MELLYBEANS0919's SparkPeople Blog MELLYBEANS0919's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah I feel so freaking anxious tonight. Jumping out of my skin. Can't focus. I am tired, yet I doubt I'll sleep again tonight. Sucks. So. Much! <BR> Wed, 26 Nov 2014 22:36:21 EST Forever My doctors appointment basically boils down to me having to be on medication the rest of my life. She said the psychiatrist I saw previously was unsure if I was showing symptoms of biolar or depression and because it keeps happening I need to stay on meds for good. It doesn't really choke me up as I know taking medication for this is like taking it for something like high blood pressure or migraines, etc. If it helps me feel better that is what matters. I am also now off work for 2 weeks and... Tue, 25 Nov 2014 18:12:39 EST The Wall I have fallen into a dark hole and I cannot get out. Going to see my doctor in 2 hours. I am sure she'll prescribe meds. I am a shell of myself right now, I feel so terrible. I have no energy to even make food or shampoo my hair. I called in sick again for today. I really hope I don't lose my job. I will ask for a few days off with a note from the doctor. <BR> <BR> I found this a while ago and it's what it's like to have depression and I think it's a great description. <BR> <BR> <img src="... Tue, 25 Nov 2014 12:08:09 EST It's More Common Than You Think This morning I spoke to a supervisor at work about my depression. Yesterday and today have been miserable, to put it lightly. I was nearly in tears, depressed and anxious as all get out when I arrived at work. I had to break my silence. Thankfully I have a very understanding and supportive work environment. I had one coworker share her story with me about her depression and with her bubbly personality you would never have guessed. We all have secrets and when we break the silence it helps so ... Sat, 22 Nov 2014 17:38:53 EST Sigh Struggling so much today. <em>39</em> All I want to do is eat all the chocolate, sleep, and cry. I feel anxious and things started off pretty good this morning. Blah. <BR> <BR> On a positive note I bought the cutest owl earnings yesterday and am wearing them now. I also got done a few things on my 'to do' list, but if I don't do them all I'll try to be kind to myself. <BR> <BR> Working crazy early tomorrow. Looking forward to being busy for a bit and having a reason to get out of the ho... Fri, 21 Nov 2014 15:32:28 EST I Don't Feel Like It I wrote a whole blog, posted it and now I am rewriting it. <em>20</em> It didn't say everything I wanted to say. <BR> <BR> I am struggling a lot with diet and exercise. This time of the year I find it very hard to motivate myself. I often put on weight form eating too much, in general, and for having lots of sweets and carbs. Having depression means my body naturally wants carbs, so it's tough to give my body what it wants without putting on the pounds. I basically go into hibernation wi... Wed, 19 Nov 2014 20:41:42 EST Beginning SAD As often is the case, winter hits and Seasonal Affective Disorder kicks in. I am noticing I need more sleep, am tired during the day and am craving sweets and carbs. <BR> I have a plan though. <BR> <BR> 1. Use the lightbox starting tomorrow morning <BR> 2. Eat healthy, filling foods <BR> 3. Exercise <BR> 4. Keep track of my mood online (there's a tracker I found a few years ago that I use) <BR> 5. Write in the Depression thread on SP for support <BR> 6. Journal <BR> 7. Smile <BR> 8. Be gra... Sun, 16 Nov 2014 12:07:42 EST Burger Blahs Went to Five Guys Burgers for the first time tonight. I got one without a bun (as it has dairy) and fries. The fries were delicious, but the burger wasn't all that good. I am super picky with meat. It also was TWO patties, so I ate 3/4 of one. <BR> <BR> I am realizing this vegan thing may be a lot easier than I thought! The only thing I am not happy to give up is eggs. I know I can eat eggs if I want and skip the labels, but I know where eggs come from and I can't get that out of my mind. <... Fri, 14 Nov 2014 21:05:03 EST Insomnia and Anxiety Work is becoming too much. I feel burnt out, which is laughable as I work on average 9-12 hrs a week. I am waking up for