LILLIPUTIANNA's SparkPeople Blog LILLIPUTIANNA's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Ghosts in the Pantry I had a super cool panic-eating incident just a bit ago. <BR> <BR> Panic-eating is like binge eating, but with a certain amount of anxiety attached to it. The feeling that there's no food and that there never will be food again takes over my brain. <BR> <BR> Before I started fixing my dinner, I looked to see what was in the fridge. Usually, I keep the fridge stocked with staples. But I didn't get to go grocery shopping on Sunday. So, my supplies are low. <BR> <BR> I grew up PO... Wed, 4 Nov 2015 18:35:11 EST Thick Today my ankles didn't feel thick. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> (It helps to wear chunky shoes.) Wed, 14 Oct 2015 22:02:47 EST The Starving Artist Yesterday, I turned a painting in to an art show. It was an "outsider" art show (in case you are an'll know what that means). It's a pretty great space. Lots of traffic. Good vibe. All the usual stuff people say about such shows. <BR> <BR> It's for the Halloween season. <BR> <BR> Normally, I avoid public display of my artwork. The exception is Facebook (I share stuff there), and academic settings. I've been in plenty of university level shows. But as far as commercial gallerie... Fri, 9 Oct 2015 11:07:42 EST Being Small How can we become something greater, when all we can think about is becoming smaller? <BR> <BR> Who wants to be small? <BR> <BR> Who doesn't want to be small? <BR> <BR> I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "I want to be HEALTHY. I don't want to be small." <BR> <BR> But are you sure about that? <BR> <BR> Would you be happy if you were 50 pounds overweight, but healthy? <BR> <BR> I mean, really... <BR> <BR> Would you? <BR> <BR> Where I work, people talk a lot about being "fit."... Sun, 27 Sep 2015 12:16:05 EST The Downward Spiral Even though lately I have been resisting the idea of trigger warnings, I am going to issue a trigger warning for this blog. The reasons for my resistance to the concept are for another time and another blog. <BR> <BR> **TRIGGER WARNING** <BR> <BR> <BR> Right off the bat, I need to say that eating disorders never go away. Once they are established, you are stuck with them. Research says this. Studies say this. Over and over we find that once the patterns are established they remain through... Sat, 5 Sep 2015 16:14:25 EST Reality is Overrated Today's just one of those days when I want to get whisked away to a magical land, because being a grown-up sucks. <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> Thu, 27 Aug 2015 22:25:52 EST On Track Four pounds in three weeks. That puts me right on track. I wish it was as easy as twenty more weeks equals twenty more pounds. (It's never that easy.) Sun, 23 Aug 2015 11:56:53 EST Visuals There are a few numbers that roll around in my head. Right now the big one for me is 142. That's my current weight. It is ten pounds overweight for me. I tend to think of myself as being freakishly large. I know that's not the case. So, I have to check BMI visualizer programs to get an idea of where I'm at. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> This is 142. <BR> <BR> Now, I need to state, for vanity's sake, that my breasts... Sat, 15 Aug 2015 13:06:05 EST Baby Fit Three weeks of doing everything right. Not only have I not lost any weight. I've gained a pound. <BR> <BR> Now, save me the "it's water weight" or "maybe you aren't measuring things correctly" speeches. I did have salty chips last night...but that doesn't explain the rest of the three weeks when the scale didn't budge a smidge...until today when the number went up. (And for the record, I've been here at SP for a long time...So, it's not like I expected everything to magically happen in three... Fri, 14 Aug 2015 11:31:06 EST Cast Adrift All the articles Spark People has posted on my homepage for me to read are old. In internet terms, they are super old. <BR> <BR> 2012? Seriously? Do they need writers? Has SP been run by the fitness advice version of Hal 2000 since 2012? <BR> <BR> I'm starting to worry that we are adrift on a ship that has no captain nor crew. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> Mon, 20 Apr 2015 18:15:50 EST Hitting the Mark I just saw a blog about how aiming for perfection was a bad thing. <BR> <BR> I don't believe that. I thought I believed that, but it turns out I don't. <BR> <BR> Part of being alive is the struggle to become something better. When we give up, when we settle, that's when we start to fall apart. <BR> <BR> You can settle if you want to, but I don't want to. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> Sun, 19 Apr 2015 16:19:05 EST You Need A New Point Of View <img src=""> Thu, 19 Mar 2015 13:37:22 EST Rockin' It Go Kaleo speaking truth. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> Wed, 18 Mar 2015 12:41:11 EST Victory Garden I just had the realization that if I work in my garden for 90 minutes every day, I can eat an insane* amount of calories. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <BR> *Insane is a relative term and is used in the context of being a person who has had eating disorders most of her life. Also, gardening is an exercise on the Spark People fitness tracker. It burns a lot of calories. You should use it. I highly recommend it. Sun, 15 Mar 2015 23:50:16 EST A Stranger's Drink I drink coffee every morning. My body requires it. Without it, I would probably die. You think I'm exaggerating. Well, stop thinking and read my story. <BR> <BR> I went to S_____ks this morning. (Fill in the blank, Sparkers. They make coffee. They like green mermaids. I hope we're on the same page now.) I ordered my usual iced venti soy latte. Everyone there knows me. One of the girls said hi to me, chit-chatted, and then handed me my drink. She handed it to me. I trust her. So, I took it. I... Sat, 14 Mar 2015 11:41:09 EST The Politics of Housework Sunday is the day I do most of my housecleaning. I could work on it all week, and get it done slowly, in little chunks, but I don't. I'm sure most of you know how this is. I work. I shuttle people back and forth to school. I fix dinner. By evening, what "free time" I have is spent staring at the wall. <BR> <BR> This last week was particularly taxing. I'm recovering from a seriously sprained ankle. Work has been filled with hectic political shenanigans. "The Boys" (the males who live in my ho... Sun, 8 Mar 2015 17:42:37 EST Goals... The Oatmeal is a fountain of wisdom. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> Tue, 23 Sep 2014 15:55:00 EST What's That Elephant Doing In Our Room? I see this so often. <BR> <BR> Don't be afraid of REAL food! <BR> <BR> <img src=""> Fri, 12 Sep 2014 17:00:35 EST Playing Hooky Today I will be playing hooky from work. <BR> <BR> I'm not going to get in trouble or anything. <BR> <BR> I just can't handle people today. <BR> <BR> I've told you in previous posts about my coworkers, my "friends." They are difficult to handle when I'm in a good mood. Today, I have no ability at all to deal with their weirdness. <BR> <BR> Especially after yesterday, with the strangers and new workers asking me what I want to be when I grow up, as I was standing in front of them, knee d... Thu, 7 Aug 2014 10:28:44 EST A Butcher, A Baker, A Candlestick Maker... Today is the day when complete strangers give me the "what do you want to be when you grow up" speech. Never mind that I'm a grown adult, with a union job, who has to wear nice shoes to work, has to sit through meetings, or that I'm in a field that is in high demand. Apparently, something about me today is giving off the "unsure young adult" vibe. <BR> <BR> I figured by now that people would start treating me like a grown up. I have tons of white hairs. I have some wrinkles. I'm not a size ... Wed, 6 Aug 2014 15:56:12 EST The Case Of The Missing Data I'm starting to think it's strange that I can't find long-term success rate data regarding Spark People. I can find it for Weight Watchers. I can find it for AA. Heck, I can find it for Biggest Loser. <BR> <BR> Surely there's been a study done on this. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> (I ask this, because I'm not feeling so Sparky, and I'm thinking for all the talk of a lifestyle change/not a diet, that this is just one more diet, dr... Mon, 14 Jul 2014 11:24:58 EST More Fun With Mommy Dearest Today will not be a good day. <BR> <BR> You know how you wake up some mornings and you just KNOW it will be a bad day? <BR> <BR> That's today. <BR> <BR> I didn't lose any weight this week. <BR> <BR> I have to spend the day with my mother, for her birthday. If you have read any of my other blogs, you know that spending time with my mother is a bit like spending time in a nest of angry rattlesnakes...but less cuddly. She wants to go out to eat. It's an Italian place she wants to try. There... Sun, 13 Jul 2014 12:05:24 EST Lucky Level 13 <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <BR> Today, I hit Level 13 here on Spark People. <BR> <BR> I'm writing this blog to remind myself that in order to see progress, to "level up," all I have to do is show up, drink my water, enter my food, do a tiny bit of exercise. Pushing myself harder and going to extremes does not bring about progress faster. It only leads to a crash and burn. <BR> <BR> In one week I have... <BR> <BR> 1. Lost 2.5 pounds. (Y... Mon, 7 Jul 2014 12:28:59 EST Food For Thought I don't eat McDonalds fries. I don't eat McDonalds anything. However, this picture makes me wonder just how many strawberries I could eat before feeling sick and never wanting to eat another strawberry again. I'm fairly sure I wouldn't make it to 114. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> Mon, 30 Jun 2014 12:11:46 EST Water Balloon Water weight is so weird. Losing three pounds in three days is deceiving. I usually carry about five pounds of water weight when I'm stressed. I understand biology and metabolisms...but that water weight thing is always baffling to me. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> Sun, 25 May 2014 13:04:34 EST Pity Party Today's my birthday. It's been terrible. <BR> <BR> For months now, I've been pushed and prodded into doing more work, into promoting myself, into doing things that make me uncomfortable. I thought that maybe the people who have been demanding would at least show me a little appreciation on my birthday. Nope. Most of them forgot. In fact, today seemed like an after-thought to my husband. <BR> <BR> When it comes to everyone else's birthday, I have to be the super-party planner rock star. If ... Thu, 24 Apr 2014 17:59:39 EST Reality Check Twelve pounds. That’s it. Just twelve. That’s all I need to lose to reach my goal. I’ve been staring at that goal for years. <BR> <BR> When I log into Sparkpeople, I see articles about people who lost 50, 100, 250 pounds. I read about their horrifying health issues that prompted them to lose that weight. I recognize that my twelve pounds is pretty pathetic. I feel guilty for being so petty. Twelve pounds is nothing. <BR> <BR> There are people here on SP, who if all they had to lose was twe... Sun, 30 Mar 2014 12:44:09 EST The Sparker Without Spark Yes…I've been gone a while. Sorry. I promise not to wander away again! <BR> <BR> But that's not what this blog is about. <BR> <BR> Every once in a while, I run into a Sparker who seems to be filled with nothing but vitriol. They are angry. They know everything. You know nothing. AND they feel the need to yell at you about it. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I literally had a Sparker yell all in caps at me about something…and I jus... Sat, 25 Jan 2014 23:17:08 EST Straying From The Path I wandered away. I haven't recorded my food for days. I haven't officially exercised in I don't know how long...and I've paid the price for it. My jeans are a little more snug. My head's a little cloudy. My skin isn't glowing. I'm a mess really. <BR> <BR> You should have seen the food I was eating! I have a friend who is a Nutrition professor, and she says, "There are no GOOD foods or BAD foods," but I think she may be lying about that. I definitely ate some bad food. <BR> <BR> <BR> <img ... Fri, 4 Oct 2013 11:13:51 EST Arguments and the Uncomfortable Couch So, last night, my husband and I had an argument. We don't often have arguments. I am always amazed at how often I see other couples arguing. I figure their lives must be pretty miserable, with all that conflict and yelling and crap. <BR> <BR> At any rate, we had one of our rare arguments last night. There was NO way I was going to sleep in the same bed as him. Truly, I was furious. If he had stood closer to me, I would have kicked him in the shins. I was the kind of mad that my mom used to ... Sun, 22 Sep 2013 11:09:24 EST The Tide Turns Well, yesterday went well. <BR> <BR> It went better than expected, in fact. <BR> <BR> I wore my outfit, with my size 4 Banana Republic denim skirt, and my horizontally striped, brightly colored shirt. Nobody ran away, shrieking in terror. In fact, I received compliments on how lovely I looked. My hair seemed to be the subject of much brave I was to cut it all off and how flattering it was to my face. <BR> <BR> My coworkers were all chummy and in high spirits. <BR> <BR> ... Fri, 23 Aug 2013 15:24:18 EST Tomorrow's Battle Well Sparkers, I am trying to be brave. <BR> <BR> I am trying to do new things. I am trying to do things that I used to do every day, but I've forgotten how to do, because somehow I lost my sense of self. <BR> <BR> Tomorrow, at work, we will have a big shindig. We do this twice a year. I have avoided it like the plague for the last seven years. THIS year, I want to force myself to go. It's ridiculous that I don't go. I started hiding to avoid certain people (see my last blog), and I got stu... Wed, 21 Aug 2013 23:01:43 EST Dispatch From My Dark Corner Well, Sparkers... <BR> <BR> ...I'm sitting here, hiding in my dark corner, at work. If