KKESS11's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=KKESS11 KKESS11's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ Goodbye Scale (aka ED)! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4797926 I finally went and saw my doctor for issues with my constant battle with ED. Even when I said he was gone, I knew in my heart he wasn’t actually gone. Sure maybe I went a month without purging but he was still there; he was there on the days I’d step on the scale and cry over the number or the days I’d look in the mirror and cry over the image looking back at me. He was there on the days I’d get mean to my husband because he went out to lunch and I was stuck spending my lunch at the gym, h... Wed, 21 Mar 2012 11:02:29 EST Today is a new day and hopefully a new me...a happy me! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4720613 What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Today I am making everything new when it comes to diet and exercise. I have suffered now for 6 years with this ugly eating disorder. This demon inside of me has taken more than weight off of me; it has robbed me of so many of life’s precious moments including my first year of marriage. I need to... Fri, 3 Feb 2012 14:45:56 EST Some Progress but nothing like expected. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4509895 I guess I might be the hardest woman to please <em>246</em> . I haven't had much luck on my weightless goal of 20 lbs; which started 4 weeks ago. As of Monday, I am down only 5 lbs, which I was hoping would be 10 lbs… guess I take what I can get. It is hard not seeing the results I want, when I know I can lose the weight, but then it would be reaching my goals the unhealthy way. I am very happy to report that even with all my sorrow and frustration at not losing more lbs; I have NOT purge... Thu, 29 Sep 2011 09:01:31 EST Progress...NOT! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4486056 Not sure what I am feeling right now; frustrated? I am 3 weeks into my weight loss program and just feel lost. My weight came off so easily before and now it just doesn’t want to budge. I have 5 weeks left and still have 15 lbs to lose. Not sure I will be meeting my goal of 20lbs, but would be happy to lose at least 10 more lbs. <BR> <BR> I have been trying to do this the healthy way, but man has it been hard. There have been times when I ate too many calories and the guilt started, b... Thu, 15 Sep 2011 08:59:15 EST The Marriage Weight Gain:( http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4443722 I am not even sure where to start with my emotions. I am starting to think that if I am happy then that means I am going to be heavy. I’ve been married now for 7 months and have been so happy yet I’ve also gained 20lbs. I am not even sure how and why I’ve gained the weight when I still exercise and eat pretty good. The only change is I’ve reduced my workout routines, but I still workout 4-5 times and week and they are all intense workouts. No one should have to kill himself or herself e... Tue, 23 Aug 2011 11:14:09 EST Happy with my progress http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3712287 I am officially 3 weeks into my fall diet plan and am very happy with the progress I am making. My original goal was to go from 140/142 back down to 130/132 range. Well I started to get frustrated after 1 week when I saw the scale going the wrong way by 2lbs, but after another week the increase in my water intake finally started to leave my body and now I am losing weight. I set my goal date as January 1st so I would look AMAZING on my wedding and in my bikini on the honeymoon January 14th... Wed, 13 Oct 2010 09:19:32 EST Frustrated and confused over my weight http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3676340 I just don’t get what is happening to me and my body. I lost a bunch of weight 4 years ago, managed to keep it off, and maintained around the same weight during those 4 years and now I can’t stop the weight from returning. I am so confused and frustrated, but the good in all this is that ED hasn’t returned but I am scared that if I don’t find a way to keep the weight off it will not be long before he returns again. <BR> <BR> Everything was going fine until I had my IUD removed on Match 13,... Tue, 28 Sep 2010 09:42:18 EST Fall Changes http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3657565 Well I figured that with fall around the corner and that bringing changes itself that I myself would make some changes – healthy and hopefully life changing! <BR> <BR> Like everyone I want to lose some spring/summer gained weight (about 10lbs) that seems to have come from now where but will not go back to where it came from! Well since I am already exercising 5 days a week at lunch and watching what I eat to some degree, I figured the first thing to change was to start drinking water. Wat... Tue, 21 Sep 2010 09:20:32 EST I hear him again……………. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3521087 I was so excited for planning my wedding to my knight in shinning armor and now I just wish it was done…WHY, because ED has returned. I hear him so much now that we are experiencing some minor changes in our wedding plans. I can see now that it was never about the food when ED entered my life, but it was about control. It really started yesterday after what many is a minor change in plans, but for me felt like everything was horrible and it was not going to be the wedding I wanted. Ration... Tue, 10 Aug 2010 09:34:07 EST OMG The Wedding Countdown begins.... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3446881 Wow have things changed in the last couple of days in regards to our wedding! I am actually shocked in some ways that I am not more excited, but then again I don’t like making improtant life changing decision; especially ones that need immediate attention and I am also not in shape to get married YET! <BR> <BR> Well last Tuesday while relaxing at the pool with the kids my boyfriend starts telling me he started looking into some exotic honeymoon locations. While I was glad to hear he was ac... Mon, 19 Jul 2010 11:21:20 EST Summer Sabbatical http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3292283 Well I think I have finally found the happiness I have been searching for since my divorce 3 ½ years ago. I am going to my therapist today for what I hope will be the last time unless I feel the need arises again in regards to either my Eating Disorder or my divorce turmoil. I am not sure what or where my happiness has come from, but it found me either because I rid myself of that stupid IUD and any other form of hormonal birth control or because I am now engaged to my amazing boyfriend of ... Wed, 2 Jun 2010 10:31:00 EST The Best Mother's Day Ever - A Proposal! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3219031 The proposal story: We had just put the kids to bed & were enjoying a nice quite campfire after a day of hard work putting in docks, lifts, raking & mowing at the cabin! Brad left to go inside (he said to hit the bathroom) and of course, I was busy Facebook’n away on my phone, so I was not paying attention as usual! He came out with his fishing pole and said; “well I haven't gotten to do any fishing yet this weekend, but I need to make 1 cast at least to see if I can get a keeper". He had th... Tue, 11 May 2010 16:07:10 EST 28-Day Spark Diet http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3163572 Today I WILL start the Spark 28-day Diet! So I pre-ordered the Spark Book and then I received it and yet it sits in my nightstand drawer collecting dust as I pack on the pounds. For those of us struggling with an eating disorder this just seems like another attempt to loss weight, but this time I am going to do it and really try to reach my goal using no destructive behaviors! <BR> <BR> I was blaming my IUD for my ups & downs with the scale, but now I have had it out for about 1 month and... Mon, 26 Apr 2010 16:00:13 EST Cure for a problem or just another destructive behavior? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3060130 So this past weekend, we had a small family get together at a hotel up in Duluth. As with all get togethers there was snacking and drinking by the pool and I may have over indulged WAY TO MUCH! I logged everything I ate and drank and was sadden to see an average of about 2900 calories Friday, Saturday and Sunday – YIKES! Of course I got home and weighed myself and I went from 134 lbs on Thursday afternoon to 140 lbs on Sunday night; is that possible? My boyfriend said it wasn’t possible b... Tue, 30 Mar 2010 09:56:07 EST Did I find the truth to my unhappiness? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3019012 So my New Years Resolution is to find Happiness again, but that doesn’t seem to be happening as I planned for 2010. The other day a close guy friend and I were talking (he knows my battle with ED) and I was telling him how I just want to be happy in life like I was when I was married. He reminded me of when we first met; I was normal weight in his eyes (like 145-150 lbs) and didn't stress about food, weight, numbers or exercise. I keep blaming my unhappiness on my divorce, lack of commitme... Fri, 19 Mar 2010 12:05:15 EST Recovered?? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2917031 I am not sure if I am happy or sad at my progress? The past couple months have been horrible with life changing events, so my diet and exercise program has been left to linger on the edge. I have gained weight, exercised less and gained weight BUT I haven’t really let ED into my life. <BR> <BR> In December my boyfriend’s dad was diagnosed with Cancer and was given a couple weeks to months to live. Well because we didn’t know how long we had left with him, we started visiting him regularly... Tue, 23 Feb 2010 09:58:28 EST Vacation Consequences......... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2799093 So I am back from what was a wonderful family vacation to Los Cabos Mexico. We went for 7 nights and everyday was clear and sunny, so who would complain right? Well unfortunately for me I now have to suffer the consequences of that fun vacation, because when I got home the scale was not too happy with me. <BR> <BR> We stayed at an all-inclusive and even though I tried my best to exercise and eat healthy something went wrong because I gained 4.5 lbs – YIKES. I did manage to wake up befor... Tue, 26 Jan 2010 11:15:53 EST Resolutions http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2691440 Every year I seem to make some sort of resolution for the New Year, but only seldom do I stick with them especially when they have to do with me bettering myself emotionally. January 2005 was the first time I made a serious resolution to get fit and now 5 years later and 55lbs lighter, I am proud to say I not only accomplished that, but I actually stuck with it and made it a lifestyle change. During these 5 years I used exercise as a way to make me feel happier about who I am; like some how... Mon, 4 Jan 2010 11:57:31 EST Am I a horrible person?? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2640973 I am feeling like such a horrible person this week it is not even funny. I love my boyfriend yet I am being so selfish it is starting to scare me and make feel like a horrible catholic. Brad doesn't know what I am going through because I have been not letting on to the horrible thoughts and anger I am feeling right now. He has too much to worry about without having to wonder what and why I am feeling this way. Let me begin my ordeal............ <BR> <BR> Last week we found out that my bo... Thu, 17 Dec 2009 18:01:13 EST Right now I just can't be alone http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2604205 I have managed to not purge since Saturday night. I sometimes just don't get what makes me purge and other days be fine. Last Saturday I exercised for 2 hrs in the morning, then spent the day shopping without eating anything, grabbed some string cheese and left for my 2 hr evening exercise, came home and finally decided to eat. I wasn't even that hungry, but ate a healthy dinner, but then it happened the stupid thanksgiving apple pie was calling my name, so ate it with some ice cream, that... Wed, 2 Dec 2009 10:48:44 EST Step 1: Coming Clean http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2576686 Last night I came clean with my boyfriend that I have relapsed again. He was actually very understanding and handled it better then I thought, I was scared he was going to be hurt that I let him down by being sick still (yes this is a sickness). I always hate telling him because he tells me how hard it is for him to watch me do this to myself and I get frustrated that he doesn’t understand why I am doing this, why I have this quest for thinness/perfectionism. This disease affects so much m... Fri, 20 Nov 2009 11:34:28 EST Lying to myself http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2571326 And here I go again lying to myself, friends and family all because of my obsession with my weight. It is amazing how sneaky one comes when they let ED back into their lives. <BR> <BR> Last weekend I let ED back in and now I am faced with dealing with the consequences. We had a couple gatherings over the weekend that involved what else but munching on crap while drinking! The drinking I can handle since I am not a fan of alcohol, but food now that is a whole other story. After consumin... Wed, 18 Nov 2009 11:01:41 EST Damn Desserts http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2552711 So I am wondering if I totally sabotaged my diet plan this week? I was craving dessert, which is something I don't normally do and decided to make a cake with the kids. Not just a cake, but Better then Sex cake....what was I thinking? (pretty sure I was thinking with my stomach not common sense) <BR> <BR> Today I finally added up the ingredients and figured out the calories per serving - OMG what was I thinking? The cake I made has 15 svgs, each being 493 calories. So far I have eaten 2... Wed, 11 Nov 2009 09:48:27 EST Do I believe the mirror or the numbers from the test? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2531383 So today I had my 8 week fit assessment completed in hopes of seeing a reduction in numbers; mostly weight! <BR> <BR> I thought I would be happy with the numbers I was given today, but instead I am finding myself questioning the accuracy of the test, the trainer, etc....I just can't believe in myself enough to believe I could possibly be that small or muscular. <BR> <BR> The numbers today showed a weight change of 138 down to 133, with clothes, heart rate monitor, watch, mp3, and shoes. O... Tue, 3 Nov 2009 14:43:14 EST Another goal accomplished http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2522730 Well I may not have completed all my goals I have listed on my SparkPage, but I can a least mark off that I ran and finished (with no walking) my first 5K!! <BR> <BR> Today I ran in the Monster Dash at 10:30am in a balmy temperature of 36 degrees around Lake Harriett. I completed it in 28:34 secs and was pretty excited to have finished it with some breathe still left in me! I was hoping for 25 minutes since I was training in the 25+ minute range, but figured I lost some time in the the ... Sat, 31 Oct 2009 16:06:39 EST Losing but Gaining http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2508636 Ok so I am just getting right to the facts here, I am losing weight but my ass is growing - is that possible? The last place I want more weight is in my ass! <BR> <BR> Ok so you’re probably wondering what I the hell is this girl talking about, so let me start at the beginning; for the past year or so my jeans have all been a junior size 3, cool right? Well then this past month or so I finally broke that stubborn plateau and lost like 4 lbs - woohoo! So can someone please explain to me w... Mon, 26 Oct 2009 09:35:30 EST