MAGGIEROSEBOWL's SparkPeople Blog MAGGIEROSEBOWL's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community The Nitty Gritty of Morbid Obesity Living 30 years in a morbidly obese (over 300 lb.) body, revealed to me the many inconveniences and actual horrifying reality of succumbing to an addiction. I consider myself as much an addict as anyone who is addicted to drugs or cigarettes. I obsess over food, I crave it, I think about it all the time. And when I shut myself off from having all I desire, the cravings become almost overwhelming. But then I tell myself I am stronger than my appetite. And I AM! <BR> <BR> And I also think abou... Sun, 15 Nov 2015 13:36:47 EST Getting Back in the Groove!!! The first nine months of this year I wanted so badly to find that motivation that is necessary for both weight loss and maintenance. For years (between 2009 and 2014) I had it. I kept wishing I could bottle that motivation I felt, because I knew I could get rich selling it. But that is impossible. It comes from within a person, nobody else can make you do it, and I had lost it. Completely. I did the same thing in 2014, but found it again in June of that year, and lost those 35 pounds I had ga... Thu, 12 Nov 2015 11:51:10 EST Slow But Steady After a month of being back on track, I am down about four pounds. SLOW.....but at lest it's moving in the right direction. Yesterday I finally returned to One-derland, 199.2. That is fitting because five years ago on Nov. 3, I got into One-derland for the first time, and swore I'd never leave. Well as they say, the best laid plans...... <BR> <BR> I feel really good about my progress. As I mentioned, it's slow, but I know that number on the scale will keep going downward if I can stay true t... Sun, 8 Nov 2015 13:34:08 EST Scale Finally Moving in the Right Direction! I have been eating well for the last two weeks, ever since we got home from nephew's wedding. I came home from the wedding weekend with a cold, so had no appetite anyway, making it so much easier to quit binging. I didn't get on the scale until about Thursday of that week (as I recall) and was slightly surprised to see it say "only" 203.4. I was fearful it would be much higher, like 210 or more, and that is part of the reason I didn't get on the scale at first. I always avoid the scale when m... Mon, 19 Oct 2015 11:40:51 EST Discouraging Scale I weighed in one week ago, after I had been back on track for three days. The scale said 203.4. WOW! But I know it would be over 200 pounds, and I was prepared. Honestly, with the way I had been binging, I was a little relieved it wasn't even higher. But I was determined (and remain so) to get quickly back into ONE-derland. I know I can do it this time. I have felt good about this for over a week now and even though I'm not actively tracking, I don't snack indiscriminately anymore, have cut o... Thu, 15 Oct 2015 14:57:32 EST Relishing the Respite This Fall we have been given a chance to sit back and enjoy life, and it is all the sweeter because we know it won't last forever. <BR> <BR> With the great report on Du's scans from last month (he is stable, and there is no metastases from the spots of cancer in his hips), refinancing the house (giving us reprieve from the task of having to get it ready to sell), and the approval of Du's disability insurance so that he can retire, we are enjoying Every.Single.Moment. of this life we have bee... Tue, 13 Oct 2015 09:01:35 EST A Glorious Day! Friday, Duane had scans. The last scans were done in January, and no one every contacted us with results. We tried to understand the report that was on the patient portal but it is in such technical terms. The oncologist did tell us a few months later that the cancer was stable, according to the scans. So we didn't expect to hear much about these scans either, even though we were both very apprehensive. Du hasn't been feeling all that great, the pain in his hips (where the cancer has metastas... Mon, 21 Sep 2015 20:17:01 EST Staying Put?! Yesterday we went and looked at a townhouse that my sister-in-law told me about. A bingo-playing buddy of hers is selling it without an agent, and it is in a great location. We loved the roominess, it had a big living area with room at one end for my dining room furniture, separate kitchen with eating area, and built in cupboards and desk, and a huge finished basement. It also had lots and lots of storage space, which would be wonderful. Some of the drawbacks: it's in kind of bad shape, as fa... Tue, 15 Sep 2015 09:42:07 EST Celebrating the Moments We celebrated our 45th