NORCALCAT's SparkPeople Blog NORCALCAT's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Mom is so amazing... She is just taking this dad is a mess! It is so strange to see my strong as an ox Dad fall apart...he never fell apart like this when his mom died. He has been talking t me about how his life will be so empty after mom goes. They have been best friends since July 20th, 1962(the day the were married). To see one is to see the other - inseparable. I am worried about him, but I know that he will be okay - we all will. <BR> <BR> My brother is coming to their house after Christmas ... Sat, 9 Nov 2013 19:37:59 EST I just wish That I could stop eating....that my mom was not dying...that my marriage was good.... <BR> <BR> Mom started palliative care this week. I am trying to take it all in. She is my buddy, my pal....we talk everyday. Who will I laugh with over my dad's silliness. mom. Pain and intense sadness have become roommates for now. I know that I will get over this...just not now... Fri, 8 Nov 2013 17:56:53 EST Another meeting and a thought... I used to be able to talk to men without being an idiot. Now, I am noticing that I cannot look men in the eyes and I stumble upon my words. <BR> <BR> I am working with a different male teacher this year and I am having a hard time looking at him and talking to him. Someone has mentioned that this is because I have become conditioned to expect to be yelled at by men. I feel as though what I have to say is crap and does not matter. <BR> <BR> This really hurts - I used to be able to ta... Sat, 12 Oct 2013 13:57:40 EST And the second meeting... was just as good as the first. We read from the Al-Anon book - and again - my life was in there. It just validates me...the way I feel...and the way my life has been for the past 25 years. I used to think that love was the answer to all things...misguided me. <BR> <BR> I know now that he has no feelings in him. He told me I was pathetic. Well....everyone I have spoken to says he is the pathetic one. And.....most of our mutual friends do not like the way he treats me - they think I can ... Sun, 6 Oct 2013 18:26:32 EST Guess where I spent my 20th wedding anniversary? I went to Al-Anon. And I was welcomed by the most wonderful women - and I really understood where they were coming from. I will be going back next Wednesday. He is still here - threatening to leave. Go ahead...leave. No one else will put up with your crap - and we are TIRED of dealing with it. DONE - we are DONE! Go find your happy elsewhere....we are happy - just the 3 of us. <BR> <BR> And if he wants to go - why hasn't he left? Because it is another one of his empty threats. Boo h... Sun, 29 Sep 2013 18:14:21 EST And he is sulking and still here... did I ever think he would change? He is so unfair to us all - so more plans for our(3 of us) future are being made. He wants to be alone - we will let him.... Sat, 14 Sep 2013 17:51:47 EST I wonder why I ever married him... then I look at my kids and know there was one(actually two) reason... Sat, 14 Sep 2013 01:58:35 EST I restarted my journey... I was at 196.6 - I am 189.0 as of this morning. The wright is taking longer to get off....but I am doing this...BY GOD! <BR> <BR> i went to an OA meeting - was a great motivator for me...I am reading You: On a Diet with TeamIndyGirl - very interesting book...enjoying it very much. <BR> <BR> Life is calm right now...hubby is fishing, daughter at work, son on his computer....wondering when the SWHTF.... Sun, 8 Sep 2013 16:05:21 EST Darn Scale! I really HATE my scale! For months, I have been the same weight - then the batteries went out in it. Put new ones in - and I have gained 10 pounds! Went to my neighbors house to check it out - and sure enough...10 pounds! DARN IT ALL! Thu, 11 Jul 2013 20:26:39 EST We said our final goodbyes yesterday - It was time for Oreonna's funeral. We came together and bonded over a sweet young girl who had so much going for her. We laughed and cried - we talked about our memories. We hugged each other - knowing it was because of her that we cared more. She gave us gifts that we never knew about until she was gone. She taught us how to love more, laugh more and how to be a friend. She showed us that it was okay to hold onto childhood dreams..she showed us how to ge human - to be true to ourselves... Sat, 6 Apr 2013 23:58:18 EST Yesterday was so hard... We had to tell the kids. The teacher and I put them in a class circle, and with the help of a counselor and Hospice, we told them that Oreonna was gone. The look of shock, disbelief and utter sadness killed us. We all cried...and told stories about this wonderful girl. We went out to the garden and planted flowers for her. We hugged, we sobbed, we held each others hands. We talked about how even though she is gone, she will always be our friend...she