PT.JEFFGIRL's SparkPeople Blog PT.JEFFGIRL's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Army of the Lord A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door, as he always is, to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" <BR> <BR> My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." <BR> <BR> Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" <BR> <BR> He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service." Wed, 23 Jul 2014 20:01:27 EST Paying Taxes A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "We feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile." <BR> <BR> "Thank God," returned the taxpayer. "I thought you were going to want cash." Fri, 18 Jul 2014 18:12:50 EST Adopted Twins A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. <BR> <BR> Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. <BR> <BR> Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." Thu, 17 Jul 2014 20:29:19 EST Lost Gas Cap David filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. <BR> <BR> After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost. <BR> <BR> Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. <BR> <BR> Sure eno... Wed, 16 Jul 2014 20:00:09 EST Fire Photographer A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. <BR> <BR> The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. <BR> <... Tue, 15 Jul 2014 21:12:41 EST Signs of the Modern Age You try to enter your password on the microwave. <BR> <BR> - You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted." <BR> <BR> - You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years. <BR> <BR> - You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. <BR> <BR> - You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?" <BR> <BR> - Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. <BR> <BR> - You chat severa... Sun, 13 Jul 2014 20:21:24 EST So True - It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. <BR> <BR> - If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? <BR> <BR> - Hard work pays off later. Laziness pays off now! <BR> <BR> - When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. <BR> <BR> - Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. <BR> <BR> - I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better! <BR> <BR> - A closed mouth gathers no foot. <BR> <BR> - The trouble with life is... Sat, 12 Jul 2014 17:05:42 EST Password A guy was typing away at his home computer, when his six- year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. <BR> <BR> Suddenly, she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" <BR> <BR> "What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly. <BR> <BR> Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!" Wed, 9 Jul 2014 14:25:11 EST The Piece of Paper A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. <BR> <BR> The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. <BR> <BR> The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.” Tue, 1 Jul 2014 02:16:06 EST Lotto Joe A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray... "God, please help me. I ve lost my business and if I don t get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." <BR> <BR> Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car ... Mon, 30 Jun 2014 19:58:57 EST The Grandson My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" <BR> <BR> I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" <BR> <BR> "You're both old," he replied. Sun, 29 Jun 2014 19:08:28 EST Mexican Bandit A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. <BR> <BR> After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." <BR> <BR> But the bandit didn't spe... Sat, 28 Jun 2014 23:13:04 EST Presidental Haircut Before getting a haircut the president asked his stylist Christophe, "How long will this take, how much will it cost, and how good will this look?" <BR> <BR> Christophe replied, "Just ten minutes, cost $20, and look marvelous." An hour and fifteen minutes later, the president looked into the mirror in horror and Christophe handed him a bill for $200. <BR> <BR> The president gasped, "You took too long, it doesn't look that great, and it's costing me ten times more than you said!" <BR> <B... Mon, 23 Jun 2014 20:35:41 EST Afterlife <BR> After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" <BR> <BR> The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man." <BR> <BR> The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school te... Sat, 21 Jun 2014 22:36:17 EST The Coma The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. <BR> <BR> One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. <BR> <BR> "When I got fired, you were there to support me." <BR> <BR> "When my business failed, you were there." <BR> <BR> "When I got shot, you were by my side." <BR>... Sat, 14 Jun 2014 21:56:43 EST Job Benefits A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay. <BR> <BR> She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five year's salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums." <BR> <BR> "I can't help but ask why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied. <BR> <BR> The woman shrugg... Thu, 15 May 2014 22:10:12 EST Three Women Are About To Be Executed Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. <BR> <BR> She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. <BR> <BR> The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says n... Sat, 10 May 2014 20:26:24 EST Quiet in Church A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" <BR> <BR> Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping." Fri, 9 May 2014 19:58:12 EST Road Rage A man noticed he was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. Not wanting to let the crazed woman push him, he stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by flooring it. <BR> <BR> The tailgating woman slammed on her brakes, then her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her windo... Tue, 6 May 2014 20:34:48 EST That Darn Cat A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. <BR> <BR> The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! <BR> <BR> He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles a... Sun, 4 May 2014 20:26:28 EST Kiddie Quickies My friend asked our grandson when he would turn 6. He replied, "When I'm tired of being 5." <BR> <BR> ******************** <BR> <BR> Seeing her first hailstorm, Mary Sue, age 3, exclaimed, "Mommy, it's raining dumplings!" <BR> <BR> ******************** <BR> <BR> Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, "You mean he has a mustache?" Fri, 2 May 2014 11:56:35 EST Mason vs. Dixie <BR> A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?" <BR> <BR> The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied. <BR> <BR> The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?" Mon, 28 Apr 2014 08:09:34 EST Possible Designers of The Human Body Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. <BR> <BR> One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." <BR> <BR> Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." <BR> <BR> The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" Thu, 24 Apr 2014 18:23:58 EST Those Who Don't Know The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem. <BR> <BR> Those who don't know are also in two groups. <BR> <BR> One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn! <BR> <BR> But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers! Wed, 23 Apr 2014 07:53:14 EST More Words A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000." <BR> <BR> Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results. <BR> <BR> The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say." <BR> <BR> The husband said "What?" Tue, 22 Apr 2014 11:14:40 EST We Deliver The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. <BR> <BR> "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?" <BR> <BR> "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."