LANEYTHEGIRL's SparkPeople Blog LANEYTHEGIRL's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Update on the chaos of my life Hey everyone! The scale is moving in the wrong direction but things are getting better for me mentally and emotionally. <BR> <BR> <em>198</em> <BR> Before, I felt like I was drowning. There were so many things in my life I felt needed my attention but I didn't know where to start. So I decided to start with finding someone to help me. In September, I found a new therapist and she's wonderful. I told her my goal was to basically maintain. That I didn't have any crises at the moment but I ... Thu, 2 Nov 2017 17:15:17 EST My two year journeyversary I happened to read my blogs today and realized this month marks two years that I have come back to this journey. The fact that I didn't know that is an indicator of how well it's NOT going. lol. I thought about not even writing anything but honestly this has to be about ALL of it. Not just victories or when things are going well because in the end how we deal with our failures either stops us or propels us further along on our path. <BR> <BR> I've been struggling mentally, physically and mos... Thu, 13 Jul 2017 14:17:48 EST I'm one of those crazy people The swelling has gone down tremendously in my foot and the bruising is going away as well. It's really frustrating but I know there is nothing I can do but let it heal. <BR> <BR> Last night I went for a walk down the block. It was harder than I expected so I see I'm not ready. Tuesday night I went to my new gym and swam laps for 30 minutes. I wasn't going very fast and I don't really have great technique so I figured it wasn't much of a workout. My whole purpose was just to get my body movin... Thu, 11 Aug 2016 17:23:42 EST I've been setback! <BR> <BR> Uggh. So I just returned to work from a nearly two week vacation yesterday. Eight of those days were spent in Mexico. It was beautiful and fun but not so great for my weight. <BR> <BR> I knew I was probably going to gain weight so I expected that and mentally prepared for it. What I wasn't prepared for is my Fitbit dying and injuring my foot the day we were leaving. I got up to use the restroom and it was dark. On the way out, I fell coming down the steps and smacked my left foot... Thu, 4 Aug 2016 15:49:39 EST My one year journeyversary July 1 marked a year since I started on this journey again. I can't believe that for 52 weeks (now more) I have consistently worked toward improving my health and lost 50lbs. ! I've seen some amazing transformations on here after a year. Mine is not quite so dramatic but it's still there. I decided slow and steady was the best route for me. <BR> <BR> I took these photos July 1. They are next to pictures of me from July 2015. I don't even recognize myself. I've got so much more to go but I'm ... Wed, 13 Jul 2016 16:01:57 EST I've been doing this for half a year Well, it's the beginning of a new calendar year and I thought it was a good time to recap. I realized I've been doing this for six months. Holy s***! This is the longest I've stuck with a fitness program consistently in all my life. I wish I could say why this time has been different or better but I don't have a magic formula. I just know what my goal is and I get up every day knowing exercise will be in my day and that I need to watch what I eat. <BR> <BR> When I started, I was in such desp... Mon, 4 Jan 2016 20:58:35 EST Reversing the Titanic "Life's not like a Smart Car where you can just jack the thing into reverse and veer onto a pedestrian-strewn sidewalk whenever you please. There are a thousand tons of emotional and psychological cargo being hauled across the vast oceans of your unconscious." ~~ Mark Manson <BR> <BR> I love Mark Manson. He's seriously my hero. Everything he writes is profound to me and always hits home or mirrors something I've been thinking about for some time. He has a talent for understanding humans and ... Fri, 18 Dec 2015 18:52:04 EST I can't stop eating! No seriously. I can't. I don't know what the heck is wrong with me for the past few weeks. Usually I get this way around that time of the month but only for two or three days. I figure it's only a few days so I don't worry. <BR> <BR> I've started eating a late-night snack, which is something I've never been prone to do in my life. I've also been craving sweets. Also not usually a thing for me. I'm more of a sucker for fried foods (cheeseburger and french fries...yum) and that's what I have t... Wed, 25 Nov 2015 18:51:21 EST FitBit Challenge in the Bag We had our final weigh in today for