NEWTINK's SparkPeople Blog NEWTINK's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Finding Serendipity in pixie hollow lol Today has been a busy day . Of course most holidays are busy for all of us. I promised myself that I was going to have a good day today no matter what it took. I have done exactly what I wanted to all day . I have had to ease some ruffled feathers along the way but well that is just part of the job i suppose. But in the quest to have a good day I have had a lot of fun despite the complications. <BR> <BR> I started out the day making my Easter centerpiece for my table. Nothing fancy but I m... Sat, 19 Apr 2014 16:56:31 EST A word of caution Weighing <BR> NSV <BR> strength training <BR> cardio <BR> tape measurements <BR> <BR> You weigh after you have given all you have to it for the week and the scale rewards you with a 1/2 pound down or 2 pounds up. For the next seven days you beat your body into the ground with cardio and strength training. You get up and take a walk you might even take a run. OH you have to train for this and that race. Seven days pass and you step on the scale oh no it is up another pound WTH ? <BR> <... Fri, 18 Apr 2014 16:47:43 EST Dreams Inside every child lives a dream. As we grow up and take on the world so of our dreams become what we believe to be unattainable dreams. I am 43 years old and for every day of every year I have had my Big brother by my side. I have watched take knocks in life that are more than anyone should have to endure. Being homosexual comes with a huge price. I have been there for all the black eyes and taunting. I was there when he just didnt think he could live with disappointing our parents. I was ... Tue, 15 Apr 2014 07:17:18 EST 77 days to go When I had my break down it was a collapse of mental , emotional and physical . It took on the physical aspects of sugar imbalance. My head hurt , shaking , nausea , blurred vision . my emotions went from extremely happy and confident to the pit of despair. My mental state went from being strong and capable to weak and loss of desire to live. Please note that I was NOT suicidal I just didnt see any reason to live. I felt completely isolated and disconnected from everything. I couldnt think p... Wed, 9 Apr 2014 07:08:16 EST 79 to go : Unexpected milestone Less than a year ago I joined my fitness center affectionately named the candy store. There have been plenty of good days and plenty of not so good ones. <BR> <BR> Most know that I have been having issues as of lately but I have been doing my very best to conquer them. This morning I got dressed and went to the gym early. when I got out of my car and grabbed flossy for the first time in a while now I felt calm when I walked in but more than that I felt confident and safe. That means a lot ... Mon, 7 Apr 2014 16:58:04 EST 80 to go : What does it take ? In a lifetime ago but not really that long ago there was this lady that i knew. She was the essence of beautiful in my mind and directly opposite of me . She weighed all of 90 pounds but that had nothing to do with her visual beauty she was just what i thought beautiful was. One day we were talking about weight and she said to me " it does not matter what I do I can not gain weight" ... Of course I replied " I really wish I had that problem. ' and we laughed. <BR> <BR> This morning I was re... Sun, 6 Apr 2014 07:11:35 EST 81 to go : Tending Neverland Two weeks ago my internal self stumbled. I have spent the last two weeks trying to figure out what happened that i let myself get to that point. I have come to the conclusion that although I stumbled on the inside I did not fall on my own. <BR> <BR> My eating took an a reverse emotional response to my surroundings. As my eating fell to far and my body could not sustain energy the emotional took over as exhaustion set in. The mind body and soul are connected. I let the mind and body run a... Sat, 5 Apr 2014 07:49:01 EST 82 to go : living the rules Tuesday I went to the gym and did the first workout since the break and i felt as though it was a decent workout. There are a couple of rules that I must follow. <BR> <BR> 1. If you dont eat like a champion, then you don't train like one either. <BR> 2. alternating strength training Typically Monday, Wednesday and Friday. <BR> <BR> I found on Wed. morning that I had zero appetite. I hadnt planned anything but a walk for the day as fitness was concerned. But under the new rules if I ... Fri, 4 Apr 2014 07:38:58 EST 85 to go : Conquering fear I can not explain in great deal what exactly happened on March 20 that left me shaken to my core. I can tell you that to regain myself has been an undertaking. I can tell you that I was scared and alone. I can tell you that it took of eating higher calories to get my strength back. I am not sure how long it will take me to get all my mental fortitude back. I can tell you that I live on shaky ground as I learn to trust myself again. <BR> <BR> I have to learn to crawl before I can walk. It ... Tue, 1 Apr 2014 15:27:42 EST 86 to go : Sparking Today marks a 100 days of sparking for me. Since I have been on spark people I have logged consistently mostly. however it took me a long to realize that I actually had to spin the wheel on the main page kinda like roll call I am here lol. Today when I did the spin it marked 100 days in a row. Doesn't seem like much. <BR> <BR> Over the past 100 days there were plenty of days when I seriously didnt even want to do that