MELLYBEANS0919's SparkPeople Blog MELLYBEANS0919's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Focus. My goals: <BR> <BR> 1. Exercise I enjoy in some form 2-5 x a week for a minimum of 10 minutes. I have been experimenting with various exercise dvds from the library. Today was a "Dancing With the Stars" workout with Julianne Hough. It was fun, but too tough for a beginner. I did laugh a lot though at myself. <BR> <BR> 2. Upping servings of fruit and veg. Aiming for 5 total per day. This one is tricky, going to have to plan better. <BR> <BR> 3. Protein. Greek yogurt has been my go-to latel... Fri, 29 Aug 2014 19:16:16 EST So.Much.Feelings. When I binged ate I did it because I was protecting myself from feelings I deemed as negative: anger, hurt, sadness, frustration, embarrassment, etc. Instead of feeling overwhelmed I numbed myself. <BR> <BR> Now that coping mechanism isn't used and instead I am left feeling so much at times I want to cry and scream and hide in my bed under the covers. I try to express myself through writing in my journal, talking to my husband, and when I feel like I need to, speaking up about things on Face... Tue, 12 Aug 2014 20:04:17 EST Nice surprise. <img src=""> <BR> <BR> This is a picture of me from two days ago. (I am the human hehe) I was taken aback by what my body looked like. My mind seems to make me believe I am an elephant. I am not placing my worth on what my body looks like, but it was still a really nice surprise. Eating less processed food, more fruit/veggies, listening to my hunger and fullness cues and moving more seems to be moving me in a 'happy weight' for my body.... Tue, 12 Aug 2014 12:43:26 EST Homemade Food As someone who grew up with two amazing cooks in the family, my mom and Grandma, it has haunted me that I cannot cook to save my life. I never learned how to make a Thanksgiving dinner or make dough for pies or my Grandma's delicious soups. Sadly as my Grandma is no longer with us I cannot go to her and ask her to teach me. My mom lives 5 hrs away which makes it difficult to learn from her now. <BR> <BR> I am determined to learn to cook. It is getting to where I need to learn, it's getting ... Mon, 11 Aug 2014 12:21:46 EST A sense of peace. <img src=""> <BR> <BR> That is a picture my personal trainer/friend took of me at my first lesson the other day. I am very proud of this as I never believed my body could do what it did during that hour session. Now three days of yoga in a row and I am in love with the movement, the connection I have with myself and am excited for more. <BR> <BR> Feeling great. <BR> <BR> Have a wonderful weekend. <BR> <BR> xxx Sat, 26 Jul 2014 15:09:40 EST Lesson Learned After months of not binge eating I had a bit of an internal meltdown and ate more raw muffin mix than my intended taste-test spoonful. <BR> <BR> What I learned was this: <BR> <BR> 1. Just because I have been binge free for months does not mean I am binge free for life. <BR> 2. This incident does not take away from any of my success and progress I have made. This is not a setback. <BR> 3. In fact it taught me that I was feeling a lot of stress and pressure, some I didn't realize I had place... Tue, 22 Jul 2014 01:01:31 EST Fitness Minutes vs NEAT I ask my highly knowledgeable Spark buddies on here to tell me what the difference is. <BR> <BR> At work today I was on my feet for 5 hrs, walking back and forth, sometimes very rapidly, enough to be sweating. Also, as part of the job I do some cleaning, sometimes very vigorously (mopping, sweeping, scrubbing, etc). <BR> <BR> Now, what would this count as? <BR> <BR> And if it is not fitness minutes, what would count? Going for a walk around the block? Push ups? <BR> <BR> Also, if I am ... Sun, 20 Jul 2014 23:42:33 EST Pictures update I can only post a few pics it seems today again. I believe my camera is taking pictures at a resolution SP cannot handle which is why it "broke" again when I tired to put up more than two. They are also crazy small on here. <BR> <BR> First pic, enjoying swinging on my vacation and second is post race, posing in victory of finishing 5K. I am in the green hat. <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <img src=" Thu, 17 Jul 2014 14:07:28 