the FitBit challenge at work. I'm pretty happy with my results even though the lady said "Oh well, I guess you improved a little." No lady, I'm improved a lot for me. Here's a wrap-up: * I managed to stay in the top 10 of about 70 people during the entire contest. * I lost 11 pounds (What!!!!!??? I weigh even less than I did yesterday for my official weigh-in day at home.) * I lost two inches on my waist. * My BMI dropped by two points I'm really happy I... Fri, 20 Nov 2015 14:12:48 EST Pictures from my walks As I mentioned in my blog earlier today, my new hobby is taking photos when I walk. At least one day a week, I go on what I call at adventure walks. I sort of let myself roam and explore and don't worry so much about time or keeping a consistent pace. Here are some of the photos I've taken. <BR> <BR> Here's a burned out tree at sunset and another creepy looking tree. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <img src="h... Wed, 11 Nov 2015 16:51:47 EST Hitting a wall, FitBit challenge update Hi guys. Sorry I haven't written an update in a while. I had no internet and then I did but my new position at work really saps my energy. I really love it but creatively it takes a lot more out of me than my other position. That in itself has been a challenge because I'm tired and sometimes don't prepare my snacks or plan for dinner. <BR> <BR> Good news first...I've lost 25 pounds!!!! My clothes finally fit better and my face even looks thinner to me. Woot. <BR> <BR> However, I've hit a wa... Wed, 11 Nov 2015 15:38:32 EST This week was chaos but I reached a milestone This week was an example of how unexpected things in life can throw me off track. I can't believe I hurt my foot. I've been so careful this time around to do things gradually and ease into everything. It's taken me three months to work up to walking for an hour. Pretty much I'm an idiot. lol. I laced my shoe way too tight. Those shoes are already kind of too tight anyway. The top of my left foot was completely bruised. It hurt so much Monday night I couldn't even sleep. I stayed off it all d... Sun, 4 Oct 2015 02:42:02 EST FitBit Challenge two weeks in Oh boy this has been interesting. We have completed two full weeks of this FitBit challenge at work and it's getting even more nuts. Some woman today had 42,000 steps. Another guy had 52,000 steps. I can't even...I think I would die. <BR> <BR> I'll get to how I'm doing but I'll leave you in suspense a little longer. <BR> <BR> I found out there are about 70 people company wide doing the challenge. Now what I've noticed in the second week is that many of the people who were in the top ten dur... Mon, 28 Sep 2015 00:47:36 EST Insanity has invaded the workplace Sooooo...people are going nuts with this FitBit competition at work. When I say nuts, I mean more than 20,000 steps a day. That might be normal for a distance runner and someone who is in a job where they are moving and on their feet all day. There is a maintenance guy who gets more than 30,000 steps a day. But that many steps in a day is not realistic for most people. <BR> <BR> I've been thinking about this competition and these people with huge numbers and wonder how long they can sustain ... Wed, 16 Sep 2015 18:34:20 EST FitBit work challenge As part of the discounted FitBit I received from work, there is a 10-week challenge.The woman and man with the highest average daily steps will get some type of prize. I'm really excited about this but am quickly realizing there is no way I can win. lol. <BR> <BR> One guy, whom I believe is in maintenance, gets about 23,000 steps a day. OMG. I can't even. If I have a day with 16,000 steps, I'm totally beat. One of my coworkers got 17,000 steps yesterday without much effort but she's in way g... Mon, 14 Sep 2015 16:32:36 EST Those tricksy little emotions The man who views the world at fifty the same as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life. ~~ Muhammad Ali <BR> <BR> i've had an epiphany, an a-ha moment, a "duh stupid" realization after my mini-breakdown that started last week. the fact that it started last week should have been a big CLUE about what was really going on with me. the fact that i didn't make the connection just proves to me how powerful our emotions are and how we are NOT driving this crazy emotion train. we are ... Wed, 9 Sep 2015 20:08:46 EST My misery does not love company i've been trying to write this blog since my two-month anniversary on Sept. 1 but i've been in a crap mood for days. i don't even know how to write about what i'm feeling. <BR> <BR> i feel completely isolated