Progress http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2481811 So today I realized I have made progress in two areas of my life; physical endurance and battling my ED. <BR> <BR> First off I went to the club this morning for my regular workout along with some additional training for my 5k. To start I did my 30 min of strength training and was pooped but decided I would still train for the 5K. Well I paced myself pretty good and was able to finish the 5K in 27:10. I would like to see myself run the Halloween Dash in less than 25 minutes, but if not I w... Thu, 15 Oct 2009 16:29:06 EST First 5K http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2472620 I have finally decided I am going to run my first 5K. I run everyday at lunch from 1 mile to 3 miles and occasionally on the weekends will find myself running 4-6 miles, so this isn’t something new. I have never run with others in an event, so in some ways the thought of running a 5K is intimidating. My main fear is I am worried that I will run too fast and not pace myself leading to exhaustion and the need to walk, which I DON’T want to do at all. Some of my friends have told me that you... Mon, 12 Oct 2009 11:51:02 EST Healthy Living http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2453494 I have officially started living life the healthy way. Before joining Spark People I was athletic, I just didn't understand the food side of healthy living! I always told myself I could eat what I wanted because I would just workout harder and/or longer the next day. <BR> <BR> Obviously this way of thinking is what had me stuck at my LONG plateau. Well, I now understand how important healthy eating is when it comes to weight loss and seem to have incorporated into my daily life. Over t... Mon, 5 Oct 2009 10:02:01 EST Thank you Spark People http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2426172 It has been a little over 2 months since I heard about and joined Spark People and can’t believe how much it has changed my life....in a good way! <BR> <BR> Today was my weekly weigh-in day and I am happy to report I got to see that number continue to fall in the right direction - DOWN!! On August 20th, I decided to stop weighing myself on a daily basis because it was emotionally taking a toll on my life and my personal relationship since I would let that stupid number dictate my mood for t... Thu, 24 Sep 2009 14:50:51 EST Making time for Friends http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2410275 So as most Minnesota hunting widowers are aware this weekend is bow opener, so most of us will be apart from our better halves. So after much thought and conversations with other widower’s I decided instead of doing nothing all weekend, I would try something new like a sleepover. That is right with the help of Faecbook's event planner; I planned a girl’s sleepover with all my old high school girl friends. Some of these are friends I haven't seen but a couple of times since high school and ... Fri, 18 Sep 2009 14:03:06 EST Why can't I burn more calories http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2401215 I am starting to get a tad frustrated with my ability to burn calories when working out. I used to be able to burn over 500 cals a day during my workouts and now I seem stuck in the 300's. I am limited on my workout times unless I want to drag my children to the club daycare every night after school & work. <BR> <BR> During my lunch hours I am spending about 40 minutes of constant cardio/strength training time and averaging around 350 cals. Last night I attended my kickboxing class wher... Tue, 15 Sep 2009 10:21:04 EST Plateau finally broke! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2388249 So I think I finally broke my weight plateau that I have been stuck at for some time. In just 1 week I lost almost 3 1/2 lbs. I changed some things up in my program by adding a cardio marathon where you do 3 machines at 10 minutes each with the 1st & 3rd done at a warm-up/sprint speed and the 2nd at a super high intensity (like there is a gun to you head). I also stopped weighing myself daily (weekly now), started taking quick 1 mile walks during work and really started monitoring my snack... Thu, 10 Sep 2009 10:29:42 EST Feeling Positive http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2368873 So I did it I waited a whole week from last week to weigh myself and even after attending the MN State Fair; which I didn't over consumer food at. I weighed myself today and was pleasantly surprised to see I was almost 2 lbs less! I think I will continue this 1x a week weighing as it is way less stressful! Wed, 2 Sep 2009 19:55:57 EST Still staying strong despite... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2360971 I can't believe how long I have been able to avoid the scale despite my failure on meeting my recommended calorie intake. Weekends in the summer are so hard for me because we are at the cabin away from healthy eating and a gym. This last weekend I was even without my blackberry for food tracking. When I got home I tracked all my food (I wrote down everything I ate, just didn't know actual calorie count), knew I had gone over but luckily it wasn't as bad as some weekends when I am tracking,... Mon, 31 Aug 2009 11:15:50 EST Will power stronger then I thought http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2353903 So ever since I had my Fit Point Assessment Wednesday, which included a weigh in that represented a 2 lb increase, I have been beside myself. I kept thinking maybe I should weigh myself again using the scale I normally use and with no clothes on, since this weight was taken on a different scale and with clothes and shoes on? Well I was bond and determined to come up with a way to make that weight gain go away, but instead today as I walked to the shower I didn’t even look at the scale. I d... Fri, 28 Aug 2009 12:42:14 EST My Fit Point Results http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2348654 So today was my Fit Point Assessment Test at LifeTime Fitness. My reaction isn't what I was hoping for, I am bummed. There are many things I should be happy about; especially my Body fat to muscle ratio, yet there is a lot of information I learned that brought me down. <BR> <BR> Well I know you are all dying to know my stats, so here goes: <BR> Weight - 137 lb (up 2 lbs from last week) <BR> BMI - 23.5 normal range (18.5-24.9) <BR> Cardiovascular Max - 36 ml/kg min moderate range (34-37) <B... Wed, 26 Aug 2009 15:25:51 EST My Progress with the scale and exercise http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2342223 Well it has been almost 1 week since I stopped weighing myself daily (which includes not just 1x but multiple times a day). I actually feel pretty good at how I am seeing myself in the mirrors these past few days. I think I am actually seeing myself for who and what I am and not who a number on the scale says I am. Wednesday is my weigh-in day and I am very excited to see if maybe I lost some weight since I am not stressing so much over what the number will be for each day. Only time will... Mon, 24 Aug 2009 14:43:54 EST No Scale http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2331427 So I have resisted the scale again even while looking at it every morning & night in the bathroom. It is kind of funny, becuase I feel thinner today and I don't even know what the number says! Maybe I have been letting the scale determine my actual size. <BR> <BR> This could be an interesting test! Thu, 20 Aug 2009 11:10:25 EST New Exercise Plan - Day 2 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2328115 Well today is day 2 of the new exercise plan....so far I am doing it but my mind is really in a tailspin. Yesterday I skipped my intense lunch workout and actually went out to eat with my boyfriend to Subway where I was able to eat a very filling meal for under 500 cal (turkey sub, baked chips & dt coke). I actually felt ok about that part and then when we got home from work we went and played racquet ball for 1 hr (burned about 350 cal). After that we needed to go grocery shopping, but di... Wed, 19 Aug 2009 09:00:28 EST Pondering a new exercise routine http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2326212 Ok so I think all these comments from people might slowly be sinking into my thick head! I have been at my plateau for way too long…like over a year, granted I wasn’t actually watching what I ate the whole year since I was still having relapses with my ED. In June I have this weird month where I gained almost 10 lbs in 3 weeks, not sure if it was due to my IUD mirena or what, but seriously I even thought I may be pregnant! Since joining SP in mid-July I was able to get the recent weight ga... Tue, 18 Aug 2009 14:54:38 EST Exercise...too much of a good thing? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2314849 I am starting to wonder if I am taking something that is naturally a good thing and turning it into a bad thing. It has been almost 2 years since I went down this path of over exercising and her I sit seeing it happening all over again. <BR> <BR> I have noticed a lot of posts about how do you find the time, how do you make it a priority, etc....I wish I had that problem, but for me it is the opposite I give up everything else to ensure I get at least 1 visit to the club a day. If I didn't ... Fri, 14 Aug 2009 09:32:28 EST The emotional and physical effects of divorce http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2275674 Have you ever had that feeling when you never thought you would get over something? I did and here is my story. <BR> <BR> If you had asked me 2 1/2 years ago how long it was going to take for me to get over my unexpected divorce from my husband of 15 years (HS sweethearts for 8 yrs/married 7 yrs) I would have thought maybe a couple of months since I had no emotions at the time. <BR> <BR> I think I have finally accepted that my old life, my comfortable life has ended and my new life I hav... Fri, 31 Jul 2009 12:56:01 EST Is Mirena right for me? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2264064 Really trying to figure out if having Mirena inserted was the right thing to do for me. I am very concerned after reading so many blogs about weight gain and Mirena. Perhaps Mirena is the main culprit for me not being able to loose weight and also the cause of my recent unexplained weight gain. I have had Mirena for about 9 months and have just noticed a 5 lb weight gain in less then a month. I work out aggressively 6 days a week sometimes 2x a day. I am also eating around 1800 calories ... Mon, 27 Jul 2009 16:15:23 EST