MELLYBEANS0919's SparkPeople Blog MELLYBEANS0919's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Goodbye. Sparkpeople has been a staple in my life since 2009, nearly 10 full years. I have wondered if I should give up my account on and off before, always coming back because I miss everybody on here. You have been amazing friends! So encouraging! I finally have decided I need to step away for good. I am finding it is no longer serving a positive purpose for me. <BR> <BR> If you want to keep in touch please do! <BR> <BR> My e-mail: <BR> Instagram: mhoeker (I think I need to... Sun, 24 Sep 2017 11:07:11 EST My heart is happy. <img src=""> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> On Easter Sunday we adopted our new fur baby! Her name is Fig. She's a sweet, cuddly 2 year old who was a stray before being brought to the shelter. We are in love with her. <BR> <BR> Wed, 19 Apr 2017 16:33:37 EST IBS Answers <img src="">After nearly a full year of doing the Low FODMAP diet I have found out most of what triggers my stomach issues. It was a long, tedious, boring process, but well worth it! I still have a few more foods to test, but overall things are a lot better. <BR> <BR> One of my biggest triggers is not food related: stress! Surprise, right? I am trying to work in ways to reduce stress with self care. Baths, walks,... Sun, 9 Apr 2017 15:57:44 EST Breathing For The First Time What could be the worse that would happen, I ask myself over and over. They will reject you, is my inner response. I feel myself shudder. I know this too well. I have seen it happen. I have been told I am too quiet, too shy, too unpopular, too much, yet too little. I have been told that I am broken, that I am not worthy of being known for who I am. That I must hide that way, in case I offend, in case I bring something up in them that they cannot handle. That I need to keep, tucked away, the b... Wed, 4 Jan 2017 18:21:03 EST Moderation vs Deprivation It has taken me nearly 3 years to finally understand the difference. Moderation means doing things I don't maybe want to do, but I have my best interest at heart. Whereas deprivation leaves me wanting and feeling desperate. <BR> <BR> Moderation for me looks like this.. <BR> -having a set limit with how many sweets I will have in a day. I could have more, but I know a balanced diet is key. <BR> - drinking more water and less juice because it will help my kidney cyst not act up and it is r... Sun, 9 Oct 2016 12:34:46 EST Self Care Plan for Fall & Winter. Tis the season when my anxiety ramps up and depression can often be close behind. <BR> <BR> I am struggling, but doing my best to take care of myself. I saw my doctor about it last week, going back this coming week for a counselling session. <BR> <BR> I am going to use SparkPeople as a way to keep myself motivated and accountable to take care of myself. This includes.... <BR> <BR> 1. Sleep schedule. Getting up when as often as I can when husband does. No sleeping in till 10am. Going to b... Sun, 11 Sep 2016 13:53:39 EST A Wild Ride This journey of self love and acceptance has been a long one and I doubt it will ever be over. I am now trying to figure out where I stand with being smaller (I've lost weight on my medical diet) and figuring out how to find a good balance with food and exercise, to where I am feeling good in my choices, not depriving myself, but not overindulging either. I think I am doing pretty good so far, Summer allows lots of walking (and I love to walk!), but I know once Fall and Winter hit I want to b... Thu, 25 Aug 2016 14:43:14 EST Can you love your body & also be insecure at the same time? About a week ago a good friend of mine messaged me to ask if I would join her photography project about body positivity and love. I happily said YES!!! I have worked hard to embrace my whole self, body included. <BR> <BR> Yesterday I wanted to make cookies. So I bought a mix and today I put it altogether and when it was all mixed up I began to eat a bit, only a few spoonfuls, before I realized my intent was to binge. That is why I had bought the mix. To bury feelings of anxiety and fear. <BR... Sat, 6 Aug 2016 16:57:46 EST I lost weight....and I don't care. I never believed it would happen, that I would see the number on the scale and not feel a twinge of excitement. In all my dieting years, of hating myself and trying make myself smaller, I