some days. like i don't fit in with anyone or anything sometimes. i'm also super lonely. i used to have a lot of friends at work but they've departed and that's hard. i still talk to them but i don't have them there for daily support. <BR> <BR> most of my week nights are spent at home ... Tue, 8 Sep 2015 20:02:25 EST Happy, happy, joy, joy I've really been hoping to get a FitBit for the obvious reasons. As a single parent with a kid in college, it's not exactly in my budget. I've been looking online and was figuring out how much I could put aside every paycheck to purchase one. I get to work today and there's an email from human resources. <BR> <BR> They are starting a 10-week fitness challenge and if you sign up...YOU GET A FITBIT FOR $25!!!!! The company is picking up the rest of the cost. You better believe I signed up for ... Thu, 27 Aug 2015 19:20:01 EST Work is killing my vibe ok this is going to be mostly complaining and wah wah wah so if you don't feel like listening to a bunch of baby crying, stop reading now. <BR> <BR> i told you all in an earlier blog i was changing positions at work. on the way to my new position i have to temporarily fill in for someone else who left for another job in upstate new york (brrrrrr). my temporary job is more demanding and less predictable than my job. basically a job mostly only really young and hungry people would be motivated... Mon, 24 Aug 2015 16:55:14 EST One thing I hate about being fat There are a lot of things to not like about being fat but one thing I really loathe is having to spend a fortune on undergarments. It cost a fortune for comfortable panties and bras that fit right. I almost had to take out a small loan tonight to buy some underwear. <BR> <BR> I've tried all the discount places like Target and Walmart and the underwear simply don't work. Either they roll down, don't cover the booty all the way or come up to my armpits. And forget bras...yeah, small fortune. <... Sat, 22 Aug 2015 00:02:21 EST Turning point Do you ever feel like sometimes on this journey it's all for nothing? Like you are doing all this work and watching what you eat but still nothing happens? That's how I was starting to feel early last week. I was tired and frustrated and just sort of feeling like I wasn't making progress. <BR> <BR> And then BOOM! I made all sorts of progress seemingly over night. O.K. I know it wasn't over night but all of a sudden I could actually SEE my progress. It showed on the scale, a couple of my shir... Wed, 19 Aug 2015 01:46:40 EST Boot camp is canceled and other things annoying me today I woke up today just completely exhausted even though I slept 10 hours. I'm grumpy, my back is sore and I'm stressed. Stepped on the scale and up two pounds. WTF!!!! I did my measurements today and I lost almost three inches on my waist and almost three around my chest but no change anywhere else. What is that about? Annoying. Now I have an even weirder shaped body. <BR> <BR> Yesterday was a complete failure. I suffer from insomnia and it's so hard for me to get eight hours of sleep every ni... Tue, 11 Aug 2015 17:48:19 EST Failure is Progress <img src=""> <BR> <BR> “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” Michael Jordan <BR> <BR> So here I am coming back to SparkPeople a year and a half after going missing. At first, I didn’t come back because I was embarrassed to be s... Wed, 22 Jul 2015 17:48:36 EST I feel bummed today I'm really down today and I'm putting it in writing to see if it makes me feel better. Also I'm trying really hard to keep track of how my moods affect my efforts to lose weight. I made a mistake at work. What bothers me is how it affects other people. It happens from time to time but it always bums me out especially because my mistakes are in print for thousands of people to read. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't had another error earlier this week. I'm frustrated with myself. My ... Sat, 18 Jul 2015 12:29:45 EST Trying to make a come back Hello my fellow sparkies. I've been away for so long. The last two years that I've been gone have knocked me on my a**. It's too much to write about here and would probably bore most of you to tears anyway. <BR> <BR> My confidence is definitely shaken and I don't even know who I am right now but I do know I'm ready to take steps to make my life better so here I am. I can't wait to catch up with old friends and make some new ones. Mon, 29 Jun 2015 14:17:13 EST Update on the craziness that was my life Hello my Spark friends. I miss you all. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about at least one of you and wonder how you are are. As I've said before, I don't have internet at home anymore, which has made it a little less convenient to get online. (My gmail has 200 unread emails.) Then things got really crazy in my life and it became impossible. <BR> <BR> First of all, I have no idea how much I weigh. I haven't been on the scale in almost three weeks. My clothes feel the same ... Mon, 16 Sep 2013 18:39:03 EST My ex's brother showed up on my doorstep And it was probably the best thing that could have ever happened. <BR> <BR> But first let me talk about a NSV that happened Saturday. In my last blog, I talked about my struggle to stay motivated and how disappointed I was that I had not made much progress since the year I had started this journey. I have kept moving forward on faith, knowing what I'm doing has to be making a difference even if I couldn't quite pinpoint, see or feel the difference. <BR> <BR> Ironically, Saturday was the one... Mon, 10 Jun 2013 18:52:42 EST Finding my way and NYC pictures I haven't written in a long time my Spark friends. It's not that I haven't been working towards my goal, it's that I was in a state of limbo. I have had so much to say but nothing to say at the same time. Every time a thought would form in my mind, I couldn't get it out or seemed too irrelevant to put down in words. I was struggling internally but I couldn't see what it was. <BR> <BR> Now I figured it out. I was finding my way. I have a lot to write so I hope you can stick it out. <BR> <BR>... Mon, 27 May 2013 14:31:34 EST Roundhouse kicks to the face are fun but forgiveness is even better The good news is, my nasty break-up led me to get healthy. The bad news is, my nasty break-up led me to get healthy. <BR> <BR> Taking on this challenge at a time in my life when I was confused, vulnerable and so lost gave me a focus, an outlet for my rage and something to boost my bruised ego. But it also forced me to unpack some emotional baggage I was hoping was lost on a transcontinental flight two decades ago. While I've literally been sweating it out at the gym, I've also been wading th... Thu, 21 Mar 2013 20:00:49 EST What I've learned so far Hello Sparkies. It's been a while. Work has gotten crazy and I've been busy with, well, life! It's all in a good way though. I meant to write a six-month Spark anniversary blog but ooops I didn't do it so here I am more than two months after my six-month anniversary (we'll call this 8.25 anniversary blog). <BR> <BR> I've lost almost 50 pounds since starting this journey. In my time on Spark I have seen people come and go, people struggle and the thing that makes me the happiest, people just ... Tue, 19 Mar 2013 18:45:38 EST The Rage Monster has left the building. Enter The Pig. Time to act like a pig. No, I won't be eating large quantities of unhealthy food but I will be playing in the mud. I signed up for my first big event and it's going to be a blast. I'm doing The Dirty Dash, which is about three and a half miles of a big mess. We have to climb walls, trudge up slippery, muddy hills, crawl through mud-filled tunnels, climb up rope ladders, swim through mud pits and finally launch down a big slide at the finish. <BR> <BR> <link> Sun, 17 Feb 2013 14:30:21 EST Bootcamp...WINNING, pretty in pink and an apology After much advice from all of you and rethinking the way I'm approaching things, I've decided to try and do things a little differently and it's made all the difference in the world. I've taken my cardio down to four days a week. The fifth day will be optional and something easy like a short walk just to be moving. <BR> <BR> I tried this out last week and amazingly burned more calories and had more exercise minutes. I was less tired and more motivated to do my strength training. The most imp... Tue, 5 Feb 2013 20:45:34 EST Bootcamp...FAIL If you really can't succeed without failing, I see a lot of success in my future. <BR> <BR> So here's what happened. It's Tuesday. That means bootcamp. Yes, the dreaded bootcamp. For those of you who don't know, bootcamp is an hour of torture. That's the best way to describe it. You pretzel your body in ways you never knew you could, you do cardio like a professional athlete and you swing around 10lb. jump ropes and 15lb. kettle bells, well, because you can. Did I mention you do this willing... Tue, 22 Jan 2013 20:37:04 EST Winter blues and a death So my grandma died on Friday. We'll get back to that later. <BR> <BR> I walked outside today at work to get something from my car. Not only was it dark (yes, i had forgotten the sun