MELLYBEANS0919's SparkPeople Blog MELLYBEANS0919's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community 2015 Health Goals <BR> 1. Consistent daily yoga practice <em>416</em> Minimum of 5 mins. <BR> 2. Drink more water, less juice and pop. <BR> 3. More wholefoods, less processed foods. <BR> 4. Learn to cook healthy, easy to make meals. <BR> 5. Don't compare myself to others. <BR> 6. Meditate daily, minimum 5 mins and expand as it gets easier. <BR> 7. Journal daily - gratitude list, goals, how I am feeling, etc. <BR> 8. Do not hold emotions in, be honest about how I feel. <BR> 9. Follow my heart. <BR> 10. Be... Sat, 20 Dec 2014 19:35:57 EST Meditation & Yoga In reading the book "Shoot the Damn Dog A Memoir Of Depression" I came to realize that getting back into yoga and meditation would probably be very helpful for my depression and anxiety. I was going to wait till January to begin yoga, but I found a nice 20 minute beginner video online so my goals today are to do that and meditate after for 5 minutes. <BR> <BR> I finally got some sleep last night after two nights of insomnia. It's amazing what rest can do for you. <BR> <BR> I have been focus... Fri, 19 Dec 2014 10:26:46 EST Infection Basically I am overstressed to the point where I now have sores in my mouth and a sore throat which is making swallowing and chewing hard. I went to the doctor and got a special mouthwash. Here's hoping it works quickly! I am unsure of what to eat. I tried to eat a wrap and that was too difficult. <em>46</em> So on top of depression, anxiety, I also have this. I am doing my best to take care of myself, but I think my body has been fighting so hard and it's now showing symptoms of having ov... Tue, 16 Dec 2014 17:25:39 EST 30 Days of Yoga Signed up to join the Yoga With Adriene #30daysofyoga challenge beginning in January. A very good way to kick-off the new year and get back into things. I felt a lot more centered, relaxed and at peace when I was practising. If you want to join click here: <BR> <BR> <link><BR>list=UUFKE7WVJfvaHW5q283SxchA </link> <BR> <BR> <em>416</em> <em>414</em> <BR> <BR> A good friend said to do what feels good and I am going to make that my mantra. It appl... Sun, 14 Dec 2014 19:54:48 EST Christmas Party Outfit <img src=""> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Leaving in an hour or so to the Christmas party. Feeling nice all dolled up. I didn't find a sparkly top or funky belt, but I bought four pretty headbands, rocking one of them tonight. And I have on snowman earrings, can't go wrong with that. <em>246</em> <BR> Sat, 13 Dec 2014 17:49:41 EST Time For Change. I am eating way too much fun foods. Candies, chocolates, cookies, fries, blah, blah. <BR> <BR> I know I am the only one who can make things happen or stop things from happening in my life, food included, so I need to stop all the excuses. I have so many. <BR> <BR> When I went dairy/gluten free I ate so much healthier and felt really good. Is that the route to go again? <BR> <BR> I am not enjoying how I feel - in my body and mood wise. <BR> <BR> I am hoping to find a good outfit to wear ... Wed, 10 Dec 2014 23:33:24 EST Winter Challenge Signed up for a lose-weight challenge for December thru February. I am not sure if it's the smartest thing to do, but it's something to hopefully keep me accountable. <BR> 1. Less sweets more real food - fruits and veggies mainly the focus <BR> 2. Exercise - whether I feel like it or not, get my body moving daily <BR> 3. Be honest with myself about how I am doing and say no to petty excuses <BR> 4. Be kind to myself <BR> 5. Love my body in whatever state it's in <BR> 6. Measure my body in inc... Mon, 8 Dec 2014 23:12:58 EST Dec 8 Accountability Food: <BR> Multigrain chips with mild salsa <BR> Apple cider <BR> Apple caramel cake <BR> McDonalds 6 piece nuggets with BBQ sauce, med fries and med coke <BR> Skor mini bites <BR> Dr Pepper twizzlers (4 mini) <BR> Chocolate sea salt popcorn <BR> <BR> (SO MUCH SWEETS! OMG STOP IT!) <BR> <BR> Exercise: <BR> 5 hours of walking at stores/the mall Mon, 8 Dec 2014 12:38:30 EST Dec 7 Accountability Food: <BR> Oatmeal with dairy-free chocolate chips, banana, coconut peanutbutter. <BR> Apple cider. <BR> Greek pasta salad. <BR> Arizona