LANEYTHEGIRL's SparkPeople Blog LANEYTHEGIRL's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Update on the craziness that was my life Hello my Spark friends. I miss you all. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about at least one of you and wonder how you are are. As I've said before, I don't have internet at home anymore, which has made it a little less convenient to get online. (My gmail has 200 unread emails.) Then things got really crazy in my life and it became impossible. <BR> <BR> First of all, I have no idea how much I weigh. I haven't been on the scale in almost three weeks. My clothes feel the same ... Mon, 16 Sep 2013 18:39:03 EST The past came hurling at me in a bright, orange polo shirt last night There I was last night working my little fingers to the bone. I had to attend a meeting for work about the potential sale of some valuable property in the area when I literally bumped into him. <BR> <BR> Many of you who follow my blog will remember that back in February, I started dating a long time friend and then he betrayed me! He invited me to a get together at a mutual friend's house, made-out with me all night and then proceeded to make out with another woman right in front of me. When... Fri, 14 Jun 2013 20:11:35 EST My ex's brother showed up on my doorstep And it was probably the best thing that could have ever happened. <BR> <BR> But first let me talk about a NSV that happened Saturday. In my last blog, I talked about my struggle to stay motivated and how disappointed I was that I had not made much progress since the year I had started this journey. I have kept moving forward on faith, knowing what I'm doing has to be making a difference even if I couldn't quite pinpoint, see or feel the difference. <BR> <BR> Ironically, Saturday was the one... Mon, 10 Jun 2013 18:52:42 EST Finding my way and NYC pictures I haven't written in a long time my Spark friends. It's not that I haven't been working towards my goal, it's that I was in a state of limbo. I have had so much to say but nothing to say at the same time. Every time a thought would form in my mind, I couldn't get it out or seemed too irrelevant to put down in words. I was struggling internally but I couldn't see what it was. <BR> <BR> Now I figured it out. I was finding my way. I have a lot to write so I hope you can stick it out. <BR> <BR>... Mon, 27 May 2013 14:31:34 EST Roundhouse kicks to the face are fun but forgiveness is even better The good news is, my nasty break-up led me to get healthy. The bad news is, my nasty break-up led me to get healthy. <BR> <BR> Taking on this challenge at a time in my life when I was confused, vulnerable and so lost gave me a focus, an outlet for my rage and something to boost my bruised ego. But it also forced me to unpack some emotional baggage I was hoping was lost on a transcontinental flight two decades ago. While I've literally been sweating it out at the gym, I've also been wading th... Thu, 21 Mar 2013 20:00:49 EST What I've learned so far Hello Sparkies. It's been a while. Work has gotten crazy and I've been busy with, well, life! It's all in a good way though. I meant to write a six-month Spark anniversary blog but ooops I didn't do it so here I am more than two months after my six-month anniversary (we'll call this 8.25 anniversary blog). <BR> <BR> I've lost almost 50 pounds since starting this journey. In my time on Spark I have seen people come and go, people struggle and the thing that makes me the happiest, people just ... Tue, 19 Mar 2013 18:45:38 EST The Rage Monster has left the building. Enter The Pig. Time to act like a pig. No, I won't be eating large quantities of unhealthy food but I will be playing in the mud. I signed up for my first big event and it's going to be a blast. I'm doing The Dirty Dash, which is about three and a half miles of a big mess. We have to climb walls, trudge up slippery, muddy hills, crawl through mud-filled tunnels, climb up rope ladders, swim through mud pits and finally launch down a big slide at the finish. <BR> <BR> <link> Sun, 17 Feb 2013 14:30:21 EST Bootcamp...WINNING, pretty in pink and an apology After much advice from all of you and rethinking the way I'm approaching things, I've decided to try and do things a little differently and it's made all the difference in the world. I've taken my cardio down to four days a week. The fifth day will be optional and something easy like a short walk just to be moving. <BR> <BR> I tried this out last week and amazingly burned more calories and had more exercise minutes. I was less tired and more motivated to do my strength training. The most imp... Tue, 5 Feb 2013 20:45:34 EST Bootcamp...FAIL If you really can't succeed without failing, I see a lot of success in my future. <BR> <BR> So here's what happened. It's Tuesday. That means bootcamp. Yes, the dreaded bootcamp. For those of you who don't know, bootcamp is an hour of torture. That's the best way to describe it. You pretzel your body in ways you never knew you could, you do cardio like a professional athlete and you swing around 10lb. jump ropes and 15lb. kettle bells, well, because you can. Did I mention you do this willing... Tue, 22 Jan 2013 20:37:04 EST Winter blues and a death So my grandma died on Friday. We'll get back to that later. <BR> <BR> I walked outside today at work to get something from