MELLYBEANS0919's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=MELLYBEANS0919 MELLYBEANS0919's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ Today http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5919198 This is me today after a long walk in the beautiful sun. Feeling too warm so I took off my top and snapped a pic. What a difference a week makes. I am feeling confident and happy. <BR> <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/1/0/l1047333939.jpg"> <BR> <BR> I am relishing in my habit changes and how they are becoming easier to choose. I am trying to eat a big salad for lunch or supper and still focusing on walking as much as I can. I feel great. Lots of energy! <BR> <BR> I am ... Tue, 28 Apr 2015 15:53:29 EST Feeling Fat http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5915307 Since my weigh in yesterday at the OBGYN I have felt uncomfortable with the number. Sure it's only 1.2 lbs since my last weigh in at the doctor 8 months ago, but it also was higher than I expected. I had hopes it would be less since I have been actively exercising for 10 weeks, eating healthier and feeling more confident in my body. I felt "fat" and unhappy. <BR> <BR> This morning I put on one of my favorite outfits and felt super cute. I decided that that the number on the scale meant jack.... Tue, 21 Apr 2015 18:20:40 EST Just Say No http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5913991 Did a lot of research into IIFYM and have decided to say no to this diet. I can see how it would become obsessive for somebody like me. Trying to be "perfect" and get it "right." I think it could work for some, just not me. <BR> <BR> I am going to continue to focus on healthy habits: <BR> -more veggies/fruit <BR> - more protein <BR> - water <BR> - walking 5x a week <BR> <BR> I don't want to lose my sanity. <BR> <BR> <em>334</em> Sun, 19 Apr 2015 14:52:40 EST IIFYM? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5913710 Read up on If It Fits Your Macros which basically is a way to get in nutrients, track macros (duh!) and calories. I am wondering if anyone's dabbled with this before? Is it very restrictive? Did you feel deprived? I am considering trying this as I have a hard time getting in protein/fat and always are high up carbs. I try to add in foods like Greek yogurt, eggs, chicken, salad dressing, etc. but it is not enough to make a difference. <BR> <BR> I know eating more protein/fat would help me fee... Sun, 19 Apr 2015 00:20:58 EST ALL the food! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5910737 I have been eating my feelings today. I haven't done that in forever. I feel stressed, lonely & bored. I am overwhelmed by life. I am wanting things I do not have, not sure where to go to get them and wanting to find more balance and joy. <BR> <BR> I went for a walk, had a nap, did a few small chores to feel a bit productive. It didn't help. I have 2 hours till my husband is home and all I want to do is stuff more food into my already overly full belly, curl up in a ball and cry. <BR> <BR> ... Mon, 13 Apr 2015 19:17:25 EST Twisted Thoughts http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5909923 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/1/7/l1722423059.jpg"> <BR> <BR> This photo was taken yesterday. I felt cute. A few minutes later, I was in the change room trying on clothing - nothing fit! I picked apart everything on my body, telling myself all the small changes I am making aren't doing anything. I know that is all a bunch of lies, yet today I am still feeling the same way. I feel like I could burst into tears. I am trying to remind myself that my body is amazing, it does s... Sun, 12 Apr 2015 12:48:06 EST Starting week 9 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5906401 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/2/0/l2098760705.jpg"> <BR> <BR> I love the above poster. Best 21 day challenge I have seen! <BR> <BR> Today is the start of 9 weeks of exercise! Woohoo! Being more fit helped this morning when I had to run up the stairs to grab my cat! <em>312</em> <em>246</em> I am enjoying walking, I am aiming for a 20 min walk 5 days a week. <BR> <BR> Yesterday we went for lunch, ate delicious Mexican food and I saved 3/4 of my sweet potato fries & ... Mon, 6 Apr 2015 12:00:04 EST Simplify http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5903655 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/5/0/l504667340.jpg"> <BR> <BR> I am learning that being healthy can mean taking the smallest steps and that they count as much as the big ones. I love to walk, so yesterday I walked around downtown, also got off a few stops before my regular bus route to get in more steps. Today I bundled up against the chilly wind and got in a 25 min brisk