LADYIRISH317's SparkPeople Blog LADYIRISH317's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Bleary Monday Yesterday was a mess. Fathers' Day is always hard for me. I had a horrible relationship with my father, so it's always emotional. Also, yesterday would have been my 40th wedding anniversary. We've been separated for twenty-four years. It was definitely not supposed to turn out this way. <BR> <BR> Still trying to regroup from being sick. Yuck. Mon, 22 Jun 2015 12:18:27 EST (Almost) back to life It's been an extremely rough several days. I have to be brutally honest -- Thursday night I was so miserable I gave thought to just swallowing all of my meds and get it over with. I thought, "I don't want to live like this." Then I guess the Irish kicked in, because I thought, "No, I f*****g DON'T want to live like this" and put the bottles back. I had eaten extremely little and drunk nothing since Wednesday, trying not to need the bathroom. Of course, that raises the conundrum that I may n... Sat, 20 Jun 2015 16:40:05 EST Scared stiff Since I got home from the facility I'm scared to death. Yesterday I used the bathroom and couldn't get off the toilet. I had to shout for two hours to be helped. I can't sleep, I can't get in or out of the shower and I have to stand over the toilet when I can get there in time. I don't know what is happening to me. Fri, 19 Jun 2015 00:28:52 EST Scared stiff Since I got home from the facility I'm scared to death. Yesterday I used the bathroom and couldn't get off the toilet. I had to shout for two hours to be helped. I can't sleep, I can't get in or out of the shower and I have to stand over the toilet when I can get there in time. I don't know what is happening to me. Fri, 19 Jun 2015 00:28:52 EST Have you missed me? Day ten here. I'm getting the boot next Tuesday morning, so apparently they think I'm sane. Little do they know. <BR> <BR> I'm on three different meds (Zoloft, Gavapentin and Trazadone). They appear to be working very well. My old therapist Arthur totally opposed medication. I thought the world of Arthur but he was dead-bang wrong on this. I should have been on meds years ago. <BR> <BR> One thing I have to say -- the food here is SPECTACULAR. This morning I had the best breakfast I've had i... Thu, 11 Jun 2015 20:19:54 EST Update and other stuff I talked to the facility yesterday, and they say it will be one to two weeks. I thought it was cute that they made a special point of telling me the food is very good! <BR> <BR> Yesterday my friend Paolo bought me a new coffeemaker, so I'm enjoying my first cup of home brewed coffee in over a week. I know it's a small thing, but in my present circumstance the small things matter a LOT. Also, my ex said he'd cover my rent, so I don't have to worry about that for another month. Hopefully by th... Sat, 30 May 2015 15:31:15 EST So you know Letting everybody know that next week I'm going to be going into a residential treatment facility for about a week. Please don't panic when you don't hear from me. I should be back week after next. <BR> Fri, 29 May 2015 17:52:33 EST Even more I may or may not have next month's rent. That aside, I barely have $500 for food, gas, phone, cable and electric. And now my coffee maker has broken and I can't afford a new one, so I can't even enjoy a hot cup of coffee. <BR> <BR> I have had no sleep since yesterday and I'm in a very bad mood. <BR> Sat, 23 May 2015 18:40:23 EST The ongoing story The leader of my therapy group said two things about me yesterday. I talked about how I feel weird making an elaborate crocheted lace project that isn't going to be a gift for anyone else. She said I need to consider this part of my therapy, to learn to enjoy doing for myself. <BR> <BR> She also said I need to find some outside social activities, like a knitting or cooking club. I'm looking for them right now. <BR> <BR> She also blew me away by saying that I'm intelligent, funny, and enjoya... Thu, 21 May 2015 16:06:20 EST Scared I couldn't make myself leave the house today, even for therapy. Filled with fear and anxiety. Fri, 8 May 2015 15:26:14 EST Wobbly No therapy on Thursdays. I'm feeling tired and wobbly today. <BR> <BR> I'm making a rule that I have to eat at least two meals a day, and one of them has to be hot. Right now there's a pot roast in the crock pot with potatoes and carrots. I seriously miss my wine, but I'm going through limeade like it's about to be outlawed. I know I should be thinking more about calories and such, but right now it's an accomplishment just to make a meal. <BR> <BR> My head feels like it's being squeezed. I'... Thu, 7 May 2015 15:59:38 EST Where am I? I feel like I'm turning to stone. A couple of times