PJH2028's SparkPeople Blog

CC of Featured Blog Post "Lessons from Someone Who's Kept the Weight Off"

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 09:35:10 EST

Week of 04/11/2013 - Featured Blog Post TINAJANE76

Lessons from Someone Who's Kept the Weight Off

Over the course of the past year, I've learned a lot about myself and the strategies that are important for me to use to stabilize my weight. I'm quite fortunate that I haven't experienced any major life challenges to seriously throw me off track in the past year, so I feel like I've established a strong foundation to deal with those when they do come down the road.
...

April Fool - fooling myself (Way-Station --- Between-ness ---- Liminality...)

Thu, 4 Apr 2013 09:24:35 EST

I tell myself.. .I'm through with love... and I'll have nothing more to do with love.... But they all know...it isn't so.... I'm just foolin' myself.

These are lyrics from a great old 40's Billie Holiday tune.
I used to sing.

April. One more month til I am out of this apartment... and I haven't found a place yet.
Thank goodness my mom has a small second home in Michigan and she is SO generous as to offer it to me to stay in as a way-station, and in-between. ...

Scale Come-uppance ---- Spring Again

Tue, 2 Apr 2013 07:46:42 EST

Got up and GOT ON THE SCALE. oy. i knew it would be up. but one is never really ready for the bad news that comes with repeated eating-my-feelings. . . . which i've been doing for a coupla weeks off and on but mostly on.

Up 6 lbs. Crap. And ah well...
Ah well. Yep. It happens... to lots of people. And... armed again with my morning shakes and a sparky attitude (gotta get online every day maybe?).... i am going to take that 6 off.

That's 'the new me'--...

I don't know where I'm Going. I don't know where I am.

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 10:21:15 EST

Chicago. March 2013. 155lbs. Down from 245 in 2010. Down from lifetime highest of 299 at age 17. Yoyo's and a lifetime of eating disorders, recovery, therapy, self investigation.... READING EVERYONE.... woodman and roth being the best of all..... AND ON THE WAY.... SO MUCH OF LIFE (the lives OTHER people, the THIN people must lead, or so I thought...) So much of life didn't happen -- I didn't occupy it -- I didn't inhabit.

Inhabiting the space of the body. And the body ...

Back to Basics. Onward & Forward.

Sun, 13 Jan 2013 07:49:19 EST

Onward and Forward... was a chapter heading in a kindle book I was perusing... not about weight.. but about Mindfulness and ACT (which apparently is a new CBT).
The point being that it resonated smack dab in the center of my Spark cheer here -- "Onward and Downward" !! which so successfully bolstered my GOALS, held my wishes, and steeled me warmed me at community fires.

ONWARD is key. Steady, on!
FORWARD...Now moment... taking actions...being in Life and not just on a...

Where Am I and Where Am I Going

Sun, 16 Dec 2012 04:59:37 EST

Be Here Now? But where?
It feels good to be in my Sparkpage. I love the connection to you my friends and this community. I am wanting to have you and this as my place to come to -- more than a forum, this place and you have held me to my own goals and kept me company, kept me honest, kept me funny, kept me true.

I've been running away a lot - in my mind and scampering about with fears and illness and confusion over who I am and where I'm going. Some of it is midlife and m...

Leaks or Suitcases?

Wed, 31 Oct 2012 08:56:16 EST

Don't know what to do, where to go. I seem to be questioning EVERYTHING. And have no toehold on anything. I feel Rootless. Need community. Need work. Need structure. My relationship with Joe gives me comfort and a structure that I wonder about the overall health of.

I went on line this morning to see what’s left on the market of real estate this season (nothing). I went and looked at the condo that I insanely walked away from, that is being purchased by someone else. I still...

159.6! Omg!

Wed, 5 Sep 2012 09:40:18 EST

Barrie's Email -- BIGger LEAPS NEEDED with prosperity/abundance

Fri, 31 Aug 2012 08:18:26 EST

Paula,
Yes of course. No one who listened to anyone with as much experience as Janice would be reckless with my portfolio. My life is always shifting and in flux.and that changes how I use my money. Im not really sure what you are asking but I do believe that the women who take Janice's classes and the women who are in Janices circle Rachel Rosenberg and Sylvia for example are people that would be beneficial to you for you to be among energy wise as well as example wise.