much much less anything else. There have been really good days and rea... Mon, 31 Mar 2014 15:31:58 EST 87 days to go : triggers As we are getting ready to start the challenge next week we are doing the pre challenge assignments. Today we are suppose to discuss triggers. Triggers for food choices. Triggers that lead us to make unhealthy food choices. <BR> <BR> When most think of triggers it is ice cream cold pizza or comfort food. Things that we run to that will make us feel better just with a taste of it. Food where we will hide our emotions from the food and what causes us to that. There is a certain enjoyment tha... Sun, 30 Mar 2014 08:43:31 EST 88 days to go : Motivation Since I have started Spark People I have been part of various challenges. Challenges are a great way to keep your motivation up; However, this must be done constructively and with care. To many challenges at one time will send you into a spiral. Go ahead ask me how i know this ? Well because I am the classic over achiever ( ha read previous blog. ). I am on some 9 or 10 teams but I dont post to all them. I try to look in and see what they are doing and participate in the challenges. This wa... Sat, 29 Mar 2014 06:55:17 EST 89 to go : weight tracking 89 days away from 44 years old . I find that in order to to get things right I need to come clean. On the 17th of March I weighed 276.2 that is a massive number for me as it was the beginning of the break down for me . The weight gain was not the only thing that led to it. I have some serious marital issues and home issues that are factoring into this however the one thing I have felt that i was controlling was my weight. Each time I stepped on the scale and it went up there was a frantic ne... Fri, 28 Mar 2014 07:23:10 EST The next 90 days I have a lot of time to think over the past week. When you crash physically that leads to a mental crash that leads to an emotional break. I never said all days were pretty in the world of serious weight loss. Each of us fight this battle of pounds in different ways. There are moments that I become just naked raw. I have stated on more than one occasion that no one can put more pressure on me than I can put on myself and that is the truth. I put me through more than I would ever ask another p... Thu, 27 Mar 2014 07:48:49 EST Food Feet and beyond I come from the south and the south is full of obese people and glorious carbohydrates. I say this not to make fun of where I am from just that you must understand the root cause of my issues. Through my childhood and teenage years it was drilled into my head that bread, pastas, potatoes was making me fat. That didnt keep anyone from cooking them but i was suppose to learn self control. Well here is issue number one How do you limit when that is all your options ? How do you limit when you ar... Tue, 25 Mar 2014 18:03:10 EST a disappointing necessity Tomorrow morning i will go see a doctor in a wound care facility to look at my feet. On the left foot right in the middle of the heel where it turns to start moving up the leg there is what we are calling a pressure point. More or less it is like a rock in my foot. This has become very painful and has started effecting my Achilles tendon that leg. I know that tendon well since I have the one on the right leg severed and re worked. On the right foot right at my incision scar which is the middl... Sun, 23 Mar 2014 07:57:19 EST Tired What I do at home seems a little different to me than when I am at the gym. My focus is different my push is different. I dont worry about what they think of me but I know they are there so there for I still push harder when there are people around. <BR> <BR> Today during my HIIT training the first circuit Bird dog pushups, leg scissors and skip overs. None of them are to bad but they do get your rear in those 3 45 second intervals. My mind is having a hard time these staying focused. my... Wed, 19 Mar 2014 17:55:12 EST The strut I rarely shocked by people well ok probably more often than i want to admit. I get request all the time for me to share all my secrets on my fitness and nutrition. Ha if they only knew that I am constantly changing everything and running scared. If running scared was a marathon well I would have that medal by now. So when I am walking along minding my own business and i get that little finger curl to visit someone at the gym well in my head i start a check list what can i say to this person ... Tue, 18 Mar 2014 06:42:12 EST The core workout So I thought I would post my core workout so you all could see it well it is easy reference also lol. It consist of six exercises. That I will do in Two circuits of 3. With High knee step ups in between each circuit. I will treat it just like my HIIT training and do 45 second intervals. That doesnt sound like a lot but believe me in that short of a time you will really feel it. Mon and Wed. are Personal training days. Friday is more like a rest day for me but i will still do this on that day... Sun, 16 Mar 2014 15:41:08 EST To the Core Don't you hate it when you know the answer you just hope that someone has a better one. <BR> <BR> Yesterday at the gym I changed into my workout clothes and then caught myself checking the mirror. That is huge in comparison but I wont dull you with those memories again. As i looked in the mirror I realized that I am not that far off the marks of normality. I know and you know if you have read my blogs in the past that I have a