PRINCESSALEXA's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=PRINCESSALEXA PRINCESSALEXA's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ SIZE OF TASTING MY FOOD AND MY LIFE http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5015253 Happy New Day!!! Happy Tasting Tuesday!!! & Happy Day 3 of Renewing Our Pledge To Love Ourselves & Our Bodies!!! <BR> <BR> On Mondays I have to remind myself to eat and not go into my old mind-set of Starvation-Diet Monday. <BR> <BR> Tuesdays I have to remind myself to TASTE MY FOOD & MY LIFE, because the more I taste my food when I eat it, and allow myself to enjoy it, the less food I need to eat. <BR> <BR> Likewise, the more I taste my life the more I am present in the moment and appr... Tue, 14 Aug 2012 14:21:45 EST Happy Day 3 of our VALENTINES' MONTH CELEBRATION OF SELF-LOVE http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4720672 HAPPY DAY 3 OF VALENTINES' MONTH CELEBRATION!!!! & Happy Fun Friday!!! <BR> <BR> Did you buy yourself flowers yesterday? Do you have anything fun planned for today? <BR> <BR> Now I am going to throw out a VALENTINES' MONTH CELEBRATION challenge, however, it is only if you feel that you can do this in a way that feels safe and not too scary and will not cause any problems with your health if you are on a medically prescribed diet, wow a lot of lead up for "BUY YOURSELF A CANDY BAR" . <BR>... Fri, 3 Feb 2012 15:38:05 EST DAY 2 OF MY VALENTINES' MONTH CELEBRATION OF SELF-LOVE http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4719119 <BR> Happy Day 2 of our VALENTINES' MONTH CELEBRATION OF SELF-LOVE!!!!! <BR> <BR> Have you ever bought yourself flowers? <BR> <BR> If so, when was the last time you did so? <BR> <BR> They need not be expensive, buy them on the street, but buy them!!!! <BR> <BR> Today I am buying myself some sunflowers!!!! <BR> <BR> It is more about the gesture towards yourself than it is about the flowers. <BR> <BR> We do not need to wait until someone buys us flowers. I have received flowers from me... Thu, 2 Feb 2012 18:30:56 EST Size Of My Valentine http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4716445 It is February 1, 2012 and I am sending out a Valentine, <BR> to a very important person in my life, ME !!!! <BR> <BR> I am inviting you to join me in a "FEBRUARY VALENTINE'S CELEBRATION OF SELF-LOVE!!!" <BR> <BR> What if one day at a time, starting today, and for the month of February, we each gave ourselves permission to engage in a love affair with ourselves? <BR> <BR> What would today be like if you stopped holding back from loving yourself, and treated yourself like you were everyth... Wed, 1 Feb 2012 12:26:12 EST Size Of Accepting I Did Not Cause It, Cannot Cure It, And Cannot Change It http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4705791 <BR> I just found out my dad is in the hospital form profuse rectal bleeding, sorry if that is a shi*** thing to share. Being the good little co-dependent daughter of an alcoholic, my first thought goes something like this "Oh no, my book went on sale on Saturday and now the book and I are killing my father". Intellectually, I know this is not true. Firstly, I told my father several months ago about the book, and if it was going to kill him it would have been then, because he was , at first ... Thu, 26 Jan 2012 18:50:43 EST Size Of Time-Out Thursday http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4705787 Happy Time-out Thursday!!! Put yourself at the top of your priority list!!!!!! take time-out for you.Karen Cigna Thu, 26 Jan 2012 18:48:10 EST MY BOOK: THE SIZE OF MY LIFE http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4705785 THE SIZE OF MY LIFE Chapter 13: "....eventaully I pretended the incident never happened, that is how it was with my parents. They acted out and said and did anything they wanted to me. And ultimately even if I yelled or argued, I ate everything they dished out. I ate figuratievly and literally. Our relationships were base on their terms, until they were not, which was when I learned to establish my own boundaries." Karen Cigna Thu, 26 Jan 2012 18:46:31 EST Size Of Scales http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4705782 <BR> We are so much more than the size of our body!!!! A scale can not weigh all of the difficult challenges we have survived: it can not weigh a job well done at school, work , or a creative project accomplished; it cannot weigh love shared with family, friends and significant others; it cannot weigh having laughed so hard, that your belly hurts; it cannot weigh the value of legs that have held you up through thick and thin, that have taken you dancing, and running: a scale cannot weigh the... Thu, 26 Jan 2012 18:45:30 EST SIZE OF MY LIFE http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4703843 HERE IS MY STORY ABOUT THE SIZE OF MY LIFE Wed, 25 Jan 2012 17:37:20 EST Size Of My Voice http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4702522 Several years ago I signed