EST All Bodies Are Good Bodies Completed my first 5K walk with Run or Dye this morning. Was it ever fun! I will be cleaning dye out of every place of me for the next week. <em>246</em> I didn't train, but it worked out fine. I do a lot of walking on my own time and my job is physical so I thought things would be alright and they were. My feet were super sore at the end, but most people probably felt that way. <BR> <BR> One of the best things I saw was all the differing body types. Everyone was out there to have fun and... Sat, 12 Jul 2014 14:57:42 EST Numbers. Yesterday I weighed myself. I am currently 128 lbs. Decided to run the weight report from when I joined in 2009 till today. Surprising results. I started off in Aug 2009 126 pounds and went up and down throughout the years, the biggest difference being a grand total of 9 pounds. That is what I had been beating myself over and fretting about. NINE effing pounds. <BR> <BR> I am so glad that number does not define me anymore. <BR> <BR> Here's to happiness and health at ANY size. <BR> <BR> xxx... Fri, 4 Jul 2014 00:17:32 EST Trusting Your Instincts Last night I had to sleep sitting up. Yes, you read that right. I was coughing so badly I couldn't catch my breath and couldn't even lie down for a moment before the coughing began again. I tossed and turned. My poor husband ended up on the couch. <BR> <BR> Today I went to see my own doctor, not the walk-in clinic one previously, and was told that I need to use two inhalers, one of them for a whole month to clear up this cough. I am so thankful to actually have something on hand that can be ... Wed, 18 Jun 2014 21:16:43 EST Yoga on Vacation? In 10 days I am on holidays. I am brand new to yoga, so I only have tried a few poses and watched videos for some others without attempting them. How would I bring the practice along on my travels? <BR> <BR> I will be staying at my parents for some of the time and the rest will be spent in a hotel. <BR> <BR> I don't really want to bring my laptop with to watch Youtube videos, do you think just doing a few poses I know would work? Or doing meditation instead? <BR> <BR> Should I even worry ... Mon, 16 Jun 2014 16:24:28 EST A Different Kind of Blog Yesterday a painful thing happened. A friend of nearly 30 years cut ties with me. The reason? I disagreed with her on a facebook post. She went on to send me private messages once she deleted me from her friend list accusing me of being such a negative person, not caring about her, and telling me that I need to learn to be quiet and when to speak up. <BR> <BR> Past Melissa would have immediately gotten up after this incident and raided the cupboard. She would have sat down on the couch with... Fri, 6 Jun 2014 11:46:11 EST Yoga: Being Present I am entering yoga with the goal of staying present. Sure, I'd love to be more bendy, but at the end of the day that's not the focus for me and probably not the main focus of yoga in general. <BR> <BR> I am someone who lives too much in my head. I live in the past and future a lot more than the present. I beat myself up over what happened, asking what I could have said or done differently, running through scenarios in my head which long since happened. At night I worry about the following d... Tue, 3 Jun 2014 13:54:32 EST Love Life Today a close friend, someone who we have known for almost 3.5 years, passed away of cancer. He was 76. He was one of the nicest people I have met. Always willing to help out, such a great personality, and rarely complained despite his many ailments. I want to be him when I grow up. <BR> <BR> I am reminded of how sweet and short life is. Don't fret about losing the last 10 pounds. Don't stress over what people think of you. Don't let your fears hold you back from doing something. Life. Love... Wed, 28 May 2014 14:13:53 EST BIKINI!! <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I never in a million years believed I would wear a bikini. I would have laughed in your face even last year at the idea of it. Now I have one. I love how it looks, I feel good in it. Can't wait to wear it to the pool sometime. <BR> <BR> Yay! Mon, 26 May 2014 17:50:30 EST Bikini Quest This Summer I am going to rock a bikini. Last year I looked