PHYLODIA's SparkPeople Blog PHYLODIA's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community How I feel Today I am happy and productive. Yesterday I was massively depressed for no reason except lack of sleep. Wed, 25 Sep 2013 18:03:57 EST I really don't understand blogging I always feel that if this is for everybody, why would people want to listen to me whine? I think a blog to be read should be entertaining and positive. I feel guilty when I write about bad stuff. I also feel bored. I just don't want to think about the bummer which is my life right now. Thu, 19 Sep 2013 12:55:01 EST Today's Visualization Energized me. Look back on the changes you are making today as an old person. Hey, I'm already old, but I have to make big changes now to make my remaining years happy. My SO who is 80 and wealthy will leave me with nothing when he dies. I need someone who cares about me. I don't want o live my last 13 years of my life in destitution. He will die when I am 80. I can't start over then. I have to plan now.. I am doing that. I can't really say what I am thinking here because no one will understand. ... Sat, 10 Aug 2013 17:07:50 EST Current exercise program I have been doing Spark everyday for three months and have not lost an ounce. However, I am not quitting. I just keep trying new things until something works. I have been able to stop my mood swings pretty much by eating everything on the menu at regular intervals. The only thing that makes me have low blood sugar which means bingeing is when I get carried away and work to hard and long without eating or resting. I did that day before yesterday, but I only ate a half package of peanuts. ... Sun, 28 Jul 2013 11:04:41 EST I have been doing this for three months Haven't lost an ounce. However, I was bingeing every few days. I would not eat part of the menu, like skip the fat or the fruit. I realized that I was getting desperately depressed because my blood sugar lever was too low. And then I would eat anything to try to feel better. Now I control my emotions by carefully balancing each meal and eating everything on the list. It's been a week and I have not binged or gotten depressed. I thought I was eating one-half of the suggested menu, but I ... Wed, 17 Jul 2013 11:52:46 EST I feel much better I have seriously eaten everything on the diet. It is balanced to prevent insulin spikes. Soo I have not gotten extremely tired and depressed for three days. I have been forcing myself to work out at the gym everyday at 2. I feel the endorphins and I don't get depressed. This works. However, my SO feels threatened by my improvement so he is acting more grumpy and controlling than usual. Can't let him drag me down. Sun, 14 Jul 2013 02:52:40 EST Insulin resistance causes cravings!! Today I am aware that insulin resistance causes low blood sugar in cells which makes you feel emotionally awful, You crave sugar or food. You obsess about it because you don't feel right. The balance in the diet of protein, fat and carb is really important to prevent spikes and drops in bsl. Today I am eating everything, but exactly one-half. I am on the diabetic diet. I think it must be extremely well-balanced. This really worked, I felt awesome all day and had no cravings! <BR> <BR> <... Fri, 12 Jul 2013 02:23:24 EST Mindfulness I am trying meditation by being aware of the immensity of the universe. Hubble telescope has found that the universe is vastly bigger than we ever imagined. Just in our galaxy, the Milky Way, there are tens of billions of solar systems. Our sun is a small star by comparison. If you hold out your arm and put your fingers one centimeter apart, Hubble has found ten thousand galaxies in this tiny space. Imagine! In every direction, in every square centimeter there are thousands of galaxies!... Wed, 10 Jul 2013 00:43:21 EST It is working some I think Spark is retraining my brain. Even when it seems nothing has changed. I still do it anyway. I have stopped craving so much. Cut back on bingeing and actually think I look much better. Remnants of my old self. I eat mostly only beanstuff. Dave's recipe, 150 calories per cup. As much as I want. And swim or super fast hard workout