LUCYJOY's SparkPeople Blog LUCYJOY's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community h I quit trying awhile ago. I find life to be very difficult most days. My bounce back is warn out. <BR> <BR> But, I've continued to eat what I should for the most part. Last year, I got to drop one dosage of a pill. In the last 6 weeks, I've not needed another pill that I use to have to take every day for swelling. My glucose numbers are good. But I remain fat and I find that unfair-but then when has life been fair? So celebrating the fact I need less medicine. <BR> <BR> I've never l... Tue, 17 Sep 2013 13:40:33 EST I'm admitting failure-uncle, I'm done. Well, I've made some healthier changes but I am giving up. I'm fat and too depressed to do what I need to do. Maybe in another lifetime. <BR> <BR> My 16 year old got bad news today-the school refuses to allow his transfer credits and they refuse to allow him into the programs that would allow him to finish school at 18 instead of 19. <BR> <BR> You know, my older kids hate me for home schooling them. They told me I ruined their lives. Now I'm living with the reality that I ruined this on... Thu, 22 Aug 2013 18:41:54 EST just rattling on Watched extreme weight loss again hoping for inspiration. I did walk a bit on my treadmill, but not much. <BR> <BR> I put a mirror in my house last month-haven't had one for years. I hoped seeing myself would make me realize I need to work on myself. It's helping with the overeating but honestly, it's also helping me see so many new flaws in myself. <BR> <BR> Been getting up from the computer more and trying to be up on my feet at least. I cleaned and decluttered some yesterday. Tryi... Wed, 31 Jul 2013 14:26:27 EST Battling myself Still down. I've been praying a lot about my inability to stick to this healthier life plan. Been praying a lot about where I go from here. I can pray, I can write, I can want, I can dream but what is missing is the doing. I'm not doing anything. <BR> <BR> I've had trouble getting myself out of bed the last few weeks. I thought I had that part beat but nope, it's back. So the alarm clock is back as well. I spend hours accomplishing nothing and wondering why I cannot move forward. <BR>... Mon, 29 Jul 2013 18:29:49 EST The truth is ugly and I'm still FAT I'm not any good at this. I cannot seem to stick to any plan for any length of time. The changes I try to make do not stick. What is wrong with me? I hate the way I look and I don't like who I've become. <BR> <BR> Was thinking a lot about the choices and decisions I've made in my life and I've done a lousy job. I don't trust myself anymore and that makes changing difficult. I am getting in my own way and I'm not sure how to stop. <BR> <BR> Was watching extreme weightloss last night.... Wed, 24 Jul 2013 18:07:48 EST Grouchy still I'm having a really hard day today and decided I better stop talking to people because I sound like a crazy person. <BR> <BR> My 7 year old grandson dumped his bike on the blow up pool we bought yesterday and popped it. My husband didn't want me to buy it at all. <BR> <BR> My teen got caught hiding things and lying again then got mad when I informed him that this wasn't helping him earn his trust. He told me that I didn't need to know what he was doing and if I didn't know, it was okay... Tue, 25 Jun 2013 15:44:15 EST Depression makes me whine Reading about all these people working really hard toward their goals and making progress. Know what I'm doing? Eating and watching. Why? Because I'm depressed and crazy and lazy and not liking life much. <BR> <BR> I joined an obesity support group yesterday. I stopped expecting to lose weight a long time ago. I keep trying to make myself focus on health, and some days that works-but not this week. This week, my depression is winning. I am sad, I am down, I am tired of trying. <BR>... Tue, 18 Jun 2013 15:36:35 EST Still eating through my problems-sigh Wondering today what it truly means to be strong. Not feeling very strong today-just worn out. <BR> <BR> Went on a 10 day vacation so I should be revived, right? Came home to lots of drama, lots of work that should have been done but wasn't and now playing clean up before the next trip-this time the family one. <BR> <BR> The only thing I know for sure today is this isn't the life I want. I also know that if I want a different one, I have to be strong enough to go get it. I am wondering ... Mon, 17 Jun 2013 16:44:25 EST Struggling with my inner demons Was doing