SCRIVIE's SparkPeople Blog SCRIVIE's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Exercising yet not feeling better I have actually spent a lot of time exercising this month. Loneliness coupled with being in a new town with no friends and my family far away. Yet I still do not feel good about myself. I feel like an imposter or a fraud. 2012 was the year of failure for me. I am not sure how to allow myself a second chance. I have always believed that people can and do change, but am having a hard time forgiving myself and the people that have hurt me along the way. I feel numb. I want to want to ... Thu, 31 Jan 2013 14:13:15 EST Walked Spent an hour yesterday just walking on the treadmill. Nothing fancy, nothing great, but the alternative would have been sitting alone on my bed. So I walked and walked and walked. I have some time today I will go back to the Gym and do it again. I watched all these people doing huge weight lifting etc but I am just not there yet. I figure some is better than none. <BR> Sat, 12 Jan 2013 10:18:01 EST Joined a gym Okay so I joined a gym. I hope that I will have the motivation to go each day. I plan to go today after work. I signed up to meet with the personal trainer next week to design a program for me. We shall see how things go. <BR> Fri, 11 Jan 2013 13:21:28 EST Just Keep Swimming Did not wake up in time to go Gym shopping yet, but I did try and wake up with a good attitude. I am trying hard not to eat for comfort. I am trying to find other things that make me happy. I am trying to remember that inspite of my mistakes, I am still a worthy and worthwhile person. I am worthwhile no matter what I weigh, but because I am worthwhile I should be worth working out. I will figure out how to start over, slowly but surely. "Just Keep Swimming" Thu, 10 Jan 2013 13:22:33 EST Picking up the shattered pieces of my life Yes, its been six months since I have been here, and it has been six months since I have exercised or cared about myself at all. I left a job that I adored for a million reasons, and sunk into the deepest depression I have ever experienced. I finally found a new job, all the way across the country. Due to school and work issues, I am now living several thousand miles away from my husband and children until at least the end of the school year. I have not gotten on a scale because I am afr... Wed, 9 Jan 2013 21:38:07 EST Missing my family My husband and kids have gone away for 6 weeks. They are visiting his family in his country. I am here alone. I am trying to use the time to focus on me. They left last week, and it was not the greatest week. This week will be different. I prepared all my lunches for the week, and went for a run this morning. I had a goal of 29 minutes. I hit the 29 minutes, and was doing okay, so I kept going. I made it 45 minutes! Yay me! I hope I can get through this time without my babies. I n... Sun, 17 Jun 2012 14:01:23 EST Sore I have been trying to do good with exercising, and trying to push myself a little. However today I am super sore in my shoulders and neck. I have no idea why! I did lift some weights, but perhaps I overdid it? I know soreness is expected, but this is worse than I thought it would be. Any suggestions on how to feel better? Sat, 26 May 2012 20:57:36 EST My Journey to Health So I have been pretty good about going to the gym. I found the trick is to sleep in workout clothes, and on the weekend make sure and pack up 5 days worth of clothing and throw it in my trunk. This way it is always prepared. I also prepared several lunches for the week. Today the office is having pizza, and if I say no, I will just want more later, so I am allowing myself that treat, and having one of my salads for dinner. One thing I am not doing is getting on the scale. I am afraind i... Tue, 15 May 2012 10:58:25 EST Productive Saturday I made healthy lunches for every day next week. I am trying hard to have a plan. I confess it is nice to know it is prepared, however it still was so tiring! I am glad I have a week of healthy eating ahead of me, but thinking about doing this every Saturday, that seems hard. I want to be able to be with my kids, not taking an hour to make lunches. But if I really want to be with my kids long term, I have to make these sacrifices, right? <BR> Anyway, I am hoping this works, I made "maso... Sat, 12 May 2012 20:47:30 EST Successes I made it to the gym everyday this week. Even the days I have to work 14 hours. I still went to the gym! I hope to continue this. I still have to tackle my eating habits. One step at a time. Thu, 10 May 2012 23:29:20 EST What I am doing right! My last entry was so negative. I was really having a tough day. Today I'm going to try for something more positive. I went to the gym this morning. 