up for Spark People and started sharing my voice through my blog posts, and it gave me the courage to speak and write. <BR> <BR> Now I have self published a book named THE SIZE OF MY LIFE, which is based on my belief that: <BR> <BR> "THE SIZE OF MY LIFE IS NOT DEFINED BY THE SIZE OF MY BODY" or for that matter "the size of my bank account ,my job status, my home, car vacations, or any other external value that I or others have chosen to value me by. <BR> <BR> 'TH... Wed, 25 Jan 2012 04:40:07 EST Size of Hearing My Own Heart http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4527896 After so many years of starving and stuffing away my feelings it is hard to hear my own heart and to trust it. <BR> <BR> I find myself feeling totally disconnected from my husband, which has been going on for 3 years now, and I find my self ready to take actions based on these feelings. And then, at times, I hear that the majority of married couples, whom I know, feel this way, and it confuses me. <BR> <BR> Of course, it is, really, only relevant what I feel in my own narraige. <BR> <BR> ... Mon, 10 Oct 2011 06:39:58 EST Size Of Independence Day http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4340230 Is there an area in your life where you are striving for greater Independence? <BR> <BR> Whether it is from a relationship you are in with another person; or something from your past; self-destructive behaviors and choices; self-sabotage; self-hate, etc...? <BR> <BR> If you are embrace Independence Day, July 4, to celbrate your own personal fight for independence as well as that of our country, the USA. Mon, 4 Jul 2011 10:34:28 EST Size Of My Life: Size Of Abandoning Myself and Failing to Nurture Myself http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4330538 Size Of My Life: Size Of Abandoning Myself and Failing to Nurture Myself <BR> <BR> Seventeen (17) years ago, when I decided that Bulimia (binging and purging) were no longer an acceptable option for dealing with my weight and the size of my body, I started on a journey of learning how to nurture myself. <BR> <BR> When I look at how I have lived most of my life, it is not surprising that I have struggled with anorexic behavior, bulimia and compulsive overeating, because most of my life I di... Wed, 29 Jun 2011 11:56:37 EST size Of My Beautiful Body http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4329291 Size of My Life: Size Of Beautiful <BR> Do you think you are beautiful? <BR> <BR> When you look in the mirror do you recognize and welcome the reflection of the person looking back at you, yourself? <BR> <BR> Do you appreciate that reflection? <BR> <BR> What about the size of your body? <BR> <BR> Is there, or are there parts of your body that you do not like, that you loathe, that you have even thought you would just slice off if you could? <BR> <BR> For years, I thought I was ugly. <BR... Tue, 28 Jun 2011 21:42:16 EST Size Of My Jeans http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4328278 Size Of My Life <BR> I can look back on moments of my life and remember exactly what I was wearing and what I was thinking about my body size, this freaks me out and reassures me at the same time. <BR> <BR> It freaks me out, because it is hard to believe that "what I was wearing and thinking about my body size" is what was at the forefront at many moments in my life. <BR> <BR> It reassures me because it tells my truth, which is that obsessing about food, weight and body size has been as nat... Tue, 28 Jun 2011 13:00:07 EST size Of A Messed Up Metabolism http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4328269 Size Of My Life <BR> <BR> I had to accept that from my years of yo-yo dieting, periods of starving and bulimia, that I had completley messed up my metabolism. <BR> <BR> Our metabolism works best when it is receiving several small meals and snacks a day, which you may know. <BR> <BR> ANY TIME WE STARVE OR UNDEREAT for extended periods, WE SLOW DOWN OUR METABOLISM, because our body is smarter than we are. <BR> <BR> The body will react to any perception of starving by slowing down the meta... Tue, 28 Jun 2011 12:55:56 EST Size Of A House Guest http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4328256 During the Easter/Passover Holidays, I had a house guest coming and my stomach was hurting. Below follows something I wrote at that time: <BR> <BR> It is always amazing to me, just how much I feel my emotions in the pit of my stomach. <BR> <BR> I love this person very much and the person has a lot of great qualities, but they also have an eating disorder. <BR> <BR> If the person is not binging on food they are on a rigid diet and/or are starving themself. <BR> <BR> So let's start out wit... Tue, 28 Jun 2011 12:47:41 EST Size Of Going To MY first OA Meeting http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4328191 Size Of My Life <BR> that is amazing that you are admitting being addcited to food, that is a large step and truth to come by!!! <BR> <BR> Go