KITTANY's SparkPeople Blog KITTANY's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Time for some _reality_ and _truth_ <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Over the last several years I have started and stopped my "journey" to a better be numerous times. I've fallen down, picked myself up and lost myself so many times I've lost count. I've struggled, punished myself, undeservedly rewarded myself, rewarded myself, lost my faith, found it, lost it again, hurt others, hurt myself, embraced my losses and straight mourned instead of learning to deal with them. I've che... Wed, 22 Jan 2014 11:17:49 EST Wow <img src=""> <BR> <BR> So I'm no longer where I was before in many ways. I struggled, suffered and let myself be broken over the years. I was held back and even though the best was wanted for me, it just wasn't allowed. Good intentions aren't always good. I left Chicago and my husband recently. There were a lot of issues and a lot of heartache, but ultimately I fell out of love with him a long time ago and more recently in love with s... Mon, 29 Jul 2013 21:36:13 EST Back <img src=""> <BR> (Sept 22, 2012 w/ my sister-right) <BR> <BR> Spring is here and for the first time since losing both my parents, I'm back. I feel good about myself, I feel like I can move forward with my life. I may have made bad choices in the recent past, but they've helped me through hard times. <BR> <BR> I met someone who helped me realize that I was on the wrong path, in the wrong mind set and helped me find myself again. Once ag... Wed, 10 Apr 2013 00:34:33 EST Happy Un-Birthday Well. First I want to say thank you all for the birthday wishes. <BR> <BR> Second I have to say I was just laying in bed (which I'm still doing) in a trailer outside my in laws thinking about how I went from leading an incredibly unhealthy lifestyle to changing everything and going balls to the wall crazy with life changes. Then back to my original situation. So much has happened and changed in the last few years I have lost track of who I am and what I should be doing with my life. <BR... Sat, 15 Sep 2012 06:46:02 EST Update: X-Ray <img src=""> <BR> <BR> This is a photo of my hips (With my jeans on, I don't have an internal zipper lol). I have mentioned before I am limited to what I can do based on my previous hip break when I was 10. A growth plate slipped and severed the ball portion of my hip joint almost completely off. A screw/pin was the solution. Well, it's been 17 years since then (almost exactly) and my age and weight is officially a bad combination. ... Wed, 14 Dec 2011 01:50:42 EST Waisting Time <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <BR> That's not a typo. <BR> <BR> I am literally "waisting" my time. The longer I wait to do something, to bigger my waist grows. I have been silently grieving the loss of my parents from which they both died of obesity related diseases (in a way, my dads wasn't caused by obesity, but it helped contribute to getting him into the place he was). I said it should have scared me before and I also said it didn't. ... Mon, 24 Oct 2011 11:07:24 EST Is there no one? (vent) Who can help me? No one around here who can save me from myself? I sure as hell can't. I was going strong and now I am stuck on a broken yo-yo wagon. I am so constantly disappointed with myself and my lack of just being anything that I want myself to be. I have been positive. I have been negative. I have been neutral. Now I here I am. EXISTING. I don't want to just exist god dammit (sorry). I am given a new start EVERY day. And every day I ignore it. And you know what? I go to b... Fri, 29 Jul 2011 03:12:05 EST 3 Weeks <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Argh Down with all the "angled" photographs! That's a picture of me from last week shot from above. Minus the belly and arm bulge I don't look 336lbs. Which makes me feel better about myself.. especially when other people comment on how great or sexy I look etc. I wish photos like that magically melted away all the excess I have around my midsection, thighs, butt and arms.. everywhere. <BR> <BR> I left off i... Thu, 10 Mar 2011 03:05:24 EST 1 year in progress (pic) I actually started with Spark People in October 2009... But I didn't get serious about it until