PETILLE007's SparkPeople Blog PETILLE007's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Please love me (me to myself) I fell off the wagon <BR> I lost sight <BR> <BR> I don't trust myself to commit <BR> I have many proofs i lack consistency. <BR> <BR> I need to love me <BR> I need to stop being scared Sat, 8 Mar 2014 13:50:33 EST Hello world ;) I won't talk for long. I will just practice writing with more consistency. Well, that's a true statement for failure. <BR> <BR> Ok lets rephrase... I am committing myself to write 3 times a week. <BR> <BR> ;) <BR> <BR> Bye for now :) <em>334</em> Wed, 8 Jun 2011 19:57:52 EST Shall I say F*** the abundance mentality? Lord knows how tempting it would be in the spot I'm in, from the perspective I get in this pothole I stucked myself in. Cuz I decided to believe it's "JUST" a pothole. <BR> <img src=""> <BR> My old programming comes back in full force boasting thoughts such as "It always comes to the same thing" " Every time you are on the path to something all fall aparts" "I don't know what to do" "I feel exhausted (which is true)" and so on. <BR> <BR... Thu, 7 Apr 2011 14:36:40 EST Working on it! I am still completely out of whack given the last 5 weeks major life changes but I feel I am making progress in reshaping my daily habits. <BR> <BR> I am very tired but too stimulated and motivated to realize it. However, I now know the difference. The clarity I have when I am properly rested does not lie. <BR> <BR> I am going to sit and make a list of all that is in my brain at this time, make priorities and find a way to rest while having things getting done (what am I going to do, clone ... Wed, 23 Mar 2011 15:00:18 EST Desorganized to the max! But its part of the positive too! Oh well! <BR> <BR> It is not dramatic. And the last few months incredible progress have rooted strongly in me the confidence and trust, that I will be able to reharmonize all the new things that have entered my life with the previously acquired new skills and routine. <BR> <BR> I have decided that steps back do not exist. What we call wrongly a step back is a DELAY or PAUSE that we can use to assimilate, integreate, rethink replan, relearn. <BR> <BR> Life is too complex to expect to get i... Sun, 20 Mar 2011 14:07:31 EST Last week update ;) Oh well, I have slacked on the blog haven't I ;) <BR> <BR> Last week I took pictures that really made me feel amazed about what I have accomplished since September. Here they are! <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I have some difficulty managing my energy as having more makes me overdo... but I'll get there :) <BR> <BR> Sat, 5 Mar 2011 15:48:11 EST Eat healthy chocolate, get your health back, a boyfriend and your dream job?!? That could well be my new campaign theme! <BR> <BR> As I shared since September, my health has greatly improved, as I included the healthy chocolate wellness system into my weight loss program, which so far as yield to a 40 pounds weight-loss a dramatic reduction of fibromyalgia shooting pains (from 8 an hour to less than 3-4 a week) a stabilization of the global pain between 5-6 on a 10 scale (from a yoyoing 5 to 8), increase of energy. I also have been able to go without my morning and aft... Fri, 18 Feb 2011 21:02:25 EST What happens between Day 15 and Day 43? During challenge 1, I stopped taking pictures for 29 days, and again, during challenge 2, the same situation occurred... <BR> <BR> To be truthful, during these weeks, i felt little improvement was made or that I was going backwards, so, in total denial, I did not take pictures. First two weeks I am motivated and doing great, and than when I see the end nearing and the fact that the objective will not be attained, I do some more effort so that "it does not look too bad", "at least some impro... Wed, 16 Feb 2011 12:47:37 EST Vigil and Justify my new "friends" Yesterday, I realized that for the last few weeks, I have been logging, but my sabotaging brain was acting out, in the background. <BR> <BR> It was pretty insidious and was slowly but surely making progress at reinstating old lifestyle habits. At first sight, one could have thought that all was well, since I was still logging. However some symptoms did not escape the vigil I have put in place whose job is to keep me truthful. <BR> <img src=" Fri, 11 Feb 2011 10:43:16 EST The power of the mind <img src="">We have incredible resources within that most of us undermine or ignore, for having been "programed" through our education childhood and the experiences (the interpretation we were taught to make out of them) that punctuated our path. <BR> <BR> 6 weeks ago, I undertook John Assaraf's brain training system. Within a week into it. I started making my bed every morning. Don't ask me why. The