Monday's Joke of the Day

Mon, 10 Jun 2013 08:17:38 EST

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a...

Sunday's Joke of the Day

Sun, 9 Jun 2013 18:30:53 EST

A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."
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Saturday's Joke of the Day

Sat, 8 Jun 2013 08:51:58 EST
An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up.

He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me."

"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor. "Do you drink much?"

"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop."

"How about smoking?" asked the doctor.

"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it."

"Well, uh," said the...

Thursday's Joke of the Day

Thu, 6 Jun 2013 08:20:00 EST
A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry, and was not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Easter!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind k...

Wednesday's Joke of the Day

Wed, 5 Jun 2013 16:23:21 EST
Q. Who takes care of the farm when the farmer is sick?

A. The pharmacist!
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Tuesday's Joke of the Day

Tue, 4 Jun 2013 21:20:15 EST
The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?”

”Yes, your honor.”

“And why was that?”

“Because my wife wanted a dress.”

The judge checked his notes. “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!”

“Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times.”
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Sunday's Joke of the Day

Sun, 2 Jun 2013 10:52:49 EST
An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg.

“I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.”

“That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.”

“How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor.

“Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”
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Friday's Joke of the Day

Fri, 31 May 2013 09:51:19 EST
There were 3 friends stranded on an island. Exploring the island, the 3 men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them 3 wishes. The first man said, "I wish I was with my family" then poof he was with his family. The second guy said "I wish I was in a bar with my friends" then poof he was gone. The third guy was feeling bad and the genie asked, "What's wrong?" The man said, I'm lonely I wish my friends were here. Poof, his two friends were back ...

Thursday's Joke of the Day

Thu, 30 May 2013 20:44:45 EST
What did the mayo say when someone opened the refrigerator door?

"Close the door, I'm dressing!"
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Wednesday's Joke of the Day

Wed, 29 May 2013 19:41:24 EST
Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!"
"Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!"
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Tuesday's Joke of the Day - I'm Back

Tue, 28 May 2013 09:33:20 EST
Thanks to everyone who checked in with me, while I was checked out for awhile. I'm well, settling in to a new job, and hoping for down time this summer.

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no wa...

Sunday's Joke of the Day

Sun, 12 May 2013 09:25:15 EST
Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well...

Saturday's Joke of the Day

Sat, 4 May 2013 09:02:25 EST
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes the police! Come out with your hands up!
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Monday's Joke of the Day

Mon, 8 Apr 2013 08:38:31 EST
During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man. The Russians used a pencil.
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Sunday's Joke of the Day

Sun, 7 Apr 2013 08:47:09 EST
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
...

Wednesday's Joke of the Day

Wed, 3 Apr 2013 09:39:10 EST
A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before.

"You’ll get your chance in court," says the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no! says the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!"
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Tuesday's Joke of the Day

Tue, 2 Apr 2013 08:29:48 EST
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'"

...

Monday's Joke of the Day

Mon, 25 Mar 2013 08:22:25 EST
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
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Friday's Joke of the Day

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 07:43:51 EST
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man yo...

Thursday's Joke of the Day

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 08:28:09 EST
A male frog went to a psychic.

The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."
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Wednesday's Joke of the Day

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 13:06:23 EST
Okay, so a Texas rancher comes upon a farmer from Maine.

The Texan looks at the Mainer and asks, "Say, how much land you think you got here?"

Mainer: "Bout 10 acres I'd say."

Texan (boasting): "Well, on my lot, it takes me all day to drive completely around my property!"

Mainer: "Yep, I got one of them trucks too."
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Tuesday's Joke of the Day

Tue, 19 Mar 2013 08:23:37 EST
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.

She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.

He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.

He says, "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He goes, "Geez... oooh.... I..."

She says, "Yeah,...

Monday's Joke of the Day

Mon, 18 Mar 2013 09:47:58 EST
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine ...

