LADYIRISH317's SparkPeople Blog LADYIRISH317's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community On a treadmill While my boss is on vacation, HER boss has been badgering us every few minutes. Why isn't this done? What's happening with that? Why? How? When? we're all on eggshells. I've been working like crazy trying to get a little ahead and I can't even keep up. <BR> <BR> When I get home, all I can think about is ordering a pizza or driving through the drive-through. I have so much food in this house, I look like a food hoarder. I can barely close the freezer and I can't get all the cans and bottles i... Wed, 25 Mar 2015 22:50:44 EST Friday night What was that old Simon & Garfield song? "Time it was and what a time it was." It's been a demanding week. I'm still trying to dig out from under a mountain of other people's demands while catching up my work from being sick last week. Helping me greatly is the fact that my boss is on vacation until a week from next Monday. <BR> <BR> I finally had all I could stand of my cable provider (Uverse) and tomorrow I'm switching back to Comcast. I know they're more expensive, but the savings weren't... Fri, 20 Mar 2015 23:41:16 EST Whew... I had to move files around today, so I'm sore and tired. My boss (who's luckily in Atlanta this week) thinks I should be as strong and capable as anybody younger who's not on a walker. Well, I did get them done but I hurt right now. <BR> <BR> Meantime I started to crochet a new afghan tonight and -- brace yourself -- there were a couple of typos in the pattern! I guess I should have known when I realized they'd switched the captions under a couple of the illustrations. I had to look REALLY C... Wed, 11 Mar 2015 22:59:52 EST Useless This was a very emotional week for me. In addition to what I already blogged about, Thursday was the 33rd anniversary of my daughter's passing. I can't stop wondering what she'd look like, what career she'd have, if she had a family, and so on. <BR> <BR> Last night I slept extremely poorly and woke up before dawn. I can barely move today. I keep meaning to clean the kitchen (I can barely find the stovetop right now), but I feel like my limbs are made of cement. I didn't even make coffee unti... Sat, 7 Mar 2015 18:32:22 EST Don't know how to feel Tuesday was my birthday. I've worked at my job for thirteen years. My department mates fuss and celebrate for each other's birthdays. Nobody so much as wished me happy birthday. Maybe I'm being childish, but I'm very hurt. They only notice me when they want something. Otherwise I don't exist. <BR> <BR> However, I am very grateful for the birthday wishes from my Spark and Facebook friends. My friends Paolo and Diane took me out for dinner last night, and they gave me a gorgeous earthenware la... Thu, 5 Mar 2015 21:51:03 EST Which day is this? Yesterday the love of my adolescent life passed away. Rest in peace, Leonard Nimoy. I'm sure Heaven is a much more logical place! <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Yesterday was also month-end at work, and it was brutal, Not helped at all by the fact that I'd slept very poorly the previous two nights running. Also, I had a 32-page payment from State Medicaid that needed to be posted by hand instead of run electronically. The situation wa... Sat, 28 Feb 2015 10:49:36 EST Feeling dangerous Yesterday I had a near panic attack at work and almost quit my job. The situation I reacted to turned out to be not nearly as bad as I thought, so luckily I kept my head on (sort of) and I'm still employed. <BR> <BR> I've had a problem with using the walker because I have to lean forward, so most of my dresses (all but the two oldest and rattiest) are too short in back for modesty. I checked the bank account today and discovered I'm in far better shape than I thought, so I went to the shoppi... Tue, 24 Feb 2015 22:34:12 EST Saturday sleepies Long week at work, poor sleep the last few nights. I'm drowsy and unmotivated today. But there's SO much I need to do. Cooking meals seems overwhelming lately. I stay in bed in the morning until I have to run, never mind breakfast. And at night, thoughts of the drive-through or phone-out are almost irresistible. I have SO much food in my kitchen, it looks like I'm hoarding it. I'm making myself cook at home, even if it's just heating a can of chili and making some garlic toast. <BR> <BR> Wel... Sat, 21 Feb 2015 15:36:51 EST Relighting a dead Spark I have had literally no Spark for months. I've even been kicked off of a team I used to lead. I want it back, but I don't know how. Wed, 4 Feb 2015 18:20:11 EST And Sunday One of the handiest tools I bought at the restaurant supply store turned out to be one of the ones I initially paid the least attention to. <BR> <BR> When I was a kid my parents had a small, long spatula (called a burger spatula in the trade) with a serrated side edge. I had hoped to find one of them at the store, but none had the serrated side edge (I don't think anybody makes them any more). I bought one anyway. It's larger and heavier than the one my parents had. I didn't give it much