LADYIRISH317's SparkPeople Blog LADYIRISH317's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Feeling low I don't tell anyone, but I feel like I have a lump of lead inside. I can't even cry any more. It feels like I'm disappearing. <BR> <BR> Fri, 30 Sep 2016 14:23:29 EST Thoughts and stuff Friday night my dear friend Sacha came to visit (and brought fish & chips for dinner -- yum!). During dinner as we talked, I told her something I've never shared with anyone. I worked in insurance for many years. I worked hard and fought to advance, but found myself permanently blocked into the typing pool. I wanted to be successful in the business world -- as I told her, I wanted to be " one of the people with the briefcase and the power suit." It's always saddened me that I never succeeded.... Sun, 25 Sep 2016 14:13:43 EST This and that I just sent a thank you message to the designer of the shawl I'm knitting. With her help I was able to get past the obstacle and now the shawl is progressing well. It's an exquisite design, and I can't wait to complete and wear it. (I'm probably going to end up owning more socks and shawls than the law allows, but hey...). <BR> <BR> Sometime this month or early next a friend is helping me buy a laptop. That way I'll be able to upload photos, download patterns and recipes, etc.. Of course, I ... Fri, 23 Sep 2016 12:11:51 EST And then there's that I was able to get my yarn, and I got three different ones so that I'll be set for awhile. I restarted a shawl I had a lot of trouble with before. Luckily for me, the designer is a member of Ravelry like I am. I contacted her, and she gave me help. She also said that if I still have trouble, to contact her and "we'll figure it out together." Fantastic, because it's a gorgeous design I'm eager to complete. <BR> <BR> Also on Ravelry, I found a pattern for socks whose cables become little owls w... Thu, 22 Sep 2016 13:48:25 EST Wednesday At least I was able to get some decent sleep last night. <BR> <BR> This morning I finished the blue cotton shawl. I'm pleased with how it turned out. Now I just have to wait until someone has a free moment, because my yarns are in a drawer across the room from me. I'll have him/her bring me about three projects' worth at once. (And yes, it drives me a little nuts that I can't even walk across the room right now.) <BR> <BR> They're short-staffed here, and the morning CNA always tells me how ... Wed, 21 Sep 2016 16:31:59 EST Discouraged I'm a mess today. Last night my roommate had insomnia, so of course I did too. And we're voting opposite sides this election, and she loves to watch videos of her candidate -- loudly. <BR> <BR> But mostly I'm just feeling kind of defeated. There's been no progress getting me physical therapy. I'm beginning to think I'm never getting out of here. I want a home and a kitchen again! I want to feel bread dough in my hands, to fill my crock pot with one of the soup recipes I've dreamed up (litera... Tue, 20 Sep 2016 16:32:26 EST Afternoon I'm having a cup of after-lunch coffee and watching tv while I surf the web. I'm also nearing the finish of the blue shawl I'm knitting. <BR> <BR> Awhile ago I had to put aside the shawl I was doing because of a discrepancy in the stitch count. I even counted the stitches on the chart and it didn't tally. But in reviewing the pattern this morning I found out that the designer is a member of Ravelry (a web community for knitters and crocheters). I'm also a member, so I was able to send her a ... Sun, 18 Sep 2016 15:57:40 EST Thoughts If I ever have my own home again, I'm going to USE my belongings. I have new-looking cookware that's a couple of years old, shelves of pristine cookbooks, beautiful dresses untouched in my closet. I've always treated possessions as museum pieces to be preserved rather than things to enhance my life. No more. <BR> <BR> I don't know why I always feel so tired and/or sleepy all the time. I don't go anywhere or do anything but knit or surf Facebook all day. <BR> <BR> Yesterday the speech therap... Sat, 17 Sep 2016 11:57:54 EST La Triviata I'm convinced that hospital lab people are vampires. Not only do they take your blood, but you never see them after