wedding anniversary Friday, Sept. 4. For Du's birthday a week ago, I got him 3rd row tickets, right behind home plate to his (and my) beloved Kansas City Royals baseball game for the day of our anniversary. Usually our tickets to the baseball games are high up, and towards the outfield. With the Royal's recent successes, tickets are much pricier than they used to be, and suffice it to say, I paid top dollar on the secondary market for these great seats, but it was worth... Sun, 6 Sep 2015 10:47:22 EST A Party to Celebrate, Another Death to Mourn I'll start with the happy news! <BR> <BR> About a month ago I decided we needed to do something to celebrate Du's retirement after almost 43 years working at the University as a Pressman. I asked my boys what they thought about having a surprise party for his birthday (which was last Thursday), as well as his retirement, and they were supportive, youngest son Chris even offered to host the party at his house. I knew it would be impossible to have it at our house, because Du would suspect som... Tue, 1 Sep 2015 14:51:32 EST S*#! Just Got Real!! For over two and a half years I have been dealing with the somber reality of losing my Du much before I'm ready. But as his health has been fairly good, I don't think I really understood.... <BR> <BR> Yes, I've been thinking about it, stressing over it, and grieving his loss, long before I lose him, and yet it didn't get REAL until this last couple of days. Du caught a cold two weeks ago, probably from Grandson Noah, who has a perpetual cold it seems, and had spent several days with us. With... Mon, 24 Aug 2015 11:05:33 EST Downsizing--In More Ways Than One The thought of downsizing our household from living on a 3-acre lot with a 2,500 square foot home down to a little tiny lot and probably no more than 1,200 square feet is a tad overwhelming. I have always loved decorating for all the holidays. I have storage totes for each holiday: Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Easter, Fourth of July, Husker Football/Volleyball season, (the two most important sports in my opinion), and then of course Fall, Thanksgiving, and I have almost 30 tote boxes ... Fri, 21 Aug 2015 11:07:23 EST Update on "Back on Track" Progress I have been putting forth more effort lately to find my way back to the weight loss phase of my life. When we returned from our second vacation trip on July 28, I pledged I would get back on track the following day. I did. But my attempts have been somehow half-hearted. Altho0ugh I am no longer gaining weight, and that is half the battle in my case at least, I am not losing much either. I know I need to ramp up my efforts and that is my goal for this week. Wish me luck. <BR> <BR> Yesterday w... Sun, 16 Aug 2015 11:58:41 EST Growing Weary of This Roller Coaster Ride Called Life One of my favorite movies is Parenthood, and my favorite quote from the move is below: <BR> <BR> [Gil has been complaining about his complicated life; Grandma wanders into the room] <BR> <BR> Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster. <BR> <BR> Gil: Oh? <BR> <BR> Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride! <BR> <BR> Gil: What a great story. <BR> <BR> Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could mak... Wed, 12 Aug 2015 13:20:56 EST Top Ten Reasons to RE-LOSE the RE-GAIN As I start Day 5 of being back on track, I wanted to try and remember some reasons why re-losing this gain was important. Just writing them down will hopefully help keep me motivated. <BR> <BR> 1- Health. As we age, so many things go wrong with our body. It's just smart to eat better, keep our weight down, and do everything we can to slow that natural aging process. I know if I keep gaining weight like I was, diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and worse joint pain was in my futu... Sun, 2 Aug 2015 13:24:29 EST I'm BAAAAAAAAACK! I've been away for a while and I won't lie. I binged. I ate everything in sight and now I'm afraid to get on the scale, I'm pretty sure I've left ONE-derland. My plan, to stay on track for ONE WHOLE WEEK before seeing what the scale has to say next Wednesday. Hopefully I will be back in the ONES again. It's a very bad thing to be afraid to step on the scale--but that is where I'm at. <BR> <BR> Now for the good news--This is my third day of being back on track. We got home from a two-trip vac... Fri, 31 Jul 2015 18:06:02 EST Mondays Are For Starting Over I know you don't have to wait until Monday to start over, but it sure seems like a good day to get back on track. <BR> <BR> My close friend