sets) but there was snow every where. It was there when I got to work but the sun was out and I just ignored it. (Denial. My favorite coping tool.) So I saw the snow and having become more in tune with my emotions and my physical reactions to them since starting my journey, I immediately noticed my shoulders drop... Wed, 16 Jan 2013 21:24:20 EST Someone told me I'm not sexy anymore Yes. It finally happened. Someone criticized my weight loss. I can only laugh because I've read so many blogs and message board posts from other sparkies whose loved ones and significant others have tried to hinder their progress but thus far I've experienced little discouragement. <BR> <BR> Until last night. <BR> <BR> So there we are sitting on my couch, me and two of my male friends, getting ready to go out for a drink. We will call them Thing 1 and Thing 2. Both are married and I've been... Sun, 6 Jan 2013 19:53:43 EST Rage Hello friends. I haven't been around in some time. I have limited internet access and work has been crazy so I don't have as much time to Spark as I would like. I've also been struggling with my emotions through this holiday season and that tends to make me shut down a little. <BR> <BR> I was in bed a few mornings ago feeling pretty down and I couldn't put my finger on the emotion but I knew it was always there with me day in and day out. So i just laid there until it came to me. Yes, there ... Mon, 31 Dec 2012 22:38:41 EST Plunging into the darkness I've been thinking about the dark side a lot lately. No, not the space occupied by Darth Vader. But the darkness inside us all and the horrendous nature of life. Then Sirensongs wrote about battling the darkness in herself and I read this article <BR> <BR> ( <link><BR>inking_is_for_suckers/ </link> ). <BR> <BR> The argument is made that in order to be happy we need to embrace negative emotions and the bad that happens in life. <BR> <BR> I couldn't agree ... Mon, 26 Nov 2012 19:27:19 EST I brought my sexy back! It was late Saturday night and just hours before I had been sitting on the couch ready to fall asleep, watching a movie in my sweatpants. My sister invited me over to watch the fight and I figured why the heck not. On the way home from her house, a good friend of mine asked me to meet him at a bar near my house. We've been good friends since high school and still see each other frequently. We never, ever have a bad time, even if it's just us two. Still wearing sweatpants, hair all crazy, I ru... Mon, 19 Nov 2012 21:28:42 EST Day of the Dead photos Here are pics from the Día de los Muertos celebration I attended Sunday. It's a way to remember those who have died and to pay respect to the cycle of life. It's a light-hearted way to deal with death, which can be painful for those left behind. The tradition is a big celebration in Mexico. People visit cemeteries November 1 and 2 and leave food, flowers and flowers to entice the dead back to earth for a day. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> ... Thu, 8 Nov 2012 03:15:06 EST The benefits of taking a break. (and) Why don't I feel succesful? It's been a while since I've had time to write a blog so instead of writing two blogs, I thought I would do a two-part blog. <BR> <BR> First, many of you may know from my last blog that I had not been able to go to the gym for about two weeks because I had to give up my membership for financial reasons. I was very nervous about that and tried really hard to still exercise. I don't have any videos or equipment at home so I had to rely on good ol' walking. It doesn't burn nearly as many calori... Mon, 5 Nov 2012 22:31:16 EST There is no dress rehearsal, only life Wow. A lot has happened in my life in the past two weeks. These are things that have thrown a monkey wrench in my goal to get fit and lose weight. Before I start, let me say this blog is not to make excuses. It's to shed light on real life-challenges, some that can lead to throwing us off track. <BR> <BR> Financially my life has been a mess since my ex left. There's no other nice way to say it but he screwed me over financially before he left. He skipped out on his half of the bills for two ... Sun, 28 Oct 2012 19:52:15 EST Adventures in Fall A spark friend suggested I start posting photos of my walk. Sometimes I'm so focused when I workout that I don't want to stop and smell the roses, or take pictures in this case. But today I decided to go on a little adventure walk down by the river in my town. It's a 16-mile paved trail that run along the bosque, which means river forest. <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <BR> To