to the OA meeting!! There is a saying at meetings "Take what you like and leave the rest". There is likely to be something you hear there that eases your mind, makes you feel hopeful, makes you know you are not alone with food addiction. <BR> <BR> Going to my first meeting was very hard, because I really did not have a correct idea of what I would fin... Tue, 28 Jun 2011 12:27:17 EST Dear Diary, it is May 1981, I am 16 years old: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4328179 Eating Disorder Diary <BR> Dear Diary, it is May 1981, I am 16 years old: <BR> <BR> My dad has not been home in 2 weeks, since he said that he was leaving. <BR> <BR> Are my parents finally getting the divorce that they have been talking about for as long as I can remember? <BR> <BR> I am sitting out on the concrete stoop at 36 Bay 37th Street, Brooklyn, New York, in front of the two family house we live in. <BR> <BR> My thoughts are interrupted by th El, the elevated B train passing by, a... Tue, 28 Jun 2011 12:19:54 EST Size Of Falling In Love http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4328169 Size Of Falling In Love <BR> <BR> Today,as I was driving through the Dunkin Donuts drive through, at 6:30 am, on my way to my very posh gym "Planet Fitness", 10 dollars a month, I can't afford not to, I was thinking about love. <BR> <BR> Why at Dunkin Donuts? <BR> <BR> Well I do love dunkin Donutso ice coffee (extra ice, a little bit of whole milk, and 2 sweet and low just for the taste of it), it is my last allowed addiiction. <BR> <BR> I was then thinking about how much I love my daught... Tue, 28 Jun 2011 12:15:06 EST Size Of Eating At The Refrigerator http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4328167 My favorite non-fiction author, Geneen Roth wrote "If you are eating at the refrigerator pull up a chair". <BR> <BR> She even went on to write a book with that as a title. <BR> <BR> <BR> Her point is, many people think if they just stand at the refrigerator and eat "the eating does not count", it is an unconcious eating. <BR> <BR> Geneen proposes that we be mindful and concious whenever we are eating, especially, when we are about to eat out of the refrigerator, engange in a binge, or an... Tue, 28 Jun 2011 12:12:38 EST Dear Diary, it is June 1995, I am 30 years old: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4328154 Dear Diary, it is June 1995, I am 30 years old: <BR> <BR> Is this really happening to me? <BR> <BR> I hated my body at a size "2", how could I let myself get soooooo fat that I have to go shopping in a fat woman store? <BR> <BR> This cannot be happening to me! <BR> <BR> Ok, I just want to cry. <BR> <BR> Wait a second, didn't I just write myself a note in the book I was reading "When Women Stop Hating Their Body", that said "Karen you have to go to a plus-sized store because you have DIET... Tue, 28 Jun 2011 12:08:05 EST Size Of Two Steps forward and One Step Back http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4328130 Size Of My Life <BR> Size Of Two Steps Forward and One Step Backward <BR> <BR> Yesterday I wrote about falling in love with myself, after all of these years of being at war with myself. <BR> <BR> Yesterday, I also experienced feeling as if , I truly loved myself, so of course today, I felt nervous that I was going to get caner, my house was going to burn down or some other catastrophe awaited me. <BR> <BR> After all, "Who am I to feel so good about myself and my life?" <BR> <BR> "If I f... Tue, 28 Jun 2011 12:00:32 EST Dear Diary I am 26 years old: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4314693 Dear diary: <BR> <BR> I hate myself. <BR> <BR> I am living with my dad for the first time in 6 years, and for the first time since he is sober. <BR> ... <BR> I am so overwhelmed with my feelings, I think I am losing my mind. <BR> <BR> I am so sad that my parents are divorced; that when they were together their marriage was abusive and chaotic; that my dad is now going to be living with a woman, at the end of July, and her thirteen year old daughter, and he will have a new family. <BR> <BR... Wed, 22 Jun 2011 03:19:45 EST Dear Diary I am 23 years old: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4314692 Dear Diary: <BR> <BR> I have a spare pair of underware in my pocketbook and my tooth brush. <BR> <BR> I am going to sleep with, and probably sleep over the condo of, the first guy since my break-up with my boyfriend. <BR> ... <BR> The first time I had sex I wanted it to be with someone I loved, so I waited, until I fell in love and believed I was loved back. <BR> <BR> Tonight, I intend to sleep with someone I just met a week ago. I barely know him. He is really not my type, but I need to ... Wed, 22 Jun 2011 03:18:19 EST Size Of Mother's Day http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4314690 There was a time I thought my body had betrayed me, not because of its size, but because I could not get pregnant. <BR> <BR> It was ironic that the very