RUBYEMMA775's SparkPeople Blog RUBYEMMA775's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community This Is Not A Drill I arrived at work late for the third day in a row. I'm not penalized because I am always on time. Since my kids are out of school, I have more free time in the morning. I use too much of it and have missed opportunities to make better time management choices once I leave my bed. Money is tight and I am trying to save every penny I have. I'm looking for ways to make extra money. This new car has put a big dent in my budget, and I need to find some creative ways to stretch the next check. Ren... Fri, 19 Jun 2015 00:20:16 EST PCOS Won't Have Me I need to be accountable to myself. No one can fight this battle for me. No one is going to care about me better than me. No one can feel the need to fight and win more than me. I know that no man is an island, but I can't expect people to come in my life and stick with me when I can't see past my agony or lose motivation with the first setback. Eating a donut, having a piece of cake, eating really late may be my fault, but I can't keep looking for the cheering squad if I keep showing up to ... Thu, 18 Jun 2015 00:11:22 EST Destroying Myself Slowly Car is fixed, was full of fuel, it now needs a transmission flush. <BR> <BR> I am working at night, have a casual sex partner, and am destroying myself slowly with vendor machine food. <BR> <BR> Am trying to return to school to be a phlebotomist, it is not cheap, $2500. I need scholarship money ASAP. <BR> <BR> I would love to exercise again. I have tried to meet a couple of people on here to go walking at least. I am a fast walker. I know I do not post on here that often, but that is bec... Mon, 28 May 2012 23:19:56 EST Looking for a car in San Diego My car died on Wednesday. <BR> <BR> I am going to sell it for parts. <BR> <BR> I am willing to share a car and take you on errands if you are having difficulty driving in San Diego. <BR> <BR> I am not upset, just determined to get another car by the cheapest means possible. <BR> <BR> Any help would be appreciated, thanks. Fri, 23 Dec 2011 19:29:27 EST I love the rain I do not like the cold that comes with it though. <BR> <BR> I made it through another work day. I am not too sure if my feet will like another work day like today though. I was actually limping. I felt terrible. <BR> <BR> I am so sad about seeing the kids off this weekend. I wish I could have them for Christmas just once. It has been a while since I have had them. <BR> <BR> I did have them for Thanksgiving which does not usually happen. <BR> I lost 5 pounds. 115 to go...probably shou... Tue, 13 Dec 2011 01:06:18 EST Foot Pain -- OUCH!! Yes I am still walking through it like a dummy. <BR> <BR> If I had insurance, I could do something about it. <BR> <BR> I know I am doing something wrong by working out daily, but I am afraid to sit down. I think I will not get back up again like before. <BR> <BR> I REALLY need new shoes. I wish I had a friend who worked for Nike or Easy Spirit. Don't mind me, I will try to take better care of myself. <BR> <BR> I am in tears because my job gave me beds for myself and children. The Almi... Thu, 8 Dec 2011 14:31:37 EST Drafty Home I am taking charge of the situation. <BR> I am headed to the dollar store to get some nylons and baking soda so that I can make my own draft snakes for the patio, windows, and door. <BR> Doing great on exercising daily. I know I should probably slow down, but I figure I did not slow down when it came to my inactivity and gaining weight so no need to slow down that much to lose. <BR> I am seeing the changes I want to see and I am also watching what I eat. <BR> Sometimes I would much prefer to... Tue, 6 Dec 2011 19:39:22 EST Let the Goodies Challenge begin! I have a lot of points to spend and am looking forward to giving one new goodie to one new member per day :) <BR> <BR> I hope I can do it :) <BR> <BR> It was nice coming to work and finding gifts from coworkers on my desk. Made me feel good about people again :) <BR> <BR> I hope I get to exercise again tonight :) Working out in the morning is getting easier :) <BR> Yes I really am all smiles now! Thu, 1 Dec 2011 19:49:07 EST Adopted twice at work And it is causing such a big stink :( <BR> <BR> I think the reason for the season has been missed... <BR> <BR> I will be receiving gifts for my children and I this holiday season from work and from their after school program. It is the hardest thing to do to "choose" because there are others way less fortunate than I am. <BR> <BR> I am grateful to God for the generosity of course. :) <BR> <BR> Grateful for another moment to myself to exercise this morning. I look forward to trying aga... Tue, 29 Nov 2011 19:43:43 EST awesome day i walked by myself for an hour. <BR> <BR> took the kids to church, had potluck and did not overeat. <BR> <BR> took a snack to the park and played with them for 2 hours straight by playing basketball, frisbee, jump rope, soccer and a quick lap around the park. <BR> <BR> now trying to get them settled after a nice dinner and a failed movie night (DVD wouldn't play no matter how times I cleaned it). I called Blockbuster and they gave