... Sun, 20 Apr 2014 09:28:14 EST Fast Drinker A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" <BR> <BR> The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. <BR> <BR> "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I... Sat, 19 Apr 2014 13:50:32 EST How Old? When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers. <BR> <BR> "Oh, you're 4," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?" <BR> <BR> The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger." Thu, 17 Apr 2014 12:14:31 EST Not Nice! A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. <BR> <BR> This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?" <BR> <BR> The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!" Wed, 16 Apr 2014 09:33:19 EST Who's Going To Stop Me? Six year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not suppose to talk out loud in church." <BR> <BR> "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. <BR> <BR> Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers." Mon, 14 Apr 2014 07:39:41 EST Bottom of The Class “I’m worried about you always being at the bottom of your class,” said the father to his son. <BR> <BR> “Don’t worry Dad,” he replied. “They still teach the same thing at both ends.” Sun, 13 Apr 2014 10:58:35 EST It Shows Stars A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem. <BR> <BR> "The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says. <BR> <BR> "Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password." <BR> <BR> "Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me.... Sat, 12 Apr 2014 15:22:03 EST Hi Jack A sign of The Times: <BR> <BR> I have a friend who is a pilot on a 747. <BR> <BR> I said "Hi Jack." <BR> <BR> He shot me. Fri, 11 Apr 2014 10:41:10 EST Selling Bibles While checking the church storeroom, the pastor discovered several cases of new Bibles that never had been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise money for the church. Jack, Paul, and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. <BR> <BR> The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some... Thu, 10 Apr 2014 11:43:33 EST Animal Truisms Note: To Dog/Cat Lovers This is Just a Joke. <BR> <BR> A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. <BR> <BR> An aquarium is just interactive television for cats. <BR> <BR> Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes. <BR> <BR> Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. <BR> <BR> Although cats are rather delicate creatures and... Wed, 9 Apr 2014 10:28:46 EST $100 Bill <BR> I was at the drugstore and noticed a young male cashier staring at the pretty girl in front of me. Her total came to $16.42, and after handing over a $100 bill, she waited for change. "Here you go," said the cashier, smiling as he returned the proper amount. "Have a great day!" <BR> <BR> Now I placed my items on the counter. The tally was $32.79, and I too gave the cashier a $100 bill. <BR> <BR> "I'm sorry, Ma'am. We can't accept anything larger than a fifty," he told me, pointing t... Tue, 8 Apr 2014 09:16:13 EST Salesman To Policeman A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. <BR> <BR> Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role. <BR> <BR> "Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong." Mon, 7 Apr 2014 12:33:48 EST Ethical Dilemma <BR> A lawyer charged a man $1,000 for legal services. The man paid him in cash with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100. The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: &#8232;&#8232;Should he tell his partner? Sun, 6 Apr 2014 09:00:42 EST The Third Biggest Lie Ann Landers challenged her readers to come up with the world's third-biggest lie -- right after "The check is in the mail" and "I'm from the government and I'm here to help you." Here is a sampling from the thousands she received: <BR> <BR> - "It's a good thing you came in today. We only have two more in stock." <BR> <BR> - "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your height." <BR> <BR> - "You made it yourself? I never would have guessed." <BR> <BR> - "Of course I'll respect you in the... Sat, 5 Apr 2014 05:09:03 EST Mr. Smith Is Dead A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. <BR> <BR> "Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone. <BR> <BR> "I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered. <BR> <BR> "Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client. <BR> <BR> The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night." <BR> <BR> "Is Mr. Smith there?", aske... Thu, 3 Apr 2014 09:39:45 EST Talking Dog For Sale This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. <BR> <BR> "You talk?" he asks. <BR> <BR> "Yep," the mutt replies. <BR> <BR> "So, what's your story?" <BR> <BR> The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting fro... Sun, 30 Mar 2014 16:34:52 EST Niece and Nephew Maybe a little corny. . . <BR> <BR> A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. <BR> <BR> The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them." <BR> <BR> The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" <BR> <BR> She asks the docto... Fri, 28 Mar 2014 15:39:20 EST An Overweight Blonde <BR> A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. <BR> <BR> "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." <BR> <BR> When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. <BR> <BR> "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" <BR> <BR> The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."... Tue, 25 Mar 2014 13:14:09 EST Little Johnny's Baby Brother <BR> Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?" <BR> <BR> His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny." <BR> <BR> Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!" Mon, 24 Mar 2014 15:41:07 EST Hut 1, 2, 3 <BR> As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?" <BR> <BR> "What?" asked the recruit innocently. <BR> <BR> "I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant. <BR> <BR> The recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!" Sat, 22 Mar 2014 09:51:24 EST May December Marriage <BR> It was a May-December marriage, and as the old man climbed in to bed for the first time with his new bride, he asked, "Did your mother tell you what to do on your wedding night?" <BR> <BR> "Yes," she cooed, kissing him lightly, "She told me everything." <BR> <BR> "Good," said the elderly gentleman as he turned out the light, "because I've forgotten." Fri, 21 Mar 2014 10:02:57 EST Baseball in Heaven <BR> Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. <BR> <BR> Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" <BR> <BR> Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." <BR> <BR> They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. ... Thu, 20 Mar 2014 12:03:28 EST A Walk By The Sea <BR> A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea. The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson. <BR> <BR> And, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand. The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. <BR> <BR> But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came,"... Wed, 19 Mar 2014 09:52:28 EST The Dying Preacher An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. <BR> <BR> As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. <BR> <BR> For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that... Tue, 18 Mar 2014 09:47:41 EST You Know You've Turned Into A Mom <BR> - You automatically double-knot everything you tie. <BR> <BR> - You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes. <BR> <BR> - You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school! <BR> <BR> - You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce. <BR> <BR> - You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to ... Mon, 17 Mar 2014 12:52:53 EST