my car. Not only was it dark (yes, i had forgotten the sun sets) but there was snow every where. It was there when I got to work but the sun was out and I just ignored it. (Denial. My favorite coping tool.) So I saw the snow and having become more in tune with my emotions and my physical reactions to them since starting my journey, I immediately noticed my shoulders drop... Wed, 16 Jan 2013 21:24:20 EST Someone told me I'm not sexy anymore Yes. It finally happened. Someone criticized my weight loss. I can only laugh because I've read so many blogs and message board posts from other sparkies whose loved ones and significant others have tried to hinder their progress but thus far I've experienced little discouragement. <BR> <BR> Until last night. <BR> <BR> So there we are sitting on my couch, me and two of my male friends, getting ready to go out for a drink. We will call them Thing 1 and Thing 2. Both are married and I've been... Sun, 6 Jan 2013 19:53:43 EST Rage Hello friends. I haven't been around in some time. I have limited internet access and work has been crazy so I don't have as much time to Spark as I would like. I've also been struggling with my emotions through this holiday season and that tends to make me shut down a little. <BR> <BR> I was in bed a few mornings ago feeling pretty down and I couldn't put my finger on the emotion but I knew it was always there with me day in and day out. So i just laid there until it came to me. Yes, there ... Mon, 31 Dec 2012 22:38:41 EST Plunging into the darkness I've been thinking about the dark side a lot lately. No, not the space occupied by Darth Vader. But the darkness inside us all and the horrendous nature of life. Then Sirensongs wrote about battling the darkness in herself and I read this article <BR> <BR> ( <link><BR>inking_is_for_suckers/ </link> ). <BR> <BR> The argument is made that in order to be happy we need to embrace negative emotions and the bad that happens in life. <BR> <BR> I couldn't agree ... Mon, 26 Nov 2012 19:27:19 EST I brought my sexy back! It was late Saturday night and just hours before I had been sitting on the couch ready to fall asleep, watching a movie in my sweatpants. My sister invited me over to watch the fight and I figured why the heck not. On the way home from her house, a good friend of mine asked me to meet him at a bar near my house. We've been good friends since high school and still see each other frequently. We never, ever have a bad time, even if it's just us two. Still wearing sweatpants, hair all crazy, I ru... Mon, 19 Nov 2012 21:28:42 EST Day of the Dead photos Here are pics from the Día de los Muertos celebration I attended Sunday. It's a way to remember those who have died and to pay respect to the cycle of life. It's a light-hearted way to deal with death, which can be painful for those left behind. The tradition is a big celebration in Mexico. People visit cemeteries November 1 and 2 and leave food, flowers and flowers to entice the dead back to earth for a day. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> ... Thu, 8 Nov 2012 03:15:06 EST The benefits of taking a break. (and) Why don't I feel succesful? It's been a while since I've had time to write a blog so instead of writing two blogs, I thought I would do a two-part blog. <BR> <BR> First, many of you may know from my last blog that I had not been able to go to the gym for about two weeks because I had to give up my membership for financial reasons. I was very nervous about that and tried really hard to still exercise. I don't have any videos or equipment at home so I had to rely on good ol' walking. It doesn't burn nearly as many calori... Mon, 5 Nov 2012 22:31:16 EST There is no dress rehearsal, only life Wow. A lot has happened in my life in the past two weeks. These are things that have thrown a monkey wrench in my goal to get fit and lose weight. Before I start, let me say this blog is not to make excuses. It's to shed light on real life-challenges, some that can lead to throwing us off track. <BR> <BR> Financially my life has been a mess since my ex left. There's no other nice way to say it but he screwed me over financially before he left. He skipped out on his half of the bills for two ... Sun, 28 Oct 2012 19:52:15 EST Adventures in Fall A spark friend suggested I start posting photos of my walk. Sometimes I'm so focused when I workout that I don't want to stop and smell the roses, or take pictures in this case. But today I decided to go on a little adventure walk down by the river in my town. It's a 16-mile paved trail that run along the bosque, which means river forest. <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <BR> To the east across an acequia, or ditch, are beautifu... Sun, 21 Oct 2012 18:39:09 EST I saw my ex today and took a leap of faith At first, I didn't want to talk about this at all. I wanted to forget it. Then I thought maybe that's not such a good idea to just try to stuff it away. <BR> <BR> So, yup, I saw my ex today just like I KNEW I would. He was with cheater girl just like I KNEW he would be and it felt just as awful as I KNEW it would. Thankfully it was just in passing and they didn't see me. I had just gotten off work and fortunately was on my way to the gym. The first thing I felt was sick to my stomach. The se... Tue, 9 Oct 2012 05:09:30 EST The hot pink coat is calling