Friday's Joke of the Day

Fri, 15 Mar 2013 08:30:42 EST
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
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Thursday's Joke of the Day

Thu, 14 Mar 2013 08:42:32 EST
So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for
Gramma's kitchen.

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny...

Wednesday's Joke of the Day

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 11:19:11 EST
Son: Dad!, Dad! I got a part in the school play! I play the husband.

Dad: Too bad they did not give a speaking role.
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Tuesday's Joke of the Day

Tue, 12 Mar 2013 08:31:08 EST
A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in?" the man shouted "NO why don’t you all understand I want to be alone!" and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that for...

Monday's Joke of the Day

Mon, 11 Mar 2013 08:55:01 EST
A family was having dinner and the little boy said,"Dad I don't like the
holes in the cheese!" Well son, eat the cheese and leave the holes on the
side of the plate.
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Sunday's Joke of the Day

Sun, 10 Mar 2013 09:28:14 EST
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.”
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
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Saturday's Joke of the Day

Sat, 9 Mar 2013 08:49:02 EST
A man solves the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back.
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Friday's Joke of the Day

Fri, 8 Mar 2013 08:33:09 EST
A doctor got a phone call from one of his colleagues. “We need a fourth for poker,” the voice on the phone said. “I’ll be right over,” replied the doctor. As he was putting on his overcoat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” he said gravely. “They’ve had to call in three other doctors as well.”
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Thursday's Joke of the Day

Thu, 7 Mar 2013 08:36:56 EST
While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. “Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!”
“Dear God! Did your try to stop him?” “No,” said the clerk, “but don’t worry. I got the license plate number!”
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Wednesday's Joke of the Day

Wed, 6 Mar 2013 10:18:39 EST
When a man with nine children was asked how he handled illness among his children, he said...

"When the first born coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When the last one swallowed a quarter, I told him that it was coming out of his allowance!"
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Tuesday's Joke of the Day

Tue, 5 Mar 2013 08:12:07 EST
Three old pilots are walking on the ramp. First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”
Second says, “No, its Thursday!”
Third one says, “So am I. Lest go get a beer.”
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Monday's Joke of the Day

Mon, 4 Mar 2013 08:42:50 EST
Nurse: Good morning Mr. Smith, you seem to be coughing much more easily this morning.
Mr. Smith: That’s because I’ve been practicing all night.
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Saturday's Joke of the Day

Sat, 2 Mar 2013 08:22:39 EST
A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I'm the chip monk!
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Friday's Joke of the Day

Fri, 1 Mar 2013 09:31:33 EST
Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.

The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter.

The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store...

Thursday's Joke of the Day

Thu, 28 Feb 2013 08:44:14 EST
A man purchased a brand new $350,000.00 Lamborghini sports car. He took it out on the expressway to see just how fast his car would travel. The man accelerated past 100 mph and then an old man on a moped passed him up like he was standing still. The man in the sports car was amazed at the feat and accelerated so quickly he passed the old man on his moped like he was standing still too. Then as quickly as the man in his sports car passed the old man on his moped, the old man passed him up agai...

Wednesday's Joke of the Day

Wed, 27 Feb 2013 10:46:01 EST
If you can’t find a lawyer who knows the law, find a lawyer who knows the judge.
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Tuesday's Joke of the Day

Tue, 26 Feb 2013 07:56:20 EST
“How did school go today? a mother asked her little boy.

“Fine," the little fellow replied. “We had a new teacher and she wanted to know if I had any brothers and I told her I was an only child."

What did she say?” his mother asked.