Green tea with ginseng and honey. <BR> Multigrain chips with mild salsa and Daiya cheddar cheese. <BR> 1 chocolate cheesecake lollipop <BR> Turkish pearl salad <BR> Parmesien cheese garlic bread <BR> caramel apple cake <BR> <BR> Exercise: 20 min walk Sun, 7 Dec 2014 11:54:38 EST Dec 6 accountability Food: <BR> Bean and beef chili <BR> 1/2 a cheesecake pop <BR> pomegranate sushi with ginger and soy sauce <BR> apple cider <BR> mac and cheese <BR> banana <BR> apple caramel cake <BR> <BR> Exercise: <BR> 15 min dancing <BR> 5-10 min walk <BR> Sat, 6 Dec 2014 20:10:16 EST Accountability My therapist thinks I may be feeling really good today due to the following: <BR> <BR> -light box therapy daily <BR> - movement/exercise the past few days <BR> - social outing on Wednesday - connected with others <BR> <BR> My goals are to post a blog daily on what exercise I did, how long I did it for, what I ate (I need to eat healthier foods, enough of this junky crap), and how I am feeling. I need to take care of myself, especially during this winter mode of wanting to sleep all day, ea... Fri, 5 Dec 2014 19:49:15 EST Carb Crap Eating sooo much carbs. I can already feel my weight creeping up. I have no desire to eat veggies, fruit, lean meat, etc. all the good stuff I should be having. Not exercising at all except an occasional walk when it's not 'freezing my face off' temperatures. <BR> <BR> I am thankful to see my therapist tomorrow. <BR> <BR> My husband is off with me today and we're going to go out to some stores, something we enjoy doing. <BR> <BR> Picked up a great book the other day. Amy Poehler's "Yes Ple... Thu, 4 Dec 2014 12:24:15 EST Untrustworthy Doctors appointment was a bust. She didn't take my concerns seriously and still wants me on the pill that gave me a rash. So I talked to a pharmacist about things and it was confirmed my doctor LIED to me about the dose/ingredients to try to get me back on it. I am going to look into finding a new doctor. I am so fed up. I am having seriously depression and I need something to happen NOW. I am waiting on a referral to see a psychiatrist, but he's super busy, so it may be a while. I am frustra... Tue, 2 Dec 2014 19:23:50 EST Back to Square One Lamotrigne can cause a deadly rash. If you get any rash they take you off it. After being on it in the past I had no issues. After three days I have a rash. I went to a walk-in clinic to get a second opinion. I was told to NEVER go back on it. My GP is convinced going up a higher dose (from 25 mg to 100 mg) will be the answer. Not happening. I will be seeing her on Tuesday and will ask her to send me to my psychiatrist. I feel like my GP doesn't know what she is doing. I am now back to where ... Fri, 28 Nov 2014 20:14:07 EST Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah I feel so freaking anxious tonight. Jumping out of my skin. Can't focus. I am tired, yet I doubt I'll sleep again tonight. Sucks. So. Much! <BR> Wed, 26 Nov 2014 22:36:21 EST Forever My doctors appointment basically boils down to me having to be on medication the rest of my life. She said the psychiatrist I saw previously was unsure if I was showing symptoms of biolar or depression and because it keeps happening I need to stay on meds for good. It doesn't really choke me up as I know taking medication for this is like taking it for something like high blood pressure or migraines, etc. If it helps me feel better that is what matters. I am also now off work for 2 weeks and... Tue, 25 Nov 2014 18:12:39 EST The Wall I have fallen into a dark hole and I cannot get out. Going to see my doctor in 2 hours. I am sure she'll prescribe meds. I am a shell of myself right now, I feel so terrible. I have no energy to even make food or shampoo my hair. I called in sick again for today. I really hope I don't lose my job. I will ask for a few days off with a note from the doctor. <BR> <BR> I found this a while ago and it's what it's like to have depression and I think it's a great description. <BR> <BR> <img src="... Tue, 25 Nov 2014 12:08:09 EST It's More Common Than You Think This morning I spoke to a supervisor at work about my depression. Yesterday and today have been miserable, to put it lightly. I was nearly in tears, depressed and anxious