hours, tossing and turning. On days I need to go into work I feel a sense of dread. I've never been one to hold a job, depression, anxiety, stress always got in the way, until this job came along, where I've held it 2.5 years. That's a big achievement for me. I am wondering if maybe I am not meant to work the typical job and should go my own route? <BR> <BR> I am unhappy.... Mon, 10 Nov 2014 13:07:12 EST Ideas At the beginning of this year I considered making a blog about my happiness project after reading "The Happiness Project." It was a book that really inspired me. I went as far as to make a blog, but never posted anything out of fear. I even had considered signing up to write for a very popular mental health blog who was looking for writers this Summer, but also chickened out. <BR> <BR> A few weeks ago I got to thinking of how most yoga blogs and videos are always the experienced yogi teachin... Fri, 7 Nov 2014 23:33:41 EST OMG I have been flirting with the idea of vegetarianism/veganism for a while. I've watched documentaries (Vegucated, Forks Over Knives, etc), read books, watched plenty of youtube videos, etc. <BR> <BR> Today I decided to watch the documentary "Earthlings." On one hand I wish I could take back the hour and 18 minutes so I do not have to live with what I just witnessed, but on the other hand, I am grateful for an open mind and I am now more than aware of how animals are treated. <BR> <BR> I fel... Wed, 5 Nov 2014 17:29:43 EST Belly Fat & more. <img src=""> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> (Sorry for the terrible photos, I am too lazy to crop it. I did accidentally cut off my head though! Oops!!) <BR> <BR> How can I think one day I look great and the next be bothered by the "sudden appearance" of belly fat? The mind is playing tricks on me. Grrr. <em>246</em> <BR> <BR> I know cardio is the way to burn fat, so I need to up ... Wed, 5 Nov 2014 13:42:42 EST Guilt, Vegetarianism and more. As yall know I have felt great on this dairy free and gluten free diet. I have noticed though that if I eat certain foods (like corn chips with salsa and dairy free cheese) I sometimes feel guilty for having it when in fact it's probably healthier than regular nachos. I know adding more fruit and veggies to my meals are a great thing to do and I am eating a lot more than before, but I am at this point where if I don't have one or the other at every meal I feel bad about it. This isn't good. I... Fri, 31 Oct 2014 15:14:08 EST Boom boom boom! Began adding dance to my workouts today. I did 10 mins, it was really tough, so I am taking it slow. I've learned the hard way that going full on when you're not in shape will only lead to pain and misery down the road. <BR> <BR> I am reading a great book called "What Makes Olga Run?" and it's about a 93 year old woman who was a track star. It's a biography and science info mix, very interesting. I learned so much last night when I was reading it about how exercise does SO MUCH good stuff, n... Thu, 30 Oct 2014 14:01:33 EST Limited Choices. The best thing about going back to gluten-free means I am forced to eat healthier. Today's menu so far was: <BR> Breakfast: Chocolate almond milk and banana smoothie <BR> Lunch: Scrambled eggs with dairy-free cheese and a piece of gluten free toast with dairy free butter. <BR> Supper: Fruit and nut salad with gluten free dressing and a Pepsi. <BR> <BR> It was frustrating this evening to bypass everything I wanted like sushi, premade subs and sweets. I am having a hard time right now with the... Mon, 27 Oct 2014 21:36:21 EST More Gluten. I went from eating a tiny piece of English muffin the other night to having a mini dairy free ice cream bar with gluten in it. Last night I had trouble sleeping - was wide awake for 1.5 hrs! -, itchy skin, and a headache came on out of nowhere and hasn't left me. I also have felt more sluggish all day whereas before I had more energy. <BR> <BR> I just read that those are all symptoms of gluten intolerance/sensitivity. Booo. <BR> <BR> So I am going to lay off the gluten for Mon, Tues, Wed an... Sun, 26 Oct 2014 20:18:49 EST Welcome Back G. I added a small piece of sough dough English Muffin back into my diet last night. I