LYNNWILK2's SparkPeople Blog LYNNWILK2's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Days from discharge WOWÉ it's been forever it seems since I have been outside and actually seen the sunÉ. my view doesn't have much of view except of a sliver of sky (which drives me nuts) and another building. I think this is the only unit that doesn't have a very nice view to itÉ t hey are very conscience about that sort of thing. But I have these really cool ceiling tiles, I will take picture of when I am able to get a camera in hereÉ they were painted by friends who actually are doing them for all the room... Thu, 7 Aug 2014 09:19:35 EST A bit early for a 6 month check in… But I found myself here checking on things (which the doctors warned me against) but I couldn't help myself, and so I decided to write. <BR> <BR> I miss you all very much, my dear friends from SparkPeople. <BR> <BR> My life is very much about hospitals, needles and lots and lots of medications and physical therapy right now. I am severely immune compromised so my life space is a room that is 20ftx15ft. I am given a few simple pleasures, a computer, a television, and my boyfriend is here ... Sun, 22 Jun 2014 17:58:25 EST and Life goes on…. It's been almost 5 months since my last update. I have been on my chemo and in and out of the hospital (in primarily) but am doing good right now. I am on round 3 of chemo and radiation and they are evaluating where to go next. All my chemo is gene based and tumor specific… so I know that the way I feel after the treatments I can deal with knowing that my body is really fighting with the poisons they are pumping through my body. <BR> A lot has changed… My dad is still doing great. My st... Tue, 11 Mar 2014 06:31:44 EST Well it's been about a month… Happy Halloween everyone! <BR> I am doing great in rebound from the surgeries from the middle of the month and the surprise surgery last Friday to remove my appendix (I still don't know why they don't just remove the unnecessary things while they are in there). <BR> My abdomen is all bandaged up and I have about 70+ staples along my midline and the pain pump is working very well. I am able to get up and down on my own again, thank God. I am also able to sleep about 8 hours every day. <... Thu, 31 Oct 2013 04:01:23 EST I am loving this weather... Fall has come to NC, the leaves are actually changing a bit here. In the mountains they are beginning to turn the yellows or reds... Unfortunately, I don't think I will make it up there. I do have a break in chemo in a few weeks and maybe I can convince someone to take me for a short trip up there. I can't stay in a hotel (too many germs) but we can make a day trip if a few of us go and they can take turns driving... <BR> It's cool and the skies are blue and it's beautiful. I have actually ... Thu, 26 Sep 2013 01:21:32 EST Things I learned in Crazy Camp... (I am going to try this again, my computer has been freezing the last week when I try to post) <BR> <BR> Hi all!! <BR> I have been really trying to work on the help (the toolbox) I received working on my triggers for my depression this past summer and I wanted to share some of them with you all... <BR> I learned a lot, I grew up a lot, and I am facing a lot and I am hanging in there with out flipping out (Or expecting to flip out with whatever news is coming down the pike)... so these thing... Fri, 6 Sep 2013 01:42:30 EST I HATE THIS AGE... I have come to age where our parents and the parents of friends and even friends are dying. A woman who was one of my mother's best friends and has been one of my step-mother's best friends, had a major stroke and was taken off life support yesterday evening. Dad and Jan (step-mother) returned yesterday from their trip, a few days early to be able to see Betty before the life support was turned off. It was a horrific scene. <BR> I picked my "folks" up at the airport and drove them straigh... Wed, 28 Aug 2013 07:17:35 EST Life is all about choices... I have returned to Sparks People because I have found that the tracking options and the blogging is something that can't be duplicated on any site or set up I have found or tried to set up. <BR> It's been a cool last weekend of August here after a hot and humid summer. The way this temperature fluctuations we've been having here makes me wonder what the winter will be life (spring? perhaps). <BR> Well, I am well on the road to having all the preparations for a long battle. <BR> I have had... Mon, 26 