stroll. I feel invigorated! I bought premade healthy foods at the store yesterday which make things a lot ... Wed, 1 Apr 2015 15:34:24 EST 7 Weeks http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5896765 Tomorrow is the start of SEVEN WEEKS OF CONSISTENT EXERCISE!! I needed to post that because I am DAMN proud! <BR> <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/1/7/l1732166547.jpg"> Sat, 21 Mar 2015 00:00:47 EST Slow and Steady http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5892896 It finally has clicked with me that going slow is okay! It's better do that then not move at all. There is no deadline. I want to be healthy and fit for life! I am enjoying challenging myself, trying new workout videos and moves, seeing what I can do, dreaming of what I could do. <BR> <BR> Today I got to 2 mins and 37 seconds of this video. It's been going around for a while. I've watched it countless times, always in awe and finally decided to try it for myself. Tough, but fun! Plus I just... Sat, 14 Mar 2015 15:49:55 EST Body Talk http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5892242 Two days ago I did a workout where I did push ups & weights. My arms are STILL sore. <em>104</em> Hehe! I am going to listen to my body and go for a walk for my exercise instead of my planned one. I am learning to listen to my body. <BR> <BR> I also noticed today is week SIX of consistent exercise!! A big mile stone as I often fizzle out after about 2-3 weeks. Not this time! I am focused on what my body can do, learning to listen to it (as the above shows!) and enjoying my workouts! Wha... Fri, 13 Mar 2015 11:26:15 EST Looking Up http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5891067 It turns out there was a big misunderstanding between the landlord and us. We were under the assumption we would lose the stove and top cupboards before we moved out - that is not the case. The renos will take place after we have moved. Also, I don't think the stove is a fire hazard afterall, it seems that my landlord said that to have a reason for removing it, but the inspector was in yesterday and said nothing about that. If it were, it would be removed promptly, while we are still here. I ... Wed, 11 Mar 2015 11:23:04 EST Psychiatrist Appointment & Housing stuff http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5889921 Things went rather well. <em>334</em> He offered other medication choices, answered all my questions & in the end it was my decision on what to do and we decided, and he agreed, that for now I won't go on meds. I am in a good place for the most part and it is only around Fall/Winter things go haywire. I am going back to see him in September. <BR> <BR> As for the housing stuff we have a lot of unanswered questions. We do have a slow cooker, I actually thought of that myself today, hopefull... Mon, 9 Mar 2015 14:17:55 EST In The Blink Of An Eye... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5889501 Life changes. <BR> <BR> We were informed today that we either have to move or find someone to rent the upstairs suite to share the rent with as it is illegal and it will become one place instead of two. We live in the basement and have been here 4 years. We love everything about this place, the neighborhood, it's close to work for us both, etc. If we find someone to share the upstairs with, we will be losing our stove as it's a fire hazard and we'd have to bug the people upstairs all the ti... Sun, 8 Mar 2015 21:43:48 EST Data http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5887209 Been tracking my food nearly two weeks! A record! A few things I've noticed: <BR> <BR> 1. I don't eat nearly enough protein & fat. <BR> 2. I need to up my veggie and fruit intake a lot. <BR> 3. I am either around 70-80% my calorie range or I am over it by a little bit (like 103%) <BR> <BR> I am feeling happy that I am not judgemental of it, it's just a tool to learn. <BR> <BR> Off to bed, <BR> xxx Wed, 4 Mar 2015 23:26:35 EST Sick. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5886352 I wanted to apologize for not being around lately. I was put back on medication for anxiety/depression which has left me very sick, today is day five. Thankfully better then the last few days, I am fairly confident I will be able to work tonight and the next few shifts without issues. I am off the meds now because of what happened and am going to have a chat with my psychiatrist Mon. He wants me on Lithium, I don't want to go that route, so we'll see how things go. <BR> <BR> The weather has ... Tue, 3 Mar 2015 15:42:15 EST Love Thyself http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5879926 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/1/8/l188990427.jpg"> <BR> <BR> Feeling sassy yesterday: <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/1/5/l1575261978.jpg"> <BR> <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/1/0/l1050590643.jpg"> <BR> <BR> Feeling the love and happiness from myself. Celebrating finding joy in movement. <BR> <BR> xxx Sat, 21 Feb 2015 12:41:13 EST Walking Therapy http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5878276 My head has been in a bad place today. I have felt overwhelmed, stuck, upset and self loathing. Exercising didn't help, in fact it made me think negative things about not working out enough. <BR> <BR> So I threw on my winter gear and walked with a purpose. <em>311</em> I went across to the park, did a large loop through the park, around the connecting streets, back through the park and home again. It was 30 mins of therapy where I talked things out, sometimes aloud to myself, sometimes q... Wed, 18 Feb 2015 17:15:00 EST $23 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5875131 That is the amount of $$ I have earned by working out for two weeks. I hit my goal this week of working out 5 times! <em>244</em> I am going to get in some exercise tomorrow by walking to the mall and Sun I am going back to work which means walking there (20 min one way) and I am on my feet for 5 hours. <BR> <BR> Really proud of myself for sticking to a routine. Money is a great motivator! <em>246</em> Fri, 13 Feb 2015 13:05:33 EST Leaving A Piece Behind http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5873829 Having a gift card to a nice restaurant my husband and I decided to indulge by having dessert for supper. <em>246</em> Because we're adults and can so why not? <BR> <BR> Listening to my bodies hunger and fullness cues is getting easier. I ate 2/3 of the rich, delicious Reese Peantbutter Cup Tort and stopped leaving a few bites on the plate. Me, the girl who is a massive dessert lover, LEFT FOOD ON HER PLATE! <em>48</em> I am proud of myself! My husband on the other hand felt sick by fo... Wed, 11 Feb 2015 11:36:29 EST "0 Pounds Lost (Yet!)" http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5873443 That is what the weight tracker on the main page says every time I log into Spark. When I looked at my weight loss report my original goal was to be 115 lbs, from 135 lbs meaning a 20 lb weight loss. One that is not necessary, let alone healthy for me. I am guessing I picked 115 thinking of it as a midrange weight from where I used to weigh so much of life which was 90-100 lbs. <BR> <BR> Every single time I see those "0 Pounds Lost (Yet!)" statement it causes something in me to stir. I want... Tue, 10 Feb 2015 21:26:55 EST The L Word http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5872559 No, not love, lamotrigene. <em>246</em> <BR> <BR> After a 50 minute chat with my psychiatrist it was decided to go back on medication. Basically I am susceptible to depression and taking medication should level things. I had a rash in November by trying to go back on, but unlike my doctor, he is starting with a lower dose and a 16 week schedule for upping the dose. It bothered me for a while to think I had to be on meds, but now I am seeing it as a part of self care. If it helps me keep... Mon, 9 Feb 2015 13:40:26 EST Let's Make it FUN!! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5871305 I have decided that I am going to focus on doing workouts that are FUN and ENJOYABLE! I did another workout today where 20 mins flew by because I enjoyed dancing around to the beat. I looked up some workouts on Youtube (Blogilates, Sweaty Betty's, BeFit, etc) and I am excited to give them a go. <em>244</em> <BR> <BR> I am no longer going to focus on losing weight or toning up, it's about getting healthy which means movement 5 days a week for a min of 10 mins, more if possible. Being hea... Sat, 7 Feb 2015 14:26:10 EST Still There http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5870670 I have become aware today that I am still in that mindset of seeing food as good and bad. I had thought I had moved on to moderation and a healthy relationship with food. This is not the case. I am still seeing fruits and veggies as angels and sweets as the devil. <em>39</em> <BR> <BR> I sent an e-mail to my ED therapist, she is away till the 23rd, but once she is back hopefully I can see her soon. This is all very surprising to me and I am having a hard time sorting things out. <BR> <B... Fri, 6 Feb 2015 12:24:48 EST CARADAWN's awesome idea & weight lifting question http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5870031 My good friend Caradawn posted a blog about earning $$ for eating healthy. With her permission I am taking her idea and using it to motivate myself to exercise. I will be giving myself $2 for every time I workout. So I already have $2 for my workout