will always be with us. The boys to... Tue, 26 Mar 2013 10:57:47 EST Why? I received a phone call yesterday from one of the teachers I work with - one of our students died on Friday morning. She was only in 4th grade - 10 years old. She had just had her first crush on a boy...she was amazing. She wrote an essay at the beginning of the school year about how she believed in Unicorns and they "farted" rainbows - so that was how rainbows were made. She made me laugh - she was so full of love...I saw such a future for her. Now, it is gone...she is our angel in Heav... Sun, 24 Mar 2013 19:54:42 EST Friday is here! And I am so happy! The weekend is upon us and there is a rumor about a sunny one here in Northern California. <BR> <BR> Yesterday was my birthday - the hubby took me out to dinner - and bought my fav. cake and ice cream for dessert(home with the kids). It was surreal. Never has he done this...makes me wonder what he did. But, I do not want to buy trouble....I got a mushy card as well...he never does that either. I just don't know... <BR> <BR> But, I want to be more positive and upbeat ... Fri, 8 Mar 2013 09:33:12 EST Okay - BOBINVA's Idea...5 things I am thankful for... #1 - Always - My two kids...would be lost without them!!!!! <BR> <BR> #2 - I woke up. <BR> <BR> #3 - I have a job I LOVE! <BR> <BR> #4 - My dog, Sasha - she loves to walk with me and stays by my side all night(she sleeps next to me on the floor). <BR> <BR> #5 - My mom, dad and brother - my support group. <BR> <BR> Okay - I feel better this morning...thank you Bob! <BR> <BR> P.S. - #1.1 - my wonderful Spark Friends who make each step easier and pick me up when I am down...Love you all! Wed, 6 Mar 2013 11:24:57 EST Today is Tuesday - you know what that means? I am making another blog entry! <BR> <BR> I am having a hard time sticking to my plan of eating...I want to lose weight so much...I am just not motivated enouigh right now. I hate when I let crap interfear - I hate when I let it win. <BR> <BR> I do not have much to say - I am tired of whining! Tue, 5 Mar 2013 21:09:14 EST Sunday, Sunday.... Darn - how I hate those Cadbury Cream Eggs...and the cute bunny. I could eat them all year long. Thankfully, I have not seen the orange cream filled biggest weakness of all... <BR> <BR> Been having a rough time sticking to my plan of eating...trying to figure out how to get rid of the anxious feelings I have been having. Trying to just let things go and dwell on the kids. My life. <BR> <BR> I am also trying to come to terms with the fact my mom was given 1 to 2 years... Sun, 3 Mar 2013 18:57:21 EST Sometimes, I make my life harder.... I really do. I think I may be getting paranoid...and then I do not listen to my inner voice and I do things that make a HUGE mess of my life. I think I may be like my father's mother....and I did/do love that woman, I do not want to be old and bitter like she was before she died....she died alone. <BR> <BR> Alone, I am so scared of that word. And yet, I feel as though I make things out to be worse than they really are...make a "drama" in my life. I push people away, I make myself into th... Sun, 17 Feb 2013 12:42:05 EST Just trying to stay calm and focused.... And it always seems to bite me in the end. Found a picture of a woman(again) on my computer - he says - "it was a spam email that I opened." I do know that in order for a picture to get on my computer - he would have to download it - right? So, his being nice to me has a reason. He just bought me a new washer and dryer(For Christmas, Valentine's Day and my birthday) - 1,800 dollars worth - and new pots and pans. I knew something was up. I just knew it...... <BR> <BR> So, I am just pull... Tue, 18 Dec 2012 11:15:16 EST The first six days of restart... Were okay. Goodies at work fit into the plan - I made it work for me. Lost 6 back to walking for me. <BR> <BR> My husband is another subject all together. Seems everything I do is wrong and I never do anything for him. So, last night - he stormed off again...came back wasted...and I told him that I was tired of arguing. Something needs to be done about all of this. I can't take it. He said "I don't want to argue anymore either", Today - he stayed in bed ALL DAY! Got ... Sat, 1 Dec 2012 21:31:05 EST And day one of the restart was..... Okay. I walked at work and I walked last night. It is supposed to rain from Wednesday to Sunday - but, I have an umbrella! <BR> <BR> I am trying to just handle things one at a time - even if it takes more than one day to figure it out. The stress is not letting me sleep well. But if I could lose 90 pounds, I can do this again! I know I can. I have to keep positive - I have to do this for me. I have to be positive about everything in my life - even if it is the worst. Tomorrow is a n... Tue, 27 Nov 2012 10:39:54 EST After 19 pounds gained and