never lost this much weight. I would only go with a program for one or two weeks, three tops. I would feel deprived by eating "healthy" and binge to make up for it and the lack of calories overall I was getting. With exercise, it was also very finicky, I felt that I needed to either push myself to the extr... Wed, 29 Jun 2016 18:58:00 EST Keeping Busy? I am not a stranger to having lots of time alone to myself, but lately it is getting to me. I don't know what to do to fill my time. I have been spending WAY too much time online, to where it's feeling unhealthy and making me unhappy. I find I am happiest when I have things to do and I am creative, trying new things, being with people, etc. Of course, the last part is a challenge as my family is 5 hours away and my husband works full time and all my friends are busy with work/school/kids. <B... Mon, 27 Jun 2016 21:19:27 EST Love <BR> <BR> I have felt like I am underwater, struggling to breathe since I heard of the shooting in Orlando. A mass of emotions flows inside of me, I feel depressed, sad, and angry. I didn’t know how to cope with it yesterday beside eating and lazing around the house. I had no energy to do more. Today it is nearly 2:30pm and I am still in my pjs, as yesterday, and have felt close to tears multiple times. I want to believe that humans are truly good, that inside of us there is a little kindne... Tue, 14 Jun 2016 21:15:54 EST The Difference For too long I thought I was a failure. I couldn't stick with a diet plan. I lasted maybe two weeks at exercising before I fizzled out. I loathed the idea of eating fruits and veggies, forced myself to drink water even when I wasn't thirsty in order to make my goal of 8 glasses a day. You see, I hated myself. I punished myself with food and exercise. I actually exercised until I ended up on crutches, ignoring my foot screaming out in pain to STOP the madness. I thought I had to count every c... Wed, 25 May 2016 20:18:36 EST Update! My last status was posted 50 days ago! How time flies! <BR> <BR> My stomach issues now officially have a diagnosis: irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) which makes my life a lot better. I feel as if a weight has been lifted. Since last Summer my stomach issues got 100x worse and lead to me quitting my job last month. Thankfully since quitting, I have only had a handful of times where I have felt awful. Obviously stress plays a big part in it, so I need to work out how to handle that better. Als... Wed, 4 May 2016 17:12:07 EST Leaving. I honestly thought I could have SparkPeople just solely be a place of social interaction, to keep in touch with all of you lovely people I have gotten to know over the years. I am finding I am not able, no matter how little I go on here now, to separate myself from the talk of new diets, exercise regimes, weigh ins, calories, and wanting to get 'back on the wagon.' Truth is I am moving in a whole other direction with my life and how I want to view my body, food and exercise. <BR> <BR> I fi... Tue, 12 Jan 2016 15:13:08 EST 2016 Goals. I have two goals. I don't want to start New Years resolutions because those never end well for me. Plus, they always had to do with diets and starting some new intense exercise regime that always had me feeling horrible weeks later. <em>40</em> <BR> <BR> Instead my goals are relatively simple. <BR> 1. Be kind to myself. <BR> This means getting enough sleep yet not wasting my day away napping because I want to escape from reality, eating all the food I enjoy, but not overdoing it; moving m... Fri, 8 Jan 2016 19:12:25 EST Till Next Year I am deciding to take a mini break for the month of December. I am finding certain things to be triggering and I am really trying to get back to a healthy, happy and balanced me. I know that the holidays can be stressful so I am going to step back from social media and just take time for myself. <BR> I will miss you! I hope you have a great Christmas! I am grateful for all of you. <BR> I started to write again on my blog, so if you're curious you can read it here: <BR> <BR> https://chaseou... Tue, 1 Dec 2015 14:40:17 EST Answers. I got the results back from my CT scan. Thankfully no cancer, Chrons or Colitis. I have small kidney stones, but nothing to be worried about or that is actually causing any current symptoms. He suggested it may be something like IBS, related to diet or