20 minutes on the elliptical I was actually feeling quite good. After 30 minutes I did some weight lifting. Then I went on to work feeling good that I had gone and exercised first. I went to lunch with my boss and ordered a salad with my sandwich instead of fries. I'm going to the store with a friend tonight, she is going to help me fi... Mon, 7 May 2012 21:06:19 EST What am I doing wrong? I stop and start and stop and start and stop and start again. I gain and lose and gain and lose. I can't find my inspiration. I know it felt good to run that 5k last year and lose twenty pounds and eat healthy. But it got to hard. I got depressed again. I got lonely. I got sick of having to work for everything. I am sick of feeling alone. I am sick of working and being a mom and feeling guilty for working out and feeling guilty for not working out. I am sick of being fat but am also... Sun, 6 May 2012 11:21:34 EST Forced myself to the Gym Because its time to start taking care of me. I feel good about it. Now I have to get to work! Fri, 20 Apr 2012 11:48:33 EST Did two days of exercise But not there yet with the eating. I have done two days of the couch to 5k, and it felt good to move again. However, I caved and bought a hamburger yesterday. Ate half of it, and then felt sick. Today my coworkers went to lunch, and I caved and went with them. One step at a time I guess. I am glad I exercised, better than nothing. I will just have to find more will power somewhere! Wed, 11 Apr 2012 20:52:56 EST Starting over again So the last few months have just been a roller coaster of emotions. Dealt with some personal issues, dealt with crippling depression, and then in the midst of everything, got a huge promotion at work. so have been trying to deal with that. It has been two months since I did any real exercise or tracking of food. That is changing today. I have decided to go back to the couch to 5k, start at the beginning, and redo it. I became so motivated last time in that process that I am hoping to bec... Mon, 9 Apr 2012 10:48:10 EST Day 2 Second day of March. There was a big snow storm yesterday, which did not help my depression. My eating was bad. Today is a new day. I got in a 15 minute walk. Not great, but better than what I have been doing for awhile now. I will just take it a day at a time, and do my best to build myself up again. I need to do this for me. I need to believe in myself. Fri, 2 Mar 2012 12:23:07 EST March It is going to be better. Yes, I still did not wake up and exercise, but I am going to make this month better. I have to for my own sanity! So a few goals, work with therapist to feel better about myself. Also try and get some kind of activity in, even if it is just a short walk. Avoid pitfalls like too much fast food. And finally, find things to enjoy in life!! Thu, 1 Mar 2012 10:07:22 EST Happy to see February Go. What an awful month. I am hoping for a much better March. Tomorrow needs to be a better day. :) Send your spark love for a better new beginning tomorrow. Wed, 29 Feb 2012 21:07:15 EST Really not sure any more I am not sure I can do this. I love the support of Spark People, but I have no real life support. I have tried to find some, but it is few and far between. I am having so many other life struggles right now, I feel like I am barely able to keep above water. I don't want to give up, but I am not sure how to keep going. Mon, 27 Feb 2012 10:41:48 EST Emotional Distress and Weight Loss I had a very rough couple of weeks, and dropped some weight even when not exercising. I apparently am not a huge emotional eater when emotions are as extreme as they were for me this little time in my life. Things are getting better, but lets face it, my life is pretty hard right now. I have not been online, I have not exercised, I have not tracked my food. I need to start over now. Here goes. One day at a time, one breath at a time. Fri, 24 Feb 2012 17:17:21 EST Figuring out the Emotions behind everything So, sometimes I get very frustrated with myself, because logically this should not be that hard. Eat less, move more. Eat more healthy foods. Avoid fatty foods. Why is this so hard? But then there are emotions behind it. As a kid, my parents would take us out to eat if we got good grades, and on our birthdays. Food was a reward. Food made me feel good, like I had accomplished something. Food continues to be my reward sometimes. Especially when I am mad about something, I eat. I str... Tue, 7 Feb 2012 10:16:24 EST Being my own counselor When I work with clients with addictions, I talk to them about how every day will be another day where they have to decide not to take drugs or get high or whatever. Well, now I know that every day I have to decide to eat healthy, I