MHINTZ0929's SparkPeople Blog MHINTZ0929's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Joke of the Day -August 11, 2015 Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it? <BR> <BR> A: A waist of time. <BR> <em>24</em> Tue, 11 Aug 2015 04:36:16 EST Saturday's Joke of the Day A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!' <BR> <BR> The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?' <BR> <em>213</em> Sat, 10 Aug 2013 07:50:15 EST Wednesday's Joke of the Day A patron at a restaurant was continually bothering the waiter about the air conditioning: first he would ask for the air conditioning to be turned up because it was too hot, then he would ask it be turned down because it was too cold. This went on for about a half an hour. To the surprise of the rest of the customers, the waiter was very patient, walking aback and forth and very pleasant. So finally a customer asked, "why don’t you just throw out the pest?" “Oh, I don’t care,” said the waiter... Wed, 7 Aug 2013 08:43:15 EST Tuesday's Joke of the Day A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. <BR> <BR> For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me." <BR> <BR> The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap... Tue, 6 Aug 2013 09:02:58 EST Monday's Joke of the Day "Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!" <BR> "Do you drink a lot?" <BR> "Not really - I spill most of it!" <BR> <em>213</em> Mon, 5 Aug 2013 09:49:00 EST Sunday's Joke of the Day Doctor: What’s wrong with your bother? <BR> Boy: He thinks he is a chicken. <BR> Doctor: really? How long has this been going on? <BR> Boy: Five years. <BR> Doctor: Five years! <BR> Boy: We would have brought him in earlier, but we needed the eggs. <BR> <em>213</em> Sun, 4 Aug 2013 10:45:03 EST Saturday's Joke of the Day One friend to another, “My new horse is very well-mannered.” <BR> “That’s nice.” <BR> “Yes, isn’t it? Every time we come to a jump he stops and lets me go first!” <BR> <em>213</em> Sat, 3 Aug 2013 09:06:03 EST Friday's Joke of the Day Her minister told an eighty-year-old woman that, at her age, she should be giving some thought to what he called “the hereafter.” She said to him, “I think about it many times a day.” <BR> “Oh, really?” said the minister. “That is very wise.” <BR> “It’s not a matter of wisdom,” she replied. “It’s when I open a drawer or a closet, I ask myself, ‘What am I here after?’” <BR> <em>213</em> Fri, 2 Aug 2013 08:20:13 EST Thursday's Joke of the Day The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" <BR> At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a season pass?" <BR> <em>213</em> Thu, 1 Aug 2013 08:32:46 EST Wednesday's Joke of the Day A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." <BR> The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies, "I... Wed, 31 Jul 2013 09:23:31 EST Tuesday's Joke of the Day Lying on his deathbed, the wealthy Mr. Sams was instructing his attorney on last-minute changes in his will. <BR> “I wish to leave everything I own, all stocks, bonds property, art, and money, to my wife. However, there is one stipulation.” <BR> “And that is?” <BR> “In order to inherit, she must marry within six months of my death.” <BR> The lawyer seemed puzzled. “Why make such an unusual request?” <BR> Mr. Sams answered, “Because I want someone to be sorry I died.” <BR> <em>213</e... Tue, 30 Jul 2013 10:03:56 EST Monday's Joke of the Day A man sat down and was seriously staring at their marriage certificate. After a long time, his wife asked, “What are you looking for?" <BR> He replied, “The expiration date.” <BR> <em>213</em> Mon, 29 Jul 2013 08:41:30 EST Sunday's Joke of the Day Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here. The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch. So what was that for, he asked. Control your speed next time, you almost killed us. <BR> <em>213</em> Sun, 28 Jul 2013 10:44:02 EST Saturday's Joke of the Day Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." <BR> The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!" <BR> The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it... Sat, 27 Jul 2013 23:01:52 EST Friday's Joke of the Day Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows. <BR> <em>213</em> Fri, 26 Jul 2013 08:46:21 EST Thursday's Joke of the Day A man goes into a pet shop, wanting to buy a bird. He sees a beautiful bird, the loveliest he's ever seen, and asks how much it is. The shop owner replies 'that bird is $1000'. 'What?!?' cries the man, '$1000 for a bird? What does it do?’ 'Well, I'm glad you asked.' says the shop owner, 'you see, that bird can sing every female role in the ring cycle from memory.' The man thinks, ok but I can't afford the bird. He sees a shorter, but still beautiful, bird and asks how much that one is. 'That ... Thu, 25 Jul 2013 10:10:09 EST Wednesday's Joke of the Day Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the care home one day when Tim turned to the other and said "John I'm really feeling my age today I just hurt all over, how are you feeling? <BR> John replied "I feel just like a new born babe" <BR> Tim looked at him startled "A New Born babe really?" <BR> "Yep, I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants." <BR> <em>213</em> Wed, 24 Jul 2013 08:41:04 EST Tuesday's Joke of the Day A lady sitting at home got a phone call. She answered it; a strange sounding man said, "This is the Viper. I am coming." the lady was frightened. 