PT.JEFFGIRL's SparkPeople Blog PT.JEFFGIRL's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community The New Baby With all the new fertility technology , a 66 year old woman was recently able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. <BR> <BR> "May we see the new baby?" one asked. <BR> <BR> "Not yet," said the mother, who decided to have a little of her own fun with the relatives. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first." <BR> <BR> Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" <... Tue, 20 Jan 2015 18:03:00 EST Johnny in Church Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion. <BR> <BR> When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johhny held his dollar firmly in his hand, stating... <BR> <BR> "If I can't eat, I won't pay!" Wed, 14 Jan 2015 17:12:39 EST Work Out The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program. Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the following: <BR> <BR> Beat around the bush <BR> Jump to conclusions <BR> Climb the walls <BR> Wade through the morning paper. <BR> <BR> Drag my heels <BR> Push my luck <BR> Make mountains out of mole hills <BR> Hit the nail on the head. <BR> <BR> Bend over backwards <BR> Jump on the band wagon <BR> Run around in circles. <BR> <BR> Toot my own horn <BR> Pull out all the st... Fri, 9 Jan 2015 21:41:59 EST Real Sick Notes To School These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi School District. (Spellings have been left intact.) <BR> <BR> My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. <BR> <BR> Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. <BR> <BR> Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33 <BR> <BR> Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hi... Sun, 4 Jan 2015 18:08:21 EST You Might Be From New York If. . . * You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan. <BR> <BR> * You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. <BR> <BR> * The subway makes sense to you, and the subway should never be called anything like the Metro. <BR> <BR> * Your door has more than three locks and is made of steel. <BR> <BR> * You think Central Park is "nature." <BR> <BR> * You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the US pay on their mortgag... Sat, 3 Jan 2015 03:23:34 EST Excited Father The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news: "We had twins!" <BR> <BR> The family was so excited they immediately asked, "Who do they look like?" <BR> <BR> The father paused, smiled, and said, "Each other!" Tue, 30 Dec 2014 22:14:01 EST The Draftee A draftee went in for his physical wearing a truss and with a little convincing acting got his papers marked M.E. for Medically Exempt. <BR> <BR> Afterward a friend borrowed the truss to wear for his physical. At the end of the examination the doctor stamped M.E. on his papers. <BR> <BR> "Does that mean I'm medically exempt?" he asked. "No," answered the doctor. "M.E. stands for Middle East. Anyone who can wear a truss upside down can certainly ride a camel." <BR> Fri, 26 Dec 2014 21:02:36 EST The Violin Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room while his Uncle was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Johnny's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. <BR> <BR> Uncle listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know!" Sun, 21 Dec 2014 23:00:23 EST Broken Engagement Dear Marty, <BR> <BR> I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget? <BR> <BR> I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job. <BR> <BR> I am also very sure that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park, too. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wa... Sat, 13 Dec 2014 18:07:25 EST Red Skeleton's Tips For A Happy Marriage (Remember Him?) 1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays. <BR> <BR> 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson. <BR> <BR> 3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. <BR> <BR> 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. <BR> <BR> 5. We alwa... Wed, 10 Dec 2014 08:51:21 EST A Cat in Heaven A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." <BR> <BR> The cat thought for a moment and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors... I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." <BR> <BR> God said, "Say no more." Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow. <BR> <BR> A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an acc... Mon, 8 Dec 2014 21:12:46 EST Collect Call My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. <BR> <BR> My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?" <BR> <BR> Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!" Sun, 7 Dec 2014 23:04:38 EST Men(!) and Football A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. <BR> <BR> "No," he says, "The seat is empty." <BR> <BR> "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?" <BR> <BR> He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is th... Sat, 6 Dec 2014 15:34:09 EST Marriage Quotes (Just For Fun) -- At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" Yes, I am. I married the wrong man." <BR> <BR> -- A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." <BR> <BR> -- When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. <BR> <BR> -- A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to ... Wed, 3 Dec 2014 17:19:53 EST A One-Wish Genie A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold 'a genie' appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. <BR> <BR> The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?" <BR> <BR> The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to lo... Fri, 28 Nov 2014 16:35:45 EST Rest Home <BR> Aunt Mary, a spinster of 92, had finally consented to go to a rest home, but strictly on a two-week-trial basis. Consequently, she took a small overnight case with only the bare essentials. <BR> <BR> A couple of days later her niece was surprised to get a phone call from her demanding more clothes. <BR> <BR> "Please bring me that good black silk, my lavender print, the brown wool..." and she went on and on. Finally after a brief questioning from her niece, Aunt Mary expostulated: <... Mon, 24 Nov 2014 18:28:00 EST Shopping My husband had reluctantly agreed to come shopping with me. But when he found himself stuck in a lingerie shop while I tried on one garment after another, he regretted his decision. Impatient and bored he asked a salesclerk, "Is there anything in the store for men?" <BR> <BR> "Sir," she said, "everything in this store is for men." Sat, 22 Nov 2014 17:49:09 EST Vacuum Salesman A little old woman answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner."Good morning," said the young man. <BR> <BR> "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. <BR> <BR> "Go away!" said the old woman. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. <BR> <BR> Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushe... Fri, 21 Nov 2014 18:58:53 EST English School Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him. <BR> <BR> "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. <BR> <BR> "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night." <BR> <BR> "... Wed, 19 Nov 2014 18:08:40 EST Conch Light In a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a night-light in a conch shell I found on the beach. My wife took an instant dislike to it, and at the next yard sale it was the first thing she put out. <BR> <BR> I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check it out then finally bought it. "That will look great in your home," I said. "Oh it is not for me," she explained. "My bridge club is having a charity auction and we were asked to bring in the most hideous thing we can find. Wh... Mon, 17 Nov 2014 16:57:03 EST In Uniform My husband wore his Army uniform with pride. One day, coming home from the base and dressed in olive drab fatigues, he stopped off at the grocery store to pick up a few things. <BR> <BR> While in line at the check out counter, he noticed a little boy standing with his Mother. The boy took one look at my husband in his uniform, and his eyes grew wide. My husband in turn gave the young man a crisp salute. The boy was so excited. He pointed at my husband and announced," LOOK , MOM, A GIANT BOY... Fri, 14 Nov 2014 18:00:54 EST Performance Review Terms OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: <BR> Gets to work on time. <BR> <BR> RELAXED ATTITUDE: <BR> Sleeps at desk. <BR> <BR> EXPERIENCED PROBLEM SOLVER: <BR> Screws up often. <BR> <BR> WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY: <BR> Too ugly to get a date. <BR> <BR> INDEPENDENT WORKER: <BR> Nobody knows what he/she does all day. <BR> <BR> FORWARD THINKING: <BR> Procrastinator. <BR> <BR> GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS: <BR> Able to BS well. <BR> <BR> GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: <BR> Spends lots of t... Thu, 13 Nov 2014 15:23:38 EST Funeral Procession A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. <BR> <BR> A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file. <BR> <BR> The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walk... Tue, 11 Nov 2014 02:44:44 EST Letter From School Dear Dad, <BR> <BR> $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. <BR> <BR> Love,Your $on. <BR> <BR> A week later....the response from Dad arrived: <BR> <BR> Dear Son, <BR> <BR> I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraghy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a... Mon, 10 Nov 2014 18:48:46 EST Broken Window There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back. <BR> <BR> Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a base- ball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy. <BR> <BR> Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through tha... Sun, 9 Nov 2014 13:13:51 EST Parenthood - If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! <BR> <BR> -- Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results. <BR> <BR> -- The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side. <BR> <BR> -- Avenge yourself -- live long enough to be a problem to your children. <BR> <BR> -- The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and... Fri, 7 Nov 2014 18:13:16 EST Miracle Dog A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. <BR> <BR> One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day. <BR> <BR> That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. T... Thu, 6 Nov 2014 18:28:47 EST State Capitals Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals. <BR> <BR> Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, <BR> <BR> "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals." <BR> ... Mon, 3 Nov 2014 16:28:33 EST The Lord A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. <BR> <BR> However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was cheating on him and his kids wouldn't give him the time of... Sat, 1 Nov 2014 17:09:56 EST Questions to Ponder (A Little Long) 1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it? <BR> <BR> 2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? <BR> <BR> 3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? <BR> <BR> 4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? <BR> <BR> 5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "oneslice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people ... Sun, 26 Oct 2014 19:02:57 EST Wife Vs. Husband A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, <BR> <BR> "Relatives of yours?" <BR> <BR> "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." Sat, 25 Oct 2014 17:43:20 EST Discipline One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was acting up during the morning worship hour. <BR> <BR> The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. <BR> <BR> Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. <BR> <BR> Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!" <BR> Thu, 23 Oct 2014 19:36:31 EST Signing