SARANICOLE1's SparkPeople Blog SARANICOLE1's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community The Time Is...Now I got some good advice from another fellow sparker. About not spending all this time making promises to change and feeling like a failure if you fall off the wagon. <BR> <BR> I think I need to change my attitude. I'm letting the pressure and stress of my wedding and need to lose weight ruin me. It's completely swallowing me up and i'm swallowing as much of my stress as i have been able to get my hands on. It's been awful how i've treated my body. <BR> <BR> I've decided that I'm really going... Mon, 27 Feb 2012 17:34:17 EST Am I a failure? I thought that I was exempt from the list of those women who try to lose weight for their wedding and fail. I was foolish enough to think that because I had already lost 90 lbs, that I could keep it up. I had no idea the kind of stress weddings put on a person. <BR> <BR> It's not just the planning of a wedding that's stressful. Yes, it is stressful. What I mean is that it isn't only that. What they don't tell you is that life goes on. Work and life keep moving on while you're planning. It's... Thu, 23 Feb 2012 09:43:30 EST Scared and Strong Have you ever been afraid to come back to Spark? Or actually afraid to write a blog? <BR> <BR> I can honestly say that I'm afraid to write this blog. I looked back at my last few blogs and I talk about these huge comebacks. I'm just afraid...that if I say things like that...that I'll let myself and the rest of my sparkling sparkers down. I don't want to be the boy who cried wolf or a hypocrite. I don't want people to stop believing in me if i keep saying i'll try..and then keep failing...But... Wed, 4 Jan 2012 09:41:46 EST Skinny For Wedding Part 2 Well, I began this thing feeling so very strong. But as my stomach issues continued I slipped and lost my way. All the pills/procedures/surgeries haven't seemed to help. Well, i'm losing precious time to get ready for the wedding so i'm just going to have to push through it the best i can. <BR> <BR> Two days ago I rededicated myself to this. I know that being as close to my goal weight as I can get for the wedding is something i want more than anything. I'm working to try and take more proa... Fri, 26 Aug 2011 09:49:39 EST Skinny for...WEDDING! Well, Matt had me fooled the whole time. We were never going to go to Disney. He had always planned to propose to me on our 4 year anniversary - 7/7/11. I was sooo completely surprised when he did it. He talked about doing it in the next couple of years - not quite this soon. <BR> <BR> All day at work i was really excited, but at work it was kind of stressful because our Air Conditioner broke. We ended up leaving at lunch to go home and remote into our computers at work for the rest of th... Fri, 15 Jul 2011 07:46:22 EST Skinny for Disney I've got a new game plan...and new way to try and get my butt back in gear. I feel better starting this time than I have in the past. I feel more confident this time around. Matt and I have planned a trip to Disney World for next year. Though, here's the catch...we have to lose the weight before we go. I think we're either going in May or September. We haven't fully decided yet. <BR> <BR> We are saving up for this trip since it's a big expense. In fact, this past weekend we opened up our ... Wed, 29 Jun 2011 09:44:55 EST The Rededication I know I've written many blogs about being back and on track- then I fall off. Well this time I really mean it. Those blogs before, were more or less me trying to convince myself that i'm back. But now I firmly believe that i am. I'm counting calories and working out as before. It's been months since i've been this dedicated and I'm only on day three. I call this "hell week" that first week when you get back to being serious about weight loss. Oh's pain. After working out two nights... Wed, 23 Mar 2011 09:38:02 EST Back to the Future Lately I've been feeling sorry for myself. That's hard for me to admit, but it's true. Yes I've had health issues, but I've probably been making them worse by eating junk and refusing to even walk as part of a work out. There are many things I could have been doing to try and help maintain while my doctors figure out what is wrong with me. Instead, I told myself that it didn't matter and I was going to do exactly what I wanted to do. <BR> <BR> I told my boyfriend Matt that I didn't want to ... Tue, 1 Mar 2011 10:47:46 EST Sorry These days hope seems harder and harder to find. I try so hard each day to be strong and to believe that they can find what's wrong with me, but the more I research online and the more days past with pain...the more hopelessness creeps into my heart. <BR> <BR> Everyday it hurts now. Everyday I'm in pain with these stomach issues. I went to a doctor last week and he said that maybe it was just over acid production in my stomach. He gave me something of a band-aid over a bullet hole and presc... Wed, 12 Jan 2011 10:19:08 EST H2O So I understand that the body is mostly made out of water, and that the body needs this water to perform basic cellular