METALBABE's SparkPeople Blog METALBABE's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Day 109 Things have sort of cooled off here - never thought I would say that about a 90 degree day! At least the nights are cooling off again. I love the story of the rising pizza dough, Sabine! Hilarious. I think my computer problem is a memory issue. I think all of my storage is too full for my computer to function. The irony of this analogy is far from lost on me... <BR> <BR> My mom met with her pulmonologist today, and there is no improvement in her scan. In fact, things look slightly w... Tue, 30 Jun 2015 00:25:04 EST Day 108 My computer is acting up - long delays between when I type and when the words appear on the screen. Basically the computer is just freezing for moments at a time... Not sure why or what to make of it, but I hope it doesn't give out on me, as I really rely on it and can't afford a new one right now. I already tried the old tried-and-true turn-it-off-and-turn-it-on-again trick to no avail. Not sure what else I can try. But for tonight, I will keep it short. Hope I will be back tomorrow! <... Mon, 29 Jun 2015 01:00:45 EST Day 107 I am disappointed to report that I am NOT writing to you from next to a campfire in the mountains. I got through with my workshop this afternoon and was just way too tired to pack everything up, drive for two hours, and pitch a tent - all for just one night. Instead, I came home and ate like crazy. I know when I am overworked and stressed, I find myself eating well beyond hunger. Some of it is physiological, I think - my body wants sleep, but since I am not giving it that, it asks for mor... Sun, 28 Jun 2015 01:16:31 EST Day 106 SO HOT!!! It doesn't seem to be cooling off at all tonight. Glad I will be in air conditioning all day tomorrow while teaching my workshop. Hope it goes smoothly. I have some devoted students signed up, so I am hoping it will be a breeze... <BR> <BR> My mother was supposed to hear from her pulmonologist to discuss the results of her latest lung scan, and I am concerned that there was no reporting email in my inbox when I got home from work. She is usually very on top of those things, so... Fri, 26 Jun 2015 23:38:28 EST Day 105 Frustrating day. Lots of weird misunderstandings and technological snafus. Long day, too. I'm teaching on Thursday nights summer term, as well as Tuesdays, and I feel like I just don't have any room to breathe. I hate coming home to a house that is in total disarray - dishes in the sink, clean & dirty laundry stacked in piles, stuff everywhere because I'm just always running, running... <BR> <BR> It's also going to be about 100 degrees Farenheit here for the next WEEK, which is very, ver... Fri, 26 Jun 2015 01:19:52 EST Day 104 Thanks so much for the helpful feedback and support about my day yesterday. My little "confessional" actually did help me sleep. Leaving it all on the page really worked. So thank you, once again, for helping me through it all. XO Thu, 25 Jun 2015 01:53:40 EST Day 103 Tuesdays are ROUGH. I get home so late after being so "on" for so many hours, and I tend to be both exhausted and completely amped by the time I get home. It's very hard to get into a place of peace and ready myself for bed essentially as soon as I walk in the door, so I can be ready to face tomorrow at 5AM. Usually, by 10PM I am in bed these days to try to get seven hours of sleep. But Tuesdays throw my whole week off, since I don't even get home until after 10PM. Maybe blogging will he... Wed, 24 Jun 2015 01:47:12 EST Day 102 Overwhelmed is the word of the day. I am feeling like I don't even have time to write this tonight. So I'm not going to write much more than this. Have to write a letter of recommendation for one of my students before I go to bed. So, off I go. Just wanted to check this off my list... Check in? Check! Tue, 23 Jun 2015 01:26:48 EST Day 101 Got to see my stepdaughter today. Her behavior has changed so drastically, and not for the better. Not only have her manners completely disappeared, her language has gotten filthy (in an eight-year-old sort of way). Everything is poop and barf and violent talk of killing and dying. Though she does not hit or act out violently herself, her make-believe play has her stuffed-animals and other toys acting this way. She then acts as though she is not responsible for their actions. It is a s... Sun, 21 Jun 2015 22:48:10 EST Day 100! We made it!! 100 days of blogging (almost) every day. It's just a number, but it feels like a nice milestone to celebrate. <BR> <BR> And I wouldn't have gotten to this milestone without you! But as always, I hate that blogging is so one-sided. So here are a couple of more questions so I can hear from YOU and get to know you a little bit more. As always, I will answer, also... <BR> <BR> 1. If you could do ANYTHING for one day, what would it be? It could be anything - trying a new voca... Sun, 21 Jun 2015 00:05:42 EST Day 99 Wall push ups = great idea! My wrists seem not to be able to support all my weight on the