The teacher said, “Thank goodness.” 213

Monday's Joke of the Day

Mon, 25 Feb 2013 09:06:47 EST
The Army has been experimenting for years to come up with a liquid that will eat through anything and they finally did it. It eats through glass, stainless steel, iron,and all kinds of metal, rock and granite. Now if they could only find something to put it in.
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Sunday's Joke of the Day

Sun, 24 Feb 2013 08:38:03 EST
The driving instructor was giving lessons to an extremely nervous student who panicked whenever another car approached on a particular two-lane road. One day, however, they got to the same stretch of road; and the student remained completely calm.
“This time you’re doing fine!” exclaimed the instructor. “Yes,” the novice driver agreed.
“Now when I see another car coming, I shut my eyes.”
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Saturday's Joke of the Day

Sat, 23 Feb 2013 16:42:39 EST
While getting a checkup, a man tells his doctor that he thinks his wife is losing her hearing.

The doctor says, "You should do a simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say 'honey?’ Move 3 feet closer, and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds. Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is."

About a month later, the same guy is at the doctor again, and the doctor asks...

Friday's Joke of the Day

Fri, 22 Feb 2013 08:27:24 EST
A student burst into his professor’s office and says; "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."

To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
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Thursday's Joke of the Day

Thu, 21 Feb 2013 08:28:47 EST
A couple was making their first doctors visit prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”
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Wednesday's Joke of the Day

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 08:33:13 EST
The 12-Step Program for Internet Addicts

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I use to.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash the dog, get the kids off to school, all before even thinking of the Internet.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-d...

Tuesday's Joke of the Day

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 08:37:16 EST
A sign posted in a Dentist's office said:

"Please be nice to our dentists. They have fillings too."
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Monday's Joke of the Day

Mon, 18 Feb 2013 08:29:46 EST
Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?

Peter: Because they had so many knights.
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Sunday's Joke of the Day

Sun, 17 Feb 2013 09:10:47 EST
A lawyer phoned the governor’s mansion shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the governor, it’s an emergency!” exclaimed the lawyer. After some cajoling, the governor’s assistant agreed to wake him up. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbled the governor. “Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place,” beg the attorney. “Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary,” replied the governor.
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Saturday's Joke of the Day

Sat, 16 Feb 2013 08:50:58 EST
A college's student body is composed of the sons and daughters of the very rich who could not meet the academic requirements of any other college. Lo and behold, the college basketball team wins every game and dominates their league. All this success is due to one amazing player - a cross between Larry Bird and Michael Jordan.
This kid is terrific. The player and the team become the center of nationwide media attention. The student body is thrilled. Now, the NCAA goes to the college and ...

MHINTZ0929's SparkPeople Blog

Monday's Joke of the Day

Sunday's Joke of the Day

Saturday's Joke of the Day

Thursday's Joke of the Day

Wednesday's Joke of the Day

Tuesday's Joke of the Day

Sunday's Joke of the Day

Friday's Joke of the Day

Thursday's Joke of the Day

Wednesday's Joke of the Day

Tuesday's Joke of the Day - I'm Back

Sunday's Joke of the Day

Saturday's Joke of the Day

Monday's Joke of the Day

Sunday's Joke of the Day

Wednesday's Joke of the Day

Tuesday's Joke of the Day

Monday's Joke of the Day

Friday's Joke of the Day

Thursday's Joke of the Day

Wednesday's Joke of the Day

Tuesday's Joke of the Day

Monday's Joke of the Day

Friday's Joke of the Day

Thursday's Joke of the Day

Wednesday's Joke of the Day

Tuesday's Joke of the Day

Monday's Joke of the Day

Sunday's Joke of the Day

Saturday's Joke of the Day

Friday's Joke of the Day

Thursday's Joke of the Day

Wednesday's Joke of the Day

Tuesday's Joke of the Day

Monday's Joke of the Day

Saturday's Joke of the Day

Friday's Joke of the Day

Thursday's Joke of the Day

Wednesday's Joke of the Day

Tuesday's Joke of the Day

Monday's Joke of the Day

Sunday's Joke of the Day

Saturday's Joke of the Day

Friday's Joke of the Day

Thursday's Joke of the Day

Wednesday's Joke of the Day

Tuesday's Joke of the Day

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