHAHAHA! First I want to say THANK YOU to everyone who put up with my cry baby pee pants episode. Today I have my "big girl panties" on. LOL <em>334</em> This blog is related to the one from yesterday. My hubby is still FB friends with her, that is whatever. BUT I had warned her MONTHS ago. I have a whole list of people who are related to her HUSBAND and their phone numbers. Also, I think I have figured out his whole real name. BWAHAHAHA... since she doesn't work and one kid is grown and the ... Fri, 3 Sep 2010 05:40:44 EST I will never understand! (not a happy go lucky post) Why people can get so defensive! for the love of God! You ask a simple question and everything gets blown out of proportion!!! I am just tired of it! I know I am supposed to be upbeat but tonight I am so not feeling it! I am tired of the people in this world that won't get on their own dang husbands or wives instead of yours. I am tired of the people who try to have emotional relationships with your spouse and then tell you that you are the one with the freakin problem. UMMMMM NOPE!!! ... Wed, 1 Sep 2010 23:46:44 EST GRRRRRRR Just weighed myself like a big dumb head and I gained 7 lb since 08/12/10. I must breath because that makes me madder than a hornet. Hopefully next week will look better. I do think I emotionally ate too much this week. Starting to try to use the nutrition tracker, we shall see how that goes. Also, trying to get on a routine with the gym and I am having trouble with that. Wish me luck. LOL I am going to need it! <em>198</em> Fri, 27 Aug 2010 05:56:13 EST WOW... I could become addicted to exercise. I know that sounds silly, but it was never a priority growing up and I have never taken a PE class from junior high on. Just joined a gym with my husband and stepsons and I am feeling pumped. It has been approximately a week since joining. Still trying to find my "groove" but I feel bad if I don't get to go for some reason. I have so much to lose, but when I go it has nothing to do with that if that makes sense. I go for the endorphins! I usually ha... Thu, 26 Aug 2010 06:51:37 EST