KARYL761's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=KARYL761 KARYL761's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ Having a really hard time the past couple of days... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5666922 I'm hitting that point where I normally quit and I'm trying to see my way through this. <BR> <BR> I had a KILLER salad a couple days ago, and you would think I'm feeling better.. I'm not. High on the fat intake, and HIGH on the fat cravings. Not so much sweet, and I bought a pizza tonight. I've been having taco bell every day. <BR> <BR> Perhaps that's why I'm feeling so shytty. <BR> <BR> To be fair, I went on a walk yesterday, and my knee hurt most of the night. OY <BR> <BR> BLEEEECH! I ... Mon, 7 Apr 2014 21:55:00 EST eggs eggs and more eggs http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5661256 I'm enjoying eating eggs.. I know they are nutritious. But I'm starting to get sick of them. I'm also not inspired enough to cook and plan ahead. I think my mood is crap because I haven't been eating many veggies, and of course I blame the lack of sunshine.... which I'm certain is an issue. I got the chance to see a lot of spring greenery on my drive today, and that was cool, and I also got the chance to teach the girls karma, because we gave an old man a ride to petaluma, and then immediate... Mon, 31 Mar 2014 22:32:34 EST scratch that... it's NOT getting easier. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5658984 This is the hard part. It's like 6pm, and I just want to go to sleep. So I have to do like 2 and a half or 3 hours more 'mommying' before bed. Shop, cook dinner, etc. I'm spent. I just want to collapse. G is being anything but helpful, and the girls are not being quiet. I JUST scooted in at under my caloric range, and know I could have done a lot better with my nutrition. I had a huge salad for dinner...and a kombucha for dessert. <BR> <BR> I really need to take better care of myself. My... Fri, 28 Mar 2014 23:29:32 EST Despite going over in calories... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5658892 My weight is staying the same, and I couldn't be HAPPIER!!! <BR> <BR> My stomach feels different when it doesn't have food in it now. It's not like I'm starving, it just knows that I will feed it when the time comes to eat. Marathoning, I used to eat before I was hungry, and same with pregnancy and breastfeeding. It was such an easy habit for me to acquire. Well, I'm trying not to worry so much about not having food around me at all times. <BR> <BR> Also, I feel like my gut is finally a... Fri, 28 Mar 2014 20:53:03 EST ::sigh:: Tonight was rough. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5657481 Had someone say that they wanted to off themselves tonight via text. Then they said 'goodbye' and didn't answer when I texted, called them. So for 45 minutes, after I was celebrating in the glory of my second child lose her second tooth, I'm calling, worried about my friend. I get so worried, in fact that i have the police knock on their door for a welfare check. This in turn pissed off my friend, which in turn pissed ME off. I feel manipulated. I'm almost ready to say goodbye to the friend... Thu, 27 Mar 2014 02:06:56 EST Bouncing back on the self-control... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5657403 Just when I think I have a handle on things, I get comfortable. <BR> <BR> I didn't eat a thing all day, and had the husband bring home a pizza. Let's just say I got my carb quota for the day. The problem? I went over about 500 calories. Just to keep it even, I counted the pizza pieces as today's breakfast. <BR> <BR> By afternoon I had only consumed 700 calories today and I was hungry. Cup o noodles, and a small *even though it wasn't light* dinner. <BR> <BR> I am 300 calories under. I t... Wed, 26 Mar 2014 22:54:44 EST This catharsis is changing me. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5655041 It's midnight, and I've been trying to get out all the feelings I've been feeling... and there's an odd feeling... the cessation of hunger. I'm no longer STARVING if I haven't eaten, and it's a very odd feeling. I won't question it: in fact, I welcome it. So, thank you, Sparkpeople, for your supportive website where I can purge emotions and process the physical feelings that go along with those emotions. <BR> <BR> I'm going to have some chamomile tea and hit the sack. I just had to post how ... Mon, 24 Mar 2014 03:24:02 EST bulletproof http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5654897 I have to make myself impervious to guilt and sighing that occurs from others when they get home. I am enough. I do enough. The pattern is old. All I have is within me now: I just have to access it. Sun, 23 Mar 2014 21:42:21 EST I feel like I'm being worked right now. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5654886 I think I want things so badly that I'm imagining them to be true. Someone sees that and is catering to it. OR they don't even notice it. ::sigh:: <BR> <BR> In terms of physical awareness, I'm going to try to purge the guilt I feel from sitting on my arse today. I feel a vacuum coming on. I need to work with myself a bit better and look at the heart of the problem. Today I'm going to rest, b/c I've been working and working. I'm going to feel good about the balance I've been having, and t... Sun, 23 Mar 2014 21:27:31 EST Finding myself moving a little backwards today... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5654840 I am eating okay. I've even gotten some exercise. (weight lifting, cleaning under the couch/carpets) But I'm letting my fixation on my heart get the best of me. Trying to get over this, but the other half of my heart is in port and with an internet connection today. I find myself going over to the page, hitting 'refresh'... and not wanting to be away from the computer. <BR> <BR> I know I have to break this pattern, so I'm here, touching the source of my obsession. I have SO MANY things t... Sun, 23 Mar 2014 20:24:23 EST I had a lot to eat today... but I walked! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5653606 Just found out (before I hit blog entry) that I'm supposed to be burning like 2400 cals a week in addition to keeping my portion sizes small. whoops. I've been watching my cals and hoping that THAT would suffice... Going to give it another week. and keep plugging away at it. It's hard to be mindful all the time, but It's starting to feel really good to hold this standard to myself. Things are getting done, and I'm finding a balance! Also, my mood was awesome today: spring has sprung and the ... Sat, 22 Mar 2014 00:03:11 EST anxious http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5651872 Starting to get a little desperate right now. It's 5:30 pm, and I'm just recording my feelings. I have about 200 calories left if i want to remain on the lower curve of my intake. <BR> <BR> It says I can go anywhere from 1800 to 2100 calories, and I just don't feel comfortable doing that... I want to keep it on the lower spectrum. But is this how it's going to feel? I can feel the cravings for sugar come, and the need to keep my stomach full. *not feeling good*. It's been so long since I'... Wed, 19 Mar 2014 20:34:14 EST I couldn't sleep at all last night... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5651796 because I was hungry. So I downed a bowl of just black beans, and the full belly helped. On the rag today so that doesn't help. But I do get a reprieve! A friend took my girls to co-op, and I am sitting here relaxing, thinking about cleaning the house. Anyway, so I counted the blackbeans on today's calorie county, and it's really messing with me right now. I only have 400 to 700 left. What am I going to eat? Pure zucchini? Lettuce? ::sigh:: <BR> <BR> I also had a rather large (albeit free) ... Wed, 19 Mar 2014 18:09:11 EST How Many fat/carb/proteins should I eat? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5651230 I had a good question tonight, after seeing my nutrition report... <BR> <BR> I ate 44% fat, 45 something carb, and 10ish% protein. <BR> <BR> For some reason, that didn't make me happy, and so I followed my intuition and asked Sparkpeople. Here is what I gleaned from this article. <BR> <BR> I am (at least 45% BMI, so this is truly 'you are what you eat'). Looks like for a while, I'll be keeping in the 20 to 25 percent range... at least until I hit a plateau. Then I will adjust my fat again.... Wed, 19 Mar 2014 01:28:46 EST Nightly Check-In http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5651219 After an especially hard day (lots of emotions of dealing with sleep deprived Littles and being sleep deprived myself!!), I'm ready to fall asleep. <BR> <BR> But I'm glad I stopped by here, and read a couple of articles... one in particular: <BR> <link>www.sparkpeople.com/resource/fitness<BR>_articles.asp?id=1808 </link> <BR> <BR> and I say this because I realize with just changing my diet alone, I'm just phoning it in, and let's get real: I LOVE TO EXERCISE. I've just been depressed... Wed, 19 Mar 2014 00:51:58 EST It Could Have Been Worse... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5650835 Yesterday was St Patrick's day, and while the rest of the world is nursing a hangover today, and I feel guilty for my indulgence, I have to get over it. and the reason? <BR> <BR> I didn't have one blessed Guinness, not one green beer. I didn't do the Walk of Shamus, and I didn't go FULL GLUTTON either. I simply went over my calories. And while that's a big deal, it's really NOT a big deal!! And I barely exercised too (parked further from the entrances to stores). <BR> <BR> What I DID exerc... Tue, 18 Mar 2014 14:15:11 EST Top o' Tha Mornin' To Ya! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5650029 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/1/7/l1719014803.jpg"> <BR> <BR> We ate green foods this morning, including green pancakes, green honeydew and limejuice made from scratch by my little one. I'm thinking we're going to go for a walk... (quick, while I'm in the mood to go!!) and of course I have a standing playdate that I'd rather skip and go play with the girls. Seems I have something planned for every day of the week these days, and it's wearing me out. I want and NEED time to... Mon, 17 Mar 2014 14:08:24 EST template http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5649143 Every day, as soon as I wake up, I will... <BR> Sunday, March 16, 2014 <BR> <BR> EVERY DAY, as soon as I wake up for the next month, I will: <BR> <BR> Read 2 success stories (at least) <BR> <BR> <BR> Look over my food list of the day <BR> <BR> Create an image that motivates me and post it here, in my journals. <BR> <BR> This will be to get my head in the game, and my dedication and goal achieving in PEAK condition. Sun, 16 Mar 2014 13:09:55 EST Every day, as soon as I wake up, I will... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5649115 EVERY DAY, as soon as I wake up for the next month, I will: <BR> <BR> Read 2 success stories (at least) <BR> <BR> <BR> Look over my food list of the day <BR> <BR> Create an image that motivates me and post it here, in my journals. <BR> <BR> Today's image: is it possible to do this? If so.. I. WANT. IN!!! <BR> <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/1/7/l1796957711.jpg"> <BR> <BR> This will be to get my head in the game, and my dedication and goal achieving in PEAK condition... Sun, 16 Mar 2014 12:29:07 EST I have fallen out of love with fitness, and yet... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5648845 I have fallen out of love with exercising. Yet... <BR> <BR> I want to cultivate my love for fitness. <BR> If you believe you can make love grow, <BR> you can make your love for yourself grow, <BR> and that involves nurturing your fitness. <BR> <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/1/0/l1011884340.jpg">Simple, right? <BR> <BR> I literally just started Mommies Who Love Fitness tonight, and would love ya'll to join up! <BR> <BR> <em>321</em> <link>teams.sparkpeople.com... Sun, 16 Mar 2014 02:13:11 EST So great at beginnings... let's see if I can finish! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5648825 <em>521</em> <BR> I am starting, yet again on Sparkpeople. It is 6 years later, and I'm starting again... this time a little heavier. So goddamned tired of letting myself down. Well, I'm quitting facebook, because I don't feel a sense of awareness when I'm scrolling, and sitting around looking at other people's posts has worn on me. (I've been on there since 2009) Thinking about deactivating my account and starting over. I fantasize about how connected to others I will still feel... <B... Sun, 16 Mar 2014 01:06:36 EST Sleep is so IMPORTANT!! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5338480 Went to sleep early after not sleeping that well the couple nights previous. If I can wake up well, it sets my day off well!!! Luckily the girls let me sleep a little longer. Yesterday was horrible, and I woke up horrible, and even after a nap, I was so low on myself. It didn't help that my calories were mostly fat, and it didn't help that my fluids were down. I felt overwhelmed, like I was playing catch up. I REALLY HATE those days. <BR> <BR> Today, my hubby said he needed help from one of... Sun, 28 Apr 2013 17:45:52 EST Irritable day today. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5337714 I went somewhere and caught sight of myself in the mirror. The self loathing is at an all time high today. I am all hunched over and ICK, I just don't have that YAHOO!!!ness I'm used to. I'm getting really PISSED OFF that I am so big. Part of me wants to starve myself, but I know that's not what to do. I feel like crying. <em>46</em> and throwing a massive fit. <BR> <BR> What's worse is that someone gave me some really nice, thoughtful gifts today, and I should have been all YAYYY!!!! b... Sat, 27 Apr 2013 21:44:25 EST Keeping Promises http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5336830 Noticing I've become more reclusive, and really feel like it's not 'me'. I remember when I was happy. It's time for me to start keeping promises to *myself*. I'm so used to making promises to others, and lately I haven't been keeping promises to others, and it hurts to be that way. I want to trust myself, rely on myself, and keep a commitment. I'm ready!! <BR> <BR> I'm eating healthy and getting my calories in before 5, and after 5, hydrating with lemon water to keep the PH level more alkali... Fri, 26 Apr 2013 22:11:24 EST My first day http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=1528988 My first day on October 21, 2008. I gave birth to my second daughter a little over 6 months ago. <BR> <BR> I weigh what I did when I was 9 months with my first one, and I weigh 10 lbs more than I did when I got pregnant with my second. <BR> <BR> 100 lbs. to go! Thu, 23 Oct 2008 19:47:00 EST