Aug 2013 08:58:48 EST This is a good bye to Sparks for quite a while. Hi Everyone, <BR> I am not even sure anyone will see this blog, but I wanted to check in and tell everyone that I will be leaving sparks for some time... <BR> In fact, I will am sort of shutting down my life, as I have known it for at least a year to come. <BR> I again have cancer... this time it is very serious, it's the same kind of cancer I had at the beginning of the year, but I also had this tumor growing at about the same time... the chemo kept it in check and went I went off the che... Fri, 19 Jul 2013 02:15:10 EST Alive and kicking... Life is exhausting right now. I am rarely at the computer at all these days. <BR> I come home after a day of very difficult work on my depression and anxiety <BR> and resolving some still unresolved issues from my past. I have learned a great <BR> deal, it is exhausting in a way I have forgotten. I literally come and want to go <BR> to bed from exhaustion. <BR> My episode with cancer at the beginning of the year was a difficult and exhausting experience for me and I never gave myself th... Tue, 2 Jul 2013 03:01:11 EST 8 days.... I have been going to a partial hospitalization program for group therapy and the 8 days are the number of days that I have been taking my meds as prescribed and sleeping in my bed, taking control back over in my life and dealing with the pain that was so horrific for months. <BR> There are a lot of issues with the location of the pain, the type of the pain and the results I have NOT gotten from doctors I have been passed around to... <BR> I have 6 more days of taking my meds at night and s... Thu, 30 May 2013 18:15:36 EST I'm around... ... I am doing a seriosu challenge right now of taking care of myself and making myself sleep every night and not push myself beyond what are some very fragile limits. <BR> Crazy camp is just that, it's crazy, but it's helping. I have to "contract" to take my meds every night and have to do it for 14 days in a row. They don't mess around. <BR> My back has not hurt today... such a huge relief, more than I realized it would be. <BR> I am doing alright. <BR> I appreciate all who are postng... Thu, 23 May 2013 21:22:58 EST It's a jumble of results They have run tests, some painful and some a bit rediculous, but they have run a lot of test. They have told me I have muscle strength and I am strong. They have told me that I have this and that and they need to eliminate other things before they can tell me what is actually happening to me. What seems obvious to me doesn't seem so obvious to them. So, I got to the different doctors offices, I allow them to do painful things and draw blood (a lot of blood). They want me to stay calm and ... Wed, 15 May 2013 08:01:58 EST Medical Testing and some recovery... Hi my wonderful Sparks friends... <BR> I have taken a few steps back from Sparks in the past month and I am sorry if I have upset anyone. Thank you all for the sparks mail and encouragement on my sparks page. It was necessary for me to take a leave at the time because I was a quite overwhelmed and in a great deal of physical pain. <BR> The last 5 months have been a battle and at some point I lost my sense of humor, which is what keeps me sane. It was at that point that I needed time to my... Wed, 8 May 2013 07:26:42 EST That which I greatly fear... Sparks coach challenge today was to do something that you are afraid of doing... <BR> it took me a while to decide what I could do that I was afraid of, having a list similar to Monk's (the tv character) list... only not as obsessive or compulsive. <BR> I have been in a basically pain free zone since Tuesday afternoon and what is my greatest fear right now and my great struggle, movement involving my shoulders, neck and upper back has been difficult to do... not for lack of movement, I am ab... Fri, 26 Apr 2013 19:21:10 EST The Quiet finally got loud enough for me to hear... Last week was, well let's just leave it there... it was. <BR> This weekend has been quiet. It's been fun, it's been laughing with friends and eating sweet sweet strawberries and watching friends crash soap box cars into each other. It's been singing with a band (oh yeah) and dancing... slowly moving and making my way across the floor without jarring my back (no jumping up and down... no jarring the spine). <BR> And finally tonight... it got so quiet that I finally heard it and it was won... Sun, 21 Apr 2013 23:57:19 EST 52 Weeks Week 3 I Applaud... I