MARYJOANNA's SparkPeople Blog MARYJOANNA's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community FIFTIES FASHION DO NOT GO TOGETHER AND SHOULD BE BE AVOIDED; <BR> 1. A nose ring and bifocals <BR> <BR> 2. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor <BR> <BR> 3. A pierced tongue and dentures <BR> <BR> 4. Spiked hair and bald spots <BR> <BR> 5. Bikinis and liver spots <BR> <BR> 6. Ankle bracelets and corn pads <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Tue, 8 Jul 2014 05:32:27 EST GOD BLESS YOU <BR> <BR> While waiting to have a prescription filled, my 3 year-old granddaughter <BR> <BR> pointed to a box of tissues and in the sweetest most innocent voice asked me, <BR> <BR> "Are those for God bless you's 'Cause I need to wipe my nose from crying so <BR> <BR> much at the doctor." Fri, 4 Jul 2014 05:22:17 EST PUNNY SIGNAGE On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." <BR> <BR> On a maternity room door: 'PUSH. PUSH.PUSH." <BR> <BR> On a plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." <BR> <BR> In the waiting room of a plastic surgeon: "We can help you pick your nose." <BR> <BR> On a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming." Mon, 30 Jun 2014 13:58:28 EST YOU KNOW YOUR GETTING OLD WHEN... you and your teeth don't sleep together <BR> all you want for your birthday is not to be reminded of your age <BR> you wake up looking like your driver's license picture <BR> your pharmacist is your new best friend <BR> most of the time it takes two tries to get up from the couch <BR> your idea of weight lifting is standing up <BR> Thu, 26 Jun 2014 05:23:07 EST QUESTION <BR> <BR> <BR> Is there another word for synonym? Sat, 21 Jun 2014 05:39:34 EST YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN! <BR> <BR> <BR> The game of life is not so much in holding a good hand <BR> <BR> as playing a poor hand well--- <BR> <BR> H.T. Leslie Wed, 11 Jun 2014 08:13:56 EST CRACK ON THE COUNTER <BR> <BR> <BR> Crack eggs on a flat surface, not the edge of the bowl, and you'll <BR> be less likely to get bits of the shell in your food. Thu, 5 Jun 2014 05:58:12 EST LIFE POINT <BR> <BR> <BR> Your problem is not your problem. It's your attitude toward your <BR> <BR> problem that's the problem. Tue, 20 May 2014 05:27:53 EST FOOD FOR THOUGHT <BR> <BR> <BR> Why do they call it The Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Tue, 13 May 2014 08:19:39 EST FUNNY THOUGHTS WITH ATTITUDE <BR> Do you ever wonder abut those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little <BR> bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. <BR> <BR> Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to <BR> begin with? <BR> <BR> It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in <BR> the supermarket express lane. <BR> <BR> If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? Wed, 7 May 2014 07:18:04 EST VACATION <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> I WILL BE ON VCATION FOR ONE WEEK! Fri, 25 Apr 2014 06:34:33 EST DUH <BR> This Chinese fellow walks into a bar with a huge colorful parrot on <BR> his shoulder. "Wow", says the bartender, "where did you get that?" <BR> "From China", answered the parrot, "they've got tons of them there!" Wed, 9 Apr 2014 05:39:28 EST HURRICANE-ISMS How Do You Know If You're In a Low Lying Area? <BR> <BR> Look carefully at your postal address. If it is in the State of Florida, you <BR> are in a low lying area. <BR> <BR> The Best Thing to Do <BR> <BR> The best thing to do in care of a hurricane is to carefully pack all of your <BR> valuables in your car, and drive to West Virginia. We suggest purchasing <BR> a house where you will be comfortable so you can stay there to live. Wed, 26 Mar 2014 05:39:50 EST HEAVENLY HUMOR Question: What is the name of Isaiah's horse? <BR> Answer: Is Me. Isaiah said, "Woe is me." <BR> <BR> Question: How were Adam and Eve prevented from gambling? <BR> Answer: Their paradise (pair-o-dice) was taken away from them. <BR> <BR> Question: Where does it talk about Honda cars in the Bible? <BR> Answer: In Acts l:14--"These all continued with one accord. <BR> <BR> Question: What did Noah say while he was loading all the animals on the ark? <BR> Answer: "Now I herd everything.... Sat, 8 Mar 2014 05:09:44 EST COUNTRY HOSPITALITY <BR> A man was on a long walk in the country. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a <BR> little cottage and ask for something to drink. <BR> <BR> The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup and a cup of spring <BR> water by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the <BR> visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. <BR> <BR> The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. <BR> <BR> ... Thu, 27 Feb 2014 05:21:11 EST OH KNOW HE DI'NT <BR> Down in Lafourche Parish, Louisiana, Boudreaux got a job with BP helping <BR> to clean up the Gulf oil spill. He reports to work and is told to speak to a <BR> supervisor about his assignment. He finds a man and asks, "What am I <BR> supposed to do?" <BR> <BR> The supervisor tells him to go to the animal shelter and clean the pelicans. <BR> <BR> Two hours later, Boudreaux comes up to the supervisor and says,"Okay, <BR> dey are ... Wed, 19 Feb 2014 05:36:19 EST THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A REDNECK SAY <BR> 1. When I retire. I'm movin' North. <BR> <BR> 2. We're vegetarians. <BR> <BR> 3. Duct tape won't fix that. <BR> <BR> 4. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex. <BR> <BR> 5. We don't keep firearms in this house. <BR> <BR> 6. That car is too old and unsafe to drive. <BR> <BR> 7. You can't feed that to the dog. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Fri, 14 Feb 2014 05:26:38 EST TRUTHISM <BR> <BR> <BR> If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport - you'll get a free x-ray and a <BR> <BR> breast exam, and; if you mention Al Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy. Sat, 8 Feb 2014 05:25:35 EST FIFTIES FASHION The following DO NOT go together and should be avoided: <BR> <BR> 1. A NOSE RING AND BIFOCALS. <BR> <BR> 2. ANKLE BRACELETS AND CORN PADS. <BR> <BR> 3. MINISKIRTS AND SUPPORT HOSE. <BR> <BR> 4. SPIKED HAIR AND BALD SPOTS. <BR> <BR> 5. UNBUTTONED DISCO SHIRTS AND A HEART MONITOR. <BR> <BR> 6. A PIERCED TONGUE AND DENTURES. <BR> <BR> 7. BIKINIS AND LIVER SPOTS. Sun, 2 Feb 2014 05:38:40 EST ENGLISH NOTICES AROUND THE WORLD IN A NORWEGIAN COCKTAIL LOUNGE: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. <BR> IN A TOKYO SHOP: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. <BR> IN AN ACAPULCO HOTEL: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. <BR> TWO SIGNS FROM A MAJORCAN SHOP ENTRANCE: English well talking. Here speeching American. Thu, 30 Jan 2014 05:26:33 EST SIGNS On the back of a Septic Tank Truck: CAUTION - THIS TRUCK IS FULL OF POLITICAL PROMISES. <BR> <BR> At a Car Dealership: THE BEST WAY TO GET BACK ON YOUR FEET - MISS A CAR PAYMENT. <BR> <BR> In a Podiatrist's office: TIME WOUNDS ALL HEELS. <BR> <BR> At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: IVITE US TO YOUR NEXT BLOWOUT.. <BR> <BR> <BR> Tue, 28 Jan 2014 05:18:24 EST SOMETHING TO CONSIDER THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS. <BR> <BR> 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That's scary! <BR> <BR> It means 75% are running around untreated. Sat, 25 Jan 2014 04:43:20 EST UNTITLED <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Honk if you love peace and quiet!! Thu, 23 Jan 2014 05:03:34 EST THOUGHT PROVOKING <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Why do they call it The Department of Interior when they <BR> <BR> are in charge of everything outdoors? Tue, 21 Jan 2014 04:47:36 EST PUNNY SIGNAGE In waiting room of a plastic surgeon: "We can help you pick your nose. <BR> <BR> On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." <BR> <BR> On a maternity room door: PUSH. PUSH. PUSH. <BR> <BR> In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." Thu, 16 Jan 2014 05:09:11 EST MIRACLE TIDBITS <BR> <BR> <BR> Aspire to inspire before you expire. <BR> Exercise daily--walk with the Lord. <BR> Cars are not the only thing recalled by their maker. <BR> Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Mon, 13 Jan 2014 05:51:07 EST UNTITLED <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Wise politician say: Throw too many people under bus, wheels come off. <BR> Sat, 11 Jan 2014 05:25:51 EST FOOD FOR THOUGHT <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Generally speaking, you're not learning much when your <BR> mouth is movingl Wed, 8 Jan 2014 04:39:09 EST SLOT MACHINES <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> When you rearrange the letters: <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> CASH LOST IN ME <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Sun, 5 Jan 2014 05:31:14 EST IDIOT SIGHTING <BR> <BR> <BR> I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00. <BR> I said "May I have large bills, please." <BR> She looked at me and said, "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the <BR> same size." <BR> This was at a Wells Fargo in Waterloo, Iowa. Fri, 3 Jan 2014 05:25:19 EST INTERESTING FACTS Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks. <BR> <BR> Famous Panama hats produced in Ecuador, and the official language of Brazil <BR> is Portuguese. <BR> <BR> Bats always turn left when exiting a cave. <BR> <BR> Did you know that Hair brush for camels is made of squirrel fur. Mon, 30 Dec 2013 05:44:10 EST LOSINGWEIGHT <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> "I am prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight <BR> patient, who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds. "I don't <BR> want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day <BR> and pick them up, one at a time." Mon, 26 Aug 2013 05:30:30 EST UNTITLED <BR> <BR> <BR> THE MORSE CODE <BR> <BR> When you rearrange the letters: <BR> <BR> HERE COME DOTS. Wed, 7 Aug 2013 05:29:05 EST DEFINITION <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> DORMITORY: <BR> <BR> When you rearrange the letters: <BR> <BR> DIRTY ROOM <BR> <BR> Fri, 19 Jul 2013 05:50:14 EST UNNAMED <BR> <BR> <BR> My doctor told me that I need more good cholesterol. <BR> I think Jimmy Dean sausage is as good as it gets. Wed, 17 Jul 2013 06:55:17 EST FOOD FOR THOUGHT <BR> <BR> <BR> We either win or lose our battles based on WINNING THE WAR <BR> IN OUR MINDS. Learn to think according to the Word of God, <BR> and your emotions will start lining up with your thoughts. Sat, 6 Jul 2013 05:31:31 EST DUH <BR> During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what <BR> the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be <BR> institutionalized. <BR> <BR> "Well," said the director, "We fill up a bath tub, then offer a teaspoon, <BR> a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the <BR> bath tub." <BR> <BR> "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the <BR>... Mon, 1 Jul 2013 05:32:55 EST WHAT IS CELIBACY? <BR> <BR> <BR> Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances. <BR> <BR> While attending a marriage weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to <BR> the instructor declare, It is essential that husbands and wives know the <BR> things that are important to each other. He then addressed the men. <BR> <BR> Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower? <BR> <BR> ... Fri, 28 Jun 2013 05:22:49 EST UNNAMED <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Wed, 26 Jun 2013 05:20:05 EST LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Little Johnny asked his grandpa how old he was. <BR> <BR> Grandpa answered, "Thirty-nine and holding." <BR> <BR> Johnny thought for a moment, then said, "How old would you be if you let go?" Wed, 19 Jun 2013 05:31:13 EST HOW TRUE! <BR> <BR> <BR> The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. Sat, 15 Jun 2013 05:24:27 EST THOUGHT FOR THE DAY! <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Middle age is when broadness of the mind and <BR> narrowness of the waste change places. Thu, 6 Jun 2013 05:49:38 EST (no title) <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> COMMON SENSE <BR> is like deodorant. <BR> The people who <BR> need it most <BR> never use it. Mon, 3 Jun 2013 05:39:18 EST FOOD FOR THOUGHT! <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> A fine is a tax for doing wrong. <BR> <BR> A tax is a fine for doing well. Sat, 25 May 2013 05:38:59 EST OLD GOATS A group of Americans were traveling through Holland on a tour bus. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats milk was used. She showed them a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. "These are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce," She explained. <BR> <BR> One old man said,"Gee, that's a lot better treatment than they would get in our country," <BR> <BR> The guide asks, "What do th... Tue, 21 May 2013 05:28:36 EST FOOD FOR THOUGHT! Discipline yourself to STAND STRONG with your positive attitude in every <BR> circumstance. You can always choose to unhappy and pessimistic, but <BR> you can also choose to be OPTIMISTIC AND HAPPY. Sat, 18 May 2013 05:20:19 EST FOOD FOR THOUGHT <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The biggest lie I tell myself is <BR> "I don't need to write that down, I'll <BR> remember it." Thu, 16 May 2013 05:52:55 EST KIDINGS I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers. One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. <BR> <BR> She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years; "When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I call the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance." Fri, 10 May 2013 05:58:02 EST UNTITLED <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Home is where you can say anything you like, 'cause nobody <BR> <BR> listens to you anyway. Thu, 9 May 2013 05:34:36 EST SOME FUN LITTLE FACTS 1. A quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet. <BR> <BR> 2. The bullfrog is the only animal that never sleeps. <BR> <BR> 3. Americans, on average, eat 18 acres of pizza a day. <BR> <BR> 4. The longest one syllable word is "screeched." <BR> <BR> 5. Children grow faster in the spring. <BR> <BR> 6. Cats have over 100 vocal chords. Mon, 6 May 2013 05:32:46 EST