RAZRBKMOM's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=RAZRBKMOM RAZRBKMOM's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ fallen off again.. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5700655 5/22/14 <BR> <BR> I have fallen way behind on my sparking. I have had to cut several things out, and internet being one. I have access at work, but I stay so busy at work I don't have the chance (most days). This has been a year filled with lots of changes. Had to start chemo, and I am losing my hair. I have a 5 in'' bald spot on the back of my head, so we decided to cut my long hair off...it is not short, but it does hide the bald...but when I went for a trim yesterday I was told it is... Thu, 22 May 2014 10:09:37 EST it's been a year.. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5551894 It has been a year since I started on my journey. A year filled with ups and downs, and at times I didn't know if I was coming, going or already been. It has been a year filled with tears, laughs, highs lows and frustrations. I see the scale moving in the downward direction, but I don't see what everyone else sees. I feel the difference in my clothes, but when I look in the mirror I don't see the changes, I want to. But I just don't see what everyone else does. I have accomplished a lo... Thu, 28 Nov 2013 00:12:12 EST My heart broke into a million pieces http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5532647 The day I knew was coming, came. I was not prepared. I cried all day. I got the message Jason had been transferred from county jail to prison. I couldn't control the tears. I was at work and I just wanted to go home and curl up in my bed. I had gotten to see him on Friday but I wasn't prepared. I thought I was, but let me tell you I wasn't. I checked the website and there was his new picture. He looked so scared and that hurt me even more. I know what he is facing and I'm terrified for him. H... Tue, 5 Nov 2013 07:46:01 EST damaged. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5424343 <em>46</em> That is me this week... I guess I need to start out by saying I was adopted and that has always left me feeling like I was not lovable. I mean if the people who created you or carried you don't want you than who else is there that will love you?? Not rational. I know this but in my heart, it doesn't feel like it. I never felt love from my adopted mom. I never heard I love you, I never got hugs, I felt as if I was walking on egg shells all the time around her. My adopted d... Wed, 17 Jul 2013 15:11:19 EST humm, running.... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5421740 So I decided to try this C25k thing....the first night I did really good...yes I know everyone says the second day you are supposed to rest...oh no not me! Since I thought I did so well, I tried it again....this time I ran in the morning...1st mistake!! Don't ask me what I was thinking because clearly I wasn't. It's south Arkansas, which means humid!!!!! So I got about 1/2 way through and said I can't...I was about to die! (I had been at a track near my house) I drove back to my house not... Mon, 15 Jul 2013 11:21:39 EST C25K http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5419684 I did my first workout towards a 5k last night. I must say I wasn't sure I could do it but I did!! I was really proud of myself. My grandson who will be 5 in October has 2 friends that are battling cancer. Karsyn is 4 and has stage 4 kidney cancer and Tori who is 6 is battling ALL. Karsyn 's family is being really proactive by doing fundraisers to help pay for his medical expenses. His mom is a single mom and his dad isn't involved, and they are doing a 5k for him on Aug 3...yes I know ... Sat, 13 Jul 2013 10:17:32 EST Friday... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5419026 Yea, it's Friday!! I wait all week for this one day, but today isn't a normal Friday. I don't get to see Jason and that upsets me, but I sat down and wrote him a LONG letter. Going to call Monday to see if I can visit with him on Tuesday...Guess I will have to change my day to Tuesday just to make sure I get to see him. I wouldn't be so upset if they would have taken a moment to call and ask if I wanted to go...They get that call every week. But since he (Jason) has been in all this trou... Fri, 12 Jul 2013 15:08:56 EST so mad I am crying http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5417675 <em>234</em> My son can only have 1 visit a week....I go on Fridays. I have to call on Thursday and make a appointment, so today I call to make my appointment and find out Tyler went to see his brother on Tuesday....I have NO problem with Tyler seeing his brother, the problem I have is everyone out at that house knows when I go see Jason and they have all been told that if they want to go they can since he is allowed only one visit.....but to take Tyler up there when he could have gone wi... Thu, 11 Jul 2013 09:58:40 EST more waiting... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5416881 <em>39</em> yep that is how I am feeling. Frustrated. For many, many reasons. 1. My job. 2. My Life 3. My kids 4. My health... Lets start with the job. I am a real estate appraiser. I used to LOVE my job. Looked forward to going to work. Loved the girls I worked with. Then about 3 years ago I got a new boss. That is when things started to change. I seemed to get all the responsibility but didn't get a raise to go along with it. I am doing the work of 4 while the others just ... Wed, 10 Jul 2013 15:08:18 EST hiding... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5413235 I got a call from my doctor himself on Wednesday. Seems that when they were putting me thru all my paces a couple of weeks ago trying to figure out what was going on with me, some things showed up that we were not expecting. At least not what I was expecting. I knew we would have the very hi WBC because of the leukemia, but when he sad your mammogram came back and it showed a lump....I cried. It shook me. I have such a strong family history of breast cancer, so I had been having mammogra... Sun, 7 Jul 2013 12:25:32 EST waiting.... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5409657 I am not a patient person....I realize this. I don't like waiting...I want results and I want them now...doesn't matter if it is test results or seeing the scale move. <BR> <BR> I have always liked that instant gratification. Patience is a virtue, one I do not have, and I am finding it hard to work on....!! Just being honest... My dad was the most patient person I have ever known. And he would always tell me it isn't in our time it is in God's time...I would get upset with him when he w... Wed, 3 Jul 2013 13:00:28 EST time for me... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5409189 I have realized it is time for me to put me first. this is something I have NEVER done. Being a mom I have always put my kids first. But with everything that is going on with Jason and Tyler I realize that is out of my control and I need to control what is in my life. <BR> <BR> Jason in all reality is going to prison and I can't change that. Tyler decided to go live with his dad, I can't change that. He is 17 and will be 18 is April, he is grown....I have done all I can do, and if it wa... Wed, 3 Jul 2013 00:56:20 EST TIRED OF THIS FEELING... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5373778 I didn't realize it had been so long since I had logged in and kept track...life just got in the way. <BR> <BR> About a month ago I started having new symptoms and not sure what is going on, so I have a doctors apt on Monday and I am sure we will do a million and ten tests...!! At this point I am doctor poor!! I have my primary, I have a hematologist/oncologist, I have a chiropractor, I have a massage therapist, I have a dentist, I have a urologist...and seems the list keeps growing. I fee... Fri, 31 May 2013 14:58:22 EST feels...blah... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5219454 I had a fill almost 2 weeks ago. Since then I have been having issues with being really nauseated. Beginning to wonder if I didn't get over filled. It's just a miserable feeling to be this blah all the time. Since that was my first fill I don't know what overfilled feels like...I know at times i wonder if my band is working...if it is still where it should be. I don't see the weight coming off like I think it should. It is getting a little bit frustrating.... <BR> <BR> <BR> ANY SUGGE... Wed, 23 Jan 2013 00:04:52 EST a good day to stay home... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5208549 it is freezing rain, which is causing lots of travel problems, and starting to get dangerous. I am still at work, wishing I was at home!! The school hasn't let out, and I guess I am stuck till 5!! Tomorrow, I intend to stay home, cook a pot of soup or chili, something warm and filling! Being curled up with a good book and my puppy (not really a puppy but she only weighs 1.5 lbs and is 13!!) sounds really good to me right now. <BR> <BR> Made it to Little Rock and back yesterday, just a ... Tue, 15 Jan 2013 14:29:26 EST Changes http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5205855 So it is a new year...time for some changes....time to get myself out of the depression or funk or whatever it is that has been going on for the past few weeks. I lost friends over this because they didn't agree w me standing beside him. Going to visit him, writing him. I don't have to support him as much as I did when he was in before, but this time I know he is looking at major time. (well unless we can make a deal) and I am not holding out a lot of hope for that because all he has is a... Sun, 13 Jan 2013 22:51:13 EST wants a do over http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5194056 Anyone that has followed this blog knows that I have gone thru more than any one person should have to. I have struggeled to get out of bed, struggled to go to work, struggled to be around people. My youngest decided he wanted to go back to his dads...which under the circumstances may not be a bad deal except for the fact they put crap in his head he doesn't need. <BR> <BR> I have made some tough choices, one of them, is to pick up and move. I am not sure when or where, but I can't stay... Sun, 6 Jan 2013 23:13:08 EST another sleepless night http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5162835 tonight at 6:38 pm the police knocked on my door said police search warrant... <BR> The nightmare started. They were looking for Jason...my oldest, the one I have failed...They were here last week asking questions about stolen guns, guns stolen from his former father in law. Problem with that is he was here the entire day they came up missing, I should have known....it wasn't over but just beginning. <BR> Jason just got out of jail for b/e & u/a use of credit card on 11/5/12. He had been i... Tue, 11 Dec 2012 04:26:47 EST Christmas Spirit... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5159283 I am really struggling this year with being able to get in the mood for Christmas. Not only am I not able to get out and shop I haven't felt good enough to get the house decorated. Not to mention it is 83 degrees here....come on it is December...!! I realie I live in Arkansas so we don't really get cold cold weather, but it shouldn't be 80 + in December. <BR> <BR> I have done a little shopping online. However this just doesn't feel right. How do you Christmas shop from your living room?... Fri, 7 Dec 2012 12:26:52 EST SLOW.... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5158455 I have had abdominal surgery before, so I kinda knew what to expect as far as recovery went.... I had NO idea it would be this slow going...!!! I have had it rougher this go round than I ever imagined. I somehow had it in my head I would have the lap band surgery and be able to go to work by Monday.... (I am not SuperWoman is hard to accept) <BR> <BR> I will admit I didn't know that when they did the surgery I would have to have a liver biopsy, and a hernia repaired too. Then they tell ... Thu, 6 Dec 2012 17:16:54 EST Thankful.. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5142613 Today we were told that we are getting a 5% bonus for Christmas...This will come in so handy for me espicaly this year... <BR> I have worked for the same employer for years, this year we got a new boss...she came in and changed up office policy, but in the policy that I am concerned with it says a employee that has been employed for longer than a year, the employee will be eligable for extended sick leave with pay if they will be out for more than 12 days with a doctors excuse...well seems th... Wed, 21 Nov 2012 13:20:02 EST at a loss... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5140449 If you have been keeping up you know I just got my oldest out of jail ... Well here is how the weekend went... <BR> <BR> We were invited to a good friends Friday night to eat shrimp and crab legs...Me & both boys went. When it was time to go home, I went in, took my purse to my room, said good night to the boys and went to sleep. <BR> <BR> Saturday ... I was just glad everyone was home and I didn't have to get up early, piddled around watched the AR game, then decided it was time for Wal-M... Mon, 19 Nov 2012 13:23:45 EST I got to sleep in!! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5138414 For the 1st Saturday in 9 long months I got to sleep in this morning!! I had forgotten to shut my window last night so there was a slight chill in my room even tho my oxygen concentrator was putting off heat...I rolled over and realized I had slept till 7:30!!! I haven't slept that late of a Saturday in 9 months!!! <BR> <BR> I used to have to get up earlier on Saturday than I did M-F to get up make a 45 minute drive, see my son for 15 minutes behind a glass and only talk to him over a phone... Sat, 17 Nov 2012 13:12:38 EST strength... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5137469 Someone told me I must be a strong person to handle all life has thrown at me...if they only knew how it felt inside. I am crumbling...I feel like I can 't take anymore....if one more thing doesn't go right I feel like I could break into a million tiny little pieces... <BR> <BR> My son the oldest one has been in jail for the past 9 months. Let me tell you if you have never had to deal with a problem child, you have no clue. He started off doing small things, not paying attention in school... Fri, 16 Nov 2012 13:06:46 EST missing... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5136594 Never in my lifetime did I imagine I would lose so much in such a short amount of time. I lost my husband, father, best friend, a child that I had been around as much as his own parents, a job all in just a few short months of each other...in some cases only weeks and days.... <BR> <BR> Out of all that I lost, I miss my dad the most. Then Cheryl, then Justin...somehow I don't miss the ex... I can't help but believe that Dad, Cheryl and Justin would be so proud of the changes I am making. ... Thu, 15 Nov 2012 17:22:44 EST The Pledge http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5135373 "Today, I promise I will not quit. <BR> <BR> I pledge that no matter, how many ups and downs I pass through, I will continue on my journey. <BR> <BR> I pledge to make a NEW START today, and forgive myself for my past, and to stop being so critical of myself. <BR> <BR> I pledge to take control of myself, to stop making excuses, and stop blaming other people or situations. <BR> <BR> I pledge to treat myself as I would my best friend, because that is who I am. <BR> <BR> I pledge to sta... Wed, 14 Nov 2012 16:13:52 EST looking fine on the outside... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5135112 People don't understand how hard it is to be so sick when you don't look sick... <BR> <BR> I have so many health issues but everyone says but you look good...ok so I look fine, but I can promise I don't feel fine. 3 years ago before I ever knew about a lot of the health issues I was diagnosed with Leukemia. Thank goodness it is a slow growing kind, but none the less when you run a daily fever, and your counts are all off, and you have no energy, and you hurt, you just don't feel good. The... Wed, 14 Nov 2012 11:29:58 EST yuck... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5134184 I am struggling with the protein shakes. I don't like the gritty taste. I blended the heck out of it this morning, and it looked like it was all blended but it was gritty!! :( So...I go home for lunch try this again... still yuck... <BR> <BR> I don't know how I am going to drink 2 weeks worth of grit...better learn is what my son said, yeah easy for him as he was chowing down on chinese! I did good, I didn't even ask for a bite! I wanted to, but I didn't. <BR> <BR> I sure do need ... Tue, 13 Nov 2012 15:21:50 EST ok, now I have a better understanding... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5133024 Kathy and I went to LR today to see the doctor and have a few more tests done. Got all the preop diet info and am surprisingly ok with all of it. Coke will still be my temptation, but I just know it is a NO NO... <BR> <BR> <BR> I am now just ready to have the surgery and ready to start....I have had a talk with my kids and explained everything, they won't know about my spleen until he gets in there, so still hoping for the best. <BR> I still haven't told many people exactly whats going ... Mon, 12 Nov 2012 16:50:22 EST pre op... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5131686 I am sitting here today and I am wondering what to expect tomorrow...I know all doctors are different...I am using a doctor that none of my friends have used so I really don't know what to expect...I don't like the unknown. I want to be prepared...I want to know...I want to prepare to be prepared...I am learning to give up control...NOT easy for me!! Seems I have had so little control of anything in a such a long time, that this is going to the the one thing I CAN control...I just have to m... Sun, 11 Nov 2012 15:24:50 EST Before the journey begins... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5130737 11/10/12 <BR> <BR> I go Monday for the pre-op. I am beginning to get a little stressed. I have been overweight my entire life. I have often wondered why. I was adopted when I was younger, and then after my last son was born, was diagnosed w/pre cervical cancer...I was advised to find my "real family". I took my time but eventually took it upon myself to look. By a slim to none chance I found my birth mother & her family. We met.....turns out my mother is obese, my brother is obese, my... Sat, 10 Nov 2012 17:10:11 EST