in the home gym. Thu, 20 Jun 2013 23:52:19 EST New refined goals-SPARK WORKS! I believe that Spark is actually working. It has directed me to learn more about the way I function. I now have three streaks going. <BR> 1. Go to the club and circuit train everyday <BR> 2. Eat the menu, but only half, I can't lose weight with too many calories. <BR> 3. Don't pig out at night. <BR> I have, in addition kept myself really full by drinking sugarfree metamucil to fill me up when I get hungry at the wrong time. <BR> Right now it is 9pm and I am stuffed on only 650 calories. <B... Tue, 14 May 2013 23:42:28 EST Notice: I have discovered how to end cravings! Make a list of all the horrible things that will happen to you if you don't lose weight. And a list of all the things that you will miss and won't happen. <BR> I put mine on my notes on my iphone. <BR> The second your mind moves to craving, read your list. It works! <BR> You have to do it just at the beginning. If you wait until you are fully engulfed in your craving, you won't even read it. So far I am conquering my sabotaging myself. Yeah! Wed, 8 May 2013 23:02:06 EST Signs I am healthy Sleep well, tons of energy, no knee pain. Happy outlook. Good mood. Joy. Sun, 28 Apr 2013 10:02:40 EST My vision for myself. New stuff. Mantra. <BR> Say "I am rich, happy, and I am giving all my property away," hundreds of times per day. <BR> One big goal, enter one beauty contest. <BR> Next big goal, get thin by July 20. My 50th reunion. <BR> <BR> Forgot to save changes. I have been trying to lose 15 pounds for the last ten years, and only managed to gain 45. This has got to stop! I eat well and exercise most of the time, but every three days or so I binge on the nearest fattening thing I can find. When I do ... Sun, 28 Apr 2013 09:57:49 EST I just got that this is for other people I put stuff in here that I would never say to anyone I know personally. I don't complain to friends, family, or anyone, actually. Now I am only going to be positive. I am getting ready for the Iris festival garden tours. We have the oldest, most interesting house in town, a hacienda called Casa Carolina, built by my SO and his parents in the 40's. Yesterday we worked like dogs moving furniture for a friend. I ate healthy to keep my strength up, a little different from my normal diet. O... Sun, 28 Apr 2013 09:22:28 EST A note back to a response GLC2009 <BR> I wrote this: Probably shouldnt. I don't like to drag people into my pit. <BR> <BR> Let's see. I have had kind, loving men who live off me and destroy me financially. nI CA there is no common law marriage. He owes me nothing. He is generous with food and home expenses, he is very soft-spoken. But, he has never expressed affection, or said anything positive to me. He never says thank you. However, I live in a fabulous showcase and am queen of the house. I only worry a... Wed, 24 Apr 2013 11:19:45 EST Prepare for next depressed episode. With more aerobics I may not have so many. Tue, 23 Apr 2013 11:49:06 EST New Day Sun is shining. i am going over to Pat's to help finish the scrapbook. Lovely. I have that the only way to get out of this mess is to do 30 minutes of aerobics per day. I pretty much diet fine, I have to anyway for my heart. I don't want some bozos to cut open my chest, turn off my heart, hook me to a machine, strip veins out of my legs and sew them to my heart. No thank you! Dancing everyday is easy compared to that. <BR> Also it is the only way to get my figure back. Got to get out... Sun, 21 Apr 2013 11:04:43 EST I actually drank 3 shots of tequila mixed with Mt. Dew per day. that isn't much. I usually just drink a whole bottle of wine in one day when I get freaked out by my SO. I think it happens every 10 days or so. That's how I have learned to deal with the stress of constant nagging and put downs from my SO. <BR> He considers every infraction of his rules is a glaring example of my unworthiness and lack of character. He will not commit to me in any way. He lets me live here rent free as long as I act like a wife and cook and clean, etc. But I am not good e... Thu, 18 Apr 2013 13:14:49 EST Life Sucks I just got trashed by three horribly stressful