SEAGLASS1215's SparkPeople Blog SEAGLASS1215's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Good Day but Support Isn't There Went out to lunch with a friend, looked up the calories on the menu before hand, and got a grilled cheese with tomato soup instead of a cheeseburger and fries. Came in under my daily goal, too, while meeting my carbs, protein, and fiber numbers. Never thought I'd say I am enjoying tracking but I actually am having fun with it and it's keeping my accountable! <BR> <BR> So I'm feeling pretty good about this and DD decides to be in one of her talking moods and the next thing I know, I'm being ... Sat, 27 May 2017 06:30:06 EST Dress / Walking I found a dress to wear for the upcoming wedding next month - it is all one piece, black skirt white sleeveless top, with a jacket that has a black, blue, and white print...the skirt long enough to cover my knees but not too long (I'm only 5'2") and the jacket is longer in the front, very flowy, gives the illusion of height and covers the bat wings. Don't even need any under-shaping garment to make it look better. I feel dressed up but not covered in "bling" like some of the other things I tr... Fri, 26 May 2017 07:25:48 EST Good News for a Change Very happy to report that I have been consistently tracking my food all week -- this is a huge accomplishment, I have written many, many times about my dislike of having to track my food but I have finally done it for an entire 7 days, I feel like celebrating! I even came really close to my calorie goals, a bit over or under each day, I think the average will be just right. So now I may cut myself back by 50-100 calories for the upcoming week - not a huge drop but that's okay, I want to make... Thu, 25 May 2017 07:20:53 EST Good News for a Change Very happy to report that I have been consistently tracking my food all week -- this is a huge accomplishment, I have written many, many times about my dislike of having to track my food but I have finally done it for an entire 7 days, I feel like celebrating! I even came really close to my calorie goals, a bit over or under each day, I think the average will be just right. So now I may cut myself back by 50-100 calories for the upcoming week - not a huge drop but that's okay, I want to make... Thu, 25 May 2017 07:20:18 EST Radiation is DONE To say I am extremely excited that radiation is over is an understatement...I am finally done with daily scorching of tender skin, finally don't have a commitment of every day having to be at the cancer center, finally at the point where my life can start moving forward. Yes, there will be oral medication and doctor appointments, but it certainly won't be like it has been, where I've been "in treatment" and "going through" chemo or radiation...I feel like a giant weight has been lifted and I'... Tue, 23 May 2017 08:16:42 EST Three Days in a Row This tracking thing is working, I cannot believe I have not thrown in the towel yet (only 3 days so far but it's keeping me in line with my calorie goals). I even had ice cream and pizza - but, I have NOT been binge nibbling through my days, I'm drinking more water, I'm not skipping meals and then snacking non-stop on junk...okay, three days is not enough reason to post a success story yet but at least it is three days of sticking to something which, for me, is a huge accomplishment! <BR> <B... Sun, 21 May 2017 07:50:35 EST Tracked Again / Revealing my Head Yesterday I came in under my calorie goal by about 300 - yes, under!! As much as I am not a tracking fan, I'm trying to make it as fun as possible and can honestly say that it is keeping me more accountable because I'm not left guessing if I can afford the calories in an extra slice of cheese for example. It will be interesting to see an average at the end of the week - I'm wondering, if one day is over, another under, is that still okay as long as the overall average is on target? <BR> <BR... Sat, 20 May 2017 06:27:59 EST Tracked Yesterday - success! I tracked yesterday - every bite - and my calorie intake was 2042, only 42 calories over goal which I consider a victory. My choices were 95% healthy, I probably could have had one less slice of pizza and added a salad, but overall not bad to start. No formal exercise, it was an awful 96 degrees, but I did drink a TON of water. No binge-grazing, stuck to scheduled snack and meal times...I am considering yesterday a success! <BR> <BR> Radiation update - I will not go into graphic details ot... Fri, 19 May 2017 07:39:40 EST Tracking and a Plan When I track my food, it is easier to say "no" to certain things