dawn. <BR> <BR> This morning the lab needed blood at 4 AM. Then the CNA woke me just before six to clean me up. Then the kitchen messed up my breakfast request (like just about every other day). Then the staff is very short handed and I was assigned to a CNA trainee who keeps asking me, "how do I do this? I am seriously hiding out today. <BR> <BR> I have to brag. My gorgeous m... Wed, 14 Sep 2016 17:18:24 EST Fluff and nonsense The cough is abating, though not fast enough (of course). This morning the RN brought my medicine, and she was coughing and sniffling. I said, "Shoo! I don't need another cold!". <BR> <BR> I've almost finished my white shawl, and a baby blue one will be next. One of the black ones I'm going to do has the option to bead it as it's knitted. I'm debating whether to bead it or not (though I probably will). <BR> <BR> Yesterday I got a call from one of the low-income apartments I applied to last ... Tue, 13 Sep 2016 18:45:55 EST Afternoon This miserable cough has kept me awake the last couple of nights. They're giving me Robitussin for it but it isn't doing a lot. <BR> <BR> The other day the morning RN told me her husband is buying a pedigreed bulldog puppy from a breeder in Kansas (eve though we're in California). She also told me she's terrified of all dogs, and that bulldogs are prone to skin and lung problems. I hope I'm wrong, but I can't see this ending happily for this poor puppy. I asked her why they didn't rescue a s... Sun, 11 Sep 2016 16:15:42 EST Here we go again I have my second cold and sore throat in less than a month. Phooey... <BR> <BR> I'm tired and grumpy today. It gets noisy in the hall at night so I started having my door shut at night, which I never used to do. Unfortunately, since the building is a square with an open patio in the middle, I can still clearly hear loud noises from elsewhere in the building. One poor man here is prone to screaming nightmares. I feel bad for him since I'm prone to nightmares myself, and I feel guilty when I w... Tue, 6 Sep 2016 14:52:47 EST Some kind of Sunday During the night I heard water trickling but didn't pay much attention because there are all kinds of sounds around here. We woke up this morning to be told that the plumbing is messed up! The kitchen and laundry room flooded, sending water into the hall and flooding out the gym. On top of that, half the bathrooms don't work. I never thought I'd be glad for being temporarily in "briefs," but at least I don't have to worry about when the plumbing is going to be fixed. <BR> <BR> Today my dear ... Sun, 4 Sep 2016 13:06:07 EST Randomness Yesterday I caved and ordered three kits for pairs of socks. I tried to resist, but they were substantially marked down. But now I have projects lined up for several months and besides, right now there's really nothing else I can do for myself. <BR> <BR> (Please forgive some self-indulgence here.) I obviously have a lot of time to think while I've been in here. One thing I've given a lot of thought to is how to prevent having another breakdown like last year. One thing right off is that, as ... Sat, 3 Sep 2016 16:54:51 EST Bad/sad day Two years ago today my best friend and unofficially adopted sister Lynda passed away (my profile picture). Not a day goes by I don't miss her and fervently wish she was still here. <BR> <BR> Today the CNA I posted about before came into my room and said, "Next Friday I'm bringing some yarn. This is for me, if you want to." Grrr... I told him I don't knit for hire any more. Luckily he's not the one I'm assigned to. <BR> <BR> I was kind of sick last night. Headache and upset stomach. I barely... Fri, 2 Sep 2016 13:26:42 EST Okay, well... Recently I started a light blue shawl but this morning I put it aside. At a certain point in the pattern, despite a dozen tries, I kept coming up two stitches short on the left side. Eventually I'll pick it up again and try to figure out if I'm messing it up or if there's an error in the pattern. If it turns out to be a problem in the pattern, I'll repurpose the yarn. Tue, 30 Aug 2016 17:40:41 EST Bad mood I'm in a terrible mood today, although the knee has quit hurting. <BR> <BR> There's a CNA here who is seriously bugging