NEWTINK's SparkPeople Blog NEWTINK's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Differing Perceptions Loose a pound gain two pounds loose three pounds gain five pounds no one ever said that this was not a roller coaster. Funny how people see you and see things differently. <BR> <BR> I was told recently that if i had some sort of surgery with my fitness level that i would not suffer so much . That this process would be easier. Well first off for over 40 years I made bad choices that lead to my weight problem yes some of it is genetics but i promise there were no feeding tubes over feeding me... Tue, 23 Sep 2014 05:32:47 EST Back to it !!! The past week has been very stressful with lots of unanswered questions to running about. This is a catch you up blog. <BR> <BR> When I started my 5K training my core began to hurt and well I chucked it up to implementing a new thing. I know my core god knows i have done enough work on it. Last Saturday I woke up and my entire core was hard as a brick and pained. Now step out of the core this was not muscle pain this was something else. I went to the clinic and they said that it could be an... Sat, 20 Sep 2014 05:40:25 EST Making The decision !!! After several days of debating and practice runs in the three events of running spinning and swimming. I can complete the given task in about 50 minutes with a moderate pain level to my feet which is nothing out of the normal. So what does this mean. <BR> <BR> This means on September 27th I will be competing In the Tryathlon at the gym. It took so long to decide because like everything else I was scared of failing. And you know what I might fail that day however if I dont try right now th... Sun, 14 Sep 2014 14:18:12 EST Fulfilling Goals Every day I am reminded that I am on a time limit to fulfill some goals. It becomes more evident every day that where my feet are concerned I am literally running out of time. I am focused on obtaining some goals before drastic steps are taken. <BR> <BR> I am at the beginning of the third week of 8-week Rookie running program. The goal is to be able to run a 5K at the end of the training. It is doable and it is obtainable. Every time I have tried to run a 5k i have failed. However, I am... Wed, 10 Sep 2014 11:46:10 EST just random NSV and stuff So I took a look around my page and realized i have not posted one blog in the month of August that is extreme for me to say the least. This could be for several reasons. There is a lot that has been going on for sure. I have found myself really contemplating my life and where it is and what I think needs to happen to get me to the happiest place for me. The answers have come but I am not prepared to take action on them yet. I believe that I have reached a point in my life where my mind can... Wed, 20 Aug 2014 16:19:24 EST Mirror Mirror Mirror Mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all !!! Words we use to play with when we were children before the fear and disdain for the mirror took over. As a morbidly obese person I can tell you spent 20 plus years trying every way in the world not to see myself. It has taken a long time to get to a point where i look in the mirror. <BR> <BR> Yesterday at the gym I turned the corner and saw me in a full length mirror and I stopped and just looked at me . No my body is not perf... Wed, 30 Jul 2014 05:16:16 EST BMI When you start out weighing almost 400 pounds ( hard to say ) you dont think of numbers you just think move more eat less. But I had done that before and this time was going to be the hardest since I was going it alone. Succeed or fail it is all on me. I didnt want to have excuses to fail. I didnt want someone to guilt me into something I didnt want to do what I had always done I wanted to be accountable to me. Self accountability is crucial for me for I am the only person that can handle me... Sat, 19 Jul 2014 07:55:58 EST Running Tab I have been up reading for a while now, the product of to much on my mind. I woke exhausted and I am sure that is not going to change during the day either. Since the only place in this house where I want wake anyone is at my desk this is where i am. <BR> <BR> So I was reading through blogs and thinking of a conversation I had with someone about drinking. I don't drink for various reasons: first and foremost is my husband is an alcoholic that there zaps all the fun out of the occasional dr... Wed, 9 Jul 2014 05:37:07 EST Independence day 1776 was the year that America claimed its Independence from all other countries. At the time men fought for our right to be free from tyranny, now men and women fight side by side to ensure that we remain the home of the brave and the land of the free. All those years ago we as a nation drew a line in the sand and said no more. Our country is not perfect ; however, it is still the greatest country in the world and I am very honored and humbled to be able to call myself American. <BR> <BR... Thu, 3 Jul 2014 06:02:41 EST Just catch up !!! So here we are three days before my 44th birthday and I am still not at goal weight still a long way off as a matter of fact. But you know what in the grand scheme of things that doesnt even matte. In the past year I have had injuries, anxiety attacks, depression, stress induced Eczema, Went to a very scary place emotionally; however, I never gave up on me. When faced with each issue I have taken the steps to correct it and move past it. My life isn't perfect but whose is. I