as all get out when I arrived at work. I had to break my silence. Thankfully I have a very understanding and supportive work environment. I had one coworker share her story with me about her depression and with her bubbly personality you would never have guessed. We all have secrets and when we break the silence it helps so ... Sat, 22 Nov 2014 17:38:53 EST Sigh Struggling so much today. <em>39</em> All I want to do is eat all the chocolate, sleep, and cry. I feel anxious and things started off pretty good this morning. Blah. <BR> <BR> On a positive note I bought the cutest owl earnings yesterday and am wearing them now. I also got done a few things on my 'to do' list, but if I don't do them all I'll try to be kind to myself. <BR> <BR> Working crazy early tomorrow. Looking forward to being busy for a bit and having a reason to get out of the ho... Fri, 21 Nov 2014 15:32:28 EST I Don't Feel Like It I wrote a whole blog, posted it and now I am rewriting it. <em>20</em> It didn't say everything I wanted to say. <BR> <BR> I am struggling a lot with diet and exercise. This time of the year I find it very hard to motivate myself. I often put on weight form eating too much, in general, and for having lots of sweets and carbs. Having depression means my body naturally wants carbs, so it's tough to give my body what it wants without putting on the pounds. I basically go into hibernation wi... Wed, 19 Nov 2014 20:41:42 EST Beginning SAD As often is the case, winter hits and Seasonal Affective Disorder kicks in. I am noticing I need more sleep, am tired during the day and am craving sweets and carbs. <BR> I have a plan though. <BR> <BR> 1. Use the lightbox starting tomorrow morning <BR> 2. Eat healthy, filling foods <BR> 3. Exercise <BR> 4. Keep track of my mood online (there's a tracker I found a few years ago that I use) <BR> 5. Write in the Depression thread on SP for support <BR> 6. Journal <BR> 7. Smile <BR> 8. Be gra... Sun, 16 Nov 2014 12:07:42 EST Burger Blahs Went to Five Guys Burgers for the first time tonight. I got one without a bun (as it has dairy) and fries. The fries were delicious, but the burger wasn't all that good. I am super picky with meat. It also was TWO patties, so I ate 3/4 of one. <BR> <BR> I am realizing this vegan thing may be a lot easier than I thought! The only thing I am not happy to give up is eggs. I know I can eat eggs if I want and skip the labels, but I know where eggs come from and I can't get that out of my mind. <... Fri, 14 Nov 2014 21:05:03 EST Insomnia and Anxiety Work is becoming too much. I feel burnt out, which is laughable as I work on average 9-12 hrs a week. I am waking up for hours, tossing and turning. On days I need to go into work I feel a sense of dread. I've never been one to hold a job, depression, anxiety, stress always got in the way, until this job came along, where I've held it 2.5 years. That's a big achievement for me. I am wondering if maybe I am not meant to work the typical job and should go my own route? <BR> <BR> I am unhappy.... Mon, 10 Nov 2014 13:07:12 EST Ideas At the beginning of this year I considered making a blog about my happiness project after reading "The Happiness Project." It was a book that really inspired me. I went as far as to make a blog, but never posted anything out of fear. I even had considered signing up to write for a very popular mental health blog who was looking for writers this Summer, but also chickened out. <BR> <BR> A few weeks ago I got to thinking of how most yoga blogs and videos are always the experienced yogi teachin... Fri, 7 Nov 2014 23:33:41 EST OMG I have been flirting with the idea of vegetarianism/veganism for a while. I've watched documentaries (Vegucated, Forks Over Knives, etc), read books, watched plenty of youtube videos, etc. <BR> <BR> Today I decided to watch the documentary "Earthlings." On one hand I wish I could take back the hour and 18 minutes so I do not have to live with what I just witnessed, but on the other hand, I am grateful for an open mind and I am now more than aware of how animals are treated. <BR> <BR> I fel... Wed, 5 Nov 2014 17:29:43 EST Belly Fat & more. <img src=""> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> (Sorry for the terrible photos, I