so much time lost... I think I am back. I am still under way too much stress, but, I need to do this for me. No one else but me. I am tired of being the bitter, mean, cranky old lady. I want to be happy - I need to be happy. I joined a few OA type groups on Yahoo - reading what they have gone thru and are going thru has helped me so much. I need to find my HP again - I need God to help me thru this. I cannot be alone with myself. <BR> <BR> And that is another reason why I need Spark People. I cannot do t... Sun, 25 Nov 2012 19:20:24 EST Hello, my name is Cathy.... And I am a compulsive overeater. I have been fighting the "want/need" to eat sweets for over 3 months. I feel like a complete and utter failure. I am so stressed out at home, that I have turned back to food to comfort me. Nothing else fills me like food. Nothing else makes me feel complete. I have a need to eat even though I know that I am over-full! I am ashamed of myself. My pants are getting tighter. I need to stop. I am looking for an OA meeting in my area. <BR> <BR> Does anyone... Sun, 18 Nov 2012 00:29:16 EST Part 4 - the world keeps turning round.... And you know what - I found the Spark again! I have lost almost allof the weight I gained - and I feel like I have a purpose. Does this make sense to anyone? <BR> <BR> Same stuff here - he is still here, sleeping on the couch. Tonight is BTSN at the High school - says he is going? Who knows? Thu, 13 Sep 2012 19:06:09 EST Part 3 - Uh...... He is still sleeping on couch? I am talking to people and getting names - trying to figure it all out. So far, there is nothing I can do. <BR> <BR> Why is this all in my house? What in the world is going on? I know he is sick in the head. I know he has "issues", but - we do not deserve this crap. I am so angry and hurt by him. <BR> <BR> He complains and I have to listen. If I complain, I get ignored. <BR> <BR> Tue, 11 Sep 2012 10:49:47 EST Part 2 - I hate drama! First of all....thank you so much for all of the love, support and wonderful words you all have given me. I appreciate them all. My kids and I are okay. <BR> <BR> He is back....and I am not too sure what to do. <BR> <BR> Back - not in the house per say - but last night - he slept in his truck outside our house. He came in last night to use the internet and try to book a room at our timeshare. He hung around all morning and part of this afternoon until a friend called to invite him to ... Sat, 8 Sep 2012 19:51:29 EST My husband left me.... and I have to pick up the pieces.... Fri, 7 Sep 2012 18:32:55 EST I have a confession to make to you... I have lost my spark. I seem to have lost it in the last 2 weeks - and I do not know how to get it back. I am depressed....I am stressed....and I am gaining weight. <BR> <BR> Does anyone know any tricks on how to get it back? My day starts out good - but by the time I get home from work at 1 - it just goes downhill. I am not exercising like I should. Where did the person who wrote the last blog entry go? I want her back. <BR> <BR> I am binge eating again. Not too bad...yet. But I kn... Sun, 26 Aug 2012 12:08:09 EST What losing 90 pounds has taught me.... Nothing feels as good as seeing my ribs for the first time. Nothing tastes that good...nothing. Also, seeing my Dr. after losing the weight is SO rewarding. And the looks that people give me....yes...this is so good. <BR> <BR> But the best the self-confidence I have gained. I do not loathe myself anymore. I am not embarrassed to be seen with ME in public. I can fit into the small seats anywhere! I am aware of my body more, I actually like going places. I used to be a hermi... Thu, 5 Jul 2012 17:52:21 EST I did it! I have hit my first MAJOR goal! Oh...I cried....I really did. I have hit my first MAJOR goal. I have lost 83 pounds by my 45th birthday(this Wednesday I will be 45). I weigh what it says on my drivers license. I have not seen this weight since the beginning of 9th grade(1981). Oh....I am so amazed. I stuck with it...I can do it! <BR> <BR> I called my mom and made her cry again. My kids are proud...even the butthead hubby is proud. I am not a quitter...I am a mover and doer! Oh...this is an amazing day for ... Sun, 4 Mar 2012 18:03:19 EST It is so hard... to keep the motivation going. I weigh myself every morning - why? - because I just have a love/hate relationship with the scale. I want to be in control, and when I see a gain of any size, I freak. I get scared that I will not get to my goal weight by March 7. I want something in my life I can control, and I feel llike I can't. Other parts of my life are such a mess, and this I thought I could control. <BR> <BR> Control, what an awful word. No one can control everything. We can pret... Fri, 24 Feb 2012 10:11:03 EST I am at Mom's house.... And she told me she might have had a small heart attack while she was in