tho... Sun, 25 Jan 2015 15:06:28 EST Saturday Okay, for the record salt-scrubbing does NOT work at cleaning cast iron. I tried to avoid using water at all but ended up having to anyway because I couldn't get all the salt out by dusting. Keep reminding myself -- most decades-old cast iron has been washed from time to time! <BR> <BR> I've bought two new cookbooks -- one Indian and one African. I have some trepidation about both. I have no familiarity at all with African food, although what I've read looks very good. Indian is quite fright... Sat, 24 Jan 2015 22:12:25 EST I sort of haven't been eating Well, of course I've been eating, just not properly. I will go a full workday not eating until dinner, and then it's frequently takeout. I who so love the culinary arts that I'll spend extra time in the produce section just looking at the colors! My kitchen is so stuffed with food, you'd think I'm hoarding the stuff. Aside from exhaustion when I get home from work, I think a lot of this is the depression and immobility I've been fighting for months. <BR> <BR> I'm not going anywhere this week... Sat, 24 Jan 2015 01:35:31 EST Apparently I dodged a cannon ball Due to some revisions and adjustments to state Medicaid payments we got a payment statement of over 1,000 pages, and I was looking at having to hand post all of it. Given that each page is 25 line items, so that would be 25,000 individual posts. This morning my boss took the report away and said she'd figure out how to handle it. This would have been at least a ten-day project -- and month end is less than eight days away. <BR> <BR> I'm still feeling kind of blank. I hope I can break out of ... Thu, 22 Jan 2015 00:30:59 EST Monday holiday Another cold wet day, but at least I don't have to go to work today. <BR> <BR> I did use one of the new pans this morning. I beat eggs in it to make French toast, which I had with some sausages. <BR> <BR> I'm knitting and resting my still-achy legs. I'm trying YET AGAIN to start a lace stole that I have five failed attempts with in the past. I don't yet know if I'll go out today or not. <BR> <BR> Meantime, I have to call my old renters' insurance company tomorrow and raise a little (Hades... Mon, 19 Jan 2015 13:35:14 EST Sunday sleepies I'm not going anywhere today. I'm sleepy and my legs hurt. I'm slowly doing a few tasks but mostly just resting. I'm going to try to go to the computer store and the pharmacy tomorrow. I don't know if they're closed for the holiday or not. <BR> <BR> I thought about the breakfast I had yesterday. It occurs to me that it would also be delicious if I swapped out the hamburger for breakfast sausage or Italian sausage. Going to have to try that. <BR> <BR> I just washed up the new toys and put th... Sun, 18 Jan 2015 17:45:01 EST Cold wet weekend Getting more done than I usually do but less than I'd hoped to. <BR> Yesterday I went to the DMV and FINALLY got my tag fixed. I figured that since it was a workday it wouldn't be crowded. I got there at a quarter after two and didn't get out until a quarter to five! I just picked up some KFC on the way home and crashed. But now I can go out without worrying every time I see a police car. <BR> <BR> This morning I'd planned to go out to breakfast, get my hair cut and then go to the toy store ... Sat, 17 Jan 2015 18:22:18 EST Well, okay... Today a coworker came to my desk. She wanted me to transfer a payment from one invoice to another (a skill my entire department is supposed to have mastered). I can transfer a payment in my sleep. Just one little problem. She didn't know the invoice number the payment needed to be transferred to, or the date of service, patient's medical record number, or ANY identifying information! I'm good, but I'm not that good. She ended up taking it back to her desk. I'm off now until Tuesday (we all ge... Thu, 15 Jan 2015 21:36:40 EST Is it even possible? I've got a four-day weekend this week. Our office gets Monday off, and my boss just approved my personal holiday on Friday. <BR> <BR> Friday I'm going to the DMV and finally fixing my years-out-of-date registration tag. So I'll FINALLY be able to drive without holding my breath every time I see a police car. I know it's going to cost quite a bit of money but at least I have it. <BR> <BR> Then I'm planning at least one outside errand for each day. On Friday after the DMV I'm going to the off... Wed, 14 Jan 2015 21:41:31 EST Finally, a good Sunday Yesterday I had a visit from my nieces Sam and Leslie (my late sister's middle and youngest daughters, respectively) and Sam's boyfriend Jonathan. I thought I was supposed to wait on them, but they wouldn't let me do a thing! The girls even hand-washed the dishes, although I have a dishwasher. Not only was it wonderful to finally meet them, but it was like a chance to touch my sister, whom I never had the blessing to meet in person (we "adopted" each other online). I can't wait until we can g... Mon, 12 Jan 2015 22:23:14 EST Can I breathe now? My ex came into a rather large windfall and gave me some of it. It was enough to accomplish some things I haven't been