have lots of pers... Sun, 22 Jun 2014 17:47:34 EST A new start In the past few months a lot of things have happened. I have to tell you that most of it has not been good. I have been mentally strained and emotionally bankrupt. I have been trying to fix me So now I will share something with you. <BR> <BR> As most know I started seeing a counselor and i said that was to fix me. However, I have come to realize that there is really nothing wrong with me. I lacked immediate support in my home life so I started seeing him just to have someone tell me I coul... Sun, 15 Jun 2014 08:17:29 EST Twilight zone weekend Freeze time : at 2:30 am Friday morning on June 6, 2014 <BR> I wake and stair at the ceiling watching the little lights from the television. I am reasonably calm all things considered. Thursday night I tried and failed again to have the conversation about my unhappiness in my life with my husband who seemed distant and disconnected from the situation, this is no surprise to me. Dealing with him is like playing Hang man, always picking a letter hoping to get to the right answer. And this ha... Mon, 9 Jun 2014 07:51:03 EST Light as a feather Today while I was at the gym I was doing an exercise. I am not really sure what it is called but you sit with your legs bent holding a medicine ball straight out in front of you and your back is at almost straight but tilted back like leaning on a pillow that is not there. Like in a seated Russian twist position just no twisting. At any rate I was using a 10 pound medicine ball. as i sit and the sweat from the position because it is not easy to hold this for 60 seconds I concentrated on the ... Wed, 28 May 2014 17:55:37 EST Casual traveler and June goals . Hard to believe we are coming to the end of May and another 5% challenge to boot. I was lucky enough to find the 5 % challenge not long after I joined Spark people. I had one season as a Cloverleaf I do believe then I thought I was going to have drop out of the challenge when I had foot surgery. Someone suggested that I try the Casual Travelers. <BR> <BR> I was very resistant to this idea because i felt like I would be doing less and I so desperately wanted to stay motivated to do more. Eve... Tue, 27 May 2014 15:56:38 EST Hierarchy of " I " needs Adventure <BR> Balance <BR> Curiosity <BR> Daring <BR> Encouragement <BR> Fundamental <BR> Gracious <BR> Hope <BR> Intelligence <BR> Joy <BR> Kindness <BR> Loyalty <BR> Macrology <BR> Nonsense <BR> Openness <BR> Pride <BR> Quality <BR> Reassurance <BR> Strategy <BR> Trust <BR> Understanding <BR> Vicarious <BR> Wisdom <BR> Xenodochial <BR> yare <BR> Zest <BR> <BR> For most of my life I have spent it worrying about others. And to be perfectly honest I was never concerned with ... Sun, 25 May 2014 05:59:49 EST M&E = spark In reflection over the past two years on spark people there are many things that the site has given to me. Probably the most significant thing though is the ability to share not only my life and my experiences but to share the understanding that I am not the only person that feels like I do. <BR> <BR> The hardest thing to me in loosing my weight is the mental and emotional parts. If you don't believe me read my other blogs they are filled with my emotions and mental aspects. Dealing with m... Sat, 24 May 2014 18:26:47 EST Just remembering Sometimes it isnt till you are forced to go back and look at yourself can you see how far you really have come. How much can one person change their body ? No surgeries no pills no nothing but the will to change and the determination to push the limits. <BR> <BR> Today as I was walking I realized i had put my tummy back in the front of my body. That should be a given but with my body build I store fat right in the belly and it tends to move over to the sides . But that is moving in the ri... Tue, 22 Apr 2014 16:41:23 EST Finding Serendipity in pixie hollow lol Today has been a busy day . Of course most holidays are busy for all of us. I promised myself that I was going to have a good day today no matter what it took. I have done exactly what I wanted to all day . I have had to ease some ruffled feathers along the way but well that is just part of the job i suppose. But in the quest to have a good day I have had a lot of fun despite the complications. <BR> <BR> I started out the day making my Easter centerpiece for my table. Nothing fancy but I m... Sat, 19 Apr 2014 16:56:31 EST A word of caution Weighing <BR> NSV <BR> strength training <BR> cardio <BR> tape measurements <BR> <BR> You weigh after you have given all you have to it for the week and the scale rewards you with a 1/2 pound down or 2 pounds up. For the next seven days you beat your body into the ground with cardio and strength training. You get up and take a walk you might even take a run. OH you have to train for this and that race. Seven days pass and you step on the scale oh no it is up another pound WTH ? <BR> <... Fri, 18 Apr 2014 16:47:43 EST Dreams Inside every child lives a dream. As we grow up and take on the world so of our dreams become what we believe to be unattainable dreams. I am 43 years old and for every day of every year I have had my Big brother by my side. I have watched take knocks in life that are more than anyone should have to endure. Being homosexual comes with a huge price. I have been there for all the black eyes and taunting. I was there when he just didnt think he could live with disappointing our parents. I was ... Tue, 15 Apr 2014 07:17:18 EST 77 days to go When I had my break down it was a collapse of mental , emotional and physical . It took on the physical aspects of sugar imbalance. My head hurt , shaking , nausea , blurred vision . my emotions went from extremely happy and confident to the pit of despair. My mental state went from being strong and capable to weak and loss of desire to live. Please note that I was NOT suicidal I just didnt see any reason to live. I felt completely isolated and disconnected from everything. I couldnt think p... Wed, 9 Apr 2014 07:08:16 EST 79 to go : Unexpected milestone Less than a year ago I joined my fitness center affectionately named the candy store. There have been plenty of good days and plenty of not so good ones. <BR> <BR> Most know that I have been having issues as of lately but I have been doing my very best to conquer them. This morning I got dressed and went to the gym early. when I got out of my car and grabbed flossy for the first time in a while now I felt calm when I walked in but more than that I felt confident and safe. That means a lot ... Mon, 7 Apr 2014 16:58:04 EST 80 to go : What does it take ? In a lifetime ago but not really that long ago there was this lady that i knew. She was the essence of beautiful in my mind and directly opposite of me . She weighed all of 90 pounds but that had nothing to do with her visual beauty she was just what i thought beautiful was. One day we were talking about weight and she said to me " it does not matter what I do I can not gain weight" ... Of course I replied " I really wish I had that problem. ' and we laughed. <BR> <BR> This morning I was re... Sun, 6 Apr 2014 07:11:35 EST 81 to go : Tending Neverland Two weeks ago my internal self stumbled. I have spent the last two weeks trying to figure out what happened that i let myself get to that point. I have come to the conclusion that although I stumbled on the inside I did not fall on my own. <BR> <BR> My eating took an a reverse emotional response to my surroundings. As my eating fell to far and my body could not sustain energy the emotional took over as exhaustion set in. The mind body and soul are connected. I let the mind and body run a... Sat, 5 Apr 2014 07:49:01 EST 82 to go : living the rules Tuesday I went to the gym and did the first workout since the break and i felt as though it was a decent workout. There are a couple of rules that I must follow. <BR> <BR> 1. If you dont eat like a champion, then you don't train like one either. <BR> 2. alternating strength training Typically Monday, Wednesday and Friday. <BR> <BR> I found on Wed. morning that I had zero appetite. I hadnt planned anything but a walk for the day as fitness was concerned. But under the new rules if I ... Fri, 4 Apr 2014 07:38:58 EST 85 to go : Conquering fear I can not explain in great deal what exactly happened on March 20 that left me shaken to my core. I can tell you that to regain myself has been an undertaking. I can tell you that I was scared and alone. I can tell you that it took of eating higher calories to get my strength back. I am not sure how long it will take me to get all my mental fortitude back. I can tell you that I live on shaky ground as I learn to trust myself again. <BR> <BR> I have to learn to crawl before I can walk. It ... Tue, 1 Apr 2014 15:27:42 EST 86 to go : Sparking Today marks a 100 days of sparking for me. Since I have been on spark people I have logged consistently mostly. however it took me a long to realize that I actually had to spin the wheel on the main page kinda like roll call I am here lol. Today when I did the spin it marked 100 days in a row. Doesn't seem like much. <BR> <BR> Over the past 100 days there were plenty of days when I seriously didnt even want to do that much much less anything else. There have been really good days and rea... Mon, 31 Mar 2014 15:31:58 EST 87 days to go : triggers As we are getting ready to start the challenge next week we are doing the pre challenge assignments. Today we are suppose to discuss triggers. Triggers for food choices. Triggers that lead us to make unhealthy food choices. <BR> <BR> When most think of triggers it is ice cream cold pizza or comfort food. Things that we run to that will make us feel better just with a taste of it. Food where we will hide our emotions from the food and what causes us to that. There is a certain enjoyment tha... Sun, 30 Mar 2014 08:43:31 EST 88 days to go : Motivation Since I have started Spark People I have been part of various challenges. Challenges are a great way to keep your motivation up; However, this must be done constructively and with care. To many challenges at one time will send you into a spiral. Go ahead ask me how i know this ? Well because I am the classic over achiever ( ha read previous blog. ). I am on some 9 or 10 teams but I dont post to all them. I try to look in and see what they are doing and participate in the challenges. This wa... Sat, 29 Mar 2014 06:55:17 EST 89 to go : weight tracking 89 days away from 44 years old . I find that in order to to get things right I need to come clean. On the 17th of March I weighed 276.2 that is a massive number for me as it was the beginning of the break down for me . The weight gain was not the only thing that led to it. I have some serious marital issues and home issues that are factoring into this however the one thing I have felt that i was controlling was my weight. Each time I stepped on the scale and