will now wait for 72 hrs to see if there is any affect before adding more. I decided to do the gluten food before dairy as I already know some dairy bothers me, it would be good to know if there is any gluten problems. <BR> <BR> I am certainly going to continue to eat more whole foods and less processed foods. My body has never felt better. <BR> <BR> Today's supper is marinated chicken with baked potato. Yu... Fri, 24 Oct 2014 12:11:34 EST Stop! Since quitting Facebook three days ago I have blogged more on here. Spark is becoming my Facebook replacement and it has to stop. I will blog on here a few times a week, but it won't be everyday. <BR> <BR> I have been feeling so restless lately. I want to live all my dreams right now and they seem so very, very big and out of my reach. I am going through so many changes personally, I think it's really changing me into a whole new person. It's exciting and scary. <BR> <BR> Have a great wee... Thu, 23 Oct 2014 12:19:19 EST 21 Days Today. This is what 3 weeks on the diet has done: given me a non-bloated belly that is happy! <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <BR> Before (July): <BR> <img src=""> <BR> Wed, 22 Oct 2014 13:44:52 EST Things I Want To Do With These 99 Days. Write. A lot. Daily even if I can make a habit of it. <BR> <BR> In that same catagorey: Write a story for National Novel Month in November. I believe it will be my 4th time around trying to hit 50,000 words in a month - so far I have never completed it or had a decent story. <BR> <BR> Develop a cleaning habit where I sweep, vacuum, clean the bathroom, dust, do laundry, etc. on a weekly basis. <BR> <BR> Practice yoga, get limber and enjoy the benefits of consistent exercise. <em>415</em... Tue, 21 Oct 2014 22:17:49 EST The girls trip, taking a break from Facebook and the diet My trip with my friend was such a fun one despite being sick with a crummy cold. There was shopping, swimming, delicious meals, lots of laughter and chatting, a park filled with ducks and we even spotted a muskrat! <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I was surprised at how many places had veg... Mon, 20 Oct 2014 11:39:33 EST Day 15 Musings. It doesn't get easier, but you learn to adjust and appreciate what you can eat. I am discovering new foods and it is forcing me to be in the kitchen more than not. I cannot just throw something in the microwave or pick up anything from the store without a thorough scan of the ingredient list, but things are going really well. I am able to cling to the fact I have about one more week, unless I decide to go longer - which I may - and know that this experiment and experience has been a very goo... Thu, 16 Oct 2014 11:55:44 EST Week 1 Musings I am holding up a lot better than I expected. Sure I have my moments of wanting to throw a tantrum that I can't have a regular cookie or a piece of cheese, but overall I am doing pretty well. <BR> <BR> The food I miss the most is cheese. I LOVE CHEESE! The fake cheese, even the best brand Daiya, isn't even close to the real thing. It melts like real cheese, but is far from tasting like it. <BR> <BR> I am eating so much healthier and that in itself is good motivation to know I am fuelling m... Wed, 8 Oct 2014 16:16:36 EST Doctors Orders Today I was able to get allergy tested and it all came back negative. I am grateful. I was told that I have food sensitivities and intolerances and both of my options require me to overhaul my diet in a significant way. I am very overwhelmed. I know this also may be the key to making my stomach happy and not suffer from nausea, cramps, diarrhoea, constipation, etc. at any given moment. <BR> <BR> The one option is to do a elimination diet of dairy and wheat at the same for 3 weeks or more an... Wed, 1 Oct 2014 20:35:30 EST Focus. My goals: <BR> <BR> 1. Exercise I enjoy in some form 2-5 x a week for a minimum of 10 minutes. I have been experimenting with various exercise dvds from the library. Today was a "Dancing With the Stars" workout with Julianne Hough. It was fun, but too tough for a beginner. I did laugh a lot though at myself. <BR> <BR> 2. Upping servings of fruit and veg. Aiming for 5 total per day. This one is tricky, going