program does not say to make your bed... Sat, 5 Feb 2011 13:06:59 EST I just created a way to make myself exercise! I will disclose more soon but this is soo funny, and makes exercise a DELIGHT! Who would have thought that I could say something like that! <BR> <BR> Look. I am not running or doing formal strength or flexibility work here. But I do a bit of cardio, of flexibility and strength. I am building the foundation for more. <BR> <BR> So I have a two days streak already! <BR> <BR> <em>345</em> Mon, 24 Jan 2011 13:20:43 EST Eurêka! My bath tub epiphany moment. <img src="">So I was in the tub. With my iPhone (I'll get to that later). I had just gotten in the tub and, although i could have just relaxed, I did not have my headphones to listen to the theta meditation (and since i had already done it in the bus...) So, I grabbed the Spark and started reading. Lots of great stuff- darn! no highlighter. I folded the pages' corners. After a while, it felt like there was already too much stuff i wanted ... Fri, 21 Jan 2011 17:24:17 EST C2 - Day 22 194 (1# less) Though on the compare pic we can see that i swell up a bit. So my last 4 day in bed really affected my muscle mass... I read that you can loose up to 25% of your muscle mass in 7 days of bed rest. (Good thing it slows down after that!) So its not really any real weight loss, especially since I have been prolific on the calories all week, at an average of 2000 per day... <BR> <BR> I guess i am a bit demotivated right now. That no job (and being completely honest, not really looking forward ... Wed, 19 Jan 2011 13:27:32 EST Let's make a list! Warning soap box out! Of all the things that need serious fixing in this society. But let's be specific. Peace, hunger etc is not what I'm looking for here but rather programs or companies that need to be put on the right trail.. <BR> <BR> I will add a link here later when i finish setting up an online list but meanwhile put your ideas in comment to that blog entry. <BR> <BR> Here is one i discovered this morning. This organism (lecentredetransition) is searching for an employee willing to work every week-end pl... Mon, 17 Jan 2011 11:49:45 EST C2 - Day 15 gained 4 lost 6 -Bottom line 195 (2# less) Except for the last 3 days where I went overboard with eating stuff I don't even know how many calories there are (and lost weight?! what's the deal here!) I have started C2 on a steady course, taking my two shakes a day. Of course 2# does not show much difference on picture but here it is, for the records <img src=""> Wed, 12 Jan 2011 14:04:30 EST Wow... 2 weeks already? Time flies?! <BR> <BR> I had not realized that my last entry was so long ago; and it might explain why I felt at drift... Really logging, not just my food but my moods, through blogging, has a centering and focusing effect that I must not neglect. I have been somewhat sad and a bit demotivated lately. After 4 months unemployed and without any income, the financial strain is getting to me. My lack of enthusiasm affect my self image as well. <BR> <BR> And i just feel like munching. Can't wait... Tue, 11 Jan 2011 16:26:31 EST Discalorimystemagicallicamazinefaction <img src="">On December 20th... after a calorific dinner on the previous night, the scale showed me a 2# increase. Yep I had cross back on the 2**. I was a bit disappointed but decided to enjoy the few coming feast and "fix" the situation later. I truly enjoyed the following days, without any guilt, just being observant of how each situation felt. Most of the heavy meals made me question their true value on the pleasure scale, for I did n... Wed, 29 Dec 2010 14:07:26 EST Ah Ah mmmm Oh well... As it is the norm, whenever I notice something great going on... I manage to spoil it. Nevertheless, I am not being a victim this time. This is a conscious choice. And I know, thanks to the last few months of logging, I know things are going back in the right direction soon. <BR> <BR> Let me explain. I was talking about the fact that i had gotten rid of my eczema, psoriasis and so on... Well you should see my hands my scalp and the dryness of my entire skin after almost a week of ... Tue, 28 Dec 2010 12:11:18 EST Collaterals#2 If you recall, during challenge #1, I reported an increased sense of peace and well-being, self-confidence, a better self-image, and with the weight loss, the belief that I can and will lose it. <BR> <BR> I also reported that the occurrences of Fibromyalgia shooting pains had significantly lessened. In fact I can report now that ever since 1 month into the wellness system program, there have been only 2 periods where i experienced relapses: <BR> - during 2 weeks after that crazy week when ... Tue, 21 Dec 2010 13:06:49 EST But there is some positive too! Despite not sticking to my