MAGGIEROSEBOWL's SparkPeople Blog MAGGIEROSEBOWL's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Perception and Judgment Yes, I know it is wrong to compare myself with others. But I spent so many years being embarrassed that I was the biggest person in the room, it's hard to stop the visual evaluations today. I try not to judge others, but there is a vague sense of superiority because I seem to have gotten my eating under control and others do not. I always felt inferior to others who seemed to have the ability to maintain a normal weight, so it is not surprising that today I have that same sense of superiority... Sun, 14 Sep 2014 12:56:52 EST Motivation and Determination Motivation and determination are essential to weight loss and maintenance. We can get motivated to lose weight, we can be determined not to regain, but over the years, we grow weary of having to be so vigilant and strong. I am a prime example of this. I started caving into my desires to eat this or that, food which I had long-since denied myself, knowing how it would just justify me making even more bad choices. Funny how the food addict mind operates. A little slip here or there, at least in... Fri, 12 Sep 2014 17:24:48 EST The Mint Green Jeans FIT Again!! <img src=""> <BR> <BR> TADA!!! Yes those mint green jeans that have been hanging on my closet door for months to inspire me, FIT me again today! WOOHOO for me!!! The scale showed my hard work this morning. I weighed in at 160.4 lbs.! That is .4 lbs. from my original goal weight of 160, and quite wonderful! If you will recall, when I joined my first Dietbet around June 20, I weighed in at 182.6. OUCH! <BR> <BR> Nothing fit. I felt fat. ... Thu, 11 Sep 2014 14:28:39 EST Yoga Pants For so many years I wore those elastic-waisted polyester pants. I had them in many colors--blue, green, purple, brown, grey, and lots of black ones. I never wore anything in a light color, thinking it made me look even bigger than I was. Probably true, but let's face it, at 328 lbs., everything made me look big, because I WAS BIG! <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> My purple pants were in a darker shade. <BR> <BR> A year or so ago, I discove... Wed, 10 Sep 2014 12:24:51 EST Why Doesn't Anyone Notice My Maintenance? I know I should be satisfied with myself just because I am still close to my goal weight, after a momentary blip on the regain radar. But sometimes when I see people whom I haven't seen in a while, but HAVE seen since my weight loss, and they say nothing to me, I think that they should say something like, "Wow, you've done a great job at keeping those pounds off." I realize that to a majority of people, maintaining a normal weight is not a big deal. They have done it all their adult lives and... Mon, 8 Sep 2014 14:35:41 EST Lazy Sunday After a busy week, today has been super lazy. My husband, Du, has been working his tail off. We have rows of pine trees surrounding our acreage which he planted not long after we moved here in 1992. Unfortunately, many of them are dying now. It's very sad to see these beautiful, quite large now trees dying one after another. It's a disease for which there is no cure that is attacking our Scotch Pines, so he and son Chris work to cut them down, haul the debris down to the burning barrel and bu... Sun, 7 Sep 2014 18:38:37 EST Making Blankets For our anniversary, Du and I had decided not to get each other gifts. But then I got the idea to make one of those "tied blankets" out of fleece fabric. We have two of them, and we love them, although they're a little short to cover you completely when you sit in the recliner and watch TV (which is what we use them for). They're especially short on my taller husband. So I guessed and bought two yards of fabric for each side and found directions on the Internet. It was quite easy and didn't ... Sat, 6 Sep 2014 09:19:34 EST Happy Anniversary To Us! Today, Du & I celebrate our 44th Wedding Anniversary. We were just children when we got married. Seriously, Du had turned 18 (legal age in Nebraska) just 8 days previously, and I was just 19. We got married long before it was acceptable for couples to live together sans matrimony. All we knew is that we wanted to be together and we defied the stats against teen marriages and made it. Now I'm just hoping for more time with the love of my life. It would be so fun to celebrate 50 years with this... Thu, 4 Sep 2014 11:18:37 EST Busy Days with Grandchildren As I already repeatedly mentioned, three of my grandchildren, (Duncan, 8; Amber, 5; and