PWINCESSEMILY's SparkPeople Blog PWINCESSEMILY's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Its been awhile But I'm serious now. I did sparkpeople ages ago and lost a lot of weight. And then through one thing and another, I put most of it back on. <BR> <BR> So for the last 18 months to two years I have been maintaining that new higher weight. But now I'm serious about getting it off. <BR> <BR> Serious about feeling healthier and happier. So I'm going to do it properly this time. <BR> <BR> Warning - this post is a complete brain dump. Do not feel obliged to read it :) <BR> <BR> Its not JUST ab... Sun, 9 Jun 2013 10:53:55 EST Getting poorly I know I'm getting ill again. I have the warning signs. <BR> <BR> 1) I am tired as hell. I slept 10 hours last night (minus the usual breaks) and then had a two hour nap this afternoon. Still totally wrecked. <BR> <BR> 2) My rash (erythema nodosum) is making itself known in patches on my arms and legs. <BR> <BR> I am enjoying the last hurrah. I think I have until Monday before I get REALLY painful. Luckily I already have a doctors appointment for Tuesday, where he will fix me. <BR> <BR... Sat, 18 Aug 2012 17:24:04 EST Getting poorly I know I'm getting ill again. I have the warning signs. <BR> <BR> 1) I am tired as hell. I slept 10 hours last night (minus the usual breaks) and then had a two hour nap this afternoon. Still totally wrecked. <BR> <BR> 2) My rash (erythema nodosum) is making itself known in patches on my arms and legs. <BR> <BR> I am enjoying the last hurrah. I think I have until Monday before I get REALLY painful. Luckily I already have a doctors appointment for Tuesday, where he will fix me. <BR> <BR... Sat, 18 Aug 2012 17:19:39 EST Its the weekend, and its sunny I missed a couple of days of blogging. On Thursday I was all ready to settle in for the evening, having eaten dinner, when an old friend called and asked me out for a drink. I went. I had water (I'm tee-total anyways, so its that or lemonade). It was lovely to see him. <BR> <BR> Yesterday I was very tired. I went in to work early because it was one of the girls birthdays. My friend did the cake this time (we are taking it in turns - we used to bake at the same time but alternating is the ne... Sat, 18 Aug 2012 05:23:07 EST Well that's one way to binge eat If you absolutely must binge eat, and must do so until 'achieving' that uncomfortably full feeling (why are my coping mechanisms so messed up?) then *I* have found the way to do it. <BR> <BR> Sainsburys have an offer on at the moment. 5 posts of jelly (jell-o? your American 'jelly' is actually jam) or custard for £2. I binge ate 4 pots of mango and passionfruit jelly in quick succession. They are 8 calories each. That's a bit of a win. I followed it up with a slice of toast, butter and golde... Wed, 15 Aug 2012 15:47:41 EST Doing OK My mum saw the doctor today. He said he thinks it is thyroid cancer. He is sending her for tests over the next two weeks to check out all possibilities. The two main possibilities are thyroid cancer and some kind of lymphoma. So we're almost certainly looking at cancer. She's OK. She said she is feeling calm and not scared, so that's good. I am trying to balance being supportive and calling her and asking how she is and stuff, and not crowding her out. I think I'm doing OK so far. She is very... Tue, 14 Aug 2012 15:02:17 EST Sheer Panic ** I don't want you to get upset if you are dealing with/have dealt with cancer and people you love, so it may be best to skip my anxieties if you have ** <BR> <BR> This is my dominant state of my mind. I am working at it not being so. I am indeed having long periods of calm and distraction. But several times a day I am filled with panic and fear. Sometimes I even have to spend a whole half hour telling myself that my mum is not going to die, that even if she has cancer it is likely to be a ... Mon, 13 Aug 2012 05:33:12 EST Happy day I had the best day today. I am so pleased with myself. <BR> <BR> I woke up early and sorted some housey bits out, and then went into town to uni. Took some books back and got some more out. Then I went to buy a picnic. I looked round a few places in search of a healthy choice before going to Sainsburys. I got a mixed salad (didn't eat the dressing, which was actually just mayo!) and tipped a pot of four bean salad in a minty dressing over it. It was SUCH a good idea. Lots of protein and goo... Sat, 11 Aug 2012 14:25:18 EST Big oops Further to my previous blog: granola is the devil. <BR> <BR> I ate so much of it. I feel