meal plan, and taking just one shake a day for the last week and systematically going over my calorie budget, and going to sleep past midnight... I managed going back to 199. phew! <BR> <BR> Now... enough back and forth lets move downward even more! <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Sun, 19 Dec 2010 11:42:55 EST The daily struggle is back I don't sleep well so waking up is hard. My overall pain/discomfort level is tipping to 6 which correspond to a state of willingness comparable to that of a 2 years old. I'm in the "NO" mode. Yet life continues with the requirement to make progress on things I undertook. So that creates a level of stress that is certainly not helping the rest. <BR> <BR> I know the secret would be to move a bit more, especially get some cardio going so that the sleep is better and the wheel goes back the oth... Sun, 19 Dec 2010 11:38:00 EST My true nature as a Vulcain Smurf <img src=""> <BR> <BR> as the blue skin reveals my darkest secret! <BR> <BR> ;) <BR> <BR> Oh well, applied insulation BLUE foam yesterday and have to wait until my skin sheds it. Which should take a few cycles of epithelial cells rejuvenation. Why not wear gloves would you say. I did, just forgot that I have 2 hands... Doh. Thu, 16 Dec 2010 08:39:56 EST Not much to say... I am a bit in a limbo. I have stuff to do but not much motivation energy and will. I did good yesterday in getting my room more inhabitable. The last few months, I was working more on the rest of the apartment and of course my own spot was suffering. <BR> <BR> It was great to enter in my cocoon last night, with the fresh linen, and nothing hazardous on the floor to hurt myself on. <BR> <BR> I have made a short list of stuff to do and I think the reason I am limboing is because I am not ver... Wed, 15 Dec 2010 13:22:37 EST I did not give up! I did not blog last week. I did not make it my priority. But I can proudly say that i did log every day :) even if I did not do my food regimen. I had an interim contract. When I work every day, I get completely off track usually. <BR> <BR> Despite the fact that I ate out breakfasts and lunches, I was able to keep relative sensible food intakes and most importantly logged it. I would not do the shake in the morning cuz i don't want to wake up the roommates and no way i will bring a blender f... Sun, 12 Dec 2010 15:30:39 EST Sneak peek.... :D Well, that was a very sweet sight this morning... official weighed-in will be tomorrow but i sneaked peaked and it was 199.6 Yeppy! out of the 2**!!!!!! Sat, 4 Dec 2010 12:34:32 EST The naughty kid found me! I'm actually laughing because after the first successful day of the C2, well things slipped a bit. <BR> <BR> First on Tuesday I skipped the second shake. I must say it was not for lack of trying. I was so enthusiast that I decided to create a few recipes. <BR> <BR> It had been a long time since I created something out of the shake and i wanted to give myself a few more choices of presentation of my twice a day meal replacement. Unfortunately, I have yet to master the strict contingencies ... Thu, 2 Dec 2010 12:09:41 EST Day C2#1 WOW! Well, I must say I am very surprised how smooth it went! I ate my 2 shakes, remained within the calorie budget and put myself in bed at 9pm. That was very surprising how no inner voice of protest cringed at that. Of course I did not put the iPhone down until midnight but I can live with that. For the most part I was browsing to install apps to learn a new language and find free ebooks so that i trade my play hypnothising games for something that will rebuild my general culture - and self este... Tue, 30 Nov 2010 10:50:42 EST Starting the C2 90/30/10 Looks pretty hype, doesn't it. <BR> <BR> 90 for another 90 days of Xoçai chocolate high antioxidant wellness system <BR> <BR> 30 for releasing 30 pounds of toxins and fat to the Light that will turn it into energy <BR> <BR> 10 for the new healthy lifestyle skill of going to sleep at 10 (which to be completely clear with myself, means that i must be in bed at 9 if I want to continue my playing on the iphone habit. <BR> <BR> I don't know if I am really psyched for it but i won't even go in ... Mon, 29 Nov 2010 12:50:08 EST 90-day challenge ended: assessing my "performance" First off, the results: 24 pounds less <BR> Starting weight: 226 <BR> Ending weight: 202 <BR> <BR> Starting and ending measurements: 23 cm less <BR> Waist 111...103 <BR> Hips 117...112 <BR> Thigh 73...66 <BR> Upper Arm 37...34 <BR> <BR> Comparison pictures: <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Now that being out of the way lets explore how I "feel" right now. <BR> I must say that I am conscious that my perception is deeply tainted by... Sun, 28 Nov 2010 15:46:02 EST There is a saboteur