at them, but didn't dare wear one. I was afraid I was too fat. Now, I am like, HELL YEAH! Bring it. I believe this is the last step in accepting and loving myself fully. If I can embrace my body, especially my stomach, as it is right now, I'm golden. I have fought with my stomach all my life. Even when I was thinner, I hated it because of the large scar taking up a lot of space. It is a scar I have earned through surviving surgery as... Thu, 8 May 2014 00:14:45 EST All The Awesome When I finally broke free of the diet mentality and believing my body had to look a certain way to be loved and found beautiful everything changed. Self love and acceptance really does make things so much better. <BR> <BR> Then: I forced myself to eat fruits and vegetables because it was good for me, I needed a certain amount of servings per day to be 'good' and they were super foods and would "cure everything." <BR> <BR> Now: I eat the fruits and vegetables I like and it's not a struggle. ... Mon, 28 Apr 2014 13:18:47 EST Dreams My last status was about making my dreams a reality so I thought it would be fun to blog about it. <BR> <BR> The most achievable is to own a cat. I grew up begging for a dog all my childhood, never getting the permission from my parents. They allowed me to have two mice, who were adorable, but it wasn't the same. It is only when I moved in with my friend who had a cat that I fell in love with cats. Now my dream is to have my very own cat. It isn't as simple as going out to get one, as my pla... Sun, 20 Apr 2014 19:26:22 EST NSV: Shirts Yesterday I tried on a button up shirt that last year was too snug. This time I could comfortably button it up, it was even a bit loose in the stomach area. Being happy about that I decided to try on another button up shirt that I had to leave undone last year because my belly was too large for it to snap up. Well this time around it snapped up no problem and fit me like a glove. I was surprised to see how small my waist looked in it. <BR> <BR> I showed my husband and he asked "How are you l... Thu, 3 Apr 2014 13:42:01 EST Recent pics <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> This is what happy and confident looks like. I figured I should post some more recent pics as my profile one is almost 2 yrs old - but I love it too much to replace it. <BR> <BR> :) <BR> <BR> Sat, 29 Mar 2014 19:54:16 EST Change In Goals I have decided to put tracking on hold. I still find it too stressful and triggering. I am going to focus on the following: <BR> <BR> 1. Listening to my body <BR> <BR> The amount of food, the amount of exercise, how much sleep, etc. <BR> <BR> 2. Activity <BR> <BR> Walking (2-3x a week, 15 min) and body strength exercises (2 x a week, 15 min) to start. <BR> <BR> <BR> 3. Focusing on what my body can do and how wonderful it is. <BR> <BR> <BR> Thu, 27 Mar 2014 13:00:41 EST Bodyweight Exercises <em>320</em> <em>405</em> <em>344</em> <BR> <BR> Looking to start a strength training routine. I am planning on doing it two days a week to start off. <BR> <BR> Needing advice on what types of exercises, how to warm up and cool down properly. <BR> <BR> Thanks so much! <BR> <BR> xxx Tue, 25 Mar 2014 15:08:28 EST 3 Months Update Hello everyone! <BR> <BR> I said I was leaving for good, but alas I am back because I am a much better heads space. I am basically planning to use Spark to track my calories. I want to see how much veggies, protein and calories overall I am eating. <BR> <BR> I am feeling SO good. I love who I am. I am treating my body well. I am enjoying life. <BR> <BR> Happy to be back. <BR> <BR> xxx Tue, 18 Mar 2014 13:22:49 EST Goodbye SparkPeople After much thinking I have come to the conclusion that my time here is over. I have enjoyed my friendships I've made here and I hope that we can keep in touch by e-mail. My address is: <BR> Thank you everyone for your love and support. It has been a joy to 'meet' all of you! <BR> <BR> SparkPeople is no longer fitting the path my life is going. I am into the Healthy At Every Size movement and not concerned about my weight, counting calories or getting to a specific size.... Sat, 21 Dec 2013 14:48:44 EST I've Done It All... If you want to keep being positive and happy, feel