thing I spent so many years trying not to do, get pregnant, was the one thing I could not seem to... do, when I wanted to. <BR> <BR> Kenny and I went through three failed In Vitro Fertilizations, I felt as if I was a science experiment, gone wrong. <BR> <BR> Getting pregnant 6 months after we decided to give up trying to get pregnant was... Wed, 22 Jun 2011 03:15:38 EST Dear Diary I am 11 years old: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4314688 Dear Diary, June 1976, Day Of My School Trip <BR> <BR> I am 11 years old, and as long as I can remember, my mother has been a nervous wreck. <BR> <BR> I know she can't help herself, but it sucks. <BR> ... <BR> I have to get out of bed and get dressed for my school trip today. <BR> I know exactly what I am going to wear, white jeans, sneakers, and a light yellow and sea green top. <BR> <BR> I need to start moving, but I can't seem to move, I am excited about the amusement park I love rolle... Wed, 22 Jun 2011 03:13:58 EST Size of Facebook http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4314686 If you are on facebook, please "like" my page "Size Of My Life" and become a fan. Wed, 22 Jun 2011 03:12:17 EST Dear Diary I am 16 years old: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4314682 <BR> Eating Disorder Diary Eating Disorder Diary <BR> Dear Diary, it is May 1981, I am 16 years old: <BR> <BR> My dad has not been home in 2 weeks, since he said that he was leaving. <BR> <BR> Are my parents finally getting the divorce that they have been talking about for as long as I can remember? <BR> <BR> I am sitting out on the concrete stoop at 36 Bay 37th Street, Brooklyn, New York, in front of the two family house we live in. <BR> <BR> My thoughts are interrupted by th El, the el... Wed, 22 Jun 2011 03:09:14 EST Size Of Spring http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4314680 How is the size of your life? <BR> <BR> This is such a gorgeous time of year and yet it is that time of year where many people find the size of their body lacking. <BR> <BR> It is that time of year where it is time for short sleeve shirts, shorts and bathing sui...ts to come out of hiding, as well as our body which has been hidden under heavy sweaters and long pants. <BR> <BR> Now what? <BR> <BR> For so many years I had a love-hate relationship with this time of year, for all the above me... Wed, 22 Jun 2011 03:06:00 EST Size Of Loving A Child http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4314675 On March 29, 1993, one of my best friends had her first child, a beautiful baby girl, who she named Alyssa. She was the first of my friends to have a child, let alone a little girl. <BR> <BR> I was very excited for her. However, I was ...in my third ...year of law school, so what did I know about babies. <BR> <BR> I was busy writing three papers for graduation, competing in Mock Trial Competitions, working full time in an international law firm, which had already offered me an Associate Po... Wed, 22 Jun 2011 03:04:36 EST Dear Diary, it is 1992, I am in my 2nd year of lawschool, I am 27 years old: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4314669 Dear Diary, it is 1992, I am in my 2nd year of lawschool, I am 27 years old: <BR> <BR> I am such a mess. <BR> <BR> My food has been so good for the last 2 weeks, I had no urge to overeat or have any junk food. <BR> ... <BR> If anything I have been undereating. <BR> <BR> But not today, today I am a fat disgusting pig. <BR> <BR> Today, I am on my way to my mother's apartment, via public transportation, and I can not stop eating. <BR> <BR> When I got off the first bus I bought and ate 4 can... Wed, 22 Jun 2011 02:52:28 EST Dear Diary, It is April 13, 2011, and I am 46 years old: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4163517 Dear Diary: <BR> Today I have been fighting "fat feelings" all day long. Although I have taken that word out of my concious vocabulary, the word began whispering to me this morning, and then started screaming at me. <BR> <BR> I know it really is not about...... the size of my body. <BR> <BR> It is about feeling overwhelmed by everything else in my life. Mostly, how lonely I feel. <BR> <BR> Lonely in a crowd of people. <BR> <BR> Lonely with 601 facebook friends, lonely with a gorgeous, ... Wed, 13 Apr 2011 15:44:50 EST Size Of Being Comfortable In My Skin http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4158218 As I often share, I did not love myself more when I was a size 2 or a size 26. <BR> <BR> The reason why is that it was never about the size of my body, it was always about the size of my life. <BR> <BR> The key to the size of my life is knowing and voicing what is in my heart. <BR> <BR> I had to diet all the way up the scale to 266 pounds and finally accept that I would not be defined by the siZe of my body, before I could actually care enough about myself enough to take care of myself. <B... Mon, 11 Apr 2011 13:44:14 EST Size Of Running The New York City Half Marathon