functions. I know what great benefits it can bring to the body and skin by having enough. What I don't know is how I can make myself get the recommended amount. It sounds crazy to me. <BR> <BR> I see those jocks running around with milk jugs full of water, or refilling bottles all day long. I mean, it just seems like I would be permanently glued to a bottle of water to get ... Wed, 5 Jan 2011 13:21:54 EST Happy It's definitely time for a happy blog. I don't care if all those things I said in my last blog still feel true to me. I am going to sit down and write this blog about the good things going on right now. <BR> <BR> Well, I'm excited to be going home for Christmas. I'm pretty nervous about how the weather will hold up since winters can be pretty brutal in Iowa...but I'm excited to see my friends and family. I am also going to meeting my first niece for the first time. I only have one brother an... Thu, 9 Dec 2010 09:52:52 EST Fears, Worries, Confessions I have a confession to make. I injured myself working out last night, and it's my fault. My leg gave out on the elliptical and it fell between the machine bar and the moving bars and crunched my ankle and skinned my calf. I was just pushing too hard...too dang hard.... <BR> <BR> I don't want anyone to think I'm contradicting myself, or that I'm a hypocrite. I know I write blogs about forgiveness and patience and feeling proud of ones own accomplishments. I suppose part of that is so that i ... Tue, 30 Nov 2010 11:34:08 EST Setbacks: Forgiveness This week I have jumped back on that proverbial wagon. I feel really excited and anxious to finish this, and also a little scared. It seems like everytime I get back on this journey something pulls me back. <BR> <BR> I keep having all these setbacks that are really frustrating me. First it was my mom and aunt coming to visit, then it was my gallbladder acting up and needing to be removed, and then I went back and forth between seasonal illnesses. Grr! But...that's life, right? <BR> <BR> Do... Tue, 9 Nov 2010 12:49:23 EST Day 1: Back on Track So, after having my gallbladder removed I think i am doing a ton better! I haven't had pain eating and yesterday i had my post-op appointment with my surgeon and she cleared me to work out. So after I got home from seeing her I went for a jog. It felt great. Okay...i felt sore..but it felt great to get back out there! <BR> <BR> I am so excited to get back at this and finish what i started. I know i have all the resources and all the motivation to do this. I'm going to finish this and finish ... Wed, 20 Oct 2010 10:13:23 EST Health Update So, i've been a complete mess lately. I've been in and out of doctor offices and hospitals for days now. turns out that me getting healthy might be the culprit. <BR> <BR> I've been having trouble, and i've blogged about this before, with horrible stomach pains after jogging on a treadmill or outside over the last 6 months. In fact, i had to stop jogging altogether..because each time i did i would be sick with stomach pains for 3 days. I started using the elliptical and could work out... Wed, 15 Sep 2010 13:59:43 EST Comeback Kid I'll be the first to admit this....I've been feeling sorry for myself lately. I've been giving myself excuses to fail, and crying to my boyfriend for comfort. <BR> <BR> I needed to break that cycle now and get my butt back in the game. So although working out hung over my head yesterday like a dark cloud..and when i got home i swore i wouldn't go. I put on my workout gear and went to the gym. It was later than usual so i was already tired, but that was my own fault for not getting on it rig... Thu, 9 Sep 2010 09:33:18 EST Food Addiction This is Sara and I have an addiction to food. <BR> <BR> I know I have issues with food. I have an Addiction to food. Sure, i can get enough motivation to get the gym..but saying no to impossible. How, you might ask, have i lost 80 lbs being addicted to food and unable to say no? Well...i guess i'm not entirely unable to say no. I just really really hate it! It puts me in physical nervous-breakdown pain when i try and stop myself from going to get ice cream..or running by the drive ... Wed, 1 Sep 2010 09:42:25 EST Putting It All Out There Everyday I shock myself. In a lot of good ways...and a lot of bad ways too. <BR> <BR> I amaze myself that i've come so far. Until the last year and half, the most weight i ever lost was 20 lbs. I was on some crappy Slim Fast diet and eat basically nothing. Not surprisingly, i gained it all the then more over the years. <BR> <BR> In one way or another i've been dieting all my life. I've been told I was fat by friends and family since around 4th grade when i started being the "chubby girl."