MELLYBEANS0919's SparkPeople Blog MELLYBEANS0919's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Depression & Anxiety Plan My appointment with the psych doctor went well and we came away with this plan. <BR> <BR> 30 mins of exercise daily <BR> Light box therapy daily <BR> Take Vitamin D <BR> Take Celexa & Lamotrigene <BR> <BR> I am nervous as hell to take the two drugs. I've had bad reactions in the past to an antidepressants, but this time I am on a mood stablizer (Lamotrigene) to go with Celexa so that should help things. Had a bit of a rash with Lamotrigene last winter, had to stop the pill, but he thought ... Fri, 18 Sep 2015 14:20:01 EST Fun Quiz Haven't done one of these in a while. From my friend's blog. <BR> <BR> <BR> Copy and Paste into your own blog, change the answers to suit you. <BR> <BR> <BR> Where is your cell phone? In my purse. I rarely use it, but it's nice to have just in case. <BR> <BR> Spouse? Married 7.5 yrs. <BR> <BR> Your hair? Brown. <BR> <BR> Your mother? A very caring, giving woman. I love her! <BR> <BR> Your father? Also, a very caring, understanding man. I love him! <BR> <BR> Your favorite thing? Books... Mon, 7 Sep 2015 11:54:52 EST Meatless Mondays? (Transitioning to Vegetarnism) I have thought of going vegetarian or vegan since last Summer. After educating myself for over a whole year, I am pretty sure I am going to begin to transition to vegetarianism. I don't eat a lot of meat to begin with, my main choice being chicken and occasional fish. I don't like pork or bacon and rarely eat beef except the occasional hamburger. <BR> <BR> I am going to be wise on transitioning, learning to do it the healthy way, not just eat "junk" and begin to incorporate more fruit and v... Thu, 3 Sep 2015 16:27:04 EST I Need Routine (Goals for the rest of this year) I am realizing I can mindlessly waste my day away on the computer or watching Netflix or having a nap. <BR> <BR> I have now set up goals for the rest of this year. <BR> <BR> 1. Yoga daily - no time limit, just get on the mat. Don't beat myself up if I miss a day or more, just get back on it the next day. <BR> 2. Try 1 new recipe a week. <BR> 3. Start up a new blog and post 1x a week. <BR> 4. Go for a 20 min (or more) daily walk (weather permitting) <BR> <BR> I already did my yoga for the d... Tue, 18 Aug 2015 13:41:33 EST 10 Pounds Since 2009 I have been trying to be smaller. Lose that weight. Lose the "love handles." Tone up. Tighten up. All that lingo. <BR> <BR> I was weighed at the doctors office on Tuesday. I am the highest weight I have been....and I am happy! I love my current body! I have curves! 137.8 pounds of AWESOME!!! <BR> <BR> I decided to check out my weight report on Spark and since joining in 2009 I have gained/lost a fluctuation of TEN MEASLY POUNDS! That is what I have been trying so desperately to ... Thu, 13 Aug 2015 13:56:59 EST Loving Me <img src=""> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> These are all very recent pictures of me. I am learning to love all the angles, all of me, not just pieces. I have been really appreciating what my body can do. <BR> <BR> I am 4'11, approx 140lbs of ... Sat, 8 Aug 2015 14:54:27 EST First Time! I was soooo nervous, but the yoga class was WONDERFUL! I was probably the most beginner of the bunch, but there were props to use and I listened to my body. I felt really connected to myself. As inflexible as I am, I was surprised how easily I moved into certain poses. I haven't done yoga for almost a year, I only started last Summer and did a few months consistently before I fell out of practice. <BR> <BR> I have a 2 week free trail so I am going back Friday for Power Sculpt which is weight... Wed, 29 Jul 2015 17:10:29 EST A Positive To Today.... I did a lot of research into what gyms nearby are best and I found out one downtown has a TON of fun classes. I am beyond excited. Zumba, PiYo, Tabata, Yoga, and so much more! Also they have a pool (where you can take fitness classes like zuma aqua!!! OMG!) and a weight/cardio room with treadmill, weights, elliptical, row machine. <BR> <BR> I AM SO EXCITED! <BR> <BR> I am going to go this week, at least once, maybe twice if I am feeling like it. I think I'll try the cardio/weight room fir... Sat, 25 Jul 2015 18:41:05 EST Learning To Feel