applaud everyone tonight. That is just how good I feel. <BR> I applaud those who have struggled through every minute of this week and have surived. <BR> I applaud those of you who have reached a new goal and are evaluating the next one to accomplish. <BR> I applaud the person who chose not to eat the breakfast muffin and went for a walk and came back and had oatmeal instead. <BR> I applaud the mighty warriors of their own journey's! <BR> I applaud everyone, really... <BR> I applaud the ... Fri, 19 Apr 2013 22:56:52 EST 52 Weeks Week 3 I Applaud... I applaud everyone tonight. That is just how good I feel. <BR> I applaud those who have struggled through every minute of this week and have surived. <BR> I applaud those of you who have reached a new goal and are evaluating the next one to accomplish. <BR> I applaud the person who chose not to eat the breakfast muffin and went for a walk and came back and had oatmeal instead. <BR> I applaud the mighty warriors of their own journey's! <BR> I applaud everyone, really... <BR> I applaud the ... Fri, 19 Apr 2013 22:56:52 EST Thank you!!!!!! I went to sleep yesterday mornng and slept the better part of the day... it was wonderful and healing and restorative. When I finally woke up completely, stretched and got out of bed it was evening. I know it messes up the daily schedule, but I had to sleep. <BR> Thank you to all who have left supportive comments and prayers. I have to say I felt the support. <BR> Steroids are not friendly. Those with the mix of the events of the week and the pain I had been experiencing had me at a poin... Fri, 19 Apr 2013 08:51:35 EST Prayers please... I need sleep. <BR> I have slept 9 hours since Friday, restful intentional sleep that is. <BR> I am on day 4 of the steroid treatment for the my nerve damage. <BR> When I lay still my body aches and my mind races. I can sit still for <BR> about 45 minutes. Then I get up and walk. I walk around the <BR> apartment. Last night I ventured out while on the phone with a good <BR> friend very late at night (around 2 am). I had to walk all the energy <BR> that has been building up and the agitatio... Thu, 18 Apr 2013 06:25:15 EST I applaud your runners!!!!!! I have been getting caught up on blog reading on one of my teams and a great deal of them in the last few weeks have been about a passion for running. I am falling in love wth runners. The way they talk about their sport, their passion, their "magic" (as one referred to it). <BR> After yesterdays bombing at the Boston Marathon... the passion of these people has been exposed. Everything became suddenly wrong (as is expected and experienced by most of the country) but for runners, it has reac... Wed, 17 Apr 2013 03:48:09 EST What a day... First and foremost, my prayers go out to the the residents of Boston, and also to runners and participants of the Boston Marathon and those in Boston to celebrate Patriots Day. It was supposed to be a day dedicated to the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shootings (the Marathon was dedicated to them). There was supposed to be a baseball game, and a number of other great celebrations that are now shut down and people are encouraged to stay in their homes and hotel rooms. <BR> P... Mon, 15 Apr 2013 20:23:52 EST Daily Challenges and streaks... I finally figured out what I was supposed to be doing about a month and a half after starting sparks. <BR> The articles and the tracking were something I took seriously and I learned a great deal about myself, fitness and nutrition and how to make all the puzzle pieces fit together. My weight loss has been slow. But it's present. My fitness was showing great results, I was addicted to it. My nutritional goals were making everything fit together wonderfully as I had gone totally organic ... Sat, 13 Apr 2013 18:29:51 EST First Do No Harm... is not a part of the Hyppocratic oath (original or modern versions). <BR> BUT... the overall meaning of "the oath" is to first take all that has been learned before, learned from the teachers, learned from the fellow peers and collectively bringing all that knowledge together to make one ideal doctor. <BR> That is basically the first oath. <BR> The second oath is that a a doctor will utilize "methods of treatment" according to the abilities and judgement (gathered from previous practitione... Thu, 11 Apr 2013 22:43:24 EST 52 Weeks: Week 2: Things that motivate me... This is my second list... <BR> this one was a bit more difficult as I am not