am too lazy to crop it. I did accidentally cut off my head though! Oops!!) <BR> <BR> How can I think one day I look great and the next be bothered by the "sudden appearance" of belly fat? The mind is playing tricks on me. Grrr. <em>246</em> <BR> <BR> I know cardio is the way to burn fat, so I need to up ... Wed, 5 Nov 2014 13:42:42 EST Guilt, Vegetarianism and more. As yall know I have felt great on this dairy free and gluten free diet. I have noticed though that if I eat certain foods (like corn chips with salsa and dairy free cheese) I sometimes feel guilty for having it when in fact it's probably healthier than regular nachos. I know adding more fruit and veggies to my meals are a great thing to do and I am eating a lot more than before, but I am at this point where if I don't have one or the other at every meal I feel bad about it. This isn't good. I... Fri, 31 Oct 2014 15:14:08 EST Boom boom boom! Began adding dance to my workouts today. I did 10 mins, it was really tough, so I am taking it slow. I've learned the hard way that going full on when you're not in shape will only lead to pain and misery down the road. <BR> <BR> I am reading a great book called "What Makes Olga Run?" and it's about a 93 year old woman who was a track star. It's a biography and science info mix, very interesting. I learned so much last night when I was reading it about how exercise does SO MUCH good stuff, n... Thu, 30 Oct 2014 14:01:33 EST Limited Choices. The best thing about going back to gluten-free means I am forced to eat healthier. Today's menu so far was: <BR> Breakfast: Chocolate almond milk and banana smoothie <BR> Lunch: Scrambled eggs with dairy-free cheese and a piece of gluten free toast with dairy free butter. <BR> Supper: Fruit and nut salad with gluten free dressing and a Pepsi. <BR> <BR> It was frustrating this evening to bypass everything I wanted like sushi, premade subs and sweets. I am having a hard time right now with the... Mon, 27 Oct 2014 21:36:21 EST More Gluten. I went from eating a tiny piece of English muffin the other night to having a mini dairy free ice cream bar with gluten in it. Last night I had trouble sleeping - was wide awake for 1.5 hrs! -, itchy skin, and a headache came on out of nowhere and hasn't left me. I also have felt more sluggish all day whereas before I had more energy. <BR> <BR> I just read that those are all symptoms of gluten intolerance/sensitivity. Booo. <BR> <BR> So I am going to lay off the gluten for Mon, Tues, Wed an... Sun, 26 Oct 2014 20:18:49 EST Welcome Back G. I added a small piece of sough dough English Muffin back into my diet last night. I will now wait for 72 hrs to see if there is any affect before adding more. I decided to do the gluten food before dairy as I already know some dairy bothers me, it would be good to know if there is any gluten problems. <BR> <BR> I am certainly going to continue to eat more whole foods and less processed foods. My body has never felt better. <BR> <BR> Today's supper is marinated chicken with baked potato. Yu... Fri, 24 Oct 2014 12:11:34 EST Stop! Since quitting Facebook three days ago I have blogged more on here. Spark is becoming my Facebook replacement and it has to stop. I will blog on here a few times a week, but it won't be everyday. <BR> <BR> I have been feeling so restless lately. I want to live all my dreams right now and they seem so very, very big and out of my reach. I am going through so many changes personally, I think it's really changing me into a whole new person. It's exciting and scary. <BR> <BR> Have a great wee... Thu, 23 Oct 2014 12:19:19 EST 21 Days Today. This is what 3 weeks on the diet has done: given me a non-bloated belly that is happy! <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <BR> Before (July): <BR> <img src=""> <BR> Wed, 22 Oct 2014 13:44:52 EST Things I Want To Do With These 99 Days. Write. A lot. Daily even if I can make a habit of it. <BR> <BR> In that same catagorey: Write a story for National Novel Month in November. I believe it will be my 4th time around trying to hit 50,000 words in a month - so far I have never completed it or had a decent story. <BR> <BR> Develop a cleaning habit where I sweep, vacuum, clean the bathroom, dust, do laundry, etc. on