well and then BAM, Memorial Day slapped me and I wasn't ready for the impact. Melt downs are no fun. Panic attacks are less fun. My husband is tired of this and so he decided I should do certain things. I told him NO. He spent the rest of the evening telling me how stupid I am. <BR> <BR> And I wondered for a long time how I've allowed this to continue for over 20 years. I guess I always felt like since he didn't hit me, it didn't matter. But all I felt like doing was running... Thu, 30 May 2013 15:03:54 EST Starting again with success in mind Tried to blog yesterday about being in my own way but "poof" eaten by cyber space. <BR> <BR> Feeling far more motivated today but sadly, starting all over again. I've had zero success in the several years I've been here but maybe this time. <BR> <BR> I've exercised today and am eating better. I was doing great but I'm drinking a mountain dew kickstart-my new addiction and it's got to go. This is my ONE for the week and then NO more. I should go dump it out but I cannot make myself do it... Mon, 13 May 2013 15:36:11 EST Just stopping in Haven't been around much as I've not been doing much. My foot continues to be a problem and now is severely infected with an unidentified something. (And I paid for this diagnosis) So, I spend my days with my foot propped up bored to death waiting for the stupid thing to heal. <BR> <BR> My twins would have been 24 today-one is, but he's disowned me and the other is of course, gone from this earth. Sad day for me. <img src=""> <img s... Tue, 23 Apr 2013 18:13:02 EST Replacing lost sodium and other medical fun. I've never been a big exerciser so it doesn't take much for me to sweat. Before killing my foot, I was working on being more serious. I sweat a great deal when I exercise and when I sleep. My blood work is showing that my body is not retaining enough sodium and my doctor does think this could be a possible cause. So, how do serious exercisers replace sodium without adding sugar and calories? <BR> <BR> Decided Monday is my new trial date to try out the foot for exercise. I'm getting fa... Fri, 5 Apr 2013 13:17:38 EST Just down a bit Today is not a good day. Trying to write myself a new exercise plan that I can do without my foot. The sun is out and it's a bit warmer and I'm trying hard to find joy in that. <BR> <BR> It's tough to accept the fact that my children don't want to be around me. I didn't think I was a bad mom but I must have been. Since the youngest got his license I'm watching him making the same dumb decisions his older brother's made. And his grades are dropping. I'd hoped he'd choose better. <BR> <... Thu, 28 Mar 2013 15:30:11 EST foot update Love it when I pay a doctor for stupid advice. $91 (after my 30% discount)-first he tells me he thinks there's a deep bone bruise that's worse then the fracture. He wants to do an MRI to get a better look. I told him I didn't have insurance. Oh. <BR> <BR> Well, he suggested I could wear a boot ($400 from him or $35 on Amazon) but I didn't have to. Or I could put this toe thing in my shoe. I finally stopped him and asked, "What happens if I do nothing? Oh, it should heal fine. <BR>... Wed, 27 Mar 2013 16:20:30 EST Still wating Haven't blogged for a few days as I'm not making positive progress. <BR> <BR> Going to see the ortho doc tomorrow and see what he says about my foot. Husband is very angry about this but he'll get over it or he won't. <BR> <BR> Looking forward to seeing my siblings and nieces and nephews on Easter. Sad that only one of my own children will be there and of course, my mom will be missed. But it's always nice to get together. <BR> <BR> I'll post more once I see the doctor. Tue, 26 Mar 2013 15:19:15 EST Old fracture-to fix or not to fix Well, apparently, I did fracture my foot back in January and it's not healing correctly. Ortho doc wants a lot of money so debating doing nothing. The pain is minor at this point and I don't feel like I've lost any use of my foot. What happens, I wonder, if I choose to do nothing? <BR> <BR> Off my treadmill again-for blistering on my other foot. Can't seem to win with this exercise thing. Guess I'll have to learn to chair dance. I do have some upper body and leg exercises I can do with... Thu, 21 Mar 2013 12:25:32 EST Interesting blood test results My diabetes is under control with my A1C at 5.5 and fasting glucose at 98. My cholesterol was slightly up and I'm suppose to go on a low cholesterol diet. I've been on one my entire life. I track that and it's