me. Last week he came to my room and said that the next day he planned to bring yarn and needles so I could teach him to knit! Leaving aside the glaring absence of the word "please," isn't he supposed to WORK when he's at work? Then today he asked what I would charge to knit a sweater for his daughter. You guessed it, he groused that my price is too high and spent several m... Sat, 27 Aug 2016 17:06:21 EST Friday thoughts My left knee is giving me grief today. I've had trouble with it for years but since yesterday it's hurt worse than usual I've asked for pain medicine twice. Not a pattern I want to get into, but it was the only way I could sleep. <BR> <BR> I finished my navy blue shawl and now I'm working on a light blue one with a more elaborate lace pattern inspired by fish and Dolphins. As per usual I had to restart several times, used some bad language and wondered if I really know how to knit or not! Bu... Fri, 26 Aug 2016 16:37:20 EST Stuff and (some) nonsense As much as the last year has generally sucked, it occurs to me that I'm probably better off without my old landlord (overbearing and overpriced). And I'm definitely better off without my old employer (no comment). <BR> <BR> I found out that while I'm in here MediCal will pay for a haircut for me every six weeks. So I was able to get my hair cut super short on Monday. My hair had been long, hot and ratty. Now it's cool, tidy and comfortable. <BR> <BR> It's been a year since I've cooked anyth... Wed, 24 Aug 2016 17:12:00 EST Still here I'm still in the rehab center, pretty much stuck in bed. The TV here hasn't gotten Food Network for a week and a half. And I've had a beastly cold for over a week. Mostly I occupy myself with this borrowed iPad and my knitting. I've nearly finished my first shawl. I've found that with some of them, the yarn provided will leave enough over for socks! <BR> <BR> Yesterday I finally told my ex that I can't give him any more money. Since February I've given him almost $6,000. If he refuses to do... Mon, 15 Aug 2016 13:58:40 EST And on and on Yesterday they used a lift to put me into a wheelchair so I was able to leave my room for only the second time in almost three months. Unfortunately, I had "stomach issues" this morning and didn't want to risk any problems in public. <BR> <BR> I re entry bought kits for six shawls and/or scarves (I have to see how big some of them are to make a determination). Yes, it was crazy for me to buy them all at once. But besides the good feelings I get from knitting (which I need all of I can get), ... Wed, 3 Aug 2016 21:24:15 EST So... There seems to be some movement regarding therapy. The social worker met with me to discuss my activity levels before I got sick. He's composing a letter for the doctor to sign asking for one week of therapy (to start). If I can show them solid progress in that week, it's more likely they'll approve more therapy. <BR> , <BR> In the meantime, I did something seriously crazy. A company called Craftsy had a big sale , so I bought kits for one triangular scarf and four large lace shawls, either ... Sat, 16 Jul 2016 16:11:41 EST Saturday So far so good with the new roommate. <BR> <BR> Last night my best friend Sacha brought Indian food for dinner. OMG...tandoori chicken, naan, taste buds are still in Heaven. <BR> <BR> Meantime I'm watching Food Network and waiting as before. Sat, 2 Jul 2016 14:48:26 EST In a holding pattern Still waiting for Medicaid to loosen up and start paying for physical therapy so I can get walking again. <BR> <BR> Meantime, the roommate from (Hades) has returned, but she's in the room next to mine . I'll probably hear her screeching tonight. I'm getting a new roommate this afternoon. Hopefully she'll have a (relatively) sunny disposition. <BR> <BR> And so it goes... Fri, 1 Jul 2016 15:17:42 EST Sigh of relief... In the middle of the night last night my roommate demanded yet again to be taken to the hospital, so the ambulance came for her. I can't fully relax yet because they're saying they don't know if she's coming back or not, although given that she insulted the entire staff and threatened to sue several times I doubt it. However, for the moment I'm just enjoying not