a weekly basis. <BR> <BR> Practice yoga, get limber and enjoy the benefits of consistent exercise. <em>415</em... Tue, 21 Oct 2014 22:17:49 EST The girls trip, taking a break from Facebook and the diet My trip with my friend was such a fun one despite being sick with a crummy cold. There was shopping, swimming, delicious meals, lots of laughter and chatting, a park filled with ducks and we even spotted a muskrat! <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I was surprised at how many places had veg... Mon, 20 Oct 2014 11:39:33 EST Day 15 Musings. It doesn't get easier, but you learn to adjust and appreciate what you can eat. I am discovering new foods and it is forcing me to be in the kitchen more than not. I cannot just throw something in the microwave or pick up anything from the store without a thorough scan of the ingredient list, but things are going really well. I am able to cling to the fact I have about one more week, unless I decide to go longer - which I may - and know that this experiment and experience has been a very goo... Thu, 16 Oct 2014 11:55:44 EST Week 1 Musings I am holding up a lot better than I expected. Sure I have my moments of wanting to throw a tantrum that I can't have a regular cookie or a piece of cheese, but overall I am doing pretty well. <BR> <BR> The food I miss the most is cheese. I LOVE CHEESE! The fake cheese, even the best brand Daiya, isn't even close to the real thing. It melts like real cheese, but is far from tasting like it. <BR> <BR> I am eating so much healthier and that in itself is good motivation to know I am fuelling m... Wed, 8 Oct 2014 16:16:36 EST Doctors Orders Today I was able to get allergy tested and it all came back negative. I am grateful. I was told that I have food sensitivities and intolerances and both of my options require me to overhaul my diet in a significant way. I am very overwhelmed. I know this also may be the key to making my stomach happy and not suffer from nausea, cramps, diarrhoea, constipation, etc. at any given moment. <BR> <BR> The one option is to do a elimination diet of dairy and wheat at the same for 3 weeks or more an... Wed, 1 Oct 2014 20:35:30 EST Focus. My goals: <BR> <BR> 1. Exercise I enjoy in some form 2-5 x a week for a minimum of 10 minutes. I have been experimenting with various exercise dvds from the library. Today was a "Dancing With the Stars" workout with Julianne Hough. It was fun, but too tough for a beginner. I did laugh a lot though at myself. <BR> <BR> 2. Upping servings of fruit and veg. Aiming for 5 total per day. This one is tricky, going to have to plan better. <BR> <BR> 3. Protein. Greek yogurt has been my go-to latel... Fri, 29 Aug 2014 19:16:16 EST So.Much.Feelings. When I binged ate I did it because I was protecting myself from feelings I deemed as negative: anger, hurt, sadness, frustration, embarrassment, etc. Instead of feeling overwhelmed I numbed myself. <BR> <BR> Now that coping mechanism isn't used and instead I am left feeling so much at times I want to cry and scream and hide in my bed under the covers. I try to express myself through writing in my journal, talking to my husband, and when I feel like I need to, speaking up about things on Face... Tue, 12 Aug 2014 20:04:17 EST Nice surprise. <img src=""> <BR> <BR> This is a picture of me from two days ago. (I am the human hehe) I was taken aback by what my body looked like. My mind seems to make me believe I am an elephant. I am not placing my worth on what my body looks like, but it was still a really nice surprise. Eating less processed food, more fruit/veggies, listening to my hunger and fullness cues and moving more seems to be moving me in a 'happy weight' for my body.... Tue, 12 Aug 2014 12:43:26 EST Homemade Food As someone who grew up with two amazing cooks in the family, my mom and Grandma, it has haunted me that I cannot cook to save my life. I never learned how to make a Thanksgiving dinner or make dough for pies or my Grandma's delicious soups. Sadly as my Grandma is no longer with us I cannot go to her and ask her to teach me. My mom lives 5 hrs away which makes it difficult to learn from her now. <BR> <BR> I am determined to learn to cook. It is getting to where I need to learn, it's