floor, even with my knees bent, so the wall push ups are a great idea. Thank you! <BR> <BR> I don't have much to say tonight. Just checking in. Amazed to see that I have been doing this for 99 days today (with a couple of skipped days in between). Thanks for cheering me on along the way! <BR> <BR> Tomorrow, I want to "celebrate" by asking a few more questions. Will have to come up with something ... Fri, 19 Jun 2015 23:55:23 EST Day 98 I'm feeling pretty good about my progress this week. Or maybe progress isn't the right word - maybe something more like...dedication? I have not lost any more weight in the past couple of weeks - it seems like after the first twenty pounds came off, my body is starting to feel possessive about letting go of any more. Not that the first twenty just melted away - it has all been really effing hard! But I guess this is what they call a plateau. I wasn't expecting to get here this soon... <B... Fri, 19 Jun 2015 00:52:21 EST Day 97 Yesterday was actually a good day. Even though it was my super-long day of teaching, I have a new group of excited students in all my classes. After teaching until 10PM, I joined my brother and his friends who were already in full swing singing karaoke at a karaoke "box" bar (where you get your own room and food and drink is delivered to you - VERY FUN!). I didn't know anyone, but I stuck around for my bro, because it was his birthday. He entered a song I knew he wanted to sing with me as... Thu, 18 Jun 2015 00:07:23 EST Day 95 Too tired to write much tonight, but just wanted to continue my practice and at least show up. So here I am! And here I go. Good night... Tue, 16 Jun 2015 01:24:46 EST Day 94 How do we make change when we are caught in a cycle of maintaining the status quo? I work like a crazy person, way too many hours a week, to maintain my "lifestyle," which is not extravagant, but because of my hourly rate, there is no wiggle room. But I am hand-to-mouth in terms of budget, so how am I supposed to take any time off to even plan out a change, let alone execute it? Where do I even start? I know I can't wait for change to come from outside, but I don't have a huge drive to ma... Mon, 15 Jun 2015 00:08:55 EST Day 93 Great suggestions for travel and family relations, thank you. Maybe I should employ them here at home, too, since I seem to have gone off the rails again. <BR> <BR> Sugar is like a drug to me. I CANNOT be trusted around it. I can't "just have a little." Once I start eating it, I can't control myself. It seems to trigger crazy cravings, and I feel powerless to resist them. I can't have it in the house, because I will eat it all. <BR> <BR> It started today because I brought baked goods... Sun, 14 Jun 2015 00:04:21 EST Day 92 July is going to be a rough month. I start with a week of regular work and new summer class load. Then my one job is closed for a week (my boss goes on vacation and our suppliers are closed), so no money that week from that job. Then I have to go to New York to see my mom and then to Maine to go to a meeting for a week, so no money from ANY jobs. I have no idea how the mortgage is going to get paid. Trying to hustle some commission work and private lessons for that second week. Glad my ... Sat, 13 Jun 2015 00:43:38 EST Day 91 I *just* saw your weird side? Really, Bev? You're hilarious! <BR> <em>246</em> <BR> First of all, I know you well enough from our correspondence over the years to know that you are TOTALLY weird - in the best possible ways - and I wouldn't know how to relate to you if you weren't. And secondly, you have been subject to all SORTS of crazy talk from me through all these blog entries pouring my heart out without much editing. If anyone should be worried about seeming "weird," it's me. ... Fri, 12 Jun 2015 01:18:52 EST Day 90 You know that I try to blog every day. Did I mention that I also email my mother every day, ever since her crazy email back in February? It's usually nothing long, but just contact - some concrete way for her to know that someone is thinking of her. It is completely one-sided: the topic(s) are all about her, how she is feeling, what doctor appointments she has coming up, what the doctor said to her today, what is growing in her garden. I tried to mention in my email on Sunday night (after... Wed, 10 Jun 2015 23:45:35 EST Day 89 Today was the last day of my metalsmithing afternoon class that is FULL of VERY BIG personalities. We have the Clepto, the Narcissist, the Religious Fanatic, the Wizard, the Know-It-All, the Scaredy Cat, the Standup, the Addict and the Insomniac. There are also two fairly well-adjusted people in the class. And me. Normally I like a challenge, but I could not wait for this class to be over! Ten weeks of these eleven students bickering and one-upping each other was about all I could stand... Tue, 9 Jun 2015 23:48:15 EST Day 88 So, it turns out there are TWO reasons I don't write - one is that nothing happened to me of note, and the other is that I am too full to process enough to get things out on the page. Yesterday was