it went up there was a frantic ne... Fri, 28 Mar 2014 07:23:10 EST The next 90 days I have a lot of time to think over the past week. When you crash physically that leads to a mental crash that leads to an emotional break. I never said all days were pretty in the world of serious weight loss. Each of us fight this battle of pounds in different ways. There are moments that I become just naked raw. I have stated on more than one occasion that no one can put more pressure on me than I can put on myself and that is the truth. I put me through more than I would ever ask another p... Thu, 27 Mar 2014 07:48:49 EST Food Feet and beyond I come from the south and the south is full of obese people and glorious carbohydrates. I say this not to make fun of where I am from just that you must understand the root cause of my issues. Through my childhood and teenage years it was drilled into my head that bread, pastas, potatoes was making me fat. That didnt keep anyone from cooking them but i was suppose to learn self control. Well here is issue number one How do you limit when that is all your options ? How do you limit when you ar... Tue, 25 Mar 2014 18:03:10 EST a disappointing necessity Tomorrow morning i will go see a doctor in a wound care facility to look at my feet. On the left foot right in the middle of the heel where it turns to start moving up the leg there is what we are calling a pressure point. More or less it is like a rock in my foot. This has become very painful and has started effecting my Achilles tendon that leg. I know that tendon well since I have the one on the right leg severed and re worked. On the right foot right at my incision scar which is the middl... Sun, 23 Mar 2014 07:57:19 EST Tired What I do at home seems a little different to me than when I am at the gym. My focus is different my push is different. I dont worry about what they think of me but I know they are there so there for I still push harder when there are people around. <BR> <BR> Today during my HIIT training the first circuit Bird dog pushups, leg scissors and skip overs. None of them are to bad but they do get your rear in those 3 45 second intervals. My mind is having a hard time these staying focused. my... Wed, 19 Mar 2014 17:55:12 EST The strut I rarely shocked by people well ok probably more often than i want to admit. I get request all the time for me to share all my secrets on my fitness and nutrition. Ha if they only knew that I am constantly changing everything and running scared. If running scared was a marathon well I would have that medal by now. So when I am walking along minding my own business and i get that little finger curl to visit someone at the gym well in my head i start a check list what can i say to this person ... Tue, 18 Mar 2014 06:42:12 EST The core workout So I thought I would post my core workout so you all could see it well it is easy reference also lol. It consist of six exercises. That I will do in Two circuits of 3. With High knee step ups in between each circuit. I will treat it just like my HIIT training and do 45 second intervals. That doesnt sound like a lot but believe me in that short of a time you will really feel it. Mon and Wed. are Personal training days. Friday is more like a rest day for me but i will still do this on that day... Sun, 16 Mar 2014 15:41:08 EST To the Core Don't you hate it when you know the answer you just hope that someone has a better one. <BR> <BR> Yesterday at the gym I changed into my workout clothes and then caught myself checking the mirror. That is huge in comparison but I wont dull you with those memories again. As i looked in the mirror I realized that I am not that far off the marks of normality. I know and you know if you have read my blogs in the past that I have a definite definition of normality as far as the body goes. <BR>... Fri, 14 Mar 2014 08:07:37 EST Tell Them Fear is a horrible thing to try and over come alone. I know when I started this process I was scared every day and Prayed to stay invisible so no one would know when I failed. It has taken sheer determination to continue on the life change that I have under taken and no it isnt easy. <BR> <BR> This lady knows that feeling. I know all the mantras she is saying to herself and agree with what the person just look up and see they are not laughing they are cheering with you. However I will tel... Wed, 12 Mar 2014 08:42:32 EST Not an excuse or reason I read an article in health news today. It was on a study done in the UK that found that obesity was linked to poor academics in girls. hmmmm well this might get ugly but i wont apologize for it. <BR> <BR> When I was around 12 my weight started climbing upwards. This was part environmental, part parental and well part laziness. My parents were from Mississippi born, raised and bred right here in this fattest state in the union. That is because the food here is so good. You are taught how ... Tue, 11 Mar 2014 17:43:16 EST My arch Nemesis I have been stuck in the 260's for a while. This is very frustrating to me and believe me when I say the last thing I want to be is frustrated. I am not one of those people who track exercise before I do it so any fitness minutes come straight from what I have actually done when it is completed. That is not trashing anyone who tracks before hand that might work for you but to me it is not as accountable to myself. Please feel free to yell and post whatever you like if that offends you but it ... Sun, 