able to do in a long time (after, of course, I paid the rent). Now I have new shoes coming. Easy Spirits, to be precise. The Skechers I have now have hurt my feet since the day I bought them, killing any incentive to walk more. With two new pairs of comfortable shoes coming, I'll have more drive to move. The website where I usually order my shoes kept denying my debit card (o... Thu, 8 Jan 2015 22:20:52 EST Hollow inside I feel like I'm encased in cement. I can't feel anything emotionally, and it's weighing me down physically. I can't Spark, I can't do much of anything. I feel like I'm vanishing. Sun, 4 Jan 2015 22:17:54 EST Why do I bother? When is enough enough? <BR> <BR> So on top of everything else the neighbor and the friend who both promised to help me with my trash have cancelled on me. So that means I'll be spending Christmas with heaps of festering trash in my apartment because especially with this arm, there's no way I can remove it myself. <BR> <BR> I'm crying right now. I need a break so badly. I'm starting to wonder why I even bother to keep trying. Tue, 23 Dec 2014 20:59:23 EST I wasn't having enough fun Getting ready for work this morning. In the shower I reached down for something and got a huge POP in my upper left arm muscle. The pain was stunning. It took almost ten minutes to get out of the shower because I couldn't raise it much or lean on it. It's easing now but it's still plenty sore. On top of everything else I did NOT need this. Mon, 22 Dec 2014 15:36:50 EST Horrible night I've just passed my worst night in years. I tossed so much, my bed is a torn-up disaster area this morning. <BR> <BR> When I actually could sleep I had dreams that were bizarre when they weren't flat-out nightmares. In one my computer at work started spitting out weird charges that had nothing to do with the hospital (one was for a large order of oysters). I was told to find out where they were coming from and make them stop but I couldn't. <BR> <BR> In another a policeman broke into my apa... Sun, 21 Dec 2014 10:14:28 EST I don't know what's happening My shoulder's giving me a lot of trouble, and I didn't injure it any way I can think of. I don't know if it's from leaning on it to push when I stand up, or what. But it's really irritating. <BR> <BR> I've become almost obsessed with sleep lately. On weekends right after breakfast I go to my easy chair and almost try to force myself back to sleep. I've even caught myself almost dozing at my desk at work. I just feel so exhausted and wrung out. <BR> <BR> Friday we had another storm, and it ... Sat, 20 Dec 2014 23:58:00 EST The Friday after I stayed home with a hammering headache today. The car interior has two days to dry out, then we get a new storm on Monday. <BR> <BR> Meantime, I'm feeling kind of draggy and out of it. Fri, 12 Dec 2014 21:49:50 EST The Friday after I stayed home with a hammering headache today. The car interior has two days to dry out, then we get a new storm on Monday. <BR> <BR> Meantime, I'm feeling kind of draggy and out of it. Fri, 12 Dec 2014 21:49:50 EST How rainy is it? Some old dude was lining up pairs of animals outside my apartment. <BR> <BR> Well, not quite. But we've had flooding and my office closed early today. I drive to and from work every day on Lakeville road, and today it definitely lived up to that name. The end I commute on runs through pastures, all of which flooded and spilled onto the roadway. The Highway Patrol even had my offramp partially blocked for flooding. So going home I decided to skip the country road and take the freeway all the ... Thu, 11 Dec 2014 23:16:24 EST A little good, a little bad On the up-side, my boss has actually gone three days without chewing me out for anything. She continues to pile on the work, but at least she hasn't jumped all over me. It's a pleasant switch. <BR> <BR> The Blue Bombshell developed a bit of a hiccup. One of the windows has decided to quit working. It's stuck open about two inches and we've got a huge rainstorm coming. I could put plastic over it, but all the plastic I have is opaque. In this weather I'd rather get a little wet and have a ful... Thu, 11 Dec 2014 00:13:37 EST Rainy Monday evening Well, I think my Blue Bombshell was a bit taken aback that her ten-month vacation was over! I was sure she was bound for Pick-N-Pull, but thanks to Sacha, her husband and their friend it runs like a dream. You wouldn't think a 21yo car could run like that. I'll admit, as I came up to the arched bridge I drive over every morning I held my breath because the initial problem was that it rapidly lost speed going uphill and didn't recover on the downslope. She not only held the speed, she accelera... Mon, 8 Dec 2014 21:57:18 EST I'm stunned right now Oh, my God. My former carpool buddy Sacha came by tonight. Back in September she and her husband took my nonworking car and said he'd "take a look at it." They also loaned me their second car for the three months they had it. Tonight she gave me back the car along with a card detailing what all they did. They put at least $1,000 of parts and work into it, including