SBFT84's SparkPeople Blog SBFT84's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Rather embarrassed The silly Sparkers keep posting my weight up and downs, so when I keep losing the same pound I had gained - I get kudos for it! I guess it is better than gaining five or ten pounds, but still... I am so up And down on the scale, and then read about others doing the same as I, and I don't feel lost or misfit. The magic has finally hit me, food is an issue as long as I make it an issue. If I just focus on health and small portions of what is available, I feel better. I like all foods, so I cha... Sun, 1 Feb 2015 03:00:07 EST Unrealistic Expectations I had a slow awakening as to why I had lost my motivation. It was inside my head, but I refused to listen to it. I was losing weight, feeling great, crossing my legs, walking pain free, joyfully buying smaller clothes... And in the back of my head was a small voice lamenting the loose skin flapping under my chin. The ugly voice pointing out the sagging skin on my neck each time I wore a necklace that was not pendant length. I was losing weight, but my physical expectations were not being met.... Tue, 19 Nov 2013 16:47:33 EST Quietly Binging NO MORE! Going Public.. Enough of the shame and guilt. Hiding out after everyone has gone to sleep, eating junk food is not making me happy, so why don't I just stop? It must be serving some purpose as I keep doing it. Sidelining my weight loss goals and causing my feet and back to ache as the pounds get eaten back onto my body. I need to focus on a new future of pain free walking rather than letting the scale dictate my progress. I will make my goals of healthy eating have a future of crossing my legs, rather t... Sun, 10 Nov 2013 03:40:41 EST Fall down six, get up seven... But it hurts It sounds so empowering to say fall down six get up seven. But nobody says how much it actually hurts. In the past, I would fall down and I would enjoy the fall and stay down for the longest time until shame and sadness and anger and other negative emotions decided me to get back up and continue my health and weight journey problem. My weight has always been a problem. I was about eight years old when I started gaining weight and it has been up-and-down ever since . I was in weight watchers b... Fri, 11 Oct 2013 17:24:33 EST My Diseased Voice I stole that phrase from a sparker who replied to a blog I follow ! It hit home, as no other. Since my divorce with Shifty, my binge buddy, (he called me last night and AGAIN tonight), I have been keeping a rein on my food and logging each bite and swallow as my life does depend on it. I want to get rid of the fat I re-gained this year, and also find some health... Both mental and physical. I can do the physical part, but the mental aspects are deep in addictive habits and unhealthy beli... Thu, 10 Oct 2013 03:36:06 EST Change in habits. It was a wake up call like no other. I have been searching for motivation all year , trying to find the enthusiasm I used to have for eating lean and healthy. I saw my spark friends losing pounds, running races, doing marathons, upgrading sports equipment - while I was wallowing with ice cream and sweets. My stomach hated being empty and I was happy to keep it full into the wee hours of the morning. Then, things started to fall apart. My spark friends started to lose focus. They lost the... Wed, 9 Oct 2013 13:31:43 EST Closet Eating Wake-Up I was reading a blog about closet eating and it hit me straight in the heart. The gist is: I have been a sneak eater since childhood and the shame has been long, old and deep. I have been binging for almost my entire life and the habit is triggered by fear and shame, which produces more fear and shame that makes me want to eat more, binge more, deny more, hide more... The cycle feeds itself. Ha Ha! I can see the humor in the mess. Kinda like a pie fight in a movie, only this mess is my real... Fri, 4 Oct 2013 20:00:39 EST Blog the RAGE, Don't feed it OK. I have just finished sending off and emotional e-mail to my insurance carrier, who has lost our papers and is threatening to raise our rates and reduce our coverage if they can not locate the information, which includes health screenings. UUUURRRRGGGG!!! This kind of crap just stresses me out! I have a horrible time sleeping while all of these bits get sorted out. I have a constant level of anxiety that makes me edgy and cross. I grind my teeth and clench my jaws so tightly that my ... Tue, 30 Apr 2013 04:26:11 EST Being the Alpha Female I was able to cut my calories from 3,545 