POPEYETHETURTLE's SparkPeople Blog

A Paraprosdokian Joke

Sun, 23 Dec 2012 17:05:30 EST

A Paraprosdokian is a statement or joke which at the end the statement or joke, the ending is not expected or it makes you think about how the story changed and is funny. Winston Churchill was a huge fan and in private used paraprosdokians often.

This paraprosdokian may be considered off-color by some, but anyone who reads my blog knows that I am a bit off-center, so it shouldn't surprise you too much.

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He ...

Efficient, or ..... ?

Sat, 22 Dec 2012 17:26:47 EST

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.

"You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it s...

Billable Hours

Thu, 20 Dec 2012 14:17:28 EST

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself."

The lawyer is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter.

"It's the least we can do for someone...

Grandpa's Pond

Wed, 12 Dec 2012 20:25:38 EST

My grandfather had farmed a fairly large farm south of Springfield, MO from way before my mom, his oldest daughter, was born. He was way before his time, and not even grandma could tell us why he had done it. He had a large pond in the back forty (over the hill), had it fixed up with picnic tables, two shelters, horseshoe pits, a basketball court, a big and a small grilling pit, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built and my mom, her brother and three sisters had visitors at th...

Sleeping Pills

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 15:29:00 EST

An elderly woman lived in a small town Arkansas and one day she went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

The receptionist's eyes popped wide open and she asked, "Excuse me?" The older woman repeated her reason for seeing the doctor, and the nurse said, "Dr. Forester has had a cancellation, but it will be at least 20 minutes before he can see you. Is ...

One for the Ladies - $5,000; $200; $1

Thu, 6 Dec 2012 14:21:09 EST

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a le...

More Women on Spark Than Men

Wed, 5 Dec 2012 22:56:35 EST

Everyone knows that there are many more women on Spark then there are men.
I was one of the first six people to start the largest team here on Spark. We gained members, but one by one, each of the other original six leaders left.

I did everything. I greeted new members; if anyone had questions about psyche meds, I would either get the information for them or give them a link to which site I thought provided the best answer; if they wanted to know if a particular side affect wa...

Some Sports History

Tue, 4 Dec 2012 17:40:22 EST

These are actual sports quotes said by various people.

Former Houston Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, “Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye.”

RB George Rogers was with the New Orleans Saints when he was asked about the upcoming season:”I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”

Upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the ‘Skins say “I’d run over my own mother to win...

Baseball - America's Pasttime. And Beyond

Mon, 3 Dec 2012 18:46:36 EST

Y'all may not know this about me, but I'm a huge baseball and girl's fast-pitch softball fan. I've dreamed of playing baseball and I've dreamed of watching my granddaughter playing on her high school girls softball team. The Bob in this story isn't me - I don't think.

Two buddies, Eric and Bob were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives (even going back to high school when Bob pitched and Eric caught). Eric and Bob discussed baseball histor...

Just the Facts, Ma'am

Sun, 2 Dec 2012 18:53:23 EST

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, â€œMom why have I got these huge three toed feet?â€

The mother replies, â€œWell son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sandâ€.

â€œOKâ€ said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, â€œMom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?â€

â€œThey are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desertâ€.

...

EuroEnglish

Sat, 1 Dec 2012 17:53:58 EST

Finally, the European Union has decided on a change that makes sense!

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications (French had been suggested by a few of the Commissioners because of its former status as the language of diplomacy, but when not even the French could agree, the motion was tabled), rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, H...

Male or Female?

Fri, 30 Nov 2012 19:43:23 EST

Over the past few yearsI have noticed while driving down the street a young woman walking down the sidewalk, only, much to my chagrin, to pass this person and find "he" is wearing a beard. I know I'm getting along in yearsw, But if you had told me at the age of 15 I wouldn't be able to tell the sex of someone walking down the street, I would have said you are crazy. I might even have gone to call you, "Nukkin' Futz!"

You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender: <...

Diagram This!

Tue, 18 Sep 2012 23:40:18 EST

I thought this was funny - but y'all know how different my sense of humor can be. This is also a challenge.

Read it through, then decide if, as indicated, I can be my own grandpa!

