MARYJOANNA's SparkPeople Blog MARYJOANNA's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community IDIOT SIGHTING <BR> <BR> I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, <BR> 'Has anyone put anything in your luggage without your knowledge? <BR> To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' <BR> He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' <BR> <BR> <BR> Happened in Birmingham, Alabama Mon, 15 Dec 2014 05:30:53 EST NO RESPECT In Memory of Rodney Dangerfield <BR> <BR> Read these in your best Rodney Dangerfield voice. <BR> <BR> A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home. <BR> My Mother had morning sickness after I was born. <BR> I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a radio and a toaster. Fri, 12 Dec 2014 05:55:28 EST AHHHH! <BR> <BR> <BR> There once was a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define 'great', he aid, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read. Stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" <BR> <BR> He now writes error messages for Microsoft. Wed, 10 Dec 2014 05:43:16 EST SURPRISE OFSORTS <BR> <BR> How interesting it is when we go along in our journey of weight loss and not notice <BR> <BR> <BR> things changing much at all. Yesterday I tried on a cute sweater-type Christmas top <BR> <BR> size L and I was swimming in it!! I was so surprised but delighted at the same time. <BR> <BR> I guess I was so focused on the food thing that I hadn't noticed clothes. Wow,what a revelation! Sat, 6 Dec 2014 05:30:59 EST THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A REDNECK SAY <BR> <BR> <BR> 1. When I retire I'm movin' North. <BR> <BR> 2. We're vegetarians. <BR> <BR> 3. We don't keep firearms in this house. <BR> <BR> 4. Oh, I just couldn't. She's only sixteen. <BR> <BR> 5. That car is too old and unsafe to drive. Fri, 5 Dec 2014 05:31:41 EST THE PROPHET <BR> <BR> <BR> A young woman stepped forward from the throng and asked, "O' great prophet, <BR> tell us how we might find love that is unconditional, unwavering and unending." The <BR> prophet did not answer right away. He looked off into the distance, gathering his <BR> thoughts. Silence descended upon the crowd. Then he turned his gaze upon the <BR> young woman and said, "Get a dog." <BR> Mon, 1 Dec 2014 05:35:42 EST SUPER DEFINITIONS <BR> <BR> "The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government <BR> <BR> but doesn't have to take a civil service examination." <BR> <BR> "Government is like a baby, an alimentary canal with a big appetite at <BR> <BR> one end and no sense of responsibility at the other." <BR> <BR> "The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the <BR> <BR> government and I'm here to help you." Wed, 26 Nov 2014 05:54:05 EST HEH? <BR> <BR> <BR> Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. <BR> <BR> That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. Mon, 24 Nov 2014 05:28:25 EST OH KNOW HE DI'NT <BR> <BR> Down in Lafourche Parish, Louisiana, Boudreaux got a job with BP helping to clean up the Gulf oil spill. He reports to work and is told to speak to a supervisor about his assign- <BR> ment. He finds a man and asks "What am I supposed to do?" <BR> The supervisor tells him to go to the animal shelter and clean the pelicans. <BR> Two hours later, Boudreaux comes up to the supervisor and says, <BR> "Okay, dey are all cleaned. You want me to cook a stew or we gonna f... Sat, 22 Nov 2014 07:36:22 EST UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS <BR> <BR> To the optimist, the glass is half-full. <BR> <BR> To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. <BR> <BR> To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Thu, 20 Nov 2014 05:34:01 EST SOMETHING TO PONDER <BR> <BR> <BR> A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory Tue, 18 Nov 2014 05:42:10 EST NEWS FLASH <BR> <BR> Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, <BR> <BR> as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need KitKats, Mars <BR> <BR> Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot. Sat, 15 Nov 2014 05:30:17 EST UNTITLED <BR> <BR> <BR> Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball of the circus, a spokesman said <BR> <BR> "We'll struggle to get another man of his caliber." Mon, 10 Nov 2014 05:27:50 EST ???????????? <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Honk if you love peace and quiet. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Tue, 4 Nov 2014 05:44:17 EST QUOTE OF THE DAY <BR> <BR> If you believe God loves you, has a plan for your life, and that His timing is <BR> always right, there is no need to envy anyone. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Joyce Meyer Thu, 30 Oct 2014 05:23:59 EST FOOD FOR THOUGHT <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The word danger is one letter away from anger. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Joyce Meyer Tue, 28 Oct 2014 05:32:34 EST HALLOWEEN FUNNIES <BR> How do you mend a broken Jack-O-Lantern? <BR> With a pumpkin patch. <BR> <BR> What is a pumpkin's favorite sport? <BR> Squash. <BR> <BR> Why wasn't the vampire working? <BR> He was on his coffin break. Sun, 26 Oct 2014 05:52:11 EST FOOD FOR THOUGHT <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works. Wed, 15 Oct 2014 05:13:31 EST QUOTE OF THE DAY <BR> <BR> <BR> God is working in you and in your life right now, You may not feel it or see it, <BR> but you can believe it! Mon, 13 Oct 2014 05:53:50 EST IF WE WATCHED COOKING SHOWS THE WAY GUYS WATCH SPORTS <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> That's too much orange zest! Are you blind? <BR> <BR> Grab the butter, moron! <BR> <BR> Don't use so much red onion! Thu, 9 Oct 2014 05:31:25 EST QUOTE FOR THE DAY <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Peace of mind must precede peace in every other area of our lives. Tue, 7 Oct 2014 05:53:36 EST ?????????? <BR> <BR> A lady was buying a turkey but she wasn't pleased with the one the butcher offered her. <BR> "It's not big enough." she complained. <BR> The butcher knew it was his last turkey but he pretended he would go and have a look in the cold storage.What he actually did was to stretch the turkey's legs apart and put it in a bigger box. <BR> "Oh, that's a good size," said the lady. when the butcher showed it to her. "I'll take them both." Fri, 3 Oct 2014 05:54:48 EST QUOTE OF THE DAY <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> You're never too old, or too young, to do something amazing with God. <BR> <BR> <BR> Joyce Meyer Tue, 30 Sep 2014 05:24:22 EST SHOULD HAVE KNOWN <BR> <BR> While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of <BR> bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even <BR> considered buying a bathing suit; so I sought my husband's advice. "What do <BR> you think," I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" <BR> "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one." Thu, 25 Sep 2014 05:38:35 EST QUOTE OF THE DAY <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Being positive does not mean we deny the existence of difficulty; it means we <BR> <BR> we believe God is greater than our difficulties. <BR> <BR> <BR> Joyce Meyer Fri, 19 Sep 2014 05:37:14 EST QUOTE FOR THE DAY <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Practice being positive in every situation. God has promised to <BR> <BR> bring good out of whatever is taking place in your life at the moment. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Joyce Meyer Fri, 12 Sep 2014 05:26:48 EST QUOTE FOR THE DAY <BR> <BR> <BR> The best thing about your attitude is that it's yours, and you can choose to change it! <BR> <BR> Joyce Meyer Wed, 10 Sep 2014 05:07:30 EST TOOLS FOR LIVING <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 1. Feedback, not failure. <BR> <BR> 2. There's a positive intention behind every behavior. <BR> <BR> 3. There's always another choice. Sat, 6 Sep 2014 05:11:47 EST ??????? <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself. Thu, 4 Sep 2014 08:27:15 EST THINK ABOUT THIS! <BR> <BR> <BR> Someone stole all of my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. <BR> <BR> The thief spends less than my wife did. Mon, 1 Sep 2014 08:29:13 EST QUOTE OF THE DAY <BR> <BR> <BR> Faith means that you have peace even when you don't have all the answers. <BR> <BR> Joyce Meyer Sat, 30 Aug 2014 07:41:11 EST QUOTE OF THE DAY <BR> <BR> <BR> Patience is not the ability to wait, but how you act while you're waiting. <BR> <BR> <BR> Joyce Meyer Sat, 23 Aug 2014 05:18:14 EST QUOTE FOR THE DAY <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> When we fall down, God is always there to pick us back up. <BR> <BR> Joyce Meyer Wed, 20 Aug 2014 05:32:57 EST ?????????? <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> HONK YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET. Fri, 15 Aug 2014 05:34:27 EST CAT PSYCHOLOGY <BR> <BR> Cat in front of a computer--"I did he math, we can't afford the dog. Fri, 8 Aug 2014 07:36:32 EST UNTITLED <BR> <BR> <BR> Red meat is not bad for you; fuzzy green meat is bad for you. Tue, 5 Aug 2014 05:38:11 EST REAGANISMS <BR> "Here's my strategy on the cold war: We win, they lose." <BR> <BR> "The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's <BR> just that they know so much that isn't so. <BR> <BR> "I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have <BR> looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress." Thu, 31 Jul 2014 05:25:45 EST 3 SIMPLE RULES FOR LIFE <BR> <BR> 1. If you do not go after what you want, you'll never have it. <BR> <BR> 2. If you do not ask, the answer will be no. <BR> <BR> 3. If you do not step forward, you will always be in the same place. Sat, 19 Jul 2014 05:32:28 EST ONCE MISUNDERSTOOD ALWAYS REMEMBERED When my husband was six years old, he thought a certain Prayer was <BR> He suffered under a bunch of violets. The real words were "under Pontius <BR> Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day we still giggle <BR> in church whenever the prayer is read. <BR> <BR> When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot onto temptation." <BR> I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble. Sat, 12 Jul 2014 07:28:06 EST FIFTIES FASHION DO NOT GO TOGETHER AND SHOULD BE BE AVOIDED; <BR> 1. A nose ring and bifocals <BR> <BR> 2. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor <BR> <BR> 3. A pierced tongue and dentures <BR> <BR> 4. Spiked hair and bald spots <BR> <BR> 5. Bikinis and liver spots <BR> <BR> 6. Ankle bracelets and corn pads <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Tue, 8 Jul 2014 05:32:27 EST GOD BLESS YOU <BR> <BR> While waiting to have a prescription filled, my 3 year-old granddaughter <BR> <BR> pointed to a box of tissues and in the sweetest most innocent voice asked me, <BR> <BR> "Are those for God bless you's 'Cause I need to wipe my nose from crying so <BR> <BR> much at the doctor." Fri, 4 Jul 2014 05:22:17 EST PUNNY SIGNAGE On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." <BR> <BR> On a maternity room door: 'PUSH. PUSH.PUSH." <BR> <BR> On a plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." <BR> <BR> In the waiting room of a plastic surgeon: "We can help you pick your nose." <BR> <BR> On a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming." Mon, 30 Jun 2014 13:58:28 EST YOU KNOW YOUR GETTING OLD WHEN... you and your teeth don't sleep together <BR> all you want for your birthday is not to be reminded of your age <BR> you wake up looking like your driver's license picture <BR> your pharmacist is your new best friend <BR> most of the time it takes two tries to get up from the couch <BR> your idea of weight lifting is standing up <BR> Thu, 26 Jun 2014 05:23:07 EST QUESTION <BR> <BR> <BR> Is there another word for synonym? Sat, 21 Jun 2014 05:39:34 EST YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN! <BR> <BR> <BR> The game of life is not so much in holding a good hand <BR> <BR> as playing a poor hand well--- <BR> <BR> H.T. Leslie Wed, 11 Jun 2014 08:13:56 EST CRACK ON THE COUNTER <BR> <BR> <BR> Crack eggs on a flat surface, not the edge of the bowl, and you'll <BR> be less likely to get bits of the shell in your food. Thu, 5 Jun 2014 05:58:12 EST LIFE POINT <BR> <BR> <BR> Your problem is not your problem. It's your attitude toward your <BR> <BR> problem that's the problem. Tue, 20 May 2014 05:27:53 EST FOOD FOR THOUGHT <BR> <BR> <BR> Why do they call it The Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Tue, 13 May 2014 08:19:39 EST FUNNY THOUGHTS WITH ATTITUDE <BR> Do you ever wonder abut those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little <BR> bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. <BR> <BR> Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to <BR> begin with? <BR> <BR> It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in <BR> the supermarket express lane. <BR> <BR> If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? Wed, 7 May 2014 07:18:04 EST VACATION <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> I WILL BE ON VCATION FOR ONE WEEK! Fri, 25 Apr 2014 06:34:33 EST