definite definition of normality as far as the body goes. <BR>... Fri, 14 Mar 2014 08:07:37 EST Tell Them Fear is a horrible thing to try and over come alone. I know when I started this process I was scared every day and Prayed to stay invisible so no one would know when I failed. It has taken sheer determination to continue on the life change that I have under taken and no it isnt easy. <BR> <BR> This lady knows that feeling. I know all the mantras she is saying to herself and agree with what the person just look up and see they are not laughing they are cheering with you. However I will tel... Wed, 12 Mar 2014 08:42:32 EST Not an excuse or reason I read an article in health news today. It was on a study done in the UK that found that obesity was linked to poor academics in girls. hmmmm well this might get ugly but i wont apologize for it. <BR> <BR> When I was around 12 my weight started climbing upwards. This was part environmental, part parental and well part laziness. My parents were from Mississippi born, raised and bred right here in this fattest state in the union. That is because the food here is so good. You are taught how ... Tue, 11 Mar 2014 17:43:16 EST My arch Nemesis I have been stuck in the 260's for a while. This is very frustrating to me and believe me when I say the last thing I want to be is frustrated. I am not one of those people who track exercise before I do it so any fitness minutes come straight from what I have actually done when it is completed. That is not trashing anyone who tracks before hand that might work for you but to me it is not as accountable to myself. Please feel free to yell and post whatever you like if that offends you but it ... Sun, 9 Mar 2014 07:45:23 EST take a Hike !!! with pics Today was the first good day weather wise that we have had in a while, so I decided to keep my plans and go for a nature walk. There were lots of beautiful sites and well there were some challenging things. I went to a place called Shepard's state park. Downsides was there was no ranger on duty that made me nervous. There was no noticeable marking to different trails. I guess things are still down for the winter. But all in all I enjoyed my walk in the woods. Make a note if you watch a lot o... Sat, 8 Mar 2014 17:57:38 EST The S Word !!!! My daddy use to call me his little china girl because he said I came into this world talking lol. I rarely run out of what to say. Speechless is only used in reference to one person but he really does leave me speechless but what can I say it was bound to happen. I am not one that handles compliments well it is the product of being ridiculed for so long. I am very humble and modest but I know who and what i am so I am ahead of most. But every now and then someone says something and I am lef... Fri, 7 Mar 2014 16:51:09 EST Drum Roll If you have been reading my blog through February then you already know that it is has all been about the inches this month. I can worry about weight or I can worry about inches but rarely do I worry with both of them. But when the month started I knew it was time to worry with the other numbers beside the scale. My body had turned soft again after fighting through being sick. <BR> <BR> I will not lie and tell you that any of what I have done this month has been easy. Mentally I have batt... Sat, 1 Mar 2014 06:27:10 EST His gorging Starting February I knew I was going to push hard through fitness. When I saw the numbers on the tape measurement on the first there was a wake up call of sorts to me. a pound here and there are to be expected but the loss of my hard earned inches well that is not acceptable. It enlisted a fear response in me. I will never go back to where I was and if that makes me a bit of an obsessive person then so be it. The flip side for me of not being obsessive is what 40 years got me, which was obes... Fri, 28 Feb 2014 07:40:31 EST Summing up SUP If you never try then you will never know if you could or not. That is how I feel about the Shape up Pascagoula contest. When I started off the month of February I did so coming off injuries and illness. I started with not only a weight gain but i had also gained inches back. Not many inches but none the less across my body had felt the effects in more than one way of all that had occurred. The weight was bad enough but the gain of inches is something that is alarming to me. Which brought m... Tue, 25 Feb 2014 11:21:13 EST self pressure I know for a fact that the worst pressure is the one that you put on yourself. I am not a follower it is not in make up or my raising to be at the back of the pack per say. However having said that this leads to the interesting weigh ins with SUP. Shape up Pascagoula a program where I am part of a small group of three. It is a competition where you compete individually and as a team. This is the problem right here that feeling that I have tried to stay away dependency. <BR> <BR> When I de... Sat, 22 Feb 2014 20:14:43 EST Not pretty proceed with caution I had HIIT today. I didnt want to go i just dont feel good today and if i could find mother nature it would not be good for her. The weather is insane last week we were in sweats and over coats this week it is shorts and tanks. The humidity is high. I woke this morning to coughing and sneezing chills I have started on medicine yet again. I really tired of all this stuff. I just got my skin cleared from the last round of eczema and now here we go again. <BR> <BR> SCC