to have to plan better. <BR> <BR> 3. Protein. Greek yogurt has been my go-to latel... Fri, 29 Aug 2014 19:16:16 EST So.Much.Feelings. When I binged ate I did it because I was protecting myself from feelings I deemed as negative: anger, hurt, sadness, frustration, embarrassment, etc. Instead of feeling overwhelmed I numbed myself. <BR> <BR> Now that coping mechanism isn't used and instead I am left feeling so much at times I want to cry and scream and hide in my bed under the covers. I try to express myself through writing in my journal, talking to my husband, and when I feel like I need to, speaking up about things on Face... Tue, 12 Aug 2014 20:04:17 EST Nice surprise. <img src=""> <BR> <BR> This is a picture of me from two days ago. (I am the human hehe) I was taken aback by what my body looked like. My mind seems to make me believe I am an elephant. I am not placing my worth on what my body looks like, but it was still a really nice surprise. Eating less processed food, more fruit/veggies, listening to my hunger and fullness cues and moving more seems to be moving me in a 'happy weight' for my body.... Tue, 12 Aug 2014 12:43:26 EST Homemade Food As someone who grew up with two amazing cooks in the family, my mom and Grandma, it has haunted me that I cannot cook to save my life. I never learned how to make a Thanksgiving dinner or make dough for pies or my Grandma's delicious soups. Sadly as my Grandma is no longer with us I cannot go to her and ask her to teach me. My mom lives 5 hrs away which makes it difficult to learn from her now. <BR> <BR> I am determined to learn to cook. It is getting to where I need to learn, it's getting ... Mon, 11 Aug 2014 12:21:46 EST A sense of peace. <img src=""> <BR> <BR> That is a picture my personal trainer/friend took of me at my first lesson the other day. I am very proud of this as I never believed my body could do what it did during that hour session. Now three days of yoga in a row and I am in love with the movement, the connection I have with myself and am excited for more. <BR> <BR> Feeling great. <BR> <BR> Have a wonderful weekend. <BR> <BR> xxx Sat, 26 Jul 2014 15:09:40 EST Lesson Learned After months of not binge eating I had a bit of an internal meltdown and ate more raw muffin mix than my intended taste-test spoonful. <BR> <BR> What I learned was this: <BR> <BR> 1. Just because I have been binge free for months does not mean I am binge free for life. <BR> 2. This incident does not take away from any of my success and progress I have made. This is not a setback. <BR> 3. In fact it taught me that I was feeling a lot of stress and pressure, some I didn't realize I had place... Tue, 22 Jul 2014 01:01:31 EST Fitness Minutes vs NEAT I ask my highly knowledgeable Spark buddies on here to tell me what the difference is. <BR> <BR> At work today I was on my feet for 5 hrs, walking back and forth, sometimes very rapidly, enough to be sweating. Also, as part of the job I do some cleaning, sometimes very vigorously (mopping, sweeping, scrubbing, etc). <BR> <BR> Now, what would this count as? <BR> <BR> And if it is not fitness minutes, what would count? Going for a walk around the block? Push ups? <BR> <BR> Also, if I am ... Sun, 20 Jul 2014 23:42:33 EST Pictures update I can only post a few pics it seems today again. I believe my camera is taking pictures at a resolution SP cannot handle which is why it "broke" again when I tired to put up more than two. They are also crazy small on here. <BR> <BR> First pic, enjoying swinging on my vacation and second is post race, posing in victory of finishing 5K. I am in the green hat. <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <img src=" Thu, 17 Jul 2014 14:07:28 EST All Bodies Are Good Bodies Completed my first 5K walk with Run or Dye this morning. Was it ever fun! I will be cleaning dye out of every place of me for the next week. <em>246</em> I didn't train, but it worked out fine. I do a lot of walking on my own time and my job is physical so I thought things would be alright and they were. My feet were super sore at the end, but most people probably felt that way. <BR> <BR> One of the best things I saw was all the differing body types. Everyone was out there