Nancy lost her battle with cancer Saturday morning. It is affecting me very deeply, as I told Du, more so, I think, because it is too close to home. He comforted me, as he always does. He worries that I won't be able to go on after I lose him. I'm not sure that I will be able to either. I did reassure him that I WILL be able to take care of him. I need t... Mon, 13 Jul 2015 09:16:03 EST Life is a Roller Coaster I am an absolute mess today. I can't quit much loss and grief and difficulty in this cruel old world and in the midst of all that we personally got some good news. What a roller coaster. Did you see the movie, Parenthood? It's a great movie, highly underrated. I watch it every time I see that it's on TV. Towards the end, the Grandma compares life to a roller coaster and says how much she loves roller coasters, there's highs and lows, it goes fast and then slow, and it's quite a r... Fri, 10 Jul 2015 12:35:03 EST I'm a Real Writer? Okay, maybe not. But Carla Birnberg, whose blog I started reading when I was losing weight originally, is quite a character. Love her and reading about her crazy busy life in Austin, Oakland, then back to Austin! She has a 9-year old daughter she refers to as "Tornado," and an absolutely charming black Golden Doodle, appropriately named "Charming." <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Carla is unabashedly "Brazen," ... Wed, 1 Jul 2015 10:30:00 EST Not Getting Any Easier I am working super hard to get Du on Disability as soon as possible. I got all three forms from the doctors, and turned them in, along with the forms we had to fill out, to our Benefits Office, they will fax them into the Disability Insurance people. I'm not sure how long approval takes, I know it is quicker than the Social Security Disability process, which I've heard takes many months. The Benefits people said it varies, but their best guess was two weeks to a month. Du won't quit working u... Mon, 29 Jun 2015 16:49:14 EST Grateful Today I'm so grateful for a Supreme Court that realizes it's not right to deny rights to any one group of people based on anything at all. Thursday they upheld the ACA once again. What a relief. Nebraska, as one of the states with a Republican Governor, has not set up their own health care bank, so we are dependent upon the Federal government to decide the subsidies provided when we enroll. If they had not decided to keep the ACA intact, our premiums would have risen drastically, to a point w... Sat, 27 Jun 2015 12:49:35 EST 197 THAT is a very ugly number. Oh I was thrilled to see the scale drop below 200 lbs. in November of 2010. It had been a major interim goal to get below 200 lbs. by my 60th birthday and I made it with almost two months to spare. But today? HOLY COW! How did I let it get so bad? I weighed 151.4 on Christmas morning. <BR> <img src=""> <BR> (Please ignore my hideous toenails and feet.) <BR> <BR> I didn't quite hit my Di... Thu, 25 Jun 2015 16:38:20 EST A New Day and a New Start Okay, I'm feeling good about getting back on track with my eating this morning. It's so hard for me to get back after I fall off, it takes months and months, and that leads to huge gains. I'm still scared to get on the scale, but if today continues well, I will consider this my starting point and hop on the scale in the morning, to see how much damage I did. I keep telling myself, "It's just food!" I have no idea why it is so important to me, and that brings me to another topic, "Why do I ove... Tue, 23 Jun 2015 11:56:50 EST I've Been Naughty I have been so bad lately. I can't seem to get my snacking under control. Once again, as Joy Bauer said about me on the Today Show back in 2012, "Pam's meals are fine, it's the snacking that's out of control." But every day is a new chance to do better and I never give up. <BR> <BR> Other areas of my life have improved since I blogged. My son is still technically "living" with us, but he only spends his nights here. We see him for a few minutes in the morning before he goes to work, and the ... Thu, 18 Jun 2015 11:09:02 EST Saying It and Doing It..... .....Are two very different things. Our counselor told us to quit worrying about our son, and to make him find his own place and for us to concentrate on having fun, as we face this terminal diagnosis. "Okay," we said, "We'll quit worrying." We told ourselves we could do that. But doing it? That is tough. <BR> <BR> But there is NO way I'm even suggesting to my son that he needs to get out. He is going through Hell right now. Admittedly it is a Hell of his own making, but it doesn't make it ... Wed, 10 Jun 2015 08:45:28 EST Update Du & I went to our counseling session Friday. It went well. I wasn't sure how it could possibly help, as our situation is so bleak, but his advice: ENJOY life, HAVE FUN, and do NOT worry about son's situation. He suggested we tell son to get his own place NOW. But I'm not sure I can kick him out right now, he's struggling so much, although thIngs seems to be headed in the direction he wants--reconciliation with his wife. He spent most of this weekend at their house (as far as we know), and go... Mon, 8 Jun 2015 09:26:38 EST STRESSED OUT!!! I wrote a long blog last week about recent occurrences around here, but then decided it was just too personal, so I didn't post it. Suffice it to say that son's marriage imploded almost two weeks ago, his wife finally kicked him out (got tired of his lying and false promises to end his affair) and served him with divorce papers the following day. It is really hard to feel sorry for the situation he has caused, but he is still my son, and at 42, even though he's a grown man, when he cries, he... Tue, 2 Jun 2015 11:56:18 EST Birthday Party and Lunch I had a wonderful time at little Noah's first birthday party Saturday night. His mom and dad (my oldest son) hosted and they made tacos for everyone, and with her large family, I think there was 25 people there. She made lots of taco ingredients, and one of her sisters made a pretty rainbow cake. (I didn't have any, well, I'll be honest--I had one small bite of Duane's.) The guacamole was my favorite thing. I just love guacamole! Yesterday, I found some lower calorie (Reduced Guilt--implying ... Tue, 19 May 2015 10:46:58 EST Loss....and Anticipating Loss As we grow older, we experience so much loss in our lives. I think for that reason, more than any other, the statement "Growing Old is Not For Sissies," is true. Loss is so hard. I remember losing my mother suddenly in 1990, almost 25 years ago now. The loss was incredibly difficult. I was in a daze for a long time, and the pain was naked and raw. It has lessened over the years, and at last I can remember her with joy and love. So much of her is in me, she taught me just about everything I kn... Mon, 11 May 2015 15:44:23 EST The Hunger Beast I have done much self-analysis over the years. I try to figure out WHY I eat, WHAT is the worst time of day for me (for eating), and if there are certain foods that are triggers for me. I have not come up with many conclusions, but lately I have noticed I binge eat when I am hungry. Or at least, slightly hungry, and more often than not, I eat when I am bored. <BR> <BR> I got back on track Saturday, when I had the flu. it was not a stomach flu, just an achy all over kind of flu, I had no ener... Thu, 30 Apr 2015 10:06:25 EST Is This What Normal Feels Like? I got some kind of flu bug this weekend. It started Friday after dinner,. I had chills, not the kind that go away, but the deep chill where you could put a million blankets on and still be freezing. I knew during the night, I was getting sicker and by the time I finally got out of bed Sat. about 9, I was 100% sick. Every bone and muscle in my body hurt and I had absolutely no energy. I managed to get downstairs and about 10, I had a bowl of cereal. That's all the eating I did for the entire d... Mon, 27 Apr 2015 09:47:02 EST Sons None of my sons or other relatives read my blog here, so I feel somewhat safe in sharing private details about them. Perhaps I shouldn't, but it helps sometimes to talk about how much I worry about each of my three sons. <BR> <BR> My sons are all grown up and yet I continue to worry about them. (I edited out the details, after worrying I had exposed too much personal stuff.) So here I sit, still worried sick about all of them, and yet unable to do much to help. When does it stop, this worryi... Mon, 20 Apr 2015 10:30:43 EST The REAL Finish Line Sometimes we think, "When I get to that goal weight, I will be finished." And our belief that we will be finished is so false. We will never be "finished" until we are called home, and since most of us don't know when that will be, for now, we continue to be "works in progress." <BR> <BR> Even those years I spent in the 150's, weren't all spent at exactly 150 lbs. No, I fluctuated upwards (never downwards), and got close to 160 lbs. a few times before some event, (a magazine photo shoot, a T... Thu, 16 Apr 2015 10:44:45 EST Reading for Weight Loss/Maintenance Motivation I remember back in 1980, when I lost over 100 lbs., my sister-in-law gave me a stack of Weight Watcher magazines. I found