RHETORDAYNA's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=RHETORDAYNA RHETORDAYNA's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ Got on the scale. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6371811 It's been about six months since I began eating myself to death again from stress.i haven't weighed really in all that time. The scale was about as bad as I expected. But I feel courageous for even getting on the scale. At least I know the damage I was doing to myself. Little steps. I know facing it is often the hardest part so hooray for baby steps. My eating has been in the calorie range that's right for me and maybe now I can got another positive element humming along. Tue, 6 Jun 2017 20:50:49 EST Talking myself up to make a good choice. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6366939 So, it's afternoon. I had greek yogurt and protein shake this morning. It's time for lunch. I'm hungry and anxious. I have so many big project things I should do (mostly academic writing). I want to eat that stress away. It's really important I make a good decision right now. Fri, 26 May 2017 14:42:26 EST Seeing my food counselor tomorrow http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6365766 It seems there is good news to report over the last few weeks. I am slowly getting control again. No weight loss yet, but no gain either. There was/is just so many little layers to get through, choices to tweak, and things to know. I am not at my optimal zone of food choices yet, but I've made a lot of good ones and I seem to building up some less bad habits again. I resisted several emotional eating episodes, tracked okay, and seem to have adjusted very well to my new HIIT teacher. I kinda ... Tue, 23 May 2017 20:27:10 EST Avoided a huge emotional carb binge http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6365226 I went to a mammogram today and had to explain to a nurse why a plastic surgeon mutilated me. I wanted to eat a stick of sugar cane raw. Went for baked chicken instead. Still probably too big a portion, but in truth a lot less damage than I could do. Mon, 22 May 2017 14:18:06 EST Work out headspace http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6364360 So, at my previous gym there was this trainer that I adore. I'll call her Omega. Omega's workouts are the hardest at the gym. But it was always positive and capacity building and varied. She's amazing. And she brought me to that perfect exercise headspace where it's just you and her and the workout. Maybe "flow." Is the word. But today, after about an hour and 3/4s I got to that workout headspace at my "new" gym. Squee!💪 Sat, 20 May 2017 12:58:11 EST Tonight http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6359480 I tracked my food honestly today. I got a half hour of core work in at the gym. I've eaten "not entirely crazily" but it's night time and all I want to do is nosh. Mon, 8 May 2017 21:32:24 EST Yesterday http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6358343 Yesterday's food was less bad...until the fast food binge literally in the middle of the night. Why am I punishing myself? Sat, 6 May 2017 08:19:57 EST The truth of my own eating habits http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6357488 Being this real in my food log is excruciating. Thu, 4 May 2017 07:41:54 EST Gonna try tracking honestly today http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6356588 It's gonna be bad. Can I preemptively forgive myself on the name of a fresh start, a new time to try again? Tue, 2 May 2017 10:27:06 EST Scared by the tracker http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6355604 The food tracker popped up this morning. I realized I had made plans to eat badly later at a buffet brunch and so had let myself eat bad carbs for breakfast. I wasn't ready to tell my tracker the truth. I felt affronted by its implicit request, defensive, guilty and I am self aware enough to know that is a bunch of excuse making and lying to myself. I also caught myself talking smack about my body as I was going through outfits this am. So, good on the self awareness so far. I'm kinda b... Sun, 30 Apr 2017 12:52:15 EST Feeling open. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6355345 It's been a good afternoon for dealing with my own feelings. I managed an afternoon with most people outta my head.that was spa like. An old villian attacked this morning. But my embodiment is now on a different tact than when this old villian hurt me so their weapons are impotent. That was nice. Finally confirmation that my circle has once again become my own. And then in this freedom, a realization from my work life that was holding me back. Marxism, when it's entwined with psychology re... Sat, 29 Apr 2017 22:39:00 EST So, it been a while http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6355226 you wouldn't believe the stuff I had to do to get out from everyone else's good intentions. I put a shield up that is longer than the great wall of china and higher than that Marriott hotel in Dubai. <em>530</em> <BR> <BR> Anyway, nice to have a few moments alone with my own thoughts and no one else's. Food has again become a problem for me. But this time, I have a little more control in how I approach it, less pure physical drive without the chemistry of embodiment happening and mo... Sat, 29 Apr 2017 14:53:15 EST Back again http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5445680 I just spent about four days eating my way through an emotional crisis. I really need to develop better skills. Mon, 5 Aug 2013 20:44:10 EST After Surgery http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5241304 I am allowed to workout again. It's limited, twice a week, with just walking for cardio, but its something and I find it's enough to make it feel like food tracking is worth it again. Thu, 7 Feb 2013 09:16:00 EST Thanksgiving BlowOut http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5146801 I gained six pounds in 36 hours of eating. And normally, I know how to deal with a binge. I just get back on track the next food decision. But I have a surgery coming up, I need to be fortifying my body, not dieting, so now I feel I have to let it stick and I don't know how to deal with that. It frustrates me when I want to lose it again. <BR> <BR> I can't do anything and i hate my body today. Mon, 26 Nov 2012 08:27:50 EST A slightly better binge. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5101109 I binge eat. I can rack up about 8500 calories pretty easily within a few hours. So, I try to learn from my binges. I'm down to probably one binge every ten or so days. It's a lot better than where I began. But I still binge and I try to analyse them to learn what I can. <BR> <BR> Last night I was deep in thought about my scholarly project. The ideas were coming in quickly and I was eating as they did. It felt synergistic in the moment. I grazed/ ate lots of healthy food; food that was... Tue, 16 Oct 2012 10:18:34 EST Potatoes http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4909817 I had organic potatoes for breakfast. The kind from my local farmer's market with smart balance butter. Healthy and moderate. But within an hour I was craving sugar and I gave into a vending machine for some S'mores pop-tarts. Now, I know how to handle a set back and I'm not going to let it ruin my day, what I want to talk about is noticing patterns. <BR> <BR> Is it the starch potatoes that raised my blood sugar? I am not a diabetic per se, but my family trends that way so I put mysel... Sun, 3 Jun 2012 10:26:57 EST