me three free movie rentals. I should have just taken t... Sun, 27 Nov 2011 01:40:29 EST Friend in the Mirror I need to talk to her more. <BR> <BR> She is so much more focused than before. I know she only has Jesus to thank for that:) <BR> <BR> His advice is always gentle and encouraging, and He is always there waiting to meet with her in the morning. <BR> <BR> Getting up just became a little more enjoyable, knowing that she is never alone. <BR> <BR> Awesome focus, girlie :) Fri, 25 Nov 2011 15:57:21 EST back to start again <BR> <BR> (blows raspberries at the scale this morning) <BR> <BR> lose some, gain some :( <BR> <BR> I can start over again today....YAY <BR> Wed, 16 Nov 2011 12:23:11 EST isolation I am really feeling it now. <BR> <BR> Sometimes shadows scare me. I find it difficult to look people in the eye. <BR> <BR> I sometimes have trouble completing thoughts. <BR> <BR> I feel sometimes incapable of having a complete thought. <BR> <BR> Prayer life is quite difficult, since I feel like I pray without any sense coming out of my mouth. <BR> <BR> Need to make friends in person, and soon, no more of this love long distance or internet friendship stuff. Tue, 15 Nov 2011 19:46:09 EST Aging I am not in that category. <BR> <BR> I would not, however, want to experiment with a drug that would kill any cells that would normally help me to age. <BR> <BR> I would hate to be accused by God with messing with His creation and fooling with His design. <BR> <BR> I don't know that I would want to look like I am still 22 at age 82 anyway. It just seems wrong somehow. <BR> <BR> I was reading one of the health new articles, that's what got me started on this. <BR> <BR> On a side note, wi... Wed, 2 Nov 2011 19:07:44 EST jump rope played jump rope with my daughter because she lost recess at school today. <BR> she does what i ask her to do. i wish she didn't have a mean teacher. <BR> i hope that my talk with the principal will bring a change in her or a change to another classroom if things don't get better. <BR> my daughter said she witnessed a substitute teacher getting in the kids' faces to yell at them to be quiet or to stop doing whatever it is they are doing. <BR> my daughter has enough to deal absent fa... Thu, 20 Oct 2011 01:36:53 EST feeling better i exercised again today. Not as long as i would have liked because i was pressed for time. <BR> it felt good though to make sure i put in the 30 minutes. i treated it like an appointment and will try to do some more in the morning. <BR> I used to be able to get up in the morning and go run. I find that because it is dark, i feel like i am taking a risk being alone out there and leaving my kids in the bed sleeping. <BR> my neighborhood isn't the greatest. <BR> i don't feel the despair that i... Wed, 19 Oct 2011 01:37:33 EST Worst Monday Ever the only thing I did right was exercise for 45 minutes. <BR> <BR> ran a red light. $480 gone <BR> <BR> my schedule for work only involves 3 days out of 24 possible days. <BR> <BR> job market is slim to none for my position. <BR> <BR> if second job doesn't come through, may have to turn to criminal activity to get by. (moonshine anyone?) <BR> <BR> Seriously, can it get any worse???? <BR> <BR> I wish I could go back to school on scholarship for a job as a respiratory therapist. I wish I... Tue, 18 Oct 2011 00:06:49 EST Been reading the motivation articles I have been reading the motivation resources section and taking in all the information from the articles under picking yourself back up section. <BR> <BR> Really helpful, since I am doing this by myself and need to figure out my inner motivation and what I should sound like when I am motivating myself. <BR> <BR> I feel less negative about the number on the scale and am okay with starting over with the weight tracker on my sparkpage. I am trying to think of a good time to weigh myself and p... Wed, 12 Oct 2011 16:43:35 EST Positive Affirmations I am a winner. <BR> I am a positive thinker. <BR> I know when to walk, run, and stop at the first sign of pain. <BR> I love my hair, my eyes, my smile, my laugh and my voice. <BR> I love my family both near and far. <BR> I recognize the need to take care of myself. Wed, 5 Oct 2011 17:48:55 EST fantasy vs reality My fantasy: it is week 6 and I have shattered my fitness streak and have reached a weight that is less than what I am now. Working out is a habit along with cooking all of my meals ahead of time. I have emergency snacks on hand in the car and in my lunch bag. The stairs at work are how I spend my lunch and 15 minute breaks. I have a fitness buddy at work. <BR> <BR> My reality: I am stil trying to get started. I am always imagining what a fit healthy me looks like and it always includes... Tue, 27 Sep 2011 01:50:52 EST Not gonna beat myself up ...because I did not start a challenge I signed up for. I have missed two weeks of it so far. <BR> <BR> I did not learn to swim, but I did conquer my fear of water. I plan on taking up swimming classes next year, no matter what it costs. Maybe next year I might qualify for a free class or two. <BR> <BR> I did not smash a bee that was in my house terrorizing me, because in the end, I realized it was a bee at the