MARYJOANNA's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=MARYJOANNA MARYJOANNA's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ KIDS; KETCHUP http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6090623 <BR> <BR> A woman was trying hard to get the tomato sauce out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4 year old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting he bottle.' Mon, 8 Feb 2016 05:41:28 EST KIDS-DRESS-UP http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6089041 <BR> <BR> A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' <BR> 'And why not, darling?' <BR> 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.' <BR> <BR> <BR> Sat, 6 Feb 2016 05:08:46 EST SHAME ON HER http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6086483 Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor os the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain silence. <BR> <BR> She made a mistake, however, when she accused Elmer, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Elmer (and several others) that everyone se... Wed, 3 Feb 2016 05:55:32 EST KIDS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6084505 <BR> <BR> OPINIONS <BR> <BR> <BR> On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. <BR> <BR> The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his <BR> <BR> parents.' <BR> Mon, 1 Feb 2016 05:17:58 EST SUBJECT: KIDS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6082855 BIBLE <BR> <BR> A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!' Sat, 30 Jan 2016 05:27:25 EST SCHOOL http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6081196 <BR> <BR> A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she <BR> said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!' Thu, 28 Jan 2016 05:22:28 EST KIDS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6076787 NUDITY <BR> <BR> I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5 year old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!" Sat, 23 Jan 2016 05:32:57 EST DRIVING ETIQUETTE http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6073336 <BR> 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. <BR> <BR> 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. <BR> <BR> 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. Tue, 19 Jan 2016 05:25:36 EST WORDISMS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6070724 <BR> 1. ACCORDIONATED-Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time. <BR> <BR> 2. DIMP-A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?" <BR> <BR> 3. PETROPHOBIC-One who is embarrassed to undress in front of the household pet. <BR> <BR> 4. NEONPHANCY-A neon light that is struggling to come to life. <BR> <BR> 5. CATERPALLOR-The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. Sat, 16 Jan 2016 05:53:55 EST REFLECTIONS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6069046 <BR> <BR> <BR> When you flee temptation don't leave a forwarding address. Thu, 14 Jan 2016 05:21:37 EST YOU MIGHT BE A BLUENECK IF... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6067338 Rednecks have cousins up north, Are northerners "bluenecks"? <BR> <BR> Two or more people aren't "y'all," you call them "you guys." <BR> <BR> You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores. <BR> <BR> You would never wear pink or an applique` sweatshirt. <BR> <BR> You can do laundry without quarters. <BR> <BR> You have never planned your vacation around a gun and knife show. Tue, 12 Jan 2016 05:25:13 EST REFLECTIONS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6064584 <BR> <BR> This is a great time to sit back and reflect on the memories you made this past year .What lessons have you learned? How did you grow? How do you plan to use that growth to develop yourself in 2016? <BR> Sat, 9 Jan 2016 05:43:32 EST FOOD FOR THOUGHT http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6060762 <BR> <BR> <BR> Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. Tue, 5 Jan 2016 05:46:29 EST JUST A THOUGHT http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6053758 <BR> <BR> There comes a time in your life when you walk away from all drama and those who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh; Love the people that treat you right and pray for the one's who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is part of life; getting back up is living. <BR> <BR> <BR> Anonymous Mon, 28 Dec 2015 05:11:33 EST Food FORTHOUGHT http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6049667 <BR> <BR> <BR> Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins. Sat, 19 Dec 2015 07:33:22 EST UNTITLED http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6049229 <BR> <BR> Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. Fri, 18 Dec 2015 07:14:13 EST WORDISMS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6048234 1. ACCORDIONATED Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time. <BR> <BR> 2. DIMP A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking,"Do you work here?" <BR> <BR> 3. BURGACIDE When hamburger can't take anymore torture and hurls itself through the grill into coals. <BR> <BR> 4. NEONPHANCY A neon light that is struggling to come to life. <BR> <BR> 5. DOPELER EFFECT The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at rapidly. <BR> <BR> 6. BEELZE... Wed, 16 Dec 2015 05:28:01 EST FOOD FOR THOUGHT http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6047715 <BR> <BR> <BR> "A lie has speed, but truth has endurance." <BR> <BR> <BR> Edgar J. Mohn <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Tue, 15 Dec 2015 05:31:46 EST YOUR MONTHLY PUN-ISHMENT http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6047177 <BR> A tiger was walking