9 Mar 2014 07:45:23 EST take a Hike !!! with pics Today was the first good day weather wise that we have had in a while, so I decided to keep my plans and go for a nature walk. There were lots of beautiful sites and well there were some challenging things. I went to a place called Shepard's state park. Downsides was there was no ranger on duty that made me nervous. There was no noticeable marking to different trails. I guess things are still down for the winter. But all in all I enjoyed my walk in the woods. Make a note if you watch a lot o... Sat, 8 Mar 2014 17:57:38 EST The S Word !!!! My daddy use to call me his little china girl because he said I came into this world talking lol. I rarely run out of what to say. Speechless is only used in reference to one person but he really does leave me speechless but what can I say it was bound to happen. I am not one that handles compliments well it is the product of being ridiculed for so long. I am very humble and modest but I know who and what i am so I am ahead of most. But every now and then someone says something and I am lef... Fri, 7 Mar 2014 16:51:09 EST Drum Roll If you have been reading my blog through February then you already know that it is has all been about the inches this month. I can worry about weight or I can worry about inches but rarely do I worry with both of them. But when the month started I knew it was time to worry with the other numbers beside the scale. My body had turned soft again after fighting through being sick. <BR> <BR> I will not lie and tell you that any of what I have done this month has been easy. Mentally I have batt... Sat, 1 Mar 2014 06:27:10 EST His gorging Starting February I knew I was going to push hard through fitness. When I saw the numbers on the tape measurement on the first there was a wake up call of sorts to me. a pound here and there are to be expected but the loss of my hard earned inches well that is not acceptable. It enlisted a fear response in me. I will never go back to where I was and if that makes me a bit of an obsessive person then so be it. The flip side for me of not being obsessive is what 40 years got me, which was obes... Fri, 28 Feb 2014 07:40:31 EST Summing up SUP If you never try then you will never know if you could or not. That is how I feel about the Shape up Pascagoula contest. When I started off the month of February I did so coming off injuries and illness. I started with not only a weight gain but i had also gained inches back. Not many inches but none the less across my body had felt the effects in more than one way of all that had occurred. The weight was bad enough but the gain of inches is something that is alarming to me. Which brought m... Tue, 25 Feb 2014 11:21:13 EST self pressure I know for a fact that the worst pressure is the one that you put on yourself. I am not a follower it is not in make up or my raising to be at the back of the pack per say. However having said that this leads to the interesting weigh ins with SUP. Shape up Pascagoula a program where I am part of a small group of three. It is a competition where you compete individually and as a team. This is the problem right here that feeling that I have tried to stay away dependency. <BR> <BR> When I de... Sat, 22 Feb 2014 20:14:43 EST Not pretty proceed with caution I had HIIT today. I didnt want to go i just dont feel good today and if i could find mother nature it would not be good for her. The weather is insane last week we were in sweats and over coats this week it is shorts and tanks. The humidity is high. I woke this morning to coughing and sneezing chills I have started on medicine yet again. I really tired of all this stuff. I just got my skin cleared from the last round of eczema and now here we go again. <BR> <BR> SCC is missing in action tod... Wed, 19 Feb 2014 16:38:43 EST 45 seconds of pride Doing the HIIT program pushes you to places where are not sure you can or even want to go. But for me I needed to make some changes not about my weight it was those inches that required some attention. The trainer has 4 different series of six exercises each. We don't know till we get there which will be the next set we are doing. <BR> <BR> Yesterday I got to the gym and saw my trainer. Aaron said I have already posted the workout if you want to have a look. I laughed and said there is a pl... Tue, 18 Feb 2014 07:47:11 EST SUP weigh in Starting weight 1/27/14 268.8 <BR> First weigh in 2/5/14 271.2 <BR> Second weigh in 2/12/14 266.6 <BR> <BR> <BR> Shape up Pascagoula is a contest that I entered in effort to get back on track after a very long winter filled with plenty of challenges. By now most know I have grown to love and respect my fitness center; However, even saying that there are times I have to talk myself into things. I suffer from self doubt and the memories of humiliation like most do, I am very comforta... Thu, 13 Feb 2014 06:18:25 EST finding answers ( more rambling ) When people speak of my body there are key words that really make me pay attention. The word " Never " really gets my attention especially if there is no following reasoning past that. I listen to what the doctors say and then I ponder it for a while and then I filter in all my other information. <BR> <BR> Yesterday I saw a dermatologist for what I thought were recurring hives. Turns out it is Eczema. Now I wont lie to you this was devastating to my vanity. Hell who wants to walk around w... Tue, 11 Feb 2014 06:55:08 EST