gross. I wasn't going to track it and was just going to cry instead, but honesty is a valuable thing. SP tells me I ate 1300 calories in granola this evening. How awful. <BR> <BR> I have put the rest of the bag in the bin. Buying granola was a bad idea. Granola is not my friend. <BR> <BR> :( <BR> <BR> I ate it while I finished reading Dracula. So happy for happy endings. I was determined to finish i... Fri, 10 Aug 2012 15:58:59 EST Small oops I bought granola yesterday. I ate two servings of it in the evening whilst watching Usain Bolt do his thing. It isn't a total fail in terms of calories etc but it was a loss of control. I need to learn to know when eating for the evening is over. I am very happy with my progress with eating though. <BR> <BR> Other than that yesterday was good. I ate well all day. I walked twice. I read some more Dracula. I got work done. London is sunny atm too, so that's nice. <BR> <BR> I have now banned ... Fri, 10 Aug 2012 08:03:29 EST Doing things right One of the first things I did this morning (when I should have been working) was track my planned food for the day. Guess what? The lesson from yesterday still stands. I put in my planned meals and it came to just under 800 calories. <BR> <BR> Is it any wonder I have been binge eating after trying to only eat 800 calories in a day? So silly that this did not click before. I was totally setting myself up for failure. <BR> <BR> So I added in some extras and some snacks and brought it up to ... Wed, 8 Aug 2012 14:35:32 EST Food tracking lessons I am reviewing my previous goal of tracking food one day a week. I am going to do it most days. I started tracking my planned eats today and am shocked at what I have learned. Its a very valuable lesson because it pretty much explains why/how I have been going wrong. <BR> <BR> I have been aiming to eat three good meals a day. And then failing terribly with lots of bad snacking. <BR> <BR> Today I realised that my three good meals have nowhere near enough of anything in them. I am particularl... Tue, 7 Aug 2012 09:13:54 EST Comfort eating I have been comfort eating in a big way today. The reasons are twofold: <BR> <BR> 1) I have been in horrendous pain with my back. I have not got the words for how bad it was when it peaked this afternoon. <BR> <BR> It is partially my own fault because I overdid it yesterday. I walked too far and for too long. But it was the women's marathon (I live in London) and I couldn't help it. The leaders passed me at mile 24 running faster than I can run for the bus. Inspiring. <BR> <BR> 2) We are... Mon, 6 Aug 2012 16:45:06 EST I'm baaaack Its time for me to get serious about this. <BR> <BR> I gained weight. Quite a bit. It doesn't matter how much now - this is a new start. What I know is that I gained and then I have stayed that weight for quite awhile. So that means the crisis is over and its time to stop being silly about this. I've done a few false starts - quite a lot recently. So I know some of what works and some of where I'm going wrong. <BR> <BR> I'm not going massively ambitious with what I want to do for now. Just ... Thu, 2 Aug 2012 14:01:57 EST Back to basics Ahh spark people, I am in a bad way. I feel like I have been away forever. <BR> <BR> I have been in and out of hospital with tummy pain and problems. I have reduced down my steroids to almost nothing, so that tests can be re-done. My joints symptoms have all come out, and to add to the Crohn's I have been diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis. That sucks a bit. <BR> <BR> I have worked from home for over two months. Some days I can barely get out of bed from the pain of everything. Stuff is ... Sat, 19 May 2012 16:54:43 EST What a week! I have had a bit of a week. Last Friday night/Saturday morning my pain got really bad. So I went to the GP who told me it was beyond what he could deal with and I should go to A+E. So I went to A+E, and then got admitted. <BR> <BR> Because it was the weekend my usual doctor wasn't around and I got a different doctor. He decided to change all my meds. He reduced my steroids by as much as you can in one go (they are dangerous to remove all at once), took me off my immunosuppressant and then de... Sat, 10 Mar 2012 13:05:03 EST What a week! I have had a bit of a week. Last Friday night/Saturday morning my pain got really bad. So I went to the GP who told me it was beyond what he could deal with and I should go to A+E. So I went to A+E, and then got admitted. <BR> <BR> Because it was the weekend my usual doctor wasn't around