yesterday! <em>48</em> My goal is 5x a week to move in some fashion for at least 10 mins. <BR> <BR> I also have been wanting to lift weights, I only have dinky 5 lb dumbbells. I am not sure which is the way to go: buy heavier weights or try ... Thu, 5 Feb 2015 11:41:21 EST Being Me http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5869407 All my life I have struggled with being my true self around others. I am terrified of judgement, of people not liking me, and thinking less of me. One of the main topics in my therapy sessions is being assertive. I struggle to speak my mind, to let my voice be heard, I tend to shrink back with my opinions and let those thoughts go unheard. Of course that only leads to resentment, anger and frustration when people don't know what I really think and assume things about me. <BR> <BR> It's also... Wed, 4 Feb 2015 13:15:53 EST Moderation Works - Who Knew? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5861282 I have been able to find a balance with food. It's not something I thought would have happened even a year ago. The journey has been long, hard, but to get to this point, it has been worth it. I won't say everything is perfect, it can't be, but things are so much better and I am grateful. <BR> <BR> The next step is to find moderation and balance with exercise. I still struggle with going 100% full out till it runs me to the ground or I don't do much at all. I want to get back into yoga agai... Fri, 23 Jan 2015 23:26:24 EST Our Cat! :) http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5855221 We adopted our cat, Octave, today!! Here she is waiting to be taken home. <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/1/0/l1047041843.jpg"> <BR> <BR> At home: <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/3/0/l305054678.jpg"> <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/1/7/l1700404372.jpg"> <BR> <BR> She is very quiet, seems to be liking us already, lots of purring, and has explored the place a few times. She has a cone of shame on as she got spayed and we're taking he... Thu, 15 Jan 2015 18:20:41 EST Less Thinking http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5854358 The more I obsess over food, what to eat, how much, etc. the more it takes over my life. If I allow myself to relax, eat what appeals to me, not label foods, the more I am able to eat "normally" and not have food on the brain 24/7. <BR> <BR> What a great epiphany to have! <BR> <BR> <em>30</em> Wed, 14 Jan 2015 14:17:39 EST Goodbye 2014. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5841981 When I reflect on how 2014 went health wise I am pretty proud of myself. My binge eating is barely a problem anymore, I ate a lot more healthy foods (hummus, fruits, veggies, peanut butter, etc) than frozen foods. <BR> <BR> I also began yoga, which I fell in love with, and that gave me my longest exercise streak of almost 2 months. I coped with my depression and anxiety not by stuffing my face, but by using proven strategies and have not put on weight because of it. <BR> <BR> I have learn... Wed, 31 Dec 2014 12:41:07 EST 7 Minute Workout App http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5841448 Received an Andriod Smartphone from my parents. It's an old one they don't use anymore, but as someone who's never had one it's pretty exciting! I am probably going to use it just to play games/download apps, etc. not use it as an actual phone. <BR> <BR> One of the cool apps I found is the '7 Minute Workout.' I was wondering if anyone's tried it? It has great reviews and I previewed it and it looks good. I am going to try it out tomorrow morning. I think it'll be dripping in sweat ha ha. <B... Tue, 30 Dec 2014 18:40:40 EST Dancing Machine? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5837956 Yesterday I bounced around the room to Beyonce making up my own moves. Today I tried this workout and I found it way too hard and it's day 1 of a 30 day challenge. <BR> <BR> <link>www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2ZXCR5xpCo&<BR>feature=youtu.be </link> <BR> <BR> I managed to do 12.5 minutes of a 30 minute video. I am feeling discouraged, but I'll find another one of her videos that is maybe easier. I might just be that I am so out of shape that anything will be hard. <BR> <em>40</em> <BR> ... Wed, 24 Dec 2014 12:03:31 EST It's Not A Game Anymore http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5836945 Therapist said I need to do 40 min of vigorous exercise a day to combat depression. Said my yoga was too gentle and I need to get my heart rate up to shock my body back into basically not hibernating as it is currently doing. <BR> I looked up lots of gyms in my area, either too expensive and/or too far from home, maybe one or two is somewhat possible