MOTLEM's SparkPeople Blog MOTLEM's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community A simple young man <img src=""> <BR> <BR> A simple young man is encouraged to broaden his knowledge by learning how to parachute. After a few lessons it's time for his first jump, so that afternoon he and his instructor go up in a plane. <BR> <BR> The instructor tells the man not to worry because he'll jump straight after him. So the man jumps out, pulls his rip cord and heads gently for earth. <BR> <BR> A moment later the instructor jumps out but whe... Fri, 14 Feb 2014 18:38:22 EST A healthy lifestyle <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Grandpa John was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." <BR> <BR> The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. <BR> <BR> "Well, you see my wife and I were marri... Thu, 13 Feb 2014 17:57:19 EST Knock at the door <img src=""> <BR> <BR> A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. <BR> <BR> At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. <BR> <BR> When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this crypt... Wed, 12 Feb 2014 17:48:05 EST This diet's working for him! <img src=""> <BR> <BR> A very obese man went to the doctor’s and was told he would have to lose at least 7 stone. <BR> <BR> “It’s no good,” wailed the man. “I’ve tried all sorts of diets and they never work.” <BR> <BR> “Well, this one is different,” said the doctor. “You will take nothing by mouth, everything you eat will be through your rectum.” <BR> <BR> A month went by and the man went back to the doctors looking very happy. <BR> ... Tue, 11 Feb 2014 18:07:28 EST A man phones home <img src=""> <BR> <BR> A man phones home, the maid answers the phone and he says, <BR> "I've got great news! I need to speak to my wife." <BR> <BR> "I'm sorry, but I can't call her to the phone right now." <BR> <BR> "Hey! I pay your salary and I want you to call my wife to the phone now!" <BR> <BR> "I just can't do that," the maid insists. <BR> <BR> "Why not!" <BR> <BR> "She's in bed with another man." <BR> <BR> <img src="http:/... Mon, 10 Feb 2014 18:21:56 EST Did you hear ... <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Did you hear about the psychiatrist who kept his wife under the bed? <BR> <BR> He thought she was a little potty. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> Sun, 9 Feb 2014 17:36:37 EST What is your love attitude? <img src=""> <BR> <BR> To find your love attitude number, add your birth month and your birth date together. Keep reducing it until it's a single digit. Example: January 28 = 1+28 = 29 = 2+9 = 11 = 1+1 = 2; your love attitude number is 2. <BR> <BR> Read on below to find out what your love style is supposed to be. <BR> <BR> One - You are charming imaginative and independent. Usually your style is ahead of others ; you know what... Sat, 8 Feb 2014 18:36:42 EST Random marks? <img src=""> <BR> <BR> To assess Pete’s state of mind the psychiatrist told him he was going to make some random marks on the paper and Pete was to tell him what he saw. <BR> <BR> After the first mark Pete replied, “That’s Madonna in the nude.” <BR> <BR> For the second mark he said, “That’s my next door neighbour stark naked,” and for the third mark, “That’s the whole of my wife’s knitting circle with no clothes on.” <BR> <BR> The p... Fri, 7 Feb 2014 18:05:29 EST Good, Bad, Worse <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Good: Your husband understands fashion. <BR> Bad: He's a cross-dresser. <BR> Worse: He looks better than you. <BR> <BR> Good: You teach your daughter about the birds and the bees. <BR> Bad: She keeps interrupting. <BR> Worse: With corrections. <BR> <BR> Good: Your son's finally maturing. <BR> Bad: He involved with the woman next door. <BR> Worse: So are you. <BR> <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkp... Thu, 6 Feb 2014 18:32:24 EST Room 24 <img src=""> <BR> <BR> The man rang the local mental institution and asked to speak to the patient in room 24. <BR> <BR> “I’m sorry, sir, room 24 is unoccupied at present.” <BR> <BR> “Whoopee,” shouted the man. “I did it, I escaped.” <BR> <BR> <img src=""> Wed, 5 Feb 2014 20:32:30 EST Oxymorons <img src=""> <BR> <BR> 1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? <BR> <BR> 2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? <BR> <BR> 3 If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? <BR> <BR> 4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? <BR> <BR> 5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? <BR> <BR> 6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thi... Tue, 4 Feb 2014 16:52:41 EST Tasmania - February 2014 <img src=""> <BR> <BR> East Coast at Scamander this morning <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> East Coast just north of Marion Bay <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Binalong Bay on the East Coast <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Sunset at Opossum Bay in the South of Tasm... Tue, 4 Feb 2014 03:24:23 EST Values in Life <img src=""> <BR> <BR> The Greatest Handicap - FEAR <BR> The Best Day - TODAY <BR> Hardest Thing To Do - TO BEGIN <BR> Easiest Thing To Do - FINDING FAULT <BR> Most Useless Asset - PRIDE <BR> Most Useful Asset - HUMILITY <BR> The Greatest Mistake - GIVING UP <BR> The Greatest Stumbling Block - EGOTISM <BR> The Greatest Comfort - WORK WELL DONE <BR> Most Disagreeable Person - THE COMPLAINER <BR> Worst Bankruptcy - LOSS OF ENTHUSIASM <BR>... Mon, 3 Feb 2014 18:17:36 EST True friendship - Scottish style <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Are ye tired o' those pish weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here are a series o' promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cute wee smiley faces on THIS card. Just the stone cold truth o a great friendship. <BR> <BR> 1. When ye are sad -- I will help you get pished and plot revenge against the b@st@rd who made ye sad. <BR>... Sun, 2 Feb 2014 18:11:24 EST Wise old Dude <img src=""> <BR> <BR> An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. <BR> <BR> The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." <BR> <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkp... Sat, 1 Feb 2014 17:33:21 EST The English language continues to confuse ... <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Daddy is mowing the lawn when his young son comes running out of the house calling to him. <BR> <BR> “Daddy, daddy, what’s sex?” asks the boy. <BR> <BR> For a moment dad is dumbstruck but then decides that if his son has asked the question, then he must do his best to answer it. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> For the next few minutes dad talks about th... Fri, 31 Jan 2014 18:11:03 EST Now THAT is lazy! <img src=""> <BR> <BR> My friend is so lazy he won’t empty the trash in the computer recycle bin! <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> Thu, 30 Jan 2014 18:56:47 EST The first day of college <img src=""> <BR> <BR> On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students: <BR> <BR> "The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" <BR> <BR> A male student inquired, "How much for a season p... Wed, 29 Jan 2014 18:24:46 EST Cool Quotes - A closed mouth gathers no feet. <BR> <BR> - A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. <BR> <BR> - A penny saved is ridiculous. <BR> <BR> - All that glitters has a high refractive index. <BR> <BR> - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. <BR> <BR> - Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people. <BR> <BR> - Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before. <BR> <BR> - Brain , the apparatus with wh... Tue, 28 Jan 2014 16:09:04 EST Doctor, doctor, <img src=""> <BR> <BR> “Doctor, doctor, I'm so worried,” said the anxious man. <BR> <BR> “Both my wife and I have black hair, but our son's just been born with red hair. Do you think something funny has been going on?” <BR> <BR> “Not necessarily,” replied the doctor. “How many times do you have sex?” <BR> <BR> “About 5 times a year.” <BR> <BR> “Well, there's your answer then, you're just a little rusty.” <BR> <BR> <img src="http://... Mon, 27 Jan 2014 18:50:19 EST A drunk barged in <img src=""> <BR> <BR> A drunk barged into a man looking under the bonnet of his car. <BR> <BR> “Anything wrong?” he mumbled. <BR> <BR> “Piston broke,” came the reply. <BR> <BR> “Same here,” said the drunk. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> Sun, 26 Jan 2014 18:31:41 EST Australia Day -26 January <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Our national day is Australia Day, the 26th January each year. It marks the anniversary of the arrival of the first fleet of British ships who arrived at Sydney Cove in 1788 with Governor Arthur Phillip raising the flag at the site. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Today we celebrate with community and family events throughout the nation. There are awards a... Sat, 25 Jan 2014 17:21:56 EST The Australian yobbo <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <BR> A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." <BR> <BR> His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer. <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> Fri, 24 Jan 2014 18:05:40 EST Black tongue <img src=""> <BR> <BR> A Scottish man burst into the local hospital with a completely black tongue hanging out of his mouth. <BR> <BR> “What’s happened to you?” asked one of the nurses. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> “A bottle of whisky fell and broke on the hot tar road,” he moaned. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> Thu, 23 Jan 2014 17:46:51 EST Five surgeons taking a "coffee" break <img src=""> <BR> <BR> 1st surgeon says: <BR> "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." <BR> <BR> 2nd surgeon says: <BR> "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." <BR> <BR> 3rd responds: <BR> "Try electricians, man! Everything inside THEM is color coded." <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <B... Wed, 22 Jan 2014 16:40:20 EST A man walks into a bar <img src=""> <BR> <BR> A man walks into a bar with a Cornish pasty on his head and asks the barman for a pint of beer. <BR> <BR> Unable to conceal his curiosity, the barman hands the man the beer and says, “Excuse me, Sir, I couldn’t help but notice that you have a Cornish pasty on your head.” <BR> <BR> “That’s right,” replies