Checks Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read, so when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks simply "XX". <BR> <BR> Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered. <BR> <BR> He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz," said the banker, "I need to ask you about this check. We weren't sure you had reall... Tue, 21 Oct 2014 15:40:55 EST Tmperature A CEO-type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor deal. For a week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating all the staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about the food, the bed, the temperature, the weather. Typical big shot. <BR> <BR> One morning a nurse's helper entered the room, saying, "Time to take your temperature, sir." <BR> <BR> After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally opened his mouth for the thermometer. <BR> <B... Mon, 20 Oct 2014 17:33:16 EST The Moving Walls An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. <BR> <BR> The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." <BR> <BR> While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the mo... Sun, 12 Oct 2014 18:00:55 EST Psychiatrists-Uh Oh While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. <BR> <BR> "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems." <BR> <BR> "Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?" <BR> <BR> They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can." <BR> <BR... Tue, 7 Oct 2014 17:29:48 EST Bad Timing A parish priest, Father O'Brien, was being honored at a dinner on the 25th anniversary of his arrival in that parish. <BR> <BR> A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic. <BR> <BR> Sooo.....Father O'Briend decides to say his own few words while they await the politician's arrival...... <BR> <BR> "You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, c... Sat, 4 Oct 2014 18:25:09 EST Bad Timing A parish priest, Father O'Brien, was being honored at a dinner on the 25th anniversary of his arrival in that parish. <BR> <BR> A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic. <BR> <BR> Sooo.....Father O'Briend decides to say his own few words while they await the politician's arrival...... <BR> <BR> "You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, c... Sat, 4 Oct 2014 18:25:08 EST Whales A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. <BR> <BR> The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. <BR> <BR> The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. <BR> <BR> Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. <BR> <BR> The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". <BR> <BR> The... Sat, 27 Sep 2014 15:30:16 EST Insurance A client called to report an accident and ask if her insurance rates would go up. <BR> <BR> "Our underwriting department determines that", I said. Then I asked for her license number. Verifying her information, I asked, "NMF? Is that N as in Nancy, M as in Mary, and F as in Frank?" <BR> <BR> "Well... yes," she said. "But could you please tell your underwriters that it's also N as in Not, M as in My, and F as in fault?" Wed, 24 Sep 2014 13:53:29 EST Random Thoughts of A Woman Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them. <BR> <BR> One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 LBS. <BR> <BR> My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely. <BR> <BR> The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. <BR> <BR> The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does. <BR> <BR> The older you get, the ... Tue, 23 Sep 2014 17:16:30 EST Random Thoughts of A Woman Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them. <BR> <BR> One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 LBS. <BR> <BR> My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely. <BR> <BR> The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. <BR> <BR> The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does. <BR> <BR> The older you get, the ... Tue, 23 Sep 2014 17:16:30 EST More Things Women Want To Hear, But Never Do I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche? <BR> <BR> You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette. <BR> <BR> Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions. <BR> <BR> My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house. <BR> <BR> If the guys call and want me to go to that new sports club with them, tell them I'm busy. I ... Mon, 22 Sep 2014 17:06:06 EST Passwords My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. <BR> <BR> I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long. <BR> <BR> "Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters." Fri, 19 Sep 2014 17:07:01 EST The Blonde and The Library Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it." <BR> <BR> The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!" Thu, 18 Sep 2014 13:47:08 EST The Danger of Typos A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, which began with JennJohn. <BR> <BR> Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up going to and address that began with JeanJohn, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher's wi... Wed, 17 Sep 2014 13:36:51 EST The Engineer and The Frog An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." <BR> <BR> He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. <BR> <BR> The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." <BR> <BR> The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. <BR> <BR> The frog then cried out, "If you kiss ... Wed, 10 Sep 2014 10:35:51 EST Martini? Father O'Brian, a young priest, was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing. <BR> <BR> Father O'Brian said "this is a very lonely job and I don't think that I could have made it this long without my Rosary and two martinis each day." <BR> <BR> "What?!" Exclaimed the Bishop. "You've taken to drinking? What kind of example is that to set for the community? This doesn't reflect well o... Sat, 6 Sep 2014 14:21:25 EST