Hunger It's a gentle gnawing at first and if left alone it can turn into a wild roar that causes me to feel light headed, shaky and willing to eat anything put in front of me. <BR> <BR> I do not like feeling hungry. It leaves me feeling out of control. <BR> <BR> I need to learn to be comfortable with this feeling, to embrace it and honor it. <BR> <BR> I want to listen to my body, honor it's wants and needs. To ask myself am I hungry? Or is there more to this? Am I wanting something else beside ... Thu, 23 Jul 2015 11:22:44 EST I Eat Because.... I am happy. <BR> I deserve a reward. <BR> I am sad. <BR> I am lonely. <BR> I am bored. <BR> I am angry. <BR> I am stressed. <BR> I am tired. <BR> I am anxious. <BR> I am depressed. <BR> The food is just there. <BR> The food smells great. <BR> The food looks great. <BR> I may never eat this food again. <BR> It's my favorite food. <BR> It's my mom's cooking. <BR> It's on sale. <BR> Others are eating. <BR> <BR> Learning to cope without food as your baseline is tough. Food is there to fuel your ... Wed, 22 Jul 2015 20:31:45 EST Self Care I love to relax. Naps, baths, watching telly, reading a book, etc. It comes easy to me. Pushing myself to DO things instead of being passive is harder. It is ridiculously easy for me to hole up at home, even when the weather is glorious out like today. I can become almost hermit like when I am left alone for hours on end every day, every week, every month while husband works full time. I don't see anything wrong with solitude and rest, it's often really necessary, but so is the other side: in... Mon, 20 Jul 2015 16:52:04 EST Making Fitness FUN I will do something, like yoga or walking or weights, for a brief period and give up after a while. I am noticing that I like variety. It is perfectly fine to do try new things, as long as I am consistent in being active in general. Yesterday I did weights while watching t.v. It was so easy. I am planning on Sunday to go for a walk along a bike/walking trail near my house. I also want to go to the park and try going up and down the steep hill a few times. I am going to look into making exerci... Fri, 17 Jul 2015 15:45:34 EST The Positive Side After much reflecting I am seeing the GOOD in my job situation. It is giving me time to heal, to relax, and to still keep my job. I may not be getting the hours I wanted, but for now, this is the best situation. <BR> <BR> I am FINALLY back to feeling like my regular self stomach wise. I have no idea what that was all about, but grateful it seems to have passed. I am still keeping a diary of the foods I eat. I noticed the other day that when I was very emotional my stomach acted up more. Hmm... Mon, 13 Jul 2015 14:24:10 EST Blah. I am still sick a whole week after the ER trip. I am going back to the medi-clinic tomorrow. Work has been very stressful, things were not good before, but now with missing work I am being demoted to 'on call' instead of having regular shifts a week. I understand it's difficult to schedule me, I get that it's business and not personal, and that in the end maybe being on call is better right now, but it still hurts and is frustrating. <BR> <BR> I got in one small walk the other day. Otherwise... Thu, 2 Jul 2015 23:30:20 EST 9.5 Hrs That is the time I spent in the ER today. Woke up with the most horrible pain I have ever felt on the left side of my stomach. I imagine that is what it feels like to be shot. Husband drove me in and I was run through tests, given pain meds, tried to get some shut eye and finally was released around noon. <BR> It was suspected that kidney stones were to blame, but the conclusion was backed up stool! <BR> I have stomach issues, I have had that once said to me before, but DAMN! Ridiculous! <... Wed, 24 Jun 2015 15:22:59 EST I Did Not Eat! Therapist forgot about my appointment. I was full of disappointment, anger & annoyance. I went for a walk. Yes, you read that right. I went for a brisk walk and it felt so good! <BR> I came home, watched Youtube videos online & my therapist called back to apologize a bunch & reschedule for Friday. <BR> I am SO PROUD. Self care in the work! <BR> xxx <BR> Tue, 16 Jun 2015 19:39:02 EST I Like To Walk A few days ago I had a meltdown. I am feeling a bit better now. Yesterday I went to the