being peppered with intrusive personal questions, having insults screamed at me, or having to listen to nonstop, unfiltered bigotry... Sun, 26 Jun 2016 13:56:36 EST Okay, well... My Medicaid is still stalling, but it occurs to me there may be an up-side. The social worker here is looking for housing possibilities for me. The delay may give him more time. <BR> <BR> I've barely slept in a week thanks to my roommate. Last night she screamed insults at me. Today she's acting like nothing happened. She says she's leaving Monday, but I'm not waiting. I've asked for a different room. We'll see what happens. <BR> <BR> So right now I have headphones on, watching Kids BBQ Coo... Sat, 25 Jun 2016 13:43:14 EST Roadblocked My physical therapy is on hold again. Last time it was for a week due to a problem with my Medicaid. Nobody's telling me what's going on despite repeated requests. I don't know how I'm supposed to progress without therapy. Meantime, I have a new roommate. She hates Mexicans, Chinese and Irish (!). She also. Constantly wants to talk on and on, even in the middle of the night whe I've told her I'm trying to sleep. Maybe I'm bad, but I'm praying she decides she hates me and asks for a different ... Sun, 19 Jun 2016 16:12:04 EST Oh, phooey... (Side note: thanks to my social worker Eric for helping me with this IPad!) <BR> <BR> Now the "phooey" part: I just found out that my favorite show, Chopped, recently filmed in Napa, not far from me And just to frost the proverbial cake, my heart-throb, Chef Marc Murphy, was one of the judges. <BR> <BR> No that I could get there, but DRAT anyway!!! Fri, 17 Jun 2016 16:26:44 EST I haven't died I haven't had access to a computer since February. I was hospitalized the first week in April for cellulitis in my right leg. I was there for five weeks, and now I'm in a rehab facility learning to walk again. Before the hospital I stayed at my ex's apartment briefly. But he's a hoarder, and conditions there are too dangerous for me. There's a social worker here I'm working with, and apparently there are a lot of options I didn't know about. I don't know what happens next, but at least I don'... Fri, 17 Jun 2016 13:19:40 EST Quickly... Just a quick update. I move to my friend's place Friday morning. Monday I meet with a legal services office for the disabled in Santa Rosa who may be able to help me get a voucher to help pay my rent (when I have rent to pay). And this morning the owners of the Cloverdale apartment called ME to schedule a face-to-face appeal for Wednesday morning! So things are moving. I just hope they keep moving in the right direction. <BR> Wed, 17 Feb 2016 15:18:07 EST Finally some good news Okay, lots to report. I have to leave the shelter on Friday morning since I've been there for six months. A friend is allowing me to stay with him until I find an apartment. This is a huge relief, because the alternative was giving at least a grand a half to a crime-ridden, fleabag motel. AND I'll have access to a TV and a kitchen again, as well as morning coffee every day! Oh, and I'll be moving my computer to my friend's house, so I'll be able to return to Spark full-time again! <BR> <BR> ... Sun, 14 Feb 2016 17:44:43 EST And on it goes Trying to gather all the necessary documentation for my transitional housing application. Geeze, I wish I'd known at the time that all those "you're on the waiting list" letters would be needed for documentation! And some time this coming week I'm talking to someone in the Fair Housing office about possible discrimination issues. Unless, of course, my number comes up at the courthouse (jury duty roulette). I'm tired. I feel like I'm frozen in molasses and unable to move. <BR> <BR> <BR> The ... Sat, 23 Jan 2016 17:38:52 EST And still more The craziness continues. My old landlord is down to one one-bedroom apartment and wants $1,700 a month for it. Yeah, THAT'S gonna happen. I'm not even going to bother talking to them. <BR> <BR> <BR> Transitional housing is terminating at the end of the year (HUD is taking it over to be veterans-only housing), but I'm going to apply anyway. It'll at least buy me some time. I'm getting more scared by the minute. <BR> <BR> Dusty asked me a few