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.

One of them kept complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man said: “You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation:

“A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter.
...

Cock a Doodle DO

Mon, 17 Sep 2012 14:33:28 EST

Rating - SR (Slightly Risque)

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.

The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve this great rooster, named Randy. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Randy and takes the rooster home.

...

My Aunt Belle

Sat, 15 Sep 2012 20:57:42 EST

I got an email this morning from my Aunt Belle. She is 103 but still sharp as a whip, and while she can't live by herself, she lives in a group home. I thought it was amazing that someone her age had decided to learn something new, especially how to work on a computor - I know people my age, y'all know it was just water and rocks when I was born, who won't even try to use a computer.

I opened the email and was shocked at what she told me! Here is a copy of the email:

Dea...

The Politically Correct Answer is "Betty Crocker"

Fri, 14 Sep 2012 19:16:01 EST

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwren...

Dumb Shaggy Dog (?)

Wed, 12 Sep 2012 19:44:13 EST

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.”

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog’s mouth, there is a fifty dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag along with the change, and places it...

Comfortable

Tue, 11 Sep 2012 12:19:23 EST

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide t...

What Goes Around .....

Mon, 23 Jul 2012 21:36:05 EST

It was my grandson, Eli's 5th birthday and he was joyfully opening all the presents he received. Like his Dad, he opened packages by ripping off the bows, jerking off the ribbon around the package and making scrap-paper of the wrapping paper (except for the Spiderman wrapped packages - those he took apart very carefully).

Already reading some, before he even got into Kindergarten, he saved the biggest for last, so it took a while until he got to opening Grandpa and Grandma’s...

Antidisestablishmentarianism

Sun, 22 Jul 2012 13:16:47 EST

John dies and goes to Heaven. He meets St. Peter at the gate and asks him,
"How do I get into Heaven?"

St Pete: Spell "Love".

John: L - O - V - E

Pete: That's right, you may enter.

John: Boy, that was easy, are you sure that's all there is to it?

St Pete: Yup...by the way, I have to run an errand. Now that you are one of us, would you please watch the gate for me and if anyone comes just ask them to spell LOVE. If they spell it...

Men and Women Are Different

Sat, 21 Jul 2012 12:46:53 EST

A new sign in the Bank Lobby and at the drive-through ATM reads:

‘Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.’

Sweet!

Thu, 19 Jul 2012 16:11:53 EST

A single woman has identical twins and had to give them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.”

The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.”

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responded,

"They’re twins!

...

Why It's So Hard to Prove a DUI

Wed, 18 Jul 2012 21:06:47 EST

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I'm going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that test can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.”

“Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” ...

If the Lord's Flood Came Today

Tue, 17 Jul 2012 12:57:29 EST

This a prime example of my sense of humor. It's also a political statement. I know, we "supposedly" have a doctrine about the separation of church and state, but that's NOT what the Constitution says, so I (as a Strict Constructionist) don't feel this violates any Constitutional prohibition at all. If you are worried about YOUR liability for reading this and not reporting me the the Civil Rights Commission, please feel free to contact a lawyer before reading - after all, if you read this fir...

Ecumenical Meeting

Mon, 16 Jul 2012 16:59:34 EST

The below contains a listing of churches. I couldn't list them all, so please don't be offended if your particular church is not included. Please be assured I mean no evil or insult to any church. Can you find yours? Was I close?

At the start of a recent ecumenical gathering of Church Representatives, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!!!"

The Methodists gathered in a corner and prayed.

The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"

...

Parenthood

Sun, 15 Jul 2012 14:12:41 EST

One of my favorite comedians of all time is Bill Cosby. As far as I am concerned, his ability to be funny without dropping the *f* bomb showed his comedic genius. I read this yesterday and thought I would share it. I'm not wise enough to have thought this up myself.

The First Parent

"Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.

After creating Heaven and Earth, God created A...

The Number One Thing Men Want Women To Know

Fri, 13 Jul 2012 20:37:16 EST

Men’s Rules

Men always hear "the rules" from the female side and only after we've broken them. We don't think that's fair. Now here are the rules from the male side. We don’t mind if you print them and post them somewhere, in fact, we hope you will. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you...