if I made it a priority to get there. I have been racking my brain for what else I could do and I came up with: <BR> - dancing (at home) <BR> -... Mon, 22 Dec 2014 18:22:43 EST 2015 Health Goals http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5836013 <BR> 1. Consistent daily yoga practice <em>416</em> Minimum of 5 mins. <BR> 2. Drink more water, less juice and pop. <BR> 3. More wholefoods, less processed foods. <BR> 4. Learn to cook healthy, easy to make meals. <BR> 5. Don't compare myself to others. <BR> 6. Meditate daily, minimum 5 mins and expand as it gets easier. <BR> 7. Journal daily - gratitude list, goals, how I am feeling, etc. <BR> 8. Do not hold emotions in, be honest about how I feel. <BR> 9. Follow my heart. <BR> 10. Be... Sat, 20 Dec 2014 19:35:57 EST Meditation & Yoga http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5835375 In reading the book "Shoot the Damn Dog A Memoir Of Depression" I came to realize that getting back into yoga and meditation would probably be very helpful for my depression and anxiety. I was going to wait till January to begin yoga, but I found a nice 20 minute beginner video online so my goals today are to do that and meditate after for 5 minutes. <BR> <BR> I finally got some sleep last night after two nights of insomnia. It's amazing what rest can do for you. <BR> <BR> I have been focus... Fri, 19 Dec 2014 10:26:46 EST Infection http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5834017 Basically I am overstressed to the point where I now have sores in my mouth and a sore throat which is making swallowing and chewing hard. I went to the doctor and got a special mouthwash. Here's hoping it works quickly! I am unsure of what to eat. I tried to eat a wrap and that was too difficult. <em>46</em> So on top of depression, anxiety, I also have this. I am doing my best to take care of myself, but I think my body has been fighting so hard and it's now showing symptoms of having ov... Tue, 16 Dec 2014 17:25:39 EST 30 Days of Yoga http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5833026 Signed up to join the Yoga With Adriene #30daysofyoga challenge beginning in January. A very good way to kick-off the new year and get back into things. I felt a lot more centered, relaxed and at peace when I was practising. If you want to join click here: <BR> <BR> <link>www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipQJY_8pBe0&<BR>list=UUFKE7WVJfvaHW5q283SxchA </link> <BR> <BR> <em>416</em> <em>414</em> <BR> <BR> A good friend said to do what feels good and I am going to make that my mantra. It appl... Sun, 14 Dec 2014 19:54:48 EST Christmas Party Outfit http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5832497 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/1/7/l1715323795.jpg"> <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/1/2/l1260164905.jpg"> <BR> <BR> Leaving in an hour or so to the Christmas party. Feeling nice all dolled up. I didn't find a sparkly top or funky belt, but I bought four pretty headbands, rocking one of them tonight. And I have on snowman earrings, can't go wrong with that. <em>246</em> <BR> Sat, 13 Dec 2014 17:49:41 EST Time For Change. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5831113 I am eating way too much fun foods. Candies, chocolates, cookies, fries, blah, blah. <BR> <BR> I know I am the only one who can make things happen or stop things from happening in my life, food included, so I need to stop all the excuses. I have so many. <BR> <BR> When I went dairy/gluten free I ate so much healthier and felt really good. Is that the route to go again? <BR> <BR> I am not enjoying how I feel - in my body and mood wise. <BR> <BR> I am hoping to find a good outfit to wear ... Wed, 10 Dec 2014 23:33:24 EST Winter Challenge http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5829978 Signed up for a lose-weight challenge for December thru February. I am not sure if it's the smartest thing to do, but it's something to hopefully keep me accountable. <BR> 1. Less sweets more real food - fruits and veggies mainly the focus <BR> 2. Exercise - whether I feel like it or not, get my body moving daily <BR> 3. Be honest with myself about how I am doing and say no to petty excuses <BR> 4. Be kind to myself <BR> 5. Love my body in whatever state it's in <BR> 6. Measure my body in inc... Mon, 8 Dec 2014 23:12:58 EST Dec 8 Accountability http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5829696 Food: <BR> Multigrain chips with mild salsa <BR> Apple cider <BR> Apple caramel cake <BR> McDonalds 6 piece nuggets with BBQ sauce, med fries and med coke <BR> Skor mini bites <BR> Dr Pepper twizzlers (4 mini) <BR> Chocolate sea salt popcorn <BR> <BR> (SO MUCH SWEETS! OMG STOP IT!) <BR> <BR> Exercise: <BR> 5 hours