to have fun and... Sat, 12 Jul 2014 14:57:42 EST Numbers. Yesterday I weighed myself. I am currently 128 lbs. Decided to run the weight report from when I joined in 2009 till today. Surprising results. I started off in Aug 2009 126 pounds and went up and down throughout the years, the biggest difference being a grand total of 9 pounds. That is what I had been beating myself over and fretting about. NINE effing pounds. <BR> <BR> I am so glad that number does not define me anymore. <BR> <BR> Here's to happiness and health at ANY size. <BR> <BR> xxx... Fri, 4 Jul 2014 00:17:32 EST Trusting Your Instincts Last night I had to sleep sitting up. Yes, you read that right. I was coughing so badly I couldn't catch my breath and couldn't even lie down for a moment before the coughing began again. I tossed and turned. My poor husband ended up on the couch. <BR> <BR> Today I went to see my own doctor, not the walk-in clinic one previously, and was told that I need to use two inhalers, one of them for a whole month to clear up this cough. I am so thankful to actually have something on hand that can be ... Wed, 18 Jun 2014 21:16:43 EST Yoga on Vacation? In 10 days I am on holidays. I am brand new to yoga, so I only have tried a few poses and watched videos for some others without attempting them. How would I bring the practice along on my travels? <BR> <BR> I will be staying at my parents for some of the time and the rest will be spent in a hotel. <BR> <BR> I don't really want to bring my laptop with to watch Youtube videos, do you think just doing a few poses I know would work? Or doing meditation instead? <BR> <BR> Should I even worry ... Mon, 16 Jun 2014 16:24:28 EST A Different Kind of Blog Yesterday a painful thing happened. A friend of nearly 30 years cut ties with me. The reason? I disagreed with her on a facebook post. She went on to send me private messages once she deleted me from her friend list accusing me of being such a negative person, not caring about her, and telling me that I need to learn to be quiet and when to speak up. <BR> <BR> Past Melissa would have immediately gotten up after this incident and raided the cupboard. She would have sat down on the couch with... Fri, 6 Jun 2014 11:46:11 EST Yoga: Being Present I am entering yoga with the goal of staying present. Sure, I'd love to be more bendy, but at the end of the day that's not the focus for me and probably not the main focus of yoga in general. <BR> <BR> I am someone who lives too much in my head. I live in the past and future a lot more than the present. I beat myself up over what happened, asking what I could have said or done differently, running through scenarios in my head which long since happened. At night I worry about the following d... Tue, 3 Jun 2014 13:54:32 EST Love Life Today a close friend, someone who we have known for almost 3.5 years, passed away of cancer. He was 76. He was one of the nicest people I have met. Always willing to help out, such a great personality, and rarely complained despite his many ailments. I want to be him when I grow up. <BR> <BR> I am reminded of how sweet and short life is. Don't fret about losing the last 10 pounds. Don't stress over what people think of you. Don't let your fears hold you back from doing something. Life. Love... Wed, 28 May 2014 14:13:53 EST BIKINI!! <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I never in a million years believed I would wear a bikini. I would have laughed in your face even last year at the idea of it. Now I have one. I love how it looks, I feel good in it. Can't wait to wear it to the pool sometime. <BR> <BR> Yay! Mon, 26 May 2014 17:50:30 EST Bikini Quest This Summer I am going to rock a bikini. Last year I looked at them, but didn't dare wear one. I was afraid I was too fat. Now, I am like, HELL YEAH! Bring it. I believe this is the last step in accepting and loving myself fully. If I can embrace my body, especially my stomach, as it is right now, I'm golden. I have fought with my stomach all my life. Even when I was thinner, I hated it because of the large scar taking up a lot of space. It is a scar I have earned through surviving surgery as... Thu, 8 May 2014 00:14:45 EST All The Awesome When I