have to decide to get up and move, I have to decide to not let my difficulties control me. It is a difficult road, one that I had no idea would be so difficult. Tue, 31 Jan 2012 15:37:10 EST Continuing On So far it has been a pretty good week. One big splurg yesterday as my work meeting provided lunch and it was not very healthy. However, I have been tracking my calories and getting my workouts in. I am still dealing with some crappy people in my life who continue to disappoint me. It is hard to deal with that, but it actually has served as a reminder to put myself first, because in the end, I really need to rely on my own strength. It is good to have a support system, and people that you... Thu, 26 Jan 2012 09:57:54 EST moving forward So I am the type of person who really lets my personal problems affect my schedule and my exercise. I need to remember that when I do not do what is good for me, it is hurting me, and letting the haters be the winners. I need to do what is best for me. I need to remember what makes me happy. I need to be healthy for me. No matter what anyone else says or does. It is there problem, not mine!! I am a capable human being, and I can do this. Yes, I have failed in the past. However, every... Tue, 24 Jan 2012 10:44:51 EST Channeling my anger A lot happened this weekend, none of it good, and none of it exercise. Part of me is completely ready to throw the towel in again. But then the frustrating people in my life, they will have triumphed over me. I really am so frustrated with those in my life who are supposed to love me and be there fore me. In the end, they are not there for me. There are others, people here on spark, and others, who have been here for me, but those I thought I could count on most are slowly turning on me.... Mon, 23 Jan 2012 10:00:02 EST Incentives for losing weight Long ago I put together a list of things I could give myself as incentives for losing weight. They all involve money. My situation has changed. Money is not as easy to come by. We are trying hard to save, in case I decide to pursue my Phd. What are some good incentives that are not food, and that are free/cheap? I lost my two pounds this week, and was going to take myself to a movie, but now, I just am not sure that is the wisest course of action. I really hate money. But I do want t... Fri, 20 Jan 2012 10:12:34 EST The morning cloud a brief description of what it is like to deal with depression in the morning: <BR> I had set my alarm for 6:15 so I could go to the gym before work. My bag sits next to the bed, prepared for me to head out. I even sleep in my gym clothes, in order to not have the excuse for not getting out of bed. In the summer time, these tricks work just fine, and as my alarm goes off, I am out of bed and on my way. <BR> But this is not to be today. My alarm goes off, and I feel as if I can't face the ... Tue, 17 Jan 2012 11:16:41 EST Rough weekend, but I won't beat myself up for it I did not do great food wise. Had a family party and other situations where I pretty much screwed up on my diet. But I did exercise. So I am going to something different than before, and I am going to not beat myself up about it. I am going to just be happy that I am improving, and move on. I deserve to feel okay, and understand that once and awhile mistakes and side tracks are okay. I am not going to give up all my favorite foods. I just need to moderate some things. So there we have... Mon, 16 Jan 2012 14:36:44 EST Weekly Weigh in A couple of ladies in my neighborhood have decided to have a weight loss competition for January. Everyone donated 5 bucks. The person with the highest percentage of weight loss by the first Friday in February gets the pot. Because the scale can make me kind of obsessive, I am trying really hard to only weigh myself on that particular day. It was a rough week. Every morning I would wake up and think about jumping on the scale. I did resist. The biggest reason I wanted to resist is beca... Fri, 13 Jan 2012 10:44:37 EST Be More Positive That is what I need to help myself move forward. More positivity. I spend so much time being down on myself because of my weight. I need to remember the good things about myself. I am an intelligent and successful woman. I have a Master's degree, and a wonderful profession. I also get to teach college, something I enjoy way more than I ever thought I would. Over all, I am an extremely lucky individual. I need to stop thinking about my struggles. There are so many things that I am go... Thu, 12 Jan 2012 11:00:16 EST A Success! On my way home from work, my husband called and informed me that he had purchased KFC and Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I had a long day, did not work out, and still had to teach