the hospital. sigh... But she looks good and I am getting a lot of hugs. <BR> <BR> Plus...I am now in Extra-Large shirts! I fit in my husbands clothes! I am so happy! My mom cried when she saw me...she is so very happy for me. I am so emotional right now...but trying so hard not to cry - show anything. <BR> <BR> I am afraid I will fail at meeting my goal weight of 165 by the 7th of March. I am 169.4 as of this... Sat, 18 Feb 2012 16:27:43 EST My weight may be changing... but things at my house aren't. I thought things were getting better..until I see - for discreet dating and one night stands. <BR> <BR> COME ON!!! I have had enough of this crap! <BR> <BR> I am now in a size 14 jeans...I am weighing less than what I weighed when I started high school...but nothing is ever enough for him. I never will be enough. But, I am okay. It still hurts, I will not lie. But, I am okay. Two can play these games...and I will not lower myself to his l... Mon, 6 Feb 2012 18:02:42 EST It has been a while... and I only have a few minutes to post. <BR> <BR> Just wanted to say that my mom has a heart well as emphysema. Sigh....but she is doing that is a blessing! <BR> <BR> The lady I was taking care of a night died on the 16th of December....I really miss her. Her funeral was last Friday...I cried. <BR> <BR> But I have lost 73 pounds...and I am keeping my spirits up...loving my mom and kids! <BR> <BR> And my hubby is still being so good...I got Victoria's Secret for C... Mon, 16 Jan 2012 21:13:56 EST IT'S NOT CANCER!!!! My mom is fine - just a very bad infection - the Dr. is very upbeat about this! <BR> <BR> THANK YOU!!!! to all of you for your support and prayers! Fri, 18 Nov 2011 21:39:32 EST Mom went to the hospital today... and had her biopsy done. She called me before I went to work, and said her left lung was hurting(that is where the tumor is). She will have a follow-up soon...then we will know. <BR> <BR> <BR> And the hubby is not talking to me. He and I got into a little tiff(seems he says I tell him he is always wrong) and is sick of it, so he won't talk to me. Damn man came back after he said he was leaving! Can you say "he is such a 4 year old"? So, I am not giving in and neither is he. His probl... Tue, 8 Nov 2011 23:15:13 EST Mom went to the Dr...... and they said that she has a dime size tumor. They do not know if it is cancer, so she will go next week and do a biopsy/bronchial scope. She is very sacred....her sister died of lung cancer in 2005. <BR> <BR> My husband looked at me and said "Do you want to go down there for a few days?". I told him I should wait until the results are in before jumping to conclusions. But it was nice that he offered......and very strange. <BR> <BR> He has been nice for almost a month....I am pretty ... Sat, 5 Nov 2011 12:43:50 EST I had an OMG!!! moment today! My daughter and I went shopping for a few hours this afternoon...and I decided to try on jeans. <BR> <BR> I ended up crying in the dressing rooms at Ross. <BR> <BR> I am now a size 16 - not 24(like I was). <BR> <BR> I haven't seen this size since 1982(9th grade)..... <BR> <BR> I still get goosebumps thinking about it... <BR> <BR> And, of course, I had to buy a pair of jeans! Sun, 30 Oct 2011 23:03:54 EST Update on my mom.... My mom's regular Dr. received a copy of the report for her lungs... and said it looked good!!!! There is still a black spot on her lungs - they will do a scope of her lungs in a few weeks to see what it is and take a biopsy. Her Pulmonologist appointment is still next week, but her GP Dr. knows how she can worry. Not to mention her lids and husband(dad is beside himself right now). <BR> <BR> <BR> Thank you all for your support and wonderful words - I appreciate them! Thu, 27 Oct 2011 10:09:56 EST My new struggle..... is with my mom. Her new thing is now lung cancer...the new Dr. thinks she might have it and had her do a dye test yesterday - we won't know anything till next week.... <BR> <BR> I hate this - because it makes me feel stressed and want to eat. I will not give is still there. <BR> <BR> Will it ever go away? Tue, 25 Oct 2011 16:55:49 EST Okay - this is getting so exciting for me! I have met my second goal early - and now weigh a weight I have not seen since big hair bands and spandex - 1986 to be exact! Oh my gosh - I am so pumped up! So excited! So worried.... <BR> <BR> You see, I am getting that worry bug - the "you will fail once you meet goal" bug. The little voice in my head that tells me I am not worth it. But I argue back, "I am worth it!" "I can do this!". "I am working my butt off for this!" I think the voice might be getting scared now - I think I a... Sat, 22 Oct 2011 13:27:29 EST Sometimes, it doesn't seem to work... and sometimes, it does. Sometimes, I make the wrong choices, but I know they are temporary and I made the right choice when