feeling all that motivated right now, so I needed to do this list, now was a good time to remember the reasons I am doing this. <BR> <BR> I desire to live a healthy, happy life (movement and weight loss is the way to accomplishing that). <BR> My friends and family motivate me to be a better me. <BR> To overcome the pain and be able to move more freely. <BR> Really healthy food motivates me. <BR> My hearts des... Tue, 9 Apr 2013 12:17:07 EST 52 weeks: Week 1: Things that feel like home. I got this idea off Pinterest. <BR> 52 weeks a year, 52 lists of all things essential, necessary, loving, healthy, etc. <BR> Todays list I've been working on all weekend. I was sort of already picking up the feelings over the weekend and then I saw this idea and thought that it would be a great idea. <BR> I will include pictures sometimes.... <BR> the list today: <BR> Things that feel like home... <BR> *my sisters house <BR> *Dad's voice <BR> *Matt's video on his horse <BR> *good friends... Tue, 2 Apr 2013 17:16:46 EST The Last Holiday Celebration... Today my family, all but one sister, brother-in-law and nephew gathered at my oldest sisters farm for the last big family holiday celebration at her farm. Uncles, cousins, an Aunt, and my other siblings and their children all showed up quite early (around 11 am) for a day of great fellowship and food and thanksgiving. My family is not a religious family, most of us are more spiritual, so today's celebration was in part to a house that has seen us through most every holiday, family birthday,... Sun, 31 Mar 2013 21:18:17 EST My "little man" is home, bug repellent, and me... In response to my blog last night, where I sort of poured the heart of the day's anxiety out, thank you for those who took the time to work through the misspellings, poor grammar, and length of my blog. <BR> First and foremost, the cat is fine, he's bandaged up but I think he's gotten all the "vet" stench off him that he is able to without ripping into his bandage. I opted out of the cone for his head, I will just keep an eye on him. But he's ignoring it pretty much, I am sure it feels bett... Fri, 29 Mar 2013 15:27:25 EST My little man is alright!!!!!! Today was a bit shocking. I have lost more pets that were my buddies, my pals, my heart than I care to think about. Today, I found one of my cats laying on the floor beside the bed, his eyes were open, but he wasn't really responding (plus, he finds the softest places to lay down, so the floor was the first clue something was wrong). I picked him up very carefully supporting his neck and head and looked at his eyes, they focused on me in this helpless stare begging me to do something. He ... Thu, 28 Mar 2013 23:49:35 EST TEN THINGS I LIKE ABOUT ME... okay this is difficult, I have been working on this challenge for about 2 months now. I have been concerned it would sound really selfish, but since is what I like about me, how can you avoid the selfish thing... <BR> so here goes: <BR> 1) I am resilient... can't keep a good woman down! <BR> 2) I am courageous. I may be the afraid of weird things, but I face them. <BR> 3) I have a cute nose. <BR> 4) I have a good heart, both emotionally and physiologically. <BR> 5) I never give up on love... Wed, 27 Mar 2013 15:32:49 EST the lesson of being gentle with myself. Today, I am being kind and gentle with myself. I am reminded again that it was not more than a month ago that I had finished chemo and had surgery that have left a few rather major nerves damaged along my spine. <BR> I went grocery shopping yesterday and bought a bunch of different things that I can make some creative meal choices. So, to start off with I am cooking a big pot of rice in the slow cooker as a base for a few of my meals. <BR> I am makng Easter cards and being kind and gentle ... Thu, 21 Mar 2013 16:29:32 EST Today I want to fly... I want to put on a tootoo and stand on my toes and leap into the air and trust God will catch me and keep me afloat, at least for a few brief seconds. <BR> I want to forget that this body is tired, it's recovering and it's a bit broken right now. <BR> I want to move through the world with grace and ease, emotions in check because I just want to let go and leap into the air and trust God will hold me there. <BR> I have been so angry, so furious and frustrated that I have wanted to scream. ... Wed, 20 Mar 2013 18:31:07 EST Never Quite Pledge Today, I promise I will not quit. <BR> <BR> I pledge that no matter, how many ups and downs