Pride festival and I walked. A LOT. All over. It was wonderful. It didn't feel like a chore, I enjoyed it and I realized the exercise I love to do is walking! It's so easy and is free! <BR> <BR> I am going to focus on that for exercise. That's it. I will find indoor exercises (hello Youtube) when winter (ugh the W word) shows up down the road. <BR> <BR> I am back to work after a good month off, feeling ... Sun, 14 Jun 2015 12:02:04 EST How? Today I didn't eat a single fruit or veggie. I ate a lot of junk food and I feel yucky and guilty. The guilt is what is bothering me. I want to get past feeling this way with food. I want a healthy and happy relationship with food, exercise and my body. <BR> <BR> I don't know how to do this. I think I'm there and then I am set back. <BR> <BR> I want to get into an exercise routine without feeling like it's punishment, a "should", something to make myself look a certain way. <BR> <BR> I fee... Thu, 11 Jun 2015 23:05:28 EST Them shorts! <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Yesterday I scoured the racks at a store trying to find any shorts that would fit. Finally stumbled upon stretchy yoga shorts in a large. Tried them on and they were too snug. Feeling defeated I returned to the rack to put them back only to find they had extra large. I debated with myself for a few seconds. Did I want to wear clothes that didn't fit me but were a size smaller, or did I want ... Tue, 9 Jun 2015 18:44:59 EST Stress I am holding a lot of stress in my body. I can feel it. Today my friend even commented that I looked frazzled. I am. I have a lot on my mind, it feels like the 'to do' list is never done, worried about work & my husbands work and I am already panicking over Summer zooming by too fast and worrying about if my depression and anxiety will rear their ugly head in Fall. <BR> <BR> Deep breath. <BR> Deep breath. <BR> Deep breath. <BR> <BR> xxxx Sat, 6 Jun 2015 16:08:05 EST Inbetween I am at a loss as to what to wear for Summer. I desperately need shorts & dresses. I tried on a bunch today at the mall and nothing fit. I am between sizes! One was way too big, hanging off me and the other was a bit too snug that if it were to shrink in the wash I'd have to donate it. Geez. <em>198</em> What's a girl to do? <BR> <BR> I am LOVING this weather today and being able to enjoy it because I feel like myself again. A bit of a runny nose, a tiny cough, but that's something I can ... Mon, 1 Jun 2015 15:59:36 EST Health is SO important I am reminded of that strongly this week. This morning I went to the ER as I was (and still am) having issues breathing at times. I was officially diagnosed with bronchitis. I had a gut feeling it was so much more than the walk in doctor said. I went through this exact thing last year around this time. <BR> <BR> Without your health you cannot do anything. Literally. I am at the mercy of this illness right now. Even showering is exhausting. I can't even think about doing household chores lik... Mon, 25 May 2015 00:50:07 EST IBS? I have been dealing with stomach issues since 2008. I was sick every single day for months. I missed out on life so much: work, time with family and friends, etc. I got countless tests done, was given so many different types of medication to try out, yet nobody questioned my diet. In 2009 I read about lactose intolerance and self diagnosed myself. I was so fed up with feeling that way, the symptoms sounded familiar and once I stopped dairy for a week or two I felt a bit better. I went back to... Tue, 19 May 2015 12:12:03 EST Anxious Eating Today I got in a ton of walking - to the mall, to the bookstore, and inbetween. It felt great to move. I fuelled my body with yummy food. I am noticing a pattern: if I am anxious and procrastinating about doing it I will turn to food as a way to fill time and put it off further. Light bulb moment! <em>3</em> I am feeling antsy. My husband will be home in an hour. There is a pile of dishes to do. I am also feeling rather sleepy, so I want to have a nap, but the previous lines suggest I do n... Sun, 10 May 2015 19:24:30 EST Getting settled It has been only a few days of being in the new place. It will take adjusting to, but once everything is unpacked, we buy some furniture we need, I think it wlll begin to feel more like home. We are dealing with some landlord issues (old place) and I need to call the internet company again to fix our internet connection. Despite having all this to deal with, I have been getting in a lot of walking, eating pretty well, drinking water & getting enough rest. <BR> <BR> I am back at work today,... Tue, 5 May 2015 13:01:26 EST Today This is me today after a long walk in the beautiful sun. Feeling too warm so I took off my top and snapped a pic. What a difference a week makes. I am feeling confident and happy. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I am relishing in my habit changes and how they are becoming easier to choose. I am trying to eat a big salad for lunch or supper and still focusing on walking as much as I can. I feel great. Lots of energy! <BR> <BR> I am ... Tue, 28 Apr 2015 15:53:29 EST Feeling Fat Since my weigh in yesterday at the OBGYN I have felt uncomfortable with the number. Sure it's only 1.2 lbs since my last weigh in at the doctor 8 months ago, but it also was higher than I expected. I had hopes it would be less since I have been actively exercising for 10 weeks, eating healthier and feeling more confident in my body. I felt "fat" and unhappy. <BR> <BR> This morning I put on one of my favorite outfits and felt super cute. I decided that that the number on the scale meant jack.... Tue, 21 Apr 2015 18:20:40 EST Just Say No Did a lot of research into IIFYM and have decided to say no to this diet. I can see how it would become obsessive for somebody like me. Trying to be "perfect" and get it "right." I think it could work for some, just not me. <BR> <BR> I am going to continue to focus on healthy habits: <BR> -more veggies/fruit <BR> - more protein <BR> - water <BR> - walking 5x a week <BR> <BR> I don't want to lose my sanity. <BR> <BR> <em>334</em> Sun, 19 Apr 2015 14:52:40 EST IIFYM? Read up on If It Fits Your Macros which basically is a way to get in nutrients, track macros (duh!) and calories. I am wondering if anyone's dabbled with this before? Is it very restrictive? Did you feel deprived? I am considering trying this as I have a hard time getting in protein/fat and always are high up carbs. I try to add in foods like Greek yogurt, eggs, chicken, salad dressing, etc. but it is not enough to make a difference. <BR> <BR> I know eating more protein/fat would help me fee... Sun, 19 Apr 2015 00:20:58 EST ALL the food! I have been eating my feelings today. I haven't done that in forever. I feel stressed, lonely & bored. I am overwhelmed by life. I am wanting things I do not have, not sure where to go to get them and wanting to find more balance and joy. <BR> <BR> I went for a walk, had a nap, did a few small chores to feel a bit productive. It didn't help. I have 2 hours till my husband is home and all I want to do is stuff more food into my already overly full belly, curl up in a ball and cry. <BR> <BR> ... Mon, 13 Apr 2015 19:17:25 EST Twisted Thoughts <img src=""> <BR> <BR> This photo was taken yesterday. I felt cute. A few minutes later, I was in the change room trying on clothing - nothing fit! I picked apart everything on my body, telling myself all the small changes I am making aren't doing anything. I know that is all a bunch of lies, yet today I am still feeling the same way. I feel like I could burst into tears. I am trying to remind myself that my body is amazing, it does s... Sun, 12 Apr 2015 12:48:06 EST Starting week 9 <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I love the above poster. Best 21 day challenge I have seen! <BR> <BR> Today is the start of 9 weeks of exercise! Woohoo! Being more fit helped this morning when I had to run up the stairs to grab my cat! <em>312</em> <em>246</em> I am enjoying walking, I am aiming for a 20 min walk 5 days a week. <BR> <BR> Yesterday we went for lunch, ate delicious Mexican food and I saved 3/4 of my sweet potato fries & ... Mon, 6 Apr 2015 12:00:04 EST Simplify <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I am learning that being healthy can mean taking the smallest steps and that they count as much as the big ones. I love to walk, so yesterday I walked around downtown, also got off a few stops before my regular bus route to get in more steps. Today I bundled up against the chilly