my Master's Course in a couple of hours. So I was about to resign and say screw this counting crap. And then I decided okay, if I ate the chicken, made some veggies for a side, and had one doughnut, what would that do? I looked up the calories, and it was still within my daily allowance. I then figured with the time I ... Wed, 11 Jan 2012 20:52:52 EST Late Night Mistake Driving home from teaching my class last night, I was craving things I did not need, and gave in. Went way over my calories because of it. I chose to track it and move on. It was my one indulgence of the week. I have been careful every other day, and have exercised each day. As I ate it, it tasted very good at first, but left me feeling bad and unsatisfied. I need to figure out some snacks to keep in my car, or other things to distract me on these late night drives past fast food places... Tue, 10 Jan 2012 13:37:18 EST Do the little things really add up? Every once and awhile I have an extremely busy week. This week is one of those weeks. Plus with my depression issues, getting up to work out in the morning is not happening. I am able to get in a half hour workout at work, but it has to be low impact, because I can't get too sweaty. I can also do ten minute things here and there. None of it is nearly as good as when I have a full workout where I truly break a sweat. Sometimes I tell myself it is not worth it, or a waste of time. Is it r... Mon, 9 Jan 2012 12:57:57 EST Food as Fuel People keep telling me this. Learn to look at food as fuel for your body. Logically, it makes sense. And doing so would definitely help me on my journey. However, I run into cognitive dissonance with this, because I like food. I like good, tasty food. I like fancy dinners, I like fast food, and I like everything in between. Yes, sometimes I turn to food for comfort, and often I overeat. But there are times that I just really like to taste really good food. So how do we balance such t... Fri, 6 Jan 2012 14:36:37 EST Things are looking up, slightly. Yesterday was a good day. Ate well, got my workouts in. This morning I slept in again, but have a plan to work out in the evening. I have a lot of meetings today, but have healthy food choices available to me. I am trying my hardest, and will continue to do so. <BR> Thank you to all of you who offer me encouraging advice. It has been so nice to feel that I have a support system online. Thu, 5 Jan 2012 10:55:57 EST Times are Tough Times really are tough right now for me. They shouldn't be, but they are. I am not sure why this is so hard. I have done some really challenging things in my life. Why can't I lose weight? Why can't I say no to bad for me food? Why can't I just figure out why these issues haunt me? I could have eaten well yesterday, I could have made appropriate food choices. I did not. I really do not know how much more I can handle. I keep waiting for my aha moment. I thought I had it last year, ... Wed, 4 Jan 2012 13:51:15 EST 2012 And I already have only worked out one day this year! However, I have kept within my calorie intake. I have to teach a Psychology class tonight, and I slept in after a rough emotional day Monday. Oh well, tomorrow is another day. Maybe I will take a walk during class break. Tue, 3 Jan 2012 17:39:47 EST Zumba So I went to a Zumba class. It was a lot of fun, however I felt like an awkward teenager. I am pretty sure my body was not made to move that way. I could tell it was a really good work out, but yeah. It was my second time going, and I still felt just as silly. Fri, 30 Dec 2011 10:29:51 EST Typical Morning "BEEPBEEPBEEEP" "What? What is that?" I moan to myself. "Oh, my alarm." The rest of the house is still asleep. Husband has work from home lucky guy. Oldest daughter doesn't go to preschool until 11am. "Why me?" I look at my alarm and decide, yet again, to push my workout off until evening. Reset my alarm for an hour later. Hour passes, I continue to hit snooze. Finally get out of bed with enough time to rush to work. Luckily this week I had made a crockpot breakfast casserole so a... Thu, 29 Dec 2011 10:32:50 EST Being Good, yet feeling bad. Here is an example of how seasonal depression can get you really down. I have every reason to feel good about yesterday and this morning. I have eaten very well. Instead of laying around doing nothing last night, I took my five year old to the indoor pool, and we had a great time! I made a healthy breakfast casserole in the crockpot, so I woke up to a good breakfast already prepared. I had every intention of going to the gym, however my alarm was not set correctly. So instead, I did a wo... Wed, 28 Dec 2011 10:12:01 EST Its Almost a New Year! 2011 was not at all what I hoped it would be. I battled depression, adjusted