my name I like to make little mini-goals to keep myself interested and motivated in losing weight and living a healthier lifestyle. Losing weight is, of course, one great motivator but it's numbers on a scale and at the end of the day not so exciting. I mean it's not like you can wear a name tag or badge every day that reads something like Today I weigh 254 pounds and last week at this time I weighed 257 pounds. You see? BORING! <BR> <BR> Now, a bright, hot pink coat that goes to your knees, that is... Mon, 8 Oct 2012 23:30:48 EST Excuse me. I think you lost something. Why yes. Yes I did. That is my 31 pounds laying on the gym floor. <BR> <BR> YEEEEEEE HAWWWW. I can't believe it. I mean I've worked for it but sometimes it seems like a mirage in the desert. I can't tell you how many times I've been on that elliptical thinking how ridiculous it is to be in one place moving my legs round and round and how could that possibly change my life. But it has. <BR> <BR> As I've said, I started out slow because I didn't want to get overwhelmed and quit. About a month... Wed, 3 Oct 2012 11:55:41 EST Bumps in the road I wish I could squish like a bug Arggh. So I'm trying so hard to stay positive and upbeat and hopeful. I honestly take everything you guys say to heart. After the stressful work week I had last week, I was determined to start fresh. Then yesterday I got a tidbit of information that pushed me to the edge and an exploding toilet that seeped into my carpeted bedroom sent me into full meltdown mode. <BR> <BR> After the toilet episode I decided maybe it was time to rent a new place. They never fix anything properly and we've bee... Tue, 2 Oct 2012 16:52:00 EST When will I get my groove back? First, I want to say, I'm sorry that all my blogs are not always positive. This one won't be a total downer but it's certainly not a celebration. I use writing to help me work through my anxieties as well as document my negative emotions so I can start to see my patterns and maybe find solutions. <BR> <BR> Recently I blogged about realizing that stress was my trigger to eat. When I'm stressed, I eat mindlessly. Well this last week was the most stress I've had in some time. Mostly it was beca... Mon, 1 Oct 2012 00:49:00 EST A 70-year-old lapped me today I usually don't workout on Sundays but after eating a funnel cake and Navajo Taco and drinking beer yesterday at the fair, I knew I needed to get right back out there again. I also wanted to break-in my new shoes. I'm not really a believer in "making things up" because I feel this is real life and I have to learn to deal with things like state fairs, vacations, parties and other celebrations but mentally I needed to exercise today. <BR> <BR> I went to my sister's to watch the games but I too... Mon, 24 Sep 2012 02:38:03 EST Today sucked It really did. I was so stressed at work. <BR> <BR> I'm just absolutely fatigued from the stress and burned out from being short-staffed for almost six months. Every time we get relief something else happens and we are down a person. One coworker lost his dad and mom in the same week. Shortly after he came back, another got called to jury duty. Now another coworker is on a vacation and one was transferred to another department for personal reasons. Through it all I've soldiered through but t... Sat, 22 Sep 2012 01:41:01 EST I had a date last night. Yes me. The angry, bitter girl actually said "Yes" to a date. More later on how that went. <BR> <BR> First, I'll talk about how it all came about. It goes back to something I mentioned in my last blog about pride. Some time a few weeks ago I was frustrated and telling my friend that I thought I was ready to start dating again. That I NEEDED to at least try or I was running the risk of becoming this angry, bitter woman for the rest of my life, hoarding cats until that TV show exposed me to th... Wed, 19 Sep 2012 14:16:38 EST Did I keep my negativity in check? This week's mental/emotional goal Last week, I blogged about trying to stay positive and basically talking less trash. It was so, so. I did better than I have in a while but I still found myself complaining or getting upset with people when I should have been just letting it go. <BR> <BR> I'm still struggling emotionally to put my life back together and I feel so sad or angry sometimes. I know, just like losing weight, it's a slow process. However, I have managed to be social and actually feel like my old self while doing i... Mon, 10 Sep 2012 01:26:57 EST I did it, I did it! I finally walked less than a 15-minute mile!!!!! That has been my goal since I started exercising in early June. In 2003, I ran a half-marathon. I learned then that I wasn't really much of a runner and didn't enjoy it so much. It was hard on my body and because I have really flat, wide feet, finding good shoes that offer support was always a challenge. <BR> <BR> So, this time around I'm determined to stick to walking and other cardio exercise that has less impact on my body. I started with w... Mon, 10 Sep 2012 01:02:57 EST Muzzling the Negative Nancy screaming in my head As I've said before, this weight battle for me is more emotional than physical. I've done pretty well at exercising and eating well but my emotional state has not improved much. My recent break-up has left me so angry and bitter at times. I'm still dealing with the