and I got a different doctor. He decided to change all my meds. He reduced my steroids by as much as you can in one go (they are dangerous to remove all at once), took me off my immunosuppressant and then de... Sat, 10 Mar 2012 13:05:00 EST Better Thought I'd drop by and let you guys know that I feel a bit better today. Though still pretty bad at times, my pain is much more under control even with less drugs. I think I've reach something of a turning point. Staying at home really helped - I worked from home Friday and then so far this week. Its meant I've gotten an extra hour in bed and then spent much of the time sat in bed working, or at the kitchen table. And not going anywhere except for emergency milk supplies. Resting up has real... Wed, 29 Feb 2012 14:03:31 EST Oh dear Well, since I last blogged things have got tougher. I was expecting 40mg of prednisolone to kick in around the weekend and make me feel better. I certainly did not expect to feel significantly worse, but that's what has happened: every day has been worse and more painful than the last. <BR> <BR> I'm now getting really bad pain all of the time, and horrendous pain about 30 minutes after eating. I've switched up my diet to see if I can find some food that doesn't do that to me. Today I had a ... Mon, 27 Feb 2012 15:03:10 EST In a bit of a mess I feel like a bit of a wreck lately. My Crohn's is messing me about a bit. The steroids that usually make me better don't seem to be working: I've been on a high dose awhile and got ill-er, which is silly. <BR> <BR> Lots of people lose weight with Crohn's. I just eat a lot and have gained a couple of pounds more. I'm really frustrated with it. Because things are moving through my system so fast I feel hungry and empty all of the time. And feeling full is a comfort to me. So. A lot of food h... Tue, 21 Feb 2012 15:52:27 EST Frustrated with myself I haven't been doing very well with the eating lately, and I have gotten frustrated with myself about it. This has led to some negative thinking the last day or so, which really isn't useful at all. So this blog is the blog in which I identify my problem areas and work on some solutions. <BR> <BR> Part of my negative calling has been over laziness. It is this idea that I keep making all these good plans that DO work if I use them, and then being too lazy to implement them. This is both true ... Wed, 25 Jan 2012 17:08:24 EST Coping mechanism ideas? So, following on from my previous blog: on Tuesday night I went a bit loopy and worried myself half to death. I ended up with three hours sleep and a destroyed Wednesday (how I made it through the day at work, I do not know). By Wednesday night I had blown myself out and didn't have the energy to worry. And I got relaxed, and I went to sleep, and nothing bad happened. So that's good. <BR> <BR> I found the number for my uni's counselling service and am going to call tomorrow. They do an asses... Thu, 19 Jan 2012 17:15:57 EST Emotional eating I’ve had a rough few days, and it all ended in emotional eating today. I’m not going to worry about that though. I need new coping mechanisms for sure, but for now I did what made me feel better. Beating myself up about it isn’t going to help change that. In a few days when I feel more stable I will think about it properly and try to get some more solid coping mechanisms sorted – I think I will write them down in my diary (that comes everywhere with me) so when I have a crisis they are there ... Tue, 17 Jan 2012 16:16:30 EST Evenings are an issue I have pretty much cracked the rest of the day, its just the evenings to go now. I like eating in the evenings, and I'm not very good at not eating. The last two days I have eaten really well, and than had dinner, and then waited a little while, and then scoffed things I shouldn't have. I just need to get in the habit of NOT doing that and it will be fine. I haven't killed my good work exactly - more a case of taking me right to the top of my calorie range (perhaps into maintenance rather tha... Fri, 13 Jan 2012 17:02:39 EST :D Yesterday was a mixed day. I did well all day long, and then in the evening I messed up and overate. So yesterday dinner now counts as my 'cheat' meal this week. I guess you have to play this stuff by ear sometimes. I was going to have something nice on the weekend, but I got my something nice yesterday instead. <BR> <BR> Today was EPIC. Seriously so. I had such a weird day. It started weird because I had a dirty dream about someone I do not find attractive, and it sent me into