MARYJOANNA's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=MARYJOANNA MARYJOANNA's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ FUNNIES FOR FRIDAY http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6240498 <BR> <BR> When is a door not a door? <BR> When it is ajar. <BR> <BR> How do bulls drive cars? <BR> They steer them. <BR> <BR> What is the lighthouse keeper's favorite instrument? <BR> The foghorn. <BR> <BR> What is the hardest thing about learning to ride a bike? <BR> The pavement. Fri, 23 Sep 2016 07:40:46 EST WORDS TO LIVE BY http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6239451 <BR> <BR> We can complain because rose bushes have thorns or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses. Wed, 21 Sep 2016 05:21:47 EST WORDS TO LIVE BY http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6239450 <BR> <BR> We can complain because rose bushes have thorns or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses. Wed, 21 Sep 2016 05:21:45 EST TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6234380 DINING OUT <BR> <BR> 1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. <BR> <BR> 2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs. <BR> Mon, 12 Sep 2016 05:38:40 EST DISCOVERY http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6232097 <BR> OMG, I have finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: On the left side, there <BR> is nothing right, and on the right side there is nothing left. Thu, 8 Sep 2016 05:17:46 EST SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6230865 <BR> <BR> <BR> Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check! Tue, 6 Sep 2016 05:10:26 EST TUESDAY FUNNY http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6226897 <BR> This is a frightening statistic; probably one of the most worrisome recent in years. <BR> <BR> 25 % of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That's scary! <BR> <BR> It means 75% are running around untreated! Tue, 30 Aug 2016 05:22:12 EST CLEANING THE ATTIC http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6225206 <BR> While cleaning the attic, Joan and Harry found an old stub for some shoes they left at the repair shop 10 years ago. They thought it would be funny to go to the shop and see if the shoes were still there. So they did. <BR> <BR> They handed the stub to the cobbler who took it and looked in the back. He came out and said, "They'll be ready on Wednesday." <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> . Sat, 27 Aug 2016 05:11:38 EST THE PROPHET http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6222913 A young woman stepped forward from the throng and asked, "O" great prophet, tell us how we might find love that is unconditional, unwavering and unending. "The prophet did not answer right away. He looked off into the distance, gathering his thoughts. Silence descended upon the crowd. Then he turned his gaze upon the young woman and said, "Get a dog." <BR> <BR> <BR> Kahlil Gibran Tue, 23 Aug 2016 05:14:06 EST INTERESTING THOUGHT http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6221757 <BR> <BR> <BR> There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works. Sun, 21 Aug 2016 05:28:29 EST FOOD FOR THOUGHT http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6220095 <BR> <BR> <BR> In a perfect world every dog would have a home <BR> and every home would have a dog. Thu, 18 Aug 2016 05:29:46 EST FOOD FOR THOUGHT http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6214095 <BR> <BR> <BR> "When someone tells you something defies description, you can be pretty <BR> <BR> sure he's going to have a go at it anyway." <BR> <BR> <BR> Clyde Aster Mon, 8 Aug 2016 05:40:09 EST QUESTION http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6213072 <BR> <BR> Why do you press harder on the remote, when you know the battery is dead. Sat, 6 Aug 2016 05:45:58 EST UNTITLED http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6211939 <BR> <BR> <BR> I don't call my bathroom 'The John' anymore. Instead I call mine <BR> 'The Jim'. Sounds more impressive when I honestly say, "My first stop <BR> every morning is 'The Jim'". Thu, 4 Aug 2016 05:16:20 EST UNTITLED http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6210136 <BR> <BR> If at first you don't succeed, just redefine success. Mon, 1 Aug 2016 05:20:20 EST UNTITLED http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6207981 <BR> <BR> Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh. Thu, 28 Jul 2016 05:11:30 EST THOUGHT FOR THE DAY http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6201285 <BR> <BR> <BR> Friends are the flowers in the garden of life. Sat, 16 Jul 2016 05:01:55 EST LAUGHTER http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6190954 <BR> <BR> I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish. <BR> <BR> If you can understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2. <BR> (Recording on an Australian tax help line.) <BR> Tue, 28 Jun 2016 05:17:59 EST CLEVER SAYINGS ON T-SHIRTS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6182494 <BR> 1. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web. <BR> <BR> 2. Exercise? I thought you said EXTRA FRIES. <BR> <BR> 3. DON'T GROW UP--It's a trap. <BR> <BR> 4. So if a redhead goes crazy, Is it called Ginger snaps? <BR> <BR> 5. Every time I think things can'tget any worse, THERE'S AN ELECTION. Tue, 14 Jun 2016 05:07:27 EST YOU GOTTA LAUGH http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6179445 <BR> <BR> Two cows standing in a field: <BR> Cow 1: Are you worried about mad cow disease? <BR> <BR> Cow 2: Why would I? I'm a helicopter! <BR> <BR> <BR> Question: What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards? <BR> Answer: A receding hare line. <BR> <BR> Thu, 9 Jun 2016 05:24:12 EST SOMETHING GOOD CAME OUT OF AN ACCIDENT http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6167934 When I pause to reflect on my journey to healing from a fall April 12, I can't help but think of my church friends, and people in our apartment complex who showered me with phone calls, cards and food. It was overwhelming! Not only am I thankful for that, but in the course of six weeks I have lost 6 pounds! I had little appetite and filled up fast. <em>244</em> I am so pleased! Sun, 22 May 2016 05:15:36 EST THOUGHT FOR THE DAY http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6162572 <BR> <BR> WORRY DOES NOT EMPTY TOMORROW OF ITS SORROW; <BR> <BR> IT EMPTIES TODAY OF ITS STRENGTH. <BR> <BR> <BR> Corrie Ten Boom Sat, 14 May 2016 04:52:54 EST ONE MONTH ANNIVERSARY http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6159848 One month ago I was operated on to repair a broken leg. I am so pleased with my progress. I am able to walk with my walker a bit and I went to church for the first time Sunday. I have an appointment on the 24th with my surgeon. Praise God! Tue, 10 May 2016 05:20:47 EST BROKEN LEG http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6144864 I fell in the house on Tuesday and broke my right leg. In 2010 I tripped in the hospital and broke my right ankle so am keeping everything on the right side. Ha! I came home on Saturday and there is nothing like being in your home! I have home healthcare so things should be fine.. Mon, 18 Apr 2016 10:51:02 EST TOOTING MY HORN http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6132227 <BR> I have to give a shout-out to me. Today is my birthday and I am 79 years young! I don't feel my age nor do I look it. I am healthy with no diabetes or arthritis. This is the day the Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it! Fri, 1 Apr 2016 05:19:59 EST POLICE http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6124883 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, That's right.' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?' Tue, 22 Mar 2016 05:05:29 EST ELDERLY http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6119575 <BR> While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly, I used to take my 4 year old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she mwewly turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!' Tue, 15 Mar 2016 05:24:33 EST NUDITY http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6116552 <BR> A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" Fri, 11 Mar 2016 05:16:25 EST LAUGHTER http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6113119 <BR> <BR> A defendant isn't happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time. <BR> Judge: "Where do you work?" <BR> Defendant: "Here and there." <BR> Judge: "What do you do for a living?" <BR> Defendant: "This and that." <BR> Judge: "Take him away." <BR> Defendant: "Wait; when will I get out?" <BR> Judge: "Sooner or later." <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Mon, 7 Mar 2016 05:23:34 EST REFLECTION http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6110845 <BR> <BR> <BR> When you flee temptation don't leave a forwarding address! Fri, 4 Mar 2016 05:03:41 EST THE PROPHET http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6106519 A young woman stepped forward from the throng and asked, "O' great prophet, tell us how we <BR> might find love that is unconditional, unwavering and unending." The prophet did not answer right away. He looked off into the distance, gathering his thoughts. Silence descended upon the crowd. Then he turned his gaze upon the young woman and said, get a dog." <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> by Kahlil Gibran Sun, 28 Feb 2016 05:12:43 EST YOUR MONTHLY PUN-ISHMENT http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6103471 <BR> A tiger was walking through the jungle one day and saw two men relaxing under a tree. <BR> One was reading a newspaper, and the other was working feverishly on a manual typewriter. <BR> <BR> The tiger leapt on the man with the newspaper, and ate him up. The tiger did not bother <BR> the other man at all. That's because any predator knows that readers digest but writers cramp.. <BR> Wed, 24 Feb 2016 05:04:42 EST DEFINITION: BABY http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6100313 <BR> <BR> A loud noise at oneend and no responsibility at the other. Sat, 20 Feb 2016 05:18:22 EST REFLECTIONS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6097875 <BR> <BR> <BR> THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST <BR> WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS. <BR> <BR> 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That's scary! <BR> It means 75% are running around untreated. <BR> Wed, 17 Feb 2016 05:09:25 EST OMG http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6096182 <BR> <BR> I have finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: On the left side there <BR> <BR> is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left. <BR> Mon, 15 Feb 2016 05:33:22 EST PERKS OF REACHING 60 OR BEING OVER 70 AND HEADING TOWARDS 80! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6094080 <BR> Kidnappers are not very interested in you. <BR> In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. <BR> Things you buy won't wear out. <BR> You can live without sex but not your glasses. <BR> You can't remember who sent you this list. <BR> People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. <BR> No one expects you to run----anywhere. <BR> You can eat supper at 5 PM. <BR> AND YOU NOTICE THESE ARE ALL IN BIG PRINT FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE. <BR... Fri, 12 Feb 2016 05:40:24 EST UNTITLED http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6092421 <BR> <BR> Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish, <BR> <BR> and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. Wed, 10 Feb 2016 05:21:01 EST KIDS; KETCHUP http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6090623 <BR> <BR> A woman was trying hard to get the tomato sauce out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4 year old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting he bottle.' Mon, 8 Feb 2016 05:41:28 EST KIDS-DRESS-UP http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6089041 <BR> <BR> A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' <BR> 'And why not, darling?' <BR> 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.' <BR> <BR> <BR> Sat, 6 Feb 2016 05:08:46 EST SHAME ON HER http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6086483 Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor os the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain silence. <BR> <BR> She made a mistake, however, when she accused Elmer, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Elmer (and several others) that everyone se... Wed, 3 Feb 2016 05:55:32 EST KIDS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6084505 <BR> <BR> OPINIONS <BR> <BR> <BR> On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. <BR> <BR> The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his <BR> <BR> parents.' <BR> Mon, 1 Feb 2016 05:17:58 EST SUBJECT: KIDS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6082855 BIBLE <BR> <BR> A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!' Sat, 30 Jan 2016 05:27:25 EST SCHOOL http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6081196 <BR> <BR> A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she <BR> said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!' Thu, 28 Jan 2016 05:22:28 EST KIDS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6076787 NUDITY <BR> <BR> I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5 year old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!" Sat, 23 Jan 2016 05:32:57 EST DRIVING ETIQUETTE http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6073336 <BR> 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. <BR> <BR> 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. <BR> <BR> 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. Tue, 19 Jan 2016 05:25:36 EST WORDISMS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6070724 <BR> 1. ACCORDIONATED-Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time. <BR> <BR> 2. DIMP-A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?" <BR> <BR> 3. PETROPHOBIC-One who is embarrassed to undress in front of the household pet. <BR> <BR> 4. NEONPHANCY-A neon light that is struggling to come to life. <BR> <BR> 5. CATERPALLOR-The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. Sat, 16 Jan 2016 05:53:55 EST REFLECTIONS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6069046 <BR> <BR> <BR> When you flee temptation don't leave a forwarding address. Thu, 14 Jan 2016 05:21:37 EST YOU MIGHT BE A BLUENECK IF... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6067338 Rednecks have cousins up north, Are northerners "bluenecks"? <BR> <BR> Two or more people aren't "y'all," you call them "you guys." <BR> <BR> You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores. <BR> <BR> You would never wear pink or an applique` sweatshirt. <BR> <BR> You can do laundry without quarters. <BR> <BR> You have never planned your vacation around a gun and knife show. Tue, 12 Jan 2016 05:25:13 EST REFLECTIONS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6064584 <BR> <BR> This is a great time to sit back and reflect on the memories you made this past year .What lessons have you learned? How did you grow? How do you plan to use that growth to develop yourself in 2016? <BR> Sat, 9 Jan 2016 05:43:32 EST FOOD FOR THOUGHT http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6060762 <BR> <BR> <BR> Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. Tue, 5 Jan 2016 05:46:29 EST