I pass through, I will continue on my journey. <BR> <BR> I pledge to make a NEW START today, and forgive myself for my past, and to stop being so critical of myself. <BR> <BR> I pledge to take control of myself, to stop making excuses, and stop blaming other people or situations. <BR> <BR> I pledge to treat myself as I would my best friend, because that is who I am. <BR> <BR> I pledge to stay... Wed, 20 Mar 2013 01:10:48 EST finding motivation... There are so many of us with pasts that we are not so very proud of, most of them are not even as a result of our own behaviors... but rather the shame of others. I can't tell you the number of times I have accepted the shame of others to derail my journey and send me spinning out of control with anger, depression, frustration, anger (I know it deserves to be said twice), feelings of worthlessness, and worst of all, leaving me ravaged with insecurities that just about paralyze me.... <BR> ... Tue, 19 Mar 2013 12:40:57 EST Three Recent Accomplishments: It's been a long really tough week, finding accomplishments in this past week has been difficult but there are a few that I can claim... <BR> <BR> 1) I asked for help when I knew I needed it. <BR> 2) I have exercised each day to improve the nerve sensitivity in my back and arms. <BR> 3) A friend has been here for a few days and we have tackled some really difficult issues that keep making me feel so horrible about myself and life... and I have been able to find ways of expressing those emo... Sun, 17 Mar 2013 15:17:59 EST learning the flexibility of a balanced life... If you look up the definition of flexibility in the dictionary you'll find a number of definitions depending on how you are using the word, the context. <BR> The main definition is the ability to be flexed or bent repeatedly. <BR> <img src=""> <BR> In life, being flexible is being adaptable to change, accommodating, freedom, opportunity, and let us not forget the all important resilience. <BR> So being flexible is being resilient ... ... Wed, 13 Mar 2013 19:22:34 EST All of life is Art! &#8206;"I think everything in life is art; what you do, how you dress, the way you love someone, and how you talk. Your smile and your personality. What you believe in, and all your dreams. The way you drink your tea, how you decorate your home, or party. Your grocery list. The food you make. How your writing looks. And the way you feel. Life is art." - Unknown. <BR> <BR> With evidence of spring beginning to pop out of the ground, the small crocuses and the tiny fragile buds on the tips of t... Mon, 11 Mar 2013 12:55:07 EST Not the typical Wednesday (what is typical anyway?) Today was not just the typical HUMP day... I was pulling myself across the peak of the week with hopes that I would make it to the evening hours so I could get back on a regular sleep schedule. <BR> I had a doctors appointment this morning that required an emergency follow up for a doppler of my lower leg to assess a possible blood clot... whew, no blood clot, but no answers as to what is causing the pain the outside of my leg, there will be an MRI soon to follow up on that. <BR> I also had... Wed, 6 Mar 2013 21:04:08 EST Blissfully loving... moving forward in the moment. At the end of 2012 I thought "my" word for 2013 would be the word "BLISS"- I saw it everywhere ... it may still become that, but with every battle, every journey there come hard work and pain and, yes, at 52 still still growing up. <BR> There grand moments of BLISS that have happened this year, a great friend has accomplished so many of her goals and is living a life she couldn't wouldn't even allow herself to dream about in October or even December. I feel BLISS for her. Other friends are ... Sun, 24 Feb 2013 22:18:50 EST I Choose... to live by choice (making healthy choices in all areas of my life most of the time) as opposed to living by chance. <BR> To make intentional changes and not excuses (have to work on this). <BR> I will be motivated and not manipulated (except for what my physical therapist does when he manipulates my back into place). <BR> I want to be useful, not used. <BR> To excel and not compete... I am the guardian of my own body and mind and it belongs to no body but me (have to remember this one mo... Tue, 19 Feb 2013 20:10:05 EST Preparations, comebacks, and speed bumps I have been struggling to get back on track with my exercising. Throughout the last 8 weeks I have been pretty much able to stay on track with my caloric