PT.JEFFGIRL's SparkPeople Blog PT.JEFFGIRL's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Those Who Don't Know The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem. <BR> <BR> Those who don't know are also in two groups. <BR> <BR> One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn! <BR> <BR> But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers! Wed, 23 Apr 2014 07:53:14 EST More Words A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000." <BR> <BR> Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results. <BR> <BR> The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say." <BR> <BR> The husband said "What?" Tue, 22 Apr 2014 11:14:40 EST We Deliver The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. <BR> <BR> "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?" <BR> <BR> "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."... Sun, 20 Apr 2014 09:28:14 EST Fast Drinker A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" <BR> <BR> The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. <BR> <BR> "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I... Sat, 19 Apr 2014 13:50:32 EST How Old? When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers. <BR> <BR> "Oh, you're 4," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?" <BR> <BR> The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger." Thu, 17 Apr 2014 12:14:31 EST Not Nice! A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. <BR> <BR> This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?" <BR> <BR> The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!" Wed, 16 Apr 2014 09:33:19 EST Who's Going To Stop Me? Six year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not suppose to talk out loud in church." <BR> <BR> "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. <BR> <BR> Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers." Mon, 14 Apr 2014 07:39:41 EST Bottom of The Class “I’m worried about you always being at the bottom of your class,” said the father to his son. <BR> <BR> “Don’t worry Dad,” he replied. “They still teach the same thing at both ends.” Sun, 13 Apr 2014 10:58:35 EST It Shows Stars A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem. <BR> <BR> "The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says. <BR> <BR> "Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password." <BR> <BR> "Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me.... Sat, 12 Apr 2014 15:22:03 EST Hi Jack A sign of The Times: <BR> <BR> I have a friend who is a pilot on a 747. <BR> <BR> I said "Hi Jack." <BR> <BR> He shot me. Fri, 11 Apr 2014 10:41:10 EST Selling Bibles While checking the church storeroom, the pastor discovered several cases of new Bibles that never had been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise money for the church. Jack, Paul, and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. <BR> <BR> The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some... Thu, 10 Apr 2014 11:43:33 EST Animal Truisms Note: To Dog/Cat Lovers This is Just a Joke. <BR> <BR> A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. <BR> <BR> An aquarium is just interactive television for cats. <BR> <BR> Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes. <BR> <BR> Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. <BR> <BR> Although cats are rather delicate creatures and... Wed, 9 Apr 2014 10:28:46 EST $100 Bill <BR> I was at the drugstore and noticed a young male cashier staring at the pretty girl in front of me. Her total came to $16.42, and after handing over a $100 bill, she waited for change. "Here you go," said the cashier, smiling as he returned the proper amount. "Have a great day!" <BR> <BR> Now I placed my items on the counter. The tally was $32.79, and I too gave the cashier a $100 bill. <BR> <BR> "I'm sorry, Ma'am. We can't accept anything larger than a fifty," he told me, pointing t... Tue, 8 Apr 2014 09:16:13 EST Salesman To Policeman A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. <BR> <BR> Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role. <BR> <BR> "Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong." Mon, 7 Apr 2014 12:33:48 EST Ethical Dilemma <BR> A lawyer charged a man $1,000 for legal services. The man paid him in cash with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100. The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: &#8232;&#8232;Should he tell his partner? Sun, 6 Apr 2014 09:00:42 EST The Third Biggest Lie Ann Landers challenged her readers to come up with the world's third-biggest lie -- right after "The check is in the mail" and "I'm from the government and I'm here to help you." Here is a sampling from the thousands she received: <BR> <BR> - "It's a good thing you came in today. We only have two more in stock." <BR> <BR> - "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your height." <BR> <BR> - "You made it yourself? I never would have guessed." <BR> <BR> - "Of course I'll respect you in the... Sat, 5 Apr 2014 05:09:03 EST Mr. Smith Is Dead A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. <BR> <BR> "Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone. <BR> <BR> "I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered. <BR> <BR> "Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client. <BR> <BR> The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night." <BR> <BR> "Is Mr. Smith there?", aske... Thu, 3 Apr 2014 09:39:45 EST Talking Dog For Sale This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. <BR> <BR> "You talk?" he asks. <BR> <BR> "Yep," the mutt replies. <BR> <BR> "So, what's your story?" <BR> <BR> The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting fro... Sun, 30 Mar 2014 16:34:52 EST Niece and Nephew Maybe a little corny. . . <BR> <BR> A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. <BR> <BR> The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them." <BR> <BR> The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" <BR> <BR> She asks the docto... Fri, 28 Mar 2014 15:39:20 EST An Overweight Blonde <BR> A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. <BR> <BR> "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." <BR> <BR> When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. <BR> <BR> "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" <BR> <BR> The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."