Noah, 3 months) spent the last five days and six nights at our house while their parents vacationed in New York City. I know it was a trip they really needed, I haven't heard from them since they got home late Monday night, but I'm hoping it was helpful to them both. It was certainly a wonderful gesture on my son's part to buy his wife such an extravagant trip. And it says a lot to me that he is willing to... Wed, 3 Sep 2014 11:12:11 EST Self Confidence My last blog was all about my insecurities, most of which were a result of my obesity. Today, many of those insecurities are gone. I am not a super confident person by any means, it's just not in my personality, I am more of an introvert, and that is due to my shyness, and lack of self-confidence. But compared to how little self confidence I had before, NOW I am a different person! <BR> <BR> Yesterday I picked up grandson Duncan from his before/after school daycare house. When I walked into ... Fri, 29 Aug 2014 15:45:08 EST Insecurities Obesity affects every part of our being. It raises our blood pressure, our blood sugar, and put undue stress on our heart and joints. I was the master of ignoring all this for over 30 years. But the insecurity it caused in my life was harder to ignore. <BR> <BR> I had absolutely no self-confidence. I was afraid to put myself out there, preferring to remain in the corner, hopefully never making a "spectacle" of myself. I thought if I stayed in a corner somewhere, no one would notice me and my... Wed, 27 Aug 2014 09:37:39 EST Insulin Pumps and Birthday Parties Granddaughter Mia's 5th Birthday Party was yesterday. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> Noah & I <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> My three youngest grandkids & I. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> The birthday cake of which I did not partake! <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> My son, daughter... Mon, 25 Aug 2014 10:38:09 EST Old Friends are GOLD Tonight was a cancer benefit dinner, that Du & I had signed up to attend a while back. You know Du thought it was important, since he gave up his first night of League Bowling to attend. I had contacted some dear old friends to join us. We have drifted apart over the years, after being close for many years when we were all young-marrieds, but I knew from her Christmas card, that she has been diagosed with and undergoing treatment for breast cancer, and sure enough, they were happy to donate t... Fri, 22 Aug 2014 00:28:32 EST It's Exciting Again! I remember when I finally bought a scale, almost four months into my weight-loss/getting healthy journey, back in March 2010, and got on it for the first time. I had been to the cardiologist for a heart check-up (my heart was fine) in January, and was a little disappointed that I was still over 300 lbs. (304 to be exact). In December when my family practice physician assistant had told me "The EKG seems to show you've already had a heart attack," I had weighed in at about 310 lbs. Later on in... Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:47:40 EST Kindness I have been treated with much kindness throughout my life. Sure there are the stinkers in there who have been mean for no reason, and I have discovered my way to deal with this is to simply write them out of my life. If you can't be kind, I really have no use for you, it just hurts me too much. <BR> <BR> And so it goes with Spark. In over 5 years here, I have never encountered such a mean spirited comment as I did the other day from a so-called caring friend. I quickly deleted her nasty comm... Mon, 18 Aug 2014 16:16:40 EST Feeling Better I had been stuck in the 171's for over a week. Despite eating right, and walking as much as I could (for three days in a row I got over 10,000 steps--my knees hurt all night--but I DID IT!), the scale would NOT go down. I joined Chris & Heidi Powell's Diet Bet just after my previous Diet Bet had ended July 21. I barely made my 7.4 pound goal during that first Bet, but I got there! So this month started better. I was more motivated and much more self-disciplined. No Fourth of July holiday in t... Sun, 17 Aug 2014 14:11:44 EST Some Good Things in My Life, as I Try to Find Balance. First of all, I am staying strong in my commitment to lose the weight I gained over the last six months. In the last almost 60 days, I have dropped 14 of the 32 pounds I gained, and feel so good to have my weight loss/maintenance mojo back. It truly takes constant vigilance and obsession with eating right