a weird perso... Wed, 11 Jan 2012 16:01:14 EST Breakthrough Today was such a good day. The weekend was bad eating all the way, but I drew a line on Sunday evening, and here I am. <BR> <BR> A key bit of it was recognising that it would be difficult. I prepared myself for the difficulty. I know from experience that the first two weeks of a healthy eating plan are HARD. Your stomach is used to more food. Your body craves the sugar etc. After a couple of weeks you adjust and it gets easier. So part of what happened today was a "just push through it, it'l... Mon, 9 Jan 2012 15:58:06 EST Who do I want to be? I identified another reason my eating has been so bad this week, despite good intentions. I have been bullying myself. Well nasty. I haven't had much nice to say to myself at all. Its been all about the "look how much you messed up" and "eww, your tummy got so big". This approach doesn't achieve anything but misery. I feel useless and stuck, which is silly. <BR> <BR> So I am going to work really hard at being more positive from now on. I started today when I decided I still quite like my bu... Sat, 7 Jan 2012 10:36:58 EST Restriction = binge This is not a new lesson, but it has taken me a couple of days to properly learn. If I am too restrictive with my diet at the start of the day, the evening becomes a waste ground. I won't go into the details, but today was not a triumph. <BR> <BR> I am basically trying to be too perfect. I used to eat so well and I thought I could just go back to that. I did not appreciate that the last time I was eating like that I'd taken a number of steps to get there. I have to do those steps again. <BR... Thu, 5 Jan 2012 14:50:17 EST Tired baby I am quite tired now. I has such a bad night last night. I went to bed at 10:30, because I knew I'd want to be feeling bright for my first day back at work. Then I woke up at 2am, and no matter what I didn't couldn't sleep again until 5. Then I woke up at 5:30, then 6:30, then had to get up for work at 7:15. Its the steroids: I had the awful mix of feeling deathly tired and being like a bouncy tigger (winnie the pooh?). Mental case. <BR> <BR> So yeh. Tired today. <BR> <BR> Eating was a mix... Tue, 3 Jan 2012 16:07:39 EST Pow! And then Crohn's makes a call. This morning I got up feeling OK. I had breakfast (scrambled eggs and brown pitta (no real bread in the house)). And then half an hour later I was like "ow. That hurts". And a little bit after that "wow, that REALLY hurts!". So I took some painkillers and watched a movie for a couple of hours. I thought I was OK. Which I was, as long as I didn't move. I'd been in the shower two minutes when I was like "ooo, I really am poorly today!". <BR> <BR> Never mind. I c... Mon, 2 Jan 2012 11:09:16 EST Good times I have had such a good couple of days! <BR> <BR> On Friday my friends from work came over for dinner. They arrived at 4. The girl I work with, her bf, and the boy that I like (and have pretty much accepted will always like a bit). We had so much fun and barely stopped laughing the whole time. We also ate a ridiculous amount of food. We could easily have fed twice as many people. They're all so sweet and I feel fortunate to have them in my life. There's something weird going on with the boy t... Sun, 1 Jan 2012 10:18:20 EST Judgemental much? A blog about my mother. <BR> <BR> She came to stay with me over Christmas. I found her attitude very wearing. I don't know if she has always been like it and I have just started noticing, or if it is a new thing. I am worried that it is a sign of unhappiness or something. <BR> <BR> She is SO judgemental. Not of me. Fortunately. She acts like the sun shines out of my arse (which is a bit wearing in itself, especially when she tells me I have lost weight and actually I've put so much on since... Wed, 28 Dec 2011 03:36:52 EST New Year's Resolutions for 2012 Oh what a year it has been! <BR> <BR> I had a small crisis on Christmas Day when I looked back at 2011 and found it wanting. I was very unfair to myself. There is a lot I am not happy with, but a lot I have made progress with too. I AM in a better place with a lot of areas of my life (and a worse place with some, but I can fix that). <BR> <BR> So here is what I have achieved in 2011: <BR> <BR> 1) I started running. I was scared of running (as in I never panic, but practically had a panic a... Tue, 27 Dec 2011 14:28:06 EST Oh gosh I have messed up so bad. So, so bad. I finally got on the scale this morning. 190lbs. <BR> <BR> One hundred and ninety. 