free to skip this blog. I wont take offence :) <BR> <BR> I don't get it. At all. What more can I do to get myself to a happy, peaceful outlook with my body and health? <BR> <BR> I've.... <BR> - written in a food journal <BR> - tracked food on Spark <BR> - tracked fitness minutes <BR> - attempted spark streaks <BR> - weighed myself <BR> - taken weekly measurements <BR> - snapped photos weekly <BR> - meal planned <BR> - banned sweets from the... Sat, 16 Nov 2013 23:10:58 EST Still The Same. As I type this a bag of Halloween candy is sitting to my left. I already have eaten five pieces. Yesterday I probably ate close to fifteen. This is binge eating at it's finest. It's not a bowl of cookie dough, but it counts when you don't feel hungry yet you continue to eat. <BR> <BR> I don't know how to change my mindset to see that exercise and eating well are not punishments, another diet, another way to lose weight, but a way to show how much I love myself. I sometimes feel like it is a ... Mon, 4 Nov 2013 13:15:51 EST Skies Are Grey Fighting this depression and it isn't even October yet (well, okay it's tomorrow, so that is soon.) I am so tired. I am having moments of 'I have no reason to be sad sadness' showing up. This morning I feel like I have been hit by a truck. <BR> Thankfully I did another round of light therapy and am going to have a nap before work to charge up my batteries. Therapist session in two days, hopefully she has some good ideas on what else I can do. It's already begun and I am hating it. <BR> <BR> ... Mon, 30 Sep 2013 10:06:56 EST Sensitive Stomach (TMI) I have been dealing with stomach issues since 2008. For over a year I was sick every single day, unable to work and do everyday things. It would strike out of nowhere it seemed. I went to various specialists, got blood work done, lots of tests and in the end it was myself that thought I had figured it out. I read about lactose intolerance, the symptoms all sounded like what I had going on, and so I began to take lactose enzymes whenever I ate dairy to help digest better. Last year I went for ... Sat, 14 Sep 2013 20:26:09 EST What Does It Mean? Forgive me ahead of time if I ramble too much. It's late, I'm tired so I may not make sense. <em>211</em> I've read many times that loving your body is equal to how you take care of it. Exercise, lots of sleep, hydration, healthy foods, less stress are all positives. <BR> <BR> My question is, if you are trying to love yourself more and you continue to not exercise enough for it to make a difference, if you keep eating more junk food then you ideally should in a day, if you don't see a lot ... Wed, 11 Sep 2013 01:15:10 EST Preparing With every Fall and Winter I can expect Seasonal Affective Disorder to rear its ugly head. Personally that means craving carbs, overeating, gaining weight, fatigue, oversleeping, depression, anxiety and wanting to isolate myself from the world. Not exactly what I'd call fun. <em>211</em> <BR> <BR> September is when symptoms begin to show so this time around I have an action plan. I did some research today and wrote down a bunch of helpful tips to cope with it. <BR> <BR> Included in the ... Fri, 6 Sep 2013 17:03:22 EST Healthy Does Not Mean... You have to be a certain size or weight. It's becoming a bit of a mantra for me lately. It's so easy to get caught up in needing to have rock hard abs, fit a size 'small' and have muscles popping all over. <BR> <BR> Healthy is being able to perform activities without feeling out of breath. Healthy is your body not feeling sick and bloated. Healthy is nurturing it with plenty of sleep. Healthy is appreciating what your body does for you every single day. Healthy is becoming stronger. Healthy... Tue, 3 Sep 2013 12:30:58 EST Health Goals. 