because I don't want to write them down and also I don't want to admit to myself that I ate, say, 6 cookies in less than 2 minutes and don't even remember what they tasted like. I also like seeing that Spark report at the end of the day, telling me what I did right and where I need to pay better attention. Seeing that the majority of my calories came from carbs, for example, and that the butter on my popcorn put me way over my "... Thu, 18 May 2017 08:35:33 EST Yesterday - A Good Day, Finally! I managed to get through two somewhat stressful situations yesterday without using food as a coping mechanism...I had to let others feel uncomfortable without taking on their frustrations and issues and this was rather difficult for me to do, as I usually try to make sure everyone feels better (often at my own expense). A little voice kept saying "Eating will not help"...and although I wanted to grab something to eat and stuff down my own feelings, I was able to breathe through it and drink w... Wed, 17 May 2017 07:33:31 EST Radiation / Therapist Yesterday was not a very good day, I think because I was simply so overtired from waking up at 3:15AM and then dealing with the discomfort/pain of these dang radiation was hard to simply move around, lifting my arm is torture because the skin sticks to itself then pulls away, ripping itself apart. The doctor prescribed another ointment and also some meds for pain but I'm only going to take those pills at night since they make me sleepy - I'll do Advil during the day. Also starting ... Tue, 16 May 2017 08:00:01 EST Burns, New Focus, Money Woes Ouch...burned skin is beginning to peel, sticking to itself, I've been up since 3:15 AM with some significant discomfort - not looking forward to taking a shower, not sure which cream / ointment will help...perhaps now that radiation is going to focus at tumor site and not entire breast/armpit they can give me something stronger for relief, this really is not fun anymore. <BR> <BR> Pain and burns aside, I enjoyed Mother's Day and learned that both my son's plan to get engaged by the fall wh... Mon, 15 May 2017 06:20:55 EST Radiation Update / Work I'm coming into the final stretch with the radiation - starting Monday they are going to be repositioning me so my treatments will be more of a "boost" to the actual tumor site, not the entire left breast/armpit area...I cannot describe how grateful I feel as I don't think my underarm could take anymore direct burns. I'm living on Advil and Lidocaine, it helps, but the area is sensitive because the skin sticks to itself when my arm is in a normal position. I'm also getting a blue/purple line... Sat, 13 May 2017 05:34:09 EST Eating Train Wreck <em>15</em> <em>198</em> <em>15</em> <em>234</em> <em>15</em> <em>39</em> <em>15</em> <BR> <BR> I have a confession, I hit the proverbial bottom of the barrel with my eating yesterday - I think I had an all day binge, starting shortly after breakfast and not finishing until 7:00 PM during my support group. If it wasn't nailed down, it was in my mouth - even if it didn't taste good! The cause for this binge? Not sure -- possible stress as DD had some minor hand surgery an... Wed, 10 May 2017 07:33:46 EST Son / Burn - Not Sunburn, haha Fingers crossed, my son who just graduated (Forgive me for a "Mom" moment, I have to brag, double major: Psychology & Criminal Justice, Magna Cum Laude) has another interview with our local police station on Thursday, this time with the Chief of Police. He was told at the last one that there were two openings, only three people were called back to interview for it (he was one of them) and that they picked the other 2 candidates. He was assured if there was another opening between now and Febr... Tue, 9 May 2017 07:34:23 EST Saturday / Sunday / Week Ahead Graduation went well - the rain came and went but when I saw a double rainbow in the sky, I just knew my Mom and Dad were peeking in from heaven to wish my son well. <em>437</em> <em>437</em> The party and bonfire went on in spite of the occasional drizzle. I was done and in bed by 10:00 PM but the crowd stayed until about 1:30 AM. It helped that everyone was outside, the noise level was not preventing me from sleeping. <BR> <BR> Today we (sisters in law, maybe mother in law, and I... Sun, 7 May 2017 07:48:11 EST Weekend Plans / Radiation Busy weekend ahead -- today is my oldest son's college graduation. He carried a double major (Criminology and Psychology) and is graduating Summa Cum Laude - so proud of him! He did it in less than 4 years also, and this is after serving in the Army for 8 years (5 active, 