I've gone a day or two without eating or drinking anything. It's hard to make myself do anything. I'm in therapy and I've started on meds (though they take time to work), but I feel like I'm lost in the dark somewhere. <BR> <BR> Getting hassle still from work, but too bad. I spend every day in a blank fog. They loved to tell me how unsatisfactory I am anyway. <BR> <BR> I miss my wine! The nerve ends are jangling, and I miss the symbolic as... Mon, 4 May 2015 22:01:36 EST The black day and the twenty hour night Tuesday night was a horror story. I was closer to self-destruction than ever before. I kept having the recurring thought, what are you waiting for? So I decided that the next morning I would go to the Kaiser ER in Santa Rosa. However, late that evening while walking to the bathroom I tangled up with my walker and fell. I was able to get to my cell phone, called 911 and asked them to take me to the ER. <BR> <BR> I got to the ER at midnight but it was so busy that I didn't see a doctor until 6... Sat, 18 Apr 2015 00:05:23 EST It continues The psych appointment needs to be rescheduled. In limbo right now. Fri, 10 Apr 2015 14:32:00 EST I don't know The appointment with my MD didn't go well. She pretty clearly thinks I just want to get out of work. I hope I have better luck with the psychiatrist on Friday. Wed, 8 Apr 2015 23:36:09 EST Going to the doctor tomorrow I've had a sore throat and intermittent cough for two months now. I'm having other physical symptoms I won't discuss here that scare me. And mentally and emotionally I'm barely holding it together. I'll admit to having had some self-destructive thoughts. <BR> <BR> Tomorrow I'm going to the doctor to ask about disability. I don't think that, for now at least, I'm in any shape to deal with the stress on my job. Sun, 5 Apr 2015 22:46:42 EST Home sick -- boo I have a bad sore throat today. I'm also coming off of a particularly brutal work week. <BR> <BR> Monday and Tuesday I had huge amounts of payments to post because Tuesday was month-end. Then on Wednesday I had to catch up the huge volumes of correspondence that had arrived. When I tried to get payments posted yesterday the boss told me to drop them and do another task. I know that sooner or later I'm going to be asked why the payments aren't done. <BR> <BR> I'm sick and tired of feeling si... Fri, 3 Apr 2015 13:48:26 EST This morning This morning I decided to go out to breakfast. Yes, I have plenty of food in the house, but I decided to go out anyway. Funny, but all the way down the walkway to my car I felt this huge pressing sensation, like I was doing something wrong and NEEDED to turn back. But I did go out, to a restaurant near me. <BR> <BR> The food was good, but the service definitely left something to be desired. When I and a few customers all walked in, the hostess turned and left the stand instead of seating us.... Sun, 29 Mar 2015 22:33:26 EST On a treadmill While my boss is on vacation, HER boss has been badgering us every few minutes. Why isn't this done? What's happening with that? Why? How? When? we're all on eggshells. I've been working like crazy trying to get a little ahead and I can't even keep up. <BR> <BR> When I get home, all I can think about is ordering a pizza or driving through the drive-through. I have so much food in this house, I look like a food hoarder. I can barely close the freezer and I can't get all the cans and bottles i... Wed, 25 Mar 2015 22:50:44 EST Friday night What was that old Simon & Garfield song? "Time it was and what a time it was." It's been a demanding week. I'm still trying to dig out from under a mountain of other people's demands while catching up my work from being sick last week. Helping me greatly is the fact that my boss is on vacation until a week from next Monday. <BR> <BR> I finally had all I could stand of my cable provider (Uverse) and tomorrow I'm switching back to Comcast. I know they're more expensive, but the savings weren't... Fri, 20 Mar 2015 23:41:16 EST Whew... I had to move files around today, so I'm sore and tired. My boss (who's luckily in Atlanta this week) thinks I should be as strong and capable as anybody younger who's not on a walker. Well, I did get them done but I hurt right now. <BR> <BR> Meantime I started to crochet a new afghan tonight and -- brace yourself -- there were a couple of typos in the pattern! I guess I should have known when I realized they'd switched the captions under a couple of the illustrations. I had to look REALLY C... Wed, 11 Mar 2015 22:59:52 EST Useless This was a very emotional week for me. In addition to what I already blogged about, Thursday was the 33rd anniversary of my daughter's passing. I can't stop wondering what