the latter. <BR> <BR> Yesterday was the hottest day we have had so far this year, and I cooked for eight hours straight. I cooked because it was my day for Meal Train for my friend Eric, who has brain cancer. I made several dishes from One Bite at a Time, a cookbook for cancer survivors that ... Mon, 8 Jun 2015 23:57:26 EST Day 86 It's funny - my days seem to go from chock-full of issues I need to vent about to me having absolutely nothing to say. I was basically going, going, going all day again today from 7AM when I left the house to 7PM when I returned. Then I ran around the house trying to get things cooled off, plants watered, etc. until finally sitting down now, around 8PM. And now all I want to do is go to bed! No time to process. Nothing to say. Maybe tomorrow. Sat, 6 Jun 2015 23:37:16 EST Day 85 Today was all over the map. I enjoyed a small personal victory at the gym - 40 minutes on the elliptical! It was set at one of the easiest settings, but I have not been able to do even five minutes on the elliptical since my heart surgeries and was even scared to try. But there is only one recumbent bike (my cardio of choice), and someone was parked at it when I arrived this morning, so I decided to hop on. My recent experience hiking in the high desert really gave me the confidence I was... Sat, 6 Jun 2015 00:51:09 EST Day 84 Thanks for the great reflections, observations and feedback about my "fan mail" yesterday. It was so helpful for me to have some outside perspective on it. I did speak with my boss about it (forwarded the email to him, actually), after responding the the sender that I was going to do that, since the issue he was having was with my employer. John's only real reaction was indignance that the complaint was not directed to the "owner of the business" (him). He is planning to respond to the pe... Thu, 4 Jun 2015 16:53:11 EST Day 83 This morning, I awoke to find this message in my personal email inbox: <BR> "Krista did you have anything to do with John sudden hostile attitude towards me? I'd known him for 20 years. Someone told me your prone to bad mouthing people. Did you do that to me for some strange reason. Just want to know the truth." <BR> <BR> John is my boss at the retail job that serves the jewelry industry. I have been there for two years. The person who wrote this to me and I have been acquainted for about ... Wed, 3 Jun 2015 21:39:06 EST Day 82 I don't know why I keep posting here when I have nothing to say. Today was a "shame day," when I was ashamed to write how much and what I ate. But I am documenting to keep myself accountable, and I suppose that is also why I am posting in my blog - because I have made a commitment to it. For whatever that is worth... <BR> <BR> It is unexpectedly cold and rainy here, and I refuse to turn on the heat in JUNE, so my cat continues to use me as a heat source. Good thing he is cute! Here is ... Wed, 3 Jun 2015 00:18:09 EST Day 81 I don't have much to say today. It rained today and tonight is cold and damp compared to the weather we have been having. It makes my cat, who is a needy little bugger anyway, particularly interested in me as a heat source. He has been yelling at me unless I am holding him since i got home from work tonight. I think he is also not feeling good again. I suspect a belly ache. Maybe another pancreatitis flareup. I hate it when I can't soothe him. <BR> <BR> Nothing else much here to repo... Mon, 1 Jun 2015 23:40:29 EST Day 80 <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I thought a little light humor might be called for today. I actually got this quote from my ex-mother-in-law's Facebook page (technically she wasn't my MIL, since we were never legally married, I guess, but it is how I think of her, minus the "ex"). She and I have a lot in common in terms of our sense of humor, and I cracked up when I saw it. Thought you might, too. :-) <BR> <BR> That's... Sun, 31 May 2015 22:16:17 EST Day 79 It's so good to be writing here every day (almost), because I can REALLY see a correlation between my mood/the storms swirling around me and my eating. Direct cause and effect. Amazing. Duh. And knowing is supposedly half the battle, right? Hmmmm. Yesterday and today my eating has been all over the place, with lots of cravings for "bad for me" foods - trigger foods. There is also a correlation between sleep deprivation (which comes with the aforementioned stormy weather) and my eating.... Sun, 31 May 2015 00:13:42 EST Day 78 My mother has been released from the hospital already. She is so lucky - she has not had any lasting neurological damage from this TIA. I hate to say it, but I hope she was scared ENOUGH by this to know that she should not be messing with her meds again. My fear is that she will now think, "Stroke? I had a stroke. It wasn't that bad." <BR> <BR> The latest is that they found some arrythmia when they did an EKG, and her cardiologist wants to see her right away on Monday. I don't know w... Fri, 29 May 2015 23:34:08 EST Day 77 My mother is back in the hospital. She had a