3 reserves). We will attend the ceremony this morning and have a party/bonfire at our house tonight. Right now it it is pouring -- fingers crossed that the old saying holds true: "Rain before 7 stops by 11" <BR> <BR> Tomorr... Sat, 6 May 2017 05:57:49 EST Trying to Keep Complaints in Perspective Being busy while fighting fatigue feels like being in a dream where you are trying to run but your legs feel like they stuck in underwater... <BR> <BR> Trying to get comfortable when your left side is covered in goo to alleviate skin burns and irritation, but your arm pit is purple and feels like it's stuck together and knowing you have two more weeks of this is very discouraging... <BR> <BR> Trying to remain patient while hair on your head is very slow to grow back and is pure white so far... Fri, 5 May 2017 07:28:04 EST Rug update Had to toss our oriental rug (it was a very worn out hand me down) as there was simply no way to remove the smell Henry left in his wake the other day. I'm okay with ditching the rug, it does not really fit my taste, and it will be much easier to keep the floor clean. I might have to get a couple of small area rugs for the area in the winter though (something cheap just in case) as it does seem to make the room warmer in the cold months. Also, while trying to get the stains/smell out, I was o... Wed, 3 May 2017 07:46:00 EST Welcome to May - Thanks, Henry Woke up to dog poop just about covering my living room rug...I am assuming it was Henry, the bigger of our two dogs, too much for a cat even though one of the kitties seemed to be not feeling well yesterday. He seemed okay yesterday, not sure what he ate that disagreed with him. Without getting too graphic, let's just say it was not an easy clean up and not the nicest thing to wake up to, especially on a Monday! But it's so hard to get mad at that face! <BR> <BR> <img src="http://photosaws... Mon, 1 May 2017 06:13:46 EST Lesson Learned Yesterday, I was in a situation where I had the choice about whether or not to indulge in some ice cream. My stomach was already feeling gassy and bloated from lunch and my mind was whirling with thoughts, such as "If I eat the ice cream I may feel worse" while the little devil on my other shoulder was saying "This is a special treat at a special shop, you deserve to enjoy it". I was also going thru all the consequences I would face/feel if I had the ice cream: eating too much sugar means inf... Sun, 30 Apr 2017 06:39:43 EST Day 1 - What I Did Right I did very well yesterday in spite a few oops moments! <BR> <BR> 1. Tracked everything - even the bites I shouldn't have eaten - only went over calorie budget by about 350 which is not bad, considering how much I would have eaten had I not been paying attention <BR> <BR> 2. Parked far away from stores I had to visit so got some walking in, despite being in pain and feeling quite fatigued <BR> <BR> 3. No grazing or binge eating, though I was a little heavy handed with the Doritos I ate with... Fri, 28 Apr 2017 06:32:18 EST I Think I Hit Bottom - AGAIN!! Anxiety -- that feeling you get because there is a wedding coming up in two months and you have to buy a dress (gasp!) and the size you need looks like a tent with sequins added to minimize the horror <BR> <BR> Panic -- that feeling of anxiety magnified when you look in the mirror and realize that the tent does not look any better on you than it did on the hanger -- in fact, you look awful <BR> <BR> Depression -- that feeling you sink into knowing you wasted all this time with excuses and p... Thu, 27 Apr 2017 07:53:36 EST Friend's Surgery Went Well Happy to report that after 10+ hours of surgery, everything went well for our friend, they think they got all the cancer out -- many thanks to all of you for your prayers and well-wishes and kind thoughts! <BR> <BR> Support group meeting yesterday - not sure if I am getting much out of it or if I am feeling more guilt for not being "as sick" as some of these people and for having a relatively easy time of things in comparison. I will probably keep going a few more times at least. There is on... Wed, 26 Apr 2017 12:58:23 EST Things I Did RIGHT <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <BR> Yes, it has been just about that bad lately...HOWEVER... <BR> <BR> Below is a short list of Things I Did RIGHT: <BR> <BR> 1. Walked around the block 2 days in a row <BR> 2. Made healthy choices for main meals <BR> 3. Tried a new healthy recipe for dinner <BR> 4. Bought myself a new Vera Bradley purse (clearance 50% off!) as a reward for when I finish radiation - I won't use it until ... Tue, 25 