... Fri, 27 Aug 2010 12:40:33 EST Three Simple Words : "You Look Great" When I got home last night I didn't feel like doing anything. Work drained me physically and emotionally, and I wanted to curl up in my soft sheets and squish my head into my fluffy pillow and nod off. I would have been thrilled to spend the whole evening eating dinner and watching tv in bed with Matt. All I wanted was one night to relax and enjoy myself. It's been a year and a half of working out 6 days a week..and I am exhausted to say the least. <BR> <BR> I put off going to the gym as lon... Fri, 30 Jul 2010 11:14:08 EST Happy I am Happy today. So Happy I felt like sharing it in a blog. Too often I write about negative things, and as many of you have mentioned before, I should continue to also share the joys of this journey. <BR> <BR> Today I feel wonderful. This is the second day that I have felt that way. I feel myself becoming more confident and impactful in my job, my relationship and with my friends. <BR> <BR> I have been talking more to friends back home, and that has really helped a lot. Even if we don't ... Tue, 27 Jul 2010 10:18:06 EST Still Fighting When I was a little girl I used to watch Disney movies with their princesses and princes with remarkable love stories. Much like many other little girls, I grew to believe that there was someone for everyone, and that happily ever afters were easily attainable. <BR> <BR> I also knew that you had to thin and beautiful for that to be a reality. So at an age so young I can no longer remember it, I decided that all I needed to find true love and be happy was to be thin and beautiful too. <BR> ... Wed, 30 Jun 2010 17:21:58 EST It Feels Like Flying Alright, so I left Spark People for about a month..well, let's be honest..I've been emotionally gone for two months. Then, toward the end of it my Mom and aunt came for a visit down here to see me. Then I really gave up. I let myself have all these things that i knew would ruin my diet. I had stopped working out..and taking care of myself. You know what I got out of that experience? 6 lbs and a pile of guilt. <BR> <BR> It wasn't restful or relaxing like I thought it would be. It was nice not... Fri, 11 Jun 2010 09:37:44 EST Promises I've made a lot of promises in my lifetime to lots of different people. I always keep my word and my promises to them, but the one person i have trouble keeping my promise to is myself. <BR> <BR> I struggle to do what is best for me, and I find myself just doing what is easiest for me. <BR> <BR> I've said it before and I'll say it again, losing weight the RIGHT way is very hard. It's not just about working out and eatting healthy (like a lot of people say). It's a complete attitude adjustm... Wed, 2 Jun 2010 10:22:19 EST Yo Yo You know, stress can really do a person in. So can holidays and birthdays. Put it all together and you're bound to make some bad decisions. <BR> <BR> I thought i had trained myself not to think of food as a reward, or as something i deserved for being good. Somehow, i still take so much pleasure in eating the things i'm not supposed to. <BR> <BR> This week I have felt depressed for lots of reasons. Health reasons..relationship reasons. Lots of little things have just begun t... Fri, 7 May 2010 09:28:59 EST I'm Back I want to start with an honest apology. I apologize to all my dear and cherished Spark Friends that i have been away lately. Even though i've been on here to track food and weigh in, i've really been neglecting the people that have helped me accomplish this huge goal. They are the reason i can do this, and I do feel badly that I've blown spark off. I love you all, and i couldn't have done this without you! I want you guys to know that I am still here...still kickin' and ready for more. I am ... Fri, 16 Apr 2010 10:24:17 EST 5 Things that Keep Me Motivated 1. When I get engaged, I'll be able to choose the wedding dress of my dreams, rather than the dress that fits. <BR> <BR> 2. Being healthy and live a long and happy life. <BR> <BR> 3. Looking good and gaining the confidence i need in all areas of my life. <BR> <BR> 4. I'll feel sexy and beautiful for my boyfriend/future husband. <BR> <BR> 5.It's accomplishing the ultimate goal. Wed, 3 Mar 2010 17:19:12 EST It's So Much More I'll admit, I've been hiding. It's been weeks since my last blog. <BR> <BR> I've been on this journey for nearly a year now, and sometimes it feels like it doesn't get any easier. Some days I feel on top of the world, and that I am capable of anything. Those days are amazing days, and I try to hold onto them as long as possible. Other days I want to throw my scale out the window, drive to McDonalds and stay at home in bed stuffing my face. I know that seems very sad or even pathetic. It's pr... Tue, 2 Mar 2010 10:17:54 EST Thank You I feel so so happy right now in this moment. It's been a few days since I wrote my previous blog, and yet there are still so many people- my current friends and new friends- who are showering me with neverending support and advice. I couldn't feel more blessed than i do today to have found this site, and to become involved in the support system available here. <BR> <BR> For all who have commented, I have taken all your suggestions and thoughts to heart. You guys are all wonderful, beautiful ... Wed, 10 Feb 2010 21:38:58 EST Losing Steam: When your best doesn't seem good enough Anxiety Update: I have been taking active steps to ease my anxiety, and it seems to be helping. I still have a long way to go, but i'm working