I ...

Swap Meet Soiree - First!

Sun, 26 Aug 2012 08:44:22 EST

Swap Meet Soiree/Party at My Friend Barrie's House Friday Night. Women of all ages shapes and sizes. And, mostly, younger women (30's-40's) under size 12... but clothes, pants, dresses, shorts, jackets, purses, jewelry, shoes, and more... from size 2-24. LOVELY WOMEN.

FIRSTS for ME --
I felt included.
Yes, I had my familiar social anxiety and 'outsider' feelings -- these are emotional first and 'fat' second (though i may have come by the emotional by way of a fa...

Where are we now... inventory (54 looking at 55)

Mon, 6 Aug 2012 10:48:43 EST

"... are you in some hotel room, does it have a view?...." Joni Mitchell quotes are never far from my consciousness, no matter how long it's been since I've heard them or thought about them. Hmm.

But that has nothing to do with the blog.
Where am I now? Update. Note to self and you my comrades in Sparkville.

Spark lights from the inside
Changes are made gradually, gently and BOLDly, with determination... clarity

Celebrating 165lbs and holding st...

A moment this moment - taking stock (july 20, 2012) - Flare and Then

Fri, 20 Jul 2012 12:33:13 EST

Alone in my old run down little apartment. It's been a long time. Joe is away. I cried at the airport-- always do...cry at goodbyes...with everyone....What IS that? Now it's cooler outside and even with all the crap going on here I feel HAPPY to be here alone - with space - with only MY OWN energy wavelength and motions.

Maybe I should not go to Ca and would do better to stay here and soak in my own energy. See what industrious directions or people I might call .... HOW the m...

Pendulum - pleasures and positives - Keep On Keeping On

Sat, 30 Jun 2012 10:35:21 EST

Yeah... it's like that sometimes. ReAction to success... retrograde. Maybe. Or not.
Clothes shopping finished for a while. Still no shoes. But a Size 12 green dress.
I tend to react to positives by exhibiting some negative behavior. I've been that way all of my life.

Saw doctor yesterday for tendonitis. Dr's Scale said 173 (midday, clothes on, after breakfast).
This is the same number as it's been for months and months. Though, I've swung from 168-175 up and d...

First ever Size 12 dress !!

Wed, 20 Jun 2012 19:26:07 EST

My amazing friend Kristen was with me in the dressing room. I'm like a toddler looking into her face for validation, to see approval, to see if I should be can be happy about it.

Very You, she said. Leaning toward Diane Lane in Under the Tuscan Sun.
Don't have a bra that won't show. . .
Bought it on sale and brought it home.
Loved the feeling of celebration with Kristen!

In th...

Injuries - Will NOT Derail me emotionally. They could. But can't let them!!

Sun, 17 Jun 2012 09:27:09 EST

AbraCadabra!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fix this!!!!
Just a couple of weeks ago ... I was feeling GREAT! I was on a roll! ...

Ups and downs and in betweens - June 2012

Thu, 14 Jun 2012 09:36:53 EST

Morning coffee. Slept in. Weighed in. It's Thursday. Wednesday is my weigh day. And I've skipped a couple. I weighed 173 at my infusion last Friday, shoes on after breakfast. My low weight this past 30 days was 167 a couple of weeks ago, before TOM.... and I relished resetting my stones and moving those few over, the ones that meant *below 170* for the first time *healthy* and not because of that winter uc medication mashup. . . which took me through March of this year.
Ups and Downs....

Get back! No Ostriches (really a note to self)

Tue, 15 May 2012 07:43:57 EST

Another Wednesday approaches and I'm not back yet.
Last week sounded like a commitment. It felt like one. But ... What?

Injuries - plaintiff knees, ankles, feet. Wah!
Food - helter skelter.... not enough water...

Get back. Get back to where you once belonged.

Friends, this blog is for me.
MUST MUST MUST GET IT TOGETHER GIRL!
Water 8 glasses a day - 2 x 32oz bottles (basic basic basic)
Bkfst under 350 Lunch under 350 Dinner 40...