stress. <BR> <BR> I am going for blood work & another test in January. That seems far off, but I am thankful for the answers I did get and I am hoping out hope. <BR> <BR> Fri, 20 Nov 2015 17:12:16 EST Habits. Today I turned down buying a book, chocolates and candy, a magazine and clothes. It dawned on me today a lot of my spending is out of pure habit. It's as if I am on autopilot. These are all things I often indulge in some degree, if not weekly, then bi-weekly. That adds up to a lot of money on things I don't need, they are only wants, luxuries. <BR> <BR> I am going to try to be more conscientious of what I spend my money on. I watched a documentary on Netflix yesterday where people live in w... Tue, 10 Nov 2015 14:04:35 EST Self Care and Self Love I watched a great video on Youtube stating that exercise and taking care of yourself as a whole is self care. It hit home. I have believed for a long time that I am not enough as I am. I am tired of holding onto this belief, it has held me back from doing so much in my life. I am ENOUGH and I am worthy as I am right now. And so are you! <BR> <BR> Today I danced in my room, enjoying the beat and the way my body moved to it. I felt beautiful. I felt so good I took a few snap shots. <BR> <img ... Mon, 9 Nov 2015 18:54:54 EST Mystery I have had stomach issues since 2008. When it started I was sick nearly every single day. Finally, after doing my own research, I came up with a diagnosis: lactose intolerance. I began taking dairy enzymes and they helped for a long time. I was still uncomfortable at times, not regular (TMI), but I wasn't doubled over in pain. My last doctor did nothing put push pills. <BR> My current doctor wasn't that helpful either. She only suggested I boil milk. <BR> Fast forward to about 2 years ago. ... Mon, 2 Nov 2015 16:12:56 EST No Facebook, Know Life? I decided to abandon Facebook for a week. This may seem like a petty challenge, or not even like a challenge at all. But when you're on it as much as I am, it's a big freaking deal. Talk about addicted! <BR> <BR> Today is day 1. How am I coping? I miss it. I am finding I am going on other sites more, in hopes of something interesting happening and taking up my time. It's lame. <BR> <BR> I am doing my best to keep busy. I cleaned out my belongings, something I've been meaning to do for a w... Mon, 2 Nov 2015 13:23:10 EST Simplify My brain tends me overcomplicate everything so I am doing my best to make things a lot easier. <BR> Today I am exhausted. I got my normal amount of sleep, I should feel fine, but I am not. I could stay in bed all day. A sign my depression is taking hold. I am combating that today by doing my light therapy and in a few hours I will be going to the gym for yoga (which I love) and going on the treadmill. I am really looking forward to it. I have been thinking of how to keep moving during winter,... Mon, 26 Oct 2015 11:26:01 EST Standstill Began one of the meds a few days ago, began developing a light rash which I know means to stop, so I got in touch with my psych doc and now I am off that med and cannot begin the second one without the first so I am at a standstill again. <BR> <BR> Very frustrating. I was really hoping to have things in order before fall turns into winter, the days become shorter and I begin to feel melancholy. I am waiting now on a phone call to make an appointment to see him. <BR> <BR> I was doing really ... Wed, 21 Oct 2015 13:07:27 EST Moving Forward My vacation to the U.S.A. was as good as I thought it would be. Lots of time with family and friends, tons of walking, delicious food, got to see parts of States I hadn't been too before, ride the metro for the first time, visited two zoos, see the White House and Washington Monument, the Holocaust was fantastic. <BR> <BR> I didn't have any hang ups over food or my body, in fact I only thought of my body when I was tired from walking so much and struggled to keep up on a hike,... Fri, 16 Oct 2015 20:27:31 EST Depression & Anxiety Plan My appointment with the psych doctor went well and we came away with this plan. <BR> <BR> 30 mins of exercise daily <BR> Light box therapy daily <BR> Take Vitamin D <BR> Take Celexa & Lamotrigene <BR> <BR> I am nervous as hell to take the two drugs. I've had bad reactions in the past to an antidepressants, but this time I am on a mood stablizer (Lamotrigene) to go with Celexa so that should