and moving more and that's where I am at once again. So that is ONE good thing in my life. <BR> <BR> My Du is responding to his cancer treatment. That is another GOOD thing in my life. His ... Sat, 16 Aug 2014 00:08:09 EST So Hard To Understand Like everyone else, today I am asking WHY? Robin Williams came to prominence when my children were young. We enjoyed Mork & Mindy, and because my oldest son is Mark, when we got our Siamese Cat in 1979, we named her Mindy, so that at our house we would have "Mark & Mindy." I even got Mark a pair of those infamous striped suspenders like Mork wore on the show. For Halloween that year, my middle son wore a "Mork" costume. <BR> <img src=""> ... Tue, 12 Aug 2014 09:03:31 EST SLOOOOOOOOOOOWLY It Comes Back Off Why does it always seem to take longer to lose weight than it does to gain it? I realize it's just a matter of perception, and probably inaccurate, but I swear it was easier to lose 178 pounds, than it has been to take off these 30 pounds I put back on. <BR> <BR> Around June 20, I joined a Diet Bet. In 30 days, I barely lost my 7.2 pounds to make the 4% loss required to get my money back. I started the next Diet Bet immediately, and so far, have lost 5.2 pounds. I need to lose another 1.8 po... Mon, 11 Aug 2014 09:09:23 EST Learning My Neighborhood Do you remember as a kid, back when we used to play outside ALL THE TIME, you knew every nook and cranny of your neighborhood. You knew the alleys, the streets, the stores, the ditches and culverts, as well as all the parks and great places to play. We moved to a new house when I was 11, and I don't think I ever learned a neighborhood that intimately after the house I lived in from ages 4-11. I remember Summer nights that went on forever, when all the neighbor kids would be out, and we would ... Wed, 6 Aug 2014 11:45:54 EST Sometimes Life Gets Hard, Very Hard I am dealing with the terminal diagnosis of my husband. He is doing well right now, other than some minor problems, and his recent scan results have been very good. The other day I posted on FB that I was busy planning our 50th Wedding Anniversary Celebration on Sept. 4, 2020. My dream is to make that milestone. When I lost weight, that was my goal, to live a good long life, well into retirement, with Du by my side. But our reality is always there, and it scares me to death and I worry about ... Tue, 5 Aug 2014 11:01:40 EST Get Over Yourself Sean over at<BR>014/08/august-1st-2014-its-living.html<BR>#comment-form <BR> wrote today about heading to the pool for a swim. He was ready to do it, even though he had some apprehension. I will be interested in what he has to say tomorrow about "baring it all" at a public pool. <BR> <BR> I have struggled with this forever, even before I was morbidly obese. While I was obese I never for one instant even considered putting on a swimming suit to wear... Sun, 3 Aug 2014 01:04:51 EST Making Salsa I made homemade salsa this morning. We had just enough tomatoes from our garden to make a batch. I can smell it simmering on the stove top. It smells delicious! <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> My only problem with salsa is the dilemma---WHAT to eat with it? I love chips with salsa, especially when served before your meal at a restaurant. I always try to pre-determine my chip limit, so I don't overdo. I won't say I'm always successful at stic... Wed, 30 Jul 2014 11:28:17 EST LOVING Life! I have read blogs by others who complain that life as a thin person was not what they expected. They found that people were no nicer to them, they didn't feel any different, and were no happier than before. <BR> <BR> I DISAGREE! I LOVE living in this world as a normal-sized person. Oh sure, now I'm 20 pounds too heavy, but that is nothing compared to that almost 180 extra pounds I used to carry around! Perhaps it was because I was so super morbidly obese, and that obesity affected every face... Mon, 28 Jul 2014 10:00:48 EST Four Ways to Get Your Weight-Loss MOJO Back!! All if takes for me to be tempted to eat something I shouldn't is just read about it, a blog, in a book, in the newspaper, magazine. If I see it on TV, I really want it. It doesn't take much for me to be tempted to eat "forbidden fruit." <BR> <BR> As I enter my second Diet Bet, I feel like I've got my MOJO back. There for a while, I had lost control. I would think about what I was doing, and justify it by telling myself, "I can't stop." But I know I could stop, and I have stop... Fri, 25 Jul 2014 12:37:13 EST A Cacaphony of Entertainment Choices