new tires and getting it smogged! They said they were paying it forward and that I should do the same. I'm in shock right now. No... Mon, 8 Dec 2014 00:47:28 EST I owe everybody an apology I know I've been completely AWOL lately. There's no excuse, but there are reasons. This is going to be a long, whining vent, so please feel free to ignore it. <BR> <BR> I feel like I'm one step from the edge of the cliff. I know nobody gets everything they want in life, but I really think I've had more than my share of bad, and it keeps going. I can't pay my rent until Friday, and my landlord is saying I'll be in the street on my ear by then. I don't THINK it can be done that fast, but I rea... Sat, 6 Dec 2014 12:50:31 EST I'm really not whining, but... The guests I'd invited for Thanksgiving aren't coming so I'll be alone. People tell me to do volunteer work on Thanksgiving, but I've looked and there are no opportunities for people with my mobility issues. I've recorded a marathon of Thanksgiving episodes of my favorite shows (Chopped, Cutthroat Kitchen and Iron Chef America) but I'm still kind of down. I keep reminding myself that when I cooked family Thanksgiving dinners someone (usually my in-laws) complained about whatever I did, but I ... Sun, 23 Nov 2014 22:20:41 EST Chilly Sunday morning Last night was the first time in years I slept in a made-up bed. And the first time EVER that I slept on 300 thread count Egyptian cotton. I may be spoiled -- not sure I could go back to bargain-store sheets after that. I didn't finish making it until almost 11:30 at night, and showered after that! I didn't get to bed until almost 1:30. But then I had a lot of trouble sleeping because of a pain I get in my left leg when I'm laying down. It makes no sense -- there's no weight on it and I only ... Sun, 16 Nov 2014 15:09:46 EST Saturday Workweek is over, thank God, and I'm having coffee and getting ready to make breakfast. <BR> <BR> I've been trying to do decent cooking with a five-year-old set of K-Mart knives, which are now not so great (and two of them have somehow gone missing). Yesterday I broke down and ordered a new set of knives from Kohl's. I'm getting the Bobby Flay (sigh...) signature set, which was on sale for 25% off (Oh, if only I could get Bobby for 25% off at Kohl's! His wife might have a bit of a problem wi... Sat, 15 Nov 2014 13:11:18 EST What am I doing? And why? I've made a couple of decisions that are a bit of a struggle. And one is going to involve an admission I hope won't make you think less of me. <BR> <BR> First, my routine every Sunday is to watch the Snapped marathon on the Oxygen channel. If you're not familiar, it's a true-crime series about women who kill. I even record the new episode every Sunday night. But lately I wonder if, given my depression, it's the best possible choice. Also, the stories have been getting more and more gruesome.... Thu, 13 Nov 2014 22:16:13 EST Tell me this is Friday night What a week, and it's only Wednesday. <BR> <BR> Monday my boss gave me a list of insurance papers to print out. I printed them out and put them in her in-basket. Yesterday she asked me if I'd given them to her. I told her what I'd done with them, and she said she didn't know what had happened to them. I'd like to think it's not my problem -- until she tells me to print them again because she lost them. And then she told me to follow up with an insurer on a payment we didn't get details for b... Thu, 13 Nov 2014 01:29:08 EST Turning to stone I can't move and I can't feel. Not even anger. I think I've just exhausted my emotional capacity. <BR> <BR> I stayed home with a bad stomach today. I didn't eat a bite of solid food until 5pm and only had one cup of coffee. I find myself doing that more and more. I work full days without eating, or only the scraps in the snack area. Geeze, you'd think I'd at least lose a little weight. It's not that I don't have food. There's plenty of food. It just seems so -- pointless. <BR> <BR> Pointle... Wed, 5 Nov 2014 20:56:04 EST Do I still have a brain? I'm so fried right now, I think a zombie who tried to eat my brain would starve to death. <BR> <BR> Not only have we had all the usual month-end nuttiness at work, but ANOTHER member of my department has gone out on leave. Wednesday my boss chewed me out in an email because the coworker who deals with our bank had asked me to tell her when we got a missing payment. Boss said "you're responsible to tell her. She should NOT have to ask you." I wrote right back and told her that the electronic ... Fri, 31 Oct 2014 00:00:18 EST Is it just me, or... I'm so crabby, I can't see straight. And I don't even know if I have a real reason or not. <BR> <BR> I'm on the Social Committee at work. We've been trying to organize a Halloween competition among the departments, with different themed costumes and area decoration. The winning department all gets a half day off. My department is refusing to cooperate. Two will be gone (I understand that). One doesn't celebrate Halloween. My slightly psycho deskmate (I've written about her before) says she'l... Mon, 27 Oct 