questions. Do I get Section 8? I've applied for i... Sat, 16 Jan 2016 16:14:43 EST Good grief... <BR> As the protagonist on the TV show Fringe once said, "Isn't there a point where it just can't get any weirder?" <BR> <BR> I am so tired and beaten down, I can barely move. Next week I'm going to go crawling to my old complex and beg them to take me back. They're hard up for tenants, so it's a possibility. Nothing else has worked. If that doesn't work, I'm up the proverbial creek. I have only five weeks left at the shelter with nothing else in sight. <BR> <BR> At the end of December I w... Wed, 13 Jan 2016 15:34:01 EST Post-holiday update I hope everyone had a terrific Christmas. <BR> <BR> Mine was -- well, you know. I had so hoped to have a new home by now. Tomorrow I'm driving to Sacramento again to talk to two more apartment buildings. I'm beginning to wonder if ANYBODY is going to rent to me. <BR> <BR> There's one woman in the shelter with me who wants me to be one of her roommates. You read that right. First she asked me to share a one-bedroom apartment with her, one other woman and a German Shepherd! She said I could h... Mon, 28 Dec 2015 15:24:11 EST Not ideal, but... Okay, a couple of possible options. I could be placed in "transitional housing" if nothing shakes loose in a few weeks. Basically, I'd have a room in a shared house. Not ideal, but I'd be out of the shelter, and I'd have my computer, TV and access to a kitchen (Four months since I've cooked anything -- believe it or not, that makes me cry). <BR> <BR> The other option? The Powerball lottery jackpot is $164m, and the Mega Millions jackpot is $66 million. Yes, I bought tickets (hey, somebody's ... Fri, 11 Dec 2015 18:49:47 EST So now I'm untouchable It turns out that I have an eviction on my record, even though I left before the Sheriff could lock me out. So now NOBODY wants to rent to me, even though I tell them I will gladly pay an extra large deposit. I am not exaggerating, there are people in the shelter with prison records who are having an easier time than I am. At the Monday morning meeting, one man said, "I've been homeless for ten years." I just froze solid at that. <BR> <BR> Yesterday I looked at an apartment in Sacramento. It... Wed, 9 Dec 2015 15:35:01 EST Still stuck I'm still at the shelter, still looking for a home. Saturday morning we were hauled out of bed literally at dawn and told that we all had 24 hours to drug test and that if we didn't, we'd be marked as a failed test and suspended (read: sleep in the street for a few days). Boy, nothing I love more than being greeted in the morning with threats and ultimatums. (BTW, I passed. If they'd tested for coffee I would have been in trouble.) <BR> <BR> Apartment hunting is a lot crazier than it used t... Mon, 23 Nov 2015 14:47:58 EST HUGE dilemma Affordable housing here in Sonoma County practically doesn't exist. The cheapest I've been able to find is a $1,100 one-bedroom in a questionable neighborhood in Santa Rosa. However, I've lived in this county for 17 years and know it well. <BR> <BR> If I'm willing to move about an hour away to Sacramento, I'll be able to get a two bedroom for about $900, or a one bedroom for about $750 WITH ALL UTILITES INCLUDED. Sacramento is our state capital, and has many amenities. But my only two face-t... Fri, 6 Nov 2015 14:29:59 EST Slow learner I've learned that I have to limit my ex to just one call per week. He was hospitalized for a leg injury earlier this week (he's home now). Well, when I call to check on him, he tells me how he's relaxing in his recliner, watching TV and enjoying a meal he cooked for himself (he hates to cook). He knows perfectly well he's twisting the shiv just a little harder each time. He also likes to preach to me about how good I supposedly have it! When I reminded him he's never been in this situation, h... Sun, 1 Nov 2015 16:08:04 EST Why not the library? Well, I can't use my own computer because right now it's packed away with my furniture. I have no place to put it in the shelter. And at least here in Sonoma County, the computers at the library are EXTREMELY limited in what you can and can't do on them. I can't get to most housing sites from