end of its life. It did not suffer at my hand because of my incredible fear... Thu, 1 Sep 2011 19:08:16 EST Awesome Weekend I did a lot of cleaning. I am nowhere near done. But I feel empowered to let things go. <BR> <BR> I am not a hoarder by any means. I have, however, not been as diligent with cleaning. I imagine it is because I never did have a plan of action. <BR> <BR> Enter the website FLYLADY! I have never felt so yanked up by the stilettos before! I feel like I have neglected my children by not helping them with sorting out their clutter. I do allow them one drawer in their room so that they can c... Sun, 21 Aug 2011 22:44:30 EST Conquering Fears I have a fear of falling asleep alone, bugs, and water. <BR> <BR> I went to my first swim class today since the age of four. When I was four, my mother took me to the ymca in the neighborhood. The teacher held my head under the water way before I was ready, and I was in hysterics, unable to continue. My mother did not bring me back. My father thought it would be way better to throw me into the Atlantic ocean instead and I would swim that way. More hysterics at age 6 and that was his onl... Thu, 18 Aug 2011 02:45:47 EST Tears Happen for me every 27 days because of my period. Here comes the migraine. I am tired of it. <BR> <BR> It makes me feel like I need to be in therapy, back on meds, hospitalized, dressed up in adult Huggies and a onesie trying to recapture a childhood and a young adulthood that is already lost. <BR> <BR> I hate feeling this vulnerable. I am also hating the fact that the people I care about and love the most are the very people who are causing me this pain. I sometimes absolutely DETEST my ... Wed, 17 Aug 2011 02:36:44 EST I lost five pounds by doing a slow jog 3 times last week I wasn't expecting to. I also walked 6 miles a couple of times, too. I thought surely I would do something wrong like overeat somewhere (notice I barely track my food). I often thought I would just throw in the towel and just give in to the almond joy calling me (even though I can't find it anywhere except at the grocery store, and I rarely go there except when it is busy right after lunch on the first and third Sunday of the month). I did decide I would try to do something each day. I d... Mon, 15 Aug 2011 20:06:30 EST The boss took my pic with his tablet I don't really know what to do with that. Everyone around here calls me his favorite and actually ask me to ask him things throughout the workday because they think he is a tyrant. He is actually a nice guy once you are talking with him one on one. <BR> I think some of my other coworkers are finding that out on their own, just wish more would take the initiative and do the same. <BR> Poor guy! <BR> <BR> I am halfway done with eating for the day and exercising, still have the evening to loo... Wed, 10 Aug 2011 17:09:49 EST Crazy Monday I actually said no to a coworker about doing flights of stairs. I have this new fear of them because the last time I did 6 floors 3 times in 15 minutes, I had trouble walking for 3 days. <BR> <BR> I would love to have shapely youthful calves but I do love walking, jogging, and dancing too. <BR> <BR> This is a Monday that I am thoroughly happy to see ending. <BR> <BR> I will be jogging later to get rid of some steam. I mean the phones here would not stop!!! Mon, 8 Aug 2011 19:35:54 EST One Year Since Last Blog I am supposed to start swim class today. Not sure if I will make it due to finances. <BR> <BR> I am back in Divorce Recovery support group. It made me face the fact that the divorce is still an issue because whenever the kids go to be with him, I find it hard to keep out the voice of critics who think I should be back in New York spending time with family, or dating, or back in the gym. <BR> <BR> I work out for free in the community by walking and jogging, using my Wii, Xbox Kinect, DV... Mon, 1 Aug 2011 14:01:07 EST s.h.i.t. (so happy its thursday) I am hoping to get a male weight loss partner. I have tried weight loss partners with females but once they see how hard I go at it, they don't want to work out with me anymore. I am pretty sure a guy would be motivating, because he is not going to be worried if I am going to look better than him in a mini skirt in Vegas. <BR> I was going to Vegas with a group of girls but the premise is to lose weight. No one wants to help me with some girl/exercise time, they just want me to come, and of... Thu, 19 Aug 2010 21:26:19 EST Tantalizing Tuesday Just wanted a funny title for this one. Grateful for all the comments I get, they make me reevaluate my day and strategize when I sneak a few exercise moves into my day. I don't know how my job turned into a desk job. It really isn't supposed to be. I have every right to move all day long without someone complaining about my absence somewhere. I am only one person and given how many tasks I have during the day, you should be grateful I even show up. Never mind all that. I am trying to ... Tue, 17 Aug 2010 17:02:22 EST This Monday isn't so bad I just wish I could have put in more exercise. I moved into a place that has no outlets. I guess I have to rely on memory of my workout dvds until the electrician can