intake and what is necessary for my body to heal and have the basic nutrient and caloric intake. I had one really bad off the road week, but have definitely learned my lesson- sugar, since I gave up direct sources of sweets I haven't really craved them. But a few weeks ago, I wanted some chocolate, didn't need it, just wanted it. And MAN ... Mon, 18 Feb 2013 23:53:53 EST Saturday Snow! Yesterday it was in the upper 60's and it got cold over night... we were expecting rain with a mix of snow later, buthe rain started about 6 am ... and now it's big puffy flakes of snow. I love watching it over the pond outside my windows. The geese are actually playing in it a bit (I think you could call it playing). The pond is not frozen as it has been warm most of the week. <BR> The geese are landing and taking off over and over again. I am glad they are back and WOW is it ever beautiful.... Sat, 16 Feb 2013 10:27:57 EST preparations for the week... <img src=""> <BR> <BR> check list: <BR> love yourself first <BR> love other people <BR> love your life <BR> love to move <BR> invest my loving myself <BR> invest my heart in loving other people <BR> take care of myself <BR> take care of others <BR> smile! Wed, 13 Feb 2013 16:32:48 EST The Underlying Commitment of Sparks People. Have you ever been so happy for a great friend that you just can't contain your joy? <BR> Well, what started out a long tedious day of self-evaluation and not coming up ahead of the game, I got a phone call that changed my whole attitude. <BR> This is one of the reasons I love sparks people. You want so much for other to succeed that often that surpasses anything you might be going through and a new attitude is adopted. There is an unwritten commitment, that when made that makes Sparks Pe... Tue, 12 Feb 2013 17:21:39 EST Confronting the Damage of a Bruised Body-Image It seems this past week I have talked to a number of people who are having <BR> issues with their body image (I share this same concern). If I go by how my <BR> clothes fit, I feel great; If go by what I see in the mirror- my image is distorted from what I see in my minds eye. And if I go by the scales, I am totally defeated. <BR> I have decided to come to terms once an for all with the way I REALLY look. <BR> My sister is a photographer, along with my father and step-mother. They are a... Sun, 10 Feb 2013 21:11:03 EST 7 Lovely Logics (from <BR> <BR> 1) Make peace with the past so it doesn't spoil your Present. <BR> 2) What others think of you is None of YOUR business. <BR> 3) Time heals almost everything, give the time, some time <BR> 4) No one is the reason of your happiness except you yourself. <BR> 5) Don't compare your life with others, You have no idea what their journey <BR> is all about. <BR> 6) Stop thinking too much, it's alright not to know all the answers. <BR> 7) SMILE, you don't all t... Thu, 7 Feb 2013 15:49:48 EST Discipline <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Beautiful sky!!! Inspired me today! <img src=""> <BR> Sometimes the fine line of what we really really want and what we just really want will trip us up... so keep your eye on the goals and keep moving forward and there will be signs of to encourage you along when you look close enough. Wed, 6 Feb 2013 18:47:43 EST Go Gently Forward and Be Not Afraid! <img src=""> <BR> <BR> It's time to reframe my thought process. I need to stop being afraid. I need to define myself by the who I know myself to truly be, not all the bad crap that everyone has in their lives, but by the positive love I have for people and myself. <BR> The worst things have already happened... being afraid of what else could go wrong will not really help myself or anyone else for that sake. <BR> Success is built on ... Mon, 4 Feb 2013 20:08:35 EST The Next Steps in Healing <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I will use this until it's off to the gym again. <BR> <BR> Life is really very good right now. <BR> There is no more cancer, or evidence of cancer in my body- as my blog said on Friday. <BR> I have a few more hurdles to over come to get back to the real gym again. <BR> But I have a great physical therapist who has set up a quite nice workout I can do through out the day, primarily to encourage a good blood fl... Sun, 3 Feb 2013 23:07:01 EST the labs, studies, scans results are all in... I am cancer free!!!!! <BR> <BR> 'nough said!!! <BR> <em>353</em> <em>356</em> <em>248</em> <em>334</em> <em>410</em> Fri, 1 Feb 2013 17:05:11 EST