Goal 3

Sun, 13 May 2012 08:55:48 EST

Gotta get back to 160s. I'm up to 174. And... I'm saying it....
I want to lose more weight. I want to get to the 140's and see what that feels like.
I knew it would happen this way. Onderland, goal 1. 175 goal 2. 145 goal 3.

There are personal evolutions and changes that have to, do and will happen in order to make way for this. MACHETE in the jungle. Could happen. Could happen.

Shine Your Light.
Don't Dim Your Light.
Work. Place. Love.
...

EVERY DAY -- Gauntlet Time And Do the Next Right Thing.

Sun, 6 May 2012 07:36:08 EST

Gauntlet Time P. May Day. You were sick. And now with Rx's you're 'back-to-normal'. We've heard that story. So what gives? For a few months I've been waffling on every f'g subject, including my diet and exercise... and especially the way i spend my time. I felt lost without having weight loss be my "primary purpose"... and... uh... I gained some weight after mostly maintaining. Now I can ramp it up again and will. YET... Bookmark Here.... my "primary purpose" is still to be found. I'...

Mirror mirror, candlewax and needing a new story

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 10:03:56 EST

italian restaurant wine bottles with months or years candle wax layered in drips of time -- that's what i see when i gaze at my inner thighs - - -
In the mirror at the store fitting room,
in the fluorescent lights, with shorts on,
in the mirror so much bigger than any in my house
In the mirror
gazing from
without

Being In my Skin

Candle wa...

14-16 ? Target Fit #s 1-6?

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 10:36:25 EST

Tons of time yesterday in the Target Fitting Rooms. No clue. Had I. What size. What to try on. Summer is coming. And I don't want to spend $45 on shorts. THANKS to the fabulous finds at the Swap Meet organized by JENNKINCAID last month I have a few things to wear that feel extra special because they used to be hers. But I needed more... and so off I went.

Fitting Rooms. Those tags for how many garments you have with you. HA! I was a machine. And so respectful in the way ...

so here's the thing

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 16:45:24 EST

well ... maybe not THE thing, but... the current thing, something that occurs to me, and to mention... i guess:

knowing when to push. WHEN to PUSH and When NOT to Push. This is a universal conundrum, an ongoing life lesson, a balance beam.

My trainer talks about this dynamic in his own life and fitness practice, and he is an expert, an athlete. See...? You, I mean I, don't have this gray fuzzy thinking because I am remedial...it's cuz i'm human. AND... Yes... Being ...

Scarecrow

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 18:08:21 EST

I'm having a hungry time these days. I don't know what to prioritize. I have resistance to much I set out to do. Resistance makes me "hungry".

DIETING is such a simplification of the day. So much thought into shopping and preparing and eating/enjoying and not eating and breathing and drinking water.

Can I walk and chew gum at the same time?
Is that even the question?

Yes. I want to lose 25-35 lbs. It would be nice.
Yes. I want to EXPRESS mysel...

First Noble Truth - Slow, Gentle, Steady, Process

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 14:56:54 EST

unwinding
no.
breathing.
yes.
ahhhhh.
slow down.
here i am.

shall i tell the story? or stay with the moment?

Shopping-itis... had me in familiar anxiety today. Had to come home.
Able to buy food. Yes. Able to eat food. Yes. Able to make lists. Yes.
Took a long while of unwinding and spinning and eating and list making....
to get to here

Monday afternoon.

Where am I going? What is important to ...

grateful actions - pivot axis of perception

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 09:04:26 EST

contemplation is not the same as conceptualization
deconstructing mind is a tool often abused... and mine is sharp
"first thought, best thought"
i will i am learning to sway into the motion of that
less hesitation, less delay

I was given clear clear evidence that Joe and I were standing in a GIFT of a house we could afford and move into right away. And I hesitated, conceptualized the pros and cons and got lost in my own mind. Was I looking for a way to reject i...

dawn letting - in the pink breeze (Step up)

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 09:09:51 EST

gratitude blog day 2

woke to a stiff body - tight from ... fallen arches... lack of exercise ... ...
AND STRETCHED SOME
reminded ing that

ACTION CHANGES conditions

choices are always there - remembering to remember is the practice - and today i know that practicing GRATITUDE is the muscle that needs limbering in me....