Top 30 Things Women Want Men to Know!

Thu, 12 Jul 2012 20:09:33 EST

1. Don't ever lie to us, we always find out.
2. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.
3. Don't say you understand when you don't.
4. Girls are petty, get over it.
5. You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like.
6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.
7. If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don't.
8. Zit's h...

Why Combat Vets Have PTSD

Wed, 11 Jul 2012 13:44:07 EST

There are a few things guaranteed to strike fear in the heart of even the strongest war veteran on his return to the United States from a tour in Iraq of Afganistan:

--a 3-year old who has just begun wearing big-kid underclothes squatted in the corner with a look of fierce concentration on his face;

--a little tiny voice from the back seat saying 'I gots to use the potty' when you are in bumper to bumper traffic;

--total silence from a room full of children; <...

For The Religious - Part I

Mon, 9 Jul 2012 16:26:29 EST

Even those who attend church make mistakes. Some of those mistakes may make prospective members reconsider.

Seen on Church Bulletin Boards:

-- This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.

-- Tuesday at 4PM, there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.

-- Wednesday, the Relief Society will meet. Sister Johnson will sing, "Put Me In My Little ...

Just Because You're from New York City .....

Sun, 8 Jul 2012 22:55:19 EST

A big city lawyer from New York City went duck hunting in rural Missouri. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer s...

A Cynic's (Popeye) Definition of A...

Sat, 30 Jun 2012 15:54:08 EST

Abnormal

Occupying a point outside the shifting boundaries of social convention, like a same-sex couple before the 1970s or a twenty-two-year-old virgin today.

Others now living beyond the fringe include rhyming poets, English-speaking cab drivers in New York, solitary restaurant patrons, celibate celebrities, non-academics who read anything written before 1920, business people who read anything written before last Friday, Japanese under-achievers, students who can loca...

Get a Room!

Tue, 26 Jun 2012 14:26:36 EST

A man has been driving all night. He decides to stop in the next town for a few hours and get some sleep.

As luck would have it, just before dawn he happens onto a park at the edge of town with plenty of parking. Just his kind of luck, the park is frequented by early morning joggers.

He leaned back in his seat and fell asleep almost instantly.

Suddenly he was awakened by a jogger who was knocking on his window. ‘Excuse me, sir,’ says the jogger. ‘Do you have t...

Dear Lord

Sat, 23 Jun 2012 22:20:25 EST

WARNING! Groaner!

A drunk is walking home from the bar one afternoon, when he happened across a pastor doing a water baptismal in the river. He stops and watches for awhile, and just as he is ready to leave, the pastor calls him into the river and asks him if he knows Jesus.

"Well of course I know Jesus!" the drunk tells him.

Looking at the drunk, the Pastor, noticing a certain insincerity in his manner, grabbed the drunk quickly and pushed him down in...

A Girls First Time

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 18:01:13 EST

NOTE: If you dare start reading this, you absolutely MUST continue to the end. You've been advised!

Assume you are a girl (if you are a guy).

It's your first time.

As you lie back your muscles tighten.

You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.

He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger ...

Be Careful When You Give Advice

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 11:03:46 EST

If you have EVER had a migraine, you know that you can barely think and would do almost anything to get rid of it.

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and still shows no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learne...

WARNING: Texas Conservative Written

Tue, 19 Jun 2012 19:40:34 EST

General Tourist Information - Dallas and The Republic of Texas

I have now lived in Missouri longer than any other state I have lived in (California, Arizona, Utah, Michigan, Oklahoma, Missouri, Arkansas and Texas). I've also lived here longer than in any other country I've lived (Japan, Vietnam, Australia, Germany, Austria and Switzerland), except for the good old U.S.A.

That said, I'm going to give you some pointers if you are ever a tourist in Dallas, Texas (I li...

Why Gray Hair Wins Every Time

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 21:33:50 EST

True Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol Officer:

My youngest son was, for a time, a member of the Blue Team in Kansas City, the Kansas City Police Department.

Kansas City has the best Rookie training program within about 500 miles, so people from different police departments, Sheriffs and the Highway Patrol, combine in any class.