5 minutes later she got another phone call the same man replied" This is the Viper. I am almost there." The lady was terrified. Another 5 minutes later the phone range again. It was the same man. He said, " I am coming up now." The lady was so scared she called the police. Before the police got there, a man walked in the door with a bucket of water ... Tue, 23 Jul 2013 09:49:01 EST Monday's Joke of the Day A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you." <BR> The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?" <BR> The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine." <BR> <em>213</em> Mon, 22 Jul 2013 09:01:36 EST Saturday's Joke of the Day Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready. <BR> <BR> The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class... Sat, 20 Jul 2013 10:13:49 EST Friday's Joke of the Day A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. <BR> "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" "To kill my husband." <BR> "I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!" <BR> The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. <BR> The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife. <BR> He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!" <BR> <em>213</em> Fri, 19 Jul 2013 08:43:59 EST Thursday's Joke of the Day Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time: <BR> <BR> 1. Get cans of cat food and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it. <BR> 2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. <BR> 3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. <BR> 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens. <BR> 5. Tun... Thu, 18 Jul 2013 08:22:27 EST Wednesday's Joke of the Day The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. <BR> <em>213</em> Wed, 17 Jul 2013 08:37:44 EST Tuesday's Joke of the Day A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." <BR> <BR> The next day he received a hundred letters. <BR> <BR> They all said the same: "You can have mine." <BR> <em>213</em> Tue, 16 Jul 2013 09:05:04 EST Monday's Joke of the Day There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they discussed which the oldest profession was. <BR> <BR> The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world. <BR> <BR> The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly... Mon, 15 Jul 2013 12:25:59 EST Sunday's Joke of the Day Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. <BR> Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. <BR> "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." <BR> Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." <BR> "What does that tell you?" Holmes asked. <BR> Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially bil... Sun, 14 Jul 2013 09:11:21 EST Friday's Joke of the Day How to give a cat a pill. <BR> 1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. <BR> 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process. <BR> 3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left ar... Fri, 12 Jul 2013 09:28:24 EST Thursday's Joke of the Day A young girl came home from a date looking sad. She told her mother, “Charles proposed to me a few minutes ago.” <BR> <BR> “Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked. <BR> <BR> “Because he also mentioned he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t believe there’s hell!” <BR> <BR> Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.” <BR> <em>213</em> Thu, 11 Jul 2013 20:23:24 EST Wednesday's Joke of the Day A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" <BR> "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" <BR> He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." <BR> The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay ... Wed, 10 Jul 2013 08:52:41 EST Tuesday's Joke of the Day Confusius say, "Man who stands on toilet is high on pot." <BR> <em>213</em> Tue, 9 Jul 2013 08:36:00 EST Monday's Joke of the Day A guy drove to the beach and parked his car close to the water's edge - not realizing it was Low Tide - then he went for a long hike up into the mountains. During his excursion, High Tide came and then receded - completely submersing his car for a period of time in the process. When he finally returned to his car - he became very concerned when he found out that he had Tuna in his Mercury! <BR> <em>213</em> Mon, 8 Jul 2013 09:29:21 EST Sunday's Joke of the Day A teacher in a political science class asked the students, "Who is the most powerful person in the US?" <BR> A student answered, "The First Pet?" <BR> The teacher then asked, "Why?" <BR> The student explained, "Because, the president kneels before him, talks to him, listens to him, follows him, prefers him to office staff, looks after his wellbeing before the voters', cancels/defers official duties in