getting ... Mon, 11 Aug 2014 12:21:46 EST A sense of peace. <img src=""> <BR> <BR> That is a picture my personal trainer/friend took of me at my first lesson the other day. I am very proud of this as I never believed my body could do what it did during that hour session. Now three days of yoga in a row and I am in love with the movement, the connection I have with myself and am excited for more. <BR> <BR> Feeling great. <BR> <BR> Have a wonderful weekend. <BR> <BR> xxx Sat, 26 Jul 2014 15:09:40 EST Lesson Learned After months of not binge eating I had a bit of an internal meltdown and ate more raw muffin mix than my intended taste-test spoonful. <BR> <BR> What I learned was this: <BR> <BR> 1. Just because I have been binge free for months does not mean I am binge free for life. <BR> 2. This incident does not take away from any of my success and progress I have made. This is not a setback. <BR> 3. In fact it taught me that I was feeling a lot of stress and pressure, some I didn't realize I had place... Tue, 22 Jul 2014 01:01:31 EST Fitness Minutes vs NEAT I ask my highly knowledgeable Spark buddies on here to tell me what the difference is. <BR> <BR> At work today I was on my feet for 5 hrs, walking back and forth, sometimes very rapidly, enough to be sweating. Also, as part of the job I do some cleaning, sometimes very vigorously (mopping, sweeping, scrubbing, etc). <BR> <BR> Now, what would this count as? <BR> <BR> And if it is not fitness minutes, what would count? Going for a walk around the block? Push ups? <BR> <BR> Also, if I am ... Sun, 20 Jul 2014 23:42:33 EST Pictures update I can only post a few pics it seems today again. I believe my camera is taking pictures at a resolution SP cannot handle which is why it "broke" again when I tired to put up more than two. They are also crazy small on here. <BR> <BR> First pic, enjoying swinging on my vacation and second is post race, posing in victory of finishing 5K. I am in the green hat. <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <img src=" Thu, 17 Jul 2014 14:07:28 EST All Bodies Are Good Bodies Completed my first 5K walk with Run or Dye this morning. Was it ever fun! I will be cleaning dye out of every place of me for the next week. <em>246</em> I didn't train, but it worked out fine. I do a lot of walking on my own time and my job is physical so I thought things would be alright and they were. My feet were super sore at the end, but most people probably felt that way. <BR> <BR> One of the best things I saw was all the differing body types. Everyone was out there to have fun and... Sat, 12 Jul 2014 14:57:42 EST Numbers. Yesterday I weighed myself. I am currently 128 lbs. Decided to run the weight report from when I joined in 2009 till today. Surprising results. I started off in Aug 2009 126 pounds and went up and down throughout the years, the biggest difference being a grand total of 9 pounds. That is what I had been beating myself over and fretting about. NINE effing pounds. <BR> <BR> I am so glad that number does not define me anymore. <BR> <BR> Here's to happiness and health at ANY size. <BR> <BR> xxx... Fri, 4 Jul 2014 00:17:32 EST Trusting Your Instincts Last night I had to sleep sitting up. Yes, you read that right. I was coughing so badly I couldn't catch my breath and couldn't even lie down for a moment before the coughing began again. I tossed and turned. My poor husband ended up on the couch. <BR> <BR> Today I went to see my own doctor, not the walk-in clinic one previously, and was told that I need to use two inhalers, one of them for a whole month to clear up this cough. I am so thankful to actually have something on hand that can be ... Wed, 18 Jun 2014 21:16:43 EST Yoga on Vacation? In 10 days I am on holidays. I am brand new to yoga, so I only have tried a few poses and watched videos for some others without attempting them. How would I bring the practice along on my travels? <BR> <BR> I will be staying at my parents for some of the time and the rest will be spent in a hotel. <BR> <BR> I don't really want to bring my laptop with to watch Youtube videos, do you think just doing a few poses I know would work? Or doing meditation instead? <BR> <BR> Should I even worry ... Mon, 16 Jun 2014 16:24:28 EST