I like food that has a wide variety of flavors. There was a movie a while back that Barbra Streisand directed, produced and starred in called, "The Mirror has Two Faces." <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I think I'm one of the few people that LOVED that movie. I also like the song from that movie (I Finally Found Someone--<BR>I), of course that's no surprise since I am a huge STREISAND FAN! To see he... Thu, 24 Jul 2014 12:06:07 EST Did I Look Like That??? I'm watching Brandy's episode on EWL from last Tuesday right now. Just saw her initial weigh-in. When I saw her with just a sports bra on and her enormous stomach, I thought to myself, "She must weight close to 400 lbs." But the scale said 329 lbs. My starting weight was 328 lbs. I never thought I was that fat, but then I see pictures like this and I know I was. <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I have my "fat" picture on the fridge for motiv... Tue, 22 Jul 2014 15:44:32 EST 100 Happy Days -- The Conclusion (Days 98-100) Day 98: We live just southwest of Lincoln, Nebraska, on an acreage. It is a nice place to live, we have neighbors, but they aren't close, since we all have three acres. Juno has lots of room to run, and Du loves playing farmer in the garden and yard. We both love the peace and quiet out here in the countryside. We also both know that moving off the acreage is in our future, with his cancer, he isn't going to be able to take care of this yard forever. But we are putting it off, because neither... Mon, 21 Jul 2014 09:16:49 EST 100 Happy Days -- Day 97 (And ANGER at Myself!) Day 97 -- This little guy is just so adorable. At the Bowling Alley Monday night, I was feeding him, and when he was done, I remembered that when his big brother was about that age, I used to take his hands and make him clap, and he would smile, So I tried it with Noah and it worked! His smile really lights up the room, and my life. This little guy makes me so happy every single day! <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I was thinking about my b... Wed, 16 Jul 2014 16:09:08 EST 100 Happy Days -- Day 96 (A Very Happy Day Indeed!) Yesterday in my e-mail was a note that a message was waiting for us in the Patient Portal at Du's Urologist. I was happy to see this message! <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> We are now 17 months into the initial treatment for advanced prostate cancer, which consists of shots to eliminate testosterone, which stops the spread of the cancer temporarily. The average time this treatment is effective is 18 months, so to hear that it is still work... Tue, 15 Jul 2014 10:19:33 EST 100 Happy Days -- Days 91-95 (and FEAR rears its ugly head) Oh My Goodness--My 100 Days of Happy is almost over. I have enjoyed it--mostly. Sometimes I struggled a little to find something unique to be happy about. I always can find something to be happy about in my retirement, but I tried to find something new and different each day. I have kept a calendar by my computer, and each day list my "Happy" for the day so as not to repeat. I realize, I used my Bulldog Juno repeatedly, but she is just so darned cute and makes me so happy, it was hard not to.... Mon, 14 Jul 2014 11:38:27 EST 100 Happy Days -- Days 89 and 90, Plus Staying Obsessed Someone posted something on Facebook the other day about how being obsessed leads to success. It got me to thinking about how important obsession is in the weight loss game. I slowly became more and more obsessed back when I lost 178 pounds, each day finding more methods to fuel the obsession--Sparkpeople, Weight Loss memoirs, Low-Calorie Recipe Websites, Weight Watcher Magazine, and Weight Loss Blogs. There is so much available today to help up along the way. I just wish there was more suppo... Wed, 9 Jul 2014 12:21:33 EST Reading the Fine Print Du and I went to Ruby Tuesday for lunch today. I always order the sliced sirloin Petite Lunch Plate, it comes with delicious mashed potatoes and steamed broccoli, for a grand total of 360 calories. I love it, and although the portion of steak and potatoes is quite small, it's pretty good for a lunch. I try to fill up on the broccoli, which while edible, is not my favorite veggie! <em>43</em> <BR> <BR> So today, they had a new promotional menu, and I saw they had a new appetizer called "T... Tue, 8 Jul 2014 20:11:47 EST 100 Happy Days -- Days 83-88 What a busy weekend! It was such fun, and yet it's a relief that it's all over. We hosted a group of friends and family on the Fourth for our annual