Apr 2017 05:38:38 EST Our Friend - Prayers Needed We have a quiet but stressful week ahead - I have my radiation every day, of course, with a group support meeting and art therapy meeting but that's it for "plans". My DH's best buddy, however, is facing some major cancer surgery (I think the operation is 10 - 12 hours long) and everyone is rather worried. Even if all goes well, the recuperation and healing is going to be a long road ahead. The surgery is Tuesday and he has a difficult day of "prep" ahead of him today -- like for a colonoscop... Mon, 24 Apr 2017 07:56:25 EST TGIF This week has not been very positive, I'm trying to think of things I did "right" but it's a very short list. The thought of setting goals, even small ones, feels daunting. I think the fatigue of radiation is starting to set in and is just bringing me down...maybe by having the weekend "off" (no radiation) I'll have a chance to regroup and get my head out of my @$$... <BR> <BR> I saw my therapist yesterday and spent much of the hour venting about DD and the therapist says "I can't diagnose ... Fri, 21 Apr 2017 07:30:32 EST Another Vent...sorry... Well - so much for getting back on track this didn't happen, nor did I put much effort in to making it happen. Seems my mood is in a slump, my energy level is dropping, and either I am losing my mind or the people around me are purposely trying to make me crazy. Not just DD but DH as well. (Example: he turns on the TV toward the end of a show which has about 2 minutes left and the screen then says 'to be continued' -- and he wonders why I don't know what is going on in the plot - h... Thu, 20 Apr 2017 06:19:03 EST Vent Still not feeling 100% myself but doing a bit better than yesterday. Never did manage to get my walk in and had some stress eating issues so the tracking didn't happen either. Life is always getting in my way! (haha - sad excuse but true) <BR> <BR> DD lost patience with me yesterday (she has very little to begin with) and I'm getting pretty tired of it...especially when I admit to being wrong, apologize, and she won't let it go - what else does she want me to do? Of course, I have my doubts... Tue, 18 Apr 2017 07:52:44 EST Getting Back on Track This Week I have a busy week ahead with daily radiation and other appointments for DD, myself, son's birthday, errands, etc. Fingers crossed that my son's second interview on Thursday with the local police department goes well -- I think the first time he was nervous and not sure about being a cop; I'm hoping (and it seems like) he's ready to take this more seriously. <BR> <BR> My goal this week now that Easter (and all it's pastries!) is over is to get myself back on track with healthy eating choices... Mon, 17 Apr 2017 07:59:42 EST Happy Easter! Yesterday was fun - good food (although the kielbasa was rather dry), I ate enough calories to hold me for the week LOL and actually had civilized conversation with my MIL which is very rare. Today we are being unconventional in that we are doing a cookout for Easter with marinated meats, potato and macaroni salads, grilled veggies, leftover pastries from last night, and an angel food cake with lemon filling that I'm making later on. It does not feel like Easter since the kids are grown, no ... Sun, 16 Apr 2017 07:02:22 EST Tracking, Potatoes, and Walking I tracked my food yesterday here on Spark. It was not awful and I really tried to eat well all day, knowing I had to write it down. I do like how Spark analyzes what we eat in terms of nutrients and breaks it down in a daily report - makes it easy to see where I am going wrong (butter is my downfall) and also how each meal compares in terms of carbs, protein, etc. But there is nothing like a paper tracker (notebook) for going back and making notes in the margins about what is working (or not)... Sat, 15 Apr 2017 07:48:04 EST Dietician - Some Tips I met with a dietician after the radiation yesterday and found her to be SO HELPFUL -- much more so than the therapist I have seen twice now. She was so open and honest and I actually said to her: "I don't mean to be rude, but what exactly can you tell me about eating that I don't already know? I've read the books, the blogs, the websites - I know what I should be eating, how much I should be eating, which foods are good for me, which are offense but I feel like I could DO your job ... Fri, 14 Apr 2017 08:28:22 EST Raking & Radiation Raked the dogs' area of the yard yesterday which is about 36' x 30' - arms are sore (in a good way) and only got one blister near my thumb, I thought I'd have more. It was too warm yesterday, I