wind and got in a 25 min brisk stroll. I feel invigorated! I bought premade healthy foods at the store yesterday which make things a lot ... Wed, 1 Apr 2015 15:34:24 EST 7 Weeks Tomorrow is the start of SEVEN WEEKS OF CONSISTENT EXERCISE!! I needed to post that because I am DAMN proud! <BR> <BR> <img src=""> Sat, 21 Mar 2015 00:00:47 EST Slow and Steady It finally has clicked with me that going slow is okay! It's better do that then not move at all. There is no deadline. I want to be healthy and fit for life! I am enjoying challenging myself, trying new workout videos and moves, seeing what I can do, dreaming of what I could do. <BR> <BR> Today I got to 2 mins and 37 seconds of this video. It's been going around for a while. I've watched it countless times, always in awe and finally decided to try it for myself. Tough, but fun! Plus I just... Sat, 14 Mar 2015 15:49:55 EST Body Talk Two days ago I did a workout where I did push ups & weights. My arms are STILL sore. <em>104</em> Hehe! I am going to listen to my body and go for a walk for my exercise instead of my planned one. I am learning to listen to my body. <BR> <BR> I also noticed today is week SIX of consistent exercise!! A big mile stone as I often fizzle out after about 2-3 weeks. Not this time! I am focused on what my body can do, learning to listen to it (as the above shows!) and enjoying my workouts! Wha... Fri, 13 Mar 2015 11:26:15 EST Looking Up It turns out there was a big misunderstanding between the landlord and us. We were under the assumption we would lose the stove and top cupboards before we moved out - that is not the case. The renos will take place after we have moved. Also, I don't think the stove is a fire hazard afterall, it seems that my landlord said that to have a reason for removing it, but the inspector was in yesterday and said nothing about that. If it were, it would be removed promptly, while we are still here. I ... Wed, 11 Mar 2015 11:23:04 EST Psychiatrist Appointment & Housing stuff Things went rather well. <em>334</em> He offered other medication choices, answered all my questions & in the end it was my decision on what to do and we decided, and he agreed, that for now I won't go on meds. I am in a good place for the most part and it is only around Fall/Winter things go haywire. I am going back to see him in September. <BR> <BR> As for the housing stuff we have a lot of unanswered questions. We do have a slow cooker, I actually thought of that myself today, hopefull... Mon, 9 Mar 2015 14:17:55 EST In The Blink Of An Eye... Life changes. <BR> <BR> We were informed today that we either have to move or find someone to rent the upstairs suite to share the rent with as it is illegal and it will become one place instead of two. We live in the basement and have been here 4 years. We love everything about this place, the neighborhood, it's close to work for us both, etc. If we find someone to share the upstairs with, we will be losing our stove as it's a fire hazard and we'd have to bug the people upstairs all the ti... Sun, 8 Mar 2015 21:43:48 EST Data Been tracking my food nearly two weeks! A record! A few things I've noticed: <BR> <BR> 1. I don't eat nearly enough protein & fat. <BR> 2. I need to up my veggie and fruit intake a lot. <BR> 3. I am either around 70-80% my calorie range or I am over it by a little bit (like 103%) <BR> <BR> I am feeling happy that I am not judgemental of it, it's just a tool to learn. <BR> <BR> Off to bed, <BR> xxx Wed, 4 Mar 2015 23:26:35 EST Sick. I wanted to apologize for not being around lately. I was put back on medication for anxiety/depression which has left me very sick, today is day five. Thankfully better then the last few days, I am fairly confident I will be able to work tonight and the next few shifts without issues. I am off the meds now because of what happened and am going to have a chat with my psychiatrist Mon. He wants me on Lithium, I don't want to go that route, so we'll see how things go. <BR> <BR> The weather has ... Tue, 3 Mar 2015 15:42:15 EST Love Thyself <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Feeling sassy yesterday: <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Feeling the love and happiness from myself. Celebrating finding joy in movement. <BR> <BR> xxx Sat, 