PT.JEFFGIRL's SparkPeople Blog PT.JEFFGIRL's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community A Fresh Appeal Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence." <BR> <BR> Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?" <BR> <BR> Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left." Wed, 29 Jul 2015 20:35:21 EST Quips From Late Night "Hillary is getting a lot of attention. Republicans are saying she has too much of a temper ... too angry to be president ... if she really had that bad of a temper, wouldn't Bill be dead?" --David Letterman Tue, 28 Jul 2015 20:52:23 EST 0 To 200 A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. <BR> <BR> "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me." <BR> <BR> So, for her birthday, he bought her a... Mon, 27 Jul 2015 08:58:12 EST Definition of A Million A man was praying to God. <BR> <BR> He said, "God!?" <BR> <BR> God responded, "Yes?" <BR> <BR> And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?" <BR> <BR> "Go right ahead," God said. <BR> <BR> "God, what is a million years to you?" <BR> <BR> God said, "a million years to me is only a second." <BR> <BR> "Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?" <BR> <BR> God said, "a million dollars to me is as a penny." <BR> <BR> So the man said, "God. C... Thu, 23 Jul 2015 20:57:27 EST New Baby For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. <BR> <BR> One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. <BR> <BR> The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting... Wed, 22 Jul 2015 20:03:31 EST What To Do With Lawyers A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. <BR> <BR> Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! ... Mon, 20 Jul 2015 20:00:49 EST Guaranteed Visits An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. <BR> <BR> "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?" <BR> <BR> "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week." Fri, 17 Jul 2015 18:38:38 EST Just For Sparkers 1. If you eat something and no one sees you, it doesn't count. <BR> <BR> 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda. <BR> <BR> 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do. <BR> <BR> 4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake. <BR> <BR> 5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. <... Sat, 11 Jul 2015 22:10:05 EST Reasons Why Computers Must Be Male They have a lot of data but are still clueless. <BR> <BR> A better model is always just around the corner. <BR> <BR> They look nice and shiny until you bring them home. <BR> <BR> It is always necessary to have a backup. <BR> <BR> They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. <BR> <BR> The best part of having either one is the games you can play. <BR> <BR> The lights are on but nobody's home. Fri, 10 Jul 2015 15:58:51 EST Psychiatric Hotline - Not New, But Still Find This Funny Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. <BR> If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. <BR> If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. <BR> If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. <BR> If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. <BR> If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. <BR> If you are manic-depressive, i... Sat, 4 Jul 2015 16:10:02 EST Sunday School <BR> A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. <BR> <BR> After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" <BR> <BR> Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." Sun, 17 May 2015 01:47:43 EST Memories and Good Fortune <BR> An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. <BR> <BR> Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked,so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved, "I love you,Sally." <BR> <BR> On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked... Sat, 16 May 2015 17:53:54 EST White Hair <BR> One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. <BR> <BR> She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" <BR> <BR> Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." <BR> <BR> The little girl thought about... Fri, 15 May 2015 16:03:51 EST Conductor A conductor was having a lot of trouble with a drummer. He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he took a critical jab at the drummer, <BR> <BR> "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer -- which must be why you play the drums." <BR> <BR> A stage whisper was heard from... Thu, 14 May 2015 17:46:59 EST Scavenger Hunt A woman answered her front door and found Little Johnny and Billy holding a list. "Lady," Johnny explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar." <BR> <BR> "Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?" <BR> <BR> "Our baby-sitter's boyfriend." Wed, 13 May 2015 09:11:29 EST Dog and Hotel A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town, which he planned to visit on his vacation. <BR> <BR> He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" <BR> <BR> An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off ... Tue, 12 May 2015 11:46:21 EST Sumo Wrestlers <BR> "Right here in New York City over the weekend two dozen sumo wrestlers were in town in cold weather over at Madison Square Garden. It was nice to have the sumo wrestlers this time of the year in New York City. When the weather gets cool you just don't see enough shirtless fat guys. Mon, 11 May 2015 02:06:23 EST College Student A college student at a recent college football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand this: <BR> <BR> "You grew up in a different world," the student said, loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and uh ..... Sun, 10 May 2015 17:33:20 EST Fishing A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" <BR> <BR> The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." <BR> <BR> "Pet fish?!" the warden replied. <BR> <BR> "Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and... Sat, 9 May 2015 09:17:12 EST Two Doctors Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop. <BR> <BR> "I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon. <BR> <BR> "What for?" asked his colleague. <BR> <BR> "About $17,000." <BR> <BR> "What did he have?" <BR> <BR> "Oh... About $17,000." Fri, 8 May 2015 01:09:45 EST Little Johnny Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face. <BR> <BR> "Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked. <BR> <BR> "To