aboard!!!!!!!!!!!! <img src="">I have been pretty silent on my blog. I logged in everyday this week. But since I made no progress, was not really into sharing my guts. I am still debating whether I am sabotaging myself (4 pounds away from the 200... which should have been conquered last week) or fear the consequences of success. Which comes to the same thing really... the 90 days challenge will be over Sunday and it looks like I will be still at the 204 mar... Wed, 24 Nov 2010 11:11:58 EST "Green" Heroin or How to get to a 1547 calories salad. <BR> <img src=""> <BR> I love making huge salads for dinner. That fulfills my need to chew for longer than the "sensible" portions (well those this logging exercise thought me are sufficient to sustain my body) allow for. It is a great thing for the earth that we only need so little but I must admit it is very frustrating on my pleasure scale. <BR> <BR> Yes I am a gourmet and a 2 bites entree at Le Toqué is ... Mon, 15 Nov 2010 14:31:25 EST Day 76 Beings of habit 204 still. Have not logged in any this week. <BR> It would be pretty lame to finish this challenge still in The 200... <BR> It's upsetting to reckon that if i don't track all ends break loose. <BR> At the same time, these tools existence are the proof that this is a common obstacle for most and that the real failure doesn't lie in a lack of willpower and incompetency to pursue the regimen but in failing to use this aid. <BR> <BR> If there is one thing this first challenge must have me accom... Sat, 13 Nov 2010 14:42:48 EST Day 69 Weight in; Imagine if you had been strict... 204 :)))) <BR> <BR> Getting really close to change that 2 for a 1! <BR> <BR> Well this week i have not come here at all... Did not log my food.... and i did do stupid food choice. I was in emotional distress. Its amazing to notice how sollicited we are and how easy it is to go lower and lower when your vulnerable and your weakness is food for comfort. It stroke me even more when at the pump while the tank was filling a message was scrolling: come and try our new lemon raspberry muffins! <BR... Fri, 5 Nov 2010 18:41:22 EST Day 62 Weight in and Pictures! Having passed the 2/3 milestone of this challenge I reckon I have made tremendous progress on many aspects of my health and lifestyle. Of course I am still not the everyday routine girl (I have a lot of life left to acquired that <em>211</em> ) So, drum roll... <BR> <BR> 207! Yep... despite that most days this week I only did the shake once a day (I had a need to chew) I still lost 3 pounds. I am so excited cuz I am definitely on my way to get out of the horrible 200+ <em>334</em> <BR> ... Fri, 29 Oct 2010 11:28:26 EST Day 56 Weight-in 210. Nope, the scale does not show any pound shed. But I think I know why. I suspect I have put on a bit of muscle mass. I feel my butt tighter and my waist a little more cut. <BR> <BR> I have not tracked diligently this week as I spent most of it being very busy with renovation or paperwork. However, I do not recall any catastrophic binging. I know I have had a lot of trouble getting the water in and my bladder was not really happy. That is an unfortunate consequence of the fall for me. I g... Sun, 24 Oct 2010 08:44:16 EST Collaterals I stopped feeling fat. I feel normal. <BR> I even think of myself as a desirable person. What a change being on the downhill slope makes! <BR> <BR> For the last 3 years, I cringed when thinking of my physical appearance, saying "my big fat self" when referring to me... Having been a model in my youth was not to help. <BR> <BR> The last three years, every attempt at loosing weight ended up with a weight GAIN (not muscle mass mind you). The medication for fibromyalgia just aggravated that te... Sat, 23 Oct 2010 11:16:59 EST Falling in grace! Yesterday, I realized that I generally, as a whole, feel much better than a month ago. I also feel more at peace, and, I am not sure it is the way to say it in English, but, I feel the "state of grace" I was in during my first 18 months living in Venezuela, coming back to me. <BR> <BR> I was on the bus for a short ride to the mall. I dislike taking the bus. I am generally uncomfortable with the crowded moving promiscuous settings. I was annoyed by the frowning faces of people, by the stupidi... Fri, 22 Oct 2010 13:31:53 EST Took a day off I took a day off the shake completely yesterday. I did not go on a junk food spree though. I simply did not feel like having the shake yesterday. Nevertheless, this morning I did feel i wanted to take it :) <BR> <BR> Since the whole week where I was out of shake, this is the first time I don't take it at all. Its a good thing that it is so low in calories and yet brings in so much antioxidants. After a while, it becomes rather monotonous so the other