2014 21:41:00 EST Saturday randomness It's been another long week at work. But my boss was out sick the last two days, so I was able to get a lot more done. My former carpool buddy has loaned me her spare car while her husband works on mine. I can't believe what kind of friends they've turned out to be. <BR> <BR> Today I finally settled on what I'm making for the Halloween baking contest at work, and it'll involve FINALLY christening one of my Good Eats cookbooks. Alton has a chocolate pie recipe that looks spectacular. It's bas... Sat, 18 Oct 2014 21:18:59 EST The Friday befuddle (Warning: This is going to be long and likely boring.) <BR> <BR> Today my manager told me that our lead representative is quitting in two weeks and guess who is inheriting a nice-sized chunk of her workload? With no corresponding raise in pay? But just last Friday she told me the Big Boss thinks I'm underworked. Right. <BR> <BR> Ex is continuing to recover from his recent hospitalization, because he wants to bring Frank back home. Frank is thinking no offense, Dad, but I'm in the lap of Nu... Fri, 10 Oct 2014 23:22:18 EST Is there still a point? I still don't know for sure what's happening with the car. My friend's husband wants to try to fix it. I hope he can, because Friday is Sacha's last day at our job. <BR> <BR> Friday my boss asked me what I was working on. I told her I'd caught up all my daily assignments and offered to help clear some claim errors. She said no, then told me that the Big Boss has "singled you out as the person with too much time on your hands." So She doesn't want me doing a task but I don't have enough to do... Sat, 4 Oct 2014 22:51:59 EST A bit of hope? Ex went home from the hospital today with some very stern instructions from his doctor. Frank can't come home yet because Glenn has to recuperate. Frank is in no hurry, however -- all those nurses! <BR> <BR> Today my carpool buddy and her husband came over. He's trained as a mechanic, and he checked out my ailing car (which I haven't been able to drive since January). He's going to ask a friend of his who's a professional mechanic to look at it, and there's a good possibility it might be abl... Sat, 27 Sep 2014 22:49:29 EST I'm exhausted On top of everything else that's happened lately my ex and son are both in the hospital. Ex is having heart issues, but he says all the tests are looking good. With Frank it's a caretaking issue, but he's totally not complaining. They put him in a hospital he's never been in, which means a whole new crop of nurses he's never chased. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I don't know if it means anything, but the other night I dreamed I met A... Fri, 26 Sep 2014 23:51:25 EST So what's happening? I've lost my sister and I'm losing my best co-worker who's also a dear friend. I've been sick and had the humiliation of having to be rescued by the fire department when I couldn't get off the floor. My boss is never happy with me. The last week of August I posted over half a million dollars manually because of a screw-up in the electronic payment system. I got ONE denial posted wrong -- that gt me FOUR irate emails and chewed out in front of the whole department. And the lid doesn't want to ... Sun, 21 Sep 2014 21:59:40 EST About to explode So full of rage and grief, I can't see straight. I can't deal directly with anyone involved. I've caught myself talking to myself so angrily today, if the neighbors heard me they now know I'm a serious fruitcake. I'm crying and shaking. I'm trying to do my knitting and I can't concentrate. I so badly need someone to talk to, to hold me. Living alone right now stinks big-time. Sat, 20 Sep 2014 20:12:50 EST It just keeps going Today my carpool buddy told me she's leaving to take another job. So I have two and a half weeks to figure out another carpool or get another car with no money. Besides that, she's the one person in the office who really cares about me. She says she's not going to disappear, but I'm scared because besides my son, I have literally lost everyone I ever cared for. <BR> <BR> I can't take much more. Wed, 17 Sep 2014 23:48:55 EST I owe everyone an apology Sorry I've been MIA, but I've been going through a lot lately. Sunday night I became very ill. After throwing up I fell asleep. Sometime during the night I actually fell out of bed. I ended up on the floor for almost seven hours until my carpool buddy came to pick me up and called 911 for me. In addition to the grief I've been going through for my sister, I'm wiped out. Wed, 10 Sep 2014 22:08:49 EST Random ramblings Full disclosure: I've been drinking WAY too much wine since my sister died. The pain has been intense. Like today I'm working on a lace stole that's giving me fits. I had the thought that she'll never see the finished stole. For that matter, she'll never tell me about new grandchildren or anything else. Funny. today I had a mental image of her kicking me and saying "What the H*** are you doing???" (And trust me, she totally would.). I know she loved (loves) me and wouldn't want me to grieve.... Sun, 7 Sep 2014 01:37:38 EST