not an issue. I assume cookies is the issue. <BR> <BR> The weirder tests were low sodium and calcium. I'm a sun junky and take vitamin D so I should be absorbing it okay and I drink milk. Confused on this one. From researching I'd guess I am drinking too much water and not getti... Thu, 14 Mar 2013 15:48:27 EST still bummed To exercise, or not to exercise, that is the question. Doc aggravated my foot injury yesterday and my opposite ankle is giving me trouble. Asking myself it these are excuses because I'm depressed or legitimate injuries I don't want to do more damage to. <BR> <BR> Yesterday was just at total melt down day and I got up with a better attitude today. But it's trying to leave. I know the pills will take a few days to start having any effect. The sun is out today and it's suppose to be warm... Thu, 14 Mar 2013 12:17:34 EST Dr. apt and still bummed Saw this in an article today and it felt like it was talking to me- "When you stop doing things for fun, you might as well be dead" credited to Hemingway. <BR> <BR> Yep, that's how I feel-not like I want to die, but like the walking dead. <BR> <BR> Went to visit my doctor today for routine diabetes check up. Cost me $385 with my $83 discount for cash pay. He did tons of blood work but also took an x-ray of the foot I injured in January that still isn't healed. It's not broken, though. H... Wed, 13 Mar 2013 15:34:00 EST Feeling blue I am so ready for spring. I'd planned to be very productive today but my depression seems to be getting the best of me. Or maybe it's anxiety. I have to go to the doctors before he'll refill my diabetic meds. I don't want to go. This is routine and normally not an issue so why now? I've been twice since my son's death. Ugh. I got up the nerve to call and got the machine-out to lunch. GRR. Try again later if I remember. <BR> <BR> I got my treadmill done and am happy with my forward... Tue, 12 Mar 2013 14:43:34 EST Monday and back to my plan Did 2.25 miles in my 45 minutes today-I'm getting faster. Did some punches with my weights as well as I've been told this is helpful. I figure it certainly cannot hurt. <BR> <BR> I was glad I didn't gain weight over the weekend. Cookie binging big time. I told my husband I need to take my treadmill and go live elsewhere for a month. Wish I could. <BR> <BR> The grocery money never seems to stretch far enough for me to get the healthy stuff I need. I got fed up this weekend and took the... Mon, 11 Mar 2013 17:32:54 EST Reluctant but still exercised. I didn't want to walk on my treadmill today, but I did-arguing the whole way. I did a better distance then I have done before so glad I forced myself. I'm down today and my anxiety is high. I'm sure it's due to my son's driver's test this afternoon and that I'll be fine once it's over. <BR> <BR> I slept later then I meant to, forgot to start the laundry and ate cookies for breakfast. Never a good start but I'm back on track now and will even things out as the day goes on. <BR> <BR> Wa... Thu, 7 Mar 2013 14:09:24 EST Just checking back in Been sick and out of energy for over a week. I'm beginning to feel human again. I want to get back to exercising but my body isn't cooperating. I can manage about 10 minutes on my treadmill and then fits of coughing. Fine, I'll do my 45 minutes in 10 minute segments at a higher speed. I refuse to give up. First my foot, then the illness. It's not going to win. <BR> <BR> I was thinking today while I was walking that I don't think I can put my life back together without some help. I am... Wed, 6 Mar 2013 13:36:48 EST Struggling to get it together today I'm not doing well today. Ugh. I got overly depressed yesterday-man I hate holidays, especially ones that remind me how alone I really am. So I did what any good emotional eater does and blew off eating a healthy dinner and went to the local mini mart and got grilled cheese and curly fries. Yep, that'll fix things. <BR> <BR> And, I made my husband one of those easy cheesecakes he likes and ate not one but two of those pieces cause we all know cheesecake appreciates me even if no one else... Fri, 15 Feb 2013 12:05:54 EST Just another day Got my walking down and felt good until the sun disappeared. Funny how something so simply as the weather can effect me so much. But, knowing it's just the lack of son eases the depression a bit. <BR> <BR> So, today is Valentine's Day. Well, my husband informed me earlier this week that we weren't doing Valentine's Day and not to even think about