January 2010 when I lost my Mother. She had many obesity related illnesses and it terrified me that I might suffer in the same ways she did. I was devastated by her loss and at the same time scared as hell. She didn't die directly from obesity, but they helped push it along. <BR> <BR> Anyways, I picked up and became determined to lose weight. I even participated in a weight loss contest, if ... Wed, 26 Jan 2011 15:28:46 EST Jump Rope for Heart <img src=""> <BR> <BR> My 6 year old nephew is participating in Jump Rope for Heart again this year. Last year with our reaching out to our internet friends and relatives near and far, we were able to help him raise $400 to help aid in research to help cure heart disease. His personal goal this year $250 and right now he's working on a dedication page for his Mimaw, My mother, who passed away January 2nd 2009. For a 6 year old he is d... Fri, 21 Jan 2011 10:21:07 EST INCENTIVE <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I just bought my first piece of incentive clothing. I have always been uncomfortable wearing a dress, especially a dress shorter than mid calf. My husband on the other hand loves dresses and doesn't care what my legs look like lol. But I want to feel confident and beautiful when I wear it, not nervous and embarrassed. <BR> <BR> I bought this in a 22. I wear a 28 right now and it's a little tight. So I would... Sun, 16 Jan 2011 14:50:23 EST MOVIE NIGHT and day 5 / workout 4 <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Tonight is movie night with my husband and kids. I went out and bought some movie sized goodies for everyone a couple days ago, but I got myself some flavored rice cakes for low calories and 94% fat free popcorn. Wallace and Gromit, Grown ups, and Despicable Me are on the list. Last week we went and saw Yogi the Bear in 3D a the theater. We are ready to rock at home this week. <BR> <BR> Today is Work out #4... Fri, 14 Jan 2011 15:54:27 EST I AM A DONE GIRL <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <BR> I AM A DONE GIRL. <BR> <BR> <BR> 1) I am done with being heavy. <BR> <BR> 2) I am done with being fat. <BR> <BR> 3) I am done with feeling sorry for myself. <BR> <BR> 4) I am done with "taking breaks" or temporarily quitting. <BR> <BR> 5) I am done with the way I feel when I don't fit properly in a booth or chair. <BR> <BR> 6) I am done buying bigger clothes. <BR> <BR> 7) I am done with the yo-yo diet... Thu, 13 Jan 2011 09:53:47 EST New Years Resolutions <img src=""> <BR> <BR> ^^Unrealistic image if you ask me^^ <BR> <BR> <BR> I don't really do these things, because you don't really need it to be the new year to set goals.. however that's not always been the case. I always made them before because I felt I had to. And never once have I stuck to one or even attempted one. <BR> <BR> My New Years Goal/Resolution is to get healthier. I need to commit to myself as much as I do my husban... Mon, 3 Jan 2011 09:46:01 EST Finding MY Motivation <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <BR> I've been trying to find my thing that keeps me going and I can probably list 100 things. Yet I don't always jump at the idea of exercising for the sake that my family needs me around. Or that I should be running with my kids. Some days that thought alone is so depressing that I would rather NOT face it. Sooo.. I've discovered that you can HAVE motivation, but will you use it? <BR> <BR> I spent all last ... Sat, 11 Sep 2010 14:33:45 EST Walking Behind the Wagon <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I haven't really "fallen off the wagon" so much as I got up and kind of walked behind it a little ways. I'm catching myself up. I'm committing myself to a daily dance program for the next month. From now until August 13th. The day before my 26th Birthday. I want to see how much I can lose from just from dancing, drinking water and having normal food portions of normal foods. I can't give up everything just to... Tue, 13 Jul 2010 01:18:19 EST Contest Results <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Like I said before, I knew I wasn't winning as far as competing goes. But I won in my own way. :) I lost 8.7% of my body weight. Pretty good :) I think anyways. <BR> <link> </link> <BR> <BR> I'm proud of myself for