on Tuesday , to 1454 for Thursday . I am kicking MORE MONSTER butt by tapping into my feminine control issues. If I can name it, I own it. Now that I acknowledge I have been sharing body space with a demon craving more of everything and adding more fat to MY body, I have found the ability to overpower the demon and make a stand for the possibility of my living lean and being trim. The future is looking good, and is finally beckoning to me, sparking m... Fri, 26 Apr 2013 04:59:25 EST Not a pattern of failure, but a pattern of perseverance I just stole this hopeful saying from another sparker, and it is the mantra for my new focus and faith. Beating the MORE Monster, and finding faith in myself . Trusting that I will not gain back all of the weight I worked so hard to take off of my tiny bones. Faith in the journey I am navigating towards health and fitness. Hope in my future, and cleaning out the emotional garbage that has contributed to my obsessive eating. I have hung on to sparkpeople with desperate hands, trolling the ... Thu, 25 Apr 2013 05:42:32 EST Ten pounds later If not for sparkpeople, it would have been 35 pounds gained, not ten... Before I was able to get some motivation back. I have gone through so much angst. I have been dealing with the external changes of weight loss and loss of invisible -ness. I have a hard time dealing with people asking me how much weight have I lost. I keep getting a rush of rage and defensiveness, thinking they really want to know just how fat was I ? Join sparks and find out,. Hah! They all ask , How? Sparkpeople... Sun, 14 Apr 2013 04:34:45 EST Teeter totter I was looking through my pics and I saw that I was three pounds heavier today than I was in August! I am stunned! It is as if I have been doing nothing. I was then mulling over the fact that there were a lot of responses to the Done Girls who were returning to SP after regaining the weight they had lost months or years ago, and I gave myself a pat on the back for staying here and working on my goal of getting a healthier lifestyle and fitting into clothes sized in the single digits. I am t... Thu, 17 Jan 2013 04:33:11 EST Half Way There, but in a New beginning. Thirty Five pounds of fat burned off of this body, with 35 pounds of ugly fat to delete. I feel better. I hated myself at 201, and finally did something when the scale shot to 209! I have been fat for so long, with periods of thinner but never skinny. I worked hard to lose weight, but 15 pounds found me after Christmas, and I was hating myself for letting that happen. I read all of the Sparks' blogs and articles, and finally something clicked inside of my mind. I transformed the idea th... Sun, 15 Jul 2012 02:53:54 EST Change the Home Fire Cooking My husband has been trained to feed me treats to make me happy. He still wants to feed me treats to make me happy. I had to change my response from happy for the treat, to happy for the love- nix the treat. We had a LOT of conversations about this subject, as he fell back into old habits of treating and I fell into old habits of being happy. We are all like Pavlov's dogs. We are trained to food. Actions speak louder than words. Everyone resists change because of fear, so I needed to ta... Sun, 8 Jul 2012 01:08:40 EST Compliments Do Not Help Me When people notice my weight loss, it throws me for a loop. I am my worst saboteur and in the past I would jump at the chance to overeat 'cuz, " I look so much thinner. " My scale was more like a trampoline, with me gaining and losing the same 15-20 pounds, year after year. That, later on, became a new topic of toxic friends, and toxic thinking. (sp articles) . Losing weight is not an excuse to over eat. losing weight is not an all year pass to eat everything my eyes could see and my ha... Wed, 20 Jun 2012 03:38:08 EST Keep Burning off the Fat It has been very hard for me to love myself, because I have been so fat, for so long, that I have hated and despised myself for allowing me to do this to myself. I am the blame for my weight gain. I am the blame for my overeating. It took a long time for me to acknowledge the hate and anger I had for myself. I would see myself in pictures, and then I would go back to dieting, until I started to look and feel better- then BAMM! Back on with the fat and out of control eating. When I starte... Tue, 19 Jun 2012 02:59:40 EST Being Honest I deleted my Spark trophy for 15 pounds lost, as I have gained back some of the weight, and I will hold myself accountable to the truth. I log in all food that I eat, even going back a few days to catch