she'd look like, what career she'd have, if she had a family, and so on. <BR> <BR> Last night I slept extremely poorly and woke up before dawn. I can barely move today. I keep meaning to clean the kitchen (I can barely find the stovetop right now), but I feel like my limbs are made of cement. I didn't even make coffee unti... Sat, 7 Mar 2015 18:32:22 EST Don't know how to feel Tuesday was my birthday. I've worked at my job for thirteen years. My department mates fuss and celebrate for each other's birthdays. Nobody so much as wished me happy birthday. Maybe I'm being childish, but I'm very hurt. They only notice me when they want something. Otherwise I don't exist. <BR> <BR> However, I am very grateful for the birthday wishes from my Spark and Facebook friends. My friends Paolo and Diane took me out for dinner last night, and they gave me a gorgeous earthenware la... Thu, 5 Mar 2015 21:51:03 EST Which day is this? Yesterday the love of my adolescent life passed away. Rest in peace, Leonard Nimoy. I'm sure Heaven is a much more logical place! <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Yesterday was also month-end at work, and it was brutal, Not helped at all by the fact that I'd slept very poorly the previous two nights running. Also, I had a 32-page payment from State Medicaid that needed to be posted by hand instead of run electronically. The situation wa... Sat, 28 Feb 2015 10:49:36 EST Feeling dangerous Yesterday I had a near panic attack at work and almost quit my job. The situation I reacted to turned out to be not nearly as bad as I thought, so luckily I kept my head on (sort of) and I'm still employed. <BR> <BR> I've had a problem with using the walker because I have to lean forward, so most of my dresses (all but the two oldest and rattiest) are too short in back for modesty. I checked the bank account today and discovered I'm in far better shape than I thought, so I went to the shoppi... Tue, 24 Feb 2015 22:34:12 EST Saturday sleepies Long week at work, poor sleep the last few nights. I'm drowsy and unmotivated today. But there's SO much I need to do. Cooking meals seems overwhelming lately. I stay in bed in the morning until I have to run, never mind breakfast. And at night, thoughts of the drive-through or phone-out are almost irresistible. I have SO much food in my kitchen, it looks like I'm hoarding it. I'm making myself cook at home, even if it's just heating a can of chili and making some garlic toast. <BR> <BR> Wel... Sat, 21 Feb 2015 15:36:51 EST Relighting a dead Spark I have had literally no Spark for months. I've even been kicked off of a team I used to lead. I want it back, but I don't know how. Wed, 4 Feb 2015 18:20:11 EST And Sunday One of the handiest tools I bought at the restaurant supply store turned out to be one of the ones I initially paid the least attention to. <BR> <BR> When I was a kid my parents had a small, long spatula (called a burger spatula in the trade) with a serrated side edge. I had hoped to find one of them at the store, but none had the serrated side edge (I don't think anybody makes them any more). I bought one anyway. It's larger and heavier than the one my parents had. I didn't give it much tho... Sun, 25 Jan 2015 15:06:28 EST Saturday Okay, for the record salt-scrubbing does NOT work at cleaning cast iron. I tried to avoid using water at all but ended up having to anyway because I couldn't get all the salt out by dusting. Keep reminding myself -- most decades-old cast iron has been washed from time to time! <BR> <BR> I've bought two new cookbooks -- one Indian and one African. I have some trepidation about both. I have no familiarity at all with African food, although what I've read looks very good. Indian is quite fright... Sat, 24 Jan 2015 22:12:25 EST I sort of haven't been eating Well, of course I've been eating, just not properly. I will go a full workday not eating until dinner, and then it's frequently takeout. I who so love the culinary arts that I'll spend extra time in the produce section just looking at the colors! My kitchen is so stuffed with food, you'd think I'm hoarding the stuff. Aside from exhaustion when I get home from work, I think a lot of this is the depression and immobility I've been fighting for months. <BR> <BR> I'm not going anywhere this week... Sat, 24 Jan 2015 01:35:31 EST Apparently I dodged a cannon ball Due to some revisions and adjustments to state Medicaid payments we got a payment statement of over 1,000 pages, and I was looking at having to hand post all of it. Given that each page is 25 line items, so that would be 25,000 individual posts. This morning my boss took the report away and said she'd figure out how to handle it. This would