PENSIEVEGAZER's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=PENSIEVEGAZER PENSIEVEGAZER's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ Being alone/relationships http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5496143 Sometimes I can be a "hot mess." <BR> <BR> I can handle professional situations with every bit of confidence, but when it comes to my personal life I have MAJOR issues with my self esteem. <BR> <BR> A few weeks ago I spent a couple of days with 2 of my guy friends. One of them made me aware of a few "personality flaws" that I have: That I can come off as condescending (though, if anyone knows me, they know I don't intend for that at all), and that I "used" to look to men in my life to valid... Wed, 25 Sep 2013 18:08:19 EST Oh Goodness... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5452389 How the mighty have fallen. <BR> <BR> Just kidding. Only my tummy has. <BR> <BR> But for serious, I have "backslid" a bit over the past couple of months. Some life events haven't been kind to my healthy habits. Neither has my episodic depression. <BR> <BR> However, 2 weeks ago I was sick of feeling gross, so I started getting back to what I know the real, forever me is like... and I've already lost some weight and feel much better physically. I started denying requests to eat out (which ... Mon, 12 Aug 2013 02:49:48 EST "Hungry For Change" review http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5297409 While flipping through Netflix last night, I found the documentary "Hungry for Change." I shrugged and watched it, not expecting much (I liked Food, INC but after I researched some of the facts, I found some of it was exaggerated propaganda). "Hungry for Change" talks about how "dieting" isn't effective, claims that whole, natural foods are essential, and exposes the dangers of some processed foods and additives. Of course whole foods are better, but they were using scientific facts to suppor... Sat, 23 Mar 2013 16:45:16 EST Weekend Worries http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5262491 Whoa this week has been crazy. <BR> Car breaking down, two snow days for my daughter, a test, a lab report, studying for tests and quizzes... It's just been nuts. <BR> <BR> I spoke too soon in my previous blog when I said I could still train for my 5K on Friday; even my daughter's childcare called a snow day, and I was lucky to find a babysitter for a couple of hours so I could make up a lab. Thus, I didn't get my work out in. That wouldn't be so bad, but it compounded with my eating habits... Sun, 24 Feb 2013 19:38:54 EST Snow Day http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5259402 Hi all, <BR> <BR> Today my city was part of Snowmaggedon. Hilarious. They shut down both mine and my daughter's schools last night even though it didn't start snowing here until 11 AM today. Now there's a good amount of snow on the ground. <em>425</em> <BR> <BR> I spent my day playing cards with my daughter and listening to music. One of my good friends lives in the same apartment complex, so she and her little man came over for a fantastic dinner of rosemary crusted salmon, bacon wrapp... Thu, 21 Feb 2013 23:18:27 EST You can call me Alice... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5258200 ... Because I'm in ONEderland!!!! <BR> <BR> That's right, for the first time in years I'm below 200 pounds! <BR> <BR> I am so glad I have made the healthy changes to my mind and habits that have led me to this point. It's so crazy (yet reassuring) to be less than 50 pounds away from my goal weight. A year or so ago I would never have thought all the positive changes I've made to my body and my thought processes were possible for me. And honestly, the most important change was to think pos... Thu, 21 Feb 2013 00:48:50 EST Down but not out http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5253916 This week I have felt slow as molasses on a winter's day. I just don't have the energy or mental clarity I'm used to. It's frustrating! Especially when I have about a million things to do for school this week. <BR> <BR> To top things off, I have not been doing well at tracking the last 3 or 4 days... not well at all. But I'm tracking today, and I'm going to go buy a bunch of fresh fruit tomorrow (I think a big problem is that I don't have anything like that at the house so I'm not making gre... Sun, 17 Feb 2013 18:38:26 EST Mid-Feb http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5249827 I'm in the 2nd week of my 5k training and it's going okay. I didn't think running would be this hard to "get," but I'm enjoying it. My knees are doing okay, but sometimes my right one bothers me. I need to do some strengthening exercises I suppose. My shins bother me when I run sometimes too. Thank goodness for google so I can look up remedies! haha. <BR> <BR> I realized I've slipped a little away from my tons-of-fruit-a-day habit. My goal for the rest of this month is to consume 4 freggies ... Thu, 14 Feb 2013 00:36:14 EST First Training Day http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5240819 So I posted yesterday that I signed up for a 5k that will take place in May. <BR> <BR> I have a confession to make: I'm not a runner. <BR> <BR> I did the couch to 5 k program a few (5) years ago, but only got about half way through it. I don't think I was stretching enough, and I think I pushed myself too hard too fast to really be successful. I have issues with that. <BR> <BR> Right now I feel like I'm in great shape, but I decided to take my 5K training slowly. Luckily my school gym has... Wed, 6 Feb 2013 22:00:30 EST New Gear and Signing Up for First 5k! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5239432 Hello everyone! <BR> <BR> So my week has started out not great again, but I'm going to push the awful cramps and bad test grade aside to celebrate my positives! <BR> <BR> I bought a new pair of running capris at Target on Saturday. And oh, gosh do I love them. I haven't used them yet, but they fit me very well; I can move in them, and they make my legs look very nice... and they're gray and blue which I love. They even have a "secret pocket" in the waist band! I will have to gush more afte... Tue, 5 Feb 2013 22:30:29 EST Yays and a Hurdle http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5233896 I am FINALLY done with my two tests, quiz, lab report, and Biochem assignment for the week! I feel relieved! One of my teachers put the grades up an hour after the test, and it was probably the WEIRDEST testing session I ever had. It was for Immunology and it was a very difficult test.... but the professor stopped everyone after awhile and played "who wants to be a millionaire" with 3 voted-on test questions... So strange. 52 tough questions on 1 piece of paper. Still, most people got a 60 or... Fri, 1 Feb 2013 23:23:05 EST Mondays are the worst http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5227572 So I've had a not-so-great start to the week. <BR> <BR> I'll preface it by saying that I have 2 exams, a quiz, and a lab report due this week. The exams will be difficult, and I have been studying for awhile but not "getting it" like normal. Oh well, I'll just keep at it. Today my Biochem teacher gave us the study guide (basically, know everything) and it bumped up my stress level a good bit. <BR> <BR> Then I went to the financial office at school about a weird charge on my account. Turns o... Mon, 28 Jan 2013 18:11:30 EST Weekend times http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5226373 So, it's the end of the weekend. <BR> <BR> I have eaten out 2 days in a row... but both days, I made GREAT decisions at the restaurants. And delicious ones at that (Hellooooo flatbread with caramelized onions, blue cheese, and mushrooms. Best thing I've eaten in a long time and plenty of food for 450 calories). Yay! <BR> <BR> Well.... the box of mini butterfingers at a movie yesterday wasn't a great decision, but I tracked it! <BR> <BR> I surprised myself by doing push ups today and doing... Sun, 27 Jan 2013 23:09:09 EST Jan 23 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5220849 Hi everyone! <BR> <BR> Bad news: I feel gross :-( I have a bad headache, and my shoulders/neck/back are killing me. Ok I got that out of the way. <BR> <BR> Last night I felt sick and accidentally fell asleep on my sofa at 9:30... I usually don't go to bed until 12, so I was surprised! I ended up sleeping in today too due to my body fighting whatever it is off... I felt a little better but I missed an important class. <BR> <BR> Good stuff!! : <BR> I went to the gym for an hour. The first... Wed, 23 Jan 2013 22:24:38 EST Cleaning out my closet http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5216345 So today was a pretty lazy day. Had brunch with girlfriends (I had a veggie omelet with egg whites and cheese on the side and it was delicious!) then did some grocery shopping.... <BR> Oh wait, then I cleaned my closet for FIVE HOURS <BR> <BR> I moved a lot of boxes in from storage a few months ago, but didn't have time to deal with them then... then I put it off for awhile. But today I decided I better bite the bullet haha. <BR> <BR> But it was great! I am trying to live more simply, so I ... Sun, 20 Jan 2013 23:56:06 EST Birthday and 70 POUNDS!!!!! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5215044 What a great day on Friday!!! <BR> <BR> I had a day of pampering... After class and working out I got my eyebrows waxed, my hair cut, and my make up done professionally for my night out. Then, as I had weighed myself that morning and discovered that I'm officially SEVENTY POUNDS DOWN, I decided to buy a new dress. I went into a "regular" clothing store (Vanity), not really expecting to fit into any of their dresses, but looking for a nice top. The sales lady was amazing and nice and, after I... Sun, 20 Jan 2013 01:13:00 EST Any Advice? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5210434 I haven't posted a blog in a few days! <BR> <BR> I am doing well! I am making great food choices, even on my birthday (which was Monday). Today I ate at one of my favorite places, an Irish Pub, and got creamy french onion soup with a side salad. I barely used any of the dressing , picked the cheese off my salad, and at least half the cheese out of the soup. I have learned that I really enjoy salad with barely any dressing. Considering I was tempted by all the other delicious menu items (loo... Wed, 16 Jan 2013 18:13:30 EST Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5203028 Morning classes went well today, then I worked out for nearly 2 hours (including a great, long stretching session). I love a good sweat-session! <BR> <BR> After that, I cleaned my house and read before picking my daughter up from school. We went to the movie store and shopped at Target. It sounds silly, but these moments, laughing and talking while shopping, really make me happy. It's when I enjoy being a mom the most; when we can have fun together and bond. <BR> <BR> I'll keep it short tod... Sat, 12 Jan 2013 00:47:04 EST Feeling confidant despite my plateau http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5201475 So, I've been at a plateau for a few weeks... and it's frustrating sometimes, but I think I am dealing really well with it! <BR> <BR> I had a great day today! I made good decisions (despite having a couple drinks with a girlfriend tonight- all tracked and within budget!). I am especially proud of my food decision for a quick lunch. I was SO hungry; it was 2pm, in between classes/work and after a work out... and I had only consumed celery/peanut butter for breakfast. I went to the cafeteria a... Fri, 11 Jan 2013 00:45:24 EST My Wednesday http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5199758 Today I confirmed my place in a research lab for the semester, yay. I will be researching the expression of a gene in fly embryos. Not glamorous but I am happy about it! Then I went to the gym for an hour and a half ... it felt so good! I also picked up a pedometer I ordered online and I am excited to start using it for my team challenges. <BR> <BR> The one "oops" I made was eating a little too much tonight. I'm still in my calorie range, just on the high end, but I don't want to fall back ... Thu, 10 Jan 2013 00:17:11 EST Remaining "Guilt" http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5197940 Today is one of those days where I am not feeling the drive or confidence. I haven't lost any weight in weeks... in fact I've gained 2#s... even though I have NOT eaten enough for this. <BR> <BR> In the past, I've let myself go in these situations. For instance, after the last few days' ridiculous incidents in the kitchen, I decided I wasn't going to cook tonight. I was VERY tempted to order pizza or eat out... but I decided last minute to make a healthy tuna salad sandwich with red bell pe... Tue, 8 Jan 2013 23:10:29 EST A Break from your Regularly Scheduled Program http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5196182 I like to journal mostly about my healthy-living journey on here... but I also think some people need a laugh. So you can laugh at the story of my night last night (it's okay, go ahead)... <BR> <BR> <BR> First, I sliced my thumb open while chopping an onion, and it didn't stop bleeding for 3 hours... I didn't have a band-aid, so I improvised a paper towel + tape band-aid after the bleeding slowed a little. <BR> <BR> Then, using one hand and a fork-hook to finish dinner, I burned myself on... Tue, 8 Jan 2013 00:42:10 EST My 1 and 4 year Sparkiversary! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5192518 This is my <em>503</em> and my <em>506</em> . I created a new spark page a year ago because I decided it was time for a clean slate (And my old username was horrible haha!). I realized that I joined on the exact same date each time 1/5; how odd! This got me reflecting.... <BR> <BR> This time IS different. I have a new state of mind. From the time I was 13 I had dieted, starved myself, forced myself to throw up, you name it, to lose weight. I wanted the quick fix, and didn't see the us... Sun, 6 Jan 2013 01:45:37 EST Keep going!!! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5178393 I know when you begin to make life changes such as changes to diet or activity levels it seems overwhelming... sometimes the changes are hard! But KEEP GOING!!!! I am even more firm in my belief to keep going... <BR> <BR> I learned something this week. <BR> <BR> I am on vacation right now at my parent's house... a place filled with past bad habits and overeating. I haven't been tracking my food. I decided to just let myself use the habits and techniques I've implemented over the past year. ... Fri, 28 Dec 2012 03:29:34 EST Honeymoon versus Long Term Motivation http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5147821 <BR> I have felt like I am DRAGGING this week. I took a week off of hard-core exercise due to my daughter being out of school. We went on walks, but I am someone who likes to work up a sweat. The sedentary lifestyle almost un-motivated me. <BR> <BR> My ennui led me to ponder the concept of motivation. Most people describe motivation as a driving force- a strong desire to live better or a gung-ho feeling about their healthful choices and weight loss activities. I used to think that way. But... Mon, 26 Nov 2012 23:47:24 EST Oh, I have muscles there that I didn't use before? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5142028 To start off with, I didn't work out today and I am feeling it! I am sooooo lethargic. But my daughter is sick, and I am not much of an at-home worker-outer. I may do some sit ups later though. <BR> <BR> Ok onto the title of this blog. Yesterday I ran for the first time in, oh, 3 years? I am an elliptical user (and lover), but yesterday I needed to study so I opted for the treadmill as it has better book-holders. I followed the couch-to-5K recommendations for the first week of running... and... Tue, 20 Nov 2012 23:13:18 EST Holiday Minefield http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5140968 I know the holiday season is very quickly approaching; Thanksgiving is on Thursday, and this seems to set off a storm of Holiday parties and exchanges. <BR> <BR> My goals are these: not to overeat at parties, and not to tell myself "it's okay not to track these foods because it's the holidays!" <BR> <BR> I think my biggest problem during this time is my mentality. I would always say to myself: "This is vacation!", "It's a holiday, you don't need to track this!", "You deserve this deliciou... Mon, 19 Nov 2012 23:20:35 EST Nov 17 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5138928 Today was a nice day! <BR> <BR> I wasn't productive concerning school, but I spend the whole afternoon at the zoo with my daughter and my friend. I love that I can be active like this and not get tired or worn out like I used to (though I wore old tennis shoes, so my feet were killing me!) <BR> <BR> My new life-goals are to incorporate more fruits and veggies in my diet and to drink more water. I used to drink ZERO glasses of water a day... for a long time. But lately I have been weaning... Sun, 18 Nov 2012 01:01:30 EST Wow http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5137031 Today I experienced the last night of a Tradition... my friends and I went to see Breaking Dawn at midnight (yes, stupid, but oh well). We took the normal cutesy pictures, one of which I put on Facebook. Someone commented on how great I looked and asked how much weight I'd lost... I looked at the picture again and could see it! <BR> <BR> Recently, I've felt as if my weight loss hasn't made much of a difference in my looks, but I have felt SO much better. I feel in shape, and I just feel heal... Fri, 16 Nov 2012 03:58:08 EST Good Day http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5136709 After a week of blah - not bad days, just low energy, low happiness- I had a great day today! But even the week of Blah was better than my past.... I have Major Depression (have had for years), and I started on meds about two months ago. It's amazing just to have days where I'm neither happy nor sad when I was so used to feeling sad for no reason whatsoever! <BR> <BR> I am not one to feel pride; I am a perfectionist. But today I have been feeling pride... and I have been content. I am very ... Thu, 15 Nov 2012 19:40:31 EST Looking back to look forward... my history http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5130166 So I have been feeling pretty proud about my achievements lately... more proud of the mental than the physical, though both are works in steady progress. Allowing myself to feel pride and satisfaction is very new in my life, and I am LOVING it. <BR> <BR> I thought back to all the years I have struggled with my weight and with food, and remembered that I used SparkPeople before, about 3 years ago. I had a different account then, but I logged back in today... and boy I am glad I did! I found s... Sat, 10 Nov 2012 02:09:31 EST Boreating and Ode to Journaling http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5128750 Oh goodness! <BR> I am having a flashback today. For about a month, I haven't had that "I just want to eat" feeling. I thought I was cured, ha, but it has returned today. I just ate some kettlecorn, and now I want some tuna salad. Help me. <BR> <BR> I stopped and thought "Now why am I doing this?" <BR> Thank goodness for introspection, because I found two reasons that I have always done this, and I think it's a fairly common problem. <BR> <BR> 1. I'm TOO full! <BR> What?! Wanting to eat whe... Thu, 8 Nov 2012 18:29:44 EST 7 November 2012 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5127729 New day, new blog post <BR> <BR> Today was a slightly difficult day because I am SO tired! Staying up all night to watch the elections was not good for a 7 am wake up time. Was tired all day and skipped my morning work out. I decided I am going to do an easy 20 minute work out tonight before a late dinner... because I think that will help a ton! <BR> <BR> I am so glad I have SparkPeople... I feel like I am able to read about other's success and visualize my own. It's so awe-inspiring! <BR>... Wed, 7 Nov 2012 20:31:07 EST Up to now http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5126488 This is my first blog post on SparkPeople.com. <BR> I feel as if my journey to where I am now has been extremely beneficial for me. I have changed my eating habits to be healthier, and my thoughts to put myself down much less; in fact, I have started talking to myself like a friend. The articles on this website have certainly helped me through the periods where I have felt weary of all the changes; such as my weight going up when I tracked every calorie and it should have gone down. <BR> <BR... Tue, 6 Nov 2012 18:26:15 EST