1. <link> </link> <BR> <BR> Be able to dance like that someday! <BR> <BR> 2. Be flexible like Gumby <em>405</em> Use my yoga dvd! <BR> <BR> 3. Do Zumba routines on Youtube <BR> <BR> 4. Keep making more homemade healthy meals, at least one a week <em>291</em> <em>492</em> <BR> <BR> 5. Be stronger - full body push ups, increasing weights <em>104</em> <BR> <BR> 6. Love and be kind to myself and others Fri, 30 Aug 2013 13:45:02 EST New Ways Listening to my body has been the best thing possible. I am stopping when I am satisfied. Only a few mere months ago this would have never happened. I would have overate and felt sick. I have even left dessert on the plate and put it back in the fridge for later. Miracle! <em>246</em> <BR> <BR> My body is in turn craving fruits, veggies, meats, water. Found out some green tea drink I had been having weekly was not as healthy so I switched over to carbonated fruit flavored water - it feel... Wed, 28 Aug 2013 11:45:02 EST Stronger <em>104</em> <BR> <BR> I've decided that I want to be stronger. I have two sets of dumb bells: 2 lb and 5 lb. I also know push ups help melt fat and tone up arms. My question is as a beginner how should I begin this all? I don't want to overdo it and not be able to shampoo my hair for a week <em>246</em> How many reps and sets? <BR> <BR> Do I need to stretch or warm up before hand? <BR> <BR> Thanks! Thu, 22 Aug 2013 19:05:10 EST Uncomfortable <img src=""> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Pictures of me happy and confident only a few weeks back with the exact body I currently have now. <BR> <BR> I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't like how my belly jiggles. I am frustrated by the ideal in my mind is not coming to fruition quickly enough. Patience, patience, patience. I am not supposed to be focused on appearance ... Sun, 18 Aug 2013 23:35:14 EST Check-In! How can it already be August? Where has the year gone? <BR> <BR> I got back from a 10 day vacation on Wednesday. It lived up to my expectations and beyond. It was so much fun and relaxing. I was able to go to two beaches, which is something I had been really excited about, even though it was a bit chilly. <BR> <BR> A few months before this trip I spent lots of time worrying about my appearance. I considered doing things to lose weight that would not be seen as treating myself kindly in the... Fri, 2 Aug 2013 15:22:09 EST Intutive Eating If you can do the math it has only been a few weeks since my last post, not months like I said it would be. <em>334</em> <BR> <BR> Upon discovering IE a while ago, I finally on a whim picked up a book on it on the weekend, devoured it and now am on my way to eating intuitively! <BR> <BR> No more counting calories, writing down what I eat, counting fat, carbs, protein, punishing myself with exercise, feeling guilty about what I eat...a new life is beginning and I am really happy and exci... Tue, 25 Jun 2013 16:09:10 EST Update. Hello! Hope everyone's Summer is coming along nicely. The weather here has been so beautiful. <em>67</em> Almost 2 months since I left here. Things have been going a lot better for me. I feel a lot more in control of my eating and my emotions. The best part is I am happy. I was too focused on losing weight, counting calories, exercising streaks. I needed to focus on the emotional side of things, not the physical. <BR> <BR> I was contacted by a spark buddy a few days ago asking if I am goi... Sat, 8 Jun 2013 15:05:52 EST Goodbye After much thinking I've decided I am going to take a hiatus from here. It's not something I currently can see myself using to become healthier, and I mean in all areas of my life. <BR> I have appreciated all your love and support throughout the years. I am grateful to all the teams, I've found so much goodness in the people on here. <BR> I need to step back and regroup. <BR> If you'd like to keep in touch please shoot me an e-mail. My address is <BR> <BR> I'd love to ke... Fri, 12 Apr 2013 00:19:01 EST "Hit The Road Jack... And don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more!" <BR> <BR> Depression is hitting hard. I feel overwhelmed. I have been blissfully living my life, happy, and it shows up unannounced. It is a shadow that hovers overhead, threatening to continue to envelop me. I have been through this whole routine before, it's a tiring one. <BR> <BR> I am so good at masking how I feel, I can keep this a secret - at least for a while until I begin to breakdown and it becomes too much to handle alo... Wed, 20 Feb 2013 11:10:52 EST Taking A Break I have come to realize that no amount of counting calories, exercising, reading about nutrition facts, fitness motivational photos