up. I am so glad that I have the tools here in SP to do so, and FOR FREE! I used to pay big bucks @ WW for the privilege to do so, and I am so happy to be here- Learning, sharing, and holding myself accountable to my goals and visions of a lean life. When the weight loss is true, I will, a... Sat, 19 May 2012 04:12:26 EST Another Change! I am changing my internal dialogue from negative to positive. I will no longer focus on the things I am "giving up", as I am not giving them up- I am quitting! I will no longer mourn the sweets or fatty foods that have made me fat- they are not my friends. They are not to be mourned, as they are all around me, so how can they be missed? My mouth is not to be trusted in making my food choices, (it has always opted for the sweet and fat), so I will use my eyes and brain to feed and supply my... Tue, 15 May 2012 22:31:03 EST Do it Every day! I just read a blog where the advice was simple.... Track what you eat, get sweaty, and do it every day. This really hit home, because his blog was in your face honest. To get this fat, I had to over eat, binge as often as possible, be a huge lump on the couch or at the computer, and make horrid food choices Every Day.... So, to undo the damage, I will need to stop overeating, stop binging, move my heavy body, and make better food choices. Why do I think I will miss the negative eating hab... Tue, 31 Jan 2012 04:24:25 EST The Party's Over; Get back to WORK! We had a wonderful celebration that started in October... and I was still celebrating up till today!!! It was so fun to get the compliments from family on my recent weight loss, and to eat smaller portions with my sister- sharing entrees and snacks. I have done so much sharing that I am off track from my goals, and needed to re-set my time line. I was so upset when I saw I had fallen behind on the graph. I was so busy celebration my 20 lb weight loss, that I added a few pounds to the scal... Mon, 28 Nov 2011 21:21:24 EST pLAYING gAMES sO sOoN ? I want my weight graph to only show progress, so when my weight went down to 193.4, I didn't post it, as I knew I was going to Vegas for four days and my weight would go up a few pounds. I am now thinking about my behaviours, and this is one of my hiding habits. Denying the loss/gain as if it never happened. I need to be more accountable for my actions, if only to myself. No one looks at my weight chart except me, so here I am, lying to myself. I do not like this about myself, and I need... Wed, 13 Jul 2011 23:42:27 EST Independence Day Tomorrow we will be celebrating Independence Day, and I will now declare my own Independence: from people who talk me down, from family who mistreat me, from from negative thinking, (it's not all external), from negative habits, from unhealthy eating, from using fat as a buffer, from using fat as an excuse not to do, go or deserve better, from fear. I will be free to be the best and happiest person i can be, and I will be free from others' opinions of me. I will now be the judge of mysel... Mon, 4 Jul 2011 03:55:10 EST Only One Pound I read this in a blog, and I fell in love with this motto. Only one pound puts my focus on an easy goal, as I can lose Only one pound! That is always my mind set, every time I get on the scale. It is easy to do so, as that is what I always said when the scale just kept going up- oh, it's only one pound! I am using these same words to undo the damage, and only one pound a week will be 52 pounds a year from today! This gives me such a boost- and it came from my sparkpage people! You all a... Mon, 27 Jun 2011 02:11:41 EST It is getting better I am starting to get excited about this change in my life. I was feeling like a failure because of my fat, but I am seeing I am not alone and it feels good to be part of the teams I have joined. The teams are easy and inspiring. I feel good today, and I haven't felt good in a long time. Thank you spark people . Tue, 7 Jun 2011 22:47:58 EST Getting Started I am confused, and lost working the web site thus far. I am unable to synch my ipad with my computer, and I don't want to copy each entry over into the computer each night. Otherwise, I am very excited and motivated to make this work for me! For Me. Mon, 6 Jun 2011 02:43:47 EST Day ONE, meeting new goals... Got my friend Salina started in sparkpeople, so I have a buddy.... Like that was a goal?!? I now need to find her in sparks- good luck on that one! I am keeping track of my food, so it is going well. I hope to keep at it when I go home. Home is where the food is.. Sun, 5 Jun 2011 23:07:15 EST