of walking at stores/the mall Mon, 8 Dec 2014 12:38:30 EST Dec 7 Accountability http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5829085 Food: <BR> Oatmeal with dairy-free chocolate chips, banana, coconut peanutbutter. <BR> Apple cider. <BR> Greek pasta salad. <BR> Arizona Green tea with ginseng and honey. <BR> Multigrain chips with mild salsa and Daiya cheddar cheese. <BR> 1 chocolate cheesecake lollipop <BR> Turkish pearl salad <BR> Parmesien cheese garlic bread <BR> caramel apple cake <BR> <BR> Exercise: 20 min walk Sun, 7 Dec 2014 11:54:38 EST Dec 6 accountability http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5828781 Food: <BR> Bean and beef chili <BR> 1/2 a cheesecake pop <BR> pomegranate sushi with ginger and soy sauce <BR> apple cider <BR> mac and cheese <BR> banana <BR> apple caramel cake <BR> <BR> Exercise: <BR> 15 min dancing <BR> 5-10 min walk <BR> Sat, 6 Dec 2014 20:10:16 EST Accountability http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5828278 My therapist thinks I may be feeling really good today due to the following: <BR> <BR> -light box therapy daily <BR> - movement/exercise the past few days <BR> - social outing on Wednesday - connected with others <BR> <BR> My goals are to post a blog daily on what exercise I did, how long I did it for, what I ate (I need to eat healthier foods, enough of this junky crap), and how I am feeling. I need to take care of myself, especially during this winter mode of wanting to sleep all day, ea... Fri, 5 Dec 2014 19:49:15 EST Carb Crap http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5827564 Eating sooo much carbs. I can already feel my weight creeping up. I have no desire to eat veggies, fruit, lean meat, etc. all the good stuff I should be having. Not exercising at all except an occasional walk when it's not 'freezing my face off' temperatures. <BR> <BR> I am thankful to see my therapist tomorrow. <BR> <BR> My husband is off with me today and we're going to go out to some stores, something we enjoy doing. <BR> <BR> Picked up a great book the other day. Amy Poehler's "Yes Ple... Thu, 4 Dec 2014 12:24:15 EST Untrustworthy http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5826577 Doctors appointment was a bust. She didn't take my concerns seriously and still wants me on the pill that gave me a rash. So I talked to a pharmacist about things and it was confirmed my doctor LIED to me about the dose/ingredients to try to get me back on it. I am going to look into finding a new doctor. I am so fed up. I am having seriously depression and I need something to happen NOW. I am waiting on a referral to see a psychiatrist, but he's super busy, so it may be a while. I am frustra... Tue, 2 Dec 2014 19:23:50 EST Back to Square One http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5824408 Lamotrigne can cause a deadly rash. If you get any rash they take you off it. After being on it in the past I had no issues. After three days I have a rash. I went to a walk-in clinic to get a second opinion. I was told to NEVER go back on it. My GP is convinced going up a higher dose (from 25 mg to 100 mg) will be the answer. Not happening. I will be seeing her on Tuesday and will ask her to send me to my psychiatrist. I feel like my GP doesn't know what she is doing. I am now back to where ... Fri, 28 Nov 2014 20:14:07 EST Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5823562 I feel so freaking anxious tonight. Jumping out of my skin. Can't focus. I am tired, yet I doubt I'll sleep again tonight. Sucks. So. Much! <BR> Wed, 26 Nov 2014 22:36:21 EST Forever http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5822941 My doctors appointment basically boils down to me having to be on medication the rest of my life. She said the psychiatrist I saw previously was unsure if I was showing symptoms of biolar or depression and because it keeps happening I need to stay on meds for good. It doesn't really choke me up as I know taking medication for this is like taking it for something like high blood pressure or migraines, etc. If it helps me feel better that is what matters. I am also now off work for 2 weeks and... Tue, 25 Nov 2014 18:12:39 EST The Wall http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5822797 I have fallen into a dark hole and I cannot get out. Going to see my doctor in 2 hours. I am sure she'll prescribe meds. I am a shell of myself right now, I feel so terrible. I have no energy to even make food or shampoo my hair. I called in sick again for today. I really hope I don't lose my job. I will ask for a few days off with a note from the doctor. <BR> <BR> I found this a while ago and it's what it's like to have depression and I think it's a great description. <BR> <BR> <img src="... Tue, 25 Nov 2014 12:08:09 EST