http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4128229 The Size Of My Life keeps expanding as I refuse to define the size of my life by the size of my body. <BR> <BR> In January I decided I wanted to make a bigger commitment to running so I decided to consider running planned runs, with the New York Road Runners. I became a member and found out about the NYC Half Marathon. <BR> <BR> Of course, it felt scary to sign up, because I knew once I did I would expect myself to follow through. <BR> <BR> I needed it to be very personal and very private ... Wed, 30 Mar 2011 02:11:03 EST Size Of Moving Forward http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4000046 I was stuck. <BR> <BR> For years, I was stuck in my eating disorder. <BR> <BR> Then even as I moved forward, through my eating disorder, I became stuck again, stuck in the fear of what is next. <BR> <BR> <BR> Today, I know that I have to be willing to find out what is next and be willing to do it despite any fear. <BR> <BR> I had become discouraged writing on Spark People because I felt everyone else was writing it or saying it better. <BR> <BR> This feeling that "I can not do it good e... Tue, 8 Feb 2011 05:52:47 EST Size Of Being Valued By The Men In My Life http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3181591 I have lost a lot of weight over the last two and one half years. <BR> <BR> I went through a lot of internal changes before I let go of that weight. <BR> <BR> Those changes, took longer than the two years, mostly because every time I knew my own truths I was scared and used the weight to protect myself.... See More <BR> <BR> One of the most important changes I went through before loosing the weight was realizing that it was never going to matter if I was a size 2 or a size 26 if I did not ... Sat, 1 May 2010 08:39:10 EST Size Of My Husband Valuing Me http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3181582 Here is a continuation of my story about the above-described man who could not value me. <BR> <BR> He is the man I married. <BR> <BR> When I married my husband, I was in recovery for bulimia for four years, I was learning how to eat without vomitting and without starving, because starving, usually led to binging which led to vomitting.... See More <BR> <BR> My size had increased from a size 2, when I had first met him, to a size 18. <BR> <BR> That is not the route everyone must go to gi... Sat, 1 May 2010 08:36:24 EST Size Of My Life: Size Of What I Take Away From Myself http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2887143 Here is a question I posed on my facebook page "Size Of My Life", feel free to become a fan! <BR> <BR> Following the question are several replies , including my own. <BR> <BR> What do you take away from yourself? For example, what do you give yourself credit for one day, or feel proud of, or feel happy about one day and then minimize the next day? <BR> <BR> Madeline Replied----Wow that's a good thing to think about because I definitely do that. I can be my own worse critic and it is very ... Tue, 16 Feb 2010 03:07:34 EST Size Of My Life: Size Of Self-Loathing http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2862719 ****This comment was my reply on another blog to a young woman who is unhappy with her body size and scars she has on her arms from engaging in self-mutilation , also known as cutting. she is so unhappy with her appearance she does not want to celebrate her birthday. I thought it was worth sharing because there is not one of us who has not dealt with insecurities about our appearance.***** <BR> <BR> The fact that you are telling the truth about how you "feel about yourself", means you can co... Tue, 9 Feb 2010 19:29:03 EST Size Of My Life: Size Of Learning Not to Binge http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2847188 A facebook friend asked me for "Advice" on not binging, and this is what I shared with that person. <BR> <BR> Of course, it is my own experience and merely suggestions as to how I dealt with overcoming binging. <BR> <BR> As always I remind everyone that you "can take what you like and leave the rest". <BR> <BR> I am sharing relevant portions of my reply to that person here. Of course, I will not disclose that person's name now or at any other time. <BR> <BR> MY REPLY : To someone who s... Sat, 6 Feb 2010 01:18:00 EST Size Of My Life: Size Of My Emotional Barometer http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2842731 Today, I often look at my eating disorder/ food/weight /body size addiction as a barometer of the pressure I put myself under and the emotions I am experiencing. <BR> <BR> While I believe we are all beautiful at any size, I also believe and understand wanting to be in the size body that feels true to ourselves. <BR> <BR> Part of what finally got me out of my own way was just saying to myself, "although part of me believes I will never be able to trust my own body to help regulate my eating... Thu, 4 Feb 2010 22:53:51 EST Size Of