stroke. They think it was a TIA, and that she was very lucky and will not have any major lasting effects. I asked how she could possibly have had a stroke when she is on blood thinners, and it turns out she adjusted her own meds without consulting a physician. My brother in law was the one who met her at the ER, and he called me late tonight on his way home. He is concerned that she should not be living alone anymore, and that the three of her... Fri, 29 May 2015 01:28:25 EST Day 76 <img src=""> <BR> Thought I had better write early because I am falling asleep already and it's only 7PM! I've been back for two days now, done not much more than work, and I've already lost all the refreshed and relaxed feeling I had while I was on my mini vacation. Ah well, all the more reason to do it more often, I guess! Thought I would post another photo here to remind myself how great it was. This photo w... Wed, 27 May 2015 22:07:06 EST Day 75 <img src=""> <BR> I'm home again. Just two days out of town, but it felt like much longer - in a very good way. I don't remember the last time I left town without it being for work, obligation, or to take care of someone who was sick. What a joy to do things because my heart wanted to do them! In two days, I hiked 7.25 hours, 11.25 miles (with 2069 feet in elevation change)!! All in full desert sun in 85-90 de... Wed, 27 May 2015 01:22:16 EST Day 70 Wonderful reflection, dear Bine, thank you for the reality check. That reminder about the "other side" of the itchy impulse was just what I needed. Now I just need to revisit that uncomfortable space within that holds the potential answer to the question, "What do I want to do?" I agree that my true desire - to be a stay-at-home-mom - came with a boatload of guilt, along with all its impossibilities and complicated emotions. And I hope, very deeply, that I find other things that will fulf... Fri, 22 May 2015 00:37:23 EST Day 69 Maybe this stressful, uncomfortable, anxious, on-the-edge feeling I've been having is restlessness. Maybe it is time for change. Then again, in meditation and mindfulness practice, I teach that we are all in a state of constant "dis-ease," in the sense that humans in general are always feeling like they have to change something. They have to move their body, scratch the itch, or DO SOMETHING. But as Jon Kabat-Zinn says, we are human BEINGS, not human DOINGS. My habit that I have been try... Thu, 21 May 2015 00:57:13 EST Day 68 Cursory check in before collapsing into bed after my loooooong teaching day. Today was exhausting, but rewarding in the teaching department. All of my classes actually went well and everyone seemed like they learned something. A stressful day for me with the lessons I was teaching, but rewarding, for sure. Now off to bed. More tomorrow. Wed, 20 May 2015 00:52:57 EST Day 67 Calcium, potassium...very good questions! Maybe these things are a potential cause I should look at. I take supplements every day, but you never know. <BR> <BR> My arrhythmias and subsequent surgeries are all a result of the open heart surgery I had in 1995. THAT surgery was meant to close the quarter-sized hole I was born with in my heart. But it's the scar tissue from that surgery that causes the electrical circuitry to go haywire. It wasn't supposed to start happening until much la... Tue, 19 May 2015 00:10:30 EST Day 65 I feel so surrounded by uncertainty. Like everything and everyone around me is so fragile. So many people are sick, or hospitalized, or waiting for news - my mother, my two dearest friends, my sister-in-law, my coworker... I came home from teaching today to find my cat covered in his own diarrhea and crying. Break out the bleach and paper towels! And a cat bath - big fun on a Saturday night. The poor guy - he is just feeling terrible and I can't do much but clean him up and comfort him.... Sun, 17 May 2015 00:35:41 EST Day 64 I don't have anything to say today. Nothing new. I still seem to be caught in some sort of depression that I don't really understand. But I wanted to write to say how much I appreciate the wisdom you both shared in your replies to my blog entry yesterday. You are both so wise, brilliant and kind - a truly unique combination. I am very grateful to have your points of view from the outside looking in. You help me so much every day. I wish there were some way I could repay you. <BR> Good ... Sat, 16 May 2015 00:27:05 EST Day 63 I feel like the days are speeding up. Every day is so crazy, jam-packed with a long to-do list that never seems to get done. And I know this is not the way I want to look back on having spent my life. I feel like I am having no impact on anything or anyone. Like I could disappear tomorrow and, while there are people who would notice, I could be replaced in all of my "roles" by someone else rather quickly. Maybe that's the lesson I am supposed to learn, somehow. It's not what I do that m... Thu, 14 May 2015 23:36:40 EST Day 62 I don't think I have posted here yet that my friend and coworker has brain cancer. This was a big