party. Since we took the pool down, it was necessary to find other entertainment for the kids (we had 12 children here, 11 of them were aged four and under), so Chris (youngest son) and I went out on Wed. and bought a trampoline. Du & I spent that day and the next one putting it all together. Du did the bulk of the work and instruction-interpreti... Mon, 7 Jul 2014 11:01:13 EST 100 Happy Days -- Days 79-82 We finally got to see a local Oncologist yesterday. He doesn't think Du should start chemo now. I was disappointed and relieved at the same time. I have done quite a bit of reading on various prostate cancer treatments and most doctors recommend delaying chemo as long as possible, due to its harshness. It was a little frustrating not to be given a chance to try the latest treatment, and yet we both went away feeling a little more optimistic about Du's cancer. <BR> <BR> The oncologist, Dr. Av... Wed, 2 Jul 2014 09:54:50 EST 100 Happy Days -- Days 75-78 I've been doing pretty well this week, back on my journey. I'm eating less and moving more--the old tried and true formula for weight loss! I got my Fitbit re-synced (took some doing), and now I can access my stats on the computer dashboard that is part of the Fitbit. I also downloaded a couple of Apps for my phone: Map My Walk (which I already had signed up for evidently--just never used), and Pedometer. It's interesting to see the differences between my Fitbit, Pedometer, and Map My Walk. ... Fri, 27 Jun 2014 11:02:27 EST Off the Subject... Today I'm not doing my series of 100 Happy Days. I'm still posting a daily "Happy" to FB, and will catch up here in a few days, but there's so much going through my head right now, I had to get it down, and this is my favorite place to write about weight-loss. <BR> <BR> I wrote yesterday about joining a Diet Bet. It has motivated me more than anything else lately. I hope this determination lasts. It only costs $20, so you wouldn't think it would be that motivating, but for some reason it is.... Tue, 24 Jun 2014 12:30:44 EST 100 Happy Days -- Days 72-74 Things are looking up around our house. Du is finally starting to feel better, a month and a half after his basically failed TURP surgery. He still uses his catheter, and I don't see him being able to get rid of it anytime in the future. But at least it makes us both feel better that the Urologist made the supra-pubic hole larger during surgery, so that it is less likely to clog. Du worked really hard around the yard this weekend. He got his third load of wood chips/mulch for our berms and la... Mon, 23 Jun 2014 15:13:29 EST 100 Happy Days -- Days 68-71 I've had a good couple of days. Decided to weigh in last Friday, then wait a whole week (something I've never been able to do) and see how I did. The results weren't great. I was a little shocked last Friday because the scale read 177.4. That seemed low considering where it was the last time I had been on it. Must have been a low day. Because after a week of little snacking (and the snacks were fruit!), today I weighed 179.4. Crap. Excuse my French, as my mom used to say. I just need to move ... Fri, 20 Jun 2014 12:14:40 EST 100 Happy Days -- Day 67 -- A Perfect Father's Day! It was a beautiful day yesterday, the weather was perfect, the yard looks good (still green, not too many weeds yet), and the family came out to celebrate Father's Day with my Du. <BR> <BR> Chris (youngest) had to go to work around noon, but went out and bought Du some bushes to replace the ones that had died in front of our porch. Then he and Du got them planted. <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I had dinner done and ready to bake early in ... Mon, 16 Jun 2014 12:05:11 EST 100 Happy Days -- Days 64-66 Du has been feeling better lately. His wound from where the doctor make the hole for the supra-pubic catheter larger (so it wouldn't clog) is still bleeding, but the doctor said that is sometimes the case. The first time they put in the supra-pubic cath, the hole healed right up, but that hole was much smaller. Since getting rid of the catheter isn't happening, we are hopeful this larger hole will mean less clogging! We even went for a walk down the road Friday evening at his suggestion. It w... Sun, 15 Jun 2014 15:17:32 EST 100 Happy Days -- Days 60-63 I've been trying to repeat the mantra, "It's Only Food!" to get myself to stop snacking so much. Not sure why food is so important to me, why I'm so obsessed with it, why it has such a hold over me. After all, "It's only food!" It's not the be-all, end-all