coming this far. I tried on dressed the other day and I am down a size! And the pants that used to be too small when I tried them on, were big! I went a siz... Mon, 31 May 2010 15:54:50 EST Fittest Loser Celebration There will be a Fittest Loser celebration on May 26th at 6pm! All are invited! There will be food and drinks and the announcing of the 2010 Fittest Loser winner! :) It's def. not me, but I feel just as good as if I had won! <BR> <BR> Push Fitness Schaumburg says "Join us on May 26th at 6 pm as we announce the winner of this year's contest at John Barleycorn, 1100 American Lane, Schaumburg. Food and beverages will be provided." <BR> <BR> 1100 American Lane, Schaumburg, IL 60173-4923 (John B... Fri, 21 May 2010 20:09:30 EST Making Progress <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Here are 3 pictures of me, with dates. I don't notice physical differences in myself as much as other people do some times. So I have been kind of keeping picture evidence that I am shrinking. I know I will go down in pant sizes and the numbers on the scale, but I don't always feel like I am shrinking. Anyways, 3 pictures. I started in this picture scale at 364 down to 317. I started originally at 380.2 in Ju... Wed, 19 May 2010 20:13:33 EST Goals and Stress - Help? <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Sometimes I just get this feeling like my goals are unobtainable. I know I am doing it slowly, but I feel like I may never get there sometimes. Right now I have small goals set. Like 10lb goal losses.. such as saying bye to the 360's, 350's 340's etc. etc. But Then I see the big number and I just think to myself... How? How am I going to do this? Can I do this? Do I have the will power to continue? I know I... Mon, 29 Mar 2010 19:14:44 EST Mild frustration <img src=""> <BR> So I'm a little frustrated. Which is ok, I just wish it didn't have this effect on me. I haven't done anything wrong, but by not losing weight fast enough it leaves me feeling guilty. GUILTY. <BR> <BR> I know I'm in a contest to lose weight quickly. I work out 2x a day 7 days a week. And when I can't make that 2nd trip, I do as much as I can where I am at. I'm down to 335lbs from a start weight of 347 I think. ... Mon, 29 Mar 2010 00:23:41 EST Daily Food Stuff <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Breakfast: <BR> 2 Whole eggs <BR> 2Tbs Pico De Gallo <BR> 1/2 slice Natural mozzarella cheese <BR> 1 piece of thin sliced turkey shredded <BR> Cooked as an omelette <BR> 1 slice healthy life bread w/flax light toasted <BR> <BR> Snack: <BR> 1/2 cup cottage cheese <BR> 13 natural raw almonds <BR> 2oz grapes or other fruit <BR> <BR> Lunch: <BR> 2 slices Healthy life bread w/flax <BR> 1 Tbs Light mayo <BR> 4oz thin s... Fri, 12 Mar 2010 09:37:11 EST Weight of the World <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I honestly feel like I have the weight of the world sitting on my chest right now. Just little things that happen in life and big things that happen in life that just sort of add up and suffocate you. I feel like I'm choking or drowning. I can't breathe. And it's making me so tired. <BR> <BR> I'm still working out and training and that is great. It has nothing to do with that really. I like doing that. It's... Thu, 4 Mar 2010 13:28:47 EST In the News Paper <img src=""> <BR> <BR> As excited about this as I'm not. :P I will share it with you all. LOL <BR> <BR> Here is the link to the paper: ENJOY! <BR> <BR> <link> </link> <BR> <BR> <BR> Here is the first run of the paper, online anyways. They changed some of the things I said in print probably because I'm actually boring. :P But that's ok. I decided yesterday I need to drink MORE water and work h... Mon, 1 Mar 2010 09:55:02 EST Sneak Peek :D <img src=""> <BR> Contestants! <BR> <img src=""> <BR> Trainers! <BR> <BR> <BR> Lol I don't know if I'm allowed to repost this pictures since they haven't been ran in the paper yet.. but shhhh. I'm sharing them with you all. I'm on the pink team, so that's me in the group of contestants and my trainer Michelle in the other picture with the rest of the trainers. <BR> <BR> I'm on my 2nd w... Tue, 23 Feb 2010 13:49:27 EST Sore muscles a cold and ready to go! <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Wednesday was my