surprise to us all (is it ever not?), though in retrospect, it explains many of the symptoms he has been experiencing for the past two years. He lost his ability to speak and walk at work last week, and was rushed to the hospital. There were many fortuitous elements of the whole series of events - that he was at work when it happened (he lives alone), that his other coworker realized he had be... Wed, 13 May 2015 21:38:41 EST Day 61 Whoops, skipped a day again. It's uncanny how I magically "forget" to blog after a particularly difficult day. You'd think that would be the perfect time for me to actually sit down and write, to process my feelings. Clearly I am in avoidance mode. <BR> <BR> I'm too tired to write more today, but like my meditation practice, where I believe that coming to the cushion is the most difficult part of the process, I think logging on daily is the most challenging yet most crucial part of my...w... Wed, 13 May 2015 00:25:41 EST Day 59 On this Mother's Day, I celebrate all of the women who have (and do) play nurturing roles in my life - including you, Bev and Sabine. But I have also been struggling all day with a DEEP ache in my heart for the loss of my stepdaughter and my "mother" status, and the fact that I have not been able to have a child of my own (by birth or otherwise). I could have just sat and mourned this all day, feeling sorry for myself very easily. I felt an urge to drown my sorrow and try to fill this huge... Sun, 10 May 2015 20:34:58 EST Day 58 Too tired to write much, but I wanted to check in at least a little. Today was a long, difficult day. Teaching all day in a non-temperature-regulated metals studio with all five torches going for seven hours - I was completely wiped out even before I went to see my ex and my stepdaughter for her birthday. I just got home from spending the evening with them. As always, it was really great, and made me really sad. I really do try to come at it from a place of gratitude for still being able... Sun, 10 May 2015 02:11:29 EST Day 57 Back on the wagon, at least for one day! It helped that my boss decided to go to Vegas at the last minute and I was able to work from home (on my own schedule) today. I got up and went to the gym, where I spent 40 minutes on the recumbent bike, mostly gasping for air. It's amazing how far two weeks without exercise has set me back (I'm sure all the hacking up a lung also didn't help). Then I spent the rest of the day working, and even got a little housecleaning in. All that, and I ate re... Fri, 8 May 2015 23:29:12 EST Day 56 Slowly dragging myself back on the wagon after being dragged behind it for a while. Thanks for lending me a hand, gals. Your warmth is so great for me to focus on. And on that note, I am going to focus more on YOU again! Here are some more questions when you have a moment. As you can see, it's all about favorites tonight... <BR> <BR> Do you have a favorite movie? <BR> I have a few, including The Adventures of Baron Munchausen, Amelie, The Fisher King and Stranger Than Fiction. And li... Thu, 7 May 2015 23:41:22 EST Day 55 Yup, I'm still here. It's been a rough couple of days, and I can't exactly put my finger on why. Nothing new has happened. I need to sit with my emotions and figure out what is going on. My poor eating and lack of exercise is probably creating a bit of an endless cycle for me - making me feel worse, which makes me eat more/make bad food choices. I know I need to get back on the wagon, but am not sure how. But I am still here. That's about all I have to say today. Thu, 7 May 2015 00:02:31 EST Day 52 Check in for the day: <BR> Saw my ex and my stepdaughter this morning for the first time in over a month. That is the longest we have gone since they moved out. I was really missing them, and I could tell she missed me, too, because she got so moody when I had to leave after a few hours. It was good to see them, but every time I do, my heart gets ripped right back open. Then I am left alone licking my wounds... <BR> <BR> I made dinner for my brother and sister-in-law-to-be today. She is... Mon, 4 May 2015 01:13:02 EST Day 51 Just a short one today to express my gratitude. Thank you for being kinder to me than I am to myself. Thank you for giving me perspective. Thank you for remaining hopeful when I am not. Thank you for showing up, and for reaching out. Thank you for the cheers, the sharing and the smiles. I am so grateful to you both, dear friends. Don't know what I would do without you. Sun, 3 May 2015 00:53:43 EST Day 50 Damn. Well, I guess I now know another thing about myself: When I spin out and eat like a crazy person, I conveniently "forget" to blog that day. Again, I was in bed before I remembered that I needed to do it today. <BR> <BR> I don't know what's going on with me. I mean, I know that there are a lot of things going on, but I am not sure which thing, exactly, is making me eat emotionally. Maybe it's just the whole combination, and I feel out of control. I'm still logging all my food and ... Sat, 2 May 2015 01:19:17 EST