and quotes is going to help me feel better until I seek help for some emotional issues. I don't want to keep going in an endless cycle and feeling disappointed every time I "fail" (and I don't believe that is the case now) at reaching my goals. <BR> <BR> I am going to be looking into counseling. <BR> <BR> Love you all and will check in periodically to keep up & ... Wed, 6 Feb 2013 23:04:36 EST Healthy Lifestyle Questionaire Found this on GIANTMICROBE's page. <BR> <BR> 1. What did you eat for breakfast? <BR> <BR> I haven't had anything yet, but plan on either a banana peanut butter smoothie or oatmeal with banana, peanut butter, shredded coconut and almond milk. <BR> <BR> 2. How much water do you drink a day? <BR> <BR> Not enough. There are days I gulp it down like a camel, and others I struggle to get a few glasses in. <BR> <BR> 3. What is your current favorite workout? <BR> <BR> A mix of Blogilates, Tone ... Mon, 28 Jan 2013 10:49:39 EST Motivation At It's Finest March 2012: <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> June 2012: <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> September 2012: <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> December 2012: <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> When I saw them last night, as I was searching for what will become my 'before' photos, I was hit hard.... Thu, 17 Jan 2013 11:01:20 EST Challenge Update The Love Your Body challenge has been so encouraging and exactly what I need(ed). <BR> <BR> I am not posting as much on here as I am being kept busy with checking in with the TIU community and staying on top of challenges and workouts. <BR> <BR> If I had to grade myself I'd give myself a A+ for effort, B for drinking water (some days I can guzzle it and other days it's a struggle), B- for working out, and A for my eating. My A for eating is not because I have been 100% with it, but becaus... Tue, 8 Jan 2013 11:38:14 EST 6.5 Weeks The Love Your Body challenge officially began yesterday, but by the time I got home from work, ate and relaxed it was time for bed. Soooo it starts today for me. Yay! <BR> <BR> Things To Do TODAY: <BR> <BR> - write down 2013 resolutions <BR> - list 5 things you love about your body <BR> - print out January calendar <BR> -Take before photos <BR> - come up with a big reward for sticking with it <BR> <BR> Things to do every day: <BR> <BR> -complete each workout daily <BR> - check in with TIU... Wed, 2 Jan 2013 11:41:58 EST My Pumpkin Pie Oatmeal Recipe 1/2 cup dry oats <BR> Splash of milk <BR> Dash of cinnamon <BR> Splash of vanilla extract <BR> 1 tsp brown sugar <BR> 1/3 cup canned pumpkin <BR> <BR> Mixed all together & heat. <BR> <BR> YUM!! <BR> <BR> Tue, 1 Jan 2013 12:08:05 EST Oh sh*t this is scary I am joining a 6 week challenge starting January 1 running to Feb 14. <BR> <BR> I am SO ready. <BR> <BR> I am also terrified. <BR> <BR> BUT! <BR> <BR> I want this. I can taste it. I can see it. I have the tools. I have the knowledge. I have the desire. I want to do this for me. <BR> <BR> A few more days and I will be jumping in head first, and taking myself on a journey I have never been on. <BR> <BR> I WILL DO THIS dammit. Enough hoping, wishing, dreaming - now to BE and DO <BR> <BR> ... Thu, 27 Dec 2012 16:29:11 EST Merry Christmas! & Goals for 2013! Back home from my holiday fun. It was wonderful. <em>334</em> <BR> <BR> As expected there was so much food and it was all so tempting...and I ate a lot. I weighed myself when I was there and I am officially 128, which was a big surprise because I expected to be A LOT more. That made me very happy! <BR> <BR> Goals met: <BR> -exercise 2 days <BR> - drink lots of water <BR> - didn't take seconds at meals <BR> <BR> Goals not met: <BR> - pop (I only drank half a can, it didn't even taste g... Tue, 25 Dec 2012 15:10:50 EST On The Road Again Leaving for my parents tonight. Packed an apple, dates & a Fiber 1 bar for snacks. I re-read my 'holiday plan' and I intend to stick with it. <BR> <BR> It dawned on me yesterday I haven't put brown sugar in my oatmeal for weeks. That made me happy! <BR> <BR> Will think of goals for next year and blog when we are back home. <BR> <BR> <em>253</em> Thu, 20 Dec 2012 12:03:21 EST