have been at least a ten-day project -- and month end is less than eight days away. <BR> <BR> I'm still feeling kind of blank. I hope I can break out of ... Thu, 22 Jan 2015 00:30:59 EST Monday holiday Another cold wet day, but at least I don't have to go to work today. <BR> <BR> I did use one of the new pans this morning. I beat eggs in it to make French toast, which I had with some sausages. <BR> <BR> I'm knitting and resting my still-achy legs. I'm trying YET AGAIN to start a lace stole that I have five failed attempts with in the past. I don't yet know if I'll go out today or not. <BR> <BR> Meantime, I have to call my old renters' insurance company tomorrow and raise a little (Hades... Mon, 19 Jan 2015 13:35:14 EST Sunday sleepies I'm not going anywhere today. I'm sleepy and my legs hurt. I'm slowly doing a few tasks but mostly just resting. I'm going to try to go to the computer store and the pharmacy tomorrow. I don't know if they're closed for the holiday or not. <BR> <BR> I thought about the breakfast I had yesterday. It occurs to me that it would also be delicious if I swapped out the hamburger for breakfast sausage or Italian sausage. Going to have to try that. <BR> <BR> I just washed up the new toys and put th... Sun, 18 Jan 2015 17:45:01 EST Cold wet weekend Getting more done than I usually do but less than I'd hoped to. <BR> Yesterday I went to the DMV and FINALLY got my tag fixed. I figured that since it was a workday it wouldn't be crowded. I got there at a quarter after two and didn't get out until a quarter to five! I just picked up some KFC on the way home and crashed. But now I can go out without worrying every time I see a police car. <BR> <BR> This morning I'd planned to go out to breakfast, get my hair cut and then go to the toy store ... Sat, 17 Jan 2015 18:22:18 EST Well, okay... Today a coworker came to my desk. She wanted me to transfer a payment from one invoice to another (a skill my entire department is supposed to have mastered). I can transfer a payment in my sleep. Just one little problem. She didn't know the invoice number the payment needed to be transferred to, or the date of service, patient's medical record number, or ANY identifying information! I'm good, but I'm not that good. She ended up taking it back to her desk. I'm off now until Tuesday (we all ge... Thu, 15 Jan 2015 21:36:40 EST Is it even possible? I've got a four-day weekend this week. Our office gets Monday off, and my boss just approved my personal holiday on Friday. <BR> <BR> Friday I'm going to the DMV and finally fixing my years-out-of-date registration tag. So I'll FINALLY be able to drive without holding my breath every time I see a police car. I know it's going to cost quite a bit of money but at least I have it. <BR> <BR> Then I'm planning at least one outside errand for each day. On Friday after the DMV I'm going to the off... Wed, 14 Jan 2015 21:41:31 EST Finally, a good Sunday Yesterday I had a visit from my nieces Sam and Leslie (my late sister's middle and youngest daughters, respectively) and Sam's boyfriend Jonathan. I thought I was supposed to wait on them, but they wouldn't let me do a thing! The girls even hand-washed the dishes, although I have a dishwasher. Not only was it wonderful to finally meet them, but it was like a chance to touch my sister, whom I never had the blessing to meet in person (we "adopted" each other online). I can't wait until we can g... Mon, 12 Jan 2015 22:23:14 EST Can I breathe now? My ex came into a rather large windfall and gave me some of it. It was enough to accomplish some things I haven't been able to do in a long time (after, of course, I paid the rent). Now I have new shoes coming. Easy Spirits, to be precise. The Skechers I have now have hurt my feet since the day I bought them, killing any incentive to walk more. With two new pairs of comfortable shoes coming, I'll have more drive to move. The website where I usually order my shoes kept denying my debit card (o... Thu, 8 Jan 2015 22:20:52 EST Hollow inside I feel like I'm encased in cement. I can't feel anything emotionally, and it's weighing me down physically. I can't Spark, I can't do much of anything. I feel like I'm vanishing. Sun, 4 Jan 2015 22:17:54 EST Why do I bother? When is enough enough? <BR> <BR> So on top of everything else the neighbor and the friend who both promised to help me with my trash have cancelled on me. So that means I'll be spending Christmas with heaps of festering trash in my apartment because especially with this arm, there's no way I can remove it myself. <BR> <BR> I'm crying right now. I need a break so badly. I'm starting to wonder why I even bother to keep trying. Tue, 23 Dec 2014 20:59:23 EST I wasn't