PT.JEFFGIRL's SparkPeople Blog PT.JEFFGIRL's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community The Svot A Scot returned home to Glasgow after a trip down south to London. He complained to his friend the Londoners were so rude. "They kept banging on the door, knocking on the ceiling, hammering on the floor, at three o'clock in the morning." <BR> <BR> "Aye, and what did you do?" asked his friend. <BR> <BR> "Och, I kept right on playing me bagpipes." Sat, 2 May 2015 21:15:42 EST Devil Shopping The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed. <BR> <BR> "I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'" <BR> <BR> "Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!" <BR> ... Wed, 29 Apr 2015 21:53:03 EST Doctor Visit After a discussion with a patient, the doctor ended the talk with "I Love You". Following an awkward pause, he said, "I'm sorry. You were telling me what to do so it made me think I was speaking with my wife". <BR> <BR> From Reader's Digest Tue, 28 Apr 2015 08:19:10 EST The Captain's Secret Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. <BR> <BR> However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper in... Mon, 27 Apr 2015 08:37:38 EST Bidding One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. <BR> <BR> Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! <BR> <BR> As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he... Sun, 26 Apr 2015 20:31:05 EST Medical Problem A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. <BR> <BR> The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." <BR> <BR> Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's ... Sun, 15 Mar 2015 20:04:47 EST Epidural My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth. Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered. <BR> <BR> Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot!" Sat, 14 Mar 2015 08:45:38 EST Actual Accident Reports <BR> Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. <BR> <BR> The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. <BR> <BR> The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. <BR> <BR> I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. <BR> <BR> In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. <BR> <BR> I had been shopping for plants a... Tue, 10 Mar 2015 18:07:15 EST Leaning Slightly (A Little Corny) I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. <BR> <BR> For years, he refused... told me I was crazy. <BR> <BR> But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4 of an inch shorter than his right. A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans. <BR> <B... Wed, 4 Mar 2015 21:10:08 EST AAADD-(Long, But Worth The Read, I Think) Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. <BR> <BR> This is how it manifests: <BR> <BR> I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. <BR> <BR> I lay my car keys down on the table, put the ... Mon, 2 Mar 2015 08:00:45 EST Scary Sunday One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc. <BR> <BR> Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. <BR> <BR> Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, wh... Sat, 21 Feb 2015 19:02:04 EST The New Baby With all the new fertility technology , a 66 year old woman was recently able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. <BR> <BR> "May we see the new baby?" one asked. <BR> <BR> "Not yet," said the mother, who decided to have a little of her own fun with the relatives. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first." <BR> <BR> Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" <... Tue, 20 Jan 2015 18:03:00 EST Excited Father The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news: "We had twins!" <BR> <BR> The family was so excited they immediately asked, "Who do they look like?" <BR> <BR> The father paused, smiled, and said, "Each other!" Tue, 30 Dec 2014 22:14:01 EST Letter From School Dear Dad, <BR> <BR> $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. <BR> <BR> Love,Your $on. <BR> <BR> A week later....the response from Dad arrived: <BR> <BR> Dear Son, <BR> <BR> I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraghy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a... Mon, 10 Nov 2014 18:48:46 EST The Lord A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. <BR> <BR> However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was cheating on him and his kids wouldn't give him the time of... Sat, 1 Nov 2014 17:09:56 EST Wife Vs. Husband A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, <BR> <BR> "Relatives of yours?" <BR> <BR> "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." Sat, 25 Oct 2014 17:43:20 EST Discipline One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was acting up during the morning worship hour. <BR> <BR> The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. <BR> <BR> Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. <BR> <BR> Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!" <BR> Thu, 23 Oct 2014 19:36:31 EST Signing Checks Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read, so when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks simply "XX". <BR> <BR> Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered. <BR> <BR> He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz," said the banker, "I need to ask you about this check. We weren't sure you had reall... Tue, 21 Oct 2014 15:40:55 EST Tmperature A CEO-type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor deal. For a week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating all the staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about the food, the bed, the temperature, the weather. Typical big shot. <BR> <BR> One morning a nurse's helper entered the room, saying, "Time to take your temperature, sir." <BR> <BR> After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally opened his mouth for the thermometer. <BR> <B... Mon, 20 Oct 2014 17:33:16 EST Psychiatrists-Uh Oh While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. <BR> <BR> "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems." <BR> <BR> "Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?" <BR> <BR> They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can." <BR> <BR... Tue, 7 Oct 2014 17:29:48 EST Bad Timing A parish priest, Father O'Brien, was being honored at a dinner on the 25th anniversary of his arrival in that parish. <BR> <BR> A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic. <BR> <BR> Sooo.....Father O'Briend decides to say his own few words while they await the politician's arrival...... <BR> <BR> "You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, c... Sat, 4 Oct 2014 18:25:09 EST Whales A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. <BR> <BR> The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. <BR> <BR> The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. <BR> <BR> Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. <BR> <BR> The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". <BR> <BR> The... Sat, 27 Sep 2014 15:30:16 EST