help things. Had a bit of a rash with Lamotrigene last winter, had to stop the pill, but he thought ... Fri, 18 Sep 2015 14:20:01 EST Fun Quiz Haven't done one of these in a while. From my friend's blog. <BR> <BR> <BR> Copy and Paste into your own blog, change the answers to suit you. <BR> <BR> <BR> Where is your cell phone? In my purse. I rarely use it, but it's nice to have just in case. <BR> <BR> Spouse? Married 7.5 yrs. <BR> <BR> Your hair? Brown. <BR> <BR> Your mother? A very caring, giving woman. I love her! <BR> <BR> Your father? Also, a very caring, understanding man. I love him! <BR> <BR> Your favorite thing? Books... Mon, 7 Sep 2015 11:54:52 EST Meatless Mondays? (Transitioning to Vegetarnism) I have thought of going vegetarian or vegan since last Summer. After educating myself for over a whole year, I am pretty sure I am going to begin to transition to vegetarianism. I don't eat a lot of meat to begin with, my main choice being chicken and occasional fish. I don't like pork or bacon and rarely eat beef except the occasional hamburger. <BR> <BR> I am going to be wise on transitioning, learning to do it the healthy way, not just eat "junk" and begin to incorporate more fruit and v... Thu, 3 Sep 2015 16:27:04 EST I Need Routine (Goals for the rest of this year) I am realizing I can mindlessly waste my day away on the computer or watching Netflix or having a nap. <BR> <BR> I have now set up goals for the rest of this year. <BR> <BR> 1. Yoga daily - no time limit, just get on the mat. Don't beat myself up if I miss a day or more, just get back on it the next day. <BR> 2. Try 1 new recipe a week. <BR> 3. Start up a new blog and post 1x a week. <BR> 4. Go for a 20 min (or more) daily walk (weather permitting) <BR> <BR> I already did my yoga for the d... Tue, 18 Aug 2015 13:41:33 EST 10 Pounds Since 2009 I have been trying to be smaller. Lose that weight. Lose the "love handles." Tone up. Tighten up. All that lingo. <BR> <BR> I was weighed at the doctors office on Tuesday. I am the highest weight I have been....and I am happy! I love my current body! I have curves! 137.8 pounds of AWESOME!!! <BR> <BR> I decided to check out my weight report on Spark and since joining in 2009 I have gained/lost a fluctuation of TEN MEASLY POUNDS! That is what I have been trying so desperately to ... Thu, 13 Aug 2015 13:56:59 EST Loving Me <img src=""> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> These are all very recent pictures of me. I am learning to love all the angles, all of me, not just pieces. I have been really appreciating what my body can do. <BR> <BR> I am 4'11, approx 140lbs of ... Sat, 8 Aug 2015 14:54:27 EST First Time! I was soooo nervous, but the yoga class was WONDERFUL! I was probably the most beginner of the bunch, but there were props to use and I listened to my body. I felt really connected to myself. As inflexible as I am, I was surprised how easily I moved into certain poses. I haven't done yoga for almost a year, I only started last Summer and did a few months consistently before I fell out of practice. <BR> <BR> I have a 2 week free trail so I am going back Friday for Power Sculpt which is weight... Wed, 29 Jul 2015 17:10:29 EST A Positive To Today.... I did a lot of research into what gyms nearby are best and I found out one downtown has a TON of fun classes. I am beyond excited. Zumba, PiYo, Tabata, Yoga, and so much more! Also they have a pool (where you can take fitness classes like zuma aqua!!! OMG!) and a weight/cardio room with treadmill, weights, elliptical, row machine. <BR> <BR> I AM SO EXCITED! <BR> <BR> I am going to go this week, at least once, maybe twice if I am feeling like it. I think I'll try the cardio/weight room fir... Sat, 25 Jul 2015 18:41:05 EST Learning To Feel Hunger It's a gentle gnawing at first and if left alone it can turn into a wild roar that causes me to feel light headed, shaky and willing to eat anything put in front of me. <BR> <BR> I do not like feeling hungry. It leaves me feeling out of control. <BR> <BR> I need to learn to be comfortable with this feeling, to embrace it and honor it. <BR> <BR> I want to listen to my body, honor it's wants and needs. To ask myself am I hungry? Or is there more to this? Am I wanting something else beside ... Thu, 23 Jul 2015 11:22:44 EST I Eat Because.... I am happy. <BR> I deserve a reward. <BR> I am sad. <BR> I am lonely. <BR> I am