you've read some of my other blogs, you might know that I have one former friend who always gives me crap about my weight, and a former best friend who gets a little creepy sometimes. They are both members of the same committee, and they will be attending a meeting in the room right next to my work area, just as soon as they've finished up with lunch. <BR> <BR> I've already run into the one who gives me c... Thu, 15 Aug 2013 15:36:11 EST My Fragile Little Knees Hey there Sparkers! <BR> <BR> I'm here to whine a bit about my current lack of progress. I have no doubt that if I could exercise more, my progress would kick back into gear, BUT I feel like I shouldn't exercise. <BR> <BR> Why? <BR> <BR> My knees have been aching all week. It's the strangest thing. I make sure to wear sensible shoes and I do low impact exercises. So, I'm sure I haven't damaged them in any way. Also, they both hurt and started doing so at exactly the same time. I decided I... Mon, 12 Aug 2013 11:42:53 EST Advice Column I hate it when people ask me for advice...and then ignore the heck out of it. I especially like it when they expect me to be all sorts of understanding about their choices, when I can see the huge train wreck that they have set up for themselves. Then when I tell them I'm not happy about their choice...they get hurt and want me to say sorry. <BR> <BR> I especially like it when it's my husband who does this. <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src="">... Sat, 3 Aug 2013 17:56:35 EST A Pair Of Fresh Eyes Okay...the last couple of days have been weird for me. <BR> <BR> My husband picked a fight with me...and told me I was "too thin for his tastes." <BR> <BR> My coworkers think I've lost "a lot of weight" since the last time they saw me. (That was back at the end of May, for the record.) <BR> <BR> BUT I've gained weight! <BR> <BR> Seriously! I have. I gained and my body absolutely doesn't want to lose any weight. <BR> <BR> So, I said to myself, "Hey, self...why don't you compare a photo ... Thu, 1 Aug 2013 20:18:58 EST Back At Work Today is my first day back at work, after my two month long break. <BR> <BR> My coworkers in my department have treated me with their usual disdain. One even said that she was sad to see me back *insert long pause* because it meant Summer was over. Now, that's one of those moments where you can choose to hear it as an insult, chose to believe that she was joking, or recognize that she's a bitter, petty little jerk, and know that you are better than that...and view her as someone who should ... Thu, 1 Aug 2013 15:01:53 EST Paradigm Shift Okay Sparkers, I am about to tale you a tale. It's one of those tales that we all really least when it's about ourselves. <BR> <BR> <em>211</em> <BR> <BR> So, I'm cleaning like a fiend today. I'm pulling things out of dark forgotten corners of my house, trying to decide if I'm going to keep them or not. That's when I found my striped wool dress. it's one of those sorts of dresses that you can wear with pants, and it looks cool. It has big, awesome red buttons on it. In fact..... Wed, 31 Jul 2013 21:08:55 EST Fetish My husband just pointed out to me that I have a strange fetish. Don't worry, this post is safe for work. No need to clear your browser history. <BR> <BR> He says I have an obsession with headphones and keyboards. No matter how new and shiny my new keyboard is or my new headphones are, I want newer and better ones. He finds himself following me into stores that sell such things, and I float over to them, like a moth to the flame. <BR> <BR> He's right of course. <BR> <BR> Do you know what I... Wed, 31 Jul 2013 16:56:20 EST Big, Stupid Mess Yesterday, I ran into one of the roadblocks that I had been expecting. I just figured it would come a lot later than it did. <BR> <BR> My husband and I got into a big fight (and we almost NEVER fight), because he says that I'm "getting a bit too thin for his tastes." <BR> <BR> My response was, "Seriously?!" <BR> <BR> That's how it all started. It snowballed from there. <BR> <BR> Let's be clear. I am not as thin as when he met me. In fact, I'm about 15 pounds heavier than when he met me. S... Tue, 30 Jul 2013 11:26:23 EST Me & My Plateau The good thing about the new nutrition tracker... <BR> <BR> It tells me that I can eat 2100 calories...IF I burn 500 calories in exercise. <BR> <BR> The bad thing about being able to eat 2100 calories... <BR> <BR> I have to burn 500 calories. <BR> <BR> <BR> My body wants all the extra yummies, but doesn't want to exercise anymore! It wants to sit and stare at the ceiling. But I've been stuck on this plateau for absolute AGES. I really need to push myself and get