I woke to a pink light on the horizon, filling the gray light while the noisy pre-dawn bird on the nearest tree singsang...

daily gratitude here

Sun, 18 Mar 2012 13:42:24 EST

*strategy to change*
kristen, my friend here in chicago, asked me how my resolve to keep a "gratitude journal" was going. Aha. Mmhmm.

Practice Noticing BEAUTY and amplify that.
I think i will do it on line instead of on paper. The accountability and postableness being more real-ized.

I'm grateful for Kristen's friendship.
I'm grateful for Joe's garden created every day with so much ...

i was the kid - who felt big things but didn't vision or dream

Sun, 18 Mar 2012 11:59:45 EST

you know the one...
the one who cried and cried at nursery school drop off
the one who hated camp due to homesickness ... all up until the last week or two and then wanted it to last longer.

f e a r f u l t i m i d f e r o c i o u s

last n ight at a friends birthday dinner i met half dozen women a tad younger than I discussing all kinds of things... up to and especially their kids. I don't have any kids. I have nothing to add. I listen captivated by the Wo...

You know what to do.

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 08:38:42 EST

omg. i need help. or... really... i need ME.
i'm sending this to you dear friend so that i have a witness and a shared memory.

i woke up centered in my own energy ... after overeating yesterday... and, truly, eating poorly and without boundaries for over a week.
The scale is up which is only CONFIRMATION in number for HOW MY BODY FEELS.

I want to feel better.
And ... I know how to make that happen. In part at least.

water
balanced meal...

To Track or NOT to Track

Thu, 1 Mar 2012 21:31:20 EST

Okay. My nutritionist suggest I NOT track. And I havenn't been for a couple of weeks. But... kids.... the boundaries are not holding. Grazing has infiltrated meals/snacks and blurred it all up...
and I MISS the clarity of looking to Spark and making SURE I did okay...or if not, how far off I am.. Without that... I'm...... in my negative default risks -- valorous if ate light...self-doubting and judging my honor if I ate more. What a freak.

I'm okay. I'm not okay. That is the ...

Pulling off the Moss -- New Stones.

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 12:50:27 EST

A long time gone. A long time coming. Must keep it new.
I woke up last night and found my way to the goblet which has been sedentary and had lost its luster, lost its meaning to me, over the past months. I even had to re-count the pebbles, the rocks, the stones (you may remember, some of you, the beach walk in 2010 that originated this visualization that has SO HELPED my inspiration and my accountability these past 2 years).
Well... the count was way off. And now it's fixed. ...

February Leap

Sun, 5 Feb 2012 04:52:14 EST

It's a leap year. Just checked the calendar. LEAP. (Funny word)
Its the "Year of the Dragon" , too.

Oct Nov Dec Jan - gone in a blurr of illness and fear and coping and managing.
(Illness does teach a lot, does separate and connect. Courage. And Tears. etc etc)

I'm so much better.
I met my new doctor yesterday.

Wow! What a difference the right people can make in our lives.

And I'm feeling "like my self" again.
I am almost o...

0-60 - veg juice clean to peanutbutterbinge -- whataday --

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 20:19:18 EST

Wth is going on with me!?
This morning I was making celery carrot apple ginger juice in my new juicer.
Feeling squeaky clean in the good and natural embracing way - not at all in a reform-school way.

And by mid/late afternoon, I was struggling for energy... tired.. tried to nap...
and then ATE MY WAY through to evening.
Wtf wtf wtf

I'm so f'g pissed about the loss of my safe haven of sparktastic patterns.
My rituals are broken. I haven't repl...

It's Baaack - Appetite!

Sat, 14 Jan 2012 16:20:08 EST

A few days with no troubles. The food-lover in me wants to think "the coast is clear"!
But I don't know. We don't know. No way to know.

So interesting.... to me.... JUST HOW FAST it comes back ... the I want what I want when I want it.

So--- What? SPARK TO THE RESCUE!!