bored. <BR> I am angry. <BR> I am stressed. <BR> I am tired. <BR> I am anxious. <BR> I am depressed. <BR> The food is just there. <BR> The food smells great. <BR> The food looks great. <BR> I may never eat this food again. <BR> It's my favorite food. <BR> It's my mom's cooking. <BR> It's on sale. <BR> Others are eating. <BR> <BR> Learning to cope without food as your baseline is tough. Food is there to fuel your ... Wed, 22 Jul 2015 20:31:45 EST Self Care I love to relax. Naps, baths, watching telly, reading a book, etc. It comes easy to me. Pushing myself to DO things instead of being passive is harder. It is ridiculously easy for me to hole up at home, even when the weather is glorious out like today. I can become almost hermit like when I am left alone for hours on end every day, every week, every month while husband works full time. I don't see anything wrong with solitude and rest, it's often really necessary, but so is the other side: in... Mon, 20 Jul 2015 16:52:04 EST Making Fitness FUN I will do something, like yoga or walking or weights, for a brief period and give up after a while. I am noticing that I like variety. It is perfectly fine to do try new things, as long as I am consistent in being active in general. Yesterday I did weights while watching t.v. It was so easy. I am planning on Sunday to go for a walk along a bike/walking trail near my house. I also want to go to the park and try going up and down the steep hill a few times. I am going to look into making exerci... Fri, 17 Jul 2015 15:45:34 EST The Positive Side After much reflecting I am seeing the GOOD in my job situation. It is giving me time to heal, to relax, and to still keep my job. I may not be getting the hours I wanted, but for now, this is the best situation. <BR> <BR> I am FINALLY back to feeling like my regular self stomach wise. I have no idea what that was all about, but grateful it seems to have passed. I am still keeping a diary of the foods I eat. I noticed the other day that when I was very emotional my stomach acted up more. Hmm... Mon, 13 Jul 2015 14:24:10 EST Blah. I am still sick a whole week after the ER trip. I am going back to the medi-clinic tomorrow. Work has been very stressful, things were not good before, but now with missing work I am being demoted to 'on call' instead of having regular shifts a week. I understand it's difficult to schedule me, I get that it's business and not personal, and that in the end maybe being on call is better right now, but it still hurts and is frustrating. <BR> <BR> I got in one small walk the other day. Otherwise... Thu, 2 Jul 2015 23:30:20 EST 9.5 Hrs That is the time I spent in the ER today. Woke up with the most horrible pain I have ever felt on the left side of my stomach. I imagine that is what it feels like to be shot. Husband drove me in and I was run through tests, given pain meds, tried to get some shut eye and finally was released around noon. <BR> It was suspected that kidney stones were to blame, but the conclusion was backed up stool! <BR> I have stomach issues, I have had that once said to me before, but DAMN! Ridiculous! <... Wed, 24 Jun 2015 15:22:59 EST I Did Not Eat! Therapist forgot about my appointment. I was full of disappointment, anger & annoyance. I went for a walk. Yes, you read that right. I went for a brisk walk and it felt so good! <BR> I came home, watched Youtube videos online & my therapist called back to apologize a bunch & reschedule for Friday. <BR> I am SO PROUD. Self care in the work! <BR> xxx <BR> Tue, 16 Jun 2015 19:39:02 EST I Like To Walk A few days ago I had a meltdown. I am feeling a bit better now. Yesterday I went to the Pride festival and I walked. A LOT. All over. It was wonderful. It didn't feel like a chore, I enjoyed it and I realized the exercise I love to do is walking! It's so easy and is free! <BR> <BR> I am going to focus on that for exercise. That's it. I will find indoor exercises (hello Youtube) when winter (ugh the W word) shows up down the road. <BR> <BR> I am back to work after a good month off, feeling ... Sun, 14 Jun 2015 12:02:04 EST How? Today I didn't eat a single fruit or veggie. I ate a lot of junk food and I feel yucky and guilty. The guilt is what is bothering me. I want to get past feeling this way with food. I want a healthy and happy relationship with food, exercise and my body. <BR> <BR> I don't know how to do this. I think