is missing in action tod... Wed, 19 Feb 2014 16:38:43 EST 45 seconds of pride Doing the HIIT program pushes you to places where are not sure you can or even want to go. But for me I needed to make some changes not about my weight it was those inches that required some attention. The trainer has 4 different series of six exercises each. We don't know till we get there which will be the next set we are doing. <BR> <BR> Yesterday I got to the gym and saw my trainer. Aaron said I have already posted the workout if you want to have a look. I laughed and said there is a pl... Tue, 18 Feb 2014 07:47:11 EST SUP weigh in Starting weight 1/27/14 268.8 <BR> First weigh in 2/5/14 271.2 <BR> Second weigh in 2/12/14 266.6 <BR> <BR> <BR> Shape up Pascagoula is a contest that I entered in effort to get back on track after a very long winter filled with plenty of challenges. By now most know I have grown to love and respect my fitness center; However, even saying that there are times I have to talk myself into things. I suffer from self doubt and the memories of humiliation like most do, I am very comforta... Thu, 13 Feb 2014 06:18:25 EST finding answers ( more rambling ) When people speak of my body there are key words that really make me pay attention. The word " Never " really gets my attention especially if there is no following reasoning past that. I listen to what the doctors say and then I ponder it for a while and then I filter in all my other information. <BR> <BR> Yesterday I saw a dermatologist for what I thought were recurring hives. Turns out it is Eczema. Now I wont lie to you this was devastating to my vanity. Hell who wants to walk around w... Tue, 11 Feb 2014 06:55:08 EST Ramblings Back in September I started having skin issues. Periodically hives would just appear. To start with they just look horrible but eventually it becomes painful. I was seen at my physical therapist who assured me it was a reaction to the pool water. So I stopped getting in the pool and what do you know it went away. <BR> <BR> Then out of the blue they reappeared. I was seen by regular doctor who said no it is your nerves. So i was given lexapro which did not do anything but drive me crazy. So... Mon, 10 Feb 2014 07:22:16 EST Simply complicated If I had real pixie dust I would sprinkle it over the world and everyone would be the perfect size and wouldnt have to exercise or worry with calories, Wait they did that with that with Sensa hmmm that didnt work I dont think. I could pick your meals so you stay in calorie range every day hmmm well that sounds like Nutrisystem. I could take you away from life and give you all the best trainers, nutritionist and put you in a state where you dont have to make decisions now that is the biggest ... Sun, 9 Feb 2014 06:17:50 EST all in an inch Inside of every obese person that looses large amounts of weight is a doubt to whether you can keep off or not. I have taught myself to look past that doubt. I am not saying that is anything special but I had to in order to keep moving forward in this. When the changes in my body came along it was more about what i could find next than it was about what the scale said. <BR> <BR> But I am only so strong and last Saturday the inches were up. This was a warning sign to me. So I set forth a pla... Sat, 8 Feb 2014 16:48:28 EST Demon box The other day I was reading a post in one of my teams and this lady was discouraged because she feels she is doing everything she can but the scale is not going down or it goes up. My heart went out to her and I wanted to send her a sledgehammer for the scale. The scale can be cruel to be just a little box that sits on the floor and taunts us with ever glowing little doses of self doubt. You must become smarter than that box. Stronger than the numbers on it. I know that is easier said than do... Thu, 6 Feb 2014 06:59:15 EST The not so good first !!! On the first of January I started a new Spark Calendar. I purchased this calendar from It is a motivational calendar where you track water consumption, exercise and two other goals with stickers. Hey don't judge me the stickers work for my grand children lol. I added to my calendar a place for my monthly measurements. I also take a picture on the first of every month for a poster i am doing hoping that I will see true results but mostly because i hate pictures and that is s... Sun, 2 Feb 2014 06:04:41 EST fight for it When my mom was dying the doctor said to me " fight for the best but prepare for the worst" . For me I could not do this then and I can not do it now. <BR> <BR> I have always been a strong person. I was groomed to be that strong intelligent caring person. I fight or I prepare but for me I cant do both at opposite ends of the spectrum at the same time. My mind just doesnt work like that. <BR> <BR> When I started the process to loose my pain and believe that is what it was I had to fight ... Thu, 30 Jan 2014 06:07:47 EST Coronation of motivation Most would not agree with me when I say I am so lucky to have a homosexual brother. Randy is the best big brother / big sister anyone could hope for. As a brother I know that I am safe and protected. I know he would lay down his life for me. I know there is no battle he wouldnt fight for me. As a sister he knows about glamour , make up and style than I will ever know. He can talk make up and bras with the best of them. However having said that I do have my own issues when he chooses to do his... Tue, 28 Jan 2014 