I went shopping today and picked up my thin breads... soups.... tuna.... my mainstay lunches.
CAN'T EAT SALADS AND "RABBIT FOOD" OR LUNA BARS.
Hmm. These were my snacks fo...

Body Talk

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 12:08:09 EST

I just came home from another blood draw. Every two weeks a full blood panel has to be done to see if the medications I'm taking are causing any collateral harm. Ain't that a kick in the head.

So many changes. And.. Still BODY FOCUSED. But in different ways. And it strikes me as a cosmic joke. It strikes me as ironic. It is not poetic. And it is not justice. But IT IS.

So...

Alice in Wonderland... has long been one of my images.
You know... th...

Occupy - blog #2 for today 1/5/12

Thu, 5 Jan 2012 09:46:11 EST

My sister-in-law sent this to me yesterday... Love it!

Occupy your (higher) Self. 100 %.

Occupy your heart.
Occupy the place where everything is connected.
Occupy your own rhythm.
Occupy compassion.
Occupy your creativity.
Occupy whatever is in front of you RIGHT NOW.

Occupy your feelings.
Occupy stillness.
Occupy the truth that you are good enough.
Occupy your physical body.
Occupy uncertainty.
Occupy th...

First Infusion (can it be working already?) - Whoosh - Goals for 2012

Thu, 5 Jan 2012 07:08:20 EST

Round the corner, round the corner.....
What a ride. What a season. Where did it go? the fall, the holidaze. Funny, what a gust/flash/seachange will do for one's sense of Time.

I grieved so much the past few weeks and months. Grieved that I am sick at all. Grieved that I didn't feel trust in my physicians. And then I took out my metaphorical machete and set out to get my needs met.

I've felt like a combination of needy small child and Ganesha the remover of...

What a freaking ride

Fri, 23 Dec 2011 07:06:24 EST

Omg. There's no where to start. But I do want to say something here about the long strange trip this has been this Fall.

Ulcerative Colitis - diagnosis, treatment, mental adjustment, and HUGE CHANGES

I met with a nutritionist this week who I will meet with every two weeks for the coming who-knows-how-long. I am just SO fortunate that this SAME woman that I worked with many years ago for over-eating/eating normalization counseling (loved her, learned so much, haven't ...

I Love My Food

Sat, 10 Dec 2011 20:54:20 EST

Seriously. I do. From the idea to the shopping, feel, smell, slice, combine, menu, balance, cookery, table, presentation... ALL OF IT.

And... for large swaths of my life I ate compulsively, graze/binging my way up and down the scale over decades. Unconscious eating.

These two profiles I know --- e.g. the FOODIE and the "compulsive overeater"

This illness experience is bringing me a profile I've surely never felt seen or been before, and it is INTERESTING...

Getting The Right Help

Wed, 7 Dec 2011 12:41:31 EST

My dear lovely spark friends,
I just want to thank you for all your positive energy and good wishes these past weeks as I have been wading through the unknowns of this illness and treatments. Ulcerative Colitis. Yep. After many tests now... I have been able to get in to see a new doctor whose communication style and toolbox is a little bit different... in promising ways. I will likely go in hospital for about three days for some tests and treatments. I'm told that hospitals these ...

Talking myself well... Surrender..... Body Mind Spirit

Sun, 4 Dec 2011 10:51:20 EST

I'm making no sense these days. I've just been whirled about by the slow slow and more painful than anyone tells you process of getting my UC into remission. I am so frustrated with the doctors' failure to communicate. And the powerlessness over my body is still a soul-shaking thing to me.

One of the most interesting experiences has been the self-talking and self-soothing through some episodes. I've begun talking to my body to encourage her to relax and breathe through, to trust ...

Gravity - Part 2 (a picture blog)

Sun, 27 Nov 2011 12:20:09 EST

So.... an OTHER thing about gravity and weight loss ....
The sag. And the illumination of sculptural perspectives.
It's about angles and visions. Selection and appreciation.

Joe took a couple of photos of me this weekend while I was using the foam roller to work out some hitches in my lower back muscles. They're doozies. They're different.

The aerial view that hides what's hanging are the best. They celebrate the new found frame (an Sparkaeological ...