My Life: Size Of Sparkpeople Friendships http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2833716 I have to apologize to everyone I have been on a hiatus from my spark friends, and of course, the one that ends up hurting the most is me, because you are all so full of positive energy and support. <BR> <BR> I have really been struggling with my marriage. <BR> <BR> I will share a lot of my current writing with you all, but I was unable to bring myself to post here for a while. <BR> <BR> Sorry for my hiatus, I hope you are all doing well and look forward to seeing you here on Sparkpeople. Wed, 3 Feb 2010 00:59:22 EST Size Of My Life: Size Of Telling Myself My Truth http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2833706 It amazed me how much space I had in my mind to let other things in when I gave up obsessing about the size of my body, my weight, starving, dieting, binging. <BR> <BR> Of course, I always have to be on the look out that I do not trade one obsession or compulsion for another, and in the past I have. <BR> <BR> Telling my own truth includes admitting that even as recently as a month ago, I was too focused on another person when I should have been telling the truth about my own hard realities ... Wed, 3 Feb 2010 00:55:54 EST Size Of Relationships http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2580045 The size of my relationships is based on my ability to be present in the relationships and work through them. <BR> <BR> Every relationship involves a give and take transaction, whether it is the daily hello to the person you buy your coffee from at work, or the school-bus driver you hand your kid over to at the beginning of the day, or the daily interactions between you and your significant other, you and your children, and you and your friends. <BR> <BR> These days, I find that beyond th... Sun, 22 Nov 2009 05:19:19 EST The Size Of Drama In The Alcoholic Home http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2576893 In the past, the size of my life was affected by the size of the drama of alcoholism in my childhood home. <BR> <BR> I lived in a world comprised of food addiction and obsessing about my weight and body size because it made me feel like I had control over something, in a home where I had control over nothing. <BR> <BR> Holes punched through walls, with "Home Sweet Home" signs , ironically enough, covering the holes. <BR> <BR> The physical and mental presence of the sign, denying the figh... Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:13:44 EST The Size Of Thanksgiving http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2574305 When I was a kid, the size of Thanksgiving was measured by the size of the quantity of food on the table. <BR> <BR> In fact, my friends of Italian descent and I would compare menus, listing the different foods paraded forward at the Thanksgiving table. <BR> <BR> Why particularly my friends of Italian descent? <BR> <BR> Because, if you are Italian, you may have had the experience of Thanksgiving, an American holiday, including the preparation of not only the traditional American meal but ... Thu, 19 Nov 2009 12:18:59 EST The Size Of Being Loved http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2571825 I grew up believing I had to be a certain body size to be loved. <BR> <BR> If I could just reach a certain weight and maintain it my parents would stop fighting and punching holes through the wall. <BR> <BR> The boy, or later on in life, the man I loved would love me back if I was just the right size. <BR> <BR> Mind you when I started thinking this I was not even overweight, I weighed 115 pounds at the height of 5 feet 4 inches. <BR> <BR> It was never about the weight. <BR> <BR> It wa... Wed, 18 Nov 2009 13:48:05 EST The Size Of A Leap Of Faith http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2560671 Today, I was talking to a close friend, who has been very supportive through the last several years of my journey of overcoming food, weight and body size addiction; and I told her I knew I could continue on this path until my body finds its natural healthy weight. <BR> <BR> For me, my body's natural healthy weight will be based on feeding myself on the demand of physical hunger as opposed to psychological hunger and giving my body the gift of a balanced amount of exercise. <BR> <BR> I th... Sat, 14 Nov 2009 11:31:30 EST The Size Of True Acceptance http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2560596 Today, and maybe just for today, I truly accept all of my feelings. <BR> <BR> I accept them enough to know that there is not necessarily an answer to what to do with them or about them, of course, other than NOT EAT. <BR> <BR> The acceptance of them frees me up to show up for my life and be present in the daily management of my life. <BR> <BR> The acceptance takes the edge off of the feelings, makes them feel less urgent, less overwhelming. <BR> <BR> However, it does not take away the... Sat, 14 Nov 2009 10:49:31 EST