come in and do his thing. I will behave when it comes to eating though and not starve myself just because the stove isn't working yet. can't wait until payday to have my place smelling like home... Mon, 16 Aug 2010 16:49:40 EST Feeling Blah!!! I would love to have a lunch hour where I did not have to speak to anyone. I spend 8 hours five days a week speaking to people. sometimes I have absolutely had it and I could just use an hour of silence. Like this but 60 minutes long. It never happens!!! I guess that is what I get for saying hello. I think I will start bringing my Ipod with me on Monday, that way people will see the headphones and just get the hint...I really am unplugging from you right now!! Fri, 13 Aug 2010 16:39:34 EST Heavenly Father I praise you for being my God. I thank You for all that You are to me. Thank you for waking me up this morning. Thank You for helping me with moving. Help me be strong and finish with this move. Help me drive home. Help me finish the work day. Help me not to take things so personally and focus more on helping others like you want me to do. Thank you for opportunities you have coming my way. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen. Wed, 11 Aug 2010 16:56:26 EST Gratitude Thank you Father of Heaven and Earth and all that was created for the air I breathe. I am desperate for You. I need You today. Help me at work. Help me drive. Help me, for I am lost without You. Help me move. I cannot do it alone. I knew I couldn't but as I go through it I know I am lost without Your Holy presence as I move my family from one place to another. Help me get back on track with exercising. I love the results I saw, and look forward to more rewards to come with each day Yo... Tue, 10 Aug 2010 17:38:41 EST PLEASE PRAY FOR ME I need freedom from someone I met. I thought I could love this person. Then I saw him in daylight. I do not like what I see. At all. I do not like what he is doing. At all. I keep thinking he could treat me the same way someday. I also cannot stand the sight of him. I cringe inside. He is stalker like in his contacts (texting and calling repeatedly) I really cannot see myself with this person another second. I really want to be free of him. I have told him a couple of times that ... Wed, 4 Aug 2010 17:03:54 EST Feelin Good About losing weight, just wish I could feel good about everything else. I feel like a failure as a coworker, mother, friend, sister, daughter. So much work to do and I feel like I can only do one thing at a time these days. I use to be able to have so many things going on at once. Maybe I have slowed down a little. I have the move from NY to blame for that. When I lived there, it was too easy to have my hands in many cookies jars, figuratively ( I can't stand cookies, actually). I hav... Wed, 21 Jul 2010 17:14:42 EST My birthday I remember this time last year the world was mourning with the Jackson family as they buried their family member. this year it is rainy and my hometown is buried in heat. I hope i can enjoy some sunshine in this golden state today. it is quite strange to have a hot birthday and to be wishing for heat on your birthday. Maybe next year. in the meantime I am hoping that I can bring my kids home to enjoy new york with me. I would like to return slimmer so that I can see my first love again.... Wed, 7 Jul 2010 11:59:42 EST brothers I love my brothers. They, more than anyone else, made me who I am. My oldest brother and I used to wrestle while watching WWF on the weekend. Of course, I was always the bad guy who had all these weak moves, while my brother was always the hulk hogan type, here to save the wrestling world's day. My other older brother and I would always act out transformers and GI joe stuff, with me playing the decepticon/bad guy (again) and he would have some cool tag line to come in and stop my evil plo... Mon, 21 Jun 2010 16:28:23 EST sisters It is amazing to me that, after all these years, I still feel like I am getting to know my sisters. I have 2 who are older and one who is younger. My oldest sister and I have never met, but I wish we have. It seems like we have so much in common, like, if we were to be in the same room, that we would be comfortable in our own spaces while being comfortable with each other. My next oldest sister and I have lived together for just the teen years but we have never lost touch, except for that... Mon, 21 Jun 2010 16:22:34 EST Movin On I have come to the conclusion that I need to put a pause button on looking for a companion. I really need to be comfortable in my 3 feet of personal space. I was happy in my own space once. This abortion really killed something inside of me. It was due to a dangerous affair with a married man. I had accomplices, but in the end, it was all my fault. I took an inch, we both took a mile, no protection because his goals were a little different from mine. There was no clear communication be... Fri, 18 Jun 2010 11:53:26 EST Looking for a friend I am looking for a friend. I had one and blew it in a matter of days. I am still a little confused about being friends with men. It has to start off slow. I don't believe that I can mix drinks with men yet. I can do