on it each day. <BR> <BR> Besides the anxiety, though it may be part of it, there has been something else on my mind lately. A general loss of determination. <BR> <BR> The last week or so I have felt myself lose momentum. I find myself lying on the couch telling myself I need to go work out, and i just don't want to. I still do end up going, but it'... Mon, 8 Feb 2010 13:02:52 EST Body AND Mind Well, I'm just going to say it. I have a problem with chronic anxiety. I've had this problem all my life. Crazy fears, constant worrying, and overanalyzing have taken over my life. I'm a hypochondriact and have obsessive compulsions. It's gotten worse since i graduated college and moved to Texas- 900 miles away from my friends and family- with only my boyfriend to make me feel better when i'm upset. <BR> <BR> For as long as I can remember I have believed that "This is just the way I am," ... Tue, 2 Feb 2010 13:09:50 EST I'm in Onederland! Today is such a wonderful day! I am so happy right now that I can barely contain myself! <BR> <BR> Today is the day that I found out that I am under 200 lbs! I haven't been under 200 since high school. I know that it's still heavy..but goodness It feels good to be in the 100's again! I remember thinking to myself when i was this weight before...I'm not going to get on a scale anymore. I can't bare the idea of seeing myself over 200 i stopped weighing myself for years. Then when it ca... Mon, 25 Jan 2010 17:03:19 EST What a year...:) I never realized how much I accomplished in the past year until my friend pointed it out. <BR> <BR> Last year i took a leap of faith and moved to Texas to be with the man I love. I moved to take a chance at something that may never have worked out any other way. We are both from Iowa, but 3 weeks after we met he moved to Texas for school. It was already planned before i left, and he never realized we would fall in love after he was gone. <BR> <BR> Before I met him my life was a mess and i ... Mon, 11 Jan 2010 14:46:26 EST Smiles for Miles It’s been awhile since I blogged so I wanted to update everyone on how I’m doing. <BR> Last time I wrote I mentioned how I never write about good things that are happened, or when I am feeling good. Some of you mentioned that I should definitely start doing that. <BR> <BR> I am not a person who gives myself credit very often. I’m not even a person who loves or likes herself most of the time. The fact that I’m even doing this lifestyle change and being successful comes more from bullheaded... Fri, 18 Dec 2009 10:21:06 EST How to Love Myself at Every Weight? I wish I wrote more about the days that I felt good. I wish I could tell everyone how wonderful it feels to step on the scale- my arch nemisis- and weigh less. Or how wonderful it feels to have lost 36 lbs already. Still, everytime I blog I find myself expressing fears and downfalls more. I suppose it's just easier for me to communicate when I am upset than when i am excited. <BR> <BR> I've spent a good deal of my life, and i'm sure a lot of you can relate, having people and situations bring... Mon, 30 Nov 2009 14:15:11 EST 2 Fears First I want to say that I am so excited to be losing weight, accomplishing my goals, and getting my life back. I am so very thrilled about seeing the new me, and being able to do things I couldn't do before and wear things I couldn't before. I am extremely giddy about it! <BR> <BR> However, lately I have been dealing with these 2 fears. They aren't slowing down my progress, and they certainly aren't stopping me from reaching my goals...but they are nagging at the back of my mind. <BR> <B... Wed, 11 Nov 2009 16:09:54 EST Smile Keeping a smile on my face is pretty hard to do sometimes. I am the type of person who lets little things get to her too easily. I am working on this. <BR> <BR> So, this week..I am dedicated to keep smiling even when I don't think it's possible. I am working hard to change my outside, but I have TONS of work to do on the inside, and how i feel about myself. I already proved I can change the way I look, so now there has to be a way to change my own self perception. :) <BR> <BR> Anyway, my ... Mon, 2 Nov 2009 13:51:33 EST Hiding the Scale I feel completely liberated. I had my boyfriend hide the scale so that i only weigh myself once a week. <BR> <BR> I will admit, I was a victim of the weigh-yourself-everyday-multiple-times-a-d<BR>ay syndrome. <BR> <BR> I used to think that the number on the scale was the most important thing. In fact, I used to emotionally beat myself up if I didn't drop even a little bit of weight. The fact of the matter is that weight fluctuates...even during the day. Sure you weigh yourself naked the f... Thu, 22 Oct 2009 13:43:15 EST A Moment Response to my Status : <BR> <BR> I have been having trouble with cramps in my muscles and pain for the last few days. I attribute it to not drinking enough water and just the simple fact that i'm a big girl hoofing all this weight up and down. It's a fact pure and's harder for big girls to run. <BR> <BR> Sometimes i imagine myself holding 100lb weight and handing it to one of these skinny