first training session. I didn't realize HOW BRUTAL it was until the next day. I woke up yesterday (Thursday) not only with super sore muscles... but with a serious head cold. So it didn't just hurt to lay down and sit up like my head would explode, but the muscles it took to get in those positions were screaming at me. I didn't get to a lot of my calories either because my throat was too sore. So... Fri, 19 Feb 2010 11:49:24 EST Arms: October - February! <img src=""> <BR> <BR> So in October I posted a picture of my arms progress. Now I'm taking those October pictures and comparing them to February's pictures. I am flexing in both sets of pictures. My arms are pretty gross flabby so I tend to cover them up with my 3/4 sleeve hoodies. I can seriously see a difference now. Not a HUGE difference. But some :) Even my face is thinner! So awesome. :D I just wanted to share the pictures wit... Tue, 16 Feb 2010 22:27:36 EST It begins! <img src=""> <BR> <BR> My trainer and I are the Pink team :D How exciting! Our first work out is Wednesday and I also go and see their Doctor that same morning for my health profile/assessment. <BR> <BR> Today we did our interviews.. which I wasn't ready for. It was nervous and I honestly haden't thought about some of it. I knew I didn't want to talk about my Mom or go into real detail about my health situation and possibilities if I do... Mon, 15 Feb 2010 13:53:28 EST Vitamuffins <img src=""> <BR> (Fresh strawberry dipped in chocolate 180 calories VS. a Deep Chocolate Vitamuffin with 1 TBSP Cool Whip FREE and a Maraschino cherry 125 calories) <BR> <BR> If anyone eats these besides me (yummy btw) I have a coupon code good for 5% or $5 off your total order. I bought some for my sister and my sister in law. They're very good! So you might wanna give them a try! <BR> <BR> "5% OFF your next online purchase when you e... Mon, 15 Feb 2010 13:22:50 EST Jump Rope for Heart I just wanted to share some heart warming news with you all. My Nephew Collin, who is 5 years old, is doing Jump Rope for Heart. <BR> <BR> The American Heart Association does Jump Rope for Heart to help Children who have very "special" hearts. They save so many lives with this program. There are a lot of parents out there, especially with our economy today that can't afford the cost of hospital bills. I can't even begin to imagine the terror and heart breaking news of finding out that ... Fri, 5 Feb 2010 11:31:34 EST The Fittest Loser "Congratulations, you have been chosen to participate in the 2010 Fittest Loser Challenge! Starting the week of February 15th, you will begin your 12 week journey with a Push Fitness personal trainer. During this time, you will learn how to achieve your goals by taking control of your exercise and nutrition. We are excited to be the ones to show you the way!" <BR> <BR> I'm in :D I just had a series of test done today and I will go back to my doctor on Wednesday to make sure I am approved. ... Thu, 4 Feb 2010 18:48:32 EST More Details and Thoughts <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I was borderline in a state of panic yesterday before I went in. Anxiety overcame me big time. I still went, I don't know what I was most scared of. Maybe it was my "fats" natural reaction to knowing it was 100% going away now. Maybe it found out... Hmmm. lol <BR> <BR> The interview went well I think. I cried when they asked about how my Mom died. I know there were a ton of contributing factors, but it was ca... Thu, 28 Jan 2010 14:12:06 EST The Butterflies are out to get me! <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I have a serious case of butterflies. My interview to be on the fittest loser is tonight. I'm so scared that I won't get in or that I will get in. Either way, my nerves are going crazy. I feel ill on and off because of it. <BR> <BR> What if I don't get picked? <BR> <BR> What if I do get picked? <BR> <BR> What if I get picked and my Doctor says no? <BR> <BR> I really need to calm down. Someone else should brea... Wed, 27 Jan 2010 10:42:07 EST Exciting Exciting Exciting! I wrote a while back that I applied to be in the next "fittest loser" competition with the local news paper. I got this E-mail today: <BR> <BR> Dear Wendy: <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Congratulations! You have been selected as a semi-finalist in the Push Fitness/Daily Herald Fittest Loser contest. Your essay was among hundreds we received and we have narrowed the field down to 15 possible contestants. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> We think you have the drive and determination to participate in our ri... Thu, 21 Jan 2010 13:26:50 EST Wow 6lbs So I must be doing something right :) Getting myself in gear and finding some amazing help the last 2 weeks has been awesome! I lost 5lbs the first week, then this week I was sort of bummed because I thought I only lost .6lbs. But I was bloated all last week, as grateful as I am to be a woman, that part sucks. So the bloating was gone today and I got on the scale again. I'm down 6 more pounds! 6! I'm so amazed with myself! I reset the scale 3 times just to make sure it was reading rig... Wed, 20 Jan 2010 09:31:07 EST A loss is still a loss I lost .6lbs at my weigh in this morning. I'm kind of annoyed considering I felt like I worked my butt off. But going back I could have done a lot different with my eating. So I'm trying to do better this week. I really seriously wish someone else could just handle the cooking here! I know I would lose weight if I didn't have to be in control of that portion. However, I wouldn't learn either. That's one of the most important things. If you don't learn how to eat right, how do you keep ... Tue, 19 Jan 2010 14:38:15 EST Slave to the scale Why is it so hard to stay off the scale?? I would weigh myself every day, but I stopped so I could see my real progress without feeling like crap. I'm grateful I waited sort of last week. This week has been equally as difficult. I'm supposed to weigh in tomorrow. But I want to today... ARgh. <BR> <BR> I started WW's last June and quit by September. But I started at 380.2. As of last Tuesday I was 359.8. Not bad right? :D I'm just really happy to be under 360, even barely. I lost my ... Mon, 18 Jan 2010 11:49:32 EST The pain! <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <BR> I just wanted to share that my ass hurts. From my ass/hips down the back of my thighs. I feel like I am doing the penguin waddle! Yesterday my shoulders hurt too, today not so much, but my forearms do! 2nd day pain kind of sucks. I felt alright yesterday lol. Anyways :) I've completed 4 classes, ALL 4 at that. I'm pretty proud of myself. I do feel like not working out today was a bad decision. However I k... Sat, 16 Jan 2010 03:53:06 EST Calories Has anyone else been reading the information on Calories that sparkpeople is sending out? I had no idea how it worked until last week. lol. I knew to eat healthier, eat correct portions and MOVE. That combination should help you lose weight. But I always assumed that burning more calories than you eat, meant that you'd have to burn off more calories than you put in your mouth. And that thought was frustrating because if you do a work out, you know you're only burning 200-500 calories in ... Thu, 14 Jan 2010 13:12:59 EST What does and doesn't Just some thoughts and a little homework. <BR> <BR> My Mom swore that my life of being overweight started when I was just a toddler. My pediatrician had prescribed me formula (at age 2!) that was richer because I needed more nutrients. I wasn't under weight, I wasn't sick, I was perfectly healthy. I became a chubby 3yr old and into a chubbier kindergardner, to a fat 3rd grader, to hip surgery at age 10 and my mother telling me that my limping was embarassing and the doctors would say I was... Sun, 10 Jan 2010 02:17:15 EST Walking <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Today I went to the gym and walked for an hour on the indoor track. The night before I put songs with a good beat to it on my play list. Mostly Britney Spears newer stuff. It's catchy and keeps me going. However, I lack the proper shoes. I was already in major pain from yesterday, but I figured the only cure to sore muscles are rest/compresses, deep tissue massage, or continuing to work the muscles. I didn't noti... Wed, 6 Jan 2010 23:26:03 EST What would I look like? <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I'm not a Mariah Carey fan really, I like some of her music. But that isn't why I am posting her pics on here. I like