food intake during the day make up for i... Mon, 18 Oct 2010 09:56:44 EST Day 48 - October 16 2010 Half way through the 90 days Challenge! <BR> <BR> I am actually happy. After the last 3 years where every weight loss attempt resulted in weight gain, this is a happy change. And a good one. Also fibromyalgia shooting pains have subsided. Haven't had any in the last week. This is great! <BR> <BR> I am a little less out of breath. Doing some electrical work in awkward position fishing wire between floors has me discovering muscles i did not remember so its good exercise. I can climb up the ... Sat, 16 Oct 2010 11:38:28 EST Was here today Well thats about it. It stopped raining so I feel a bit better physically. I also noticed that I have more energy as a whole. <BR> <BR> I have had lots of craving the last few days. Being more active doing construciton work in the house, I usually had a hard time waking up in the morning because of aches and that would end up sabotaging my feeding habit since I would only do the lunch shake instead of twice a day. <BR> <BR> My friend suggested I still do it twice, one at wake up and one ... Tue, 12 Oct 2010 15:14:17 EST grumph.... (comments or suggestions welcomed!) OK. baby steps. <BR> I was here today! <BR> I realize that i stop logging my food when i feel i sled away from the track... <BR> As a result I do not have a clear picture of my progress. <BR> <BR> So my focus will be to log, log, log,!!! <BR> <BR> (why is it that when i make affirmations like that i feel i set myself to fail? Reminds me when I was a kid... Mom would ask me to do a chore when i did not want to accompany the rest of the family to some outing. I would say no. And than I would ... Fri, 8 Oct 2010 12:55:52 EST Out of shake I ran out of X-meal so today I had a solid lunch and... it was way too high in calories and not really a good choice of calories and I've felt not so good. Really I feel the difference between a high antioxidant meal and a high in free radical producing one; and quite honestly I am looking forward to go back on the shake tomorrow. Sat, 18 Sep 2010 23:58:15 EST Friday weight in Day #19 Well the picture does not show much; and there is only 3 pounds difference from last week, which is 1 more than my goal (2 per week). However my pajamas do fall off my hips so i guess there are some changes. I think from next week I will set up the camera at a very precise spot and will use the camera instead of my iphone as well as a back drop. Since i'm documenting might as well do it right. <BR> <BR> So go me :) <img src=""> <em>243</e... Fri, 17 Sep 2010 17:24:09 EST The most dangerous word I wanted to blog everyday about how I feel during this weight loss challenge. Today, I am simply thankful that I am here, now, taking a few minutes to write. <BR> <BR> It seems in life that if you get caught in the disappointments of not doing... let me change pronoun here... what I wanted to do with respect to a specific aspect of my "living being expression in action" does not turn out to be what I had in mind, I have had the tendency to abandon the project altogether. <BR> <img src="ht... Thu, 16 Sep 2010 15:21:15 EST Getting out of bed With fall and the rain and the pain and periods and an overwhelming todo list, I really don't "feel" like getting out of bed. <BR> <BR> Worst, with toughts of giving up on everything, scared of making drastic stupid moves, I want to stay in bed and sleep it off. <BR> <BR> I went way past my limits for the last 4 weeks. I was thinking... bah... i'll just sleep it off a day or 2 and than will be back on track. NOT. <BR> <BR> I realize now that this kind of thinking is not working for me. <BR... Mon, 13 Sep 2010 11:00:13 EST Fighting it all I have a challenge today. I want to stay in bed all day; I allowed myself to do it yesterday but today i can't because i have things i must do and its only possible today; I have pain but most of all, I am overwhelmed and lost interest in anything, I can't seem to keep up with anything and i am on the verge of panic. <BR> <BR> I lost clarity and focus. <BR> <BR> This is mainly because for the last 3 weeks, I have been way way past my limits and I knew it; I wanted to accomplish a few goals ... Sat, 11 Sep 2010 12:51:07 EST Sloppy success is better than perfect mediocrity - DAY 12 I had made a pretty lame video of me on day 3 of my weight loss challenge. I figured I would edit it in Camtasia to make it presentable on my official blog... Of course, I did not get to doing it; as a result, I have no video of my starting point. Ain't that a great example of how being a perfectionist can lead to mediocrity rather than the success intended? <BR> <BR> Sooooooooo... before I go on with procrastinating <img src=""> Fri, 10 Sep 2010 19:15:40 EST