having enough fun Getting ready for work this morning. In the shower I reached down for something and got a huge POP in my upper left arm muscle. The pain was stunning. It took almost ten minutes to get out of the shower because I couldn't raise it much or lean on it. It's easing now but it's still plenty sore. On top of everything else I did NOT need this. Mon, 22 Dec 2014 15:36:50 EST Horrible night I've just passed my worst night in years. I tossed so much, my bed is a torn-up disaster area this morning. <BR> <BR> When I actually could sleep I had dreams that were bizarre when they weren't flat-out nightmares. In one my computer at work started spitting out weird charges that had nothing to do with the hospital (one was for a large order of oysters). I was told to find out where they were coming from and make them stop but I couldn't. <BR> <BR> In another a policeman broke into my apa... Sun, 21 Dec 2014 10:14:28 EST I don't know what's happening My shoulder's giving me a lot of trouble, and I didn't injure it any way I can think of. I don't know if it's from leaning on it to push when I stand up, or what. But it's really irritating. <BR> <BR> I've become almost obsessed with sleep lately. On weekends right after breakfast I go to my easy chair and almost try to force myself back to sleep. I've even caught myself almost dozing at my desk at work. I just feel so exhausted and wrung out. <BR> <BR> Friday we had another storm, and it ... Sat, 20 Dec 2014 23:58:00 EST The Friday after I stayed home with a hammering headache today. The car interior has two days to dry out, then we get a new storm on Monday. <BR> <BR> Meantime, I'm feeling kind of draggy and out of it. Fri, 12 Dec 2014 21:49:50 EST The Friday after I stayed home with a hammering headache today. The car interior has two days to dry out, then we get a new storm on Monday. <BR> <BR> Meantime, I'm feeling kind of draggy and out of it. Fri, 12 Dec 2014 21:49:50 EST How rainy is it? Some old dude was lining up pairs of animals outside my apartment. <BR> <BR> Well, not quite. But we've had flooding and my office closed early today. I drive to and from work every day on Lakeville road, and today it definitely lived up to that name. The end I commute on runs through pastures, all of which flooded and spilled onto the roadway. The Highway Patrol even had my offramp partially blocked for flooding. So going home I decided to skip the country road and take the freeway all the ... Thu, 11 Dec 2014 23:16:24 EST A little good, a little bad On the up-side, my boss has actually gone three days without chewing me out for anything. She continues to pile on the work, but at least she hasn't jumped all over me. It's a pleasant switch. <BR> <BR> The Blue Bombshell developed a bit of a hiccup. One of the windows has decided to quit working. It's stuck open about two inches and we've got a huge rainstorm coming. I could put plastic over it, but all the plastic I have is opaque. In this weather I'd rather get a little wet and have a ful... Thu, 11 Dec 2014 00:13:37 EST Rainy Monday evening Well, I think my Blue Bombshell was a bit taken aback that her ten-month vacation was over! I was sure she was bound for Pick-N-Pull, but thanks to Sacha, her husband and their friend it runs like a dream. You wouldn't think a 21yo car could run like that. I'll admit, as I came up to the arched bridge I drive over every morning I held my breath because the initial problem was that it rapidly lost speed going uphill and didn't recover on the downslope. She not only held the speed, she accelera... Mon, 8 Dec 2014 21:57:18 EST I'm stunned right now Oh, my God. My former carpool buddy Sacha came by tonight. Back in September she and her husband took my nonworking car and said he'd "take a look at it." They also loaned me their second car for the three months they had it. Tonight she gave me back the car along with a card detailing what all they did. They put at least $1,000 of parts and work into it, including new tires and getting it smogged! They said they were paying it forward and that I should do the same. I'm in shock right now. No... Mon, 8 Dec 2014 00:47:28 EST I owe everybody an apology I know I've been completely AWOL lately. There's no excuse, but there are reasons. This is going to be a long, whining vent, so please feel free to ignore it. <BR> <BR> I feel like I'm one step from the edge of the cliff. I know nobody gets everything they want in life, but I really think I've had more than my share of bad, and it keeps going. I can't pay my rent until Friday, and my landlord is saying I'll be in the street on my ear by then. I don't THINK it can be done that fast, but I rea... Sat, 6 Dec 2014 12:50:31 EST