Gravity

Tue, 22 Nov 2011 16:08:07 EST

Hi there. It's been a while.
As some of you may know, my illness of thre past month (since September really) brought with it some weight loss. A different kind of weight loss -- sudden, the product of pain and feeling out of power. And here I am now... on the mend (hooray) albeit slowly, and SUDDENLY feeling some bones that weren't there.

I got to move my body this week. Today I saw Tim and did some ST.
Tim knows my body by eye maybe better than anyone. He real...

The Cobbler's Children - Stone Soup - Button button who's got the button

Mon, 7 Nov 2011 17:19:16 EST

The Cobbler's Children - Stone Soup - Button button who's got the button

I keep reaching (shadow-boxing style) for MORE but I have no idea How much is enough, or How much I can have! Actually, the only 'more' i'm reaching for is the punching of this burlap bag I've got myself in. I want to come out!

Over-eating like all substance patterns dumbs down one's world.... it invites isolation.
I've grown and accomplished and coped with demands over the years.
...

Thanks to NONIEC for these great quotes:

Thu, 3 Nov 2011 17:50:22 EST

"When you stand still, you reject the struggle, and you refuse to change and grow. Ultimately, you reject fulfillment, happiness, the dance for joy and everything else that is eternally good."
~Matthew Kelly, classical actor and game show host

"I do not believe in stagnating; I believe in embracing and affecting change. I am becoming the kind of person who has as much love and passion for herself as for others. I have been sparked and my flame shines oh so brightly!!!
...

BMR 1491 - Avg daily exercise burn 350/day (JUMP START-RESULTS?)

Sun, 23 Oct 2011 18:49:08 EST

BMR 1491 lightly active (5'4", 53yrs, 182lbs)
If I want to lose a pound a week I need a deficit of 3500/wk.
How to get there? And does this sound right or wrong to you wise Sparkfriend comrades?

*Eating 1491 daily means wt loss has to be ALL exercise
*3500/ 350 means 10 days of exercise for every pound

*OR REDUCE INTAKE TO 1200/day means
290 credit per day x 7 = 2030 wk
With additional 1500/week needed from exercise 1500/350 =
DEFICIT ...

Fire Keepers

Tue, 18 Oct 2011 11:23:26 EST

Love love love Mamadwarf's blog from today!
http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public
_journal.asp?id=MAMADWARF

I want to remember what I wrote back to her today, so here it is:
Gosh! Thanks for this! YOU fired me up!!

"Am I gonna just sit and rub 2 sticks together, hoping someone comes by with a lighter?; Am I going to sit and warm my hands by someone else's fire or am I gonna build my own? "

Love these. And all too too true.
Reading of Holly...

Twenty Tips Learned Along the Way

Wed, 12 Oct 2011 15:02:27 EST

I clipped this list from MICHCLEARY's Blog of August 30, 2011. I liked it so much that I printed it. Now I want to put it somewhere where I can find it again, and I think some of you may really like it too. So here it is:

TOP TWENTY TIPS learned along the way (from MICHCLEARY)

1. If your diet is poor your progress will be slow. Eat healthy.

2. Can’t is a state of mind that I won’t entertain… and neither should you.

3. You get out of it what you pu...

home safe

Mon, 10 Oct 2011 20:25:45 EST

whew. home! i loved my trip to babysit my niece. it was an honor and a joy to provide safe consistent daily life for her while her mom traveled for a professional conference.

living on their schedule. living in their kitchen. passing a pantry full of nuts and dried fruit and "gorp" and drawers full of crackers and cookies and candies - the healthy kind, even ..... well... THAT was really a challenge; THAT was tough... That broke me down over the time there.
so..................

pumpkin - head

Sun, 25 Sep 2011 17:25:49 EST

Hi me. Don't you just love all the white pumpkins showing up in all the home mags this month? Fall is just beginning. I bought one. A tiny one. Love it.

I feel like a pumpkin. No, not a bumpkin. A pumpkin. Happy. Round. About to become something = a pie, a coach, a jackolantern.

nahh... i'm making no sense at all.
(I hope no one's reading this. I just need want to spew some speech... and find out why I've eaten 1250 calories and it's only 4:21pm)

...