was raking and dripping sweat at 9:00 AM. Almost seems like we jumped straight into summer without easing into the warmer weather with a nice spring...I'm about the only person I know who is not a fan of summer - too hot and sticky for me! <BR> <BR> First real radiation appointment was yesterday. Doe... Wed, 12 Apr 2017 07:42:05 EST Spring is Here! / Radiation / Binge Confession Finally a day so warm I could sit outside, feel the sun on my face, and not have a jacket on! Opened the windows, turned the heat off and really enjoyed the spring weather. Today is more of the same and I think most of the week looks pretty good too. <BR> <BR> And so I start radiation this week - today is a dry run, go through all the steps but don't actually have radiation, they just need to be sure I line up correctly in the machine. Tomorrow it will officially start, 5 days a week for 6 w... Mon, 10 Apr 2017 07:26:24 EST New Sneakers / Other Stuff Bought new sneakers yesterday - feels like I spent too much for them but they are very supportive and might make my walking easier. I didn't think my old ones were too bad until I saw them side by side and then saw how worn out & misshapen they had become. These new ones are actually a smaller man's sneaker which fits my foot better - narrow heel, wide toe box area, and they look nice, a soft gray color, no bright neon laces or markings (I like those on other people, not on me!) <BR> <BR> S... Sat, 8 Apr 2017 09:37:37 EST Vent Vent Vent <em>234</em> <em>28</em> <em>46</em> <em>28</em> <em>234</em> <BR> <BR> <BR> Why is it that when people are in fear of something, they turn angry and direct that anger at the cause of their fear? When they can't change something, they lash out...and the person on the receiving end of this tirade (me) feels helpless, victimized, and quite simply DONE with having to defend myself and my illness and the side effects it can cause. <BR> <BR> I have chemo brain...I cannot remembe... Fri, 7 Apr 2017 05:57:35 EST Fingers Feel Better / Energy Improved My finger tips are no longer numb (maybe about 98% better) and my fingernails are not painful anymore! I was able to hold a sewing needle yesterday and actually start a new project, I could pull on socks without wincing, I could push microwave buttons with my fingertip instead of having to use my knuckle...woo hoo!! Can't tell you how excited I am! I think the tea tree oil and B-Complex vitamins may have helped, or perhaps it was a passing side effect, not sure - but I am so relieved that the... Wed, 5 Apr 2017 07:41:41 EST The 7 W's of My Motivational Collage I have been working on a motivational collage of pictures from magazines and was seeing a repeat of the letter "W" -- the collage is not done yet but I will post a picture when it is. I thought listing the "W"s here might be a fun way to make it all make sense. <BR> <BR> 1. WALKING - my cardio exercise of choice. I can't run (yet!) and I'd like to go hiking one day, but for now, walking is about all I can do safely and relatively comfortably. <BR> <BR> 2. WEIGHTS - hand weights, 5 lbs or 8 ... Tue, 4 Apr 2017 07:37:15 EST Today is a Fresh Start Very nice birthday celebration for my father in law yesterday. I hated how I looked in the photos for multiple reasons but the camera doesn't lie so I can't lie to myself, either. At least everyone was kind enough to say I looked great despite the lack of hair, no eyebrows, puffy cheeks and of course, overall weight. Even the SIL kept her hands to herself and didn't try to reveal my head to a room full of people! The food was very good, but of course dessert was too rich and calorie laden -... Mon, 3 Apr 2017 08:29:23 EST Nice Dinner / Rude Behavior Lots of fun meeting DH's cousin and his wife - have not seen the cousin in 25+ years and it was nice that DH could let the past go and realize that people change. We'll see them today again at the birthday celebration for my FIL along with other family members, looking forward to a nice meal and a good time catching up. <BR> <BR> One thing that irked me yesterday was my SIL who was curious about my hair (or lack of it). I was wearing a turban, and the next thing I know she is pulling it up ... Sun, 2 Apr 2017 07:36:54 EST Weather & Weekend Plans / Mayo Clinic Diet It snowed, it sleeted, it rained, it seems to be doing all three as I write this...yes it is April 1st and no, this is no April Fool's joke! Welcome to Spring in New England! It's the heavy wet stuff that is going to be a pain to shovel, the tree branches are hanging low, hoping we don't lose power...we have a dinner to go to tonight with