the stories in the magazine so motivating and wished that I had MORE of those magazines to read to keep me going. Unfortunately back then, there wasn't much available to us, as far as published materials about weight loss. I'm not sure if I can blame that lack for my quick re-gain or not, but with the advent of the Internet and so many Weight Loss books/ programs/cookbooks... Tue, 14 Apr 2015 15:30:27 EST Everyday is a NEW Day....a NEW chance to START OVER! I have decided it's dumb to keep beating myself up over my failings as of late, over that 30-lb. regain in just three months since Christmas. That is behind me, (literally....I can tell some of that weight went to my butt, which I was so proud of because finally it was no longer the hugest part of me), and today is a NEW day. I had a good first week of April, as my new 6-month Diet Bet got underway. Practically immediately, I dropped from 185 to 178 lbs. But then I stayed at 178 for over a we... Mon, 13 Apr 2015 15:02:32 EST It's Pouring Here! We had a routine check-up with Du's Oncologist yesterday. The oncologist seemed content to ride out the radiation effects and not start new treatments yet. He is always telling us he wants to get everything we can out of each and every treatment before starting something new. Hopefully this will buy us more time. I showed him an article I found earlier this week about statin drugs helping extend the life expectancy of men who take them along with medication to reduce their hormone levels. Te... Thu, 9 Apr 2015 14:04:51 EST Easter Miracles Easter is a time of miracles. We Christians all know the most important miracle of Easter. But I have a few of my own, I realized as I was driving home yesterday from doing some last minute Easter dinner grocery shopping. <BR> <BR> Four years ago at Easter 2011, I was very close to goal weight, actually hitting my goal of 160 lbs. on April 15 that year. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> Seeing this picture in this particular blouse reminds m... Mon, 6 Apr 2015 10:17:11 EST Day One--Back on Track I feel so great today. More than just feeling better about my food choices, my knees aren't hurting quite as badly as they were and that is HUGE. It means I will be able to walk distances again as I try to get these pounds back off and that is so very important to me. <BR> <BR> I actually tracked my food for the first time in years yesterday. I had a very very good day with my eating. And because I know that exercise cannot make up for bad eating in weight loss/maintenance, I'm happy to say... Thu, 2 Apr 2015 09:45:03 EST Never Forget In the last three months, as I have struggled with maintenance, I have pushed the remembrance of morbid obesity humiliations out of my mind. But in the last few days, a few things happened that reminded me, and I realized I simply cannot go back to that 300 lb. PLUS woman that I was for so many years. <BR> <BR> 1. Blood Pressure Cuffs. Hubby has been so ill the last few days. Since finishing his radiation almost two weeks ago, we were looking forward to at least a period of him feeling bette... Wed, 1 Apr 2015 13:17:48 EST Maintenance Struggles Did anyone else watch Mike and Molly last night? I have liked this show from the start, probably because the couple isn't one of those gorgeous pairs you usually see on TV, but are "real" people, and like many of us, struggle with weight. The show originally started focusing on their fight with obesity, they met at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. But since the beginning, the show has kind of gotten away from their weight battle, and has focused on their relationship, as well as highlighting ... Tue, 24 Mar 2015 12:15:53 EST Binge Eating I never considered myself a "binger." I preferred to graze, eating a little bit....ALL THE TIME! I have come to realize that is not a lot different from binging, because I have been unable to quit eating ALL.THE.TIME. Isn't that binging? <BR> <BR> I'm not sure how to classify how I've been eating lately, but I'm going to come clean here, and tell you I've lost my way. I lost my way last year too, but found it again after joining a few Diet Bets and lost that 32-lb. regain. Since Christmas D... Thu, 19 Mar 2015 11:13:03 EST Life on the "Estate" with Du Du often says he is going to out to "survey the estate." That's how he jokingly refers to our little 3-acre spot of heaven here on earth. We both love living out here so very much, and the thought of having to move away makes us both so sad. I really appreciate all the great suggestions my friends have left