ramifications of that relationship, one of them being financially. I don't know how to move past the anger. I noticed lately I have a very short temper and small things really annoy me. I find myself angry a lot over small things. ... Tue, 4 Sep 2012 00:36:53 EST Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug As many of you know from reading my last blog, I was having a pretty rough time of it earlier this week. I was exhausted and didn't realize it. I like to go, go, go. Happy days for me are busy, productive days. However, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed and discouraged because I felt like I wasn't doing a great job managing my life. Let me tell you, for me to feel that way is absolutely a trigger. <BR> <BR> I'm a methodical, organized person who feels best with a routine. I make my bed every ... Sat, 1 Sep 2012 00:53:06 EST I'm at a low point Today, for the first time since I've started my weight-loss efforts three months ago, I didn't care about this journey. I had not wavered once. I've felt like wavering. I've complained about giving up and contemplated not caring but today it just all went out the window. <BR> <BR> I'm writing this blog to keep track of what throws me off and what are my triggers. I want to know what happens that makes me just throw in the towel. <BR> <BR> So let's see what's going with me today. I'm so stre... Wed, 29 Aug 2012 00:48:44 EST Who decides what's beautiful? I want to talk about something that has occurred to me as I have started losing weight. I was talking to a guy I sometimes see when he's town and I told him I was trying to lose weight. He laughed and said "Just please don't lose that booty." <BR> <BR> You see he LOVES my body. Loves it. He's never complained about it. Never asked me to lose a pound. And he's not the first. I'm at the heaviest I've ever been but I've never been thin and yet I've always been surrounded by men who appreciated ... Tue, 28 Aug 2012 02:16:54 EST Less exercise is more according to a new study. I read this on AOL and found it interesting. I personally only do about 35 minutes of cardio a day unless I'm going hiking or something. Some people with good intentions have tried to chastise me for not working out for an hour. I've never done that because I would have absolutely NO motivation if I knew I had to go on the treadmill/gym for that long. BORING. <BR> <BR> I've been losing weight so I knew I was doing the right thing. Here's the link to the story. <BR> <BR> <link>www.everyday... Mon, 27 Aug 2012 18:24:23 EST I finally crossed THAT road I came home tonight from a nice dinner with my family and was being wishy washy about working out. Since I was so tired yesterday, I had already told myself I was going to rest today. However, I wasn't really all that tired today and knew I should get at it. <BR> <BR> My teen-age son said "Mom, don't start getting bad habits." I said "What do you mean?" He said "Being lazy and making excuses." HA! He called me out. He's a soccer player and works his butt off every, single day and very rarely... Wed, 22 Aug 2012 00:23:43 EST Hiking is good for the soul Here are some pictures of our lovely hike this Saturday. I'm so lucky to live in a place that has a beautiful mountain just a mile outside of the city limits. You can hike all the way to the top but it takes all day. <BR> <BR> We went for a little more than an hour. The hike was brutal for me but I'm looking forward to the day it's not. My friend and I agreed to come back every few weeks to see if my fitness has improved. <BR> <BR> Just starting out.... <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.spar... Mon, 20 Aug 2012 23:29:28 EST The scale doesn't weigh the emotional baggage There are two battles I see as I go through this process: physical and the sometimes harder emotional war I wage with myself. <BR> <BR> It's the second one that derails me more than anything and I honestly don't know how to overcome it at times. Losing the weight is very scientific and detached but the motivation to get to that gym and keep trying has to come from somewhere. <BR> <BR> So my question is how do you keep yourself from being sucked into your own emotional quicksand? <BR> <BR> ... Fri, 17 Aug 2012 20:21:06 EST When the scale just won't move... Hello everyone! <BR> <BR> It feels good to be making progress. I started this journey about 10 weeks ago and have only lost about 10 pounds but fitness wise I can finally see some big improvements. It's giving me motivation to continue because I'll tell you what, when that scale is only dropping a 1/2 a pound or 1 pound every week, it seems impossible. I started to feel like this was an impossible task because at this rate it's going to take forever. <BR> <BR> Then last week I sort of hit a... Sat, 11 Aug 2012 23:53:53 EST Finding your own rhythm I have tried to lose weight many times since I was in high school...some times more seriously than others. The last successful run I had was around 2005 when I lost almost 40 pounds and ran a half marathon. <BR> <BR> Then I just quit. <BR> <BR> I asked myself why when I was doing so well. Every time I would think about getting back on track I would cringe at how hard that was. I realized my goals were too lofty too soon. I have to respect who I am. I'm a person who learns slow and who appro... Fri, 10 Aug 2012 01:51:19 EST