PORTERBELLA1's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=PORTERBELLA1 PORTERBELLA1's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ Anger in the locker room http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5651784 This is probably more rant than blog, but, I felt I had to tell someone and what better place than SparkPeople? <BR> <BR> So I'm in the locker room at the gym, two corners with lockers, one a large corner for 4 or so and one where maybe 2 people can change away from view if they know each other or don't mind getting to know each other. There is also a big open space in the middle. There's a woman on her cell phone in the bigger corner (and I hate that) and in the smaller corner, trying to o... Wed, 19 Mar 2014 17:41:55 EST What am I afraid of? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5610267 I have my 2014 resolutions framed on my dresser. And rightfully so, they are big ones this year. I will read all the novels of my favorite author, learn French (from scratch) well enough to pass a thorough (beginner) proficiency test, publish some of my poetry and send a contributor's copy to my family, and lose the last 20 pounds I feel are necessary (already down 40 and in serious plateauville for months at one point, this one is the most difficult I would say). <BR> <BR> Life doesn't aff... Thu, 30 Jan 2014 13:36:41 EST Establishing accountability! (Again) http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5603621 Teams of 5 co-workers <BR> <BR> 6 weeks <BR> <BR> A gym staff who knows me by name, remembers when I don't show up, and cares enough to call me out. <BR> <BR> 3 legs - 190 miles on the elliptical, 126 miles on the treadmill, 153 miles on bike between us. <BR> <BR> CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/9/3/l931621048.jpg"> Thu, 23 Jan 2014 17:47:56 EST Getting back into gear http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5508214 May 2013, after 8 months or so, I found myself at my lowest weight as an adult. I was so happy that I double cardioed that day out of pure joy. The summer came. And with all the vacations and distractions I put my journey on hold with the promise to myself that I would maintain where I was. I gained 3 pounds, which, going to a shore house filled with booze and pizza every weekend, I counted as a half success really. <BR> <BR> Since the end of the summer, I've been back at the gym, earning 2... Tue, 8 Oct 2013 17:47:43 EST Happy Anniversary - la première partie ("the first part") ((I think)) http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5455226 A year ago today I got my heart broken. We didn't date long, he didn't do anything to betray me, there's no sob story to tell. In reality, it shouldn't have been that bad, but, well, it just was. I've been with people far longer and cried far fewer tears. I guess if emotions made sense they would be logic. <BR> <BR> And I cried. And I ate. And I cried. And I drank. And I cried. And I called out sick. <BR> <BR> I saw the doctor because I didn't sleep for 4 days as intense migraines crept i... Wed, 14 Aug 2013 15:38:50 EST Promises, nerves, and rice cakes http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5417719 I've been on coast for most of this year. I haven't given up, I just hit the pause button on my progress for a bit. About a month ago I started hitting the gym again. That was a wrong number at 4:00 am rude awakening. The weight hadn't come back (thank heavens) but I just felt different, like I had lost all of my momentum, like things that were second nature were almost foreign. I can already feel that getting better, but, it's been tough to start again. <BR> <BR> Early on I promised myself... Thu, 11 Jul 2013 10:33:55 EST Life lesson http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5246563 In my many years at this, I've heard a lot about the difference between diet and life change, short term and long term, willpower and plain power, and I have always ignored it. Change is hard. Temporary is less frightening than permanent. It was always just easier to think about my diet until I was done dieting. But. That's how I keep getting heavy, isn't it? <BR> <BR> I guess I never really thought about the bigger picture. I never treated this like recovery, like a journey toward somethin... Mon, 11 Feb 2013 14:49:25 EST Nooooooo http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5233527 I just did this whole blog entry. It was great! I ended it in a less than 3 heart. I got a "no HTML please". OK, ooops, so I hit Return To Blog and it got eaten. Very sad panta. Fri, 1 Feb 2013 16:59:05 EST What do you want to do tonight? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5223309 I am a very social creature. On the average night I am out singing karaoke, or playing bar trivia, out to dinner with friends, birthday parties, etc. In the summertime, I am down the shore in a house of 18 or so friends every weekend. Life is hectic and crowded and good. <BR> <BR> All of this translates to booze and food and food and booze. Repeat. <BR> <BR> There are also many circles of friends so when I try to politely say I am working on myself and I would prefer not to spend the 4th ... Fri, 25 Jan 2013 15:56:10 EST Making room for a new reality http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5211451 My desire for too much permeates every aspect of my life. As does my trepidation about say "no"to myself. My weight loss journey has helped somewhat, I started by eating the same amounts of better foods, but with time I have learned that if I do want cake, it can be eaten in mouthfuls rather than platefuls and that a bag of chips is not necessarily one serving size. And I have come to find in this way that I don't really miss as much as I thought I would. <BR> <BR> But what about the other ... Thu, 17 Jan 2013 11:39:42 EST Accountability http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5207170 I live alone. I come home at night to an empty apartment that I try not to fill with junk food and excessive TV watching. I have a lot of friends. They love me. <em>247</em> They expect me to go out with them 8 nights a week. I balance it alright I think, but, it seems like there are a lot of things I want to do, weight loss included, but it's not the whole story, and I let everything get in the way. <BR> <BR> And why not? This journey is for me right? I don't have deadlines or a boss o... Mon, 14 Jan 2013 18:24:23 EST time. jeans. and a mother's faith. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5194039 Several years ago there was a store Steve and Barry's where they sold discount athletic wear. Sarah Jessica Parker had a clothing line there called Bitten, with "real woman sizes" that all, apparently, ran notoriously small and were just size 2s with some extra fabric. Well, when the store was closing for good, and the jeans were $5.00 a pair, I did not know this reputation. Not having my size, why would they?, I bought 2 pairs of "incentive jeans" a size, maybe two, smaller than my body at t... Sun, 6 Jan 2013 23:03:16 EST I'm back, and I'm pretty thrilled! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5183932 I took a little break from eating right and working out over the holidays. I had a rational conversation with myself and I allowed it. I told myself that as long as I didn't go crazy that I could just be. And to my surprise, that's exactly what happened. <BR> <BR> I'm up maybe a pound (time of day depending). And wow, am I ever OK with that? It used to be that whenever I stopped, for a vacation or just frustration, or life got in the way, that it was like those Spring Break DVDs. Girls Gone... Tue, 1 Jan 2013 13:20:43 EST A little down today. . . http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5158118 I couldn't even tell you why. I think that's the worst of it. But I am going to just talk it out for a bit and see what happens. . . <BR> <BR> My birthday is coming, and that may be part of it. I don't like getting older while I don't feel I am getting wiser. My career is stable but stagnant. I feel a lot of my life is that way. No news is good news is no longer good news. <BR> <BR> I am coming to realize that the vast majority of my social interaction surrounds bars. I've been trying to ... Thu, 6 Dec 2012 10:57:01 EST Giving Thanks http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5147373 I turned on my Wii over the holiday. I went to Wii Fit, remembering how much I loved it the last time I tried to do this. <BR> <BR> It had been 961 days since my last check in. 2 years, 8 months give or take. I came to find that I had not only put on the 20 pounds now gone within that seemingly short period of time, but, that I am only 1.2 pounds more than I was the last time I gave up. <BR> <BR> I could see a flat line from around that time. I didn't try to go back any further. I can't im... Mon, 26 Nov 2012 16:47:22 EST There's this guy. . . http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5135673 I was dating this man this summer, one of the sweetest men I've ever met. And then he dumped me. In the sweetest way possible. And then I ate. The sweetest foods I could get my hands on. <BR> <BR> And a few weeks later I was here. Sick and tired of turning into what I had temporarily become. Stuck somehow in this grey area between selflessness and being without self. Exhausted from the weight of so much more than my body. This poor body that was the target of my contempt when it has held up... Wed, 14 Nov 2012 21:22:43 EST My Spark feels out. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5127524 Bachelorette parties, weddings, birthdays, a huge storm, powerlessness, no gym, no internet workouts, no fitness on demand. . . and no discipline. <BR> <BR> I am drained of momentum. I am drained in general. I was doing so well and then. . . life happened. The tough start up part, I feel like I have to do that all over again. I feel sluggish and bloated and just like I did 2 months ago. <BR> <BR> And after the last few days I have bemoaned my absence in this process. I've tried to rally. ... Wed, 7 Nov 2012 16:18:11 EST Apathy, Empathy, and French Fries http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5112531 One of my friends just lost his grandfather to the double edged sword that is old age. 96. May his soul rest in Heaven. <BR> <BR> My friend is a Former Marine. He almost died overseas fighting for all of us. Now he has gained 90 pounds since he retired. I worry for him. Maybe it's transference, starting my journey at 60 pounds over a healthy BMI myself. It's just hard to watch someone who I know has so much fight in him do this to himself. I now feel for how people much have looked at me mo... Thu, 25 Oct 2012 13:55:32 EST Did that just happen? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5107047 My life is numbers. Education, career, even hobbies. I love their truth and their transparency. Words are the language of flowery artsy types (I am also a poet, so I can say that) and people looking to manipulate your point of view. But numbers, you can always trust numbers. <BR> <BR> So when everything I read about weight loss says "don't be so obsessed with the numbers" but also says "make sure the journey fits who you are" I find myself at a crossroads. the compromise is that I weigh mys... Sun, 21 Oct 2012 12:35:28 EST Struggling with patience http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5105218 I want it all. <BR> <BR> I want it all yesterday! <BR> <BR> I would rather make a right on red and make an illegal u-turn than wait at a traffic light. <BR> <BR> I watch most TV on demend because I hate commercials. <BR> <BR> I multitask as the microwave does its job. <BR> <BR> It's been 5 weeks. I'm lighter but not smaller. I'm stronger but not tighter. I am starting to lose patience. <BR> <BR> I tell myself, this is your own health journey, it's a marathon not a sprint, I have m... Fri, 19 Oct 2012 17:21:23 EST Starting to own it! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5092906 I am one of those people that never learned to fail gracefully. I avoid people at all costs when things don't go in my favor. I wear a smile even when I want to cry. I throw my back out rather than ask for help moving a refrigerator. I'm of the school of thought that life is a battlefield and any show of weakness is an invitation to demise. <BR> <BR> For years I have dieted on and off on the complete down low. Why? Because almost every diet has failed me. So that makes sense, doesn't it? Bu... Tue, 9 Oct 2012 16:00:18 EST Just. . . I can't even. . . wow! ! ! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5086873 What seems now like three lifetimes ago, I was a tennis player. The little skirt, the high school body, the lungs of... I don't know someone who doesn't pant running to their car from the mall in the summer. I was an athlete. And I started this journey because I genuinely miss being an athlete. Maybe I won't get back to where I once was (it was again a long time ago), but I am confident that I can get a lot closer than I currently am. <BR> <BR> Over the weekend, I was heading to my local pa... Thu, 4 Oct 2012 17:15:54 EST My first almost set back. And then my second. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5066695 It's been a little over a week and I'm realizing that I may have started with a sprint rather than for a marathon. I do tend to get overexcited about things and go all in. It's kind of how I got here. But, it's me, and that's how I do things, and I suppose it's easier to recover from too much ambition than from not enough. Right? <BR> <BR> We had cake for Safety Day yesterday. (We have cake for seemingly everything!) I brought some back from the cafeteria during a meeting for my colleagues. ... Wed, 19 Sep 2012 16:51:32 EST Beer and Burger Night http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5055824 I have a long standing tradition with a group of friends on Tuesdays. We eat cheeseburgers and drink a lot of beer. (Somehow, I am the only overweight one.) Going into last night, I was nervous. I haven't shared my goals with my thinner friends, partly because I'd like to think they don't see me the way I see myself, but, mostly because I'm afraid to fail. Fear of failure is what has held me back to this point and I'm very sensitive to it. I've gotten over it somewhat for myself, I mean, so w... Wed, 12 Sep 2012 10:29:14 EST I'm so ready! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5053020 I saw this website 3 different times in the last 4 days. I'm starting to set goals for myself and finally love myself enough to make my health a priority. But, I know motivation for me is hard to sustain. I'm a singer, a poet, a friend to a ton of great people, a student of life and work a corporate 9-5 (lol!) job, so my weight has gotten away from me. <BR> <BR> I used to be almost 300 pounds and I promised myself NEVER again, but I am heading in the wrong direction. <BR> <BR> I just spen... Mon, 10 Sep 2012 17:33:18 EST