MISSM66's SparkPeople Blog

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 05:32:36 EST

The manager of a garden centre overhears one of his nurseryman talking to a customer. ‘No, we haven't had any of that in ages,’ says the nurseryman. ‘And I don't know when we'll be getting any more.’

The customer leaves and the manager walks over to give him a telling off. ‘Never tell a customer we can’t get them something,’ he says. ‘Whatever they want we can always get it on order and deliver it. D’you understand?’

The nurseryman nods.

‘So what did he want?’...

SAYING GOODBYE TO YOU ALL.

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 07:35:48 EST

The time has come to say goodbye 382
It’s very hard not to cry 46
The time we have left is very small 382
I will try hard to make them stall 247
I tried my hardest and they can see 220
That missing you is killing me 304
They say I can stay a little longer 224
Their words make me a tad bit stronger 84
That time we know still has to come 223
By...

Joke of the day, Let's Laugh.

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 06:51:16 EST

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that 1 had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifi...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 06:59:23 EST

Cowboy Joe

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.

"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.

"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a worldly fellow.

"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.

"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.

"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.

"Th...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 05:29:16 EST

DIVORCE LAWYER

A lady goes to a divorce lawyer and says "I want a divorce."
The lawyer says, "Do you have grounds?"
Oh yes she said, "We have about 4 acres and a long driveway,
No no no you have misunderstood me.
I mean do you have a grudge?
She said "No its not a grudge, we have a carport."
He said" No thats not what meant, Let me put it another way.
Why do you want a divorce.?
Oh that's easy its my husband.
he can't hold a sensib...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 05:11:18 EST

LIFE AFTER DEATH

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees."Yes, sir," the clerk replied.
"That's good," the boss said.you told me you are leaving early for your Grandmother Funeral,but After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 05:23:46 EST

A man hated his wife's's cat so much that he decided to get rid of it by driving it twenty blocks from home and dumping it.

But as he got back home, he saw the cat wandering up the driveway. So he drove the cat forty blocks away and dumped it.

But when he arrived back home, there was the cat waiting for him at the front door. In desperation, he drove the cat fifty miles out into the country and dumped it in the middle of a wood.
...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 05:16:03 EST

In the backwoods of Canada in a shack with no electricity, a man's wife went into labour in the middle of the night. The local doctor was summoned to help with the delivery.

The doctor gave the nervous father-to-be a lantern to hold, partly to keep him occupied and partly so that he could see what he was doing.

After a few minutes, a baby boy was born and the husband put down the lantern to hold her.

"Don't put that la...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 05:36:57 EST

A 70 year old Mother.

Thanks to the miracle of fertility treatment, a woman was able to have a baby at 70. When she was discharged from hospital, her relatives came to visit.

"Can we see the baby?" they asked.

"Not yet," said the 70-year-old mother.

Fifteen minutes later, they asked again. "Can we see the baby?"

"Not yet," said the mother.

Another qua...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Sun, 21 Apr 2013 06:54:23 EST

The preacher's Sunday sermon was Forgive Your Enemies. Toward the end of the service, He asked his congregation, "how many of you have forgiven their enemies"?

About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. As it was past lunchtime, this time about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones?" inquired the preacher, Are you not willing to forgive...

LEAVING SPARKPEOPLE.

Sat, 20 Apr 2013 12:04:11 EST

Good morning to you all,Hope you all are having a good day so far, well as you all know I take long vacation every year and that time is coming very soon,but this time it will be a long long vacation,actually I am very sorry to say I will be leaving Sparkpeople, for reason beyond my control, my Hubby will be going to his Country which is Greece for more than a year and as a wife and companion I will have to go with him,and we are going to live on a Island in a small Village where its ...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Sat, 20 Apr 2013 07:01:11 EST

Weird Coincidence . . .

Two men were playing golf on a Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game.

"Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man. The other shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through...enough is enough."

He started walking toward the women, but as he got close, he sudde...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 06:25:35 EST

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "An...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 04:22:36 EST

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 05:51:24 EST

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 04:10:25 EST

A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."

She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining r...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 05:33:59 EST

My sister and her husband had just finished tucking their young ones into bed one evening when they heard crying coming from the children's room. Rushing in, they found Billy crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind.

Trying to calm him, my sister's husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he s...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 07:15:53 EST

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, havin...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Sat, 13 Apr 2013 07:08:26 EST

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said, "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."
...

Joke of the day,Lets Laugh.

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 05:46:51 EST

Sorry Ladies and Gentlemen

A plane was taking off from Skopje Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 78, non-stop from Skopje to Toronto. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back, relax... and - OOOH MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came bac...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 06:01:20 EST

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 05:06:42 EST

Negotiating a trip home

Bob had been shopping downtown all day with his wife and four little children. They were all so tired, he decided to take a taxicab home.

Approaching a cab driver, he demanded, “How much will you charge to drive us to the Bronx?”

“I figure $5 apiece for you and your wife,” said the driver. “I’ll take the four kids along for nothing.”

Bob turned to his children and said, “Jump in kids, and have a nice ride home. Momma an...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Tue, 9 Apr 2013 06:10:30 EST

The Remote Control.

Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases.

“Cash, check or charge?” She asked after folding the items Jennifer had bought. As she fumbled for her wallet The cashier noticed a television remote control in her purse.

“Do you always carry your TV remote?” The cashier asked.

“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the best retaliation.”.

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Mon, 8 Apr 2013 05:23:50 EST

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had ...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Sun, 7 Apr 2013 07:42:23 EST

burglar got into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. He again heard, "Jesus is watching you."