I'm there and then I am set back. <BR> <BR> I want to get into an exercise routine without feeling like it's punishment, a "should", something to make myself look a certain way. <BR> <BR> I fee... Thu, 11 Jun 2015 23:05:28 EST Them shorts! <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Yesterday I scoured the racks at a store trying to find any shorts that would fit. Finally stumbled upon stretchy yoga shorts in a large. Tried them on and they were too snug. Feeling defeated I returned to the rack to put them back only to find they had extra large. I debated with myself for a few seconds. Did I want to wear clothes that didn't fit me but were a size smaller, or did I want ... Tue, 9 Jun 2015 18:44:59 EST Stress I am holding a lot of stress in my body. I can feel it. Today my friend even commented that I looked frazzled. I am. I have a lot on my mind, it feels like the 'to do' list is never done, worried about work & my husbands work and I am already panicking over Summer zooming by too fast and worrying about if my depression and anxiety will rear their ugly head in Fall. <BR> <BR> Deep breath. <BR> Deep breath. <BR> Deep breath. <BR> <BR> xxxx Sat, 6 Jun 2015 16:08:05 EST Inbetween I am at a loss as to what to wear for Summer. I desperately need shorts & dresses. I tried on a bunch today at the mall and nothing fit. I am between sizes! One was way too big, hanging off me and the other was a bit too snug that if it were to shrink in the wash I'd have to donate it. Geez. <em>198</em> What's a girl to do? <BR> <BR> I am LOVING this weather today and being able to enjoy it because I feel like myself again. A bit of a runny nose, a tiny cough, but that's something I can ... Mon, 1 Jun 2015 15:59:36 EST Health is SO important I am reminded of that strongly this week. This morning I went to the ER as I was (and still am) having issues breathing at times. I was officially diagnosed with bronchitis. I had a gut feeling it was so much more than the walk in doctor said. I went through this exact thing last year around this time. <BR> <BR> Without your health you cannot do anything. Literally. I am at the mercy of this illness right now. Even showering is exhausting. I can't even think about doing household chores lik... Mon, 25 May 2015 00:50:07 EST IBS? I have been dealing with stomach issues since 2008. I was sick every single day for months. I missed out on life so much: work, time with family and friends, etc. I got countless tests done, was given so many different types of medication to try out, yet nobody questioned my diet. In 2009 I read about lactose intolerance and self diagnosed myself. I was so fed up with feeling that way, the symptoms sounded familiar and once I stopped dairy for a week or two I felt a bit better. I went back to... Tue, 19 May 2015 12:12:03 EST Anxious Eating Today I got in a ton of walking - to the mall, to the bookstore, and inbetween. It felt great to move. I fuelled my body with yummy food. I am noticing a pattern: if I am anxious and procrastinating about doing it I will turn to food as a way to fill time and put it off further. Light bulb moment! <em>3</em> I am feeling antsy. My husband will be home in an hour. There is a pile of dishes to do. I am also feeling rather sleepy, so I want to have a nap, but the previous lines suggest I do n... Sun, 10 May 2015 19:24:30 EST Getting settled It has been only a few days of being in the new place. It will take adjusting to, but once everything is unpacked, we buy some furniture we need, I think it wlll begin to feel more like home. We are dealing with some landlord issues (old place) and I need to call the internet company again to fix our internet connection. Despite having all this to deal with, I have been getting in a lot of walking, eating pretty well, drinking water & getting enough rest. <BR> <BR> I am back at work today,... Tue, 5 May 2015 13:01:26 EST Today This is me today after a long walk in the beautiful sun. Feeling too warm so I took off my top and snapped a pic. What a difference a week makes. I am feeling confident and happy. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I am relishing in my habit changes and how they are becoming easier to choose. I am trying to eat a big salad for lunch or supper and still focusing on walking as much as I can. I feel great. Lots of energy! <BR> <BR> I am ... Tue, 28 Apr 2015 15:53:29 EST