events. A huge unexpected bill, a ten day delay in evicting my tenant, and a string of control freak put downs from my SO. I went off my diet and drank tequila for 4 days. And slept. I drank very little, but it made me depressed until I skipped a day. I forget that alcohol makes me depressed until it is completely out of my system. Oh also, I starved myself all week and did not lose an ounce. If I don't lose wt. I will be stuck living in an ... Wed, 17 Apr 2013 15:42:36 EST Has this been fun? So far the food part has been creative and enjoyable, I am never hungry. The exercise, I hate. I mostly hate it before I do it. Doing it is only slightly depressing. It feels good, but I hate it. I usually think I hate it a few times during. I look better and feel better and my knees are getting better. The only exercise I can think of that I liked was playing tag, a hot day at the pool with the other kids, dancing on stage to music I like. Cowboys and Indians with my sister and brot... Sun, 14 Apr 2013 10:55:27 EST WOW. I feel great. I haven't lost weight but I feel really happy for no good reason. I just see how wonderful my life is. I am free to be endlessly creative, I get to sing solos, I have lots of meaningful projects and lots of freedom. I just can't travel. Dave doesn't want to. Fri, 12 Apr 2013 23:14:19 EST It's OK too feel bad. Tomorrow I will shake up my workouts by actually going to the gym. I have been lazy. I do work out every day in my home gym, but not very. I weighed myself, haven't lost an ounce for a week. I can't figure it out. I ate about 700 cals per day. I either have to go on Atkins or really stick to 600 with bean stuff only. Fri, 12 Apr 2013 22:12:13 EST must write something Today I filled out the proof of service for the unlawful detainer. Next Tuesday back to the court. <BR> Five things I want. <BR> Wealth, beauty, health, love, power. <BR> When I stay on my diet and exercise and do Spark, I will get health, then beauty, then love. then wealth and power all along <BR> Thu, 11 Apr 2013 23:51:02 EST I found the world's cutest bathing suit With a flamingo on the front. i am going to post a disgusting pic of myself in it. Sat, 6 Apr 2013 10:51:05 EST Core Values I am reading the Spark book. It asks for your core values. I forget, I gave up. I guess. I did have them when I was doing Tony Robbins, but went south in the last 10 years. Then I remembered that I had a fleeting dream that the real purpose of life is to experience as much joy as possible. I do believe that. Right now I would have joy because I live in a great situation. But my wealthy octogenerian mate regards me as cheap help/roommate. I live in terror of what will happen to me when h... Wed, 3 Apr 2013 11:28:25 EST Every Day I will write and focus on the dream I am in a lovely place, more lovely than the Casa. I have a doting man who totally cares for me. I feel safe and loved and spiritually connected to him. I have a purpose, and he allows me totaly freedom and I get to live the way I want. He has already gotten my teeth capped, paid for the Oaks, planned a trip to Machu Picchu and adored me to pieces. I deserve this it is my destiny. Tue, 2 Apr 2013 11:13:08 EST Challenge of Moderation Every few days I start drinking in the afternoon. About half the time I just have a glass of wine. And that's it. The other times I drink the whole bottle which is really fattening. How can I stick to moderation? Sometimes a glass of wine really makes me feel better if my body aches all over and I still have a lot of work I want to do. I know, I will measure out my glass and pour the rest down the drain! Mon, 1 Apr 2013 15:19:49 EST From now on I will skip the bad days. I mean I will not try to feel better by eating the right thing. I will hibernate. I could go to Disneyland. It's impossible to feel bad there. I am going to track what makes me feel bad. This morning I got intermittent sleep, but it is sunny and I feel fine. <BR> I KNOW, NEXT TIME I WAKE UP TO A HORRIBLE DAY I WILL MAKE JEWELRY OR WATERCOLOR! FUN AND CREATIVE. <BR> Also , don't forget about the cruise job and school. Sat, 30 Mar 2013 11:10:02 EST Goal, learn something from my last mess up. Yesterday