13 stone and 8 pounds. <BR> <BR> And then just now I had a look back over my weight tracker on SP (thanks spark :( ). Holy crap have I messed up. I am one whole pound heavier right now than I was at the end of last year. What is more distressing is that I lost weight in the first half of this year. I did really well. My weight tracker graph has a nice downward trend. And... Sun, 18 Dec 2011 16:02:25 EST Blergh I feel all fat and gross. I have eaten so much bad food the last couple of weeks and neglected to move. So my tummy feels all horrible and I feel lethargic and I have put weight on. I don't know how much because I am too scared to get on the scale. The fact of the matter is that it has got to a critical point and I desperately need to fix it. <BR> <BR> Today I ate for most of the day. Home made onion bhajis and cake. We did a bake/savoury sale today. So much sugar. I am getting headaches aga... Fri, 16 Dec 2011 13:57:23 EST :D I am a happy girl. Things are good right now. <BR> <BR> I handed my essay in on Monday and had my last uni stuff this week. So its all done now for a month. A month of not having to worry about reading and stuff - yey! <BR> <BR> Yesterday was my work's christmas party. My dress looked good (everyone said so!). It was such good fun. It was on the 31st floor of centrepoint on tottenham court road - the view over the city was amazing. I love it when parties get going and the dancing starts. I'... Sat, 10 Dec 2011 15:01:46 EST Dairy So, my doctor suggested I try going dairy free. This I have done, for almost 5 weeks. <BR> <BR> Then I cracked. <BR> <BR> Because after three weeks if its going to help, you're meant to start feeling better. I didn't feel any different. So I thought 'bugger it'. <BR> <BR> I ate a mature cheddar cheese ploughman's sandwich from M+S, a hot chocolate (from REAL MILK) with cream on top and a chocolate brownie from Costa coffee (their brownies are the best: I have done comprehensive testing in... Fri, 2 Dec 2011 16:53:50 EST Doing well Though I am very tired. I'm going to get the moan out of the way first. I have been a bit concerned the last couple of weeks because my Crohn's rash is playing up, and my tummy has been a bit odd. I thought I was getting ill, but I haven't done. And now I am really, really tired which is usually the first sign of a flare up. BUT I have also got a lot going on so tiredness is perfectly reasonable. <BR> <BR> After making my time management plan things have been going much better. I have even g... Wed, 30 Nov 2011 15:35:01 EST Time management stress! I’m freaking out a little bit this evening about multiple pressures in my life. I’m not usually a freaking out person. This is because I usually have a plan. Right now I don’t have a plan, so I’m using this blog to make one. <BR> <BR> The main concern right now is the essay I have to write. It is 3,000 words and is due on Monday. I was hoping to get it finished by Friday, but that may not be realistic. I have finished the reading, planned my essay, numbered my notes for the sections they are... Mon, 28 Nov 2011 16:11:53 EST Feeling more positive Gosh I took a knock on Friday. I still feel a bit weak and like I want to curl up and hide. But it will be OK. I am sure it will. <BR> <BR> I have re-done my CV and written a template covering letter to send for sales jobs. I'm aiming at PR jobs (I already have a CV for this) and SOME sales jobs (not all, because I know I'd hate some versions). I think I should do OK: I always get cold called for sales jobs because I have all the attributes, but never had the motivation before. <BR> <BR> I... Sun, 27 Nov 2011 14:24:12 EST I had a horrible time. I am so sorry to be writing such a negative blog, but I had a really rough day today. It is work related. I have been feeling low recently and did a lot of thinking about why. I basically figured out that the only thing really bringing me down is work: I am very bored because there is nothing to do for over 50% of the time. <BR> <BR> On Tuesday I had my review with my line manager. I raised all my issues and was basically slapped down on all points. It doesn't seem to matter that I just wan... Fri, 25 Nov 2011 14:20:16 EST Focussing on the positives: healthy habits. I decided it would be a good idea, as part of my focus on positivity, to talk about all my GOOD habits. In a way it is a comparison to myself a couple of years ago, but mostly its just focussing on the good that is now. <BR> <BR> When I started thinking about it I realised I have quite a lot of good habits. Like, a good base to work from