to think that if I were thin, I would have a body type similar to hers. Curvy. I have large hips and always have. Other than that, I don't know anything about my body or what it would look like thin. I have no clue. Honestly, I would be happy at 200lbs verse all 364 of me now. I've decided that... Wed, 6 Jan 2010 10:38:35 EST Just kind of thinking <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <BR> Today I turned around. I started going to the gym again yesterday and today I joined a new class. Something I never would have thought I was ready for. Honestly I probably am still not ready for it, but if I put it off I will always put it off. So I am making myself be ready. I have to do something, I can't just keep putting myself on hold. And I DO have time for it. I absolutely do. I have to stop letti... Tue, 5 Jan 2010 15:06:04 EST Buried Myself Alive <img src=""> <BR> This is a scan of a heavier woman verses a regular sized woman. All her organs are surrounded by fat deposits. It just scared the hell out of me and back into wanting to get this done and over with. To move on. Then of course, this song came on and the beginning of it got me bad. An inner struggle with myself. <BR> <BR> The Used - Buried Myself Alive (Intro) <BR> <BR> You almost always pick the best time to drop the ... Sun, 3 Jan 2010 20:59:55 EST Fitness Equipment for home <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I went out tonight and bought a 6lb medicine ball, a weighted jump rope, a padded fitness mat (pink!), a back up inspirational journal for when my crappy snoopy one runs out, 2 super small recycled paper note books for calorie tracking and a huge scrap booking box of gel pens. <BR> <BR> I need to try to break away from the computer because it is my ball and chain! TOO much reliability on this fancy keyboard! This ... Tue, 17 Nov 2009 23:56:13 EST Fat Sleeves <img src=""> <BR> This is me. These are my fat sleeves. Now it may seem like I'm putting myself down or pointing out something negative I'm not. It's actually another minor celebration. I'll tell you why. <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> A few months ago my fat sleeves weren't like this. I couldn't even see m... Thu, 29 Oct 2009 15:19:27 EST Losing more of me <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I weighed in today and I am down another 3lbs since I started. that's 7.9lbs so far! I am pretty heavy so it may seem like -a lot- to someone who isn't heavy. It's still a lot to me, but it's not a visible thing yet. It will be! But not just yet. <BR> <BR> I feel better about myself today than I did last week. I have more energy even though I am still tired (up late). <BR> <BR> I'm going to say that I am proud ... Wed, 28 Oct 2009 14:21:45 EST My dog <img src=""> <BR> <BR> This is Chip. He's 9 years old. My dog before him passed away when I was 14. My Mom missed her so much she took us to get another dog even though my Dad said no. He was at work when my Mom, myself and my little brother piled into the blazer to go pick out a puppy. My neighbors had gotten one of the puppies and my Mom didn't hesitate. So we got to the house and the mother and several of her puppies wandered aro... Mon, 26 Oct 2009 22:10:13 EST 10-25-09 <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Last night before bed I decided to do strength training with the spark workouts even though it wasn't scheduled for me. Then DH and I cuddled up in bed and watched Paranormal Activity. When I woke up though I was SO tired!! So I kind of thought to myself for a little bit that I needed to get my butt in gear. I grabbed my blackberry and loaded up some of Britney's newer songs and got myself going. I did some more st... Sun, 25 Oct 2009 22:24:04 EST 10-21-09 I completed my first spark strength training at home session and 14 minutes of cardio. It was fun because my little 2 were trying to do the strength training with me (3 and 4yr olds). Then my oldest (8yrs) did the cardio with me. I felt pretty good about that. I've resisted nibbling all day and haven't been mowing on junk. I'd say that's some progress. <BR> <BR> I'm not hungry, but I haven't eaten a lot of junk or other random foods I would normally munch on. So I feel that nagging -go ... Wed, 21 Oct 2009 21:20:51 EST