through the jungle one day and saw two men relaxing under a tree. One was reading a newspaper, and the other was working feverishly on a manual type-writer. <BR> <BR> The tiger leapt on the man with the newspaper, and ate him up. The tiger did not bother the other man at all. That's because amy predator knows that readers digest but writers cramp. <BR> Mon, 14 Dec 2015 05:54:43 EST THE BLAME GAME http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6045768 <BR> If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant. <BR> <BR> If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames <BR> the tobacco company. <BR> <BR> If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. <BR> <BR> If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer. <BR> <BR> I must have lived too long to understand the world anymore. Fri, 11 Dec 2015 07:20:26 EST QUESTION OF THE DAY http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6045203 <BR> <BR> Who is winding your clock today? Is it you, is it someone else, or <BR> is it the ONE in charge of designing it to begin with? Thu, 10 Dec 2015 05:12:45 EST WHO READS NEWSPAPERS! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6044128 <BR> 1. The Wall Street Journal is read by people who run the country. <BR> <BR> 2. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if <BR> they could spare the time. <BR> <BR> 3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country. <BR> <BR> 4. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents ised to run the country. <BR> Tue, 8 Dec 2015 05:28:51 EST FOOD FOR THOUGHT http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6041013 <BR> <BR> <BR> A closed mouth gathers no foot. Wed, 2 Dec 2015 05:16:32 EST ANIMAL THOUGHTS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6038866 <BR> <BR> <BR> A dogs head tilt is kryptonite to humans. We're powerless to it. Sat, 28 Nov 2015 05:46:14 EST HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6037535 <BR> <BR> <BR> Today I had to share with all my SP friends. Today is my 54th wedding <BR> anniversary! <em>244</em> Wed, 25 Nov 2015 05:42:22 EST THE PROPHET http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6037020 <BR> A young woman stepped forward from the throng and asked, "O' great <BR> prophet, tell us how we might find love that is unconditional, unwavering and unending." <BR> The prophet did not answer right away. He looked off into the distance, gathering his <BR> thoughts. Silence descended upon the crowd. Then he turned his gaze upon the young <BR> woman and said, "Get a dog." <BR> <BR> <BR> by Kahlil Gobran Tue, 24 Nov 2015 05:30:43 EST LOST IN TRANSLATION http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6034561 When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, it's ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the Spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant." <BR> <BR> Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off." <BR> <BR> In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi ... Thu, 19 Nov 2015 05:44:04 EST WISDOM - FROM THE MANUAL http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6032866 <BR> <BR> "If the enemy is in range, so are you." <BR> Infantry Journal <BR> <BR> "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." <BR> U.S. Air Force Manual <BR> <BR> "Any ship can be a minesweeper..Once." <BR> <BR> "Five second fuses only last three seconds." <BR> Infantry Journal <BR> <BR> ... Mon, 16 Nov 2015 05:39:41 EST QUESTION? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6030778 <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Why do you press harder on the remote <BR> <BR> when you know the battery is dead? <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Thu, 12 Nov 2015 05:27:52 EST QUOTE http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6029064 <BR> <BR> <BR> "When someone tells you something defies description, <BR> you can be sure he's going to have a go at it anyway." <BR> <BR> <BR> Clyde Aster Mon, 9 Nov 2015 05:38:55 EST ENGLISH NOTICES AROUND THE WORLD-ROUGH TRANSLATIONS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6025130 In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: <BR> Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. <BR> <BR> In an Acapulco hotel: <BR> The manager has personally passed all the water served here. <BR> <BR> In a Rome laundry: <BR> Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. <BR> <BR> In a Tokyo shop: <BR> Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. <BR> <BR> TWO SIGNS FROM A MAJORCAN SHOP ENTRANCE: <BR> English well talking. <BR... Mon, 2 Nov 2015 05:36:36 EST UNTITLED http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6022392 <BR> <BR> <BR> Baby: <BR> <BR> A loud noise at one end and <BR> <BR> no responsibility at the other. Wed, 28 Oct 2015 05:23:30 EST TOOLS FOR LIVING A HEALTHY WAY http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6016833 <BR> 1. MOTIVATING STRATEGY <BR> What's my reward? <BR> <BR> 2. REFRAMING <BR> What does that get me? <BR> <BR> 3. MENTAL REHEARSING <BR> Practice! Practice! Practice! <BR> <BR> 4. EMPOWERING BELIEFS <BR> I can and I am worth it! Sun, 18 Oct 2015 05:28:25 EST ONCE MISUNDERSTOOD, ALWAYS REMEMBERED http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6014726 When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say the Lord's Prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and our daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses..." My husband and I always have a good laugh over this for the last 50 years. <BR> <BR> My son, who is in nursery school says, "Our Father. who art in heaven, how didja know my name?" <BR> <BR> When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation."... Wed, 14 Oct 2015 05:40:03 EST ONCE MISUNDERSTOOD, ALWAYS REMEMBERED http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6014725 When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say the Lord's Prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and our daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses..." My husband and I always have a good laugh over this for the last 50 years. <BR> <BR> My son, who is in nursery school says, "Our Father. who art in heaven, how didja know my name?" <BR> <BR> When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation."... Wed, 14 Oct 2015 05:40:02 EST UNTITLED http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6013527 <BR> <BR> <BR> Duck tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side <BR> <BR> and it holds the universe together. <em>431</em> Mon, 12 Oct 2015 05:09:42 EST YOU GOTTA LAUGH! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6011401 <BR> <BR> One day the devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game. <BR> Smiling, the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance. I have <BR> Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle and all the greatest players up here." <BR> "Yes," snickered the devil, but I have all the umpires." Thu, 8 Oct 2015 05:24:32 EST INTERESTING OBSERVATION http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6009503 <BR> <BR> "When someone tells you something defies description, <BR> <BR> you can be sure he's going to have a go at it anyway." <BR> <BR> ___Clyde Aster Mon, 5 Oct 2015 05:23:17 EST A PLAY ON WORDS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6007174 <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray <BR> <BR> is now a seasoned veteran. Thu, 1 Oct 2015 05:27:46 EST YOU MIGHT BE A BLUENECK IF... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6004757 <BR> <BR> 1. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun and knife show. <BR> <BR> 2. You can do laundry without quarters. <BR> <BR> 3. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make them. <BR> <BR> 4. Two or more people aren't "y'all," you call them "you guys." <BR> <BR> 5. You don't have any caps in your closet that advertise feed stores. <BR> <BR> <BR> ... Sun, 27 Sep 2015 05:44:18 EST FOOD FOR THOUGHT http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6000610 <BR> <BR> <BR> THE BEST WAY <BR> to get rid of <BR> DARKNESS <BR> is to <BR> EXPOSE IT <BR> to... Sun, 20 Sep 2015 07:12:04 EST SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5998933 <BR> <BR> <BR> CHANGING OUR THINKING <BR> -learning to think the way God thinks about every situation- <BR> IS ONE OF THE FOUNDATIONAL THINGS <BR> that must take place in order to experience <BR> real transformation in our lives. <BR> <BR> <BR> Joyce Meyer Thu, 17 Sep 2015 05:17:23 EST FOOD FOR THOUGHT http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5997013 <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> WE CANNOT ALWAYS CONTROL OUR CIRCUMSTANCES, <BR> <BR> BUT WE CAN TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR ATTITUDES <BR> <BR> <BR> AND HOW WE THINK ABOUT OUR SITUATIONS IN LIFE. Mon, 14 Sep 2015 05:36:43 EST FOOD FOR THOUGHT http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5995820 <BR> <BR> GOD CREATES US ALL DIFFERENTLY ON PURPOSE. <BR> <BR> <BR> Joyce Meyer <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Sat, 12 Sep 2015 05:02:00 EST YOU GOTTA LAUGH http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5993200 <BR> <BR> <BR> Q: Who worries that his uniform makes him look fat? <BR> A: An insecurity guard. <BR> <BR> Q: What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? <BR> A: an Irrelephant. <BR> <BR> Q: What do you call a fake noodle? <BR> A: An impasta. Tue, 8 Sep 2015 06:52:13 EST SIGNS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5987831 <BR> In a Podiatrist's office: <BR> TIME WOUNDS ALL HEELS. <BR> <BR> At a Car Dealership: <BR> The best way to get back on your feet-miss a car payment. <BR> <BR> On a Septic Truck: <BR> Yesterday's Meals on Wheels <BR> <BR> At a Chicago Radiator Shop: <BR> Best place in town to take a leak Mon, 31 Aug 2015 05:48:01 EST SIGNS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5987830 <BR> In a Podiatrist's office: <BR> TIME WOUNDS ALL HEELS. <BR> <BR> At a Car Dealership: <BR> The best way to get back on your feet-miss a car payment. <BR> <BR> On a Septic Truck: <BR> Yesterday's Meals on Wheels <BR> <BR> At a Chicago Radiator Shop: <BR> Best place in town to take a leak Mon, 31 Aug 2015 05:47:54 EST SIGNS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5987829 <BR> In a Podiatrist's office: <BR> TIME WOUNDS ALL HEELS. <BR> <BR> At a Car Dealership: <BR> The best way to get back on your feet-miss a car payment. <BR> <BR> On a Septic Truck: <BR> Yesterday's Meals on Wheels <BR> <BR> At a Chicago Radiator Shop: <BR> Best place in town to take a leak Mon, 31 Aug 2015 05:47:51 EST SIGNS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5987828 <BR> In a Podiatrist's office: <BR> TIME WOUNDS ALL HEELS. <BR> <BR> At a Car Dealership: <BR> The best way to get back on your feet-miss a car payment. <BR> <BR> On a Septic Truck: <BR> Yesterday's Meals on Wheels <BR> <BR> At a Chicago Radiator Shop: <BR> Best place in town to take a leak Mon, 31 Aug 2015 05:47:49 EST SIGNS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5987827 <BR> In a Podiatrist's office: <BR> TIME WOUNDS ALL HEELS. <BR> <BR> At a Car Dealership: <BR> The best way to get back on your feet-miss a car payment. <BR> <BR> On a Septic Truck: <BR> Yesterday's Meals on Wheels <BR> <BR> At a Chicago Radiator Shop: <BR> Best place in town to take a leak Mon, 31 Aug 2015 05:47:43 EST