with this health thing. Even without doing all of my lovely positive changes I am going OK. <BR> <BR> Edibles: <BR> <BR> I am vegetarian. No gross bowel ... Fri, 18 Nov 2011 18:11:34 EST Less sad II am being more mindful of my moods and generally more self aware. This has led to me feeling less sad and not having such horrible boughts of low mood. Its not been long, but I was getting it several times every day so to have had 2 or 3 days clear is pretty good. <BR> <BR> I appreciate all the advice on my last blog. And you are right about seeking help. But part of the issue is what kind of help I need? This is what I have been thinking about. How do I fix the low mood. Anti-depressants ... Thu, 17 Nov 2011 15:13:36 EST Confused I am really confused with myself right now. I don't understand my emotions at all, and its a bit worrying. <BR> <BR> Here's the deal: I am doing much better than I have in ages. I live in a nice house. My commute is much shorter, giving me more time in the week. I've met my exercise goals two weeks in a row. The last couple of days my eating has been much better. I've even dropped some weight. My masters degree is going great. I have more of a social life than I have had in ages. <BR> <BR> ... Mon, 14 Nov 2011 15:35:32 EST Stopping eating so much. Firstly, thank you for the supportive comments on my previous blog. As always you are all wonderful. I have my performance review coming up at work and I'm thinking about how I might use it. My line manager has no power to do anything, and doesn't like to admit this, so it might create a bit of an issue. But the reviews all go through HR, so whatever I raise will read up the chain of command. So I thought I might focus on progression issues. Not that I want to be there forever, but I can't pr... Mon, 7 Nov 2011 16:08:27 EST A lack of confidence Now I understand what is going on. On the surface I am the same and doing all of the same things, but underneath my confidence is suffering. There are a few causes: <BR> <BR> 1) careers stagnation. I have been in my job for a year now. I have applied for probably hundreds of others but basically, no one wants me. I feel quite anxious about this since I'm not sure what I can do to make it better - how to sell myself better. And my job is so rubbish: anyone could do it (seriously). It makes me... Sun, 6 Nov 2011 12:18:03 EST Bill Gates So, I thought I'd drop by and tell you about my awesome week. <BR> <BR> Monday was a quiet day. Tuesday I had a lovely lecture on different types of representation. Our lecturer was very feminist and into quotas for women. It seems I am not much a feminist at all. Apparently my uni did some research which showed stronger support for positive discrimination (like all women shortlists and quotas) amongst older generations who also thought gender roles were separate and defined. Younger generat... Wed, 2 Nov 2011 17:30:20 EST Resolution. A resolution to resolve something. It *finally* clicked in my mind yesterday - its funny how sometimes you can't do anything to make yourself ready for something, and then all of a sudden it happens on its own. <BR> <BR> This doesn't relate to anything important really. Just The Boy I Like. The point being that I really, really like him. We spent yesterday afternoon together and he is just so much fun. Etc etc. I won't go on, I don't want to make you sick. <BR> <BR> Anyway, I was coming ho... Sun, 30 Oct 2011 04:42:17 EST Good week, bad week, average week Let's go with good week! <BR> <BR> Or roller coaster week. <BR> <BR> My emotions have been mental this week. However, this in itself is an achievement. I didn't eat my feelings. I didn't bury them or deny them. I FELT them. It was quite hard at times, but I got through it. I suppose I coped in a new way. The new way is called "moaning to the boy I fancy" and has the (probable) consequence of making him think I'm a lunatic. <BR> <BR> On Tuesday I saw a new specialist, who was a bit weird. ... Fri, 28 Oct 2011 14:14:04 EST Scaring myself again If you'd prefer to skip my animal-drugs-health bit, I HAVE written an actual plan for food and stuff for the week ahead further down. <BR> <BR> Sometimes I care about things too much. Like I need to learn to let go. This morning I read about Concentrated Animal Feeding (never heard of it before - totally insane). I then thought 'oh, but weren't they bringing factory farming to Britain?'. Yes. Yes they were. I spent an hour reading up on factory farming, animal ill health as a consequences, ... Sun, 23 Oct 2011 06:03:50 EST