make myself beautiful," said his mother. <BR> <BR> A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue. <BR> <BR> "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" Thu, 7 May 2015 19:23:28 EST Asserting Himself A husband was advised by his psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you're the boss." <BR> <BR> The man was on fire with enthusiasm and couldn't wait to try the doctor's advice! He rushed home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with... Wed, 6 May 2015 15:44:29 EST Salesman "So, how did you do?" the boss asked his new salesman after his first day on the road. <BR> <BR> "All I got were two orders." <BR> <BR> "What were they? Anything good?" <BR> <BR> "Nope," the salesman replied. "They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!" Tue, 5 May 2015 16:24:37 EST The Svot A Scot returned home to Glasgow after a trip down south to London. He complained to his friend the Londoners were so rude. "They kept banging on the door, knocking on the ceiling, hammering on the floor, at three o'clock in the morning." <BR> <BR> "Aye, and what did you do?" asked his friend. <BR> <BR> "Och, I kept right on playing me bagpipes." Sat, 2 May 2015 21:15:42 EST Devil Shopping The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed. <BR> <BR> "I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'" <BR> <BR> "Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!" <BR> ... Wed, 29 Apr 2015 21:53:03 EST Doctor Visit After a discussion with a patient, the doctor ended the talk with "I Love You". Following an awkward pause, he said, "I'm sorry. You were telling me what to do so it made me think I was speaking with my wife". <BR> <BR> From Reader's Digest Tue, 28 Apr 2015 08:19:10 EST The Captain's Secret Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. <BR> <BR> However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper in... Mon, 27 Apr 2015 08:37:38 EST Bidding One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. <BR> <BR> Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! <BR> <BR> As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he... Sun, 26 Apr 2015 20:31:05 EST Medical Problem A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. <BR> <BR> The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." <BR> <BR> Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's ... Sun, 15 Mar 2015 20:04:47 EST Epidural My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth. Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered. <BR> <BR> Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot!" Sat, 14 Mar 2015 08:45:38 EST Actual Accident Reports <BR> Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. <BR> <BR> The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. <BR> <BR> The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. <BR> <BR> I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. <BR> <BR> In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. <BR> <BR> I had been shopping for plants a... Tue, 10 Mar 2015 18:07:15 EST Leaning Slightly (A Little Corny) I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. <BR> <BR> For years, he refused... told me I was crazy. <BR> <BR> But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4 of an inch shorter than his right. A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans. <BR> <B... Wed, 4 Mar 2015 21:10:08 EST AAADD-(Long, But Worth The Read, I Think) Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. <BR> <BR> This is how it manifests: <BR> <BR> I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. <BR> <BR> I lay my car keys down on the table, put the ... Mon, 2 Mar 2015 08:00:45 EST Scary Sunday One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc. <BR> <BR> Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. <BR> <BR> Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, wh... Sat, 21 Feb 2015 19:02:04 EST The New Baby With all the new fertility technology , a 66 year old woman was recently able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. <BR> <BR> "May we see the new baby?" one asked. <BR> <BR> "Not yet," said the mother, who decided to have a little of her own fun with the relatives. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first." <BR> <BR> Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" <... Tue, 20 Jan 2015 18:03:00 EST Excited Father The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news: "We had twins!" <BR> <BR> The family was so excited they immediately asked, "Who do they look like?" <BR> <BR> The father paused, smiled, and said, "Each other!" Tue, 30 Dec 2014 22:14:01 EST Letter From School Dear Dad, <BR> <BR> $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. <BR> <BR> Love,Your $on. <BR> <BR> A week later....the response from Dad arrived: <BR> <BR> Dear Son, <BR> <BR> I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraghy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a... Mon, 10 Nov 2014 18:48:46 EST The Lord A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. <BR> <BR> However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was cheating on him and his kids wouldn't give him the time of... Sat, 1 Nov 2014 17:09:56 EST Wife Vs. Husband A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, <BR> <BR> "Relatives of yours?" <BR> <BR> "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." Sat, 25 Oct 2014 17:43:20 EST Discipline One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was acting up during the morning worship hour. <BR> <BR> The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. <BR> <BR> Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. <BR> <BR> Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!" <BR> Thu, 23 Oct 2014 19:36:31 EST Psychiatrists-Uh Oh While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. <BR> <BR> "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems." <BR> <BR> "Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?" <BR> <BR> They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can." <BR> <BR... Tue, 7 Oct 2014 17:29:48 EST Whales A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. <BR> <BR> The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. <BR> <BR> The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. <BR> <BR> Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. <BR> <BR> The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". <BR> <BR> The... Sat, 27 Sep 2014 15:30:16 EST