the man. “I always have a Cornish pasty on my head on a Thursday.” <BR> <BR> “But Sir, it’s Friday today.” <... Tue, 21 Jan 2014 17:13:50 EST Rude husband <img src=""> <BR> <BR> A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts. <BR> <BR> "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." <BR> <BR> He looks at her and says, angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so." <BR> <BR> "Fine." <BR> <BR> Then his wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close r... Mon, 20 Jan 2014 18:24:16 EST Did you know... <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. <BR> <BR> A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. <BR> <BR> A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. <BR> <BR> Almonds are a member of the peach family. <BR> <BR> An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. <BR> <BR> Camel's milk does not curdle. <BR> <BR> Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. <BR> <BR> In England, the Speaker of the... Sun, 19 Jan 2014 17:37:10 EST Signs and notices written in English in hotels around the world <img src=""> <BR> <BR> In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis. <BR> <BR> In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. <BR> <BR> In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up. <BR> <BR> In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cab... Sat, 18 Jan 2014 18:02:24 EST Oh, Mr Jones <img src=""> <BR> <BR> This guy goes into a doctor's office. <BR> <BR> The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?" <BR> <BR> The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first." <BR> <BR> "Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies. <BR> <BR> The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could ... Fri, 17 Jan 2014 18:01:21 EST Whisky on the rocks <img src=""> <BR> <BR> “Whisky on the rocks, bartender, please,” says the man, and as he gulps it down in one go he takes out a picture from his back pocket. <BR> <BR> “Another whisky, please,” and again he gulps it down and looks at the picture in his back pocket. For the next 2 hours he goes through the same routine, time and time again. <BR> <BR> By the end of the night he turns to stagger out when the bartender taps him on the sho... Thu, 16 Jan 2014 18:01:28 EST LIFE <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Life isn't about keeping score. <BR> It's not about how many people you know nor how well-known you are. <BR> It isn't about who your family is or how much money you have or what kind of car you drive. <BR> It's not about how beautiful you are or ugly you are; or what clothes you wear, what shoes you have on, what kind of music you listen to. <BR> It's not about if your hair is blonde, red, brown or black; or if yo... Wed, 15 Jan 2014 16:56:59 EST Tasmania - January 2014 <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Help native animals survive the heatwave. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Bay of Fires, North East Tasmania. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Bridestowe Lavender, North East Tasmania. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Tulips at Table Cape, North... Wed, 15 Jan 2014 01:50:40 EST During a robbery <img src=""> <BR> <BR> During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down. <BR> <BR> He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face? <BR> <BR> The man said yes! The robber shot him. <BR> <BR> Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face? <BR> <BR> She said no, but my husband over there did. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <BR> Thanks for this one Denise. <BR> Tue, 14 Jan 2014 19:34:29 EST A man walked up to the bar <img src=""> <BR> <BR> A man walked up to the bar and asked for a pint of less. <BR> <BR> “Less?” questioned the barmaid, “I’ve never heard of it, is it a new beer?” <BR> <BR> “I don’t know,” replied the man. “When I went to the doctor’s this morning, he told me I should drink less.” <BR> <BR> <img src=""> Mon, 13 Jan 2014 17:14:45 EST The Safe Driver Award <img src=""> <BR> <BR> A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, <BR> <BR> "Is there a problem, Officer?" <BR> <BR> "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" <BR> <BR> <img src=""... Sun, 12 Jan 2014 17:35:43 EST Church whisper <img src=""> <BR> <BR> A mother took her little boy to church. <BR> While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.” <BR> <BR> The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.” <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> The following Sunday, the little b... Sat, 11 Jan 2014 17:47:15 EST Drinking too much <img src=""> <BR> <BR> “Oh Bob,” sighed his wife. “I wish you wouldn’t go down the pub every night. You drink far too much. Here, let me show you something.” <BR> <BR> Bob’s wife put two glasses before him, one filled with whisky, the other with water. Into each she dropped a worm. The worm in the water swam around happily while the worm in the whisky had a fit and sank to the bottom, dead. <BR> <BR> “There!” said the wife triumphantl... Fri, 10 Jan 2014 17:59:11 EST A man goes on a business trip A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother. <BR> <BR> Brother 1: So how is my cat doing? <BR> <BR> Brother 2: He's dead. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Brother 1: He's dead! What do you mean he's dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! <BR> <BR> I'm leaving in 3 days. You could have broke the news easier. You... Thu, 9 Jan 2014 17:17:15 EST Groaners today ... <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Overheard at the veterinarian's: I had my cat neutered. He's still out all night with the other cats, but now he's a consultant. <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Boy to mother: I've decided to stop studying. <BR> How come? asked the mother. <BR> I heard that that someone was shot dead, because he knew too much. <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src="http://photos... Wed, 8 Jan 2014 18:06:24 EST A fire engine came racing <img src=""> <BR> <BR> A fire engine came racing around the corner and disappeared up the road, bells clanging wildly. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> As it passed The Flying Horse, a drunk staggered out and started chasing it, but after a minute or so he collapsed on the ground breathing heavily. <BR> <BR> “Bugger it,” he gasped. “You can keep your bloody ice creams.” <BR> <BR... Tue, 7 Jan 2014 16:44:09 EST There was an Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman... <img src=""> <BR> <BR> There was an Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman... <BR> <BR> One day they came across a ladder and climbed up it... as one does... <BR> <BR> At the top of the ladder there was a genie and she said: <BR> "As you go down this slide, shout out whatever you want to land in..." <BR> <BR> So the Englishman shouted: "Beeeeeeer." <BR> <BR> The Scotsman shouted: "Whisssskey." <BR> <BR> And the Irishman shouted: "... Mon, 6 Jan 2014 17:30:26 EST How the Internet Started How the Internet Started (according to Biblical scholars) .. <BR> <BR> [I don't know who worked this one out, but it's quite clever] <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. <BR> <BR> And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amaz... Sun, 5 Jan 2014 17:27:06 EST Rocky flight <img src=""> <BR> <BR> An airplane encountered some turbulence, it started juddering and rocking noticeably from side to side. <BR> <BR> The flight crew wheeled out the drinks cart to keep the passengers calm. <BR> <BR> The attendant asked a business man “Would you like a drink?" <BR> <BR> “Why not?” he replied unkindly “I’ll have whatever the pilot’s been having." <BR> <BR> <img src=" Sat, 4 Jan 2014 17:56:14 EST His best shot <img src=""> <BR> <BR> “I really want to give this my best shot” said Jack to his mate. <BR> “My mother-in-law is watching from the clubhouse balcony.” <BR> <BR> “Oh get away!” replied his friend. “It’s too far away, you couldn’t possibly hit her from here.” <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Fri, 3 Jan 2014 18:36:38 EST Tasmania - a few pics worth sharing <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Along the Veil of Belvoir, near Cradle Mountain. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Bicheno blow hole. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Cape Tourville. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Cataract Gorge. <BR> <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeop... Thu, 2 Jan 2014 22:30:22 EST Careful what you wish for <img src=""> <BR> <BR> A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. <BR> <BR> The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' <BR> 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. <BR> <BR> A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change ... Thu, 2 Jan 2014 17:35:08 EST Payback <img src=""> <BR> <BR> A man walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a pastie. <BR> <BR> “How much will that be?” he asks. <BR> <BR> “Nothing, Sir, it’s on the house.” <BR> <BR> A little later, he orders another beer and again is told it’s on the house. After a third pint, he questions the barman. “Why are all the drinks free today?” <BR> <BR> “Oh, it’s quite simple really, Sir,” replies the barman. “The owner of this pub does... Wed, 1 Jan 2014 17:20:06 EST Warning - don't try this at home! <img src=""> <BR> <BR> There were three men on a hill with their watches. <BR> <BR> The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke. <BR> <BR> The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke. <BR> <BR> The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, and caught it. <BR> <BR> The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man how he did it. <BR> <BR> The third man said, "Easy.... Tue, 31 Dec 2013 17:04:21 EST A New Year's Eve day disaster My friend and fellow Sparkie Sandra (Millymouse1) looked forward in anticipation to our meal out today to celebrate Sandra's birthday and New Year's Day in one. The drive to the York Hotel at Granton was only 20 minutes from the CBD, and pleasant enough with plenty of parking space to be had, so all good. <BR> <BR> We walked in and passed 2 rooms of tables well laid out for lunch, but both doors were locked, so we proceeded to the bar area, to be told that this was where we were to eat. The ... Mon, 30 Dec 2013 22:55:32 EST