to a new baby, and generally struggled with life. Here is hoping that 2012 is better. I am going to start today, even though it is not the new year yet. I know from what I experienced this last year that I am generally happier and struggle less when I am exercising and eating well. I am going to make some changes including saving for travel instead of spending. I also am trying to make changes in my cooking and... Tue, 27 Dec 2011 13:32:39 EST Merry Christmas Merry Christmas Spark Friends. This has been a rough year, but I have been so grateful to have my spark people outlet. Here is to a new and better year! Sat, 24 Dec 2011 10:19:57 EST I have decided to enjoy the holidays I am trying my best to remove the depression funk. I think I will just enjoy the next four days. Enjoy being with friends and family. Get up and move around, sing and dance, enjoy my life. I will enjoy good food, but try and focus more on the part of being with the people I love. I hope all of you also have a fabulous holiday!! Thu, 22 Dec 2011 10:59:16 EST Vacation and Motivation I had the most lovely vacation this weekend. I went to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, and enjoyed the warmth and the sunlight before coming back to the dark and the cold. As I was there I remembered how much I truly enjoy vacation, and seeing different places. Then I thought about all the unnecessary money I spend on fast food. Its not good for me, and its money I do not need to spend. I am going to try and motivate myself to put money in the bank instead of spending it on food. That way, per... Mon, 19 Dec 2011 10:07:18 EST I am still here But getting out of bed is still hard. Luckily, tomorrow I leave for 4 days in Mexico! I am hoping the sun will help. I really want to be happy for Christmas, not struggling to get out of bed. I did get my therapy light, but I have been working 12 hour days, so I have had little time to use it. Exercise has been okay, but eating is still a struggle. One step at a time, one day at a time. Wed, 14 Dec 2011 12:27:21 EST Made it to the pool Had the biggest argument with myself this morning. In my area we do this thing called Bountiful Baskets, where we get fresh fruits and veggies at discount prices. So every Saturday morning I force myself out of bed, because I can't afford to feed my family otherwise. However I usually come back home and lay around. Today as I was driving back home I kept telling myself, go to the gym or the pool for water aerobics. I fought with myself the whole way home, and the whole time putting the g... Sun, 11 Dec 2011 00:30:26 EST Exercised yesterday It was a very low impact workout video, but I did it for a whole hour. Its embarrassing to think that a few months ago I was running a 5k, and now I am celebrating moving at all! Oh well, this is reality right now. I need to be proud of each step I take. I am trying the best that I possibly can. I am going to work every day, and yesterday I did work out. I had hoped to get out of bed early this morning to work out, but mornings really are the worst for me. So I am going to be glad I d... Fri, 9 Dec 2011 10:04:44 EST Embarrassed by my eating I told myself that I should track my food, if nothing else this week. I am so embarrassed. Yesterday I ate almost 1000 calories more than I should have!! My doctor told me that craving carbs is part of seasonal depression. My doctor gave me something to help me sleep, and wants me to do light therapy, but I have to wait a few days to get the lights through my insurance. So I am trying. Did not exercise at all yesterday, but today is a new day. Here at work, next time I get a break, I ... Thu, 8 Dec 2011 10:24:26 EST Adjusting I still can't get out of bed. I am barely making it to work on time. Yesterday I was not great with my eating either. But, I did one of coach nicole's 10 minute video's at work. And then as I was laying on the couch watching the people on the biggest loser run a marathon, I thought, so I can't go outside, I can move here. So I got up and did my walk/run combo's. Probably not as fast as if I were outside, but I moved. I got up and I moved. Today is a new day. Its cold, and here in U... Wed, 7 Dec 2011 10:00:56 EST Seasonal Depression Turns out I really do have seasonal depression. Things have been so much harder these last few months than they were in the spring and summer, and I could not figure out why. I was getting so frustrated with myself, but I could not (can not!) get out of bed. I gained back all my weight, and am really down. At least now I know why, and what happened. I need ideas on how to get started back up again. Ways to manage this. I am pretty positive waking early is not going to work this time.... Tue, 6 Dec 2011 10:47:50 EST