finally broke free of the diet mentality and believing my body had to look a certain way to be loved and found beautiful everything changed. Self love and acceptance really does make things so much better. <BR> <BR> Then: I forced myself to eat fruits and vegetables because it was good for me, I needed a certain amount of servings per day to be 'good' and they were super foods and would "cure everything." <BR> <BR> Now: I eat the fruits and vegetables I like and it's not a struggle. ... Mon, 28 Apr 2014 13:18:47 EST Dreams My last status was about making my dreams a reality so I thought it would be fun to blog about it. <BR> <BR> The most achievable is to own a cat. I grew up begging for a dog all my childhood, never getting the permission from my parents. They allowed me to have two mice, who were adorable, but it wasn't the same. It is only when I moved in with my friend who had a cat that I fell in love with cats. Now my dream is to have my very own cat. It isn't as simple as going out to get one, as my pla... Sun, 20 Apr 2014 19:26:22 EST NSV: Shirts Yesterday I tried on a button up shirt that last year was too snug. This time I could comfortably button it up, it was even a bit loose in the stomach area. Being happy about that I decided to try on another button up shirt that I had to leave undone last year because my belly was too large for it to snap up. Well this time around it snapped up no problem and fit me like a glove. I was surprised to see how small my waist looked in it. <BR> <BR> I showed my husband and he asked "How are you l... Thu, 3 Apr 2014 13:42:01 EST Recent pics <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> This is what happy and confident looks like. I figured I should post some more recent pics as my profile one is almost 2 yrs old - but I love it too much to replace it. <BR> <BR> :) <BR> <BR> Sat, 29 Mar 2014 19:54:16 EST Change In Goals I have decided to put tracking on hold. I still find it too stressful and triggering. I am going to focus on the following: <BR> <BR> 1. Listening to my body <BR> <BR> The amount of food, the amount of exercise, how much sleep, etc. <BR> <BR> 2. Activity <BR> <BR> Walking (2-3x a week, 15 min) and body strength exercises (2 x a week, 15 min) to start. <BR> <BR> <BR> 3. Focusing on what my body can do and how wonderful it is. <BR> <BR> <BR> Thu, 27 Mar 2014 13:00:41 EST Bodyweight Exercises <em>320</em> <em>405</em> <em>344</em> <BR> <BR> Looking to start a strength training routine. I am planning on doing it two days a week to start off. <BR> <BR> Needing advice on what types of exercises, how to warm up and cool down properly. <BR> <BR> Thanks so much! <BR> <BR> xxx Tue, 25 Mar 2014 15:08:28 EST 3 Months Update Hello everyone! <BR> <BR> I said I was leaving for good, but alas I am back because I am a much better heads space. I am basically planning to use Spark to track my calories. I want to see how much veggies, protein and calories overall I am eating. <BR> <BR> I am feeling SO good. I love who I am. I am treating my body well. I am enjoying life. <BR> <BR> Happy to be back. <BR> <BR> xxx Tue, 18 Mar 2014 13:22:49 EST Goodbye SparkPeople After much thinking I have come to the conclusion that my time here is over. I have enjoyed my friendships I've made here and I hope that we can keep in touch by e-mail. My address is: <BR> Thank you everyone for your love and support. It has been a joy to 'meet' all of you! <BR> <BR> SparkPeople is no longer fitting the path my life is going. I am into the Healthy At Every Size movement and not concerned about my weight, counting calories or getting to a specific size.... Sat, 21 Dec 2013 14:48:44 EST I've Done It All... If you want to keep being positive and happy, feel free to skip this blog. I wont take offence :) <BR> <BR> I don't get it. At all. What more can I do to get myself to a happy, peaceful outlook with my body and health? <BR> <BR> I've.... <BR> - written in a food journal <BR> - tracked food on Spark <BR> - tracked fitness minutes <BR> - attempted spark streaks <BR> - weighed myself <BR> - taken weekly measurements <BR> - snapped photos weekly <BR> - meal planned <BR> - banned sweets from the... Sat, 16 Nov 2013 23:10:58 EST