them, for instance. Everywhere I turn there's another broken brick in the path. Sat, 31 Oct 2015 14:04:44 EST Tired and befuddled. I can't even compose a coherent blog post right now. Besides, I'm on a computer that charges $20 per hour to use, so I can't stay on much longer. Sat, 31 Oct 2015 13:41:05 EST Does it ever end? Still searching for a home. I feel like an ungrateful clod for this, but I HATE living in the shelter. At my age I should be able to choose my mealtimes, NOT have neighbors constantly poking in my business, and I absolutely should not have a bedtime! (Lights Out is at 10PM). I miss my recliner and my TV. I miss my kitchen. I miss baking my own bread. My case manager and my friends tell me I'm closer than I think. I sure hope so. I feel like I'm being punished for something. I want to go home.... Fri, 23 Oct 2015 14:45:32 EST However it may appear... I have NOT died. It's just extremely difficult for me to get computer access here in the shelter. I'm trying hard to find a new home and hope to be back full-time before Christmas. Tue, 6 Oct 2015 22:51:44 EST Lost at sea I lost my apartment on Sunday. Nobody was able to help me get the amount of money they demanded, so I left on Sunday so I wouldn't have an eviction on my record. My friend Sacha got me a motel room for Sunday and Monday, and today the shelter had a bed for me. And best of all, they gave me a hospital bed instead of one of the bunks. I should be able to sleep a lot easier. My friends Sacha and Paolo have my belongings in storage, so at least I didn't lose the most important things. I did lose ... Tue, 18 Aug 2015 23:21:45 EST More developments Tomorrow my social worker is coming over, and she said her office is paying for some groceries for me. On Thursday I'm meeting with a case worker for the organization that may help me with my rent, getting Meals On Wheels and other services. And there's an organization that owns and manages affordable housing complexes here in Sonoma County. They have an adorable senior complex a few miles away that is within an easy walk of stores and restaurants. My lease here ends in September, so there's ... Tue, 4 Aug 2015 17:38:12 EST Plodding along Trying to keep moving when I feel totally inert. Today I got the pots and mixing bowls washed and the dishwasher emptied. Right now I'm trying to get the dirty dishes into the dishwasher. <BR> <BR> The batch of meatballs I intended to make became a huge meatloaf, half of which is in the freezer. In a little bit I'm baking another batch of bread. Baking my own bread has become VERY important to me. I'm out of whole wheat flour, so I'm trying Julia Child's white bread recipe. For a two-loaf ba... Sat, 1 Aug 2015 19:41:45 EST Floating Still floating, waiting for things to develop. Dealing with government offices takes a LOT of patience. <BR> <BR> Of the first two batches of bread I baked, I have half of each to friends. Tomorrow I'm making spaghetti sauce with a mega-batch of meatballs to freeze for later. My knee-jerk first thought was to give each of the same two friends a container of meatballs. Both are working, and I'm waiting on my SNAP application. I probably need to keep the food for myself. But I feel like a chea... Mon, 27 Jul 2015 19:49:34 EST Update I know I've been MIA for a long time, but a lot is going on, and most of it is good. <BR> <BR> On Tuesday one of the women from the rental office came to me and said that her manager said, "we need to talk to her, this isn't like her not to pay." And the RENTAL MANAGER HERSELF gave me the name and phone number of a social services agency that might cover my rent for this month! I go to see them tomorrow afternoon after therapy. <BR> <BR> Meantime, on Thursday I met with a medical social wor... Sun, 19 Jul 2015 17:15:33 EST Hitting the bottom My disability payments this month weren't nearly enough to cover this month's rent and I have no hope of coming up with it, so I'm almost certainly going to be evicted. I'm terrified -- I'm 62 and disabled. Today I washed all the dishes and made a large pot of hard-boiled eggs. Tomorrow I'm baking bread. I have no idea why. I don't know how much of a future I have. Fri, 10 Jul 2015 22:34:29 EST