the east across an acequia, or ditch, are beautifu... Sun, 21 Oct 2012 18:39:09 EST I saw my ex today and took a leap of faith At first, I didn't want to talk about this at all. I wanted to forget it. Then I thought maybe that's not such a good idea to just try to stuff it away. <BR> <BR> So, yup, I saw my ex today just like I KNEW I would. He was with cheater girl just like I KNEW he would be and it felt just as awful as I KNEW it would. Thankfully it was just in passing and they didn't see me. I had just gotten off work and fortunately was on my way to the gym. The first thing I felt was sick to my stomach. The se... Tue, 9 Oct 2012 05:09:30 EST The hot pink coat is calling my name I like to make little mini-goals to keep myself interested and motivated in losing weight and living a healthier lifestyle. Losing weight is, of course, one great motivator but it's numbers on a scale and at the end of the day not so exciting. I mean it's not like you can wear a name tag or badge every day that reads something like Today I weigh 254 pounds and last week at this time I weighed 257 pounds. You see? BORING! <BR> <BR> Now, a bright, hot pink coat that goes to your knees, that is... Mon, 8 Oct 2012 23:30:48 EST Excuse me. I think you lost something. Why yes. Yes I did. That is my 31 pounds laying on the gym floor. <BR> <BR> YEEEEEEE HAWWWW. I can't believe it. I mean I've worked for it but sometimes it seems like a mirage in the desert. I can't tell you how many times I've been on that elliptical thinking how ridiculous it is to be in one place moving my legs round and round and how could that possibly change my life. But it has. <BR> <BR> As I've said, I started out slow because I didn't want to get overwhelmed and quit. About a month... Wed, 3 Oct 2012 11:55:41 EST Bumps in the road I wish I could squish like a bug Arggh. So I'm trying so hard to stay positive and upbeat and hopeful. I honestly take everything you guys say to heart. After the stressful work week I had last week, I was determined to start fresh. Then yesterday I got a tidbit of information that pushed me to the edge and an exploding toilet that seeped into my carpeted bedroom sent me into full meltdown mode. <BR> <BR> After the toilet episode I decided maybe it was time to rent a new place. They never fix anything properly and we've bee... Tue, 2 Oct 2012 16:52:00 EST When will I get my groove back? First, I want to say, I'm sorry that all my blogs are not always positive. This one won't be a total downer but it's certainly not a celebration. I use writing to help me work through my anxieties as well as document my negative emotions so I can start to see my patterns and maybe find solutions. <BR> <BR> Recently I blogged about realizing that stress was my trigger to eat. When I'm stressed, I eat mindlessly. Well this last week was the most stress I've had in some time. Mostly it was beca... Mon, 1 Oct 2012 00:49:00 EST A 70-year-old lapped me today I usually don't workout on Sundays but after eating a funnel cake and Navajo Taco and drinking beer yesterday at the fair, I knew I needed to get right back out there again. I also wanted to break-in my new shoes. I'm not really a believer in "making things up" because I feel this is real life and I have to learn to deal with things like state fairs, vacations, parties and other celebrations but mentally I needed to exercise today. <BR> <BR> I went to my sister's to watch the games but I too... Mon, 24 Sep 2012 02:38:03 EST Today sucked It really did. I was so stressed at work. <BR> <BR> I'm just absolutely fatigued from the stress and burned out from being short-staffed for almost six months. Every time we get relief something else happens and we are down a person. One coworker lost his dad and mom in the same week. Shortly after he came back, another got called to jury duty. Now another coworker is on a vacation and one was transferred to another department for personal reasons. Through it all I've soldiered through but t... Sat, 22 Sep 2012 01:41:01 EST I had a date last night. Yes me. The angry, bitter girl actually said "Yes" to a date. More later on how that went. <BR> <BR> First, I'll talk about how it all came about. It goes back to something I mentioned in my last blog about pride. Some time a few weeks ago I was frustrated and telling my friend that I thought I was ready to start dating again. That I NEEDED to at least try or I was running the risk of becoming this angry, bitter woman for the rest of my life, hoarding cats until that TV show exposed me to th... Wed, 19 Sep 2012 14:16:38 EST