I changed my "lifestyle" and made a decision to change once and for all for the better. <BR> <BR> I get so angry, so depressed when the weight doesn't come off faster. I feel like I am making the right choices, but the body is still holding on to the old me. Is my body not wanting to change? Does it feel comfortable in the old me? I have had many conversations w... Tue, 4 Oct 2011 00:00:27 EST My Anniversary.... Was okay. <BR> <BR> We went to a Polynesian festival in a town near ours. Ate a little bit of yummy chicken and rice - walked around for 2 hours, then went home. Did my normal Sunday stuff, but I did bake the hubby chocolate chip cookies. <BR> <BR> And I got a card. He did not sign it with love, but he did sign it with "Looking better every day". <BR> <BR> And "Happy 18th". <BR> <BR> HUMN...... <BR> <BR> "Many times I've been alone <BR> And many times I've cried, <BR> Anyway you'll ne... Mon, 26 Sep 2011 09:47:30 EST O! MY! GOSH!!!!!! I have lost 42.2 pounds! I now weight the same weight I was when I met the hubby 23 years ago! I haven't seen this weight since 1988! Thank you Spark People....Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! Sat, 24 Sep 2011 23:53:39 EST Been a while... and not much is going on! <BR> <BR> We all got sick - today I have no voice! I am sure hubby is happy about it. This Sunday is our 18th Anniversary - he says if we feel up to it - we will go out. I know in my heart that he won't want to, so he will pretend not to feel good. Oh, well. <BR> <BR> I have found out that if you tell people that you are on a diet, they have so much information to give you(the kind you do not want). But, if you say you made a lifestyle change, they have litt... Fri, 23 Sep 2011 10:22:13 EST Is it Monday again? Or is it just a bad dream? LOL! <BR> <BR> Last night, I walked for the first time in almost a week! AHHH! It felt wonderful! Since I go to work an hour earlier Mon. - Sat. (Sunday is my only day off), I miss my evening walk with my friend Suzie. She called and let me know she misses me! So, for the month of September, I just walk the track at work(school) and try to figure out how to fit in my evening walk into my squished schedule. Darn! <BR> <BR> On another note, my husband and I ... Mon, 12 Sep 2011 10:10:46 EST Time flies when your life is full of stuff! Well, mom and dad are coming home this Tuesday from Denver - Mom is doing so much better - sounds great! She is so special to me... <BR> <BR> My morning job at the school is fabulous! and today, my friend and co-worker Christina joined Spark People! HI CHRISTINA!!!!! <BR> <BR> My night job is getting so stressful...I work for 2 ladies(mom and daughter) who have so many health problems(shingles was added this week for the mom)...I now have a knot the size of New Jersey in my left shoulder... Sat, 10 Sep 2011 22:56:03 EST I received the news that.. my mom is in the hospital. My mom is sick with emphysema and she has pneumonia. Bacterial pneumonia. And she is in Denver visiting her mom(Grams is 97). She went in on Saturday, but did not call me til yesterday at noon. The doctor has yet to tell her when she will be let go. <BR> <BR> I am in California...and I cannot go and be with her - I call her often, but only for a few minutes because I do not want to tire her out. <BR> <BR> My mom is my best cheering section....we t... Mon, 29 Aug 2011 23:43:08 EST I played hooky from work tonight... I needed a night to just be away from it all So, I am on Spark People, being with people who understand how I feel and how my new life is making me so happy! <BR> <BR> I have learned something this week....I am stronger that I ever thought I could be. Even when my life was so bad this week, I never gave up and kept going on my path to healthy me! I have had a very hard week with the spouse and my second job, and I never once gave a thought to giving up and becoming the person I never wa... Sat, 27 Aug 2011 21:30:59 EST I am so done with this... I am tired of this. Not my new lifestyle and the changes I am making, but the fact that he cannot say anything nice about what i have accomplished. Yes, I have lost weight before, and yes, I did put some of it back on... <BR> <BR> But this is different. I feel it in my heart - not just the head. I feel it in my bones....I see a vision, I see the light, I see myself being the person I have always known I can be. I love walking...I love making new recipes for my family to eat - healthy re... Tue, 23 Aug 2011 23:15:51 EST I was on a "plateau" for a week or 2 - then - all of the sudden -BAM!!!!! - I lost weight! WOW! <BR> <BR> I have been walking at work on my break (the school track) and now the other 2 aides I work with are walking with me! So much fun! <BR> <BR> So 16.8 more pounds till I hit goal number 2 - it is in sight for me! <BR> Sun, 21 Aug 2011 12:04:18 EST