favor of him, and boards Airforce One first." <BR> <em>213</em> Sun, 7 Jul 2013 09:43:21 EST Monday's Joke of the Day Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" <BR> <BR> The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." <BR> <BR> The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a... Mon, 10 Jun 2013 08:17:38 EST Sunday's Joke of the Day A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died. <BR> "Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?" <BR> An eager student gave his answer. <BR> "Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms." <BR> <em>213</e... Sun, 9 Jun 2013 18:30:53 EST Saturday's Joke of the Day An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. <BR> <BR> He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me." <BR> <BR> "Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor. "Do you drink much?" <BR> <BR> "Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop." <BR> <BR> "How about smoking?" asked the doctor. <BR> <BR> "Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it." <BR> <BR> "Well, uh," said the... Sat, 8 Jun 2013 08:51:58 EST Thursday's Joke of the Day A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry, and was not happy about the slowness of the line. <BR> <BR> When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Easter!" <BR> <BR> "Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind k... Thu, 6 Jun 2013 08:20:00 EST Wednesday's Joke of the Day Q. Who takes care of the farm when the farmer is sick? <BR> <BR> A. The pharmacist! <BR> <em>213</em> Wed, 5 Jun 2013 16:23:21 EST Tuesday's Joke of the Day The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?” <BR> <BR> ”Yes, your honor.” <BR> <BR> “And why was that?” <BR> <BR> “Because my wife wanted a dress.” <BR> <BR> The judge checked his notes. “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!” <BR> <BR> “Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times.” <BR> <em>213</em> Tue, 4 Jun 2013 21:20:15 EST Sunday's Joke of the Day An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg. <BR> <BR> “I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.” <BR> <BR> “That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.” <BR> <BR> “How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor. <BR> <BR> “Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!” <BR> <em>213</em> Sun, 2 Jun 2013 10:52:49 EST Friday's Joke of the Day There were 3 friends stranded on an island. Exploring the island, the 3 men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them 3 wishes. The first man said, "I wish I was with my family" then poof he was with his family. The second guy said "I wish I was in a bar with my friends" then poof he was gone. The third guy was feeling bad and the genie asked, "What's wrong?" The man said, I'm lonely I wish my friends were here. Poof, his two friends were back ... Fri, 31 May 2013 09:51:19 EST Thursday's Joke of the Day What did the mayo say when someone opened the refrigerator door? <BR> <BR> "Close the door, I'm dressing!" <BR> <em>213</em> Thu, 30 May 2013 20:44:45 EST Wednesday's Joke of the Day Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!" <BR> "Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!" <BR> <em>213</em> Wed, 29 May 2013 19:41:24 EST Tuesday's Joke of the Day - I'm Back Thanks to everyone who checked in with me, while I was checked out for awhile. I'm well, settling in to a new job, and hoping for down time this summer. <BR> <BR> <BR> In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no wa... Tue, 28 May 2013 09:33:20 EST Sunday's Joke of the Day Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well... Sun, 12 May 2013 09:25:15 EST Saturday's Joke of the Day Knock-knock. <BR> Who's there? <BR> Dishes. <BR> Dishes who? <BR> Dishes the police! Come out with your hands up! <BR> <em>213</em> Sat, 4 May 2013 09:02:25 EST Monday's Joke of the Day During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man. The Russians used a pencil. <BR> <em>213</em> Mon, 8 Apr 2013 08:38:31 EST Sunday's Joke of the Day The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job. <BR> "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" <BR> "11" he replied. <BR> The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" <BR> "Today and tomorrow." <BR> The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. <BR>... Sun, 7 Apr 2013 08:47:09 EST Wednesday's Joke of the Day A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before. <BR> <BR> "You’ll get your chance in court," says the desk sergeant. <BR> <BR> "No, no, no! says the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!" <BR> <em>213</em> Wed, 3 Apr 2013 09:39:10 EST Tuesday's Joke of the Day One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" <BR> <BR> The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" <BR> <BR> One little girl raised her hand and said, <BR> "I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'" <BR> <BR> ... Tue, 2 Apr 2013 08:29:48 EST Monday's Joke of the Day An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?" <BR> <em>213</em> Mon, 25 Mar 2013 08:22:25 EST