out of this rut! <BR> <... Sat, 27 Jul 2013 20:48:13 EST Magical Post-It Notes Are The Solution! So, I took the Spark People quiz "How Positive Is Your Body Image?" <BR> <BR> I knew what the outcome would be. Mostly I did it for laughs. <BR> <BR> My official results were: "You need to work on your body image." <BR> <BR> *Gigglesnort* <BR> <BR> REALLY Spark People? Do ya' think?! <BR> <BR> They then gave me some recommendations... <BR> <BR> <BR> Say something nice about yourself. For every negative thought, come back with a compliment. If you need to, write a few on post-its and st... Fri, 26 Jul 2013 12:50:07 EST Today's Trial Today, I have to help my little brother straighten out his application for college and financial aid. That means having to deal with my mother...perhaps for hours. <BR> <BR> Oh, Sparkers! I would really rather not have to deal with her. She's exhausting. <BR> <BR> My goal is to remain calm and in control of the situation. I'm not going to allow her to ruin this for my little brother. <BR> <BR> And now I leave you with this hilarious meme... <BR> <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeop... Thu, 25 Jul 2013 12:13:29 EST More Food, You say? Well, I certainly like the new nutritional tracker. <BR> <BR> I activated it...and BLAMMO! <BR> <BR> It told me I needed to eat a crapton more food. <BR> <BR> I like more food. <BR> <BR> Food is delicious. <BR> <BR> And now I will share this hilarious vintage ad... <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Wed, 24 Jul 2013 18:25:38 EST Undeniable Progress So, I jumped on the scale this morning, after my stupid weigh-in yesterday afternoon (when I weighed 132). This morning, the scale said I weighed 130. I don't know where those two pounds came from, but I can't imagine that it's fat...because I just don't eat that much! <BR> <BR> Feeling defeated, I moped around for a bit. Then I ran my "weight loss report' here on SP. It started the report at September 1, 2012. At that time, I was 145 pounds. Since then, which was what? Nearly eleven months ... Mon, 22 Jul 2013 15:32:53 EST I Should Know Better! All day I've felt "thinner." I get this feeling sometimes, where my body just FEELS different, leaner, lighter. Usually when that happens, I have started losing weight again. <BR> <BR> So, silly me, I decide to hop on the 4:30 in the afternoon. <BR> <BR> <em>198</em> <BR> <BR> I don't know what I expected to see, but of course I weighed 132...which sent me into a self pity routine. <BR> <BR> I have to weigh myself in the morning, before I've eaten, before I've drank ten gl... Sun, 21 Jul 2013 19:54:36 EST Today's Inspiration I don't know who this woman is, but she is amazing! <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> These pictures were posted on a Facebook yoga page. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> If you know who she is, please tell me. <BR> <BR> She is inspiring. I never want to be old and broken. I want to take care of myself, so that even when I have aged, my body can still move. I never want to feel... Sun, 21 Jul 2013 16:47:30 EST The Sacred Unitard I want to wear this... <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I want to wear it and I want it to fit. I don't want to look lumpy and bumpy. I want it to be smooth. I don't want to feel like people are giggling at me while I wear it. I want to do yoga in that thing and look awesome, like this... <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> It's one of my secret goals, which isn't so secret now. <B... Sat, 20 Jul 2013 13:34:53 EST Eating Disorders Aren't Just For Girls As those of you who read my blog well know, my little brother was staying here at my house for a considerable stretch of time. While he is a bit of a mess maker, most of my anxiety came from my mother and the chaos she radiates, not my little bro. <BR> <BR> My brother is 26 years old. So, he's not a baby or anything, though he's considerably younger than I am. <BR> <BR> However when I say "little," that's truer than it used to be. <BR> <BR> He was always healthy. At one point he was traini... Fri, 19 Jul 2013 13:00:10 EST Back On Track Hello all you fabulously sparky Sparkers! <BR> <BR> I've been gone for a while. I was lost in the chaos of my family drama. Finally, they are all out, moved into their new place, and no longer wandering around my home like grouchy, messy gremlins. <BR> <BR> I haven't heard from my mother in nearly a week. The silence is amazing! <BR> <BR> As predicted, the three pounds that I gained was most likely all from stress. Even though I completely stopped tracking and checking in here at SP, I am ... Thu, 18 Jul 2013 13:24:36 EST