He ran into a friend of his who had gone on to the Kansas Highway Patrol. As is common with officers in any military or semi-m...

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Sat, 16 Jun 2012 12:14:41 EST

There were 5 people aboard an airplane having engine trouble getting ready to crash; however, there were only 4 parachutes. Everyone wondered what should be done to determine who should get the parachutes.

One person said that he was the smartest thing that hit the face of the earth, and that he was too smart to die. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out the aircraft.

The second person said that she was too important to die...she had children and a family to t...

Mary Poppins - Food Editor

Tue, 12 Jun 2012 13:42:20 EST

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the desk and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", the clerk replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like...

The Pastor's Ass

Mon, 11 Jun 2012 18:41:50 EST

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor of a small Catholic Church found a baby donkey wandering down the lane leading to the church one day and the little fellow was braying as only a young Jackass can do. The Pastor looked around and could find no evidence of the little donkey’s mother. He thought the little fellow was hungry, so he led him the back of the church where they had a couple of goats, milked the goats and fed the baby donkey the milk.

The little donkey grew and ...

Need a Tonsilectomy?

Sun, 10 Jun 2012 13:58:22 EST

Texas Chili Contest, San Antonio Texas.

This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a number of Chili Cook-off throughout the state. The San Antonio Cook-off takes place in early November and is one...

Don't Ask The Question Unless .....

Sat, 9 Jun 2012 13:58:31 EST

True Story

Trying to please one of my wonderful blog followers, I’ve put this tiny portion of my life together as a short story.

Many years ago, I was working as a management recruiter and trainer for fast food chain Jack-in-the-Box. In order for me to be a successful recruiter, we had a contract with a national known company (which will remain nameless). The efforts of the creative team that had our account didn’t produce the results we wanted, so I requested to be assi...

Fishing

Fri, 8 Jun 2012 23:33:39 EST

I follow the blogs of other enlightened people here on Spark. This one comes from SparkPeople member GERIKRAGH and I wanted to share.

I follow the blogs of other enlightened people here on Spark. This one comes from SparkPeople member GERIKRAGH and I wanted to share.

I was told this was about four apolitical fishermen from Wisconsin, but I couldn't verify that claim.

At some point in a guy's life.... it comes down to this....

Four guys ...

When Did You Stop Beating Your Wife?

Thu, 7 Jun 2012 21:08:26 EST

Have you seen tales on TV involving a lawyer who is just trying to browbeat the witness into just saying "Yes" or "No" to a question that can't be answered with either answer?

Not only have I seen it, but I was the witness being questioned by a nasty little bus pard in Houston, Texas - but that will have to wait for another time.

Farmer Joe was in an accident with a semi-truck. Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucki...

Morals

Wed, 6 Jun 2012 18:30:36 EST

There was a little boy whose name was Billy. Billy lived in a small town, not to far from a large city. He was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, pulling little girl's pigtails and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.

Being a little boy, Billy was curious. S...

How Much Can One Man Stand?

Sun, 3 Jun 2012 19:58:02 EST

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket, which was zipped to the exact start of her breast bone, and it appeared as if nothing was underneath the jacket. I was still single at the time, so it was my duty as a red-blooded young military officer to be cognizant of beautiful women.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get o...

Choose One: Work, or Prison?

Fri, 1 Jun 2012 12:29:26 EST

WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN WORK AND PRISON...

Maybe prison isn't so bad...

IN PRISON You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON You get three, free meals a day.
AT WORK You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRI...

Tough Questions Women Ask (and the right answers)

Mon, 21 May 2012 17:01:11 EST

The 5 toughest questions women (married or not, live-in, affair, friend with benefits, etc.) ask of their men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, ...

License to Carry

Sat, 19 May 2012 18:32:20 EST

A few years ago (actually, near thirty years ago), something very unique happened to me.

I was at the gas station, in a HUGE rush, not paying attention to what I was doing. With my head in the clouds, I was holding the nozzle in the tank (something was wrong with the nozzle because it wouldn't lock in the run position). Anyway, all of a sudden the back spray from an over-full tank blows back and sprayed all over my leather jacket. What am I going to do?

Since I was on...