This time, he shone his light all over, and it rested on a parrot.

He asked, "Did you say that?"

The parrot admitted that it had. "I'm just tryin...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Sat, 6 Apr 2013 07:18:34 EST

For all of us who are---seniors---
for all of you who know seniors---
and for all of you who will be seniors.

It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are a senior!

'Where Is My Paper?'

The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

'Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday.The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday.'

There was quite a pause on the other end

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Fri, 5 Apr 2013 04:19:01 EST

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive after dark!"

Joke of the day for Thursday,4/4

Wed, 3 Apr 2013 22:18:26 EST

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurts wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.

“The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, “ You're not really a redhead...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Wed, 3 Apr 2013 04:55:56 EST

An elderly couple was sitting together watching television. During a commercial, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence and during the next commercial, the wife replied, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Tue, 2 Apr 2013 06:10:50 EST

A man and a woman go to the carnival every year. Every time the man says,"Anna can we ride them airplanes that goes up for a couple of minutes then comes back down?"

The woman always replied by saying,"We don`t need to spend any extra money on them airplanes,its to expensive.Ten dollars is ten dollars.

Tom, the pilot, said," Larry, every year I hear you say you want to ride my airplanes, and every year Anna says it`s too expensive. I`ll make you a deal, if I do all of my...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Mon, 1 Apr 2013 04:50:30 EST

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight, doc. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer."

When his lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes.

When the man remained silent for several minutes, the lawyer ask...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Sun, 31 Mar 2013 07:04:34 EST

Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy's in the bathroom. As Jimmy's getting undressed he says to himself, "How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" Then he throws his socks under the bed. Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and *he* goes into the bathroom. Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, How am I going to tell him...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 04:24:08 EST

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped in a speed trap. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
"Yep." the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies. "These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained. "Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies." "What's a circle fly?" "Them flies that circle a horse's ***" answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies." "You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ***, woul...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 05:38:29 EST

A religious women upon waking up each morning would open her front door stand on the porch and scream, “Praise the lord.” This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, “there is no Lord.” One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch. The next morning the lady screamed, “praise the Lord, who gave me this food.” The neighbor laughin...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Thu, 28 Mar 2013 04:22:44 EST

Two oldies got engaged, and as they were strolling down the street excitedly planning there wedding they passed a drugstore. “Excuse me” the man said to the clerk, “Do you sell medicine for memory problems?” “Sure” replied the clerk “all kinds.” “How about for arthritis?” “Yup” replied the clerk. “Wheelchairs, walkers, adult diapers?” “Yeah”, replied the clerk, all kinds. “OK excellent” said the man “because we are getting married next month, and we want to use you as our Bridal Registry.

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Wed, 27 Mar 2013 07:03:33 EST

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'. " The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Tue, 26 Mar 2013 05:02:18 EST

A Dr. is walking down through the hall of the hospital toward his office when he passes Mother Angelica walking very briskly while saying her rosary rather loudly. His associate, a Psychiatrist, comes around the corner next and he asks him about this. "Hey, what's with Mother Angelica? She was just hoofing down the hall and saying her rosary to beat the band." "Aw, I just told her she was pregnant." "My God, is she?" "No, of course not, but it sure cured her hiccups!"

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Sun, 24 Mar 2013 06:09:06 EST

A leader in a Christian Science church was talking to a member of his congregation: "And how is your husband today?" "I'm afraid he's very ill." "No, no," corrected the leader, "You really shouldn't say that - you should say that he's under the impression that he's very ill ." The woman nods in agreement, "Yes, I'll remember next time." A few weeks later the leader saw the woman again. "And how is your husband at the moment?" "Well", she replied, "he's under the impression that he's dead!"

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Sat, 23 Mar 2013 05:22:26 EST

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breath...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 05:05:09 EST

Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her righthand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on ...

Joke of the day,Lets Laugh.

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 04:39:36 EST

A man who's wife was pregnant couldn't bear to be in the delivery room at the time of the birth.

So he thought he'd ring up later to see if it had come yet.

He rang up and the nurse said "it's a girl but there's another one on the way"

he rang again later and the nurse said "it's another girl but there's another coming"

he rang once more and the nurse said " it's a boy but there's another coming"

He couldn't stand it any more so he went t...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 05:00:37 EST

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Mon, 18 Mar 2013 05:36:01 EST

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

Joke of the day,Let;s Laugh.

Sun, 17 Mar 2013 05:06:09 EST

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they Hated each other.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
Neighbours feared him.
They believed he practiced magic because of the many strange Occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he w...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Sat, 16 Mar 2013 06:49:42 EST

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Fri, 15 Mar 2013 05:07:13 EST

Two senior citizens are pushing their carts around Walmart, looking left and right, when they collide head-on.
The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that.
I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can’t find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her.
Wha...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Thu, 14 Mar 2013 05:28:52 EST

Elevators

A boy and his father (new immigrants in Canada), were visiting a shopping center. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father:
"What is this, Dad?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded: "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 04:50:29 EST

Good bye, Mother!

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around, but he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
She said: "Pardon me, I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
The young man replied: "I'm very sorry, is there anything I can do for you?"...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Tue, 12 Mar 2013 05:34:14 EST

The blonde got a cell phone

A young man, wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So, he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited and she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes to get her hair done. Her phone rings and it's her husband:
"Hi honey", he says, "How do you like your new phone?"
"I just love it, it's so small and your ...

Joke of the day,Let's Laugh.

Mon, 11 Mar 2013 05:18:16 EST

Perfect time

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers: "What is this?"