06:48:46 EST Ending January better Peeking around the corner to check for the all clear before i step out any further. <BR> <BR> Kinda odd way to start out but it has been a month for me so i am a little cautious at this point. Thankfully I do not do resolutions or they would be all broken at this point. January has not been a kind month to me. Not many know but I have been extremely ill for the entire month. <BR> <BR> 12/31 /13 diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection. <BR> 1/7/14 to the emergency room with breathin... Fri, 24 Jan 2014 19:20:24 EST Beautiful You know that you have changed when you can see in yourself what someone else sees or what you want them to see. As a fat body person I didnt know how to feel good about myself. It was what the world seen in me was my weight and believe me I have the emotional scars to prove that. I never felt worthy or appealing. I was just me. Luckily i have always been perfectly per-portioned so one part was never worst than others they were equally as bad in my eyes . So what I am fixing to tell you trul... Sun, 12 Jan 2014 17:05:19 EST Happy Anniversary : 2 years It is said that if you do something over and over eventually you will find success. Today is my two year anniversary with spark people. And that is the secret to the success here the repeated actions. <BR> <BR> I started my process some 7 months before finding spark people at a weight off 366 pounds. When i joined sparks i had lost 30 something pounds. I knew my process and how to do what I needed to be done after all I tailored it me and my needs. I am tough never doubt that and I was dete... Fri, 10 Jan 2014 17:12:59 EST The new feeling I was born under the Cancer sign and that tends to make me more emotional than others. For years I buried feelings and dealt with them in private because as a fat body person you are expected to be jolly not sure why but you are. I have been very emotional my entire life. When i feel an emotion I feel it to the core of who I am. And usually I can decipher the difference between them very quickly. The one emotion that has ruled me is Jealousy. I know it is such a horrible emotion. When jeal... Tue, 7 Jan 2014 18:23:42 EST Unlikely motivator Dear flossy, <BR> Who knew that we would become best friends. You take a beating but you are always there for me. You hold my hand and make me believe that anything is possible. But more than that you install a sense of confidence that surpasses anything else I have done so far. That first day I met you I knew given time you would change my life although I was reluctant at first. Every day you sat there and waited patiently for me decide to get up and get a move on. With you by my side when ... Mon, 6 Jan 2014 08:51:09 EST the difference Over the years there has been many failed attempts at losing weight. In gearing up for the winter challenge we are asked to look back and list reasons why they were failed attempts. After all it is suppose to be easier to loose weight when you are younger right ? So why did it take me all these years to figure out how to do it ? <BR> <BR> I grew up in a world where food made everything better. I was physically forced to try foods . Forced to eat everything on a plate even if I was full. Aft... Sat, 4 Jan 2014 07:12:23 EST Motivational wall It is my plan in 2014 to strive hard and stay committed to my process. I have some serious issues with loving the body that god gave me especially in pictures. I never see me as a picture does. So to try to help me stayed focused and pushing toward where I want to be. I have created what i call my motivation wall. On the first of every month I will take a picture and place it on the motivation board. I took a copy of my very first picture from 12/30/2011 and placed on the first square becau... Fri, 3 Jan 2014 09:46:17 EST not a happy patient Yes I know ! You are right . You don't say !! Shoulder shrugs and eye rolls followed by a good dose of tears. <BR> <BR> Yesterday I had to go to the doctor ,A much hated event for me. I have an upper respiratory infection. This was a walk in clinic. I pull on my big girl panties and suck it up knowing good and we'll the fat talk is coming from yet another person. You should know I am not a nice person when I am sick. This super skinny beautiful doctor comes in and I think yep here we go c... Wed, 1 Jan 2014 07:37:59 EST not a happy patient Yes I know ! You are right . You don't say !! Shoulder shrugs and eye rolls followed by a good dose of tears. <BR> <BR> Yesterday I had to go to the doctor ,A much hated event for me. I have an upper respiratory infection. This was a walk in clinic. I pull on my big girl panties and suck it up knowing good and we'll the fat talk is coming from yet another person. You should know I am not a nice person when I am sick. This super skinny beautiful doctor comes in and I think yep here we go c... Wed, 1 Jan 2014 07:36:40 EST Commitment not resolve The holidays are finally coming to an end can I get a <em>244</em> . It has been a tough year for everyone. There has been plenty of illness, injuries stresses and even death in 2013. As we close out 2013 and whisper in 2014 take stock in your accomplishments as we have spent a year now talking about our set backs. For me I am healthy and at my lowest weight that i have been since middle school. I have finally bought size 18 pants. I walked the huge garden last week looking at lights with... Sun, 29 Dec 2013 06:45:55 EST