girls on the treadmill next to me...and saying "let's see you jog for 30 minutes with this... Fri, 16 Oct 2009 13:17:03 EST Staying Strong I know it's only been 3 days since i started back on my "life change" and started working out and eatting right. I decided it was time since i stopped maintaining and started gaining..ugh. Well, let's not look to the past...let's focus on the future. I may have gotten off track...but the important thing is that i am back. I can do this. We can all do this :) I'm serious this time! Thu, 8 Oct 2009 15:43:47 EST Vacation I just got back from Vacation and I had a great time. I have to say, I was not good to my diet. However, the day is now half over and i am already doing great! I can't wait to hit the gym tonight. I think i will take it easy since it's been awhile, but i feel confident that i will work up to running mile after mile the way i did before all this happened. thanks for all the support! We can do this. We CAN do this! :) Wed, 9 Sep 2009 11:28:04 EST Ice Cream Wishes... Goodness Summertime has the best foods. Ice dogs...popcorn..I won't even go on. Everything tastes wo wonderful and is so inviting. <BR> I'll be honest. I've been cheating. I've stopped working out and have been snacking on all these great summer treats. My meals are well portioned, which is the only thing stopping me from gaining all the weight i took off when i first started Spark. I have put on 4 lbs though. It' s devastating. <BR> Somehow i stuff my face and then sit around fe... Wed, 26 Aug 2009 11:03:14 EST Accountability You know what I always loved about Spark People? The level of accountability. Spark makes you accountable for the things you eat, and for how much you work out. I always feel so guilty when i don't track my food or work outs. I don't track because i know it's bad and i don't want to see those numbers in front of me. The reason is because i know those numbers will be bad, and i don't want to stair my downfalls in the face. So the solution? Set myself up to see lower numbers in the food section... Tue, 11 Aug 2009 10:01:55 EST Relapse I started Spark People when i found out that regular health insurance wouldn't take me due to my weight. At the time it was a slap in the face...a reality check. Spark people became a lifeline for me. My boyfriend started it and I started it..and i did great. I lost 20 lbs and I was still raring to go. When my parents came to visit i slipped. I had a relapse. I started eatting like crap and not working out. <BR> Then my cat died. I still continued my bad habits.. <BR> Then i moved into a new ... Fri, 24 Jul 2009 13:46:06 EST Plateau Blues I'm really tired...I had an exhausting week at work and with my diet. Yet i still haven't lost any weight. I'm trying so hard...and i've hit another plateau. I hate that it happens more than once..more than twice even. These days i could really use some support because it's just so hard not seeing the numbers move-even if you're gaining weight in muscle...i wanna hold up my fat pants so bad!!! Thu, 21 May 2009 22:16:43 EST It's gunna be a bright sun-shiny day I feel really good right now. For the first time, I finally understand what people mean about having a high after you exercise. <BR> I will tell ya, i have felt like crap the last couple of days. I talked to my best friend on the phone and my parents are coming to visit this weekend. I've been working so hard so that they can really tell a difference by the time they come see me, and so that I feel like my body is changing. <BR> I just feel great that i'm accomplishing my goals...and my drea... Tue, 12 May 2009 22:17:47 EST Lonely Today I feel a little lonely. I was in a long distance relationship for a really long time. So after I graduated college this past december I moved across the country and away from everything and everyone i've ever known to be with the man of my dreams. <BR> When he is around I feel wonderful...but days like today really bring me down. Not only is he working all day, but today is Mother's Day and I don't get to spend it with my mother. In fact, she is out with my brother because they live in... Sun, 10 May 2009 11:30:30 EST Losing Weight Dieting is a full time job. Whoops! I promised myself I would no longer call this a diet. This is a complete change in lifestyle. I am finally treating myself right and it feels really great. <BR> I will be honest..sometimes i feel like i'm never going to accomplish my goals. I could really use the support to get through this. If i can accomplish my goal of losing 100 will be the best thing that has ever happened me-besides my mother fighting and beating breast cancer. <BR> I real... Tue, 21 Apr 2009 22:32:51 EST Time for Change I just graduated college and I'm starting a new life. I got a new job and applied for an individual health insurance plan. I was denied because of my weight. I might as well have been given a death sentence. I cried for days after I found out that no health insurance plan would cover me. It's time to change my life, because if i don't...well i can't afford to know what might happen. Thu, 9 Apr 2009 20:40:05 EST