it. Okay. (This is not news, he seldom recognizes holidays) Saves me from pretending I care. I know I should, but I don't. <BR> <BR> I didn... Thu, 14 Feb 2013 15:06:57 EST I think I can do this 3 days in a row on my treadmill! I feel really good today. My calories were a tad over yesterday but part of that was due to a glucose dive that required juice and I did buy a valentine chocolate. It happens. I went shopping today and didn't buy any chocolate and there was plenty around. <BR> <BR> Was dragging this morning when I got started walking and got interrupted twice in the first 5 minutes, first by the dogs wanting out and second by a call from the school-child got suspended for... Wed, 13 Feb 2013 16:31:41 EST Up and down and up... Yesterday was a good day. I realized I was happy and that hasn't happened since my son died over a year ago. I've had moments of joy in that time but I was just happy yesterday. Got back to my treadmill and not up to speed but did my 45 minutes and it felt great. I got a ton of things done that had been piling up and even left the house alone for the first time in a long while. I managed to find some old walking shoes in my closet with wider tops that I can get on my foot. My foot still... Tue, 12 Feb 2013 16:41:47 EST Just rambling Feeling rather fed up with life right now so I decided I better get off my butt and change things. So, I chopped up some peppers so they'd be ready for cooking this week and I didn't buy any cereal or junk to much on that isn't good for me. <BR> <BR> I have a list for tomorrow and will be hitting my treadmill. I think the majority of what's still ailing on my foot is just lots of bruising. Can't wear my shoe but I prefer barefoot walking anyway. <BR> <BR> Got my car full of gas so I ca... Sun, 10 Feb 2013 17:53:23 EST just in a bad mood today Wonder if this blog will disappear into oblivion like the last one I wrote. Never know ahead of time. <BR> <BR> Having a very down day and hoping it's just the gloomy (much needed) rain that's got me down. I hope so because the sun is suppose to return tomorrow. Shed lots of tears with this mornings rain and fought them most of the day. I did attempt to walk but after 20 minutes at an oh so slow pace, my foot let me know it was a bad idea so I stopped. <BR> <BR> I'm feeling agitated and ... Thu, 7 Feb 2013 18:09:33 EST Of course, tech issue ate my blog yet again. I so hate when I blog and hit post and it says-"Invalid password". Really? It works for everything else. And of course, there is no back button to recover the lost blog. Stupid. Wed, 6 Feb 2013 17:28:31 EST Mad at my klutzy self I'm so mad at myself. I exercised today and then promptly dropped an almost full bottle of body wash on the worst part of my injured foot. Swelled immediately. Guess me and my chair are going to become friends again. I'm so angry. There is always something in my way. I just want to scream. Oh well, chair exercise anyone? <BR> <BR> I did track yesterday and tracking today. Did okay for the most part-a little over on the fat and a tad low on the protein. (peanut butter-love it but it's... Tue, 5 Feb 2013 15:19:43 EST Battling the comfort eating. I suddenly had this urge to eat but I just ate an hour ago. So I stopped and thought, what is going on? Oh, I had a stressful conversation with a client who insists on making very simple things incredibly difficult. I thought last month she was going to stop using me but she didn't. I'm honestly not smart enough to do this job and that bothers me. I hate to admit my short comings. I should be able to do this job. I should be able to learn the things I don't know, but I haven't succeede... Mon, 4 Feb 2013 17:02:23 EST Just a blog 2 Well, I made it 14 minutes at 2 miles an hour walking on my treadmill today which is 4 minutes more then yesterday and a little faster. Man, I am so ready for this foot to be healed. Patience is not my strong point. <BR> <BR> I did reluctantly start tracking my food. I ate some chocolate chips and couldn't find those listed on my tracker so I added them. Unfortunately, I typed the fat content in wrong and cannot find a way to fix it so I put it in again. Hope nobody uses the bad one. I ... Thu, 31 Jan 2013 18:02:02 EST Trying to get back to moving forward Foot is healing so decided to slowly start using it. I got on my treadmill and walked at a horribly slow pace for 10 minutes. If I tried turning the treadmill higher, I felt foot pain so I turned it back down and behaved. It started to