it with the girls just fine. I recently had an encounter with a true gentleman. I overreacted and missed an opportunity to be in a relationship that just involved respecting each other's space and boundaries. It was a valuable lesson. I needed to see this for myself and n... Thu, 17 Jun 2010 11:58:45 EST On my own Anyone having problems with orgasms? I have been achieving them on my own but would like to be able to reach them with someone I am dating right now. He is so sweet and wants to know that I am enjoying sex with him as much as I say I am. I try not to put too much pressure on myself while in the moment. I did tell him that I am eager to please and so much so that I think about that the whole time and never really let go until he gets there. All I can say is I know the ways I need to be t... Thu, 15 Apr 2010 16:44:06 EST I'm not changing I looked at my blog entries and realized that there isn't much growth going on. Seems like I still have the same old issues that may even circle around the same time of the year because of the seasons....WTF... I wish I could get back into something, anything again besides work and the kids. I have to find a bigger variety of people to talk to as well because I seem to be dealing with the same kinds of topics over and over again too. It may not even be all my fault, but I am playing a majo... Tue, 13 Apr 2010 15:43:26 EST Looking for a dangerous love affair One that involves sneaking around, heart racing, almost getting caught intimate moments. Not necessarily getting caught with pants on the ground, but maybe a shoulder hanging out of a blouse, button down shirt undone. I thought I found a few relationships like that, only to watch them fizzle out. I am aware that relationships take work, but passion, once found, can be ignited in many different important little ways. I know I am wrong to pursue the type of man who I am pursuing and would l... Wed, 7 Apr 2010 18:01:39 EST I may be better off working alone I thought I needed to work out with someone and be accountable to someone for my actions. Especially when it comes down to what I put in my mouth and when. I find that after one day of doing this, others have become quite irritated with me. I do not want to be an irritant in someone's life. I only wanted some type of support. This website, although thorough, doesn't do it for me in terms of tracking weight, nutrition and exercise because I simply don't have the time to do it daily. Mayb... Thu, 1 Apr 2010 14:48:57 EST Jumping to conclusions I am a chronic jump to conclusions type. For example, if you have not texted me after I have texted you, I immediately jump up and think that I have offended. Then I will take a step further to say that since I have offended, I must no longer be a good friend. Another step right behind that...the person just sucks morally and will never be a good friend. I now realize that I may have pushed everyone away with this mantra I have kept for so many years. It is sad to realize this so late, ... Wed, 31 Mar 2010 17:33:40 EST No more lies I am dating. It is not going as well as I thought. I have an issue with today's opposite sex. The whole purpose of dating, I thought, was to get to know a person from the inside out. In that definition I do not see where it says my clothes have to hit the floor. I make a concious (sp) effort to meet people where I would like to be seen or see someone on a regular basis. I do like to go to house parties/get togethers, the beach, church, library, grocery store, mall and the park. I reali... Tue, 30 Mar 2010 17:24:52 EST Fake friends I no longer want to be a fake friend. I do not believe in maintaining a friendship that hurts. If a person is doing something, saying something, or being something that doesn't fit with my agenda, that person would understand if I am not okay with it and should also be okay with continuing to be my friend if that is the intention. I am not in need of paparazzi friends, those with prying eyes just because you think my grass is greener. I don't want a mother hen friend, someone so quick to ... Tue, 30 Mar 2010 17:14:31 EST My weight journey I have never been so disappointed in myself in all my life. I have professed my love to someone who does not deserve it. I have placed things in my mouth that do not resemble real food. I have been up and down on the scale. I even watch my kids eat junk. I cannot remember the last time I was actually on my Wii system to even do a body test. I was on the right track and now I couldn't be more off. The only upside in my current life is that I have a job that allows me to be physical. I ... Sun, 23 Aug 2009 20:07:25 EST I am in Love! Again!! Not with food, for once. It is a man from my past who I never got to say goodbye to 20 years ago. I remember having conversations with him and one kiss, but nothing more. I kept thinking to myself he is too old for me and no one would approve. I still think this love we have would be judged. I picked up the phone and called him a month after he gave me his phone number. He said he wanted to hear my voice again. I called him about a rumor that someone circulated back in his home town ... Fri, 31 Jul 2009 03:31:21 EST