I felt horrible, physically and mentally all day. Nothing I ate helped until I started drinking wine. Then it was a fuzz from then on. Hey, Maybe that's OK! Maybe I'll just stay drunk on my bad days, which is not that often. Or, I could take a bath, find a really comfortable place and read a really good book. Pretend I am sick. Drinking may not be that great because I don't feel too well today either, maybe it was the wine. I don't know. I do feel better when I go to the gym. Fri, 29 Mar 2013 15:11:30 EST Am No Longer Sleep Deprived I still feel crummy, but I went back to sleep til 10am. Got up at dawn to see if the owls were feeding their lost baby that fell out of the nest. Hope he is OK, we put him back up in the tree as high as we could. Feel depressed. Maybe I will just pretend I am not depressed and see what happens. Fri, 29 Mar 2013 15:02:03 EST I feel so negative I guess I could just as easily feel positive. Fri, 29 Mar 2013 10:31:03 EST Tracking cravings. I had only coffee this morning with hazelnut creamer. <BR> Got hungry about noon. Had veg soup and chicken breast. Fill full. <BR> Around 2pm i was hungry again, I am working hard in the garden. I had some diet cranapple juice with diet 7-up. <BR> For dinner I had more veg soup , some cheese and a coleslaw salad with diet Italian. <BR> Got a craving for sweet so I ate strawberries dipped in coolwhip. I was fine. <BR> Later some bubble water <BR> Next day <BR> Hungry at llucn. had two At... Wed, 27 Mar 2013 15:58:36 EST What I know I will soon have Wealthy, fabulous last twenty years <BR> Teeth capped <BR> Facelift <BR> Opera sing <BR> Travel everywhere <BR> Toyota pick-up <BR> Great man who really adores me <BR> Give BeechHouse to Brooke and Johnny <BR> Give Trailer to Vernita <BR> Tue, 26 Mar 2013 11:36:32 EST What I have now Fabulous, intriguing home <BR> Handsome, wealthy, soft-spoken mate <BR> Lots of cats <BR> Treble Clefs <BR> No daily financial worries <BR> Great family <BR> Nice friends <BR> Perfect health <BR> Prius <BR> <BR> Tue, 26 Mar 2013 11:32:27 EST Only did the first thing on the list I talked to Sherril about evicting my tenant while she is in jail. Her brother is moving her stuff into storage. I finished painting the bedroom. Lovely misty green. I eat or drink alcohol when I am really stressed or to reward myself for accomplishing something. Last night a made a big batch of french fries. I never eat french fries. But since I had only eaten my 60 calorie soup all day I didn't go over my limit. <BR> Tue, 26 Mar 2013 11:05:21 EST What a gorgeous day My Spark streak is to eat two fruits per day. forever. Today I will finish painting the bedroom, go to the storage place and try to find Stan. Fill out the eviction forms. I really need new glasses. And I need my teeth recapped. Work out at the gym and make 5 planters. Call Del Fino. And Marlys. I also will post photos of me in the same position as the skinny cheesecake as I make progress. I will also make some videos to post. Mon, 25 Mar 2013 11:02:11 EST Bucket list Todays program was to make a list. Mine is find a deep, real and committed husband. Be wealthy, give back and sing Opera, if I could have anything I want. I must pretend that this is true now. Always know that it is true. Sun, 24 Mar 2013 14:10:42 EST Dave is on a tear He has started up criticizing and arguing. Controlling. Fortunately I can completely avoid him by staying in the guest house. As soon as I get down to 160 I am starting to manhunt. He is using me as cheap labor, does not commit in anyway. A rut that is enjoyable in many ways, but if I wait until he dies my life will be in the toilet. Now is good, but the last 20 years of my life will be eating cat food living in an old Buick. Sun, 24 Mar 2013 14:08:12 EST Days of Perfection In case anyone is worried about Perfection, my standards are really low. For instance, I don't have to exercise, just show up at the gym. I don't have to exactly cut the Spark diet in half, I can actually have all the calories and still stay within my goals. <BR> I feel really great when I stick to the program on days I am really down, physically andor mentally. Sat, 23 Mar 2013 11:45:20 EST One