21 Feb 2015 12:41:13 EST Walking Therapy My head has been in a bad place today. I have felt overwhelmed, stuck, upset and self loathing. Exercising didn't help, in fact it made me think negative things about not working out enough. <BR> <BR> So I threw on my winter gear and walked with a purpose. <em>311</em> I went across to the park, did a large loop through the park, around the connecting streets, back through the park and home again. It was 30 mins of therapy where I talked things out, sometimes aloud to myself, sometimes q... Wed, 18 Feb 2015 17:15:00 EST $23 That is the amount of $$ I have earned by working out for two weeks. I hit my goal this week of working out 5 times! <em>244</em> I am going to get in some exercise tomorrow by walking to the mall and Sun I am going back to work which means walking there (20 min one way) and I am on my feet for 5 hours. <BR> <BR> Really proud of myself for sticking to a routine. Money is a great motivator! <em>246</em> Fri, 13 Feb 2015 13:05:33 EST Leaving A Piece Behind Having a gift card to a nice restaurant my husband and I decided to indulge by having dessert for supper. <em>246</em> Because we're adults and can so why not? <BR> <BR> Listening to my bodies hunger and fullness cues is getting easier. I ate 2/3 of the rich, delicious Reese Peantbutter Cup Tort and stopped leaving a few bites on the plate. Me, the girl who is a massive dessert lover, LEFT FOOD ON HER PLATE! <em>48</em> I am proud of myself! My husband on the other hand felt sick by fo... Wed, 11 Feb 2015 11:36:29 EST "0 Pounds Lost (Yet!)" That is what the weight tracker on the main page says every time I log into Spark. When I looked at my weight loss report my original goal was to be 115 lbs, from 135 lbs meaning a 20 lb weight loss. One that is not necessary, let alone healthy for me. I am guessing I picked 115 thinking of it as a midrange weight from where I used to weigh so much of life which was 90-100 lbs. <BR> <BR> Every single time I see those "0 Pounds Lost (Yet!)" statement it causes something in me to stir. I want... Tue, 10 Feb 2015 21:26:55 EST The L Word No, not love, lamotrigene. <em>246</em> <BR> <BR> After a 50 minute chat with my psychiatrist it was decided to go back on medication. Basically I am susceptible to depression and taking medication should level things. I had a rash in November by trying to go back on, but unlike my doctor, he is starting with a lower dose and a 16 week schedule for upping the dose. It bothered me for a while to think I had to be on meds, but now I am seeing it as a part of self care. If it helps me keep... Mon, 9 Feb 2015 13:40:26 EST Let's Make it FUN!! I have decided that I am going to focus on doing workouts that are FUN and ENJOYABLE! I did another workout today where 20 mins flew by because I enjoyed dancing around to the beat. I looked up some workouts on Youtube (Blogilates, Sweaty Betty's, BeFit, etc) and I am excited to give them a go. <em>244</em> <BR> <BR> I am no longer going to focus on losing weight or toning up, it's about getting healthy which means movement 5 days a week for a min of 10 mins, more if possible. Being hea... Sat, 7 Feb 2015 14:26:10 EST Still There I have become aware today that I am still in that mindset of seeing food as good and bad. I had thought I had moved on to moderation and a healthy relationship with food. This is not the case. I am still seeing fruits and veggies as angels and sweets as the devil. <em>39</em> <BR> <BR> I sent an e-mail to my ED therapist, she is away till the 23rd, but once she is back hopefully I can see her soon. This is all very surprising to me and I am having a hard time sorting things out. <BR> <B... Fri, 6 Feb 2015 12:24:48 EST CARADAWN's awesome idea & weight lifting question My good friend Caradawn posted a blog about earning $$ for eating healthy. With her permission I am taking her idea and using it to motivate myself to exercise. I will be giving myself $2 for every time I workout. So I already have $2 for my workout yesterday! <em>48</em> My goal is 5x a week to move in some fashion for at least 10 mins. <BR> <BR> I also have been wanting to lift weights, I only have dinky 5 lb dumbbells. I am not sure which is the way to go: buy heavier weights or try ... Thu, 5 Feb 2015 11:41:21 EST