hurt a bit at 9 minutes so decided that 10 was a good start. Going to elevate it and ice it a bit today and try again tomorrow. I want to get moving but I need to let my foot heal and rehab slowly so trying hard to make myself stick to a reasonable plan. <... Wed, 30 Jan 2013 14:05:34 EST Stupid foot, I'm bored. It is incredibly boring sitting here with my foot propped up. My toe survived but the left side of my foot is still swollen all the way through. I decided to behave myself and not try to walk on my treadmill. I am sitting with my stupid foot propped up and am hoping that by Monday I can get back to work on my exercise plan. I had considered doing other exercises and may do some arm weights but decided anything that requires foot motion is out for today anyway. <BR> <BR> I will bake a bir... Thu, 24 Jan 2013 12:54:40 EST Unavoidable obstacles I did great on my treadmill today (for me). I even ran a little. Got farther then yesterday at a better speed. Feeling good and thinking I can do this. <BR> <BR> Then, what do I do? I go to put wood into our wood stove and this huge piece of wood falls off the pile and onto my bare foot. OUCH! But worse, I think it got me pretty good, I'm sitting here trying to figure out how I'm going to work out tomorrow which is funny since I can barely stand on the stupid thing. I'm hoping it's ... Wed, 23 Jan 2013 15:49:23 EST My treadmill doesn't agree with my tracker Still walking 5 days a week. Up to 45 minutes but still way slow on the speed. (A little over a 2 min mile pace) I did notice that my spark tracker and my treadmill are not in agreement on the calories burned. There's at least a 50 calorie difference. I wonder why that is. Doesn't matter as right now I'm just working on building my time and making it a habit so I don't feel like I'm dragging myself to the torture chamber everyday. I'll worry about speed and calories later. <BR> <BR> Spe... Tue, 22 Jan 2013 16:43:21 EST The rambling brain is all over the place My son's school is closed until Tuesday due to illness. He's better today but still coughing. I keep telling him not to invade my germ free bubble-LOL. <BR> <BR> I had spaghetti legs this morning and had to wait to start my walking. I thought I might be catching sons illness but it could've been my glucose or something else. It did go away and I did walk. My second walk I struggled again and stopped twice. I'm still having trouble knowing if my sweating is due to exercise or low glucos... Thu, 17 Jan 2013 18:31:24 EST Anxiety is winning Struggling to cope with things today and not sure why today is any different then any other day. My anxiety is extremely high and I can't pin point any one reason for this. <BR> <BR> I'm upset about my son, who is in prison's impending additional trial. I don't know if he's guilty or not. I feel like I'm suppose to go to his trial, after all, I am his mother and he's alone. But I don't want to. He KNEW leading life this way would land him in jail. He knows right from wrong and chooses ... Wed, 16 Jan 2013 11:40:12 EST Stressed spelled backwards is-AHA!! I have discovered my problem-someone posted a poster on another site today that says, "Stressed spelled backwards is desserts". Yep, that's it. I've seen this poster before but it was funny today as I was just thinking, if I want to get healthy, I'm going to have to stop feeding my stress sugar. <BR> <BR> That is where my brain goes. I feel stressed, I want to eat sweet tasting foods. I tried losing the stress but life has other plans for me. So, I must conquer this thinking and learn to... Tue, 15 Jan 2013 13:37:56 EST Life, life, whine, whine. Well, I'm still being useless and non productive. Might have something to do with a prison phone conversation and bad news concerning my incarcerated son. I'm worn out and confused and sick of trying to make sense of the world. <BR> <BR> I did all my exercise yesterday but stalling today. Need to get to it. My eyes hurt and my head aches-most likely from stopping myself from crying. It's so not helpful sometimes. <BR> <BR> Yesterday, it rained-into my dining room. I need to throw a "... Fri, 11 Jan 2013 15:38:20 EST Hiding behind my fat. I think I'm using my fat to keep people away from me. Right now, I'm embarrassed to be seen by anyone, even strangers. I look and feel horrible. Working a bit harder today on that but it hadn't occurred to me that I was doing this. <BR> <BR> Its easy to keep eating and not exercising and lounge around in stretchy PJs then