day of perfection didn't kill me! I will do it again. Today, aerobics, I think I will do Sweatin to the Oldies. that won't hurt my knee. Stick to diet, circuit train at gym and paint am, go down to Redlands this afternoon. Easy challenge. <BR> This day turned out awful. I didn't get anything done except a little gardening. Dave got mad at me for not massaging our temperamental gardener properly. He didn't have time to mow so Dave did it. I felt achey, very tired and emotionally deflated. However I stayed on my diet and e... Wed, 20 Mar 2013 11:19:15 EST So much for turning After yesterday's revelation I decided to retake my 1972 cheesecake photo. Wow, was I shocked! I do not look anywhere near that fat when I look in the mirror. I will publish it. I want to really see the gravity of the situation. So today I am going to try to be perfect. Belly dance to my new tape, work out at the gym, drink 8 glasses of water. Paint the bedroom. It's not THAT hard. Tue, 19 Mar 2013 12:20:28 EST This is a Turning Point I have been reading Self Matters, by Dr. Phil for a few days. Wow, I discovered something. Firstly, I have always been sabotaged by my SO of ten years. He does exactly the opposite of what I ask to help me lose weight, while contending that he will not consider me a "real mate" until I get thin. Meanwhile he lets me stay as a cheap house servant. This morning's revelation: He does not want a real relationship. He is so blocked emotionally, he can't do it. So as long as I am fat, he has a... Mon, 18 Mar 2013 15:36:00 EST Life is Fuzzy I am lost in a quagmire of gardening and planning because my house is on a garden tour for the Iris Festival. Body aches like being hit all over with a bat. Yesterday I laid on the ground to cut a hose that was wrapped around the ride on lawnmower blades. I am having lots of fun! This place, Casa Carolina, is so creative. I just have to remember I want to be thin again more than anything so I can live my authentic self. Sun, 17 Mar 2013 13:56:16 EST Ridin' tractor all day Mowed 4 acres. Dave and I each on a mower. Took us 4 hours. A hose got wrapped around the blade 4 times. That was a challenge to remove! I am still vibrating. Stayed on diet. Can barely walk. Fri, 15 Mar 2013 22:52:25 EST Watched Monarch of the Glen I needed to not walk. I vegged out. I went off my diet. I will feel better tomorrow, I have to paint a room. Thu, 14 Mar 2013 01:26:20 EST I have unzipped my jeans several times today I am quite tired did not sleep well. Gorgeous day. Many errands. Feel crummy, tired, and unmotivated. And like I don't care. Maybe I'll take a nap. Don't be hard on myself. Just don't eat. Wed, 13 Mar 2013 16:50:59 EST Much Work I have plenty to keep busy today. I must clean and decorate for a St Patrick/mardi gras party. I started at 7 am. I am glad I dd nothing yesterday except wash my hair. My knees don't hurt today. I was down because I spent some time with my SO and he ruined it by back-seat driving. Sat, 9 Mar 2013 11:32:35 EST Worlds best breakfast Breakfast must have veggies. Yesterday I had: <BR> One egg scrambled with mixed bell peppers and onions <BR> A slice of baked sweet potato with a little yogurt on top <BR> Chicken breast strps marinated in hot sauce <BR> <BR> I was not hungry all day and easily thoughtlessly stuck to my diet. Fri, 8 Mar 2013 10:51:31 EST Assignment Excuses I often talk myself out of going to the gym by saying I am too shy. I hate people watching me. Some days it feels worse than others. I can still hike and work out in my home gym. Or dance to the Sweatin to the Oldies tapes I got at a garage sale. Wed, 6 Mar 2013 22:43:17 EST Down Day, with a big up I felt ill all day. Achey, tired, sneezy, cold. Fighting off flu again. I am in the middle of painting the bathroom. Slept and read all day. No exercise, but I did stay on my diet. Last time I used feeling ill as an excuse to eat wrong. It didn't make me feel better and just got me off track. The good news is that my tenant that I am evicting got married, Yeah! She will be moving in with him. <BR> Yesterday someone who is only 22 sent me a note saying that I am a golddigger. I say If ... Wed, 6 Mar 2013 22:31:19 EST