... Tue, 25 Mar 2014 13:14:09 EST Little Johnny's Baby Brother <BR> Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?" <BR> <BR> His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny." <BR> <BR> Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!" Mon, 24 Mar 2014 15:41:07 EST Hut 1, 2, 3 <BR> As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?" <BR> <BR> "What?" asked the recruit innocently. <BR> <BR> "I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant. <BR> <BR> The recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!" Sat, 22 Mar 2014 09:51:24 EST May December Marriage <BR> It was a May-December marriage, and as the old man climbed in to bed for the first time with his new bride, he asked, "Did your mother tell you what to do on your wedding night?" <BR> <BR> "Yes," she cooed, kissing him lightly, "She told me everything." <BR> <BR> "Good," said the elderly gentleman as he turned out the light, "because I've forgotten." Fri, 21 Mar 2014 10:02:57 EST Baseball in Heaven <BR> Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. <BR> <BR> Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" <BR> <BR> Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." <BR> <BR> They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. ... Thu, 20 Mar 2014 12:03:28 EST A Walk By The Sea <BR> A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea. The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson. <BR> <BR> And, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand. The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. <BR> <BR> But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came,"... Wed, 19 Mar 2014 09:52:28 EST The Dying Preacher An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. <BR> <BR> As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. <BR> <BR> For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that... Tue, 18 Mar 2014 09:47:41 EST You Know You've Turned Into A Mom <BR> - You automatically double-knot everything you tie. <BR> <BR> - You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes. <BR> <BR> - You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school! <BR> <BR> - You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce. <BR> <BR> - You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to ... Mon, 17 Mar 2014 12:52:53 EST Aches and Pains At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains. <BR> <BR> "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. <BR> <BR> "I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another. <BR> <BR> "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third. <BR> <BR> "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed. <BR> <BR> "I guess that's the pric... Sun, 16 Mar 2014 12:58:40 EST Irish Brothers <BR> <BR> An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness <BR> and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in <BR> turn. <BR> When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three <BR> more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I <BR> draw it; It would taste better if you bought one at a time.' <BR> <BR> The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I <BR> have two brothers. One is in <BR> America, <BR> the other... Mon, 10 Mar 2014 09:18:08 EST Signs you're Cheap <BR> 1. You attend a weekly coupon club. <BR> <BR> 2. You've been driving on the spare tire for over three months. <BR> <BR> 3. Fast food is your idea of fine dining. <BR> <BR> 4. You spend more time counting change during a single week than you spend at church. <BR> <BR> 5. You're outraged when the price of a can of soda goes up a nickel. <BR> <BR> 6. You haven't purchased a name brand product in the past ten years. <BR> <BR> 7. You take the pennies from the container next to th... Sun, 9 Mar 2014 11:36:44 EST Better? Upset is Unhealthy <BR> <BR> The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly." <BR> <BR> On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?" <BR> <BR> "Yes," the boy's mother answered. <BR> <BR> "And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked. <BR> <BR> "Who cares?" the mother replied. Fri, 7 Mar 2014 12:57:52 EST A No No Driving Home Very Drunk <BR> <BR> It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. <BR> <BR> The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home a... Thu, 6 Mar 2014 08:40:42 EST Performance Evaluations Dictionary of Performance Evaluation Comments <BR> <BR> Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. <BR> <BR> Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job. <BR> <BR> Active socially: Drinks heavily. <BR> <BR> Alert to company developments: An office gossip. <BR> <BR> Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job. <BR> <BR> Consults ... Wed, 12 Feb 2014 16:33:06 EST Football Wedding Football Wedding <BR> <BR> Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?" <BR> <BR> The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family." <BR> <BR> "What do you call it?" <BR> <BR> "We call it a football wedding." <BR> <BR> The first asks, "What's a football wedding?" <BR> <BR> The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!" <BR> Tue, 11 Feb 2014 20:25:40 EST Women Drivers (But Not Us!) Women Drivers <BR> <BR> I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! <BR> <BR> I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane. <BR> <BR> It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone! Sat, 8 Feb 2014 19:52:38 EST Groaner I am embarrassed to put this up here, but it is such a Groaner felt maybe I should. Did I say I was embarrassed? Beyond that. I know I'll be sorry. Here goes. <BR> <BR> Hungry Robins <BR> <BR> Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one. " <BR> <BR> Me, too", said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." <BR> <BR> They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.... Fri, 7 Feb 2014 20:15:48 EST Speeding Ticket An officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." <BR> <BR> The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." <BR> <BR> Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." <BR> <BR> As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for <BR> ... Thu, 6 Feb 2014 19:25:33 EST Cops Say The Darndest Things Cops Say the Darndest Things! <BR> <BR> #16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through." <BR> <BR> #15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while." <BR> <BR> #14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." <BR> <BR> #13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." <BR> <BR> #12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the spee... Wed, 5 Feb 2014 02:15:31 EST No Joke Qualities of Leadership <BR> <BR> Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics: <BR> <BR> 29 have been accused of spousal abuse <BR> 7 have been arrested for fraud <BR> 19 have been accused of writing bad checks <BR> 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses <BR> 3 have been arrested for assault <BR> 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit <BR> 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges <BR> 8 have been arrest... Tue, 4 Feb 2014 00:28:59 EST Car Hijacking Foiled Carjacking <BR> <BR> An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her lungs that she "knows how to use it and will shoot if required.... so get out of MY car!" <BR> <BR> The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers s... Sun, 2 Feb 2014 20:08:11 EST Angry Neighbor Angry Neighbor <BR> <BR> A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his neighbor storms out of the house straight to the mailbox, opens it, slams it shut and storms back in. <BR> <BR> A little later the neighbor storms out and does the exact same thing again, before storming back in even more red-faced. <BR> <BR> As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, out the neighbor comes again, marches to the mail box, opens it before slamming it closed harder than ever. <BR> <BR> Puzzle... Tue, 28 Jan 2014 18:19:26 EST The Limo The Limo <BR> <BR> The Pope was getting into his limo one night when he turned to the limo driver and said, "Before I die, I would love to drive this beautiful limo just once." <BR> <BR> "Well, here," the limo driver says, "Take the wheel, Your Holiness!" <BR> <BR> Further down the road, the limo is stopped by a policeman who looks in the window, goes back to his squad car, calls dispatch and says, "I just pulled over someone real important and I don't know what to do." <BR> <BR> "Well... Mon, 27 Jan 2014 19:44:41 EST Smart Wife Personal Secretary <BR> <BR> A guy walked into his friend's office. He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed. <BR> <BR> "Hey, what's up with you?", he asked. <BR> <BR> "Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me." <BR> <BR> "Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?" <BR> <BR> "Neither. He's bald." <BR> Sat, 25 Jan 2014 19:41:40 EST Sarahella Sarahrella <BR> <BR> After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them." <BR> <BR> Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled. <BR> <BR> Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged. <BR> <BR> The mother, with a glance do... Thu, 23 Jan 2014 21:47:38 EST Warning Alcohol Consumption Warning <BR> <BR> - The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. <BR> <BR> - The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. <BR> <BR> - The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. <BR> <BR> - The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. <BR> <BR> - The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dyi... Sat, 18 Jan 2014 21:14:27 EST The Verdict The Verdict <BR> <BR> The DA stared at the jury, unable to believe the "not guilty" verdict he'd just heard. Bitterly, he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?" <BR> <BR> The foreman answered, "Insanity." <BR> <BR> The attorney responded, still incredulous, "I could understand that. But, all twelve of you?" <BR> Tue, 14 Jan 2014 18:03:40 EST Drinking Note: These are not my views on this subject. Note authors. Interesting. <BR> <BR> <BR> I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits <BR> <BR> 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --Stephen Wright <BR> <BR> When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven... --Brian O'Rourke <BR> <BR> When I read ... Sat, 21 Dec 2013 17:39:33 EST Christmas Carols Christmas Carols For Psychiatric Patients <BR> <BR> Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear? <BR> <BR> Multiple Personalities: We Three Queens Disoriented Are <BR> <BR> Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me! <BR> <BR> Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas <BR> <BR> Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming to Town (to Get Me) <BR> <BR> Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and...... Fri, 20 Dec 2013 10:36:12 EST The Lie Detector Robot A father buys a lie detector robot; it slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out on his son at supper. <BR> <BR> "Where were you last night?" <BR> <BR> "I was at the library." <BR> <BR> robot slaps son <BR> <BR> "OK, OK," the boy says, rubbing his arm. "I was at Jerry's house." <BR> <BR> "Doing what?" asks the mother. <BR> <BR> "Watching a movie. Toy Story." <BR> <BR> robot slaps son <BR> <BR> "OK, it was porn!" cried the son. <BR> <BR> Father yells: "What? When ... Tue, 10 Dec 2013 11:39:13 EST Girls Night Out Girls Night Out, <BR> <BR> Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek! <BR> <BR> Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek. <BR> <BR> In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pul... Mon, 9 Dec 2013 22:18:09 EST