me for downsizing and I promise to start, but not til Monday. When Du is home on the weekend, I devote myself to spending every moment with him. I know there will come a time when I won't ... Sat, 14 Mar 2015 14:21:57 EST Doctors We have had a lot of interaction with many doctors over the two years since Duane was diagnosed with Stage 4 Prostate Cancer. His Urologist (a member of the ONLY Urology Practice in town) had been part of our lives for several years before the diagnosis. Duane did not ignore his symptoms. He sought help and was diagnosed with BPH (Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia), which is a non-life-threatening problem common in many (if not most) older men. The prostate starts growing and this causes urination... Wed, 11 Mar 2015 10:22:49 EST Who Am I? I watched an interview that Charlie Rose did with Larry David last night on 60 Minutes. Charlie started off by asking him, "Who is Larry David?" It made me think about who I am. <BR> <BR> Who Am I? For years my self-worth has been all about that number on the scale. It probably still is. When I was morbidly obese, weighing over 300 lbs. for 30 years, I felt worthless, I actually hated myself, and felt undeserving of all that life has to offer. I always managed to put on a happy face as I mad... Mon, 2 Mar 2015 09:32:33 EST More Rough Times Are you sick of reading about my miseries yet? This is the place where I can unload my troubles. Even if nobody reads it, somehow it is cathartic for me to write about it. I do so appreciate all the supportive and helpful comments from those of you who stick by me. Thanks Spark Friends! <BR> <BR> Monday Du started radiation treatments. We will go daily (Mon-Fri) for four or five weeks. The radiation is two-fold. First, it is to shrink the prostate, which will hopefully help Du get rid of the... Thu, 19 Feb 2015 12:23:46 EST A Difficult Week It has been a difficult week for us. We have been to the doctor three days out of five weekdays, and radiation treatment for Du has been scheduled, starting Monday. He will be getting radiation for four to five weeks, five days of the week. It is NOT a cure. Not even close. Because his prostate is so huge, shutting off the bladder from the kidneys, they are hopeful the radiation might shrink it some and perhaps the nephrostomy won't be necessary anymore. They also discussed other options--ste... Sat, 14 Feb 2015 12:46:05 EST House Walking Hungry Girl (Lisa Lillian at Isn't she terrific?) has named something I've been doing for a long time. She calls getting extra steps in around the house, "House Walking." I love it. I have a house where a circular path from my kitchen, down the hallway and through the formal living room and dining room, then back to the kitchen is possible, and I have started utilizing it during these cold, snowy, SLICK months to get more steps in. Hungry Girl mostly emphasizes g... Tue, 10 Feb 2015 11:23:39 EST The Kiss The Kiss <BR> <BR> That kiss I failed to give you. <BR> How can you forgive me? <BR> The kiss I would have spent on you is still <BR> There, within me. It will probably die there. <BR> But it will be the last of me to die. <BR> <BR> Poem copyright © 2014 by the Estate of Kurt Brown, “The Kiss,” from I’ve Come This Far to Say Hello: Poems Selected and New by Kurt Brown (Tiger Bark Press, 2014). Poem reprinted by permission of The Estate of Kurt Brown and Tiger Bark Press. Introduction copyri... Mon, 9 Feb 2015 14:52:08 EST MIA and Health Crisis I haven't been to Spark for a few days, has it been a week? Maybe longer? My mind, body and heart have been with my beloved Du, as he continues this long battle with Cancer. While trying to stay on track with my eating, admittedly I haven't been as good as I know I can be, making the choice to binge on snacks once again and experiencing the weight gain associated with that. Every day I get up with resolve to do better. This week, I finally seem to be doing better. When I started this journey ... Thu, 5 Feb 2015 10:17:45 EST Non-Scale Signs that You Have Gained Weight When I was losing weight, you couldn't keep me off the scale. I was on that thing every single morning, and sometimes, again at night. I loved to see the numbers dropping. When I started maintenance, I still got on the scale often, maybe not daily, but several times every week. <BR> <BR> Then....when I slipped in the Fall of 2013, I quit hopping on the scale. I didn't want to see what it said. I bought a coat on-line and when it didn't fit, I knew I was in trouble. My size 10 jeans were incr... Thu, 22 Jan 2015 10:35:16 EST