of existence, it should NOT be the most important thing in my life. I have so much to fulfill me, my children, my grandchildren, my wonderful Du, my pets, my home, my life is really full with love, and yet I constantly turn to food for comf... Thu, 12 Jun 2014 11:12:12 EST 100 Happy Days -- Days 57-59 I have been reading lots of blogs (weight-loss), and doing a lot of commenting. I love how others make me think and re-evaluate my own methods and goals. Sean Anderson had a lot of success losing weight, wrote a memoir about it, then proceeded to regain 140 of the over 260 pounds he lost. It's easy to lose your way, but now he is back at it. He blogs daily once again, feeling that helps keep him accountable, he tweets pictures of everything he eats and also uses Facebook extensively for short... Mon, 9 Jun 2014 12:10:10 EST 100 Happy Days -- Days 54-56 Okay--I'll get to the "Happy" stuff later, but it's time for another rant. I called Duane's Urologist's office on Monday, because I was so excited about the article in Monday's newspaper. It told about new clinical trial studies showing that giving men with advanced prostate cancer docetaxel, an old, cheap chemo drug RIGHT AWAY (instead of waiting until the hormone shots are no longer keeping the cancer from progressing--usually around 18 months), extends survival for close to 14 months! I le... Thu, 5 Jun 2014 09:36:05 EST 100 Happy Days -- Days 50-53 We had an extremely busy weekend. My nephew came to visit with his girlfriend. He graduated from college earlier this month and his parents gave him tickets to the "Cher/Cyndi Lauper Concert which was in Lincoln Friday night. This is the nephew who started his college career living with us for 9 months, while he attended community college here in town starting in the Fall of 2009. He is a great young man, so polite, well mannered, smart and fun to be around. He transferred to a state college ... Mon, 2 Jun 2014 10:15:02 EST 100 Happy Days -- Days 45-49 Yesterday was a tough day. Du has had one of his recurrent UTI's and I got him into see a PA at the Urologist's office. We never see the doctor. In the 15 months since his terminal cancer diagnosis, I bet we've actually seen the doctor less than five times, and we are at his office every month (at least) for shots. He didn't even see the doctor at his post-op appointment last week. The PA tried to go out and get the doctor's opinion on the treatment she was suggesting for Du, but he was busy ... Thu, 29 May 2014 09:56:20 EST 100 Happy Days -- Days 41-44 A couple days ago I updated Adobe on my computer, in order to access a file/form I needed to fill out to renew my substitute teaching status with the local public school system. Somehow I got the PC Health virus--it was awful. I have been working for two days to delete the files from my computer, with no luck, so I just now restored my computer to a week ago. Good Grief! It seems fine now, but I'm going to continue to blame the public school for my problems! This incident definitely did NOT m... Sat, 24 May 2014 18:49:28 EST 100 Happy Days -- Days 38-40 I am struggling mightily lately. As always, my meals are fine. I remember Joy Bauer's statement when she was introducing me on the Today Show. She showed all the food I snacked on, and told Kathie Lee & Hoda that I was eating enough snacks to gain "a pound a day!" Well that wasn't true of course, because over the period of 30 years that I was overweight, I pretty much maintained my 300+ pounds for quite some time. Joy went on to assure Kathie Lee that, "Pam's meals were fine!" <BR> <BR> And ... Tue, 20 May 2014 08:58:30 EST 100 Happy Days -- Day 33-37 I'm not going to lie--it hasn't been all that easy to find a reason to be happy for the last several days. Du went into the hospital for surgery Wednesday and it's been a rough road for him, and because he hurts, I hurt too. It's incredibly hard to see him in so much pain and discomfort, and I can't help but think the surgery was a mistake. He was getting along before and now he is really struggling. And I also can't help thinking that this is what it'll be like as we get further along in thi... Sat, 17 May 2014 19:01:17 EST 100 Happy Days -- Days 29-32 How'd I get so far behind in my 100 Happy Days? Time flew by this weekend, and it was wonderful! <BR> <BR> Day 29 -- The lilacs at my house are in full bloom. I love them and they remind me of my Mom, since they were her favorite flower. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Day 30 -- May 10, 196... Mon, 12 May 2014 09:30:19 EST