an out of town cousin of DH's whom he has not seen in at least 25 years. I hope the cousin arrives safely and the roads are good to travel later on...also h... Sat, 1 Apr 2017 07:52:55 EST Art Therapy and Group Support Art therapy class was wonderful! I learned how to do needle felting and made a small heart and then a 3-D owl. Next week I hope to move on to a larger project. Room was filled with ladies who were so kind and chatty and although I didn't say much, I overheard a lot and it was very uplifting and informative. <BR> <BR> My previous blog mentioned the cancer support group and I may have not expressed myself too clearly as several comments seemed to suggest it might not be the right group for ... Fri, 31 Mar 2017 07:00:48 EST Support Group Meeting I attended a support group meeting yesterday and I felt like I was in the wrong place. My cancer was caught early, is very treatable, and I am not suffering with debilitating side effects. I do not have to travel far to get treatment, my doctors have been wonderful, my prognosis is good, I have support at home even though DD can be a thorn in my side a great deal of the time. <BR> <BR> The folks at the meeting were very warm and welcoming...and more positive and hopeful than I would think po... Wed, 29 Mar 2017 08:03:10 EST Radiation Set Up Let's just say getting "set up" for radiation was rather exhausting...I had to keep my arms above my head and lay on this hard table for about a half hour, with instructions to periodically take a very deep breath and hold it for about 18 seconds. This was harder than you would think as my chin/throat was squished toward my chest due to my arm position and I felt like I was going to choke on my saliva. The reason for holding my breath is so they can time the radiation with something my heart... Tue, 28 Mar 2017 14:41:58 EST Radiation / YMCA / "Diet" Today is my set up appointment for radiation. The appointment takes several hours as they need to make sure I am positioned just right in the machine and then mark me with small freckle size tattoos so I get set up the same way each time. Not sure when the actual radiation will begin but I am anxious to have it start so I can get into a new daily routine and also the sooner it starts, the sooner it will be over. <BR> <BR> I did hear back from the YMCA and according to the woman in charge, mo... Tue, 28 Mar 2017 07:18:58 EST Criticism - an Insight Hearing / handling criticism and the art of being a perfectionist... <BR> <BR> So I'm at the therapist's office explaining how I have this thing about having to be perfect all the time and after a few more comments she says "So it sounds like you have a hard time when someone criticizes you".... <BR> <BR> <em>3</em> <em>3</em> <em>3</em> ding ding ding!!! <BR> <BR> I struggle to be perfect so no one will criticize me. I cannot handle criticism even when it is said with the best ... Mon, 27 Mar 2017 19:04:53 EST Weather / Vacation Plans Freezing rain to start the day - hoping the roads don't ice over as I have two appointments to get to and I hate dealing with slippery conditions. Not sure if this cold weather is affecting my pain but everything seems to hurt worse these past couple of days, especially my fingernails! -- like both hands got slammed in a car door right at the nail beds. <BR> <BR> Vacation plans have been made - kids will go to RI for the Fourth of July and DH and I are staying home (I have to work until June... Mon, 27 Mar 2017 06:30:42 EST Fun Yesterday / Plans for Today The quilt shop hop was a lot of fun but such a long day! We left at 8:00 AM and returned at 5:00PM - happy to report I did not buy anything (a huge accomplishment as I am an impulse buyer when faced with a quilt store full of ideas) but I did get my free fat quarters at each shop along with free patterns, a tote bag, entered raffles, etc. Each shop was packed with people so shopping was a bit chaotic anyway; perhaps the crowds kept me from spending money I didn't have! My friend spent at leas... Sun, 26 Mar 2017 06:30:16 EST Random Stuff - including Beets I have an appointment with a therapist scheduled for Monday afternoon. Hoping I can "connect" with her and make some changes -- on the intake the first question they asked was if I thought I had a substance abuse problem and I said "Not in an illegal sense - does food count?" and she said "Do you use food to cope?" and I said "Yes" so hopefully when they matched me up with the therapist, her credentials include dealing with food issues. <BR> <BR> Hoping I can maintain some energy throughout ... Sat, 25 Mar 2017 06:04:53 EST