POPEYETHETURTLE's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=POPEYETHETURTLE POPEYETHETURTLE's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ One Short Trivia Question http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5571985 Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were filled with Grandchildren who wanted me to look at clothes on-line (17 y/o g-daughter), and 6 y/o g-son wanting me to play new video games, and 3 y/o g-daughter wanting me to see all of her new "dress-up" outfits and accessories. <BR> <BR> I think my 3 y/o is going to be costing me more as she gets older. She doesn't particularly like wearing pants and she has 14 pairs of shoes, already. <BR> <BR> OK, today's one bit of trivia is very easy. See if you ca... Thu, 26 Dec 2013 05:04:17 EST One Short Trivia Question http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5571984 Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were filled with Grandchildren who wanted me to look at clothes on-line (17 y/o g-daughter), and 6 y/o g-son wanting me to play new video games, and 3 y/o g-daughter wanting me to see all of her new "dress-up" outfits and accessories. <BR> <BR> I think my 3 y/o is going to be costing me more as she gets older. She doesn't particularly like wearing pants and she has 14 pairs of shoes, already. <BR> <BR> OK, today's one bit of trivia is very easy. See if you ca... Thu, 26 Dec 2013 05:04:11 EST Teenie, tiny things about Christmas. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5570238 We are getting seriously close to Christmas, and I thought I'd share some of the things I have gathered over the years (of course I have it on a list in my computer! Do you really think I could remember all of this trivial information from year to year?) <BR> <BR> If you read this and are not a Christian, please don't be offended. This blog is meant in the Spirit of Love and Good Will. If you have another religion you want me to read about on your blog, please direct me. I'm passable for a ... Mon, 23 Dec 2013 03:06:03 EST The Fifth Dimension of Weird http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5568335 I can't believe I just now learned this. Brains actually change shapes during puberty. Your teenage years do more than just change how you feel; the very structure of your brain changes during the teen years, and it even affects impulsive, risky behavior. What a perfect defense! Instead of repressing all of those behaviors, I could have acted upon some of those urges. It wasn't the Devil who made me do it (he might have had something to do with encouraging it, though), "It was my brain that m... Thu, 19 Dec 2013 23:05:30 EST The Fifth Dimension of Weird http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5568334 I can't believe I just now learned this. Brains actually changes shapes during puberty. Your teenage years do more than just change how you feel; the very structure of your brain changes during the teen years, and it even affects impulsive, risky behavior. What a perfect defense! Instead of repressing all of those behaviors, I could have acted upon some of those urges. It wasn't the Devil who made me do it (he might have had something to do with encouraging it, though), "It was my brain that ... Thu, 19 Dec 2013 23:05:30 EST Four Degrees of Wierd http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5566951 Did you know that your brain can remember over 50,000 scents? Especially the bad ones! When I spent 13 months of "vacation time in half of a beautiful ocean-front country in Southeast Asia, I had to change my hygienic routine and my eating habits. <BR> <BR> I couldn't brush my teeth with anything flavored, I couldn't shower and use most soaps, I had to quit using deodorant and I had to include a lot more fish in my diet. <BR> <BR> Why, because another person cam smell what you have used to ... Wed, 18 Dec 2013 02:19:33 EST Weird - 3rd Edition http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5565243 Today, I'm going to share some things with you that are scientifically true, but at least one will cause you to disbelieve me. So wake up and pay attention! <BR> <BR> No, don't go reach for that cup of coffee, have an apple instead. <BR> Fact: <BR> Apples are more efficient than caffeine in keeping people awake, especially in the mornings! <BR> <BR> So get a good nights sleep and have an apple when you get up in the morning. <BR> <BR> Did you dream? <BR> Fact: <BR> A higher I.Q. equals mo... Sun, 15 Dec 2013 23:34:05 EST This is Weird Two http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5563983 OK, so you think you are a Big "Brain" and you use big words to prove it. Actually, until you get into your mid and late "Golden Years" your brain is proportional to your height and weight. The fact is, that your brain takes up only about 2% of your total body weight. Not as much as you thought, huh? <BR> <BR> However, your brain has huge oxygen and calorie needs: Your brain requires 20 percent of the oxygen and calories your body needs. That explains why you should keep your brain sharp and... Sat, 14 Dec 2013 03:53:23 EST Weird or Strange? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5553546 Some people think that I may go 1/2 story more or less than the top - they may be right. <BR> <BR> I've always been attracted to the strange and sometimes just plain weird about things that very few people know (or care) about on our earth or about our bodies. <BR> <BR> I am going to share this weird trivia with people who drop in, stumble or just purely fall on to my Spark Page. If I've ever experienced any of the weird things about the human body, all of you who know me are already suspec... Sat, 30 Nov 2013 16:05:29 EST A Paraprosdokian Joke http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5174572 <BR> A Paraprosdokian is a statement or joke which at the end the statement or joke, the ending is not expected or it makes you think about how the story changed and is funny. Winston Churchill was a huge fan and in private used paraprosdokians often. <BR> <BR> This paraprosdokian may be considered off-color by some, but anyone who reads my blog knows that I am a bit off-center, so it shouldn't surprise you too much. <BR> <BR> A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He ... Sun, 23 Dec 2012 17:05:30 EST Efficient, or ..... ? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5173824 <BR> An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. <BR> <BR> "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. <BR> <BR> "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. <BR> <BR> One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" <BR> <BR> "Did it s... Sat, 22 Dec 2012 17:26:47 EST Billable Hours http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5172112 A lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself." <BR> <BR> The lawyer is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter. <BR> <BR> "It's the least we can do for someone... Thu, 20 Dec 2012 14:17:28 EST Grandpa's Pond http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5164751 My grandfather had farmed a fairly large farm south of Springfield, MO from way before my mom, his oldest daughter, was born. He was way before his time, and not even grandma could tell us why he had done it. He had a large pond in the back forty (over the hill), had it fixed up with picnic tables, two shelters, horseshoe pits, a basketball court, a big and a small grilling pit, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built and my mom, her brother and three sisters had visitors at th... Wed, 12 Dec 2012 20:25:38 EST Sleeping Pills http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5163392 An elderly woman lived in a small town Arkansas and one day she went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.” <BR> <BR> The receptionist's eyes popped wide open and she asked, "Excuse me?" The older woman repeated her reason for seeing the doctor, and the nurse said, "Dr. Forester has had a cancellation, but it will be at least 20 minutes before he can see you. Is ... Tue, 11 Dec 2012 15:29:00 EST One for the Ladies - $5,000; $200; $1 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5158322 In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. <BR> <BR> "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." <BR> <BR> The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a le... Thu, 6 Dec 2012 14:21:09 EST More Women on Spark Than Men http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5157654 Everyone knows that there are many more women on Spark then there are men. <BR> I was one of the first six people to start the largest team here on Spark. We gained members, but one by one, each of the other original six leaders left. <BR> <BR> I did everything. I greeted new members; if anyone had questions about psyche meds, I would either get the information for them or give them a link to which site I thought provided the best answer; if they wanted to know if a particular side affect wa... Wed, 5 Dec 2012 22:56:35 EST Some Sports History http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5156225 These are actual sports quotes said by various people. <BR> <BR> Former Houston Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, “Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye.” <BR> <BR> RB George Rogers was with the New Orleans Saints when he was asked about the upcoming season:”I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.” <BR> <BR> Upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the ‘Skins say “I’d run over my own mother to win... Tue, 4 Dec 2012 17:40:22 EST Baseball - America's Pasttime. And Beyond http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5155076 Y'all may not know this about me, but I'm a huge baseball and girl's fast-pitch softball fan. I've dreamed of playing baseball and I've dreamed of watching my granddaughter playing on her high school girls softball team. The Bob in this story isn't me - I don't think. <BR> <BR> Two buddies, Eric and Bob were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. <BR> <BR> Their entire adult lives (even going back to high school when Bob pitched and Eric caught). Eric and Bob discussed baseball histor... Mon, 3 Dec 2012 18:46:36 EST Just the Facts, Ma'am http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5153860 <BR> A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, “Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?” <BR> <BR> The mother replies, “Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand”. <BR> <BR> “OK” said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, “Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?” <BR> <BR> “They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert”. <BR> <BR> ... Sun, 2 Dec 2012 18:53:23 EST EuroEnglish http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5152845 Finally, the European Union has decided on a change that makes sense! <BR> <BR> The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications (French had been suggested by a few of the Commissioners because of its former status as the language of diplomacy, but when not even the French could agree, the motion was tabled), rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, H... Sat, 1 Dec 2012 17:53:58 EST Male or Female? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5151987 Over the past few yearsI have noticed while driving down the street a young woman walking down the sidewalk, only, much to my chagrin, to pass this person and find "he" is wearing a beard. I know I'm getting along in yearsw, But if you had told me at the age of 15 I wouldn't be able to tell the sex of someone walking down the street, I would have said you are crazy. I might even have gone to call you, "Nukkin' Futz!" <BR> <BR> You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender: <... Fri, 30 Nov 2012 19:43:23 EST Diagram This! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5065659 I thought this was funny - but y'all know how different my sense of humor can be. This is also a challenge. <BR> <BR> Read it through, then decide if, as indicated, I can be my own grandpa! <BR> <BR> Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. <BR> <BR> One of them kept complaining of family problems. <BR> <BR> Finally, the other man said: “You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation: <BR> <BR> “A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. <BR>... Tue, 18 Sep 2012 23:40:18 EST Cock a Doodle DO http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5063396 Rating - SR (Slightly Risque) <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. <BR> <BR> The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve this great rooster, named Randy. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.” <BR> <BR> Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Randy and takes the rooster home. <BR> <BR> ... Mon, 17 Sep 2012 14:33:28 EST My Aunt Belle http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5060852 I got an email this morning from my Aunt Belle. She is 103 but still sharp as a whip, and while she can't live by herself, she lives in a group home. I thought it was amazing that someone her age had decided to learn something new, especially how to work on a computor - I know people my age, y'all know it was just water and rocks when I was born, who won't even try to use a computer. <BR> <BR> I opened the email and was shocked at what she told me! Here is a copy of the email: <BR> <BR> Dea... Sat, 15 Sep 2012 20:57:42 EST The Politically Correct Answer is "Betty Crocker" http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5059538 A newlywed couple moves into their new house. <BR> <BR> One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" <BR> <BR> The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" <BR> <BR> A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" <BR> <BR> He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwren... Fri, 14 Sep 2012 19:16:01 EST Dumb Shaggy Dog (?) http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5056605 A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.” <BR> <BR> The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog’s mouth, there is a fifty dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag along with the change, and places it... Wed, 12 Sep 2012 19:44:13 EST Comfortable http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5054362 <BR> Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. <BR> <BR> In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. <BR> <BR> The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide t... Tue, 11 Sep 2012 12:19:23 EST What Goes Around ..... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4983946 <BR> It was my grandson, Eli's 5th birthday and he was joyfully opening all the presents he received. Like his Dad, he opened packages by ripping off the bows, jerking off the ribbon around the package and making scrap-paper of the wrapping paper (except for the Spiderman wrapped packages - those he took apart very carefully). <BR> <BR> Already reading some, before he even got into Kindergarten, he saved the biggest for last, so it took a while until he got to opening Grandpa and Grandma’s... Mon, 23 Jul 2012 21:36:05 EST Antidisestablishmentarianism http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4981726 <BR> John dies and goes to Heaven. He meets St. Peter at the gate and asks him, <BR> "How do I get into Heaven?" <BR> <BR> St Pete: Spell "Love". <BR> <BR> John: L - O - V - E <BR> <BR> Pete: That's right, you may enter. <BR> <BR> John: Boy, that was easy, are you sure that's all there is to it? <BR> <BR> St Pete: Yup...by the way, I have to run an errand. Now that you are one of us, would you please watch the gate for me and if anyone comes just ask them to spell LOVE. If they spell it... Sun, 22 Jul 2012 13:16:47 EST Men and Women Are Different http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4980483 A new sign in the Bank Lobby and at the drive-through ATM reads: <BR> <BR> ‘Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. <BR> <BR> Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. <BR> <BR> After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.’ <BR> <B... Sat, 21 Jul 2012 12:46:53 EST Sweet! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4978049 A single woman has identical twins and had to give them up for adoption. <BR> <BR> One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” <BR> <BR> The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” <BR> <BR> Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. <BR> <BR> Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes <BR> she also had a picture of Ahmal. <BR> <BR> Her husband responded, <BR> <BR> "They’re twins! <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR>... Thu, 19 Jul 2012 16:11:53 EST Why It's So Hard to Prove a DUI http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4976783 <BR> Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I'm going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” <BR> <BR> “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that test can set off an attack.” <BR> <BR> “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” <BR> <BR> “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” ... Wed, 18 Jul 2012 21:06:47 EST If the Lord's Flood Came Today http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4974584 This a prime example of my sense of humor. It's also a political statement. I know, we "supposedly" have a doctrine about the separation of church and state, but that's NOT what the Constitution says, so I (as a Strict Constructionist) don't feel this violates any Constitutional prohibition at all. If you are worried about YOUR liability for reading this and not reporting me the the Civil Rights Commission, please feel free to contact a lawyer before reading - after all, if you read this fir... Tue, 17 Jul 2012 12:57:29 EST Ecumenical Meeting http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4973194 The below contains a listing of churches. I couldn't list them all, so please don't be offended if your particular church is not included. Please be assured I mean no evil or insult to any church. Can you find yours? Was I close? <BR> <BR> At the start of a recent ecumenical gathering of Church Representatives, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!!!" <BR> <BR> The Methodists gathered in a corner and prayed. <BR> <BR> The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?" <BR> <BR>... Mon, 16 Jul 2012 16:59:34 EST Parenthood http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4971350 One of my favorite comedians of all time is Bill Cosby. As far as I am concerned, his ability to be funny without dropping the *f* bomb showed his comedic genius. I read this yesterday and thought I would share it. I'm not wise enough to have thought this up myself. <BR> <BR> The First Parent <BR> <BR> "Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. <BR> <BR> After creating Heaven and Earth, God created A... Sun, 15 Jul 2012 14:12:41 EST The Number One Thing Men Want Women To Know http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4969228 Men’s Rules <BR> <BR> Men always hear "the rules" from the female side and only after we've broken them. We don't think that's fair. Now here are the rules from the male side. We don’t mind if you print them and post them somewhere, in fact, we hope you will. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! <BR> <BR> 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you... Fri, 13 Jul 2012 20:37:16 EST Top 30 Things Women Want Men to Know! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4967708 <BR> <BR> 1. Don't ever lie to us, we always find out. <BR> 2. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening. <BR> 3. Don't say you understand when you don't. <BR> 4. Girls are petty, get over it. <BR> 5. You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like. <BR> 6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook. <BR> 7. If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don't. <BR> 8. Zit's h... Thu, 12 Jul 2012 20:09:33 EST Why Combat Vets Have PTSD http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4965591 There are a few things guaranteed to strike fear in the heart of even the strongest war veteran on his return to the United States from a tour in Iraq of Afganistan: <BR> <BR> --a 3-year old who has just begun wearing big-kid underclothes squatted in the corner with a look of fierce concentration on his face; <BR> <BR> --a little tiny voice from the back seat saying 'I gots to use the potty' when you are in bumper to bumper traffic; <BR> <BR> --total silence from a room full of children; <... Wed, 11 Jul 2012 13:44:07 EST For The Religious - Part I http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4962547 Even those who attend church make mistakes. Some of those mistakes may make prospective members reconsider. <BR> <BR> Seen on Church Bulletin Boards: <BR> <BR> -- This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends. <BR> <BR> -- Tuesday at 4PM, there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early. <BR> <BR> -- Wednesday, the Relief Society will meet. Sister Johnson will sing, "Put Me In My Little ... Mon, 9 Jul 2012 16:26:29 EST Just Because You're from New York City ..... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4961294 A big city lawyer from New York City went duck hunting in rural Missouri. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." <BR> <BR> The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer s... Sun, 8 Jul 2012 22:55:19 EST A Cynic's (Popeye) Definition of A... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4949154 Abnormal <BR> <BR> Occupying a point outside the shifting boundaries of social convention, like a same-sex couple before the 1970s or a twenty-two-year-old virgin today. <BR> <BR> Others now living beyond the fringe include rhyming poets, English-speaking cab drivers in New York, solitary restaurant patrons, celibate celebrities, non-academics who read anything written before 1920, business people who read anything written before last Friday, Japanese under-achievers, students who can loca... Sat, 30 Jun 2012 15:54:08 EST Get a Room! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4943319 A man has been driving all night. He decides to stop in the next town for a few hours and get some sleep. <BR> <BR> As luck would have it, just before dawn he happens onto a park at the edge of town with plenty of parking. Just his kind of luck, the park is frequented by early morning joggers. <BR> <BR> He leaned back in his seat and fell asleep almost instantly. <BR> <BR> Suddenly he was awakened by a jogger who was knocking on his window. ‘Excuse me, sir,’ says the jogger. ‘Do you have t... Tue, 26 Jun 2012 14:26:36 EST Dear Lord http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4939516 WARNING! Groaner! <BR> <BR> <BR> A drunk is walking home from the bar one afternoon, when he happened across a pastor doing a water baptismal in the river. He stops and watches for awhile, and just as he is ready to leave, the pastor calls him into the river and asks him if he knows Jesus. <BR> <BR> "Well of course I know Jesus!" the drunk tells him. <BR> <BR> Looking at the drunk, the Pastor, noticing a certain insincerity in his manner, grabbed the drunk quickly and pushed him down in... Sat, 23 Jun 2012 22:20:25 EST A Girls First Time http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4938036 NOTE: If you dare start reading this, you absolutely MUST continue to the end. You've been advised! <BR> <BR> Assume you are a girl (if you are a guy). <BR> <BR> It's your first time. <BR> <BR> As you lie back your muscles tighten. <BR> <BR> You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. <BR> <BR> He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. <BR> <BR> He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger ... Fri, 22 Jun 2012 18:01:13 EST Be Careful When You Give Advice http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4936090 If you have EVER had a migraine, you know that you can barely think and would do almost anything to get rid of it. <BR> <BR> A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and still shows no improvement. <BR> <BR> "Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learne... Thu, 21 Jun 2012 11:03:46 EST WARNING: Texas Conservative Written http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4933684 General Tourist Information - Dallas and The Republic of Texas <BR> <BR> <BR> I have now lived in Missouri longer than any other state I have lived in (California, Arizona, Utah, Michigan, Oklahoma, Missouri, Arkansas and Texas). I've also lived here longer than in any other country I've lived (Japan, Vietnam, Australia, Germany, Austria and Switzerland), except for the good old U.S.A. <BR> <BR> That said, I'm going to give you some pointers if you are ever a tourist in Dallas, Texas (I li... Tue, 19 Jun 2012 19:40:34 EST Why Gray Hair Wins Every Time http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4932231 True Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol Officer: <BR> <BR> My youngest son was, for a time, a member of the Blue Team in Kansas City, the Kansas City Police Department. <BR> <BR> Kansas City has the best Rookie training program within about 500 miles, so people from different police departments, Sheriffs and the Highway Patrol, combine in any class. <BR> <BR> He ran into a friend of his who had gone on to the Kansas Highway Patrol. As is common with officers in any military or semi-m... Mon, 18 Jun 2012 21:33:50 EST Stupid Is As Stupid Does http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4928931 There were 5 people aboard an airplane having engine trouble getting ready to crash; however, there were only 4 parachutes. Everyone wondered what should be done to determine who should get the parachutes. <BR> <BR> One person said that he was the smartest thing that hit the face of the earth, and that he was too smart to die. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out the aircraft. <BR> <BR> The second person said that she was too important to die...she had children and a family to t... Sat, 16 Jun 2012 12:14:41 EST Mary Poppins - Food Editor http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4923390 Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the desk and asked for a room for the night. <BR> <BR> "Certainly madam", the clerk replied courteously. <BR> <BR> "Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary. <BR> <BR> "Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?" <BR> <BR> Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like... Tue, 12 Jun 2012 13:42:20 EST The Pastor's Ass http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4922120 The Pastor's Ass <BR> <BR> <BR> The Pastor of a small Catholic Church found a baby donkey wandering down the lane leading to the church one day and the little fellow was braying as only a young Jackass can do. The Pastor looked around and could find no evidence of the little donkey’s mother. He thought the little fellow was hungry, so he led him the back of the church where they had a couple of goats, milked the goats and fed the baby donkey the milk. <BR> <BR> The little donkey grew and ... Mon, 11 Jun 2012 18:41:50 EST