to deal with the world. It's not really what I want though. My jeans don't fit my fat self anymore so are buttoned low under my large, shaking, flab of a stomach. ... Thu, 10 Jan 2013 16:40:08 EST Feeling FAT I can feel my fat. I feel myself waddle when I walk. This is new for me. Usually, I don't feel fat. How depressing. You think this would motivate me to eat better and exercise more. Instead, it motivates me to hide in my house. I'm very depressed by this. I was already struggling to make myself function and now? I don't want anyone to see me-EVER. <BR> <BR> I am using my treadmill 2 times a day for 15 minutes and have increased my speed. I know this is not enough but I am so out of... Tue, 8 Jan 2013 13:07:57 EST abcd Anxiety binging today and unsure why. I have been meeting my goal this week in regards to the treadmill. I started at 10 minutes twice a day and now at 15 minutes early and 10 minutes late and my speed is increasing. Inching my way up. <BR> <BR> But the food thing is beating me and I'm not sure why that is and I can't seem to make myself control it. I started writing yesterday-just random thoughts. It's about 16 pages long now. Not sure what I'll do with it when I'm done or if I ever d... Fri, 4 Jan 2013 16:51:53 EST OOPS-failure to plan is a bad plan Well, yesterday, in preparation for my new plan, I ate a ton of junk food so it wouldn't be here. (Oh, that doesn't work?!) So then I decide well, I'll eat on schedule today. Good plan. So, I start with the last piece of pie for breakfast.... <BR> <BR> But then I made a fatal mistake. I forgot to eat on time. I got distracted. So then I think, oh, I'll get dressed and cut up that pineapple.... So, I go into my bathroom and I start getting really hot and sweating. And I'm thinking, w... Fri, 28 Dec 2012 15:27:05 EST Just a blog I've been living the last year in a fog of grief but I did manage for several months to get up everyday and get dressed. Might not sound like any big deal to anyone who hasn't lost a child, but for me? It is success. But I'm ready to try a little more. It's really cold here and I've decided to buy myself a treadmill for my birthday. I get bored and need something to do during the day that doesn't require sitting. I've been decluttering but I think more movement would make me feel bette... Thu, 27 Dec 2012 17:57:42 EST bah humbug Well, so much for Christmas spirit. My sister's flight was cancelled. She's stuck in the Atlanta Airport and says all flights are full for today, tomorrow, and Saturday so guessing they'll end up going back to Myrtle Beach and not get to be here for Christmas. Now I'm really, really sad. Well, I tried to suck it up and figure out how to get through this. FAIL as usual. What else is new. And yes, I know, there are people worse off them me currently burying their children-I know. Suck... Thu, 20 Dec 2012 15:33:24 EST Christmas thoughts Well, my dog decided it should be Christmas today and was trying to open a few gifts this morning. UMMM-those were NOT her presents. She will find her self on the naughty list. So, my son covered all the packages with towels. The middle half of the tree lights quit working as well. <BR> <BR> We have some wild tree stories. My favorite was the year my 3 youngest sons decided to put the tree up. They were horsing around, broke the stand and the top off the tree. So, they lean the tree... Wed, 19 Dec 2012 16:01:18 EST Just an insane meltdown. Having a lovely meltdown today and trying not to binge my way through it. I don't think I'd like to have a heart attack before my next birthday. I think my natural chemicals or hormones or something is just out of whack today. And coupled with the holidays and my never ending grief it's just not going well. <BR> <BR> I'd really like to be a functional human being but I'm not. I'm flipping crazy. And I suppose I have lots of reasons to be crazy(and I can't find enough reasons to be sane, ... Fri, 7 Dec 2012 15:24:44 EST one year ago.. One year ago today, my life was forever changed in a matter of minutes. I cannot believe my son has been gone a year. And by the way, no matter what anyone tells you, time does not heal all wounds, things do not get better with time, and losing a child is different then any other loss. I lost my mother just a few months ago. Maybe it was the loss of her memory, her lack of quality of life, or simply the expectation of her death that is the difference, but I seem to be able to move on from... Tue, 4 Dec 2012 17:37:55 EST